tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 19, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST
captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: oh, hi! i didn't see you there. i was just about to catch the "late show" and watch their live coverage of the republican national convention. wait a mut i host "the late show"-- and live means now. oh, my gosh! i've got to think of something fast! got it! hit it, jon! ? ? ? ? this week you and me ? we will witness history as the r.n.c. crowns
crazy ties worn by thousands of white guys ? an entire airplane hangar filled with donald trump's ex-wives ? ? we'll see newt, ron and rand, maybe members of the klan ? ? but no muslims or latinos because i think they've all been banned ? ? it will be crazy you can't deny ? it's like christmas in july ? in cleveland! it's the finest place you've seen-a ? it can nearly fit each person fired by carly fiorina ? it's the q, but let's be clear q doesn't stand for queer ? though it really doesn't matter ? there aren't many of them here it will be crazy ? you can't deny it's like christmas in july ? ( cheers and applause )
? ? ? ? ? ? >> stephen: and there's so much more in store, because it's not one night, it's four! ? so... reince priebus will campaign huffing paint to ease the pain ? and paul ryan will be crying while ben carson juggles brains ted cruz is drinking whiskey ? no one's sitting with chris christie ? and mitt romney bungies in to say "does anybody miss me?" ? jeb is in the bathroom yelling "why?" ? it's like christmas in july ? ? the party of lincoln ?
? it's like christmas in july ? ( cheers and applause ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes zoe saldana! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! new york city, it's time for the 2016 trumpublican donational conventrump starring donald trump as the republican party! may contain traces of republican.
>> stephen: here we go! ( cheers and applause ) nicely done! right on time! ( audience chanting stephen ) well, i'll take it. thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you so much! ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody! please, have a seat! oh, whig you can feel it in the air. it's absolutely electric out here. welcome to "the late show," live from the ed sullivan theater right here in new york city! ( cheers and applause ) i'm stephen colbert. we're live all week during trump's convention, because i want to be the very first one to announce the moment america becomes great again. ( laughter ) it's that feeling, you will feel
have already happened, folks, because on night one, tonight, donald trump entered like this-- ? we are the champions my friend ? ? and we'll keep on fighting till the end ? ? we are the champions ? we are the champions ? ? no time for losers because we are the champions ? of the world ? ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter )
>> stephen: yes, we are the champions of the world, and we are going to restore conservative american values, by entering to the music of a bisexual englishman! ( cheers and applause ) this is crazy. this is crazy. you may not know this but you're not supposed to see the candidate before the nomination, let alone on the first night. that's like the br being seen on her wedding day, but jumping out of the cake at the bachelor party. ( laughter ) ta-da! hellooo! and that wasn't the only drama today. there was drama this afternoon as the stop-trump movement tried to change the rules so they wouldn't be forced to vote for trump on the first ballot and when that was unsuccessful, the delegates from colorado just walked out. and look at what time the
4:20, my friends! ( cheers and applause ) oh, yeah. oh, yeah. yeah, oh, yeah. yeah. 4:20. yeah. oh, this is the perfect time to walk out. they might not have been mad. they might have been a little, say, snacky? ( laughter ) and there was also another disturbance about an hour and 45 minutes ago, when a protester from "code pink" was escorted supporters, and-- see that guy? i don't know who the guy is covering her face but not touching her face? he's a biker for trump, and i think he's also clearly someone's little brother. ( laughter ) i'm not touching you! i'm not touching you! you can't tell mom! i'm not actually touching you! ( cheers and applause ) this is my side! this is my side of the convention!
that's your side. i'm not touching you. ( laughter ) for the record, i was someone's little brother. now, tonight the official theme of the convention was "make america safe again." it's a major concern. safety, a major concern for the g.o.p. right now. because just a few months back, some guy broke in and stole their entire party. they're a little shaky-- they're feeling a little shaky right now. ( cheers and applause ) like this, like that. all right. and keeping with the theme of keeping america safe, i know what you're thinking-- i hope chachi from "happy days" weighed in. well, fear not! >> hillary clinton wants to be president for hillary clinton. donald trump wants to be president for all of us. >> stephen: and scott baio wants someone from tvland to put "happy days" back on!
now, former new york mayor and school bully sidekick rudy giuliani tonight, about an hour ago, gave a spirited speech with a strong endorsement of donald trump. >> what i did for new york, donald trump will do for america! >> stephen: yes, donald trump will send all of america's homeless to new jersey to make room for expensive candy stores! yes! ( cheers and applause ) oh! donald trump will get rid of all the porn and replace it with bubba gump shrimp! ( laughter ) and, headlining make america safe again, tonight, was noted security expert melania trump who, i just watched it, she gave a very impressive speech. just goes to show, behind every great man is-- well, in this case, actually, chris christie
( applause ) "if i stand here long enough, he will definitely make me vice president. definitely. he's got to-- i got to get something for this. i got to get-- what's happening to me?" ( laughter ) of course, instead of chris christie, trump ended up picking indiana governor mike pence as ( audience booing ) --let's all be friends. and, together they released the new trump-pence logo, which, i don't know if you guys have seen this, it looks like this, right there. ( applause ) now, a lot of people have made fun of it.
or perhaps the "p" was doing something special for the "t" because it was the "t's" birthday, let's say. i don't know really know. ( applause ) but what i say is-- but who am i to judge what's going on between two consenting consonants? ( laughter ) now, the logo was immediately taken down and replaced with this one. no hardcore letter on letter action right there. ( laughter ) but fo other logo they considered. it touted their strong business experience, and it's the two of them in front of a desk and it's very professional, i think. ( cheers and applause ) right now, cbs is trying to figure out what part of this they legally have to blur. ( laughter ) now, say hi to our jazz delegation, everybody! jon batiste and "stay human"!
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i like it. there you go. and, last night, trump and pence gave their first joint interview on "60 minutes." 60 minutes, of course, apparently the amount of time trump spent learning about mike pence before choosing him. though, it is clear these two already have great chemistry. >> talking with him in private settings, i love the words you used, because this man is awed with the american people and he is not intimidated by the world. and donald trump, this good man, i believe, will be a great president of the united states. >> i love what he just said. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: hey!
hey! hey, get a room, you two! just, not the oval office, okay? and check it out, they gave the interview in trump's penthouse apartment while sitting on these giant golden chairs. i'm beginning to believe trump's plan to fix the economy involves melting down his dinette set. ( laughter ) now, throughout this interview last night, the two kept finding things that they have in common. >> at least, i've read, a very loy, you're a brash new yorker. >> religious. >> religious? >> religious, yeah. >> you? >> yeah, religious. hey, i won the evangelicals. >> that doesn't mean-- >> well, i think it means a lot. >> stephen: to quote our lord and savior jesus christ... wow. ( cheers and applause )
yes, that guy's got some loaves and fishes, if you know what i mean. yes, trump won the evangelicals, which proves he's religious. the same way you prove you're a family man if you eat a family- sized tub of cheese balls. but leslie stahl did find some things the two disagreed on. >> do you think john mccain was not a hero, because he was captured? >> i have a great deal of respect for john mccain. >> do you think he went too far? >> you can say yes. th on that one you can say yes. that's fine. >> stephen: you can say yes. you can say yes. say whatever you want. tell her what you really think. i mean, it's fine, my man. you can answer. i'm not going to get in the way. next question. next question. ( laughter ) now, you would think, personally, i think pence would have more empathy for mccain because after this interview, he clearly knows what it's like to be held prisoner. but i think-- ( applause )
you can talk, you can talk. go ahead and talk, make the sounds with your mouth and the lippy flap. ( laughter ) but i think trump's finest moment is when he finally stood up to leslie stahl's bullying. >> you're not known to be a humble man. but i wonder-- >> i think i am actually humble. i think i'm much more humble than you would understand. ( laughter ) >> stephen: "yeah, yeah, i'm humble. how many more buildings do i have to put my name on before you understand how humble i am? all right? i'm the humblest, mo big league modest man, believe me, i belong to the admiral class four-stare diamond humble club which, by the way leslie, you would never get in, you're a six at best." ( laughter ) we'll be right back hopefully with an old friend. i feel my basic cable senses tingling. stick around! ( cheers and applause )
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( cheers and applause ) (band playing) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! i hope you can tell, i am sure you are too, i am very excited about what happened this week. i'm really excited about what's going to happen this week becauson how can we guess what will happen when we can't begin to explain how we got here? ( laughter ) how did donald trump get the nomination? i know i can't explain it. but i think i know somebody who might be able to. excuse me. i'll be right back. hold on. i'll be right back. don't go anywhere. i'll be right back.
( knocking ) ( yawn ) >> this is not a pokemon gymnasium anymore. go catch with your friends somewhere else. >> stephen: jon, jon it's me! it's stephen. >> bubbe. >> stephen: how are you? >> i was just having a little chai kambucha come on in! making it myself! >> stephen: no, jon, jon listen. i know that you and your beard are very busy these days. but i'm here to tell you that it's the republican national convention this week. >> oh, well, i think they had one of those four years ago! >> stephen: no, they're doing another one jon. listen, you will not believe who the nominee is. >> the old jon stewart talked about politics and things like that. me, i'm not, i don't-- jeb bush will be a great nominee. everything will be fine. >> stephen: jon, it's not jeb. jon, it's not jeb. i'm going to tell you who the candidate is.
little parched, if i may please. >> stephen: oh, you want to take a little-- >> just enough to wet the whistle before you tell me nominee. so before you say the name, if you don't mind, i wouldn't mind bringing liquid-- >> stephen: because you presently don't know who it is. are you ready? >> yeah. if i may. >> stephen: it's donald trump. ( laughter ) >> what?! >> stephen: yep! >> the guy from "the apprentice?" >> stephen: yep. the guy who did the mcdonald's commercial with grimace? >> stephen: same guy. >> the guy who filed for bankruptcy in 1991. >> stephen: and '92. >> and 2004. >> stephen: and 2009. >>that guy >> stephen: yes >>mike tyson's business advisor, that guy? >> stephen: indeed, the same guy. >> the guy whose eyes look like tiny versions of his mouth. >> stephen: yes, the guy who looks like an angry creamsicle. >> decomposing jack-o'-lantern. >> stephen: human toupee hybrid >> that guy >> stephen: yes >> a guy who looks like here's actually wearing a donald trump costume. that guy. >> stephen: yes, a loose fitting one at that. >> yes. >> stephen: same guy.
when i was sleeping with one of the top women in the world, i would say to myself, can you believe what i am getting?" that guy. >> stephen: yes, the same guy who said "i have black guys counting my money, i hate it. the only guys i want counting my money are short guys that wear yarmulkes all day ." >> that guy. >> stephen: yes. that guy. >> by the way, we wear them all night, too. >> stephen: so you can see why i'm here. you understand what i'm asking for. ( frantic muttering and screaming ) >> the guy from the republican convention. that guy. >> stephen: hello, friend. i'm sorry i can't help you, you see, jon and i are very happy living off the grid, making jerky and canning our own urine for the end times. >> you said it was gatorade. >> stephen: you see, i'm sure
>> it's not jeb, actually. >> stephen: it's not jeb? >> i thought it was going to be jeb too a few years ago. but it's not, its a different guy. >> stephen: who is it? >> wet your whistle before you do. >> stephen: really? >> yes. >> stephen: let me get a mouthful. >> it's donald trump! >> stephen: what! yes! >> stephen: hold this! get out of my way! >> call me if you're going to be late! oh, that's good urine. ( yankee doodle dandy playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: woo! ( audience chanting stephen )
>> stephen: yes! hello, nation! ( cheers and applause ) did you miss me? i know i did. well, it's time to say aloha to stephen colbert, and aloha to ( cheers and applause ) wow, look at this place, the host must have quite an ego. let's fix it up, jimmy! ? ( cheers and applause ) that's better. ready to do this thing? ready to do this thing? is that the truth hole? is this where it's going? all right. nation, right now, americans are angry, confused and lashing out
a lot of folks are wondering how america, god's girlfriend, ended up in a relationship with this guy. well, shhhhh! daddy's here. i know a lot of you are out on the ledge right now. when i'm done, i promise, you will be jumping for joy. because this is just the brave new world of american democracy, and it brings me to "tonight's word." ( cheers and applause ) trumpiness! ( cheers and applause ) folks, let me tell you, people who don't support trump feel like the world has gone crazy. well, get in line. ( laughter ) because the people who do support trump have felt that way ever since the manufacturing jobs started going to china.
it's about what voters feel. and right now at least half of americans feel their voices aren't being heard! ( laughter ) and let me tell you, folks, that goes for both sides, whether they be strong conservatives or morally bankrupt liberals! ( laughter ) think about this-- just consider why people stood behind bernie sanders. you see, bernie, he understood their emotions. ne they said, "i feel the bern!" ( laughter ) now, just to remind you, 11 years ago, i invented a word: truthiness. you see, truthiness is believing something that feels true even if it isn't supported by fact. truthiness truthiness. right? ( cheers and applause )
you know who had a brain? ( laughter ) i'll tell you. adolph hitler. so, naturally, brains aren't good. naturally, i admire this man. in fact, i see myself in him. we're both over-the-top tv personalities who decided to run for president. but i admit, ladies and gentlemen-- but i admit, ladies and enough-- ( cheers and applause ) -- i'm humble enough to admit he has surpassed me now. truthiness has to feel true, but trumpiness doesn't even have to do that. in fact, many trump supporters don't believe his wildest promises and they don't care. ( laughter ) yes! they don't care keep if he won't keep his wildest promises! and if he doesn't ever have to
( laughter ) and here's the deal-- truthiness was from the gut but trumpiness clearly comes from much further down the gastrointestinal tract. ( cheers and applause ) keep in mind, and i want to be clear about something-- his supporters know this. his supporters aren't dumb. take the border wall. just last month at a rally, trump said we're going to build a wall and it's going to be aal one of his supporters at that same rally pointed out, "i think if he strengthens the borders, it will be the same as building the wall. the wall can be built even without having to be built." yes, if you can feel the wall, you don't have to see the wall. ( laughter ) these, i want to be clear about this. these legitimately angry voters don't need a leader to say things that are true or feel
they need a leader to feel things that feel feels! ( laughter ) and that is why i believe donald trump is a leader for our times. an emotional megaphone for voters full of rage at a government that achieves nothing, an economic system that leaves them behind, and politics that elects people unfit for the job. and if you don't share their feeling that you don't recognize your country anymore, trust me, if trump wins, you will. and that's the wor that other guy will be right back after these commercials. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) and here we have 1893, from the makers of pepsi cola. i'm gonna swirl it. i'm gonna smell it. i'm just gonna take one small sip... kinda seemed like more than a sip.
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>> stephen: you like the place? >> these are all your friends? >> stephen: these are all our friends. they're your friends, too. aren't you her friends, also?( very nice people. we only let the nicest people in here. >> i can tell. thank you! >> stephen: now listen, i'm going to go fan boy on you in just a minute because i'm an enormous fan of your movies and your performances. but since this is a convention night and that is the theme of our week, i just want to quickly ask you, do you follow politics at all? >> i am. i do have 20-month-old twins. >> stephen: you seem concerned. >> i'm worried. i don't know. this is the first time as an
you know, and i'm sort of thinking, i'm a little worried. >> stephen: it's going to be okay. >> okay. >> stephen: i promise you. whoever wins, there is a good chance that this time next year there still will be a united states of america. >> okay. >> stephen: that's fairly certain. >> okay, good. because i'm a little bit of an extremist. i tend to, i'm an actress, right, i'm dramatic by nature. >> stephen: drama queen! >> uh, yeah. >> stephen: so you have 20- month-old twins? >> yes, i do. >>en >> i don't know. i don't know. caffeine. >> stephen: oh, i'm all for it. >> a husband that i just boss around, "michael, do this and michael do that!" and like a lot of people that just, i mean, i'm the best at going, "oh, hi, hey! "can you hold here?" i'm really good at that. and i love the kindness of strangers. it's amazing. >> stephen: so you hand your baby to strangers sometimes, is what you're saying.
occasionally. >> did i mention i have 20- month-old twin identical boys? >> stephen: yes, i can understand why you're worried. well, lets talk about "star trek beyond" for a second. i'm so looking forward to this movie. i'm a huge fan of both the series and the two movies you've done already and your performances overall. >> thank you. >> stephen: before we get started, i just wanted to say i'm so sorry to hear of the passing of anton yelchin. he seemed like such a wonderful actor. and you guys were together for so long. nine years working on these films together. >> yes, he had just turned 18 en youngest one of the crew and i almost feel like he was the wisest one. it's a terrible loss. we're mourning. he's an irreplaceable person and the kindest person, and he loved what he did. so, i'm here today and the rest of the cast and j.j. and justin, we're here promoting the movie mainly for him because he would have wanted that. >> stephen: well, i loved his performances.
>> stephen: i think all of these movies have such a hopeful, forward-looking quality to them. it's not just science fiction. it's not like a dystopian science fiction. it's the science fiction of my youth, where the future is so bright you've got to wear shades! did you-- >> well, i mean, it always sparks these amazing conversations at my house. like whenever we talk about like you know, shows like "star trek," can you imagine-- because, like, barack obama mentioned being a fan of the show, that maybe this was one of the shows that really inspired him to believe that he could actually be president of the united states of america. >> stephen: which, i'm not the first person to say that he is part vulcan. because-- >> he is part vulcan. >> stephen: he's got a very logical, very cool demeanor. >> it makes perfect sense. >> stephen: exactly. >> like take gene roddenberry for example, >> stephen: the creator of "star trek." >> he was a cop and he was very disappointed and just moved by what he was seeing in the world
something of what he would have liked to have seen life to be. and here we are 50 years later, and it continuously inspires people. so i do believe that art has the ability to inspire and inflict hope on people. and i, i like taking on that responsibility of being a part of good work. >> stephen: were you a science fiction fan when you were younger? >> yes, but not of "star trek." >> stephen: okay. jimmy, let's edit that part out of the inter, >> it's fine, it's fine. >> stephen: what did you like? >> my mother watched it, so i always liked, i would like when she would share those special anecdotes of why "star trek" was so special to her. i was of a different generation but i always knew it was something big, you know? because it meant something to all people. >> stephen: that's a very polite way of saying you're much younger than i am. you said a very different generation. >> i had no idea. we look like we're of the same time? >> stephen: the same time period. ( laughter ) "you could be from the same
>> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: "what was eisenhower like?" >> different sides of the spectrum, but we're good. we're doing good. >> stephen: well, you have been in some of the greatest science fiction projects of all time. obviously, "star trek," but "guardians of the galaxy," which i think is the best sort of translation. >> thank you! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i love it. and gamora is an incredible character, and also avatar, which i understand you guys are making more of them. >> yes, we're making four more. >> stephen: wait, you're making four more? >> yes. yes. so, i'm 38 now. it's okay. >> stephen: yeah, we're the same age. yeah, yeah. >> but, i think i'm going to be shooting my space movies until i'm, like, 45. >> stephen: oh, wow-- that old. ( laughter ) thank you so much for being here. it was lovely to meet you. ( cheers and applause ) "star trek beyond" will be in theaters july 22. zoe saldana, everybody! we'll be right back!
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( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thank you so much! you know folks, these conventions can be fun to watch, but for the people involved it is a blood sport that we just watch. it is bare-knuckle brawling. it's, it's like "the hunger games." no, it's worse than that. it's-- "the hungry for power games!" ? ha ha! i have arrived at the 2016 republican national hungry for power games! quicken loans arena, named for a money lender so you know it's ruthless! caligula, let's go! this year's power games are a big tent. of course, all races and creeds are welcome this year, unless
executive suites, in which case you will want to use the white elevators. ( laughter ) ha ha! welcome to the arena, citizens! so grand, it can almost hold donald trump's entire head. ( laughter ) what's that? yes! oh, oh! let's go! the red carpet, of course, is here to hide the rivers of blood that will eventually pour down fromor trump, flanked by his two eunuchs takes the stage. by two eunuchs i of course mean paul ryan and reince preibus who clearly checked their balls at the door this election. ( cheers and applause ) the new jersey delegation has saved one front row seat for chris christie to have the best possible view of the end of his career. you wouldn't mind. there you go.
this continent"-- oh that's good, who wrote that? that's fresh! hello, excuse me. >> i'm about to go live. >> stephen: you're about to go live? oh, right. i apologize. >> but do you want to-- >> stephen: you're on telemundo? do they let telemundo in here? >> yes of course. >> stephen: you didn't have to burrow in around donald trump's wall? >> no. >> stephen: there's no wall outside keeping telemundo out? >> stephen: answer a question for me por favor. quies mas macho? donald trump or hillary clinton? >> no comment. >> stephen: is that spanish? because i don't understand. >> ( speaking spanish ) >> stephen: that sounds delicious but i'm all full. north carolina has staged themselves strategically next to the bathrooms so they can check everyone's genitalia before they, you know, cast their ballots, as you say. i have a weasel in my pants. chuck todd! have matt lauer washed and brought to my tent! my weasel wants to make love to
meanwhile, liberal washington state has positioned itself near to the bathrooms male, female, and i'm gonna say mystery date. anything goes! there was only one thing left to do and only one place i was not supposed to do it. ( cheers and applause ) welcome, citizens, to the 2016 hungry for power games! ha ha! beautiful! thk republicans have proved they are truly passionate about one candidate: hillary clinton! they would do anything to stop her up to and including nominating donald j. jonah jameson trump! but tribute trump will not enter the arena alone, no! he has formed an alliance with indiana governor mike pence! ( laughter ) sorry, i blacked out there for a
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>> stephen: and now an important moment about our political conventions. ? >>
good evening. i'm sam waterson. this is a monumentally important time in american history, which is why tonight we are here at the national hall of importance where we enshrine the most important events in our nation's history, the signing of the declaration of independence, the moon landing, the first planking. thank you for your service. tonight we take an important look at the democratic and republican national convention, a time for people to come
but many forget their shocking dark side. the 2000 democratic national convention in los angeles began as a peaceful affair but ended in tragedy when al gore, starving and delirious from non- stop campaigning, took the stage and attempted to eat his wife's face. ( laughter ) truly, an inconvenient smooch. and who can forget the chicago 1968 democratic convention when mass panic erupted after a kentucky delegate knocked over a beehive, swarming the streets with enraged bees. no matter how hard the police tried to knock the bees off the citizens, it didn't seem to help. of course, the 1924 republican convention was the first to be broadcast on radio, and the new
coolidge's voice and assumed he was a ghost trapped in their walls. it is inescapable chaos and uncertainty such as this that once made benjamin franklin remark, "if being president means going to a convention, i'd rather be struck by lightning. hang on-- that gives me an idea" ( thunder ) from the national hall of importance, i remain sam waterson. stephen? >> stephen: thank you, sam.