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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 7, 2016 10:35pm-11:37pm MST

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>> yesterday "the new york times" reported that donald trump's staff took away his twitter account. the following is a cartoon reenactment of his reaction. >> all right. here we go. all right. all right. 3:00 a let's see what i can pinch out. "crooked hillary along with jay-z and beyonce-z totally incited violence at my rallies. sad. hashtag "99 problems and hillary is all of them." end tweet. kellyanne, i can't tweety tweet. >> donald, i told you. your twitter has been disabled. >> unacceptable. i'll tweet about it.
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tweedia." oh, that's good. and tweet! kellyanne, why won't my phone tweet? >> that's not a phone, donald. it's a bar of soap. >> of course it's a phone. it says dial right on it. >> announcer: tits "late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes don cheadle! stevie wonder! and katherine featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ? captioning sponsored by cbs
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thank you very much. ( audience chanting stephen ) thank you, chris, thank you, paul, thank you, matt! thank you, gentlemen. good to see you! wow! not too bad! you can feel it! you can feel it! ( cheers and applause ) you got the jumper welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. and we are live tonight from new york. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: that's not too shall by. meanwhile, in philadelphia, hillary clinton held a huge rally in front of independence
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warming and trade policy. hillary, as always, closed with thunder road. trump, on the other tiny hand spoke in new hampshire and had a big announcement. >> tom brady, he called today, and he said, donald, i support you, you're my friend and i voted for you. >> stephen: no surprise brady is a trump fan, because donald appears to be under-inflated. ( cheering ) to get a good grip. ( laughter ) and last night trump had "the bruce springsteen of insane bowhunters," ted nugent, and the nuge did not disappoint. >> i got your blue state right here baby!
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>> stephen: what is he even saying? ( laughter ) i don't -- i don't understand. is his crotch actually blue? you guys, i've said it before, if your genitals resemble the electoral map at all, consult a doctor immediately. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and the craze is we learned all this about trump from the news, unfortunately, not from the man himself because, this weekend, aides to donald trump have finally wrested away his twitter account. what?! you can't take away trump's twitter account! that's like taking away batman's utility belt! ( laughter ) all you've got left is a billionaire with anger issues. ( laughter ) ( applause ) he's got none of his tools! ( cheering ) makes no sense.
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trump based his whole campaign on that twitter account. what's he going to do now? write messages in bronzer on bedsheets and hang them out the window of trump tower? ( laughter ) ( applause ) twitter is trump's lifeline to the world, especially since it turns out that donald trump does not use a computer. no computer at all. he even files his taxes the old fashioned wat. ( laughter ) ( applause ) as far as we know. we don't know. we don't know! we have no idea! ( piano riff ) ( applause ) now, if trump doesn't have a computer, and they're taking away his twitter, i think i know what's happening -- if he loses tomorrow, his staff isn't going to tell him. ( laughter ) ( applause ) wake up, mr. trump!
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don't turn on the tv! hey, we're also going to need to take away your belt and shoelaces. no reason, mr. president. of course, the major story this weekend was f.b.i. director and soon to be former f.b.i. director james comey delivering what may be the most infuriating "takie-backsie" in american history. ten days ago comey upended the campaign with a vague letter to congress saying he'd found new clinton emails to investigate. yesterday, he told congress that "these emails warrant no new action against hillary clinton." this is the psyche-out since god told abraham, "slit your son's throat. just kidding! but seriously, take a chunk off of his penis." ( laughter ) psych!
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for nine straight days the trump campaign has been hammering hillary with this story. >> this is the biggest political scandal since watergate! >> stephen: sorry, donald. turns out it's not even the biggest scandal since "waterworld." but if you're waiting on a correction from trump's camp, get comfortable. because even though comey says there was nothing in the emails, they've got a new line of attack. >> no one believes that the federal government is capable of taking 650,000 e-mails and reviewing them in eight days. >> stephen: yes. how could you possibly review 650,000 emails in eight days? you need a computer that can do that. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but how are you going to get emails onto a computer? i mean, i don't understand!
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( laughter ) as i said, when he first talked about these emails, i have a message for james comey, and it's right here -- ( cheering ) ( applause ) we're not releasing this message tonight. ( laughter ) we've got a team comparing it to the contents of this hand to see if they match. ( applause ) to find out what's behind here, you'll have to watch tomorrow night on showtime. ( applause ) yeah, i'm taking a look back here, and some of the results are coming in, already. ( laughter ) but this is it. the campaign is coming to an end. so tomorrow's the big day ( cheering ) ( applause )
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crying) >> stephen: why, it's an adorable little street urchin! but why are you crying, little girl? i ask out of genuine concern and not because it's a live show and i'm furious. ( child singing ) ? i am just an orphan ragamuffin ? ? i'm cold and have no coat ? ? and when it comes to ballot stuffin' ? ? i'm too scared to vote ? >> stephen: aw, get on up here, you little scamp! come on, everybody! let's give her a welcome! ( applause ) listen, little girl -- you don't need to be afraid to vote! >> i don't? >> stephen: no! in fact -- ( band plays upbeat music-man style music) ( stephen singing ) ? voting gives a voice to people one and all ? ? from the richest robber barons
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? voting's done in a half a flash ? ? it only takes one's wrist-flick ? ? they make the process speedy >> jon: except for in black districts. >> stephen: that's true! yeah, a little weird the way that happens. it's a grade-a, crackerjack super duper, fun-packed peachy keen, grand slam whizbang, bread-and-jam way to keep america afloat. it's democracy in action, so get out there and vote! yeah! ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show tonight! don cheadle is here! stevie wonder is here! >> now, now, hold on, now, mr. stephen colbert!
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toltold on, now! hold on! hold on! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you had something to say? >> i did indeed! i have something to say! i say this to all of you -- let the child do as she pleases! >> stephen: oh, my stars! it's friend to children everywhere, the mayor of candy town, jon stewart! >> if the girl doesn't want to vote, she doesn't have to! here, have a toffee.
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have a toffee from an old man's pants! ( applause ) i have been heating those up all day. there you go. there you go. toffee from an old man's pants. >> so... i don't have to vote? >> heck, no! ( singing ) ? there's nothing in the law that says the people have to vote ? >> stephen: wait a s ? let the child do what she wants ? ? don't stuff voting down her throat! ? ? democracy is optional ? ? it's not a big old croat ? >> stephen: "croat?" it's an anatomical term. >> stephen: what is croat? the sack on a sea bird. ( laughter ) it's a croat.
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( laughter ) you have been to the croat fest! >> stephen: listen, john, this child has got to vote! >> come on, it's not a big deal. >> stephen: do you remember who's running this year? >> well, i haven't paid much attention. walter mon bastille daydale, that nice mormon fow >> stephen: no, that's a while ago. do you want me to tell you? >> well, let me give it a try. let me just get a little water. >> stephen: it's donald trump. ( laughter ) >> what! are you kidding me!
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serious? thattage ritax and draft dodging little orange groundhog is running for president? >> stephen: yeah. who's running again? >> stephen: i just told you. i think i just forgot. >> stephen: you forgot that fast? >> yeah. >> stephen: really? but i'm still a bit parched. >> stephen: you want me to tell you again? i think i might keep my glasses it's, uh -- ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) it's, uh -- it's donald trump! ( laughter ) ( applause )
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( laughter ) >> and this ragamuffin isn't going to vote? you're voting, buddy. you're voting! >> yeah, he's running against hillary clinton. ugh, i can't tell which one's worse! >> stephen: he's worse! he's worse! >> stephen: much worse! much worse! ( cheering ) >> stephen: vote! and you're voting, young lady! >> but listen... ? it's not my fault the system ga ? if either shared my values, i'd be the first in line to vote ? ? but in this civil oligarchy, we don't have a real choice ? ? how can i change a system that won't listen to my voice? ? ? to add my vote to either side would be an awful lie ? ? but there's power in abstaining, sitting out feels justified ? ? to cave to pressure from the
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? to vote just 'cause they say ? ? to fall in line and just be cowed ? ? isn't that the coward's way? >> stephen: oh, my god. ( cheers and applause ) i don't know what to say. i kinda see where she's coming from. >> that is an unbelievabl contrarian think piece. it blew my mind. i want you to write for slate because i think you're amazing. >> stephen: amazing. i don't know what to say. >> yeah, i feel lost... ? papa? ? ? papa, can you hear me? ? >> stephen: john, we don't have time for yentl! >> there's always time for yentl! ( applause ) >> so we're all agreed -- we need to make a statement and sit
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( beat drops ) >> stephen: it' it's hamilton's javier mu?oz! >> we've gotten through a lot and your temp's hot so please tell me you're not throwin' away your shot it's a slap in the face when you erase your voice people bled for the right for you to write your choice they faced fire hoses, riots and dogs bitein' so i'm sorry not sorry if this isn't exciting but stayin' home isn't a statement say in the way that your state went? great, then years from now what you will say fifty years away from this election day did you fight and use your rights did you decide, or refuse to use this power people died for? so now it's time, whatcha gonna do? ( beat drops out, singing ) ? 'cause history has its eyes on you ?
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>> oh, shhhh... ( bleep for several seconds ) >> yeah. javier out. i got a matinee tomorrow! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: okay. okay. it's all agreed. we're all voting tomorrow, right? >> we're all voting tomorrow! >> stephen: good, because -- ( drum beat, anthemmic march starts ) ? now is the time ? >> he's endorsed by david duke. >> stephen:. ? to grow a spine ? >> his tiny hands might get the music. ? the stakes are high, it's do or die, we can't rewind
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the planet's only getting hotter. >> all: for human kind. he said he wants to date his daughter. >> all: the time is now. he acts real tough, but he's a wussy. he'll fill the court with gary busey. he'll grab your mothers... >> stephen: jon, there's a child present! it ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> all: now is the time! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: stick around! stevie wonder is here! don cheadle is here! we'll be right back!
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all: ? now is the time ? ? to grow a spine ? ? the stakes are high ? ? it's do or die ? ? we can't rewind ? yea, it's nespresso. ? ? ? ? you're ready. ?
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( cheers and applause ) ? >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! welcome back to our continuing sullivan theater. my first guest is a passionate activist and oscar-nominated actor, please welcome don cheadle! ( cheers and applause ) ? welcome! good to see you again. how you doing? >> you drive very nicely.
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drier pretty fast. >> no doubt. >> stephen: i know you're politically aware and active. how are you feeling about the election? how are the nerves doing? >> very nauseous. >> stephen: i have a lit ail ail -- i have a little aroma therapy, a little soothing lavender, and a stress ball. >> i saw ted nugent earlier, i'm just going to grab this ball. color, i think it may be ted nugent's ball. >> it's very fragrant. >> stephen: have you voted? i'm going to get home, vote, stand in line, do whatever. absolutely. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, it's a secret ballot, obviously. >> yeah. >> stephen: i really shouldn't ask you who you're voting for but i've got a hint because on your twitter feed you called donald trump you are truly a piece of -- something -- ( laughter )
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something good? >> i thought it was a person of special interest. >> stephen: exactly, it's a person of special interest. hmm, it doesn't smell like this. >> or ted nugent's ball. >> stephen: you're don, he's donald. does it upset you that you have the same name? >> we'll see wedneay i may have to put don in a dumpster fire. >> stephen: what's your middle name? >> frank cheadle. >> stephen: that's a great name. frank, let me ask you another question here. >> thank you. >> stephen: passionate issue for you, one donald trump says is a myth created by the chinese, is global warming and climate change. yes.
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ambassador for environmental programs. do you have diplomatic immunity? can you park anywhere you want? >> i can park anywhere that's green. >> stephen: you're hosting national geographic's "years of living dangerously." >> yes. >> stephen: and went to california's valley to investigate e drought. >> it comes on wednesday. it's very daunting, you know, what we learned, an california is right now experiencing a drought that they haven't seen in 1200 years, if you can believe that. >> stephen: so the rains this year didn't help. >> it's the snow pack, it doesn't get cold enough for the snow in the mountains actually to create a snow pack and that's where the runoff happens and that's where we get most to have the water. they've depleted the aquifers and the ground is sinking in some places in california because all the aquifers have been depleted. >> stephen: so what's going to happen? >> well -- >> stephen: how do you fix it? i think the most important
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election is there are personal things we can do, obviously, you know, watch our water consumption and try to buy products that are clearly -- you know, we keep global warming in mind and do all those things, but, really, it's about supporting the leadership that makes ate part of their platform, so not just at the presidential election but all the way down ballot, we have to get behind the people who will make ate real issue and make sure we understand it's something we absolutve other than that, once that happens, then we have to stay on them. >> stephen: because if we don't have water, we can't stay on the planet. >> if we don't have water, it's not going to work out. >> stephen: elon musk says he's going to be able to put people on mars in 20 years. will you be the first african-american man on mars? >> i don't want to be the first because in most space movies, they're the first ones to go. ( laughter ) >> stephen: weren't you in mission to mars?
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>> stephen: just left you there? >> yes. >> stephen: not cool. yeah. >> stephen: at least they went and got matt damon. >> they came later. >> stephen: did they come later for you? >> yeah. >> stephen: did you have to eat the poop potatoes? >> i was actually the first one to experiment with poop potatoes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: your kids, now you're politically active. are your kids politically active? >> they are, and we've drug them all over the world.>> called woke. >> actually, i was chided for saying that. they said we don't say that anymore. i said, what do you mean, it's already gone? my daughter was upstairs getting ready for a bunch of friends and i said are you going to a club? they said, no, a "black lives matter" rally. i said, okay, wear your tennis
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you're doing. but they're very woke and they're aware. it's going to be the young people that are the hope for these issues. ( applause ) >> stephen: one last before you go, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: don cheadle, everyone. "years of living dangerously," the national geographic channel. back with stevie wonder! ( cheers and applause ) ?
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! folks -- ( cheers and applause ) my next guest needs no introduction. he's one of the greatest musical artistings of all time. please welcome the legendary stevie wonder. ( cheers and applause ) stevie, thank you for being
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>> stephen: that's right. now, you know -- >> stephen: yes, stevie? -- i must say to all of you it is great being here but i know stephen only said that because his name is the same as mine. ( laughter ) but not only that, his birthday is the same day as mine. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and i can't think of any differences between the two of us. ( laughter ) i have to ask you something about what's in front of you. what is that? are you in oor julianne some potatoes? what is in front of you? >> you have to lay on this. >> stephen: why on it? i was thinking about this -- you may say to me, stevie, look, i have to be treated immediately, i have to have surgery, and i know you might have a great love for me --
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( laughter ) >> and you say, how can we do this? i need surgery right away. and i say to you, you know, i can do it. >> stephen: wait, wait a second -- >> are you going to believe me? are you going to trust me? >> stephen: i would trust you with any song, but if you were going to do surgery on me, i might want to have somebody helping you. >> how about this one -- >> stephen: yes. -- if there was where you needed to get to the hospital immediately, right, and you needed someone to drive you there -- >> stephen: yeah. -- would you trust me driving you there? >> stephen: i would prefer even with the amount i love you, i would prefer you not drive me to the hospital, stevie wonder. ( laughter ) >> okay. so this is my point -- we are in a time that we have to make a decision about who is most
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who is going to determine -- ( applause ) what's going to happen for our children? i have four june your -- four jr millennials. four under the age of 16. my youngest is one, okay? ( applause ) you know, i believe in my mother, i believe in this woman, is all i can i do. i voted, already. i didn't drive myself there. i didn't drive myself there. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and you were getting out the vote this weekend for hillary clinton. what is it about her that you're passionate about? >> you know, i believe completely different than those that are putting the word out that you can't trust her. i think that's just a sound byte. sound bytes are like songs.
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see -- if you hear -- ? la, la, la, la ? ? la, la, la, la, la, la, ? ? la, la, la, la, la, la ? ? la, la, la, la, la ? ? my cherry amore ? ? lovely as a so you heard this song, like it, can relate to it. >> stephen: i do. because you've heard it over and over again. so after hearing it, you begin to sing it, hear the melody, feel it, do the little move and all that kind of stuff and, before you know it, you're singing it, okay. >> stephen: and that's what a political slogan is like? >> a political slogan. particularly now, these days,
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do whatever they have to do to persuade you, so you hear the thing, i just don't trust her, i don't why, but i just don't trust her, i just don't trust her -- >> stephen: stevie, if we weren't live, i would want to talk to you forever. but i do have one question for you. i would love to hear you do a song to make people feel calmer tonight. would you be willing to do "don't you worry before we go tonight? ( applause ) >> i will. but i want to encourage you to go out and vote. please, do that. it's your right. and don't believe to those who say to you your vote doesn't matter because your vote does matter. we need you to vote because, truly, right now where we are is --
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? don't delay ? ? send right away, yeah ? ? hey, it's goin' around ? ? breaking many hearts ? ? stop it, please ? ? before it's gone too far ? >> stephen: we'll be back with more stevie wonder and some more love. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ? lowing you down? is it a real drag? you know... i know. new computers are super-fast. and yet here you are with a new world record for the slowest computer. you know about it, now do something about it. upgrade to a new pc. powered by intel. ? what is he doing? i have no clue.
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donald trump: i could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody and i wouldn't lose any voters, okay? and you can tell them to go f--- themselves! you know, you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever... you gotta see this guy. ahh, i don't know what i said, ahh. "i don't remember." he's going like "i don't remember!? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen! stevie wonder! ( cheers and applause ) >> no matter what happens! it's going to be okay! don't you worry about a thing! ? ?
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i tell you what's going to happen -- ? everybody's got a thing ? but some don't know how to handle it ? always reachin' out in vain ? just taking the things not worth having but ? don't you worry 'bout a thing ? don't you worry 'bout a thing, mama ? 'cause i'll be standing on the side ? when you check it out ? they say your style of life's a drag ? and that you must go other places ? but just don't you feel too bad ? when you get fooled by smiling faces but
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? don't you worry 'bout a thing, mama ? 'cause i'll be standing on the side ? when you check it out >> everybody! ? don't you worry 'bout a thing ? don't you worry 'bout a thing >> audience! ? don't you worry 'bout a thing ? don't you worry 'bout a thing
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? don't you worry 'bout a thing, mama ? 'cause i'll be standing on the side ? when you check it out ? don't you worry 'bout a thing >> you! ? ? ? ? bam bambam bambam bambam ? bambambambam bambambambam ?
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>> our movement is about replacing a failed and corrupt political establishment with a new government controlled by you the american people. the establishment has trillions of dollars at stake in this
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>> stephen:um back, everybody! thank you, stevie! you know my next guest from films like "inherent vice" and "steve jobs." now, she stars in the highly anticipated prequel to harry potter, "fantastic beasts and where to find them." please welcome, katherine waterston! ( cheers and applause ) ? >> i can't deal with this! >> stephen: welcome to the concert to save america. ( laughter ) >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: we haven't seen each other since you were at the final party, the rap party for the colbert report. >> i can't hear what you're saying because i'm sitting in the seat stevie wonder just sat in. ( applause ) >> stephen: do you feel the
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>> yeah, i'm just trying to get some of it up into my skirt. wow! >> stephen: there you go. watch out! watch out! ( laughter ) now, for people who don't know, you're the daughter of the great sam vaterston, friend of ours, and fantastic. what's it like growing up with an acting icon like that? did you ever do "law and order"? >> wow, you just went straight for the juggler. ever lived in new york city who could not get hired on that show. >> stephen: i hate to tell ya, i was in "law and order." ( laughter ) yeah. >> how did you -- >> stephen: i don't know. they just fobbed you up and said -- >> they said, we've got a guy who kills an old lady with a live bomb, we thought of you. ( laughter ) >> some people on that show say things like, she never came home
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that. >> stephen: didn't you call your dad and say, dad, help? >> my sister-in-law, brother and brother-in-law were on the show. >> stephen: now you have the ha ha, because you're in the fantastic beast and you know where to find them. >> i showed you, "law and order." >> stephen: you sure did. you play an ex-orork, magician catcher. >> i'm basically a denoted cop. >> stephen: a magic cop. a magic cop. >> stephen: this is a big movien from choose. i'm sure people who like me who are fans of harry potter are trying to pry spoilers out of you all the time. >> do you have any special techniques for doing that? i lock you in your dressing room and don't let you out. ( laughter ) did anything surprise you? i assume you were a fan.
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these movies? >> they don't tell us anything. probably because they're so afraid that we're going to gossip about it or something. yeah, just last week, we had this fan event in london, and j.k. rowling walked on to the stage. they didn't even tell us she was going to be there. she told the audience that we were going to make a fifth film, we thought maybe we would make four, and i was sitting there on stage, all the actors had their just thinking maybe there was some kind of stem cell lab in switzerland that i could go to dip my whole body in to stay well preserved to get that film. i'm imagining us with our walkers and wands -- >> stephen: i would like to do something to your face now if you don't mind. >> thought yo you would never a. >> stephen: i was wondering if i could prove you're sam's
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>> yeah. >> stephen: this is what your father looks like, to remind everyone. so look at me right here. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: now, look into the camera and say something sam waterston would say, and we'll give you the sound effect. >> the trick is the eyebrows go uneven, right? >> stephen: yeah. it's the law! ? >> stephen: what do you think, sam? any good? >> dad! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: sam waterston, everybody! katherine waterston! fantastic beasts and where to find them putting a wife to work is a very dangerous thing.
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**". when you're a star, they let you do it. you can do anything. more accusers coming forward to say they were sexually assaulted by donald trump. i'll go backstage before a show... yes.. and everyone's getting dressed. donald trump walked into the dressing room while contestants, some as young as 15 were changing. standing there with no clothes. you see these incredible looking women. she ate like a pig. a person who's flat-chested is very hard to be a 10. do you treat women with respect? uh... i can't say that either. alright, good.
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not getting your best sleep? could be you've got the wrong bed. enter sleep number... she likes the bed soft. he's more hardcore. you can both adjust the bed for the best sleep of your life.
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r sleep with sleep number. ? >> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in to showtime tomorrow for our live post-election show at 11:00 pm.


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