tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 13, 2015 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
ng at 4-30. thanks for watching. the late show with stephen colbert is up next. >> our next newscast tomorrow morning at 4:30. let's make a deal. let's all stay up and see you right here. ♪ ♪ ( band playing intro m captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! welcome to "the late show," everybody! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: hey, thanks so much, everybody. ( cheers and applause )
welcome-- thank you. eyes and teeth. thank you so much, everybody. welcome to "the late show." ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. that's my-- that's my leprechaun character. hello! hello! i'm stephen colbert. it's 11:35, which means the blinking clock on your oven will soon be right again. ( laughter ) thank you-- twice a day. thanks for joining us this tuesday. i'm sure many of you watched the first democratic presidential debate over on cnn. we tape this show early, so i have not watched it yet. i don't know what happened. but i do know cnn released where the candidates would be standing on the stage. hillary clinton was in the
center. bernie sanders was onher right, making it the first time in history he's been to the right of anyone. ( cheers and applause ) then there are the three other candidates: governor martin o'malley, senator jim webb and governor lincoln chaffee. little-known fact about lincoln chaffee: anything. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( laughter ) it's not going to get better than that. we've got a great show for you tonight. i'll be talking with emmy award- winning actor and comedian sarah silverman. ( cheers and applause ) i called her-- i just called h her-- i just called her an actor
and commedia, which, of course, is the fem nip of comedduous. sarasarah silverman's standup is pretty risque. if you've never heard it, you also won't hear it on cbs. we also have elijah wood. i'm a big fan. he stars in the upcoming film "the last witch hunter," alongside vin diesel, which is impressive. because they usually give that part to a car. ( laughter ) tonight, tonight, elijah's going to help me do one of the hardest things i've ever attempted: "not" talk about "lord of the rings" for eight minutes. i'll do it. i'll do it. ( applause ) let me out! we'll also have a performance from "the legend of zelda:
symphony of the goddesses," ( cheers and applause ) a 54-piece orchestra that plays music from the legend of zelda. it's the most stirring orchestral theme for a video game since wagner's "the mario kart of the valkries." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ♪ ♪ talking about stirring themes, man. that sound right there is just pure, uncut pleasure. say hi to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) they are about to kick off the show, but before they blow your mind, one more thing: after being charged with a d.u.i., a florida man told police that it was actually
his dog who was driving. but that didn't help. it turned out to be a bag of meth. >> tonight, stephen welcomes sarah silverman. elijah wood. and a musical performance by "the legend of zelda: symphony of the goddesses." featuring jon batiste and stay human. ( band playing "late show" theme ) and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert." ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good day. good day. good day.
>> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you, everybody. cheers! cheers! happy, happy 26th show. this is our 26th show. ( cheers and applause ) i don't know if it's an auspicious number, but it feels good. you having a good time, jon? >> stephen: yay, i'm always having a good time. >> stephen: that's what it seems like. it seems like that. how is the show treating you? now that we've done 26 shows, we've done it over a month and you walk down the street are prime saying, "hey, that's jon batiste!" >> of. >> jon: sometimes. >> stephen: they never say that to me. i would love it if they said, "there's jon batiste." it would mean that i have lost some weight. you take your jock seriously, right? you have fun but you take your jobs seriously. all of you guys.
you're very serious musicians, right? >> jon: yes. i take my job seriously as well. being on television every night, talking about the events of the day is a sacred trust that i will learn everything about an issue before expressing my opinion. problem is, i'm on tv every night. i don't have time to know what i'm talking about. i'm a busy man. i can either talk or i can know. ( laughter ) and the fact sthe fact remains that's correct a camera and this is my mouth. so i think i know which one i'm going for. this is stephen colbert's hot takes. we've never even debate it before, and people are excited. let me explain something. a hot take is where i've got an opinion right off the bat, and my opinion is coming in so fast, it's like a meteor plunging towards earth, the ablative heating of friction
of the atmosphere scorching the surface rock until its molten flying lava. that's what this graphic is supposed to be and not, as you might have assumed, a flaming turd. ( laughter ) we're working on it. it's the first night. we're working on it. all right. so, first off, first off, let me just give you the rules for a hot take. i cannot back up anything i'm saying about anything i'm about to say. no information. these aren't just the rules for me. they're the rules for anyone on television who has to have have an instant, if uninformed opinions, just like espn anchors and ben carson. i'm just yanking them. i'm just yanking these ideas from where the hen lays eggs. also, from where i do. i assume i dunno.
i wake up in the morning, there's eggs in the fridge. and i didn't buy them. ( laughter ) tonight's first hot take: prison. life behind bars in a 6 x 8 cell with a maniac for a roomate just got unpleasant. >> the federal bureau of prisons is telling inmates no pork for you. starting this month, pork won't be served in federal prisons. >> that means no more bacon, pork chops or ham. the bureau of prisons says the decision was based on a survey of prisoners' food preferences. a a spokesman for the pork producer's council says he eyewitness news it hard to believe that a survey would have a majority of any population saying no thanks. i don't want any backon. >> stephen: yeah, i also find that hard to believe. there is no majority of any population on earth that would say "i don't want any bacon." sure, muslims and jews can't have any, but i never heard one
of them say "i don't want any." ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) i think that's the problem in the middle east. it's all misplaced bacon rage. my hot take-- i don't like it! listen, i not like-- again, we're working on it. i understand-- don't get me wrong, i understand that prison is punishment, but life without possibility of pork is cruel and unusual. think of all the delicious foods that come from a pig-- ham, pork chops, bacon, footballs. oh, yeah. ive super bowl sunday i put out a honey glazed pigskin. prison is bad enough. pork is the one ray of sunshine these inmates have. you may have gotten shivved in your sleep, but at least it was
the sharpened end of a baby back rib. you can kind of taste it through your lung. a life without bacon is a slow, tedious march to death. mostly because the bacon really speeds that march up. next up america's pasttime is still reeling from a controversial slide by chase utley of the. l.a. dodgers, who took out the mets' ruben tejada on saturday. look at that! he went straight at him! hey, utley, what part of "dodger" don't you understand?! ( cheers and applause ) now utley is a pariah, tejada is out for the season, and tejada's ankles are still being recovered from low earth orbit. here's my hot take: my hot take. i don't like this. that is a dirty slide and utley deserves to be punished. either he takes the m.l.b.'s two-game suspension or he's locked in an iron maiden by. mr. met.
( cheers and applause ) and i'm qualified-- i believe i am qualified to make that judgment because i'm a former player. i put in my years on the dusty diamond, the ol' batting flats glove junction, as we called it. in fact, not to brag, but i played for two-time pee-wee league champion snyder's esso. yeah. backup right fielder. the catcher of the outfield. i need more-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) look at those briskets! look at that! you need more proof? look at this. look at this. this is my little league trophy. all right? yeah. ( cheers and applause ) look at that! and based on my experience at the very least, utley should have to stay in the station wagon while the rest of the team goes to dairy queen. okay.
you just think about what you did, utley. the rest of us are getty peanut butter parfaits, maybe double dip soft serve. i know that seems cruel, but at least he still gets bacon. ( applause ) now, my final-- my final hot take, belarus. this week, belarusian president alexander lukashenko won his fifth term with a landslide 83.5% of the vote. meaning only 16.5% of belarus will be goingv to prison. ( laughter ) now, some people are-- some western observers are calling this election a sham because opposition leaders weren't allowed to register as candidates as opposed to the american system where everyone has to register as a candidate. ( applause ) yeah. now, i'm no fan of lukashenko,
i'm no fan of lukashenko. i've been against him ever since i heard about him today, but sometimes, dictators have good ideas. in this case, his polling stations handed out doughnuts and alcohol to lure voters. doughnuts and alcohol should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever seen the belarussian food pyramid. ( applause ) my hot take: i like it! ( cheers and applause ) and i think we should try it here. anything to get more eligible voters to the polls. remember, you're getting the booze and the doughnuts after you vote. that not only guarantees that you're sober when you pull the lever, but if you get enough booze, you'll feel better about the fact that these were your choices. ( laughter ) ( applause ) all right? me, these guys.
i'll tell you what, i think i'm voting for oscar winner. j.k. simmons. ( cheers and applause ) you didn't even see-- you didn't even see he was in there. you didn't even know him before. why? because you're drunk. so let's recap our hot takes. no bacon for our prisoners. >> audience: booooo! >> stephen: chase utley's slide? >> audience: booooo! >> stephen: if you vote, you get boooooze! >> audience: yaaaay! >> stephen: we'll be right back with sarah silverman. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ i've smoked a lot
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if i know one thing about my viewers, it's that you watch t.v. ( cheers ) yeah. and one of the best things about t,v. is the commercials. they're like mini-shows that always end with the same heartwarming message ( cheers and applause ) buy something. ( cheers and applause ) and right now, there is one ad out there that's so powerful i can't wait until the next commercial break for you to see it. >> cooper, i am your father. >> no, no, no. i am your father. >> that's gotta be the worst vader ever. >> campbell's "star wars" soups. >> how about you be chewbacca
>> made for real, real life. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: now you may have noticed-- it was pretty good. pret i good. well made. you may have noticed, that commercial featured a non-traditional marriage. i'm talking of course. of the union between campbell's soup and "star wars." may the forced product integration be with you! but you may have also noticed that the family had two dads. it's no surprise. it is no surprise that campbell's supports all types of marriages since it just helps them sell more cans. ( laughter ) but here's the thing-- this is "star wars," and this is soup so, naturally, some people are angry. in this case, the mother-based activist group one million moms. they promote fundamentalist christian values by, as far as i can tell, getting mad at t.v.
commercials. they claim "campbell's soup is glorifying this unnatural marriage," and "this gay-inclusive commercial is attempting to desensitize viewers." it's true. this soup ad that normalizes gay relationships could have profound effects on young people back in the 70s. i saw an ad where a man and a woman eat campbell's together. and to this day, i like women and soup. coincidence? everybody keeps saying it is. and they're right. the point is, one million moms are furious that campbell's is being associated with gay men. pssst, nobody tell them about. andy warhol. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) and the moms had some strong words for the company, saying: "this is a marketing decision campbell's will regret." yes, nothing will teach campbell's a lesson more than free publicity.
( laughter ) i mean, if it wasn't for those one million moms, i wouldn't have shown that whole commercial just now. thal teach ya! now, for the record, for the record, i don't think this ad is offensive. in fact, i find it heartwarming. but that's the problem. it's too heartwarming. i'm a dad, and i don't always have time to be eating soup with my kids. and that kid gets two dads competing for his attention! i'm just trying to do the best i can, okay. this is a true center. yesterday morning i'm coming down for breakfast and i'm sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee, trying to wake up and make it to the day. and i look up and see my wife is sitting there with my two sons at the breakfast table and they're talking about their day and having their serial-- "did you get your math home work done? what's going on after school today?" and i realized, why aren't i sitting at the table?
i didn't even think about sitting at the table. i'm the dad. and so i-- you know, i put down my coffee, i got up on my elboys on the side of the kitchen table between my wife and one of my sons and my other son is over there and i'm like, "hey, hey, good morning." ( laughter ) and-- and they all just turned and looked at me silently. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so i just took one of the strawberries off my son's plate, and sat back down with my coffee and they laughed, and, you know, like, you know, "it's okay, dad. we know you're not sitting at the table." ( laughter ) and-- and the strawberry was good. ( laughter ) the point is, i love my children. i love my family. but the only way this ad resembles my life is that with no mom around the kids are eating canned food for dinner. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest is an emmy award-winning comedian and my first guest is an emmy award-winning comedian and actress. please welcome sarah silverman. ( cheers and applause ) >> what is that music from? >> stephen: what is that music? >> stephen: bach. >> stephen: we are super classiy here now. it's all bach. vivaldi. you look very classy yourself. >> thank you. i'm so happy to be here, and i'm just-- can i just have one second to express how much i appreciate you, and i'm in awe of you, and i-- i think you're
so-- so funny and important an and-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: shhhh! don't interrupt her. ( laughter ). >> and so thoughtful, and you really have replaced the hole in my heart that phil donahue left so long ago. >> stephen: thank you. >> you really have. >> stephen: thank you. >> and i wish i could express to you -- >> marlo thomas and i are very happy together. >> i know drew barrymore flashed hir breasts to letterman trying to convey her love, and i know that's not your cup of tea. i could show you the top of my -- >> what did you say? >> i could show you the top row of my pubes. when you make someone repeat it, it loses its lustre. >> stephen: i promise you, if i had known that's what you
said, i would not have made you ripete it. that is my promise to you right now. >> it made it less in the moment. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you know what, the last time i saw you was over at the old gig and your boyfriend michael sheen. you guys still going out? >> yes. >> stephen: he was there and you guys were all handsy on each other backstage. you were like all lovey-dove. >> we weren't, like, making out. we were classy. he classes me up. but i also pull him down. >> stephen: oh, okay. ( laughter ). >> so i'm a comedian and i'll think of funny tweets and general i said eye wrote a funny tweet about my boyfriend. but i wasn't thinking, like, people would assume i was talking about him because you're just eye thought of a funny tweet and i needed to make it about my boyfriend. i said, "my boyfriend named his penis. he named it the great christine baransky." a few weeks later, i was reading the news-- a.k.a., "us weekly,"
and there was a piece that michael sheen has named his penis the great christine baransky. >> stephen: wow! >> and i showed it to him and he just kind of stewed, and then all that came out of his mouth was, "i played henry v!" it was like-- ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: that is-- you know what? that would be an excellent name for his penis. >> i know, "i play henry v." >> stephen: no, "henry v." you're a pretty important actress yourself these days. there's oscar buzz. i'm going to say it. there is oscar buzz about your movie. don't you fall into character for me. two can play that game. you do. you have a fantastic new movie called "i smile back." and i first thought this was a movie about people in an elevator.
but-- ( laughter ) yeah, exactly. but it's about someone who is, like, dealing with deep issues, a woman's personal, emotional anguish. do you mind if we show a little clip? it's you with a therapist, i think, and i don't think we need to know anything else other than you with a therapist and you're going through heavy stuff. >> yes. >> where would you like to start? >> really? >> really? >> what's more interesting for you, the daddy issues or the drugs? >> well, i like to start with the daddy issues because it's a very organic segue into the drugs. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> i like this. >> stephen: i understand. i understand. so now that you're, like, a legitimate actress and everything, do you have to hide your identity? like, when you travel, do you have to travel under an assumed
name? >> i usually don't if i'm in new york or l.a. but in the country when i'm touring, if i'm staying at a hotel, that's the one hotel anyone could find me if they know i'm in poughkeepsie. i do use a name. i'm going to plo blow it here. i'm going to have to think of a new one. >> stephen: this is the name you use when you're travel. >> emma thompson. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: really? >> i have always used emma thompson. because, yes, she's a brilliant oscar-winning actress, but no one's looking for her in poughkeepsie. ( laughter ) so it's genius. >> stephen: so it's literally like a guy with an airport with a sign that says emma thompson when you arrive? >> yes, and one time this man was standing there, and his was folded. and i'm look and i don't see it anywhere. and i see this man and he's like this, and his sign is folded. and i go, "i think you might be looking for me." and he goes, "uh, no."
( laughter ) and i said, "emma thompson?" and he went, "yeah." ( laughter ) he was so sad. he was so excited to meet emma thompson. >> stephen: oh, my god. you can stick around? because we've got to hear about some soup and some gay people. >> i'm pretty busy but sure. >> stephen: i want to talk. a few jokes with you. >> all right. >> stephen: we'll be right back with more sarah silverman. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, i'm here with the great sarah silverman. sarah, you're a big fancy actor now with your movie "i smile back," but i know comedy is your first love and my first love, too. ever since i was a kid. did you tell jokes when you were a kid? >> yes. >> stephen: i love kids ask jokes and throofs a tumblr i like called "bad kids jokes. they're real jokes told by children and i don't want to tell those jokes right now the but i was hoping you could join me in the jokes that were cut. this is secondary page. these are jokes that didn't make the cut but i believe in children and i believe in the jokes. will you help me sell these
jokes? >> yes, i will. >> stephen: you pick the first one. >> there were three guys on a plane. one bit into an apple, thought it was too sweet. he threw it out the window. the second guy bit into a rock. that's the whole thing. that's terrible. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> stephen: a man always laughing, his name is wilson. one day a friend of wilson asked him, "why are you always happy?" wilson looked his friend and slap his friend and that day wilson never laughed because wilson is ghost now. ( laughter ) >> that might be smart. >> stephen: it might be. >> in a way we don't get. it might be meta, meta. knock, knock. >> stephen: toilet. >> toilet-- toilet cat. >> stephen: who's there? >> toilet who? ( laughter ) this is, uh-- this isn't-- this
is commedia. it's not comedy. >> stephen: what do you call a middle aged sad, gray haired woman? a teacher. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> comdie really reflects the times. >> stephen: let's close with that one. bring that one back. >> what-- what did the egg say to the other egg? have aning a-selent day. there's an addendum. i hope you laugh out loud and tell your friends this joke. if your friends don't get the joke, explain the joke. it will be funny. >> stephen: you've got to explain the jokes. sarah silverman, thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: have you enjoyed this at all? >> i've enjoyed this experience. >> stephen: because i've really enjoyed having you here. it means a lot to me if you have a good time. >> oh, good. then i did. >> stephen: okay, good. >> i did. i have a lovely time.
( laughter ) >> stephen: when you got here you said such nice things to me. >> yeah, i did. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i did, didn't i? >> stephen: well, sarah silverman stars in "i smile back" in theaters october 23. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ all of our legendary racing heritage. all of our pioneering four wheel drive experience. come together in one amazing new vehicle. this is the all-new gle coupe. a mercedes-benz suv with the heart and soul of a race car.
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♪ choorp chier( cheers and applau) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is an actor whose films include "the lord of the rings trilogy," "the ice storm", and "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind." he's now starring in the supernatural action film, "the last witch hunter." please welcome elijah wood. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, you like what we've done? >> this is beautiful! >> stephen: yeah. yeah. >> congratulations. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> this is so special. >> stephen: yeah, it is. it feels special. it feels very nice. and it's nice to have you here. >> it's very nice to see you. >> stephen: i haven't seen you in a few years. >> it's been a year, sir.
>> stephen: that's exactly right because you were at the last show of the last show we did at the "colbert report." i saw a great picture, you and kareem abdul-jabbar. >> kissinger was backstage, too. >> stephen: you and henry kissinger. >> it's the only person that night i asked to have a photo with because i don't do that to people. i said i can't miss this opportunity. i said, mkissinger, do you mind?" he said, "sure." >> stephen: he was also the only person in the room shorter than you are. >> he was sitting down. >> stephen: he gets shorter as he gets older. he is 156 years old. he was the national security adviser to taft. >> he's a hobbit. hobbits live for a very long time. >> stephen: exactly, a very long time. >> don't get me started. >> stephen: >don't tolken teaseme. we're going to be to be good abt this and move on. >> appreciate your strength, sir. >> stephen: you've been acting since you were eight years old. >> yes. >> stephen: how come you've 95 gone into the, like, super
downward spiral where you end up behind the music or something like that? why do you seem like a fairly-- >> behind the music. >> stephen: whatever. they have one of those for actors, right? >> sure, shoe, what happens. >> stephen: behind the camera. behind the kraft service table. how did you keep it screwed on, man? >> it's-- my mother. 100%. my mother. >> stephen: really? >> i would not be the person they am today. ( cheers and applause ) both internally and, you know, where i am in my career if it hadn't been for my mom. >> stephen: she kept you grounded? >> yeah, she was obsessed with keeping me grounded. she drilled humility into me. >> stephen: let's talk about what you're doing now. you're mr. big-- >> i'm not mr. big anything, sir. >> stephen: yes, you are. >> let's get that-- let's get that straight. >> stephen: you have your only company, spectra. >> spectra vision. >> stephen: you make horror movies. >> correct, horror and genre films. >> stephen: you like horror a lot i understand. >> i do. >> stephen: what scares you? does anything scare jew i don't get scared that easily.
horror films don't scare me. >> stephen: you make horror films but you don't get horrified. >> i don't get horr five-day forecast no. >> stephen: can i try to horrify you? >> yes. >> stephen: at the base of each of your eye lashes there is a crab-like creature eats the dead skin from around your eye, and when you wake nupt morning, that sleep that's in the corner of your eyes, that's the poop, of that little creature. and i'm not making that up. and every single person has these eye lash mights on their face and there's nothing you can do about it. >> is that true? >> stephen: yes, it's true if you look it up. are you horrified that you have those on your eyeballs right now? >> no, not really. >> stephen: really? i'm horrified describing it to you. ( laughter ). >> if it you were, like, maybe-- i was afraid of spiders. >> stephen: they look like spiders. >> that's terrifying. all right, that's terrifying. >> stephen: you have eye spiders. >> eye spiders, that's a little bit more-- mites is not very scary. >> stephen: all right, let's talk about something else that might be scary.
i'm trying, i'm trying, man, i'm trying. show business. "the last witch hunter," you play a priest, like a witch-hunting priest? >> i play a priest called dolan the 37th. i've tried to describe this. i'm essentially a priest in a long line of priests tasked with serving can vi vin diesel's character, who is a mortal witch hunter. >> stephen: we have a clip. i don't think we need to explain anything more. let's take a look. >> i was five years old when witches set our house on fire. my parents died. but you walked through the flames, wrapped me in a blanket, and jumped out the second-story window. your body broke the fall. i told you that before. >> i remember. >> you hunted down the witches and brought them to justice. i've waited my entire life for the opportunity to help you.
>> well, now's your chance. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that box, he opens it up, and there's nothing in there. >> nothing in there. >> stephen: is that because you stole his weed? what's supposed to be-- it looks like it's supposed to hold, like, one really big joint. and the second thing is how often did you make him say, "i am gruting ?" ( applause ). >> i never did. >> stephen: you never did. he's totally grute. >> you know what is the truth-- and i'm sorry i'm going to bring you back to something you swore not to talk about. he's a huge tolled ken fan. this man read the sem rillian, and he told peter jackson he
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." thanks again to legend of swreld da. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be jack black, ceo of go-pro, nick woodman, and mcarthur genius tap dancer, michelle dorrance. now stick around for james corden, good night, everybody. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org don't you worry they'll fix your bike you'll soon