tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 20, 2015 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
our next newscast is tomorr morning at 4-30. the late show with stephen colbert is up next. >> our next newscast, tomorrow mortgage at 4:30. >> good night. ♪ ♪ ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! jon batiste and stay human! beautiful! thank you! >> stephen! stephen! stephen!
stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the late show." please sit down. thank you very much. welcome to the "late show". i am your host, stephen colbert. and this is your band, jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody! i think y'all might be the band tonight. okay. i'm very excited. one of the nicest things about this show is to cover the election, and tonight, the second republican debate has already happened on cnn. i haven't watched it yet, in keeping with the proud american tradition of not watching cnn. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, if you've seen it, please, no spoilers! do not tell me which ethnic
group donald trump insulted or how much the audience applauded. we've got a delicious show for you tonight. i hope you brought a bib because we've got kevin spacey. ( cheers and applause ) incredible. incredible. he's nominated for an emmy this weekend for his work on "house of cards" playing president frank underwood, who is an evil fictional character who kills people but is still beating bobby jindal in the polls. ( laughter ) good luck. good luck, governor. you're gonna get him. our musical guests tonight are john mellencamp and willie nelson. ( cheers and applause ) they're here to perform and more importantly celebrate the 30th
anniversary of farm aid. ( cheers and applause ) go ahead. over the years, through farm aid, they have raised $50 million to help small family farms. and you know i grow my own basil on the windowsill, so i'm pretty sure they owe me, like, 20 bucks. before we get started i want to try something different, something special. every night before the show tapes-- these guys know this-- and i didn't do it tonight, i come out here before the show to answer questions from the studio audience to humanize me. it's important to maintain the illusion that i am a human. ( laughter ) anyway, no one at home ever gets to see that. so let's give it a shot right now. jimmy, let's bump up the lights. ( cheers and applause ) this is nice. hey! that's nice. does anybody-- does anybody. let's start over here. over in the corner, that man right over there with the
goatee, is it? >> full beard. >> stephen: full beard. i apologize. i didn't realize how manly you were. your question, sir. my biggest what? my biggest transition to "the late show." the old show we did was at 11:30. this one is at 11:35. so, so, now, now we have time to write some jokes. ( laughter ) yes, the redhead in the third row right there. >> yes, i'd like to know why you're doing this bit. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: carol burnett? carol! wow! ( cheers and applause ) holy cow! ( cheers and applause ) incredible! that's amazing. that's amazing.
thank you. well, carol, well, carol, thank you for being here. what's your question, carol? >> it's just that i wanted to know where you get off doing this bit because it's my bit. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't understand. >> stephen, for 11 years, you know, i used to come out and i'd take questions. i would take questions with the audience. and so, really, you know, it's mine. i own this. ( applause ) >> stephen: carol, you can't-- i'm sorry, listen. i'm a big fan. i'm a huge fan. i never missed your show, but, carol, you don't own the idea of answering questions. >> well, that's true technically, but i have a patent on it. and i quote, "for responding to the audience inquiries on a televised comedy-variety broadcast." >> stephen: all right, fine. you own questions and answers. then get up here and show me how it's done. carol burnett, everybody. ( cheers and applause )
( cheers and applause ) carol burnett! ( cheers and applause ) carol. thank you so much for being here. what a pleasure. carol burnett, everybody. we have time, i think. are there any-- >> does anybody -- >> please, have a seat, everybody. >> let me do it! >> sorry. >> anybody have any questions? yes, that gentleman there, yeah. >> there's a rumor going on in our building. we live at 200 west 54th, that you used to live in that building. did you? >> i did live. that's above the stage delicatessen. >> which doesn't exist anymore. >> they thought i was a good cook because i would open the window and smell everything from the same. >> what floor were you on? >> i was on the fourth floor. >> do you remember-- we are on the fourth floor.
( laughter ) >> maybe you're in my old apartment. >> stephen: he's beginning to sound like a stalker. >> yes, down there? >> you were both amazing on howard stern recently. >> thank you. >> and i was curious-- stephen, i know-- but what was your expectation and them what did you think of being on the show? >> at first i was nervous about being on with howard stern, and then after the first couple of questions, he was nervous with me. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right. let's-- yes, that young lady right there. yeah. >> could do you your tarzan yell? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'd be happy to. >> excuse me, but that's my tarzan yell. >> stephen: your tarzan yell? >> yes, uh-huh. >> stephen: i bet that's news to tarzan. ( laughter ) >> are you ready? ( emits tarzan yell )
( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, i-- i guess-- i guess it is yours, carol. i apologize. >> that's okay. >> stephen: okay, you ready to do the show? >> sure. >> stephen: you guys ready to do the show? >> yeah! >> stephen: you all ready to do the show? ( cheers and applause ) great. me, too. >> hey! >> stephen: tonight, i welcome kevin spacey... carol burnett... musical guests willie nelson and john mellencamp.
featuring jon batiste and stay human. captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ and now, it's time for the "late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) i agree. i agree. carol burnett, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: did they chant that at your old show? >> yeah, they would. they would chant, "stephen! stephen! stephen." >> stephen: they were prophetic. we're here again as i said with comedy legend, carol burnett. we worked out our differences. thank you for being here, carol. >> thank you. >> stephen: this is not the first time you've been on the stage.
when was the first time you were on the stage here at ed sullivan theater? >> on this very stage? 1959. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what do you think of what we've done with the place? >> i like what you've done with the place. it was different-- well, this was the old-- i think oscar hammerstein theater. >> stephen: yeah, it was built in 1927. >> and i did the "gary moore" show here. and it was kind of wild. there was a teeny little elevator here. >> stephen: there still is a teeny little elevator here. >> i know, and that was my quick-change room. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so between scenes you would go out and get in the elevator? >> yeah, because we did the show kind of like a live show, and if there was a quick change or something, my dressing room was clear up on the fourth floor and i couldn't run up and back and forth so we kept the elevator down here. >> stephen: you closed the door of the elevator and got changed? >> yes. one time gary moore and i had the same idea and we both changed together. we did. >> stephen: you have something very exciting here. you have a new dvd called "carol burnett show: the lost episodes."
"the lost episodes." these-- i understand, they released the last six years of the "carol burnett show." this is the-- >> the first five. which have not been seen since they were first aired. >> stephen: and how did they get lost, and who lost them? ( laughter ) because i work for cbs now. i want to make sure they're keeping track of everything we've recorded. >> i hope they do. tim conway actually stole them and hid them in the basement. but-- no, it was some kind of legal mumbo jumbo, or whatever. so when we were going to go into syndication, we could only do the last six years, and now everything's been cleared up, so we have the first five years. and it's all new. >> stephen: well, excellent. so it's "the lost episodes of the "carol burnett show." one of the episodes that was my favorite, of course, and really sort of broke everyone's heart was your last episode back in 19-- what year was that? >> '78. >> stephen: that's what i thought. i was going to say '78 if you hadn't interrupted me. i forgive you. i forgive you.
one of the last guests ever to come on your show was jimmy stewart, who was your idol, right? >> he was my idol. >> stephen: and surprised you and came on the show. >> he surprised me. i loved him so much. i grew up loving jimmy stewart as an actor, and then as a person, once i got to know him. >> stephen: was he your idol? >> yes, he was. >> stephen: well, there's actually somebody here tonight, and you are his idol, and it's the actor kevin spacey. and he would like to come out and say hi. kevin spacey, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> i love you. >> sit down. >> stephen: now, kevin, before we get started here, i just want to say are you going to be my guest a little bit later, so your publicist assured me that
you would not be out here appearing as kevin spacey, that you can be somebody else for us right now. >> yup. yup. yup, that's true. ( imitating jimmy stewart ) i wanted to come out here tonight for you, carol, because you may remember, i used to go on the "johnny carson show" and well, i'd read a poem every now and then. so since we're celebrating the release of the "lost episodes," why, i found the lost poem. ( laughter ) and i'm going to do it for you. i'm just going to get that off your face. >> thank you, jimmy. >> i'm going to do it for you right now. i hope you have time, steve. >> stephen: i want to-- i want to inform the affiliates we might be going long tonight. ( laughter ) >> yeah, that is only because i
never was able to honor that new year's resolution i made every year, which was to talk faster. ( laughter ) anyway. ( cheers and applause ) this is a little poem i've done. i call it "carol." "carol burnett is a wonderful gal she always makes me laugh somehow all she has to do is put on that silly grin and i get this funny feeling all over my chin. whether she's wearing a dress made of old drapes or doing that tarzan yell like some crazy apes the stewardess, nora desmond, the chairwoman, and that poor mrs. wiggins. why these are just some of the characters for which she's won all those ribbons.
i'm not usually a sentimental fellow but when she tugs her ear the tears that come make my eyes all yellow. but aye made a decision i'm sure you will agree sublime, once i'm done with the stumbling stewart- like ditty i rhyme, the drinks are on me at the bar because carol burnett is still comedy's greatest star. ( cheers and applause ) >> the "carol burnett show: the lost episodes" dvd set is available in stores now! carol burnett, jimmy stewart. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) tsomeone who can handle six things at once.sker. someone like ... jorge!
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tonight is the second republican debate. again, i haven't seen it. don't tell me what happens to john snow. i hope he's okay. that man would know how to build a wall and make the white walkers pay for it! ( cheers and applause ) strong leadership! this time, the candidates are debating in the reagan library, a mecca for people who would never compare it to mecca. ( laughter ) so naturally everyone in the republican field is doing anything they can to get their ronnie on. donald trump, donald trump has already snapped up reagan's motto to make america great again. jeb bush has been wearing a reagan-bush t-shirt, and carly fiorina recently changed her tax policy and her hairstyle. ( laughter ) of course, one of the most
iconic reagan campaign moments was his legendary bear in the woods ad about confronting the danger of the russkies. take us back to 1984 and scare the leg warmers off us. >> there is a bear in the woods. for some people, the bear is easy to see. others don't see it at all. some people say the bear is tame. others say it's vicious and dangerous. since no one can really be sure who's right, isn't it smart to be as strong as the bear? if there is a bear. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i remember. i remember. i remember back then. reagan was so terrified of that bear for most of his second term he kept nancy in a bag hanging from a tree. it's the only way to protect her. so if you're a republican candidate like one of these guys the bear ad is the gold standard. and in terms of ripping it off, ted cruz just stole one from the gipper.
>> there's a scorpion in the desert. for most of us, its venom is a clear and deadly threat, but others refuse to even speak its name. since the scorpion seeks our destruction, isn't it time we recognized the scorpion for what it is before it strikes again? ( laughter ) >> i'm ted cruz, and i approved this message. >> stephen: wait, wait, wait, what does the scorpion represent? is it terrorism? iran? mexicans? scorpions? a bear in a scorpion costume? what! and for that matter, the ad criticizes some people because they refuse to say its name, but ted cruz doesn't say his name in the ad. wait, doesn't say his name. is it voldemort? but wait. ( cheers and applause ) worst of all.
but worse than any of that, if cruz knows that scorpion is a clear and deadly threat, then why on earth does he let the scorpion get away at the end of the commercial? ( laughter ) and for that matter, why is he wearing boots made of ostrich. that's not exactly an animal known for facing down threats. you know, folks, as good as this ad is, i think this ad asks more questions than it answers, but it has inspired me to make an ad that tackles an issue i care about in a much more specific way. >> there's a spider in the desert. there's also a spider on a stick. and this one in utah. look, there's one on a nickel! and check this out, it's a spider doing push-ups on a mirror. the point is, there are spiders everywhere. some won't name the spider, but i will. he's named alan, and they think he's harmless.
but to some of us, it's obvious that he's going to crawl into your ear while you're sleeping and lay eggs in there. oh, yeah. it happened to the cousin of a guy i went to camp with. spiders-- they're hatching in your brain right now. i'm stephen colbert and i approved this-- ahh! what is that? get it off of me! oom. hey you guys should come over later. the exclusive one-coat color collection from behr® marquee interior. every color covers in one coat, guaranteed. turning a two-coat job into an easy marquee® afternoon. sfx: phone chime they're still at it. ♪ behr® marquee. behr's most advanced interior paint and primer. exclusively at the home depot. alaska. finally. the search for brown bears begins. denali highway. low on gas. pit stop. fill up. double points. yep, that's cold. tired. day 2. coffee. eggs.
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( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is an oscar- winning actor, director, writer, and producer. please welcome the great kevin spacey. ( cheers and applause ) that was fun, man. that was fantastic. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: please sit down, please sit down. wow.
the last occupant of that chair was carol burnett. >> yeah. >> stephen: pretty incredible. >> what an amazing woman. >> stephen: unbelievable. do you feel the greatness welling up through your buttocks right now? >> no, but i'll look in my gift bag later. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, thanks for being here. thanks for being here. >> thank you for having me. what's in this, is this vodka like i asked? >> stephen: for legal reasons i'm going to say it's water. >> okay. i was just on the anonymous safety tip hot line backstage. >> stephen: really? >> well, after that spider commercial -- >> spooky stuff. that's really spooky stuff. >> spooky stuff, but i should tell you, it's actually, the spider is francis underwood. >> stephen: that's one of the things i want to talk to you about is that you play one of the spookiest, creepiest guys in all political "entertainment," if we can call it that. >> we can. >> stephen: okay. >> yes. >> stephen: who do you think
you're talking to when you talk right to the camera? ( laughter ) who is that person? is it like a close confidant? because the person you're actually talking to, of course, are people on a 10-hour netflix binge... ( laughter ) sucking on box wine. >> this is the truth from the very beginning. when i'm looking directly into that camera, i'm talking to one person, and one person only. and that is donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: extraordinary. >> now it all starts to make sense. >> stephen: i think he's getting the messages. i think he's getting the messages you're sending him over the tv. in the land of the "house of cards," do you ever say to yourself, "we're writing this too broad. this couldn't happen in reality?" >> yeah, there have been times when i'll leave the set and we'll have shot a particular
story line, and i'm think, "man, this is really pushing it." and then i get back to the hotel, and i turn on the news. ( laughter ) and i think actually we're ( bleep ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i forgot. i forgot. i forgot you really-- you really trained in shakespeare. your facility with language is so beautiful. >> i'm not used to being on cbs. i'm used to being on netflix, so i have to make that adjustment. >> stephen: i understand. you were nominated for your third emmy as a lead actor this sunday. good luck. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. thank you. >> stephen: you're up against bob odenkirk-- >> are these your notes? >> stephen: this right here is a list of who you're up against right here. i don't memorize all the emmy categories. just the ones i'm up for. got it.
kyle chandler, bob odenkirk, jon hamm, jeff daniels and liev schreiber. if frank underwood were up for this emmy, would these guys want to have somebody tasting their food for them? >> i don't think they'd be capable of showing up at the emmys if frank underwood were there. >> stephen: besides being a big old netflix star now, for 11 years-- you just finished an 11- year run as artistic director of the old vic in london. congratulations. >> thank you. ( applause ) >> stephen: why did you leave? new vic? >> well -- ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't know. a lot of actors once they get successful, they leave their old vic for a new vic. >> i've gone for the medium vic. no, i made a 10-year commitment so i actually went one year beyond what my commitment was. i have an incredible time, but running a building is a monster. as you well know here.
>> stephen: what do you think of the theater? >> i think it's fantastic. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: the music. that's the building's theme song they were playing just now. >> it's very nice. anyway, the old vic, was an extraordinary experience and the thing i'm happiest about is it's continuing. it's going to go on not just while i was there but after i'm gone. >> stephen: are you happy, also, that you recently got an honorary knighthood? >> i did. >> stephen: congratulations. ( applause ) >> yes, the queen of england made me an honorary knight. and, apparently, you're not supposed to call yourself a sir if you're not actually born in england. but i'm going to break that rule. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i will do it, too, sir kevin. sir kevin.
>> thank you. >> stephen: complete the following phrase for me, "sir lancelot the brave, sir galahad the pure, sir kevin the... >> noble. ( applause ) >> stephen: i like it. i like it. i was going to go for sir kevin the spacey. >> oh, sir kevin the spacey. >> stephen: speaking of which, speaking of which, you do a lot of fine work with the kevin spacey foundation. how close are we to finding a cure for kevin spacey? ( applause ) >> it's-- we're close. and i think if we're able to raise the kind of money we're looking to raise, then in just a few short years, we'll be rid of that ( bleep ). ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: again, oh! the language. so-- it's musical. it's so musical. i would love-- you could make anything beautiful! i would love you to open a phonebook and say ( bleep )
( laughter ) okay, so the kevin spacey foundation helps the young folk, right, with the arts. what do you do with it? >> it started when i realized i was going to be leaving the old vic, and once i left the old vic, i wouldn't have that venue anymore so i started the foundation so i could continue that kind of work and it began for me a long time ago when i was mentored by jack lemmon, one of the great actors of all time. and he had this wonderful philosophy which is if you've done well in the business you wanted to do well, it's your obligation to send the elevator back down. and i always thought that was a great way of saying it. so the actual logo for my foundation is the universal button we pushed to send the elevator up, and we give scholarships and grants and do a lot of workshops and we in a sense use arts and theater to reach out to a lot of kids because theater, as well as sports-- we're doing an event with cal ripken jr., in a couple of weeks, and his foundation, the cal ripken sr. foundation,
uses sports and baseball to reach out to kid and i think it helps kids learn about confidence and how to collaborate and that i think makes for a better society. >> stephen: i love the idea-- that's a wonderful image, that's a great image of jack lemmon's to send the elevator back down to the young people. but they're young. can't they take the stairs? ( laughter ) >> do you know what is funny is that jack lemmon was actually born in an elevator. >> stephen: really? >> in boston. >> stephen: carol burnett used to change in an elevator. >> and i'm constantly sending one down to bring people up. >> stephen: well, thank you for taking the elevator down here to do my show tonight. >> i'm delighted. >> stephen: kevin spacey, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: kevin spacey, everybody, the great kevin spacey. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ♪
serious mistake giving it away for free. but tonight, i want to profile some of the other apps that don't get as much attention in my new segment, "planet of the apps." >> you maniacs! damn you all to hell! >> stephen: first up-- people love "planet of the apps." it's a crowd favorite. first up, an app that takes all the inconvenient thought and feeling out of marriage proposals, the app-tly named "will you marry me?" forget about getting down on one knee. just tell your beloved they're getting a text-- from forever. then it's up to them whether the answer is "yes" or-- i want to say "j-peed on me jime?"
oh, "i need some time!" okay. that makes more sense. ( laughter ) the point is this app will not let your partner say no. instead, if they have any doubts, it asks them to "think it through again, please, i love you. use n.j. hypnosis to achieve goals, free consultation, stop smoking." but come on. since you're the sort of romantic fool who proposes via app, they're definitely going to say yes, triggering the traditional wedding march. she clicked yes! she clicked yes! and by clicking yes, she agreed to all your terms and conditions, including the whole "j-peed on me jime" stuff. ( laughter ) the developer says this app is "good for not, like, speaking geeks or nerds, or for guys who don't like speaking. good for girls, too."
( laughter ) most true! i when not, like, speaking asked home screen love from girl using phone words. now married very! ( laughter ) of course, that's nice, but after you're married a lot of people want to start a family, and that inevitably leads to one question, namely, "what would your pet look like as a baby?" your prayers are finally answered, thanks to "pet baby." just download the free app, take a photo of your pet's face, and it renders a seamless fusion of pet and human baby. let's try it out right now with a picture of our producer's paul's dog, riley. look at that. who's not getting paid to be on camera? you're not. not a dime. let's load this image into pet baby and... ( laughter ) behold! all ye who would lie with beast as you would with woman. this is the abomination of which leviticus warned us.
yes, you can never unsee the unholy amalgamation of pet and baby that is pet baby. ( laughter ) this image will be burned into your retinas until your dying day. so, pretty good value for a free app. well, that's it for this episode of "planet of the apps." join me next time when i review the challenging new game "lock screen." i'll get you next time, four- digit-code! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with john mellencamp and willie nelson. ♪ ♪
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you for wearing your formal braids tonight. >> thank you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: john, always good to see you. nice to have you back. >> thank you. >> stephen: now, you've raised almost $50 million to help family farms over the last 30 years. ( applause ) >> stephen: if i'm a farmer, john, if i'm a farmer, and farm aid helps me, what are they doing for me? >> well, you know, farm aid is always in motion because the farm problem is always in motion. when we started out, you know, we were naive enough to believe we would have this concert and they would pay attention and they would change these laws to help the small family farmer. but, of course, we found out differently. and that-- so, i think the first thing we really did was set up a crisis center. >> stephen: willie, how small are the farms we're talking about here? because i know some of the crops you're interested in. ( laughter ) and-- and they can be grown in a
closet with a grow light. >> true, true. >> stephen: you've got a new product you're launching called willie's reserve. >> you remembered. >> stephen: i remember, i remember. that product is not legal in all states. >> no, but i believe in a while it will be. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you think so? >> yeah. >> stephen: you think so? >> yeah. >> stephen: i want to assure my corporate overlords that their whooping is not my endorsement. how long before willie's reserve gets out there? >> we hope by the end of the year. >> stephen: is there-- does it take a long time to get this product out because everybody working on it is so relaxed? ( laughter ) well, the next concert, the farm aid 30, is september 19 in chicago. who you guys got? >> well, john and i will be there, dave matthews, neil
young. >> well, i have to tell you, we've had-- we've had the greatest artists in america play farm aid. after 30 years, i don't think there's anybody that hasn't played farm aid at least once. >> the good thing about it is all the acts pay their own way there, pay their own expenses, their own hotels or whatever and all the money that comes in goes directly to the farmers who need it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: guys thank you so much for being here, willie, john. farm aid 30, september 19 in chicago, illinois. performance by willie nelson and john mellencamp. stick around. ♪ ♪ baby, i can't wait.
♪ ♪ >> ♪ life is just another scene from the world of broken dreams ♪ i say the night life, it ain't no good life ♪ but it's my life >> ♪ the night life ain't no good life ♪ but it's my life ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whoo! farm aid's 30th anniversary concert is this saturday at the first merit bank pavilion in chicago. go! support the farmers!
go! support the farmers! we'll be right back. homeowners searching for mortgage refinancing. but since their property values fell, they can't find a way, even though they're current on their payments. hey guys, you need some help? >> yes...... >> no, we're ok. time to try a different route called harp. it's helping millions find lower rates and save money. lost? yeah follow me see if you qualify at harp.gov. your best route to a better mortgage.
♪,,, ♪ grow old with me ♪ let us share what we see ♪ just you and i ♪ ♪ grow old with me ♪ let us share what we see ♪ and oh the best it could be ♪ just you and i ♪ reie:♪are you ready, y'all to have some fun and attack a village tonight use your goal points to gain some scores and feel the strength and might