tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 22, 2015 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
the late show with stephen colbert is up next. >> we'll be back bright and early. >> good night. ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing intro music ) >> stephen: whooo! ( cheers and applause ) whooo! whooo! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: thank you, everybody. welcome to "the late show. ( cheers and applause )
hey, hey! thank you so much! please, thank you so much. thank you, everybody. so kind! welcome, welcome to "the late show." if the legends are true, i'm stephen colbert. and right off the bat, i'd like to apologize because the show's been on for almost 30 seconds and i have yet to say the words "donald trump." ( laughter ) that's on me. and what's gotten me worried is that soon i might not have a reason to because he's slumping in the polls. that was a roller coaster ride of emotion by the way. oooh-aaay! listen, i want to be clear about this. yes, he has been divisive. yes, he has been offensive. yes, he would be a terrible president. ( cheers and applause )
but i do want to say this-- don't leave me, donald. don't you understand, if you go away, i'm going to have to talk about those other boring people. i'm going to have to learn their names. i think one of them is marco rubio. am i saying that right? is it marco rubio. or is it mark o'rubio? ( cheers and applause ) and for the record, i was just crossing two cultures. we have a great show for you tonight, faith and begorrah. first up, i'll be talking to john oliver. he's the host of hbo-- ( cheers and applause )
he's the host of "last week tonight" on hbo, so we'll be doing the interview with full frontal nudity. i want you to keep in mind, he is the lead character of that show and very popular so they're probably going to kill him off this season. i'll also be talking to evan spiegel, the world's youngest billionaire and the cofounder of snapchat. now, if some of you don't know what that is, ask your kids. it will be the app they're using when they ignore your question. and i'll be joined by ed sheeran and legendary singer/songwriter bill withers. ( cheers and applause ) ed is going to perform wither's classic "ain't no sunshine." and as someone who grew up in england, ed should have no trouble relating. ♪ ♪ oh, wait. oh. that sound, ladies and
gentlemen, is jon batiste and stay human. say hello! ( applause ) jon and the band are about to kick off the show but before they do one last thing. some hard-liners in iran want their foreign minister to resign after he allegedly shook hands with president obama. what a coincidence, that's how john boehner lost his job. tonight: stephen welcomes john oliver. snapchat co-founder evan spiegel. singer ed sheeran and soul legend bill withers. featuring jon batiste and stay human.
and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert!" ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: wow. that's very nice. thank you, everybody. thank you so much. folks, you know, like my fellow millennials-- ( laughter ) and i believe i am a millennial because i am less than a thousand years old-- i'm a technology geek. i drive a tesla, own an apple watch, i shave with five blades- - first blade lifts, second blade cuts, the other three blades tweet my shaving stats.
got a new high score today. and of course, the lubricating strip makes it all good. and the technology of all kind is driving this year's election. in fact, one of my guests tonight is the c.e.o. of snapchat, evan spiegel. he's been called the steve jobs of self-erasing genital photography-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) yes, thank you for your service, sir. and he's having an impact in 2016. some in the media are already calling this campaign the snapchat election. and it's true-- candidates appear and, before you know it, they're gone. ( cheers and applause ) what! where did you go? and it's not just snapchat. folks, this election is about to get shaken by another technology. see, the democrats have their first debate on october 13. i can't wait to meet the candidates and also whoever
three guys are down here. ( applause ) i don't know who that is. i think that's made up. anyway, and cnn is promising to bring this election in your face by putting it on your face. >> cnn is turning up the technology as we get deeper into the presidential race. next month it will break new ground by live streaming the next primary debate in virtual reality with the help of a virtual reality headset users can actually watch the debates from the perspective of an audience member. >> stephen: whoo-hoo! the perspective of an audience member. your view can go from this to this. ( laughter ) and it's really easy. anyone with a samsung gear v.r. headset can pick their own point of view and, even better, focus on candidates while they are not speaking.
folks, the future we were promised by "johnny mnemonic," "virtuosity" and your childhood viewmaster has finally arrived because i believe-- because we've all dreamt of a fully immersive environment where we could watch lincoln chafee take notes while someone else talks. and this tech puts you in the center of the action. it'll feel like you're seeing hillary clinton right in front of you, but she's not actually there-- just like the real hillary clinton! ( laughter ) ( applause ) and i can't wait-- yeah, yeah. i can't wait to experience a debate like this. and luckily i don't have to because samsung gave me my own pair of v.r. goggles. it is absolutely free. good to be me.
anyway, and i do not have to wait for october 13, because cnn captured the last republican debate with this technology and has made it available for download now. yes, with these bad boys strapped on i can summit everest, fly on a dragon or stand 20 feet away from mike huckabee. that-- that adventure is usually reserved for a duggar. okay, all right. i'm ready to get expansional. it's go time. i'll put this bad boy on. okay, all right. i got this thing. are we fired up here? let me start up the republican debate. wow! wow! look at that ( bleep ). it really feels like i'm sitting and watching something i can see on tv.
there's the back of arnold schwarzenegger's head. it kind of looks like the front of his head. wow, it's kind of weird being here in person. on tv, you know who's important because the camera's pointed at them, and whoever's on screen seems important and all kinds of sexy. but now i can see all the cameras and the lights and the sound guys. this isn't sexy. this is like i'm watching somebody shoot a porno. i'm going to have to start watching these debates with my pants off. but i gotta say, it really works. it really feels like i'm here, like can reach out and actually touch rand paul's hair. oh, it's like stroking a libertarian labradoodle. oh, the debate is starting. the debate's starting. okay. hey, buddy, how long does this thing go? three hours. to hell with that, i'm playing
"candy crush." hold on one second here. what do you mean i can't use my phone here? no, you go to hell jake tapper. you're not even real. i'm out of here. i'm out of here. forget this thing. bartender, i'd like a bourbon and soda, please. thank you very much. i see you've got the debate on the tv over there. ( applause ) ( cheers ) mind if i change that to something more interesting, like the surgery channel? thank you very much. well, hello there, little lady. mind if i have a few of your cheese fries? mmm. mmm. those are delicious. did you see that guy on tv who
was petting rand paul's head? that was me. oh, hello, officer. was this your seat. i'm sorry. oh, is this your cheese fries? and is this your wife. get your hands off me, sir! i will get you more cheese fries. i have to get out of here. luckily my dragon is nearby. regthor the black, come to me, come! regthor, we must head to a dark and treacherous land, iowa. i hear bernie sanders is having a meet and greet. we'll be right back with john oliver and ed sheeran! away! away! ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: folks, i'm an entertainer by trade, and i'm sure to a lot of you out there, i'm just a pretty face, a slab of camera meat. but i like to think that there's more to me than that. that's what i thinky such with my brain bone. you see, i'm a deep person who enjoys toying with problems of the universe. but i'm not in college anymore, so i can't have late night bull
sessions with my buds. instead, i like to contemplate the mysteries of existence with my fellow famous in a segment i call "big questions with even bigger stars!" ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ah! i love lying here on this grassy hillside. so peaceful, isn't it, tom? >> sure is, stephen. ( cheers and applause ) >> look! >> stephen: i saw the shooting star! >> yeah, gosh, yeah. it is such a nice night. >> stephen: yeah, the fireflies
are out. >> the frogs are screaming for sex. >> stephen: hey tom? >> yeah, steve? >> stephen: why do you think bad things happen to good people? >> i don't know. but maybe it's because god's really old and his eyes are going. ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, i can't see who he's smiting. >> true. >> stephen: tom? >> yeah? >> stephen: what would do you with a time machine? >> what would anyone do with a time machine? go back in time and hold myself as a baby. ( applause ) >> stephen: and kill hitler, right? >> oh, kill hitler, yeah, absolutely. >> stephen: or let the baby kill hitler. >> well, that way they can't trace it back to you.
>> stephen: yeah. >> and it gives the baby a good sense of accomplishment. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that would look good on a resume. "job experience: time-traveler. responsibilities: hitler- killing." >> who wouldn't hire that kid. >> stephen: i would. >> i'd hire that kid in a second. internship, maybe. hey, hitler-killing baby, go get me a coffee and wash my car. hey, stephen? >> stephen: yes, tom? >> what really scares you? >> stephen: oh, knowing that every time i move there's a spooky skeleton inside my body doing exactly the same thing, just following my movements everywhere i go. >> oh, geez, hey, that just gave me the heebie-jeebies. >> stephen: yeah. hey, tom? >> yeah, steve. >> stephen: can i ask you a personal question? >> sure, go ahead, buddy. >> stephen: what do you miss the most now that you're a big star? >> i miss licking stamps.
>> stephen: really? you can't lick stamps anymore? >> no, no. for insurance purposes, i can't do my own stunts. hey, steve-a-roo? >> stephen: yeah, tommy-o? >> what do you think santa does during the summer? >> stephen: i think he's santa on the other planets. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> whoa! ( laughter ) wait. you mean like in australia? ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, that's what i mean. hey, tom? >> yeah, esteban? >> stephen: what's the best idea for a movie that's never been made? >> oh, god, the best idea for a movie that hasn't been made yet
is an action thriller about an elite team of secret service dogs that protect the president's dog. ( laughter ) it's called "in the line of fur." ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'd watch that. >> oh, i'd see it in 3d, buddy boy, day one. >> stephen: hey, tom, speaking of which, do you ever worry the big farm upstate where the dogs go when they get old isn't real? >> oh, no, no. it's definitely real. come on. you know, i'm just worried that it's getting crowded because the dogs live forever and they never leave because there's so much fun there. ( laughter ) here, boys! here, boys! here, boys! >> stephen: so many rabbits. so many rabbits. >> yeah, yeah, i bet your dog knows my dog and i bet they're friends. >> stephen: i do, too. >> just like us, huh, bad boy?
>> stephen: yeah. you ever think maybe our solar system is just an atom in some giant's finger? >> will you knock it off, man. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, hey, tom? >> yeah. >> stephen: if you could have lunch with anyone living or dead, who would you choose? >> oh, dead, of course. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: what do you think your 20-year-old self would say to you now? >> "can i borrow some money? i'll pay you back when i'm you." ( applause ). >> stephen: hey, tom? >> yeah? >> stephen: why do you think we're here? >> well, i think it's so you and i can ponder the infinite universe, look at the deep time space continuum, and count in vain the infinite number of stars.
or it's to kill four minutes until john oliver comes out. >> stephen: yeah, you're probably right. we'll be right back with john oliver. >> look, look, look! oh! >> stephen: oh! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ guest: pc does what!? (through the door) pc does amazingly thin designs. pc does what no pc has done before. does yours? take the zantac it challenge! pill works fast? zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. nexium can take 24 hours. when heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than nexium or your money back. take the zantac it challenge.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: pretty nice. huh? >> objectively nice. you have to get yourself one of these. >> sure, it's not easy. >> stephen: hey, come on, man, hbo. congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: we talked about this briefly the few times i've seen you over last couple of years, but you are setting the world afire. >> wow. it's a pretty small blaze if that's true. it would warm a single human hand. >> stephen: yes, well, listen, they say if you can warm one human hand, it's worth it. >> we have the kind of heat that could possibly toast a marshmallow. >> stephen: sounds delicious. as i said you're the host of "last week tonight." it's your second season. how many shows are you in this season? >> i don't know. >> stephen: you don't hash it on the wall like a prisoner?
>> i count how many we've got left. we have seven left, i can tell you that, seven shows left. >> stephen: and how long is the show? >> 30 minutes. >> stephen: it's 30 minutes long. and how often do you do it? >> you're going to get angry by the answer so don't ask questions you don't want the answer to. >> stephen: i know the answer. i want you to say it. how many do you do a week? >> a whole half hour a week. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i got you something. >> think about that. >> stephen: i got you something. ( laughter ) ( applause ) come on, man! >> sure. >> stephen: we love your show. it's a huge endeavor. i know you guys are working your ass off on a daily basis. >> right. >> stephen: but we want more of you. why do we only get 35 of you a year? >> i think less is more. we're like heroin. >> stephen: have you tried heroin? it's hard to stop with just one, my friend. >> every day. >> stephen: no heroin user says, "i've had enough." >> that's right. we are for a disciplined heroin
user half an hour a week of riding the "h" train. >> stephen: here's what i sincerely want to know. you guys have got a great organization, really hilarious, great writers a big laser to point at a subject. how do you make up your mind what to point at because you've got 18 minutes invested in a single subject. you get nine minutes into your performance and go, this, bores me." isn't there a danger only one subject at the beginning of the show? >> it is. if you said what our show actually was to someone who didn't watch it, it would sound terrible. >> stephen: and now 18 minutes on tainted meat. >> exactly. if you said, "do you want to hear 20 minutes on the contracts that chicken farmers have to sign?" people would say, "no, i do not want to hear that. i don't want to read about it and i don't want to hear about it in conversation. >> stephen: how do you make that decision? >> it's whatever is interesting. >> stephen: i show up on sunday and they hand me a script. >> it's a process. we work out what we can do. if the story feels like it
stands up and it feels like we can add something to it, then we'll start. but things fall apart. shows fall apart. we're on the precipice of disaster every week. ( laughter ). >> stephen: yeah, yeah, yeah. the toboggan chaos is what i call it. do you have anything on the destruction of the coral reefs or the new zealand flag debate, or and i ask because these are all fan suggestions from the hbo "last week tonight" web site. do you take those suggestions? >> if that's suggesting the destruction of coral reefs, that is people who want our show to end. that is a trojan horse suggestion. do coral reefs and we never have to deal with you again. >> stephen: because it's just too sad? >> we don't take suggestions from people. >> stephen: really? >> no you. >> stephen: you have a place on your official web site for suggestions. >> i genuinely did not know we had a web site. ( cheers and applause ) i had no idea. >> stephen: what is it?
i'm sure if you google like "last week tonight" john oliver hbo, i'm sure it would take to you something. >> i can't-- i don't have my phone with me. i can't guarantee that's true. ( laughter ). >> stephen: here's something-- you don't interview people on your show. >> no. >> stephen: why don't you do that because you come on these other shows and you get all the interview juice, but you won't spread it around other people. you're part of the problem. you're a block-up in the intestine of talk shows. ( laughter ) you've got to keep-- it's a duodenum, we have to keep squeezing the talk on. >> you have vastly overestimating the vitamin value of my juice. this is-- this ain't-- this is a low-end juice. this has got a lot of sherbet in it. >> stephen: you and i were both correspondents on "the daily show" for a long time and we interviewed people. why don't you want to interview people? >> i interviewed stephen hawking, edward snowden. ( applause )
so, yeah, we occasionally interview people. but we have to care. ( laughter ) yeah. >> stephen: you have to care about people. are there people like-- do you care-- like everybody-- as i said at the top of the show it took me almost 30 seconds to say the name donald trump. do you care about him at all? >> i couldn't give less of a ( bleep ). it's physically impossible. i couldn't-- because it's the 2016 election. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. >> and it's 2015 right now. >> stephen: right, right. >> so i don't care until we're in the same year as the thing i'm supposed to care about. >> stephen: are you a citizen? can you vote? >> no, i can't. taxation without representation. you got all pissy about it when we did it. where's my vote. i'll throw your coffee into the river. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: no tea? that's basically what we did. >> that's the beauty. because we're on half an hour a week we don't have to care about
the election. >> stephen: that's nice. there are people who say all the personalities in the election are not talking about the issues. you talk about important things. what do you think people should be talking about instead in the debates. >> anything that is not election related. >> stephen: really? >> there are plenty of problems in the world that they might want to talk about than themselves. >> stephen: those are sad, though, john, very sad. meanwhile, his hair. >> it's good. >> stephen: it's very good. you know it's made of cotton candy. >> it sure is. >> stephen: do you miss jon stewart as much as i do. >> yes, i miss him hugely. i love that man. >> stephen: did you see trevor, though? >> yeah. >> stephen: i thought trevor crushed. he did a great job. >> he did great. but he's taking on the impossible. you can't replace the irreplaceable. >> stephen: i wouldn't know what that's like. well, john, thank you so much. john oliver from "last week tonight." we'll be right back.
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snapchat! >> stephen: all right. welcome to the show. nice to have you here. >> thank you. >> stephen: people normally i suppose, see you on a tiny little screen. you are my fifth billionaire of the show. i'm collecting them now. how was the cheese tray backstage? was it up to billionaire standards? >> i just stuck to the water. >> stephen: oh, yeah, yeah, you and tom hanks. ( laughter ) so, you are the founder and the c.e.o. of snapchat, which 100 million people use and has recently been valued at $16 billion. and you founded it four years ago. you were offered $3 billion by facebook to buy it, and you said no. if i could get an imax camera out here, could i get a photo of your ( bleep )? ( laughter )
( applause ) why-- why did you say no? how big do you want this thing to be? what-- what's your goal with snapchat? >> oh, man. ( laughter ) if i go back to when bobby and i were sort of talking about this and making this decision, i think we just felt that it was really, really early, and that we had sort of all these things that we wanted to build and products that we wanted to make, and kind of the story wasn't over yet. and i think, you know, we really feel that sort of this underlying concept that you should build social products really for people, and that people change. therefore, your products should change with them. so, for example, every day you're a new person because we've erased your story content which are all your stories and videos. >> stephen: do you really erase my story content? do you really?
i know it goes off of the person's phone, but there's no server some place that have pictures of, let's say, not my junk? ( laughter ) is it really erased? is it really gone forever? >> yeah, really, truly, but you can always take a screenshot of a snap you like or something somebody sends you. >> stephen: so there won't be a button that shows up on snapchat that says, "for $10, we will really erase it this time." >> it will definitely be more than $10. >> stephen: your product does change all the time. this is-- this is a new thing. what is the name of this thing that i'm doing right here before i show it to anyone? >> that is rainbow vomit. >> stephen: okay. this-- the snapchat mapped my face, and there's a name for this little product. can we get a shot of that? there we go. is there a name for this tool? >> that's a lens. >> stephen: this lens right here took a photo of my face, and
then inserted big eyes, pink cheeks, and rainbow vomit. i did it here, but people did it for every candidate in the recent republican debate. jimmy, show them what people are doing. check out these. there is marco rubio. there's rand paul with exploding love eyes. and here's carly fiorina with an evil monocle in her eye. and what interests me-- the reason i really wanted to show those is because 18- to 24-year- olds, more of them were involved or watched the debate or followed the republican debate on snapchat than cnn or on fox news when they were broadcast there. is this the snapchat election? >> it's definitely not the snapchat election. probably the people-- it's definitely the people's election. but the thing that excited us is that we really saw an opportunity to, you know, not
only help politicians reach their constituents, but really to help people learn about politics in a way that goes beyond just knowledge, like reading about it or even just hearing from a singular newscaster. we had this live story product where everyone who is at an event can upload videos as they experience them. >> stephen: the people who were actually attending the debate. >> you have to be there. >> stephen: run into one of the candidates on the the street or something like that? >> you have to be at the event to contribute to the story. so no hashtags required. so during the event you can watch on snapchat as it unfolds from all the different spectators' points of view. >> stephen: you know, i can do that with a virtual reality helmet on cnn. ( laughter ). >> actually-- no it's interesting you say that because virtual reality is different because it puts you in one place and you can view 360 degrees around it. for us it's about capturing as many different perspectives as possible. it's almost as if you're 100 different people in the audience. and that for us -- >> stephen: and all 100 of those different people in the audience can all see from their
perspective the idiot with the goggles on in the middle of the room. >> yeah. >> stephen: we actually had you on the old show right after this thing started four years ago, right? what-- what were you doing? like what was the job you had before you were a billionaire? >> well, i had an allowance from my parents. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how many billions of dollars was it? ( laughter ) >> yeah, no, we were living in my dad's house. and making-- making -- >> stephen: snapchat? >> yeah. >> stephen: so, so, billionaire is your internship. ( laughter ) where do you go from here? well, evan, thank you so much for being here. snapchat-- stay right there, sir. ( applause ) ♪ ♪ snapchat c.e.o. evan spiegel, everybody. we'll be right back.
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bill, thanks so much. ed, thanks for being here. good to see you. well, bill, you're a legend. do you like-- do you mind me calling you a legend? >> no. go right ahead. >> stephen: you don't mind at all. that's okay? >> it's cool. >> stephen: your songs include "ain't no sunshine," "just the two of us" "use me" and "lean on me." you were just inducted into the hall of fame as i said. ed, you're a super star, you sold out your world tour, "thinking out loud" went five times platinum and you are performing at carnegie hall "lean on him" a tribute to bill withers, with dr. john, aloe black and others. what does-- what does bill's music mean to you? >> there's just certain kinds of artists that-- nowadays when you hear new music, you get excited about hearing new music, but
there are certain kinds of artists you just don't remember the first time you heard them. it was just embedded in your childhood, and bill was one of these artists where i can't remember the first time i heard it but i grew up with it and it's just always been there. >> stephen: that's the nicest possible way of saying, "you're really old." >> i was going to say that. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: but i agree, i'm way older than you are, and it's the same thing for me. your songs have always been-- well, not only, like, deeply beautiful soulful music, but anthemic. "lean on me" is one of the beautiful songs written in the 20th century. you have been retired since the mid-80s. what do you do with yourself, old mr. legend? just go around and go, "i'm a legend." >> i amuse myself in different ways. i watch-- i like judge shows because i like-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: you like judge shows? >> i like conclusions. >> stephen: really? conclusions. someone making a decision about something.
>> yeah, and i like curmudgeons. and judge judy is one of my favorites because she's you know, she'll let you have it. you know. >> stephen: yeah. >> and it's fun because once you get past 70, you know, you start to go-- "oh, get out of the way." you know what i mean? "shut up." >> stephen: what makes you mad? you're a curmudgeon, too, it seems-- no offense. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: what makes you mad, bill? we'll get to you, ed. ( laughter ). >> i don't let it fester long enough to make me mad. if you catch it early, when it immediately starts to get on your nerves and you say, "shut up. get out of my room." you know what i mean. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you don't have to get mad because mad is not an immediate thing. >> stephen: you don't have to get mad? you just say, "shut up. get out of my room." >> yeah. >> stephen: that's not you mad? that's not you mad? >> no, that's when you stop it at annoy.
>> stephen: this is very important. i want to talk about this. this-- this concert you guys are doing is going to benefit say, stuttering association for the young. you guys have something in common. you both stuttered when you were younger. ed, you stuttered? >> i still kind of stutter now. if i get under pressure it comes back. but, yeah, i had-- yeah. i had a birth mark on my eye, and they had to get lasered off because there was something wrong with it, and they forgot to put the anesthetic on it. >> oh! >> i know. >> stephen: that's what made you stutter? >> yeah. i was a very odd child. i had big, big, blue national health glasses, ginger hair, a stutter. i hadn't got an eardrum on one side so i never went swimming. >> stephen: you don't have an eardrum in one ear? i don't have an eardrum in this year, either. i'm not water proof. >> my way of looking at it is the reason i became a musician is god looked down and said, "you probably need some help
getting laid." ( cheers and applause ) >> hey, i-- now that's what you call going from ginger to a ginger snap. >> stephen: we'll be right back with ed sheeran performing a bill withers classic. stick around. ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ pc does what!? ♪ pc does 360° rotations. pc does what no pc has done before. does yours?
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