tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 30, 2015 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
>> stephen: yeah! good evening, good evening my friends. good evening, all of you. welcome. welcome. welcome! welcome to the "late show." welcome to the "late show." i'm the late stephen colbert. ( laughter ) it's our last show before halloween, so i dressed for the occasion. i am, obviously, a sexy teenage vampire. ( cheers and applause )
and i'm still a teenager because, as you can see, vampires never age. and one thing i learned as a vampire, if you're going to wear teeth like this, you should definitely do it in rehearsal as well. ( laughter ) because-- yes. yes! oh, yes! because unless i concentrate very hard, i sound like a vampire from barthalona. please, please, sit down. please, please. yeah, yeah. look at the beautiful architecture here in barcelona. let me suck your blood. you are staying in my hostel. also, also, vampires don't wear
glasses. and i do. i get to show the smokey eye shadow here, this is very nice. of course, i'm a vampire because i've been a vampire every year since i was in first grade, and because i believe it is an obligation on halloween to dress up as something scary. sexy construction worker? that's not scary. it's also not very safe. a lot of workplace injuries are caused by sexiness. don't get me wrong. a construction hat, half-shirt, and short shorts is a great look. but when you're arc-welding an i-beam 40 stories up, spark hits your thigh, you try to brush it off, you drop a hammer fifteen stories, and it takes someone out, then you've got to rush that person to the sexy nurse at the sexy hospital. and before you know it, you've got a sexy lawsuit on your hands. moral of the story: vampires don't pay worker's comp. of course, while halloween is a christian festival, it has its roots in samhain, an ancient
celtic pagan festival where the living and the dead overlap, much like denny's. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) this will make the show go much faster fijust do that. a-ha! there you are! anyway, we've got a great show tonight. i'll be talking to the host of "cbs this morning," charlie rose. ( cheers and applause ). >> jon: charlie rose. >> stephen: charlie rose. he is celebrating his 1,000th broadcast of "cbs this morning." now, i haven't seen all of them, so don't tell me how it ends. my theory is: norah and gayle are real, but charlie's been a ghost the whole time. ( laughter ) i'll also be talking to author -- this is really a hard name to say with these teeth in stacy schiff. ( cheers and applause )
this is a disaster. >> jon: get it out! >> stephen: this is a disaster waiting to happen. she's a pulitzer prize-winning historian-- ( laughter ) who has written the story of the salem witch trials of 1692, the salem witch trials, of course, some are now saying was just an early attempt to lower hillary's poll numbers. and finally, we'll have a performance by the band ghost. ( cheers and applause ) they're a swedish heavy metal band, so they're going to plug in, crank up and assemble an ikea bookshelf! ( cheers and applause ) oh, yeah! don't be scared y'all. that's just the sound of jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. ( cheers and applause )
i could have done that. i could have been the king of pop. jon i see-- i see you've got some extra humans with you tonight. who do we have here? >> jon: not exactly humans. we have the legendary zombies. >> stephen: the zombies, everybody! ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: well, they are about to kick things off, but first, today, president obama announced he'll be sending u.s. special forces to fight in syria. now he just has to decide who we're fighting. >> tonight, stephen welcomes, charlie rose. author stacy schiff. and a musical performance by ghost.
featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome to the show, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you very much, everybody. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody, thanks so much. if you have seen the show before-- i'm sure a lot of you have seen the show before. then you this is a comedy show.
and we have fun here and we laugh and ha-ha, and that's good. but i take the show very seriously. i'll show you how serious. hold on. it is my responsibility to safeguard my viewers-- especially around the holidays, which can be so dangerous. so, tonight, i'm issuing a special halloween warning to residents of peoria, arizona. please, be on the lookout for this. >> today's storm causing problems of a different kind in peoria. >> the strong winds creating a dangerous situation, launching a giant inflatable pumpkin right into traffic. the pumpkin rolling over cars, smash spog and bending a street light, pedestrians running for cover. >> stephen: yes, a marauding, orange monster is on the loose-- and, for once, it's not donald trump.
( cheers and applause ) god, i just-- i just pray his head doesn't blow loose. here's what happened. evidently, high winds snapped its mooring lines, and it careened for more than a quarter mile before getting stuck on a swing set and partially deflating. and per halloween tradition, it will be left there until mid-january. ( laughter ) so the good news is, so this promotional novelty inflatable crisis is over, but stay vigilant because at any minute the tube men could rise up and flail us to death with their noodly arms. or worse, summer-fun king kong could crush us after he crushes the competition's prices on lease-to-own mazdas. and that's not the only halloween danger out there. for instance, everyone loves trick-or-treating, but it turns out there's a downside to
sending your kids out so they can take candy from strangers. everyone has heard of the scary stories of people who give out candy with razor blades hidden in them. that's almost as bad as people who give out apples. that's why every year, parents, you've got to make sure to inspect your kids' candy, dump it lay it all out, and loo throt anything that looks suspicious. for example, any package that's open or anything that's a bit-o-honey. "i'm sorry, was my son dressed as a trash can? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) that is the only excuse you could have for giving him one of those things! why not just give him hard tack and still water? is this a treat or punishment in the british navy?" and once you've made sure it's all safe, you can then return the candy to the kids-- minus,
of course, a small inspection daddy's got to get his beak wet and his butter fingered. here's the thing-- the rest of the media won't tell you those razor blade stories are all urban legends. there has never been one documented case. for one thing, razor blades are way too expensive. you might as well fill peanut butter cups with printer cartridges. so everyone can just relax and enjoy their candy-- is something i wish i could i say because now there are reports out of reynoldsburg, ohio, that the fun size may be over. >> a preteen returned home from trick-or-treating and was exchanging candy with friends when the child bit into one of those bite-sized snickers bars, and there was a razor wedged in the middle of that piece of candy. now, we're told that that razor is the size of a disposable razor. >> stephen: a disposable razor ( laughter ) so not only will it cut your mouth, but the lubricating strip
tastes terrible. ( laughter ) but don't worry, nobody was hurt and the reynoldsburg p.d. is on the case. in fact, the rest of the kid's candy was taken to the franklin county morgue to be examined, yes, the morgue where i'm sorry to say that at 11:44 p.m., mr. goode bar was pronounced dead. ( applause ) he is survived by the widow goodbar and their baby, ruth. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, i have to say, i have some doubts as to whether or not this actually happened. this could be like one of those times when someone claims there was a mouse in their taco bell. and they're making that up... 75% of the time. up until now, no one has ever put razor blades in candy on halloween, and they still haven't because this didn't happen on halloween.
they got the razor blade snickers when they went trick-or-treating on thursday night. that's not halloween candy. that's october 29th candy! what's your problem reynoldsburg, ohio? thursday? really? why? halloween falls on a saturday this year. the only people who have to trick-or-treat on thursday are orthodox jews trying to get their candy before shabbos. ( cheers and applause ) that's it. and, remember, kids, if you're keeping kosher, don't mix your milk duds with your meat dudz. why can't you wait until october 31st? let me guess-- that's when you celebrate fourth of july? look, here's the thing: do i want to see kids get razor blades in their candy? on a thursday, yeah. ( laughter ) sorry. matter of fact, on the thursday
before halloween, all my candy has razor blades in it. i put the razor blades in there to keep me from eating the candy before the holiday. then, on halloween, i take the razor blades out. see you tomorrow night, kids. so, everyone, stay safe out there, but remember: trick-or-treat on halloween only. you don't want to end up like this guy. that's not makeup. he went trick-or-treating on a thursday. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪
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you know, just because it's halloween and i'm dressed like this doesn't mean we can't talk about serious issues. in fact, i am finally ready to unveil my plan for jerusalem to once and for all become a peacefully shared home for three of the world's great religions. all it will take is a sincere admission of wrongdoing by those who-- ( doorbell sounds ) oh, sounds like we got some trick-or-treaters! okay, all right, here we go. >> trick or treat! >> stephen: oh, come on in! don't you guys look great. and hoare you, young man? >> arrrgh! i'm a pirate! >> i'm a princess. it's a gender-role imposed on me by my parents. >> stephen: and a very pretty one. where was i? where was i? right, the crisis in the middle
east, as i was saying, clearly, the side truly at fault here-- ( doorbell sounds ) more trick-or-treaters! this is exciting! >> trick or treat! >> stephen: come in! i department see you. what a terrific costume. >> i made it myself with milk cartons, pipe cleaners and $60,000. can i have some candy. >> stephen: hold on. aren't you kind of big to be trick-or-treating? >> i had a growth spurt. >> stephen: who are you supposed to be. >> the master chief. >> stephen: oh, from "halo"! >> from "halo 5: guardians." have a copy kids. >> yay! >> stephen: you can't come on my show and do product placement for "halo 5: guardians," now exclusively from microsoft xbox 1. >> you're right, i'm sorry.
>> stephen: here, have some candy. >> stephen: it might be easier without the helmet there, buddy. >> go idea. >> new england patriots tight end and spokesman for "halo 5", rob gronkowski! ( cheers and applause ) gronk! wow! wow! gronk! congratulations on absolutely spanking the dolphins last night. ( cheers and applause ) and i certainly hope i can say, "spank the dolphin" on cbs. you're in the middle of yet another record-setting season for the patriots. ( cheers and applause ) >> except week six against dallas. only four catches for 67 yards? what was that? ( laughter ) >> good one! >> get off my back, betty ballerina!
>> stephen: gronk, please, don't yell at the children. gronk, what are you doing here? >> i just love halloween, stephen. it's a great way to have fun, meet people in the neighborhood, and tell them about gawr! >> stephen: you mean the next evolution of "halo combat," gronk. >> here, kids, have another copy. >> stephen: remember, those are rated "t" for teens. how old are you ballerina? >> 13. ( laughter ) >> stephen: >> stephen: okay, you're on your honor. well, thanks for stopping by, gronk. happy halloween. >> thanks, stephen. >> stephen: we'll be right back with charlie rose. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ it's the time of the season when love runs high. ♪ in this time give it to me easy ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest is the host of his own show on pbs, a correspondent for "60 minutes," and coanchor of "cbs this morning," which my first guest is the host of his own show on pbs, a celebrated its 1,000th episode today. please welcome charlie rose! ( cheers and applause )
♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( band playing ) >> so, i -- >> you almost didn't make it to 1,supper 01. you're wearing shoes lady gaga wouldn't get into. >> i now know what gayle and norah go through every morning. >> stephen: charlie, you look fantastic. you look fantastic. >> you think, guys? ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: have you-- have you had any work done? >> a little here and there. a little tuck here, a little tuck there. >> stephen: excellent. you have a question. >> i have a question, yes-- would walter cronkite do this on halloween? >> stephen: i think he actually reported nixon's resignation in a peter pan costume. >> i didn't know that. >> stephen: he did. you should know you're a four-time emmy and peabody award
winning, executive anchor of charlie rose, which has been on pbs since 1993. no globally on bloomberg television. you're a contributing correspondent to "60 minutes," and coanchor with gayle king of "cbs this morning" since 2012, and you just received the walter cronkite award from the cronkite school of journalism at arizona state university. >> thank you so much. >> stephen: congratulations. ( applause ). >> lots of people, lots of people are responsible for that, not just me. but it was a great honor. >> stephen: did you ever meet walter cronkite? >> i did, i interviewed walter cronkite. >> stephen: you interviewed everybody. >> almost. >> stephen: i'm just starting interviewing people as myself, not as a character. and absolutely seriously, what's the best advice you can give somebody about having to get people to open up for you? >> engage, listen, and follow up. >> stephen: i think-- i didn't catch all of that. ( laughter ) what do you mean engage? what do you mean, engage, just be interested in them? >> yeah. you want them to know that you
care that you're there and they there. >> stephen: charlie, i care that you're here. >> that makes me feel a lot better. he cares so much i'm inviting him to do my show in costume. i have to ask you a question-- boxer or brief? >> stephen: i free-ball it, charlie. ( cheers and applause ) i'll tell you what, i'll come-- i'll come dressed as someone with dignity. that's the best costume they have. >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, 1,000th show as of this morning. >> "cbs this morning." >> stephen: "cbs this morning." people have said, like, "wow, it's a surprise success." is that a compliment or an insult? it's like saying, "wow, you really look great." >> it's a recognition that cbs had tried many, many times, including walter cronkite. >> stephen: he did a morning show? >> he did, he did. mike wallace did a morning show. so cbs has a long tradition of doing morning shows and lots of people said, you know, are they ever going to get it right?"
and we got it right. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. we-- because, because we care. the news and so we say the news is back in the the morning. >> stephen: it's the newsiest of the morning shows. >> it is. >> stephen: this morning it's announced president obama they're going to put special forces into syria. >> indeed. >> stephen: you've underviewed bashar al-assad. >> i have. >> stephen: do you think he'll ever be pushed out of office or is he someone we're just going to have to live with in syria? >> certainly not in the capacity he is now. i think he will be transitionout, is the word they use over there. the russianed have come in to prop him up, and i suspect what they're doing is getting him into a position where they can bargain. they're scared if he goes-- the russians are and other people are-- who's going to follow him? and that's the big question, so everybody concerned wants to make sure it's not isis or some other group like that. so that's what they're fighting about. >> stephen: russia is very invested in syria.
they have military base there and putin has invited him to russia. you also invited putin, when he was in the united states, you sat down with him. what's your impression of the guy? >> he's very interested. he's engaged. he's like an athlete on his feet, like this. my impression is that he's smart. he is either tactical or strategic, and he wants to make russia relevant. and he did it in ukraine. he's doing it in syria. and we'll see what happens. the u.s. is responding because of isis, primarily. but what we're hoping happens now, i think what the president hopes, is that somehow by putting these special forces there to advise those forces that are on the ground, syrian forces and others, that they will make some gain in restraining isis. >> stephen: but the russians are going to have forces there, too, and they're flying over there, and we're flying over there. this seems like-- it's not that far-- where they're bombing is not that far away from the biblical town of mogidu, where
armageddon is supposed to take place. >> it's what everybody worries about this will turn into a wider war, a war in which people-- everybody has a surrogate fight, for them. that's the great fear. >> stephen: how many on pbs? >> i'm entering my 25th year. ( applause ) thank you. >> stephen: and you also-- you also are a correspondent for "60 minutes." >> "60 minutes." >> stephen: you're the ryan seacrest of news. you do everything. why don't-- why do you want to do so much at once? are you-- do you shrivel when there's no camera around. >> no! no! i do it because of my curiosity and i get to sit down with a range of interesting and diverse people who are fascinating. >> stephen: after 25 years, you don't, like, zone out in the middle of talking to somebody. >> no! >> stephen: and go, "what is this person saying to me?" >> do you? >> stephen: no. >> i certainly hope not right now. >> stephen: it's charlie, right. >> and some call me frankie.
>> stephen: frankie rose? really? >> because of my halloween hero. >> stephen: oh, of course. i apologize. ( laughter ) i don't know why-- after a while, i have to say, after a while i don't see it anymore. i just think that's what charlie rose looks like. i thought maybe you meant sinatra. i thought you meant sinatra. charlie thank you so much for being here. >> it's an honor to be here. it really is. congratulations. i love the fact that you are taking time in this marvelous hour to do serious interviews, and it shows me that people really care when there are interesting people to see them engaged -- >> i am interested in my guests. have you seen any of my interviews? have you liked anything? >> who could not have looked at joeed bien and say wow? >> stephen: that was an honor. that was an honor. mr. biden brought that, yeah. ( applause ). >> i'll make a deal with you, though. >> stephen: you're going to make a deal with me? >> right now. i'll help you on interviews. >> stephen: okay. >> if you'll help me on being funny. ( laughter ). >> stephen: all right, i'll
come come to your show, and you and gayle and norah and i we can do pratfalls. >> we can do that. >> stephen: all right. >> you know what i'll do? >> stephen: what. >> i've been known to dive into a bunch of balls, too, on a certain show. >> stephen: then i'm going to wear some boxers. thank you so much. ladies and gentlemen, charlie rose! ( cheers and applause ) the great. we'll be right back.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back to our special all hollows eve edition of the "late show." i'm dressed like this because tomorrow is halloween-- unless this is a rerun, in which case i look like a real jackass. ( laughter ) halloween has so many fun traditions: tricking or treating, bobbing for apples, mailing your november rent check. but i especially love carving the jack-o'-lantern. it combines my two favorite things: knives and faces. so tonight, we here at the "late show" want to share a few of our own pumpkin carving tips. jim?
>> pumpkin carving is a treasured fall tradition. let's make your next fall party jack-o-mazing. if your pumpkin is having a good time, so will your guests. so give him a big, pumpkiny grin. don't forget the eyes! they're the window to the soul. ( laughter ) why should the outside of the pumpkin have all the fun? as you carve this one, make eye contact with one of your guests and say, "i think this is your head, and i'm doing this to you." just because you're smaller than the rest of the gang, doesn't mean that you can't get in on the fun. or maybe it does. like people, some pumpkins are born failures. ( laughter ) get the party started with a new way to serve your famous halloween punch. but you're not done yet. this punch bowl needs a spigot.
and if you're in a hurry, no problem. just skip the pumpkin. here's one for the ladies. it's 2015. halloween's not just for boy pumpkins anymore. now you've got a jill-o-lantern. don't forget to light the special lady candle. it's perfect, just like you are. who's hungry for dessert. this is an easy treat to make, but good luck having left overs. mmm! that's farm fresh. who wants whipped cream? ( laughter ) here's a fun new take on an old favorite. stop letting society tell you what a pumpkin is. it's as good as gourd. have a fabulous fall and see you in november when it's time to hollow out that jack-o-turkey. >> stephen: we'll be right back.
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and the babysitter make-out of 2014. gross. but now with nest cam, these guys can check in 24/7. so they can see all the crazy things i see. hey, ya little thief! did he have thumbs?! okay, now i've seen it all. nest. welcome to the magic of home. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody.
my next guest is a pulitzer prize-winning author. her book is called "the witches: salem, 1692." please welcome stacy schiff! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: i would like to have seen charlie rose in that, i'll tell you. >> well, there was a little discussion backstage, but i won. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: you received a fellow ship from the guggenheim foundation and the national encouple for the humanities. you have written books on cleopatra and benjamin frankli franklin-- frankly-- and your new book is called "the witches: salem, 1692". this is about the famous witch trials in salem. >> indeed. >> stephen: it's halloween tomorrow. are our halloween witches in any way related? do they owe anything to the
salem witch trial witches, our american idea of witches? >> i hate to disappoint but a witch in the 17th century was much more a diabolical accomplice than a witch today. she was a real entity and did the devil's bidding. >> stephen: that's the witch's due. i'm not talking about, harry potter witches. i'm talking spooky witches with a pointy hat and buckle. >> she didn't have a pointy hat but could transform herself into animals, like a cat, for example, a black cat or a turtle or weasel. she was very creative. >> stephen: so how did it come about? in scene 92 there was a rash of accusations. how did it start? >> it starts with two little girls who begin to convulse and shriek and fall into trances which were symptoms which were understood to be diabolical doings, and either possession of witchcraft and in this case they're determined to be witchcraft and it spread. >> stephen: how did it spread? did the girls say somebody did
this to me. >> when you say to someone,"europe bewitched" they always seem to be able to name a witch. so they begin to point fingers. >> stephen: so the girls who were having the convulsions were accused of being possessed. >> they are accused of being bewitched, and, therefore, there must be a witch somewhere loose in the community. >> stephen: and they had i think it's this person. >> they name three names. it's interesting we don't know if they named the names or their parents perhaps suggested the names and three women are denounced as witch s. >> stephen: what did they do. >> they, alas, go to court and are unable to defend themselves. they are accused of-- they don't fare so well. >> stephen: did they burn? >> they hang the witches in massachusetts. >> stephen: they hanged them? that's much nicer than burning. >> that's far more polite. >> stephen: it's a happier ending than i thought. >> it's much more sin mat glik how many people do you think ended up being killed. >> 20 proomably innocent people died -- >> presumably people died.
we don't know. we don't want to prejudge. they could have been witches. that's very open minded of you. >> don't you think. >> stephen: only women? >> no, 14 women, five men, and two dogs. and one man is pressed to death under stones. that's why we get 19 people hangd and one person is pressed to death. >> stephen: pressed to death under stones? that was an early form of a panini. that's where they get the name. his name was roberto panini. >> i always wondered where the name came from and now we know. >> stephen: two dogs are killed for witchcraft. >> two dogs were presumed to be bewitched. >> stephen: was there any way-- obviously, the dogs had a little trouble defending themselves. but was-- was there any way to defend yourself? what was the best way? let's say if i got accused, what week the best way to get out of it? >> well, there are two really good ways. one is to accuse someone else quickly. ( laughter )
>> stephen: yeah, it was bill! >> exactly. it was really very little way out. and the other way was to-- and only if you were well off could do you this-- escape to a saner place like new york. >> stephen: so people would actually flee the massachusetts colony-- >> there were fugitives who were actually able to escape prison and who were able to come to new york where there was not an issue. >> stephen: how long did this go on? >> to answer your question, no, there was very little way out once accused. it happened with extraordinary feed. it began in early january, late february, and it was over in the fall so nine months in all. >> stephen: really. the whole thing-- back in salem they used to burn witches it was only a nine-month period. >> where they were burned but really hanged was only nine months altogether. >> stephen: how were you tested? what was the trial like? what did they do to find out? was there a way to test somebody if they were a witch? >> there were all kinds of tests and some of them were very simple, a witch, for example, was thought not to be able to cry. >> stephen: witches couldn't cry.
>> except from i think three tears in your left eye you could perhaps do. >> stephen: people still have those tats sometimes. >> a witch couldn't recite the lord's prayer properly. and people when in court because they're under such duress and in front of these imposing authorities stumble over the lord's prayer-- further proof you were a witch. marks on your bodies could indicate you were a witch. and testimony of your neighbors which was astonishingly easy to elicit could prove you were a witch. >witch. >> stephen: you mentioned pigs and weasels and mice and that sort of thing. >> a lot of new england problems are caused by marawding livestock, yes. >> stephen: good fences make good neighbors, i guess. >> roger frost plays a major role in this story. there's a lot of trespass, physical trespass and trespass of properties in the story. >> stephen: wow. forgive us our trespasses.
i'm clearly not a witch. ( laughter ) well, the book is "the witches: salem, 1692". stacy schiff, everybody. thank you so much for being here. >> thank you so much, stephen. >> stephen: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ padvil pm gives you the healingu at nsleep you need, it. helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. i struggle with bipolar depression, and it's hard. ♪
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>> stephen: that's it for the "late show." tune in monday when my guests will be allison janney, colin quinn and margaret cho. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready all to have some fun and eat some eggs tonight don't you worry about the splashes you use just rely on yourselves ♪ it's "the late late show"