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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  January 15, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PST

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tomorrow morning at 4-30. >> late show with stephen colbert is next. next newscast tomorrow morning. have a great weekend. stay dry! >> stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing "late show" theme ) >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you, thank you! thank you, everybody! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. that puts a pep in your step. that's pleasant. ( cheers and applause )
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thank you so much. thank you, so much. i gotta say, i gotta say, i don't know what it is, i don't know what it is, but all of you-- i'm not sure what it is. all of you are very attractive to me right now. ( laughter ) welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. thank you all for being with me in here and out there. i would not want to be alone right now. i'm a little rattled tonight because i'm sure you heard the news. jimmy. >> bananas in danger of extinction, believe it or not, a deadly new strain of the fungus known as panama disease. threatening the world's banana supplies. >> stephen: yes, bananas-- ( laughter ) will soon be no more because of
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something called panama disease, which can be devastating, especially in hat form. it affects millions of white, middle-aged men on vacation who think to themselves "i look good. i will totally wear it when i get back home." oh, i know what you're saying, "that's never going to happen." well, bananageddon has happened once before. a hundred years ago, every banana that we ate was a different species called the gros michel-- french for fat mike-- that were completely wiped out by panama disease. that's right, the banana we have now, the cavendish, is a replacement banana. our banana is a second banana! ( laughter ) i want you to think. this, folks. if we lose bananas, we lose so much more than just my favorite grocery item that you have to wait two days to eat. ( laughter ) without bananas, no one will laugh at that knock-knock joke that ends with "orange you glad i didn't say banana?" ( laughter )
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instead they'll cry and say "no, i wish you had said banana. because i miss them." what are high school health teachers going to put condoms on? ( cheers and applause ) y cucumbers? that's just wrong. and, someone, please, tell me, for the love of god, when i cry "come mr. tally man," what is mr. tally man gonna tally me now, if not me banana? i mean, seriously, daylight come and me wan' go home. thankfully, we've got a ripe and delicious show for you tonight. first, we're going to have our first installment of "friday night fights." you're gonna love it. you're gonna want to have-. ( cheers and applause ) boom, boom you're going to want to have your phone out to do some voting, out there, not here in
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the audience, of course. take out your phone and you will be tased. then i will talk with astronaut scott kelly, live from the international space station. scott, good man. i love astronauts. he is spending one full year orbiting the earth at almost five miles a second. i'll ask him how he's planning to use his 150 million frequent flier miles. then i will talk with women's world cup soccer champion, abby wambach. ( cheers and applause ) and if the interview gets too tough, i'll just fall to the ground and flop around like i'm injured. and we'll have a performance by comedian maria bamford. ( cheers and applause ) i'll join that one. i'll join that one. i'm all in. she is known for dealing with issues like depression and anxiety, so...
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she's a comedian. ( band playing ) oh, do your ear-mouths taste that sweet music fruit? i hope it's not a banana. and it's not. it's jon batiste and stay human. say hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) yes, indeed! they're about to kick things off, but before they do, one more thing: a federal appeals court ruled that a man was allowed to wear military medals that he did not earn. though it sounds like he did earn the rank of four-star d-bag. >> tonight, stephen welcomes astronaut scott kelly. soccer star abby wambach. and comedian maria bamford.
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featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, everybody. thank you, jon. thank you, humans. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. last night, there was yet another republican debate, and everyone's talking about the battle between texas senator ted cruz and official trump-brand trump, donald trump. these fellas used to have a very good relationship, but that is very over now. >> it is official. the bromance between republican presidential candidates donald trump and senator ted cruz is over.
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>> the bromance is over. >> the bromance is absolutely over. >> stephen: yes, they had a sort of romance between bros-- a bromance, if you will. but now it seems they're going through a bromance breakup-- a breakup, if you will. ( laughter ) they have been on the rocks since trump pointed out that cruz, who was born in alberta, might really be a canadian. then cruz pointed out that trump was born in new york and might really be an a-hole. and cruz, cruz-- trump was insulted-- cruz has refused to apologize, which i say proves he's not canadian. now, i thought they both did well, but a lot of tv people say that cruz won for a simple reason. >> cruz held his own last night and he's a master debater. >> cruz is a master debater. let's just be honest. >> he, of course, is a master debater. this is something he's done for many, many years.
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>> stephen: yes, yes, for many, many years. ted cruz, clearly, a master debater. ( cheers and applause ) in fact. ( cheers and applause ) in fact, at princeton, he was famous for spending hours master-debating furiously. ( laughter ) and last night, he showed his master-debatory skills to all of america. now, last night these two guys fought with words. but who do you think would win if they fought with hammers? it's time for a twitter instant poll. go to my twitter feed, @stephenathome, to decide who leave the ring with most of his skull intact? in fact, while we're on it i kind of fell in love with these twitter polls over the holidays. my family and i came up with a bunch of matchups, and i tweeted them out with the hashtag
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#christmasbattle. and we got hundreds of thousands of votes on classic head-to-heads like "nuke the size of an ant versus ant the size of a nuke." "harry potter's wormtail versus lord of the rings' wormtongue." or "kylo ren versus j. alfred prufrock." kylo won that one in a land slide. prufrock is merely an insecure, overdramatic cry baby, while kylo ren is an insecure, overdramatic cry baby... with a lightsaber. ( laughter ) it was a lot of fun, and i thought, why not do this on the show? so i am. right now. this is "friday night fights"! ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "friday night fights." two nouns enter! one noun leaves! and the fights are decided via twitter poll, so it's like the election, but young people actually vote. let's get ready to arguuuue!
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( cheers and applause ) you got the cards? you got the cards? come on out here. this is my old friend and producer paul dinello, everybody. have a seat, paul. say hi, everybody. paul is going to join me for "friday night fights." >> you feeling good. >> feeling good. >> stephen: you were the best man in my wedding, right? >> yes. >> stephen: and who was the best man at your wedding? >> my brother. ( laughter ) you were in the running. >> stephen: how many brothers do you have, paul? >> one. >> stephen: another so i was two out of two. how many brackets i do have? >> seven. ( laughter ) and i chose you. okay, that's our first match-up. who loves the other one more, paul or stephen? go vote now, who loves the other one more, paul or stephen? paul, you ready to play "friday
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night fights"? >> let's do it! this next matchup is a classic that i tweeted over the holidays but haven't weighed in on yet, "marvel supervillain thanos versus immortal super-elf santa claus." let's go to the tale of the tape. we will start with thanose. weighing at 6'7', 985 pounds, the greatest of all titanian eternals has a left-hand reach of anywhere in the universe and any point in history, thanks to his techno-mystical transportation chair. weaknesses: overconfidence, pretty dumb outfit. marital status: single. a formidable fighter, but don't count out his opponent: santa claus. according to the bible, santa tips the scales at 5'7", 310 pounds, full of jelly, can travel fast enough to visit every good boy or girl in a single night. his powerful allies include an
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army of elf slaves; sentient, flying deer; and the coca-cola corporation. weaknesses: type ii diabetes, and tim allen's roof. okay, paul. santa versus thanos. i think thanose walks away with this immediately. he used the infinite gauntlet. he can reshape time and space. what say you? >> you are living in a fantasy world. >> stephen: yes, i am. i am living in a fantasy world and thanose rules it. >> i don't think so. you never doubt santa. you don't go all the way around the world in one night unless you know how to crack the whip. >> stephen: but santa, santa is-- santa he's a jolly old elf. he's not a mindless cig machine like thanose is. >> you don't know how many elves he has killed in his workshops. nobody has kept an eye on that upon man. he could be a mad man the other 364 days of the year. besides, santa always gets it done, never meased up one christmas. >> stephen: except the first one. >> how's that. >> stephen: what's a baby
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going to do myrrh. >> we'll have to see what happens when votes hit the twitter. viewers, cast your votes at my twitter page, @stephenathome, who would win in a fight, santa or thanose. ready to move on to the next match-up. >> let's do it. >> stephen: a classical hypothetical brawl we've all debated before, let's start with the king. lebron weighs in at 6'8", 250, with two championships, four league m.v.p. awards, and now, the ability to summon a giant hammer made of green energy. he's the ultimate all-around player. he can run the point, dominate the post, and again, translate his willpower into a massive emerald fist. weaknesses: even with power limited only by his imagination, lebron still hasn't gotten it done for cleveland. and now let's go to the truth,
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baby, the truth hurts. let's go to jordan and his magic lamp. weighing in at 6'6", 215 pounds, jordan is the greatest of all time. six championships, a legendary competitive streak, and an ancient lamp he unearthed in the lost temple of osiris. he endorses hanes, nike, mcdonald's, gatorade, lockheed martin, spanx, hellman's mustard, and the boston-to-d.c. fung wah bus route. also is the only person in the world allowed to get away with a hitler mustache. ( laughter ) that might have been one of his wishes. his one weakness: baseball. all right, let's talk this one through, paul. you're a chicago boy. you're going to go with m.j., i'm guessing here. >> of course, i am. he's a great player. your boy has one ring. my boy has six rings. >> stephen: but my boy's rings can actually translate his will and his courage into a machine gun that shoots bullet of pure energy to kill michael jordan when he goes up for the dunk. >> one wish, ring go away.
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>> stephen: he's not going to have one wish left, paul. michael's going to use the first wish this way. you know he's a fierce competitor. give me that on michael. he'll use the first wish to wish for more wishes. that doesn't work, he loses a wish. the second wish, he wishes to be able to hit a fastball. second wish goes away. and the third wish he's going to use to try to get princess jasmine to fall in love with him. we know m.j. has a weakness for the ladies. this will be lebron all the way. >> you are sadly mistaken. jordan doesn't need wishes. if your mind is weak, that renders the ring useless and nothing makes your mind weaker than having to face jordan in the paint. >> stephen: so-- >> that's the idea of having to fight michael jordan will weaken your mind! >> stephen: i thought you were going to say nothing makes your mind weaker than strog live in cleveland. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's a great city! he almost said it, not me! it's his fault. the poll is now live on twitter. go to @stephenathome and let your thumb voice be heard.
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vote on the question who would win in the fight. you decide. we'll announce the results next week on. >> ify! we'll be right back with scott kelly from outer space. james drove his rav4 hybrid, unaware death was lurking. what? he was challenged by a team of lumberjacks. let's do this. he would drive them to hard knocks canyon, where he would risk broken legs, losing limbs, and slipping and dying. not helping. but death would have to wait. james left with newfound knowledge, a man's gratitude, and his shirt. how far will you take the all-new rav4 hybrid?
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: my first guest is an astronaut who has lived longer in space than any other american. joining us from the international space station, please welcome astronaut scott kelly. ( cheers and applause ) hey, scott, good to see you. >> good to be on your show. i really appreciate the time you're taking to talk to us about the space program. >> stephen: space is still the most exciting thing i can imagine and talking to someone in orbit still is-- it's like i'm an astronaut right now. so thank you for giving us the thrill to be talking with you. now, this is hardly your first
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mission to the international space station. you were on the '99 mission that fixed the hubble telescope, a second mission in 2007 that added new equipment to the station, and on your third mission in 2010, you spent 159 days in space. how long are you up this time? >> this time it's going to be close to a year, not-- not exactly a year. we launched on march 28, and we're going to land on march 2. so it's-- i haven't done the math. i'm trying not to keep track of the days, but it's about 340, i think. >> stephen: you've been in space longer than any other nasa astronaut, all right. everybody is sucking your dust, or whatever you have in space. i guess it's not dust. ( laughter ) you're meteorites. >> well, i-- that is true that i have spent the most time in space for now. but there will be people that will beat me, i'm sure, in the future. so these records are made to be broken. >> stephen: did you have the foresight to enroll in a frequent flier club before you went up there, because i
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understand you've traveled 148 million miles. that's got to be an upgrade to the sky club. >> yeah, that would be nice, wouldn't it? we don't get paid and extra to do this, but if we could get the miles, especially that many, that would be-- that would be pretty awesome, but unfortunately not. >> stephen: how do you know when it's time to go to sleep? because your day is shorter than most people's days. how long does it take you to go all the way around the earth? >> it takes us 90 minutes, so 16 times a day, so, you know, we just use a watch to tell the time and when it's around 10:30 at night, time to go to bed. ( laughter ). >> stephen: that was less impressive than i hoped it would be. i thought there would be some highly technical way you do this. no, that's just it, you look at your watch? i have one of those, scott. >> yeah, sometimes, you know, simple things like this work pretty well up here. >> stephen: why are you spending so much time in space? what is it on the planet you're
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trying to escape? ( laughter ). >> well, there's-- there's a lot of things down there that, you know, when you see what's going on you think you might like to escape. but we're up to here to learn more about living in space for a really long time so we can go to mars some day, and the space station is a great place to learn that. it's a world-class laboratory, and we need to take advantage of it while we have it. >> stephen: what do you miss most about being on earth, other than not having to wear a seat belt to go to the bathroom? ( laughter ). >> well, there are-- you know, there are a lot of things we miss. you know, human contact, people, your friends, your family. and, also, going outside is very important. you know, even though we'll do a spacewalk occasionally, it's not the same thing as, you know, walking outside and having fresh air and the sun on your face and, you know, feeling nature and the freedom in a lot of cases to just do what you want. >> stephen: now, i understand that one of the reasons you're up there is because you're an
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identical twin. your brother, mark, is back here on aircraft, and he's also part of the experiment. what is the goal of the experiment other than to give you bragging rights over your brother? ( laughter ) which is a valid, valid reason to spend a year in space. >> yeah, i guess i'll have some-- some bragging rights when i get back, having spent so much time up here. and i might-- i might actually take advantage of that a little bit. after i was assigned to this flight, you know, some of the researchers at nasa started talking about, you know, the fact that we are identical twins, and nasa has a lot of history and data on my brother. so it was a great opportunity to look at the effects of this environment on the human body on a genetic level. >> stephen: which of you two is the evil twin? ( laughter ). >> yeah, well, that would certainly have to be my brother. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what are some of the big effects you're expecting to see when you compare mark to
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you, something like-- is bone density one of the things you'll be checking? at this point, after a year in space, who has greater bone density, you or a sparrow? >> yeah, our bones turn to dust while we're up here. they would 99 over time, if you lived here forever, you wouldn't-- you wouldn't need your bones, really, to hold your-- you know, your meat. ( laughter ). >> stephen: your meat? your meat, scott? ( laughter ) >> yeah, you'd probably-- you'd probably-- you know, if you lived here forever, you'd have no reason to have much of a skeleton, so-- but like i said, we do things to prevent that from happening. and, you know, i'm sure my brother will have a little bit more-- more bone mass when i get back, but hopefully i'll be better in other ways. ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, do you get a chance to exercise up there? have you been on to my treadmill, the colbert, the combined operational
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load-bearing external resistance treadmill? >> we have. i was on it today, and it's a great piece of equipment. you should be very proud for providing that to nasa. >> stephen: you're welcome, scott. ( applause ) you're welcome. i put a lot of thought into that. is there any psychological impact up there? i mean, do you-- is there-- i guess what i'm trying to say is how often do you experience spaaaace maaadness? >> i think nasa does a good job of picking folks to do this kind of thing. although i feel like i've been up here a long time i don't feel like i'm close at all to space madness. >> stephen: who else is up there with you? how many countries? >> so right now there are six of us on board, three russian cosmonauts, another american astronaut, and the first british astronaut from-- official british astronaut, actually
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working for the government, from the united kingdom, tim peake. >> stephen: does the british astronaut drive the space station on the other side of orbit? >> yeah, i guess there are things that i've recognized that he does a little bit differently. >> stephen: how do you blow off steam? are you allowed to have, maybe, a little cocktail at the end of the day or share a beer with your compatriots? >> that would be nice, but, unfortunately, that's against the rules. >> stephen: are you telling me the russians did not bring any vodka? ( laughter ). >> as far as i know, there is no vodka on the space station. >> stephen: you've become a celebrity on the internet because your instagram account showing daily pictures from space now have over 600,000 followers, and your photos have been shared countless times. you're something of the kim kardashian of the international space station. who knows what you could balance
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on your ass at this point? ( laughter ). >> okay. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that was answered with great discretion, scott. i salute you. scott, thank you so much for talking with us. good luck in space. watch out for the space madness, and we hope we can see you again when you get back to earth in march. >> my pleasure, stephen. and thanks for letting me join your show today. >> stephen: oh, it's our honor. scott kelly from space, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back-- oh! and he nails it it!
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denny's. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is one of the best soccer players of all time and is described by no less than president obama, as "a badass." please welcome abby wambach. ( cheers and applause ) >> how's it going. >> stephen: let's see if i can even get, even get all of your achievements out here. two-time olympic fold medalist. six-time u.s. soccer athlete of the year. 2012 fifa world player of the year. one of the 100 most influential people according to "time" magazine in 2015. that's a lot of responsibility. >> yeah. >> stephen: world record for all humans male or female most international goals scored, 184, and the fifa world cup champ.
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( cheers and applause ) pretty damn good. >> yeah. >> stephen: pretty damn good. >> thank you. it's been a long time. >> stephen: well, that's all we have time for. thank you so much for stopping by. >> i thought, actually, the whole crowd is completely asleep. it's boring, it's boring. >> stephen: what are you talking about? america-- were you surprised how excited the world, but especially america got at watching the u.s. team win at the world cup? it was-- it was an amaze ago i was glued to it. >> i mean, it was amazing because the world cup was in canada but it did feel like we were almost playing a home world cup because we had so many fans crossing the border to come watch us. the stadiums were full. it was really, really something and to see what happened back here, the popularity of not just our sport for women but, you know, i think that the men, also, get something positive from us winning a world cup. >> stephen: yeah, they didn't win, you guys up with. >> that helps, that helps. >> stephen: you got a little bit more. >> i like to say we do well in
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that department, and they can do a little bit better at times. ( laughter ) >> stephen: but they come in second. they come in second some of the games. >> in some of the games they come in second. ( laughter ) i want them to win, though. >> stephen: i want them to win, too. were you surprised at all, because the viewership in america of your championship, all the games leading up to it, too, broke all ciens of records. >> it was the most-watched soccer game in the history of soccer, both men and female. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you also-- you had a couple of exciting things. you got your photo with the president. >> di. kind of. >> stephen: you took this photo, took that photo. >> the not selfie selfie. >> stephen: you took the photo? >> i did. >> stephen: and where are you in the photo? >> i'm right here. ( laughter ) the problem is they're like don't ask the president for any pictures. they're very strict. >> stephen: he's a busy guy. >> as he was walking all the
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stage he was like, "hey, guys, i'm sure everybody in the room will want to take a picture with all of us." he kind of through us under the business bus. and we said, mpresident, what about you taking a picture of us?" and i was swearing a suit so i actually had a phone in my breast pocket. and already that's what we're going to do. so i either had to cut my head off or the people's heads in the back off. >> stephen: you're so committed to soccer it looks like you decided to do a header right there, come in at the last minute. >> yeah. >> stephen: so you're retired now, right? >> yes, thankfully. it's been a long, long, long career. >> stephen: how many years did you play? >> for 30. >> stephen: 30 years. >> yeah, 30. >> stephen: wow, incredible. >> my legs are tired. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: they're done? now that you're retired can you, like, indulge yourself in, like, not-- how much did you practice back in the day? >> quite a bit, right. so it ranged anywhere from three hours a day to, like, sometimes
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six to eight, depending on if it was a double day or a triple day. and we had a really great strength and conditioning coach that kinds of kept me in shape. but it was-- it's just hard, the older you get, you know, all of us old people know that it's hard to stay in shape. you know. ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, i can still do high kicks as much as i want to. ( cheers and applause ) speaking of high kicks, speaking of high kicks, now that you've retired, do you still have a competitive spirit? >> big time. i'm never going to lose that. that's definitely-- probably my blessing and a curse. >> stephen: okay, i wouldn't mind doing a kick-off with you. >> really? >> stephen: yeah. ( cheers and applause ) your buddies at nike sent us over some so, balls. >> sweet. >> stephen: and i thought we could see who could kick the most in the goal. >> i think that you might win. i haven't touched a ball in, like, four weeks, since i retired. ( laughter )
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>> stephen: let's see what happens. how about that? >> okay, let's do it. >> stephen: come on. all right! ( cheers and applause ) all right. it's 10 balls. 30 seconds on the clock. and if i want to, i get to use my hands. ( laughter ) okay, ready? oh, you're taking your shoes off. that's a pro move. all right, ready? on-- ready to do it? on three. >> three, two, one. ( horn blows ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: whoa! >> no! aarrggh! >> stephen: oh! ( cheers and applause ) >> i need my cleats!
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( buzzer ) >> stephen: abby wambach, abby wambach, the champion. we'll be right back with maria bamford. huh. introducing centrum vitamints. a brand new multivitamin you enjoy like a mint. with a full spectrum of essential nutrients... surprisingly smooth, refreshingly cool.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a comedian and actor who has appeared on "arrested development," "louie," and in her own concert specials. please welcome, maria bamford. ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, you guys, it's 2016, and i really need to find a way to show people how much i love them despite all my words and actions. ( laughter ) my beloved husband has noticed that i like to tear open packages of food, take caps off beverages, and leave it out and around. and he said very kindly, very sweetly, "why hyyyy?" and i said, "because i'm a
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raccoon. i need to get in there, get what's good, be on my way." "oh, but what if it goes bad? what if you get sick?" "were you not listening when i just mentioned that i'm a raccoon? i can digest ceiling tile. i just need to fill this up, get back to the river with my friends." "did you just bring an old salad to bed?" "it's night time. i'm weak." ( laughter ) we recently married, only nine months, so we've been having a lot of sex, a lot of fudging and wudging and lotions and potions and jams and jellies and saucess and mustardards and custards cud hustle, bustle, hustle bustle. hammer, anvil, hammer anvil! nothing's been consummated but
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we've been doing some furious hand holding and our palms are raw with desire. ( laughter ) i-- i-- i love people so much. i love you so much. i love my family so much. i love my niece and nephews. i say that i love them but is that what i say when once a year i fedex them a box of wigs? does that really make up for the fact that i never make eye contact and i'm still not clear on their names? "hey, tiny, where are the bigger ones?" i have a dear friend who i know has a flip phone and yet i continue to send her emojis of egg plant and basket balls and pieces of pizzas knowing that all she sees are squares! ( applause ) this year, my friend amy is always trying to get me to do stuff. i'm going to try to say yes. "do you want to go horseback riding?" "what is it?" "you go on a dusty trail with two less who used to be a do you
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mean and now they run a small business together, and horses bite." okay, i'll go once and i'll need a dairy queen peanut butter parfait, hot fudge peanuts ice cream, hot fudge peanuts ice cream, cherry topper. "do you want to go swing dancing ?" "are people still doing that?" "the war is over. there's plenty of pantyhose for everyone. it's on sundays from 2:00 to 4:00 just when you don't want to do anything and it's side, side, backstep, side, side." "i'll go for three years, but that's it." do you want to go to a fitness boot camp? it's every day at 6:00 a.m. because they're getting you into shape and you run and you run and you run and there's no game element to distract you from the fact that you're running and running and running. "here's what i'm gonna do. i'm going to go for five days. day five, tanya, i i know it's
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going tanya is going to say 'come on, maria! i want to see you push it'. and i am never going to go again." ( applause ) "but will you forget to cancel that automatic debit coming from your checking account and pay for it for the next europe and a half?" ", of course, i will. i love you so much." thank you so much! thanks a lot! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! we'll be right back with more maria bamford. please, sit down. please, sit down. some flavors are so good, you get hungry just thinking about 'em. and at red lobster's big festival of flavors you can savor 2 of 7 new and classic creations on one plate for $15.99. like delicious new maple-and-bacon grilled shrimp,
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. i'm here with maria bamford. pla real estate thank you so
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much for being here. >> thank you for having me on program. >> stephen: oh, my gosh, thank you. i hope i don't embarrass you when i say you are my favorite comedian on planet earth. ( cheers and applause ) i heard you years and years ago with with mark merin on the old air america radio and i thought who is this person with these extraordinary voices, this deeply troubled person with extraordinary voices? >> listen, stephen, a lot of people don't think i'm this confident woman inside. i have those voices because this one is so much less than what i had hoped for. ( laughter ). >> stephen: is this-- is this the voice the voice you grew up with my? >> my sister has this voice. my sister is a physician. she has this voice. think how hard it is for her. >> stephen: and you have trouble doing impressions of your sister i understand because she sounds so much like you. >> yes, so i just bite my nails. my sister has become a life coach in addition -- >> this is you growing up in minnesota. look at that! look how happy you are.
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>> that's a home perm! ( laughter ) i gave that to myself. >> stephen: and this is your mom and your dad. you coimpression of them all the time. how is your family? i love when you talk about your family? >> they're very good. they're very positive. my mom is like she's high all the time "oh, dear we're in turkey and the hotel is on fire and the imam is telling us to leave but we just wrapped ourselves in a canadian flag and we're going to go shopping. i mean, some of the shops are open." she's having a great time. >> stephen: not every hotel has an imam. you have to have a really good one to get an imam in your hotel. >> they are ridiculous. they will travel anywhere, under drurs circumstances it turns out. >> stephen: do you get home to munso thea? >> i can ghome every three to four months. >> stephen: you have to go home to soak up power, you have to go back there to stay in touch with what made you what you are? >> well, they're lots of fun.
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they're pretee they're funny people. like, even during dark times. depression runs in my family and my mom, sometimes she can't find me in the house and she'll say-- call my sister and say, "maria's disappeared. i'm worried she killed herself, but i have a hair appointment in town." ( laughter ). >> stephen: so she handles it pretty well. she handles it pretty well. >> exactly. >> stephen: you have been very open about mental illness, your anxieties and your depression about that. >> yes. >> stephen: you've got a great album called "unwanted thought indrome." >> yes. >> stephen: have you had any unwanted thoughts lately that you care to share with us or do you have to go to a professional before you share with us? >> it is a type of o.c.d., which i didn't realize. if you have unwanted violent or sexual thoughts, for example, if you're concerned about-- let's just say chopping up your parents into chunks and bits and having sex with the chunks and
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bits and putting the chunks and bits on a cob salad and feeding it to a family member. you might want to talk to somebody. ( laughter ) it's not-- it's not-- it's-- there's a difference between that and psychosis. psychosis is when you actually are going to do those things have, a plan. >> stephen: yes. ( laughter ). >> but if if you are afraid of doing it and you're just gripping your fists at odd intervals or humming a song to keep yourself from being gay, that kind of thing. ( laughter ). >> stephen: is there a song? is there a song you can sing to keep you from being gay? not everybody would want to sing it. some people would want to be gay. is there a song? >> ♪ if i keep my ice creams trays filled. ♪ no one will die as long as i clench my fists at odd intervals. ♪ the darkness won't force me to do anything inappropriately violent or sexual or violent or sexual at dinner parties. ♪ as long as i keep singing a
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song, i won't turn gay. ♪ hmmmm-hmmm. ♪ god can't get you if you're singing a song, yeah ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's a message of hope. maria bamford, you have just made my week fantastic for being here. thank you so much for being here. give it up, everybody, for maria bamford. she appears at the marines' memorial theatre in san francisco on january 21 and 22 as part of san francisco sketchfest. we'll be right back.,,,,,,,,,,,,
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late show!" tune in monday when my guests will be patricia heaton. quincy jones. black lives matter activist, deray mckesson. and a musical performance by grace. now stick around for james corden. good night, everybody. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> reggie: ♪ are you ready, y'all ♪ to have some fun and feel the love tonight ♪ if you've got something that you've got ♪ it's about to happen tonight ♪ it's "the late late show."


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