Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 10, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PST

11:35 pm
for you. >> coal miner's daughter? >> no. the attorney general. see you in the morning. >> have a good night! >> announcer: stephen colbert, everybody! ♪ (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey! welcome to the "late show." (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, everybody! that's nice! why not? (cheers and applause)
11:36 pm
you feel it? you feel it? (cheers and applause) thank you so much! please! welcome to "the late show"! welcome to "the late show," everybody! i'm your host stephen colbert. how is everybody doing? everybody feeling all right tonight? (cheers and applause) i am feeling fine, because on tuesday, this happened with helen mirren. ♪ (applause) that's right! that is dame helen mirren, so technically, that makes me a knight. (cheers and applause) then just yesterday with the great sally field, this happened. ♪ (applause)
11:37 pm
so it has been an eventful week for my face. feeling pretty good about myself. these were both great made-for-tv moments, and when i got home, made-for-awkward silence moments. actually, my wife is cool with it. we talked it over and agreed she is free to make out with gentleman actor of a certain age. i suggested ian mckellan and she suggested paul rudd. he's 70. my wife told me he's 70. and i just want to state, on record, that both those kisses were great but did not mean anything, which is why i am not hurt that neither of those women called the next day. (laughter) i mean, i don't even know if they've called because i have not checked my phone since i came out here. nope.
11:38 pm
nothing. while i don't wait for those calls, we have got a great show for you tonight. (cheers and applause) you know her from "into the woods" and the "pitch perfect" movies, anna kendrick is here! (cheers and applause) then i will be talking to the attorney general of the united states, loretta lynch! (cheers and applause) and we'll have a musical performance by brian fallon! (cheers and applause) ( band playing ) oh, that's the sound of jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. (cheers and applause) ♪ they are about to get us started, but, before they do,
11:39 pm
one more thing: starbucks is urging all of its baristas to register to vote. so get ready for a lot of write-in ballots for "blurmie sandals." ♪ >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes actress anna kendrick! attorney general loretta lynch! and a musical performance by brian fallon! ♪ featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! ♪ and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) ♪
11:40 pm
>> stephen: whoo! (cheers and applause) >> jon: how are you doing? >> stephen: doing all right. thank you very much! thanks! thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. i'm super excited to do the to shore tonight. how are you doing, meredith? >> i'm good. super crowd. >> stephen: super nice crowd. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: what did you think of those ladies kissing me this week? did you think that was appropriate? >> i thought helen mirren's was very tender. >> stephen: it was. it started off tender then got very, very hot halfway through. >> it felt like we shouldn't be
11:41 pm
seeing it, like it was personal. and sally field went for it. >> stephen: sally field definitely went for it. i'm not going to say "tongue" because there is no way you can prove it. (laughter) >> yeah. well, i mean, if the reverse happened -- >> stephen: if i went on, if a man went on. >> like an actor of a certain age went on -- >> stephen: like a 70-year-old man -- >> yeah, went on and kissed one to have the many late night talk show hosts, i don't know how that would have gone over. >> stephen: i think all ofo the female talk show shows would have been mad about it. i think that's why they all walked off the job. yeah. (laughter) but one of the nice things about having these shows is occasionally you get a little action like that. pretty nice. you know, one of the great things about hosting a talk show is that there's just so darn much to talk about. sometimes too much.
11:42 pm
how do you choose? i don't know. my solution is not to choose at all and let technology take control. this is... >> audience: wheel! of! news! ♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: oh! people love the wheel! as you know, we've installed a giant spinning wheel on the dome of the ed sullivan theater with topics like "sports," "entertainment" and "china" -- which isn't a category, it's where we had the wheel made. (laughter) then i'm going to spin the wheel and wherever it lands, that's the story i talk about. brendan! say hi to brendan, everybody! (cheers and applause) brendan. brendan is our leaver. brendan, get down and hold the
11:43 pm
lever for us. brendan. when you were in college, did you think this was what you would be doing with your career? >> no. i was hoping. >> stephen: let that be a lesson. study hard. okay. get in there. come on. in the pit. all right. (cheering) we have the technology for that but we have not come up with lever technology. down here. ready, brendan? >> ready. >> stephen: here we go! spin it! (cheers and applause) "religion!" protests have broken out in naples, italy, because the people there are afraid the vatican wants to seize control of jewels belonging to the city's patron, saint gennaro. including, "silver busts," "heavily jeweled necklaces and earrings," "a golden mitre" and a "ceremonial headdress studded
11:44 pm
with diamonds, rubies and emeralds." so i want to take a second here and address the vatican directly. guys-- and i feel comfortable saying guys because this is the vatican. i say this out of love -- you have too many jewels. i have been to the vatican. it is like liberace meets "hoarders." you shouldn't be adding any more treasure. you should be making three piles in the pope's driveway -- keep throw out, donate. but not to the church! that won't help. and be honest, when was the last time you even sat in the chair of saint peter? you just use it to hang your vestments. all right, let her rip. "clip without context!" clip me, jimmy! >> not going to happen! not going to happen!
11:45 pm
>> stephen: no, it's not. let's spin. "a recent study!" in a recent study, researchers are having drug addicts strap on virtual reality headsets to see if they're more likely to resist heroin in different simulated environments, one "where the drug is snorted and one where it is injected." that has got real world application because you know how junkies are always like "wait a second, you're offering me heroin in a different way than i'm used to? i'm out of here! but first, i'll take all that heroin." spin! (cheers and applause) and the wheel of news lands on... "news!"
11:46 pm
last night was the eighth democratic debate, in florida. at this point, bernie and hillary really seem like just another old couple traveling the country, arguing about money. ( as sanders ) "excuse me, i'm talking." excuse my. ( as hillary ) "why is the car making that noise? i told you, you should have bailed out the auto industry!" ( as sanders ) "zip zip. in denmark, we would be riding bikes!" but there were a few stand out moments, like when secretary clinton dropped this shocking confession. >> look, i have said before and it won't surprise anyone to hear me say it. this is not easy for me. i am not a natural politician, in case you haven't noticed, like my husband or president obama. >> stephen: that's right. hillary clinton is not a natural politician, unlike her opponent, that smooth operator, "slick bernie sando." (laughter) that guy, that's a slick piece of work, man! we'll be right back with anna kendrick!
11:47 pm
(cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪pepsi cola
11:48 pm
padvil pm gives you the healingu at nsleep you need, it. helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno.
11:49 pm
11:50 pm
♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back.
11:51 pm
my first guest tonight is an oscar-nominated actress who has appeared in "up in the air," "into the woods" and the "pitch perfect" movies. please welcome anna kendrick. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to have you here. >> i'm so happy to be here. >> stephen: i'm a big fan. thank you so much. i'm glad i got to come on the show. i don't have anything to promote, like i'm not here to pivot the movie. it's funny you should ask me where i grew up. like about the movie. it has nothing to do with that. i have no agenda. >> stephen: i have no agenda. i'm here to enjoy anna kendrick. >> nice person. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. (laughter) yo>> stephen: i learned through an intermediary you are also a big fan of lord of the rings
11:52 pm
>> i am. lord of the rings was my gateway in high school -- >> stephen: your gateway drug? yes >> stephen: kids, not even once. not even once. >> yeah, my best friend and i didn't know much about it until we started watching the movies and before long we were doing annual marathons of the three extended editions >> stephen: i heard you have parties >> yeah >> stephen: i've never been invited to one of your parties. >> it's very exclusive, just me and my best friend. lots of other people want to come, but we thought we should keep it really exclusive. >> stephen: do you have a character in lord of the rings that you identify with or you would like to be? >> my best friend and i would like to be frodo and sam but we're actually the lazy hungry ones so we're partnershi pip any >> stephen: which is which? they're distinct >> i'm pippen >> stephen: pippen doesn't do anything >> he has the song
11:53 pm
>> stephen: oh, yeah. you are the singer >> we decided this before the third movie came out and then the third movie came out and i was, like, this is my moment and it wasn't me, it was billy, but for me it was my moment >> stephen: sam is the real hero of the movies >> yeah. but we're not really heros >> stephen: people like us have to settle >> okay >> stephen: i'll settle for erogorn >> oh >> stephen: you do have a beautiful voice. everybody knows you from the "pitch perfect" movies. "pitch perfect" is the most successful musical of all time >> i know. it's crazy. (cheers and applause) if we're going to be pedantic about it, if you're a theater nerd, it's not technically a musical because the characters know they're singing and the music doesn't move the story forward. okay. >> stephen: that's a very interesting distinction because if the characters know they're
11:54 pm
singing -- >> then they're just characters who are singing. but a musical is one which the music is integrated into the plot. >> stephen: okay. but also i don't know why i'm talking anybody out of it. >> stephen: i like that distinction. >> yeah. >> stephen: huh... the movie is a lot about friendship. do you think women or girls approach friendship in a different way than guys do because you guys seem to work at it harder than we do. >> i don't, but i think women do. >> stephen: really in you get together with your friends and watch movies for 13 hours at a time. >> she's my best friend and i see her once a year. my brother's in the audience tonight and when people ask if we're close, i say, yeah, we talk twice a year. >> stephen: that's very guy. a guy's, like, he's my best friend. when did you see him? two and a half years ago. we'll get together sometime next year. >> yeah. >> stephen: yeah.
11:55 pm
igning probably women are like that. i'm going to try to be more like that. work at it. >> stephen: please don't. effort, woo... >> stephen: you started on broadway when you were 12 years old. >> yeah. >> stephen: what is it like to be on stage on broadway at 12 years old? and you were living in maine, not new york. >> i'm from maine, but i was living in yonkers -- (cheering) yes! love it! rowdy! >> stephen: those people, they just won a hundred dollars for saying that. (laughter) >> so i lived in new york with my dad when i was doing the show for about six months, and i was amazing. it was, like, hard work and, you know, they treated you like a professional. no one gave you a break because you were a kid. but everyone was so wonderful and warm to me. i think it fostered my love for it. >> stephen: one of the other things you and i have a little bit in common is we both, me
11:56 pm
briefly and you significantly, worked with stephen pe sonheim. >> yes. before i made it into the woods, i felt like we had a relationship. i did an independent film when i was 16 where he had a cameo and i sang one of his songs in the filmum and they showed him that foot an and he said she has really nice teeth, which isn't specifically what you want to hear from him, buy take that to the bank. >> stephen: you do have lovely teeth. >> thank you. then when i was 17 i did a musical at new york city opera. the first day, i was younger and less experienced than the rest of the cast and i felt like first day at a new school. then stephen sondheim walked in and said, hello, anna, nice to see you again. i got the feeling like you would get i imagine in high school if
11:57 pm
just just came in and gave you "hear girl" vibes. >> stephen: those are the vibes sondheim gives off, hey, girl... >> but that was, like, one of the two moments in my life i was, like, the cool girl. >> stephen: i did a musical with him, one of his musicals, the company, and the first time i had to sing my song with the philharmonic, and the only time i got to practice with the philharmonic, right before i opened my mouth he walked in and sat down on the front row. the word crap your pants are thrown around so casually... >> it should be reserved for moments like that. >> stephen: one of the most terrifying things i ever did was open my mouth and sing in front of that guy. he looked at me and said, hey, girl... (laughter) can we sing something?
11:58 pm
>> i'd love it! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i was in glee club in high school. >> yeah, i was in two choirs. >> stephen: yeah, i was in glee club, you were on broadway in high school, okay? my girlfriend was playing annie oakley and i played frank butler from miniature gun. give me a note for falling in love is wonderful. ♪ they say falling in love is wonderful ♪ ♪ it's wonderful... so they say ♪ ♪ and with a moon up above, it's wonderful ♪ ♪ it's wonderful, so they tell me ♪ ♪ i can't recall who said it ♪ i know i never read it ♪ i only know they tell me that love is grand ♪
11:59 pm
♪ and the thing that's known as romance is wonderful ♪ ♪ wonderful ♪ in every way, i should say (cheers and applause) >> stephen: will you stick around? we'll be right back with more anna kendrick! stick around! ♪ (cheers and applause)
12:00 am
12:01 am
tired of working for peanuts? well what if i told you that peanuts can work for you? that's right. i'm talking full time delivery of 7 grams of protein and 6 essential nutrients. ever see a peanut take a day off? i don't think so. harness the hardworking power of the peanut. ♪ ♪ ♪ [engine revving] magnetic. by design. ♪ try a flaky filet-o-fish madeon mcdonald's mcpick 2 menu with sustainably sourced fish, a big mac made with 100% beef,
12:02 am
chicken mcnuggets made with white meat, or a quarter pounder with cheese seared on the grill. pick any 2 for $5 bucks. ♪ lemme get a mcpick 2
12:03 am
♪ (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! we're back with anna kendrick. anna kendrick is here. something you and i have in common is, you and i both love an org called donors choose.
12:04 am
donors choose.org. help me if i get anything wrong, it's a web site teachers all over the united states from public schools in all 50 states can put projects online that they want to do whether art projects or things they want to teach, like you want to teach ""to kill a mockingbird"" but you don't have 20 copies, they put that project online on the web site and you as donor can choose to go to that classroom in that state, donate just for that project and 100% of your money goes to that and hear back from the kids. >> and you can choose based on what's important to you. >> stephen: right, exactly. and we have the founder of donors choose here right now, charles best, everybody! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hearings charles. thanks so much. one thing that's going on all day is -- >> best school day.
12:05 am
>> stephen: check your twitter, #best school day. you and i did something together, one to have the best days for me last spring when with your help i and other donors helped kids in california. today celebrities and athletes and business leaders are doing the same thing in 47 states bringing together $14 million, 11,000 projects are being funded, and it is the best day! okay? anna, you did one today. that was your project? >> we got to cover the whole state of maine. >> stephen: every project in main! (cheers and applause) and with us tonight, i am honored we have some other best school day donors.
12:06 am
lest bring them out, from "community" and cbs's "the odd couple," yvette nicole brown! yvette! (cheers and applause) what is your best school day? >> i funded all the classroom projects in my hometown of cleveland, ohio, with an anonymous donor. >> stephen: we also have best-selling author tim ferriss! tim, what's your best school days. >> i funded every project on long island, new hampshire and sacramento. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: we are being joined by twitter founders biz stone, jack dorsey and ed williams. gentlemen, what are your best school days? >> boston, massachusetts and richmond, california. >> the entire state of missouri. and my wife and i funded all the projects in my home state of nebraska and the city of san francisco. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: joining us now the acting -- go ahead -- acting
12:07 am
u.s. secretary of education john b. king, jr.! sloop john b, what's your best school day? >> i represent anonymous donation for teacher flojts 50 high needs accounts in the states of alaska, ohio, new mexico and kentucky. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: our friend the founder of craigslist, craig newmark. craig, what's your project? >> i funded the entire state of new jersey and also the whole city of detroit. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: now please welcome c.e.o. and hip-hop mogul russell simmons! russell, what's your best school day? >> i have been involved with donors choose 15 years and today i'm funding my hometown of hollis, queens. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: wide receiver from the san francisco 49ers, torrey smith! torrey, what's your best school
12:08 am
day? >> my wife and i are funding every school in east baltimore! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: finally the starting center for the houston rockets, dwight howard! dwight, what's your best school day? (cheers and applause) >> i am funding all the students and teachers from pre-k to second grade in houston, texas. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: all together, the best school day has funded over 11,000 projects, provided 14 million donors, helping 1 million children. that's what we call it, everybody, the best school day! let's get the class photo taken right here! remember, these are all great people. we're all so happy you're here, but the real heros are the teachers in the schools.
12:09 am
if you want to give kids in your area the best school day, head to www.donorschoose.org. make your donation. make your choice. let's take the photo. one, two, three! (cheers and applause) we'll be right back, with attorney general loretta lynch. (cheers and applause) thank you, everybody! ♪ (cheers and applause) moderate to severe crohn's disease is tough, but i've managed. except that managing my symptoms was all i was doing. and when i finally told my doctor, he said humira is for adults like me who have tried other medications but still experience the symptoms of moderate to severe crohn's disease. and that in clinical studies, the majority of patients on humira saw significant symptom relief. and many achieved remission. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened;
12:10 am
as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. ask your gastroenterologist about humira. with humira, remission is possible. alright, what do you think boys? we could do tacos. we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh? [weird dog moan/squeak] why not? [dog yawning/squeaking] no, we're not, we're not having barbecue... again. [quiet dog groan] why? because you're on four legs, and i'm on two... and i'm driving. that's why. [dog whine] sushi it is. ♪
12:11 am
dmade with the perfect balance of raspberry ice cream, luscious raspberry sauce, and belgian chocolate. discover magnum chocolate pleasure.
12:12 am
12:13 am
(cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest is our country's top crime fighter. please welcome attorney general loretta lynch! (cheers and applause) ♪ ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome to the show! >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: our pleasure. i'm honored to have you here. as i said, you are america's top crime fighter. are you the batman? >> no. >> stephen: you're not. i am not the batman. i am the slayer. (laughter) >> stephen: you have a lot of big cases now. before we get to some of the big
12:14 am
ones, i want to ask you, how is the law doing because you are america's top law person. how is american law and law enforcement doing right now? >> you know, american law and law enforcement are great. >> stephen: mm-hmm. the law is what we use to chart the progress of this great country. it's what i get to use every day to keep the american people safe, to protect their liberties, to protect their civil rights, and i've got the best job in the world because i get to work in it every day (cheers and applause) >> stephen: how do you feel about the people who look at the government? some people look at law enforcement, look at the government and see jack-booted thugs, you know, and you would be number one jack-booted thug because you're the person who sends the feds in. do you believe that people have a right to be afraid of their government and the enforcement of the laws? >> you know, i think we're at a time of great change and how we look at law enforcement in this country. whenever there's great change, there is often a lot of consternation and tension, at the incidents that have happened, that are given people
12:15 am
a lot of concern with how law enforcement has done its job and we have these situations in this country. one of my priorities is working on the relationship between law enforcement and the communities we serve because if we don't have the trust and the participation of the communities that we're sworn to protect, we will not be able to do our jobs and people will not be safe. >> stephen: well there's a lot of tension right now or at least reported tension between communities of color and law enforcement right now. i understand you're on, like, a police tour right now to try to improve that. >> yes. >> stephen: is that all across the united states? it is only certain communities of color? you yourself, you're a woman of color, i'm not sure everyone knows you're the attorney general. have you ever been pulled over for being a d.w.b., driving while black, or anything like that? >> no. >> stephen: have you ever faced it yourself as a woman of color? >> no, i've had a good
12:16 am
experience with law enforcement. i have been in law enforcement over 20 years. when you have a security detail you tend not to get pulled over, also. (laughter) >> stephen: iphones. the justice department wants apple to find a backdoor for the iphone they have in their possession from the san bernardino shooters. tim cook said he couldn't do that because he would have to invent something in order to do that and that is beyond the pale, that is more than he should be asked to do. i assume you disagree with him. >> well, we've disagreed publicly in court, and i've had a number of great conversations with tim cook on issues of privaciy. what i will say, though, is i understand why this is important to everybody because privacy is an important issue for everyone -- it's important to me as the attorney general and to me as a citizen. >> stephen: he says it's a slippery slope. if they invent the backdoor, the
12:17 am
cracking of the security, then y'all can use it for anything else. he said you can use it to turn on my iphone and spy on me if you wanted to once you had access. >> we're not asking for a backdoor or for him to spy on anyone. we're asking them to do what the customer wants. the real owner of the phone is the county, the employer of one of the terrorists that are dead and we ask them to remove the password erase function that wipes the phone after you get the password wrong over ten times. it's very narrow and focused. >> stephen: do you work for the obama administration. >> i'm in the cabinet. >> stephen: so as attorney general, can you investigate the obama administration even if he didn't want you to? >> it's not a situation that's come up while i have been attorney general. >> stephen: is attorney
12:18 am
general an independent position? could you investigation the administration without their asking you to? >> we do our job independently. we look at issues that come up and do independent investigations and decide what the issues are. >> stephen: last night in the debate jorge ramos asked hillary clinton if she is indicted by the justice department would she drop out of the race and she said there is no way that's ever going to happen. can you say as attorney general there is no way hillary clinton will be indicted in the investigation that's ongoing? >> i get asked that a lot. >> stephen: i just asked you again. do you ever answer this question? (laughter) (cheers and applause) just fair warning. i'd just love to know. >> no, i always answer the question, and the answer is we don't talk about ongoing matters that are under review in the justice department. there it is. >> stephen: technically, that is an answer, yes. >> but the reason we don't do that is, no matter who's involved in a case, who near
12:19 am
the -- no matter whether they're famous or not, we do the investigations the same way every single time. we have careerings agents and lawyers looking at this, they look at the facts and the law, come to a recommendation and do their job fairly and independently and we have to do it that way with every case, because if we change because of political interest or issue or a famous name even though not tied to politics, no one would have faith in what we did. it's so important to me that the american people can look at what we do and have faith that when we come to their aid, when we come to a situation where someone is trying to harm them, that we're going to give it our all and try and get all the evidence whether in an iphone or stored locker and if, in fact, someone has said something about them and brought it to our attention and we have to look into it, we look into it in a way that doesn't hurt them before the end of the matter is concluded. so people have to have that faith in the department of justice. that's what we stand for, a and
12:20 am
i'll do everything i can to maintain that independence and that position (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. madam attorney general loretta lynch! we'll be right back, everybody! (cheers and applause) ♪
12:21 am
♪ get 30% off every guest every ship in the caribbean but hurry, this offer won't last long come seek the royal caribbean book today at 1-800-royalcaribbean. what's the most awarded ranking from top to bottom. luxury cars just seem like they would be top awarded. there better be some awards behind what you are paying for, right. the final answer. chevy. the most awarded car company two years in a row. wow, it's like a luxury car. i was shocked. i mean it's like, this is chevy? current qualified gm lessees can get a sign and drive lease on this chevy cruze limited for around $179 per month. find new roads at your local chevy dealer.
12:22 am
an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno.
12:23 am
, what will you do?ctric nissan leaf... ♪ how far will you go? ♪ how much will you see? ♪ electrify the world. now with a class-leading 107 miles on a charge, the nissan leaf is the best selling electric car in america. ♪ (cheers and applause) s.
12:24 am
♪ >> stephen: welcome back. a little earlier, we were talking about donor's choosere and, again, last year, i helped fund every classroom project in south carolina in a single day (cheers and applause) one of the things i learned later and this made me so happy is some of the projects we funded were at my elementary school, the one i went to when i was a little kid, and it's still there. that really brought back memories for me because this is where my life was changed. forever in fourth grade by my teacher, miss katsos. so i went back to my actual classroom at stiles point elementary and sat down with miss katsos for the first time in 40 years. jim? ♪
12:25 am
>> stephen! oh, my goodness! >> stephen: hi, ms. katsos! oh, goodness! >> stephen: i'm so good t -- sod to see you. mrs. kee name now. >> yes. >> stephen: do you mind if i call you ms. katsos? everyone has one teacher that means more than anyone in their childhood and you were it for me. you were my teacher of teachers and you knew me when i was steve col-bert. >> i did. that's right. >> stephen: what can you tell me about that nine or ten-year-old boy who you taught for one year in the early 1970s? who's steve col-bert, how about that? >> one of the brightest students i've ever taught and very clever, and your vocabulary was beyond.
12:26 am
it was amazing. >> stephen: please, go on, don't be parsimonious. (laughter) >> i remember you were an avid reader. >> stephen: i did. i liked to read. do you see any of him in me now? >> there's still a lot of boy in your, stephen. you love life, enjoy people and you were dramatic a bit, so the drama still comes out. (laughter) >> stephen: you gave me a special test after school one day in the spring, i think, of 1974. i remembered for many years answering faster than you could push the timer to start it and making you laugh. >> oh, yes. >> stephen: and wanting to make you laugh again to see if i could make you laugh every time by how fast i could answer the question. you recorded me. >> i recorded it on a little cassette. this is the original tape and i even labeled it stephen colbert. ♪ >> all right, we'll move to the next test now. and this one is going to bemate.
12:27 am
if i cut an apple in half, how many pieces will i have? >> you will have two. >> stephen: a little fast. john had four pennies an his mother gave him two more. how many pennies did he have altogether? >> six. you're too fast! (laughter) ♪ >> stephen: i can't believe you saved that tape all these years. >> i did. >> stephen: i hate to disappoint you. i did not have the greatest academic career after you. you were the last teacher i tried for. >> as it turned out, everything came out wonderful. >> stephen: everything came out just fine. so the lesson we're trying to tell kids out there is you don't really have to apply yourself. >> well... >> stephen: no, we got it. i think that's the lesson. before we go. would you do one thing for me? >> would be glad to. >> stephen: would you give me this?
12:28 am
>> oh, stephen, you are a star. (cheers and applause) love you, stephen. >> stephen: we'll be back with a performance by brian fallon! ♪ (cheers and applause) see? people wear their most stylish and glamorous clothes in the dark. people get brave and daring in the dark. in the dark, bowling is less sad, food is more expensive, and making out is much more likely. so if all this good stuff happens in the dark, wouldn't you want a camera that can capture things... ...in the dark? the new galaxy s7 edge with low-light camera. in our house, imagination runs wild. but at my table, i keep the food real. like country crock's recipe made with real simple ingredients. and no artificial flavors or preservatives. real country fresh taste from real ingredients. welcome to crock country.
12:29 am
can't afford to let heartburn get in the way? try nexium 24hr, now the #1 selling brand for frequent heartburn. get complete protection with the new leader in frequent heartburn. that's nexium level protection. this turkyeah. natural? it's too good to be true. don't say that. it's called the 60 second six pack.
12:30 am
it's called the abinator. it's called the pulsator. (buzzing sound) (groans) finally, something that's not too good to be true. it's oscar mayer natural turkey breast, and it tastes great. i want to show you some cutting edge technology. this is a vhs tape. push that tape in and hit play. this is a flip phone. have you seen these before? it's called a compact disc. oh. looks like we're getting a facsimile. what year is it to you? it's old. you'd rather use newer technology? definitely. well, i've got something to show you. this is the 2016 chevy volt. it uses extended range electric technology. the prius hybrid uses battery technology developed 15 years ago. chevy expects volt drivers to get over a thousand miles between fill ups. it's got every technology there is. the prius actually belongs on the table.
12:31 am
>> stephen: here performing "a wonderful life," ladies and gentlemen, brian fallon. (cheers and applause) ♪ most of this life's been a drag of a high ♪ and lows like a blow in a paid thrown title fight ♪ most of my sins were born in a kiss ♪ on a night like this calling all lonely hearts ♪ oh-oh-oh don't you want a life ♪ like we saw on the picture show?
12:32 am
oh-oh-oh ♪ so come on, give me something, come on, keep me up all night ♪ you say, my baby all this time in between ♪ drives me crazy i want a life on fire ♪ going mad with desire i don't wanna survive ♪ i want a wonderful life i want a wonderful life ♪ my love seems like it goes from a dream ♪ to a crash and a roll just shaking up everyone ♪ maybe there's more than the treasures we secure ♪ that become heavy chains to sink us in tidal waves ♪ oh-oh-oh and all i could do is ♪ take you from the circus show
12:33 am
oh-oh-oh ♪ so come on give me something come on keep me up all night ♪ you say, my baby all this time in between ♪ drives me crazy i want a life on fire ♪ going mad with desire i don't wanna survive ♪ i want a wonderful life and all my nights ♪ they always end the same with the blacktop, blacktop ♪ coming from behind it's just the age-old game ♪ from the living dead buzzing in my head ♪ they keep me up all night you say, my baby ♪ all this time in between drives me crazy ♪ i want a life on fire going mad with desire ♪ i don't wanna survive
12:34 am
i want a wonderful life ♪ all my sins were born in a kiss ♪ on a night like this calling all lonely hearts ♪ i want a wonderful life ♪ all my sins were born in a kiss ♪ on a night like this calling all lonely hearts ♪ i want a wonderful life ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: brian fallon's debut solo album, "painkillers," is out tomorrow. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ,,,,,,,,,,,
12:35 am
12:36 am
12:37 am
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's it for the "late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be jeff daniels, audra mcdonald and mary elizabeth winstead. now stick around for my friend james corden. good night! ♪ (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ ♪ would you like some sawses age and bacon ♪ it's the "late, late show" ♪.

125 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on