tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS April 5, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
welcome to "the late show." i'm so happy you guys are here. everybody feeling good tonight? me, too. i'm stephen colbert. happy to be here. you know, i'm a modern man, but i'm a fan of tradition. i think it's important for each country to hold onto its cultural uniqueness. but i just learned that one of the world's great traditions is at risk. spanish prime minister mariano rajoy wants to reduce spain's three-hour siesta to one hour >> audience: boo! >> stephen: yes. i don't know how to say that in spanish, but yes. they're just going to have a lunch break like everybody else. spanish workers would end their day at 6:00 p.m. instead of going home for their nap, they'd sleep at their desk
like the rest of us. well, i'm here to say, spain, no es bueno. don't do it. you don't realize it, but you're threatening an american tradition of making fun of spain for being a lazy country where nothing gets done. that's important to us. to us, spain is a fanciful wonderland where everyone sleeps all afternoon and dinner is actually 100 little dinners on tiny plates. you order too much and still are hungry. when we travel to spain, we want the convenience of nothing being open in the middle of the day. "i'd like to cash a check, please." "i'm sorry, senor, the money is sleeping." by the way, if you're planning a trip to spain this summer, if you're doing some traveling, please be kind to our friends in the t.s.a. they've got a hard job to do and provide a crucial service. before the t.s.a., the only place someone would brush their knuckles across my junk was every subway car in new york. ( cheers and applause )
am i supposed to tip you? i'm not sure what the tradition is here. and some interesting news was just revealed about t.s.a. technology. at some checkpoints, passengers are selected for screening by one of the t.s.a. folks tapping an ipad like this which randomly generates an arrow that tells passengers to go in the left line or the right line. left or right. well, it was revealed yesterday that that app cost $1.4 millon, yes, and, naturally people are upset about that. so right now i want to help by offering the t.s.a. an exclusive contract with me to supply a much cheaper, advanced random binary choice generator, the flipomatic 5400. i have one with me right now.
t.s.a., the flipo meatic could be yours for the low, low, price of $1.3 million the flipomatic comes pre-programmed to have two sides, only one of which can be up at a time. this technology is already in use by the n.f.l. they are highly portable, durable, and there are 50 different designs, one for each state the t.s.a. operates in. and it's not just for random number generation. and they are dual use. in addition to randomly computing left or right, you can also use them on scratch off lottery tickets, which you might need given how much money you've blown on that app. let's try it out. tonight we have... oh, a good show for you. ( cheers and applause ) wasn't sure. we don't know. that's the flipomatic talking. from the movie "the boss" we've got ben falcone and melissa mccarthy, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause )
then i'll be joined by web news high priestess, arianna huffington. ( cheers and applause ) and a musical performance by baby metal. ( cheers and applause ) baby metal, baby. >that there is jon batiste and stay human. say hi to the band, everybody. they're about to drop it like it's hot, but before they do, one more thing: this season the new york yankees payroll is $222 million. or as it's known at yankee stadium, a hot dog and a beer. >> tonight, stephen welcomes melissa mccarthy and ben falcone. arianna huffington.
and a musical performance by baby metal. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. >> jon: boom! bam! >> stephen: thank you, gentlemen. thank you so much. boom, bam. did you all catch the n.c.a.a. championship last night? did you watch it, jon. >> jon: i caught the end of it. >> stephen: you really only have to watch the last five seconding of the championship. >> jon: i caught, like, the
last minute of the game. >> stephen: you didn't want to watch the beginning of it? you dont like basketball that much? >> jon: i just saw the news and heard about the shot and i checked it out on youtube. >> stephen: technically, that's not watching the game. ( laughter ) >> jon: i did watch it. >> stephen: that's going to youtube. that's like saying, "i read about the hindenburg so i went and watched the film." you didn't watch the game. you watched youtube, then. >> jon: technically speak i watched the game on youtube. >u. >> stephen: after the game was over to see what the experience was like for people who had watched the game. >> jon: exactly. it was like a simulation. ( laughter ) you see -- >> no, i understand, i understand. but you will agree, it was exciting, right. it was one of the most exciting end of games to hear about and then go watch. >> jon: it was killing. >> stephen: it was amazing. >> jon: it was blowing up my twitter feed and i was like, man, i gotta check these shots out. so i watched it, but i didn't know exactly when the shots were coming so it was still brand new
to me. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, that's good. that's good. that's very efficient. that's very efficient. the game was incredible. it was bananas is what the game was. it was b-a-n-n-a-n-n-a-s, bananas. villanova's kris jenkins hits an ice-cold buzzer-beater to win it all. but for me, the real highlight came between the two big shots when, with the game tied and his team reeling, villanova center daniel ochefu took the time to personally mop the floor. that's exciting. that's exciting basketball. i can't wait for the new game for xbox, "n.c.a.a. mop madness." ( laughter ) ( applause )
i got swiffer to win my whole bracket. i don't want to brag, but i've been a giant villanova fan my entire... since a week ago. jon, you're a basketball guy. >> jon: right. >> stephen: have you been following march madness? >> jon: i like duke when i watch basketball. >> stephen: i'm pulling for villanova right now. ( applause ). >> stephen: yeah. villanova. i picked one of four teams. what are the odds? you have no way to figure that out. anyway, congratulations villanova. that's called the colbert bump. ( cheers and applause ) of course, one of the reasons i rooted for villanova is because they're a catholic school, and if you're a regular viewer, you know that i'm a catholic. and if you're not a regular viewer, don't worry. as a catholic, i'm the one who feels guilty about it. ( laughter ) unfortunately, i'm often too busy for my favorite catholic
traditions-- the rosary, stations of the cross, finding hidden messages from leonardo davinci in rennaissance arts. but the tradition i miss most is confession. so i was wondering if right now, i could examine my conscience right now with you, the audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: good. this is stephen colbert's midnight confessions. ( applause ) ( laughter ) now, for the record, i'm not sure if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back. ( laughter ) forgive me, audience. before i put cash in a tip jar, i always wait until the
employees can see me do it. ( cheers and applause ) sometimes, sometimes, audience, sometimes i go on real estate websites and see how big a house i could buy in missouri. ( applause ) i take hotel shampoo bottles when i'm not staying at the hotel. ( applause ) yesterday, yesterday, i told a coworker she had the cutest baby. but really it was more of a six. ( laughter ) one time in a store, i used the employees-only bathroom by telling them i was a regional manager. ( cheers and applause )
sometimes i'll talk to my plants when i'm lonely. and after a few drinks, well, the talking stops. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm kind of glad chipotle has gotten a lot of bad press because it makes the line shorter. ( applause ) forgive me, audience. i'm a truther, but only when it comes to "i can't believe it's not butter." when telemarketers call me at home, i ask if they can hold on for a second, then leave the phone off the hook and go jogging. ( cheers and applause ) i take salad bar sneeze guards as a personal challenge. ( laughter ) sometimes, on hot days, i go into a grocery store and pretend to be reading the ice cream
labels just so i can hold the freezer door open. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i did terrible things to rise to the top of my barbershop quartet. they say "if you love something, set it free." but i don't know if i can trust those people in my shed. ( laughter ) ( applause ) forgive me, audience. >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with melissa mccarthy and ben falcone. matter? you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm.
sounds like a really good deal. sounds lm state farm, at three in the morning? who is this? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm? uh, khakis. she sounds hideous. well, she's a guy so... another reason more people stay with state farm. get to a better state. let's go. wh? you didn't even move your hands! another game! i've got a table ready at 6:00 o'clock. alexa, how's the traffic? female voice: the fastest route is 45 minutes to downtown. jason, get in the sidecar. (engine rumbling)
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! thank you, jon. welcome back, everybody. my first guests tonight are husband and wife and the director and the star of the new film "the boss." >> we've got to get on a schedule if you're going to be here. oh, my god! close your robe! >> no, absolutely not. i'm self-tainch tanning and my legs are real wet.
>> you need to wipe some of that off your face. you know it dries darker. >> does it? >> yes. >> noose not what the bottle says. it's okay. it's coming off like a dream on your towel. >> you need to clean up the bathroom, and consider staying away from self-tanner all together. your pelvish region is the color of curry. >> my mistake, claire, thank you. >> it's not a compliment. >> stephen: please welcome melissa mccarthy and ben falcone. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i gotta say, we have some lovely guests here. not everyone gets a standing ovation out there.
that's awfully nice, that's awfully nice. >> oh, my gosh. thank you for being the last one standing. >> stephen: i think they might be as excited as i am because you are our first celebrity couple. we've never had a celebrity couple before. >> and we plan on divorcing at the end of the show, just to give it a boost. >> stephen: divorces and weddings, huge ratings. >> we'll do what we can. >> stephen: ben falcone and melissa mccarthy, do you have a celebrity name together? because like a benifer, thing? i was thinking about benliser mccartcone. >> some of our friends call us fall-cargty. >> stephen: mc-carne. >> that just kind of rollsff the tongue. >> stephen: it does. that's what on your shirt? >> my kids made this shirt.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's really nice. >> so they decorated the shirt-- >> they made it for father's day. >> yeah, for father's day. and i promised vivian i would wear it. and georgie threatened me. >> stephen: how old are the kids? >> 8 and 6. almost 9 and 6. >> stephen: you guys have been together since 2005, right? >> yeah. >> stephen: you met each energy 1998. what took so long? >> i was always like ( coughing ) you can put something there if you're not doing anything. no. terrible! >> stephen: that's a great pick-up line. >> that's from 1951 and that's how it work s. >> stephen: you met at the ground lings. for people who don't know it's a famous comedy improv shop in los angeles. huge names have come out of there. >> we did. we started writing and performing and bombing almost,
right when we met. >> our first sketch was all about-- you had to pick a holiday, so you had to create one, and the sketch was -- >> you had to create a new holiday? >> a new holiday. so we created all seager's eve. all bob seger. >.>> a holiday for bob seger. >> stephen: i be they have those in michigan. >> i remember we were driving around in the car. we were like, "this can't lose! this is amazing!" ♪ like a rock and bob seger comes down the chimney. it's so exciting. >> it's like you were there. >> he did. at one point i know i sent-- i was the mom in it, and i was like-- somehow the back story was i always burn the ham. and i was like, "but not this year. i never made a ham at 350. thank you, seager." it was nonsense. >> stephen: it was a bob seger miracle. >> it was a bob seger miracle
after miracle. >> stephen: the audience didn't enjoy this. >> we didn't get there. >> we didn't get it in the show. we were told to rewrite it. and when we rewrote it we said great, they're missing the boat, the same sketch but we were scottish. >> for the rewrite when someone said, this, doesn't make any sense, "and we were like, "they don't know what they've been talking about." we've been writing for 14 minutes. we know what we're doing. so we brought back the exact same catch and changed how we said it. they were just like get off the stage. you made it so much worse. >> stephen: the movie "the boss," is based on a character that you did at the ground lings as well, right? >> 15, 16 years ago. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. i kicked in the door to-- what was it? >> "welcome to the jungle." >> as you do. i thought if i was going to kick in the door it should be to
"welcome to the jungle." i went into the audience, had red hair air, turtleneck up to here, really similar to how she still looks and did a seminar on how to make money. >> stephen: because she's the richest woman in the world. >> she's the 47th wealthiest woman and that's important. it's all real to me. >> stephen: and you directed this. >> yes. >> stephen: is it hard at the end of the day that you can't get away from each other? you can't say-- because you can't go home to your wife and say, "you can't believe what a bitch my diva is!" you can't say that. maybe you can. maybe you've got such a close relationship you can. >> if that ever did occur, i think i could. >> that would be great. >> we had a blast and the family is all together. we go home and talk about the same stuff we've been talking about for 16 years. it's not like let's get out the spreadsheets. it's what can we do bedroom. >> it's like, "do you think krysten bell well the me take her bra straps and shakeem.
>> stephen: i hope that's your line. >> who did come up with that? >> i don't remember. >> stephen: does she let you take her bra straps and shake them? >> the answer is yes. >> phil: that sounds like a good movie. >> right after we did the scene, after ben fed us bananas because he thought we might be low webb and our sugar might be down, he fed us bananas like we were monkeys. >> i think krysten's quote was,"if we're going to do this let's really bang around on these things." >> stephen: she's a pro. >> that's business talk in the world of show. >> stephen: i'd like to hear more about banging her bananas. we've got to take a commercial break. wiebt with more melissa mccarthy and ben falcone. we'll be right back with more i struggle with bipolar depression,
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>> stephen: i wish she was here. you guys could meet. we're back with the lovely melissa mccarthy and the lovely ben falcone. we were talking earlier about you being a married couple, and you having kids together. you make entertainment, but it's so hard sometimes to find things you can watch with your own kids. >> nothing we make we can show them. >> stephen: probably nop. i've seen some of your stuff. what do you guys watch add a family. >> chop. >> stephen: do you really wowch "chopped." >> we watch house shows and cooking shows and "chopped. >> stephen: i'm obsessed with "chopped." >> are you. >> stephen: what are you going to do with the ingred yents. >> what are you going to do with the live squid. and i'm always like, i'll show you. >> stephen: it's got to be a dessert. it's on my dvr, more than anything else. would you like to be on it. >> i would love. >> that would be great. >> stephen: i would love to do
it here but it's an hour-long show, and we would have to smooive it down into four minutes or something like that. would you guys like to try that? ( cheers and applause ) >> yes, really. >> stephen: you in? yes. because right now i challenge you to the "late show" cooking competition" "smooshed." ( cheers and applause ) welcome. ben, melis awelcome to "smooived." >> thank you. >> thank you. >> stephen: you know the rules. also available is our pantry, which is that stuff in the middle, which is whatever we could find in the break room fridge. feel free to use any and all of it. the winner will receive a
donation you will be given your own basket of mystery ingredients, and you must use every ingredient in the basket in some way. to the charity of his or her choice, courtesy of stephen colbert's americone dream fund. open your baskets. and the ingredients are salted crackers. salted-- salted crackers. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) please wait until i name the ingredient. >> i'm panicky. >> stephen: salted crackers. next ingredient, miniature mallow puffs. >> what! >> stephen: will and bacon, now available in bit form. ben and melissa, you will be judged on presentation, transformation of the ingredients and if your dish does not make the cut, you will be smooived. jim, let's put one minute on the clock, and begin. ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: all right. melissa, what are you working on? >> i'm working on a sweet savory. >> feel good about that? >> stephen: ben, ben, what's your strategy here? what are you hoping to get done? >> i'm is really flying by. i want the flavors to speak for themselves. >> stephen: 20 seconds on the clock. 20 seconds, please. >> wait, i'm not using any of the ingredients! aarrggh! >> stephen: you will be judged on the use of ingredients. 10 seconds to plate! you have 10 seconds to plate your ingredient. >> audience: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! ( buzzer ). >> stephen: step away from the plate, please.
>> i panicked. i honest to god panicked. >> stephen: there you go. there you go. please. please. >> that clock goes so fast. >> stephen: it does. it just-- it just whizs by. congratulationses -- >> i don't like to complain but it seems like she took all the ingredients right at the beginning. >> i'm on "smooived" to win. >> stephen: it's all about initiative, ben. ben, melis acongratulations. now it's time for the judgment round. if you want to come over here and present your dishes. >> i do, i do. ( laughter ) i really do. >> stephen: thank you very much. all right, ben, i'll say you first. chef ben, what are you presenting today? >> well, this is just a bacon bit marshmallow sal teen with just a little bit of pickle for taste. ( cheers and applause )
french, i went french. >> stephen: i have to say-- i have to say-- >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: i get to judge it first. i get to judge it first. i have to say, first, the presentation is immaculate. congratulations on that. >> thank you. >> stephen: first of all, you built sort of an architectural tower, tower treat here. is this an appetizer, entree or dessert? >> it's the first and the third. >> stephen: and here we go. ( cheers and applause ) mmm. mmm. mmm. bravo. bravo. i'm taste ago i'm getting all the ingredients. i'm getting a very smoky bacon bit, a crunch. it's both tart and dry at the
same time. ( laughter ) thank you, chef. >> thank you -- >> melissa, your presentation, please. ( cheers and applause ) and what are we having today? >> mine is a rustic hash. tuskan influence. i tried to play with crunchy, sweet, savory, and meaty. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. right away, i have-- i take some point because you did not include one of the ingredients. there are no bacon bits. >> i know, i panicked. i know, i know. >> stephen: there is a protein, though. what is this protein? >> that would be baloney. >> stephen: that would be the italian influence from baloania. >> it's bacon bits' big daddy, baloney. >> stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: that is-- wait a second, just for those washed
"smooshed" for the first time, that is the battle cry for "smooshed." eat it! eat it! how should one eat this? how was it meant to be consumed. >> obviously, it's meant to be consumed with a large soup ladle. >> stephen: you know what? you could use a fork. but use a spoon. you're going to want to get every drop. mmm. mmm. i have to get some of that pickle in there, some of that pick nel there. ( cheers and applause ) >> it looks delicious. >> stephen: you know what? there is a certain testicularrity to this meal. >> yes! >> stephen: there's a vigor that one does not associate with the hash. >> and you'll still feel it
later, too. >> stephen: i will. the word "challenging" is so rarely applied. >> thank you! >> stephen: again, appetizer, entree or dessert? >> it's an incredibly like bouche. >> stephen: my bouce is more than amused. it's shocked, it's chagrined, and somewhat humiliated. let's look. here we are. this is the moment. can we have a drumroll, please? no because the drummer is not standing at the drums. is there any way i can get a drum roll. ben, melissa, you have been judged, ben, i'm sorry, you've been smooived. melissa, you are our winner. wait, wait, wait. i-- i smooived-- i smooived the wrong one. >> eat it!
( applause ). >> stephen: all right! hey! welcome back, everybody. my next guest is the co-founder, president, and editor in chief of the huffington post and author of "the sleep revolution: transforming your life one night at a time." please welcome arianna huffington. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> great to see you. >> stephen: how goes the media empire? >> the media empire is much better now that we all sleep enough. >> phil: oh, okay, well, all right, is it that important? is that important, sleep can really lead to an empire? >> it's the biggest performance-enhancement tool that is legal. ( laughter ) and has no bad side effects.
how is your sleep, stephen. >> stephen: well, you know, what, you know what, we'll get into that in just one second. it certainly is important to me. the name of the book is "the sleep revolution: transforming your life one night at a time." how can sleep be a revolution? we know how to sleep. why does there need to be a sleep revolution. >> we know how to sleep. we don't sleep enough. >> stephen: tell me about it. >> you, for example. >> stephen: very busy. people work really long hours right now. people stay up, looking at huffington post all hours of the night. you're part of the problem, you realize. >> i know. i know i'm part of the problem. that's why i'm atoning by giving people the latest science on why sleep is incredibly important. you cannot negotiate about your sleep. you cannot shortchange your sleep. look at you, stephen. you're incredibly successful. >> phil: thank you. ( laughter ) for some reason, you're incredibly attractive right now. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but what opened your eyes to this? what opened your eyes?
why did this become your pet project. you talk about it all the time. >> it's not my pet project. it's my global crusade. we are going to change how long we sleep, and when we change that, we are going to make better decisions. we are going to be healthier. >> stephen: what happens to you if you don't sleep? >> what happens when we're asleep, the toxins that accumulated in our brain during the day are washed away. and if they're not washed away, they lead to alzheimer's. >> stephen: when i hear the word "toxins" i i think of holding crystals or getting a colonic or things like that. are toxins a real thing? we don't have poisons in our bodes, do we? >> absolutely. we have poisons in our body. >> stephen: where do they come from? >> they come from life. >> stephen: life is a poison. >> they come from the environment. have you heard about the problems with the environment? we accumulate all these toxins. but sleep is just most amazing gift from mother nature, and we're ignoring it. >> stephen: what about medical technology? what about, like, taking a sleeping pill?
would you recommend that, take an ambien or something like that. >> no. >> stephen: an old fashioned or something like that. >> in fact,un, stephen, if you drink, if you have a cocktail, it may help you fall asleep, but it's going to wake you up. >> stephen: right. >> in the middle of the night. >> stephen: so you have to have another, you have to have another. ( laughter ). >> and here's the thing-- sleep is free. sleep is available. you also know, we're starting a whole college to educate young people, fliek your audience, and those in colleges about the importance of sleep. and one of the ways we're trying to make them sleep more is to show the connection between sleep deprivation and erectile dysfunction. did you know that. >> stephen: what function? >> erectile dysfunction. >> stephen: erectile dils function, really? then i must be getting a lot of sleep, baby. ( cheers and applause ) now, you're also-- you've got-- you've got huffpo airbnb
contest, where you get to sleep in your bedroom, right? by themselves in your bedroom? >> i'm going to cook a fabulous greek dinner for them before they sleep. and then i'm going to watch over them-- not in the-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: sleep! sleep! >> just to make sure they don't go to their smartphones. >> stephen: okay. >> because that's kryptonite. you cannot have your smartphone by your bed. you can never touch your phone if you wake up for whatever reason because that prevents you from going back to sleep in a natural way. you know what, ultimately, you talk about ambien, organs are mother nature's -- >> did you say orgasm? >> yes. >> stephen: orgasms are mother nature's ambien? >> yes. >> stephen: well, write me a prescription.
>> stephen: the book is "the sleep revolution." quick question-- which of the candidates you see out there right now looks like they're not getting enough sleep. >> oh, my god, trump has actually confessed he only gets about four hours of sleep. but he displays all the symptoms of extreme, chronic sleep deprivation. like-- like memory loss. like an inability to process basic information. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: so now-- donald, please, nap. arianna huffington, everybody. we'll be right back.
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