Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  May 10, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

11:35 pm
late show with stephen colbert is next. next newscast tomorrow morning at 4:30 a.m. bright and early. see you then. >> stephen: katie couric. >> hey, stephen. >> stephen: so lovely to see you. thanks for being on the show. >> are you kidding? so happy to be here. >> stephen: marng you are going to look fantastic in the chicken suit. >> what do you mean. >> stephen: i forgot to tell you we are doing this thing where we interview our guests in costumes. >> stephen, i'm a serious journalist. i am not going to wear a chicken suit. >> stephen: is it okay if i wear the chicken suit? >> it's jur show, knock yourself out. >> stephen: you can be the horse. >> great! >> tonight, stephen welcomes chloe grace moretz katie couric charlamagne tha god
11:36 pm
featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey! hey! thank you, jon! good to see you, my man. thank you. ( cheers ) welcome to "the late show." thanks everybody. thank you down here, up there. lovely crowd. beautiful people. thank you very much. thank you. please, everybody. welcome to "the late show."
11:37 pm
welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. thank you for all that positive energy. everybody feeling nice tonight? everybody feeling good? ( cheers and applause ) we are going to need that positive energy going forward because the election is getting nastier day by day. donald trump is accusing hillary clinton of enabling bill clinton's affairs. that's what he said this weekend, which trump frowns on because he was able to accomplish all of his affairs on his own, did it himself. ( cheers and applause ) by his own by his own bootstraps. i believe all he was wearing at the time was his boots. trump even said that hillary was nasty and mean to the women who slept with her husband. trump's wives did not treat his mistresses like that at all.
11:38 pm
they had the courtesy to let him marry them. tag, you're it! he's all yours! i think personally that it is ridiculous to blame a wife for her husband's affairs. you agree? do you agree? ( applause ) it's ridiculous. we all know when there's this kind of trouble in a marriage, it's the kids' fault. if you were better, if you were better, mommy and daddy would love each other. i don't know what it is. didn't clean your room or something like that. don't know what it is. fix it. here's the thing, donald trump has been married three times. attacking hillary clinton for having marital problems is like the pot calling the kettle black, or in trump's case, calling the kettles "the blacks." by the way, the kettles love him. >> for anybody concern abouted election, there's a new dating
11:39 pm
web site out there promising to match canadians with americans who want to escape the trump presidency. that's right. that's right. you can escape to the great white north if you're afraid of the great orange here. the site is called "maple match," the third most canadian sounding dating site behind "moose mates" and "beaver buddies." don't look that up, by the way. now, thousands of people have signed up to maple match, but about 70% of the them are canadian, which means they've got plenty of mounties. they're just looking for a few more mount-ers. it's not as dirty as it sounds. there's also big news about facebook book out in the last 24 hours, a.k.a., the friendster
11:40 pm
that lived. it came out yesterday that facebook's "trending news" section isn't actually determined by an algorithm but by "facebook workers who routinely suppressed conservative news." yeah, yeah, it's shocking. before this, the most popular way to suppress conservative news was to change the channel in the hospital waiting room. ( laughter ) apparently-- ( laughter ) let it sink in. let it sink in. apparently, facebook censored popular stories about conservative topics from appearing on the trending news section. folks, i think this is wrong. if facebook is going to censor things, why not get rid of the stuff people really don't want to see, like your ex's tropical honeymoon? or invitations to coworkers' improv shows? "mike, i'm glad you're getting out after the divorce, but i'm not going out at midnight on a tuesday to see your improvised episode of 'dawson's creek.'" ( applause ).
11:41 pm
( cheers ) i'll be there. save me one ticket. ( laughter ) the only thing i want to see on facebook is people who were mean to me in high school who are now fat and bald. ( cheers and applause ) okay? you know who you are! ( laughter ) i'm depressed. i'll tell you why. and, job, you and i were talking about this earlier today. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: we just recently learned that love is dead. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: love is dead, it's sad. because this weekend, ozzy and sharon osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. it's sad news. they were married for 33 years, six of which ozzy remembers. ( laughter ) now, sharon osbourne is not talking about it, but ozzy
11:42 pm
released the following statement, "abbit fernum viskie. blee gerd muh muh filt. innit? all aboard!" ♪ ♪ a-ye-aye-a. say hello to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ♪ ♪ >> jon: everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right! hey, i've got some good news for people who experience time. who experiences time here? i do. yeah, we all want to stay younger-- jon, how do you stay so youthful and fresh looking. >> jon: i try to drink green juice every day. >> stephen: oh, really?
11:43 pm
>> jon: and i exercised and play happy music. >> stephen: do you moisturize? >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: because seem so young. i have no idea how old are you. >> jon: yeah, you know, i'm black, so i have to moisturize. >> stephen: you have to? >> jon: in the corners it will get ashy. you don't want that. >> stephen: well, my body doesn't have cornerrers? >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: if i exer side, my body might actually have corners. right now, my body is like the oval office, no corners at all. >> jon: that's right! >> stephen: listen, if you are someone who does age, you might be excited to find out scientists have now developed something called a second skin that you apply to your own skin, and it can temporarily reduce wrinkles. for instance the wrinkles you might get from having scientists haik on your eyeball bags. it takes a unique scientific mind to look at wrinkly old people and say, "you know what they need? more skin." ( laughter ) this breakthrough in second skin
11:44 pm
comes from dr. buffallo bill at the university of silent lambs. ( laughter ) remember to follow the doctor's instructions. it puts the lotion on its skin, then it puts the lotion in the basket. apparently, it's a two-step process. first, you apply a transparent cream and then a catalyst that binds it to your skin as a smooth film. since it's not on the market yet, the best i can do is saran wrap. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( bleep ). ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
11:45 pm
am i beautiful yet? >> ah! ah! ah! it's amazing, it's amazing how quickly you panic in there. ( laughter ) ah! i feel younger already. folks, i'm glad i've got this stuff because we're all going to need thicker stin because... donald trump. now that trump is the presumptive g.o.p. nominee, his fellow republicans are slowly getting behind him, though some of them might be back there to push him down a flight of stairs because while he's gotten support from some party leaders like g.o.p. senate leader mitch mcconnell, r.n.c. chairman reince priebus, and supreme
11:46 pm
leader smoke. but not everybody has love for the trump. for example, the georges bush have refused to endorse trump. also former massachusetts governor and former mitt romney, mitt romney. but other republicans are conflicted. >> republicans like new hampshire senator kelly ayotte say they'll support the nominee but will not endorse him. >> stephen: yes, support but not endorse. she's holding multiple positions at once. she's in some sort of political quantum state. it's like shrodinger's cat, except she'd rather endorse a dead cat than donald trump. ( applause ). ( cheers ) but the endorsement-- everybody knows people love quantum physics jokes. but the endorsement donald trump really needs is from speaker of the house and man who truly believes that he's smiling, paul ryan.
11:47 pm
ryan, right here is the... ryan is the highest ranking republican and will be chairman of the g.o.p. convention so, naturally, last week he gave his party's nominee his full "can i get back to you?" >> you have said throughout this process that you will support the republican nominee. now you have a nominee, donald trump. will you support him? >> well, to be perfectly candid with you, jake, i'm just not ready to do that at this point. i am not there right now. and i hope to, though. and i want to. >> stephen: yeah, he's not there right now, he just needs a little more time. one assumes to fill out his profile on maple match. ( cheers and applause ) okay, now, to try and work out their differences, trump and
11:48 pm
ryan have scheduled a meeting this thursday. but before they do, trump is sending in his most dynamic surrogate to win paul ryan over: ben carson. makes sense. nobody can stay mad around ben carson. or stay awake. he's like a tranq dart you use to sedate a rhino before you ask the rhino to endorse donald trump. but carson can be very persuasive. he's donald trump's number one hype man. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: four, four. i can just the chanting at the rallies now: "only four years! only four years!" they were actually chanting it. so are you there yet, speaker? >> i am not there right now. and i hope to, though. and i want to. >> stephen: i understand. this is a big decision. speaker ryan may not be ready to support trump right now, but someday he hopes to and wants
11:49 pm
to. i just want to give him a little advice. hey, paul. it's me, steve. i know you're under a lot of pressure right now to endorse trump. and i just want to say, it's okay to take it slow. just because all the cool people like ben carson are doing it doesn't mean you have to. you want the first time you endorse donald trump to be special. i mean, look at chris christie. he rushed right into endorse, and now everywhere he goes is a walk of shame. ( cheers and applause ) don't worry. but don't worry, paul. when you decide the time is finally right for you to endorse trump, it'll only last a minute. just-- just shut your eyes and think of reagan. but you know what, until then, i know you're a young, vital speaker of the house. you have needs. so until you're completely ready, maybe it's best if you just stay home and endorse yourself.
11:50 pm
we'll be right back with chloe grace moritz. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) while the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use... ...now, t-mobile lets you stream all the video and music that you want from your favorite services... free! without using one bit of your lte data. plus, you can roll your unused data forward. nobody does data like t-mobile. get four lines... ...with ten gigs of 4g lte data each ..for just thirty-five bucks per line... ...from t-mobile. ♪ never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting energizer max ever.
11:51 pm
i'd wash them, and it'd be back before i even got to class. finally, i discovered the new tide and downy odor defense collection. tide gets out the yoga-aroma, while downy keeps them fresh all day. now, i don't smell like wet dog... i smell good. don't just mask odors. eliminate them with new tide and downy odor defense collection.
11:52 pm
padvil pm gives you the healingu at nsleep you need, it. helping you fall asleep and stay asleep so your body can heal as you rest. advil pm. for a healing night's sleep. the seal you can trust. with stain and sealer in one... and easy to choose colors... exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. thompson's waterseal stain and sealer. available at national retailers.
11:53 pm
11:54 pm
( band playing) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is a talented actor known for her roles in "kick-ass," "hugo" and "carrie." her new film is "neighbors 2: sorority rising." >> stop it! don't you see what's happening! this is what the old people want us to do! they want to tear us apart. they know if we're a united front, we can't lose, because we are sisters. and for the first time in my life, i feel like i belong right now. >> this is so much better than i ever thought college could be. >> this is the most fun i ever
11:55 pm
had, and i went to space camp. >> i haven't slept in, like, a week. i just don't want to miss out on anything. you guys are so fun. >> we are never going to lose each other. what do you call a house of united women? >> a brothel. >> no, man, a sorority! >> oh! >> stephen: please welcome chloe grace moritz. >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> i'm happy to be here. >> stephen: i was saying backstage, you're much taller than i imagined you would be. >> it's fake, it's all fake. >> stephen: how old were you when you first started acting? >> i was six years old. >> stephen: wow. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's amazing, you're 19 now. >> yes. >> stephen: so the last 13 years you've been a performer on screen, but you don't have any, like, childhood actor crash and
11:56 pm
burn. you've got no scandal. >> i know, it's a shame. i need to work on that. >> stephen: if you could have a scandal, if you could choose your scandal, what would you want it to be? >> if i could choose my scandal, okay, i would want to go to the met ball, and wear, like, a really nice dress, right, and walk up to a huge star, like angelina jolie and grab a glass of red line and, like, throw it on her, and get into a big cat fight,un, and end up tumbling down the front steps of the met. yeah. and there's a snapshot of me tumbling head first. >> stephen: that's a really good one. >> while i screamed, red faced half my exceptions falling out. >> stephen: have you been to the met before. i was there last week. >> i was there. >> stephen: why didn't you throw a glass of wine in my face and wrestled me down. >> we could have figured out a scandal. >> stephen: yx year? it's a deal. >> i'll throw that wine in your face. >> stephen: as somebody who is
11:57 pm
a brilliant young actress, you haven't had, like, ench new roles. wiewf done different roles where you fly in the face of what you might think a beautiful young actress might be cast in. you've been a disturbed psychic teen. >> yup. >> stephen: you've been an action kick-ass hero in "kick ass." do you want to wear the period costume and say lines from a jane austen novelil? >> be the demure young lady? >> when i was younger i didn't make a decision to go against the grain. i grew up with four older brothering. >> stephen: you have four older brothers. you're the youngest. >> i'm youngest with four brothers. i didn't grow up wearing pink and wearing this, so i kind of grew up being may have tomboy in that sense, and that reflected itself on screen. >> stephen: you have no sisters. >> yes. >> stephen: so you're in a sor
11:58 pm
roarity. >> yeah, big shock. if it was cappa nu, i would like to be in it. it's an anti-sorority sorority it's a series of squad rant s. >> stephen: do you have a squad, do you have a girl squad gidon't have a girl squad, per se. i have more kind of a random collection of friends. i don't know if we're cool enough to be a squad, per se. >> stephen: if you got invited in somebody else's squad-- if taylor swift said, "get in the squad?" would you get in the squad. >> what are the ramifications of being in the squad. >> stephen: i think she has to order you to kill people. i think swift's squad is blood in, blood out. >> how do i have to kill them? whatry rwe talk here? how dirty i do have to get. >> stephen: i've never been in a girl squad. >> you can be in my girl squad. >> stephen: it's a deal. >> after our fight. >> stephen: after our fight. >> after our big fight. >> stephen: in this movie, you
11:59 pm
are with seth rogan, rose byrne, zac effron, and zac effron's abs. his abs, like that. >> and his abs, which is the fourth character in the movie. >> stephen: exactly. did they get their own trailer? >> yeah, they get their own trailer. they have their own chair to sit in. they have their own, you know, makeup artist. everything involved. >> stephen: and there are wild parties in this-- in this movie. >> wild, yeah. >> stephen: well, there are, there are wild parties. >> they're insane. >> stephen: are you a wild partier yourself or do you not have time for that because you're a working person at 19? >> not per se. we love a good themed party at my house, like a halloween party or 4th of july, i don't know if that's a theme-- america! >> stephen: it's a common theme. people have it all on the same day around the nation. but, yes. it's not the most inventive theme. >> i thought it was specific to my family. >> stephen: if you had 4th of july on christmas that would
12:00 am
be crazy, but 4th of july in july is common. do you dress up? >> yeah, we love dress-up partys. we do, like air, christmas party but everybody has to wear, like, all white. i just like a theme. i love a theme. >> stephen: super what. >> bougie. >> stephen: what does that mean? i'm sorry, i don't know. >> bougie means an extra. i'm being really millennial right now. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah. yeah. >> i'm sorry. >> stephen: now, i understand that you actually canvassed for hillary clinton when you were out in nevada. >> di. >> stephen: you're politically involved. >> i traveled to colleges and was talking to men and women about it. >> stephen: and you're an outspoken feminist yourself. >> yeah. >> stephen: why do you, so many young women don't want to say they're feminists? >> i don't know. the word has become polarizing.
12:01 am
i don't know why. i talked to a lot of them during the caucusing time and a lot of them were afraid to say they were feminists and i think we need to get to a point where it's gender neutrality, and not just about feminism and raising one particular sex. you know what i mean? i think we need to make it more neutral because the i think the word has become demonized ( applause ). >> stephen: i won't demonize it, because that would make me bougie. >> you don't want to be bougie. you want to be extra. >> stephen: i want to be cool. >> don't look to me for the cool cards. >> stephen: i always will. see you next year at the met? >> i will throw the wine in your face. >> stephen: "neighbors 2:
12:02 am
so close. it's not always easy to control your enthusiasm. but with unitedhealthcare it's easy to find quick care options and compare costs. that's my husband. let me try this. second time's a charm. oh there goes mine. unitedhealthcare ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ life is a sport. we are the utility. the new ford escape. and you're talking to your doctor about your medication... this is humira. this is humira helping to relieve my pain and protect my joints from further damage. this is humira helping me go further. humira works for many adults.
12:03 am
it targets and helps to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to ra symptoms. doctors have been prescribing humira for over 13 years. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. ready for a new chapter? talk to your rheumatologist. this is humira at work. now a bull rider jumping a bulfrom a planeold. ...while eating a crispety, crunchety butterfinger bar... ...even when his mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...now that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery! butterfinger.
12:04 am
i smbut ended up nowhere.a lot now i use this. the nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release technology helps prevent the urge to smoke all day. i want this time to be my last time. that's why i choose nicoderm cq.
12:05 am
( applause )
12:06 am
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest tonight has hosted shows on three major networks and is now the global news >> stephen: welcome back, anchor at yahoo. her new documentary is called "under the gun." please welcome katie couric. >> stephen: have a seat. >> thank you. >> ( band playing ) ?ae! >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> i am so happy to see you, too. >> stephen: i am-- you know, we're friends, right. >> we are. >> stephen: are we friends? >> i would say we're definitely friendly. we don't really hang. >> stephen: no, i saw you at the bruce springsteen center the other night. >> i saw you at the barkley center. >> stephen: we waved to each other. >> somebody tried to give you cheesecake.
12:07 am
everybody on the pit, on the floor, they were all looking at stephen. the whole concert i spent watching you watching bruce. we went to this springsteen cons expert it was so funny because i wanted to see your concert behavior. >> stephen: what was my concert behavior? >> your concert behavior was very subsued. you were very... >> stephen: well i don't want to-- i know he's up there with the e. street band working so hard i don't want to draw focus from him with my moves. >> i'm very self-conscious at concerts and i don't stand up and dance. i really admire people-- the girls in the row in front of me were smoking some serious weed. >> stephen: i smelled them. that cheesecake was very tempting by the end of the night. ( laughter ). >> you had the munchies. >> stephen: because we're friendly, this is hard for me to say angry i am at you. >> oh, no! >> stephen: yes, because you got to meet his holiness, pope francis. >> i did. that was such a thrill. >> stephen: when did you meet him? >> i was at a scientific
12:08 am
conference at the vatican a week ago and i thought it was very progressive of the catholic church to understand science -- >> yeah the sun goes around the earth. but katie couric, i want to meet the pope, too. >> by the way, don't you love this pope, stephen. >> stephen: i do, but are you a catholic? >> i am not. >> stephen: i am. >> i know! >> stephen: i think it's a sin you get to meet him before i do. >> i know, i felt really guilty about that. but i can just tell you, he was-- i mean, this guy brings eye contact to a whole new level. i felt like he was staring into my soul. >> stephen: katie, i don't know how to break this to you, but he's in a relationship right now. >> i know. >> stephen: a very jealous partner. >> i was hoping he would break up with god but that's not going to happen. his hands were so soft and warm. i'm not being weird, i'm not being weird. >> stephen: you're being a little weird. >> i wanted to say mucho gracias per toto. that's my little spanish because
12:09 am
i think he's been such an exceptional figure for the catholic church. how do you feel about this pope, stephen. >> stephen: i think he's fantastic. that's more spanish than i know. i think he would have-- >> i brought you a present from rome. i knew you were going to be upset -- >> what did you just take out of your shirt? this is cbs now. we're not on cable anymore. this is cbs. >> i took it out of my bra, but i knew you would be upset over meeting the pope-- les moonves, get over it. it's a pope-ener. do you like it? >> stephen: yes. >> listen, that's a very special gift. >> stephen: that is unnervingly warm, for one thing. >> it was not blessed by the pope, though. so it was-- it was blessed by my breast. >> stephen: blessed by your breast, exactly. let's do it. >> yeah, see if it works. >> stephen: hold on, hold on. >> i hope it works. i haven't tried it.
12:10 am
it's a virgin pope-ener. >> stephen: let's see whether it worked. hold on. yeah because when i put it in here that was just water. >> that's funny. >> stephen: thank you very much. we try. we try, you know. that's very nice of you to say. >> that was very funny. >> stephen: you have a documentary you're doing now. it's called "under the gun." >> right. >> stephen: and it's about gun control and the n.r.a. >> yeah, we try on say gun safety. >> stephen: gun safety, not gun control. >> gun safety and gun violence prevention because gun control i think makes people freak out. that's one of the things we discovered, it seems to be such a polarizing issue. >> stephen: it is. you say the word n.r.a. and people start picking sides. >> as you'll see from this clip it's really not. there's much more room, common ground than we really expected. >> stephen: jim, let's talk a look. >> one of the complexities of the n.r.a., is that most gun owners don't want criminals and domestic violence abusers and people who are dangerously
12:11 am
mentally ill to have guns. >> do you think people should have to pass a background check before they can buy a gun? >> yes. >> background check, yes. >> yes, i think people, a background check needs to be done. >> universal background checks. >> yes. >> yes. >> yeah, yeah, absolutely, yup. >> stephen: so was that the most surprising thing you learned? >> well, a lot of-- 74% of the n.r.a. members actually favor universal background checks. >> stephen: which is very close to what the population in general thinks. >> 90% of the population favors universal background checks, and the n.r.a. represents only 5% of gun openers in this country. one of the gratifying thing about this film and many gun openers came up to us after seeing it and said, "thank you so much for showing our point of view." i think one of the things we discovered is the tentacles of the gun lobby reached far and ride. for example, they prevented the c.d.c. from studying gun violence as a public health issue because they don't want the data that will help sort of
12:12 am
bolster any kind of gun safety measure. >> stephen: what do you mean they prevented the-- >> through congress. they passed legislation that says the c.d.c. cannot study gun violence. >> stephen: they can't track gun deaths? >> no. and the a.t.f., they don't have computerized records -- >> alcohol, tobacco, and firearms don't have computerized records? >> no, it's shock. they have to go through it by paper. i think some of the things they've done to prevent even a foundation for a conversation has really hurt sort of the two sides coming together. but i think this film is not antigun, it's antigun violence. i think everybody wants to reduce the number of gun deaths that are happening in this country. ( cheers and applause ) at least your audience does. >> stephen: i'll drink to that. katie couric, everybody. we'll be right back.
12:13 am
has more high-speed data nowthan ever before.reless... we're talking double the data for just 10 bucks more. that's 10 gigs of high-speed data... to stream more video...
12:14 am
more music... more whatever you want! all on america's largest and most dependable 4g lte networks. choose from two great plans: our unlimited plan with 5gb of high-speed data. or double your data for just 10 bucks more. find out more at straighttalkswitch.com ryou know, from car insurance sacompanies shouting, "save $500 bucks over here." "no, save $300 bucks over here." "wait, save $400 bucks right here."
12:15 am
with so many places offering so much buck saving, where do you start? well, esurance was born online, raised by technology, and majors in efficiency. so, they're actually built to save you money, and when they save, you save. that's auto and home insurance for the modern world. esurance, an allstate company. click or call.
12:16 am
( band playing )
12:17 am
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. now, not only have i welcomed you back. i have summoned you back, because as a late-night host, i wield tremendous power. for instance, i can summon the police on a whim simply by driving my car through a senior center. but tragically, there are those even more powerful than i. i speak, of course, of history's most despotic leaders: genghis khan, benito musolini, cara delavigne. these merciless tyrants have but two things in common: absolute authority and a big furry hat! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause )
12:18 am
now that this hat is upon mine head, i am endowed with unquestionable power. this is due to my hat's main attributes-- it's bigness and its furriness. 're. any proclamations i make while wearing the hat are now and forever law. let us begin. ( cheers and applause ) henceforth, turkey bacon is not bacon. it shall be known by it's more accurate name: bird leather. ( cheers and applause ) henceforth, if you can make it back to your driveway before the police pull you over, they cannot give you a ticket. ( cheers and applause )
12:19 am
from now on, your car's cruise control lets you control tom cruise. the hat declares anyone who corrects you for calling a crocodile an alligator will be thrown into a pit of both. if someone upsets you and you don't think of a good comeback until later, you are allowed to whisper it in their ear as they sleep. ( cheers and applause ) "sweet and low" shall be renamed "old and possibly poison." ( applause ) "old and poison." if you are on the second floor, you may not take the elevator down. your only two options are stairs or falling. ( applause ) any guy who spends more than one weekend a month playing paintball is not allowed to get mad when his wife cheats on him.
12:20 am
( applause ) fortune cookies will now be called what they are: non-specific but generally positive prediction treats... in bed. airlines must update their computers. if your technology is keeping my plane in the sky, the check-in person should be able to change my seat in less than 500 keystrokes. ( cheers and applause ) from this day forward, billie joel must finally admit that he did, in fact, start the fire. the hat has spoken! we'll be right back with charlamagne tha god!
12:21 am
omeone got . to the fullbacks... gearheads... and those with green thumbs. to the sticky... the stinky... even those who get a little icky. to all the beautiful mess makers, keep it up... with delta in2ition plus h2okinetic, you can. see what delta can do. nice to meet you! welcome, welcome! today i'm going to show you the all-new 2016 chevy cruze and ask you what you think. but here's the catch. you can only answer in emojis. what emoji would you use to describe the design? sfx:message sent i think it's sexy. mm-mm-mm! it has available built-in 4g lte wifi® sfx:message sent rock on. that's excellent. we got wifi. the cruze offers up to an epa estimated 42 mpg highway. sfx:message sent this car is like a unicorn. it's magical! (group laughing) introducing new mist twst soda popped with juice.
12:22 am
it's a crisp, refreshing twist on lemon lime. insist on the twist. 8 layers of wheat... mini-wheats®... and one that's sweet. to satisfy the adult and kid - in all of us. ♪ nutritious wheat for the adult you've grown into and delicious sweet for the kid you'll never outgrow... feed your inner kidult with frosted mini-wheats®. try new kellogg's mini-wheats harvest delights with sweet drizzle and bits made with real fruit.
12:23 am
12:24 am
,,,,,, whe gets a ready for you alert the second his room is ready. so you know what he gives? i'll give you everything i've got and then some. he gives a hundred and ten percent! i'm confident this 10% can boost your market share. feel me lois? i'm feeling you. boom! look at that pie chart. the ready for you alert, only at laquinta.com.
12:25 am
the seal you can trust. with stain and sealer in one... and easy to choose colors... exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. thompson's waterseal stain and sealer. available at national retailers. ♪
12:26 am
never underestimate the power of energizer. our longest lasting energizer max ever. not yet, i'm... folding the laundry! can you? no... cleaning the windows! the living room's a disaster! (vo) most insurance companies give you every reason to avoid them. plants need planting! well the leaves aren't going to rake themselves! (vo) nationwide is different. hon, did you call nationwide to check on our claim? (vo) we put members first. actually, they called me. ♪ nationwide is on your side nationwide is the exclusive insurance partner of plenti. with provolone, cheddar, pepperjack, and a crispy hash brown. then he announced it to the world in the most legendary way. ah-hem. ♪triple cheeeeeese!
12:27 am
the triple cheese and hash brown breakfast burrito. hurry in before it's gone. ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is co-host of the morning radio show "the breakfast club" and has been called "the hip hop howard stern."
12:28 am
please welcome charlamagne tha god. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) what's up, my sowk brother. >> stephen: nice to see you my south carolina brother. >> our area code is on it. >> stephen: i got a big head. i got a really-- that's even too small right there. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: while i'm fitting this hat you can tell me something? >> yes, sir. >> stephen: why charlamagne? is your real name charlamagne? >> no, my real name is lenard mckelvey. i used to do bad things like sell crack and i never wanted my father to know i was doing that, so when i fiend rolled i would
12:29 am
say my name was charles or charlie and i had a low hat. and i read that charlamagne meant charles the great. and i thought that was cool. >> stephen: first of all, am i rocking the hat. >> you're rocking the hat, baby. you know what's funny? your brother was a teacher at my middle school. >> stephen: wait! did my brother jay teach you? >> yeah. >> stephen: did you sell my brother jay crack? >> no, i never sold him crack. he was a seventh grade social studies teacher. >> stephen: mr. coal-bert. >> mr. coal-bert. why did you get fancy and start calling yourself coal-bear on tv. >> stephen: excuse me, excuse me. ( applause ) excuse me, charlamagne. ( laughter ) why did i get french? why did i get french, charlamagne? >> i said fancy. >> stephen: you're fancy, you're french. and colbert is french. i at least didn't call myself
12:30 am
"colbert tha god." by the way, which tha god, and which god? >> i used to study of five teachings of islam. and genesis chapter 126 said god created man in his image according to his likeness. it gives me something to strive for. >> stephen: that's dog backwards. that's very nice. puts you on top. >> exactly. >> stephen: there's a lot of responsibility being god. >> a lot of pressure, a lot of responsibility. >> stephen: you have a show called "the breakfast club" here in new york, available on i harder road of radio, your cohosts are d.j.envy, and angela yee. and you're the ruler of rubbing people the wrong way, the architect of aggravation. why do you wish to aggravate the
12:31 am
people? >> it's kind of the eminem eight mile theory. you have ever seend the end of "8 mile" where eminem starts rapping about everything they say, and he owned it. i own what people say about me. >> stephen: you say this about other people. you asked p. diddy if he had tupac killed? >> let's put that in context. ( laughter ) there was a documentary out that basically pointed the finger at him and said that he arranged hit on tupac. >> stephen: okay. >> so i figure, you know, the best way to find that answer is just to ask him. ( laughter ). >> stephen: that's good. that's really good. >> i know we're in this industry where nobody just likes to ask the obvious question anymore. >> stephen: you actually asked hillary clinton what she carries around in her bag. and she said hot sauce. >> my cohost said, hot sauce. and i said you know hillary people are going to say you're pandering to black people again. >> stephen: and she said? >> is it working. >> stephen: that's a great answer. >> it was a great, honest
12:32 am
answer. i respect honesty, you know, regardless of whether i agree with it or disagree with it, i respect the fact that people are being honest. the hot sauce was confusing. i didn't feel like she was pandering to black people. i felt she was pandering to people who like hot sauce. >> stephen: jon and i were talking about this the day after it happened and a couple of guys in the band, i did not know hot sauce was associated with black people. >> i did not know that, either. i need a black handboch. do you have the black handbook. >> jon: i didn't know i had to have it today. >> stephen: you guys, no offense, you guys have to got to put that thing up online. >> i'm from the south, we put hot sauce on everything. i'm sure you put hot sauce on everything growing up. >> stephen: i did, i did-- well, not so much. i associate hot sauce with a lot of gulf coast states. we put butter on things. anything could be dipped in concrete and deep fat fried. >> that's what crack is.
12:33 am
we started frying cotain, started frying cocaine -- >> now, you're making my mouth water, my friend. ( laughter ) is this original recipe or extra cracky you're talking about? >> extra tracky. gluten free, too. >> stephen: it's not got the dpliewten in it. i thought you were reaching for crack. i was like what are you doing? you've got beers back there. >> stephen: you want a beer? >> sure. >> stephen: have a little-- hold on, hold on-- >> wow, it's real! >> stephen: we've got to pope it. we have to pope it up here. >> wow! aing toast sosouth carolina. >> stephen: to south carolina. >> absolutely. >> stephen: now, actually tweeted something about me which i'm very happy to hear about i just found out back in january: which is, i like, that but what i really like is the guy down here who responds, @see the god, what is that. what is his occupation. hashtag serious occupation.
12:34 am
i am dedicated this interview to mista nephew nhmg, the real nephew 901. >> i'm sure there are a bunch of people in your audience saying, the black guy from "fast and furious" are on steveo show. >> stephen: that's a great series and movies congratulations on those. >> thank you. >> stephen: charlamagne, good to see you. cheers. to see you. cheers. you can catch him on,,,,,,
12:35 am
(music plays from one way or another )♪♪ ♪ i'm gonna find y♪ i'm gonna getcha ♪ ♪ getcha getcha getcha ♪ one way or another ♪ ♪ i'm gonna win ya ♪ i'm gonna getcha ♪ ♪ getcha getcha getcha ♪ one way or another ♪ ♪ i'm gonna see ya ♪ (inhales cigarette)
12:36 am
12:37 am
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for the show, everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be kate beckinsale, b.j. novak and a musical performance by designer. james corden is up next with his guest, jane lynch. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [cheers and applause] >> reggie: ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ your hang-ups and fears 'bout to set you right ♪ it's the late, late show

136 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on