tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 24, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
[ talking at the same time ] [ laughter ] >> we will see you tomorrow. >> hey, stephen, you got a minute. >> stephen: i'm eating a donut right now. >> perfect, at waffle house do you want to cook waffles, or listen to your song? not this time. stephen? ( laughter ) stephen? >> tonight, stephen welcomes sean hayes brooklyn decker and lewis black featuring jon batiste and stay human.
ing and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert"! captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey! nice to see you. thank you for being here! hey, paula! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody. thanks so much. welcome to the show, everybody. thanks so much for being here.
i'm your host stephen colbert. that's awfully nice of you. anyboyd watch "the bachelorette" last night? i don't watch "the bachelor," you don't like watching women treating each other poorly on camera but i love "the bachelorette" if you like greased up meat slabs who get out of a limo, who look like they were just doing push-ups just before, that was my idea of entertainment. what's up, bro? what's up? hey, what's up? why tonight you back off, bro! okay? bro, why don't you back off? all right. who's out there with donna, okay? is that curt? ( laughter ) what a douchebag.
no, why don't you back off. i could watch that all summer long. ( applause ) hey, hey, skew excuse me, excus. excuse me, diewld, we're talking. do you mind, we're having a moment here. i'm just ready to take it to the next level right now. ( laughter ) i want you to know-- i want you, audience, ton that i'm here for the right reasons. ( laughter ) and i'm ready to take this to the next level. ( cheers and applause ) what's up? what's up? what's up, bro? speaking of meatheads, yesterday, secretary of veterans affairs, bob mcdonald, tried to justify the long waits at v.a. hospitals by saying, "when you go to disney, do they measure
the number of hours you wait in line? what's important is what's your satisfaction with the experience?" ( boo, ) that is ( bleep ) goofy. i think it is outrageous. you can't compare how we treat veterans to disney. for one thing, disney characters get a parade. what bob mcdonald said was -- still waiting. it's coming veterans. i'm sure it's coming. what bob mcdonald said was extremely dopey, and he should feel bashful about it. it made a lot of people grumpy, because when our veterans are feeling sneezy or sleepy, they would be happy if they could just see a doc. ( cheers and applause ) speaking of needing medical attention, the n.b.a. announced today that it has decided not to suspend golden state's draymond green for kicking steven adams
right in the baskettesticals. ( laughter ) and boom goes the-groin-o-mite! i know this is basketball, but draymond green's foot just got to third base! now, green claimed he didn't have the core strength to stop his leg once it started, so, evidently, he had no other choice but to let gravity pull it upwards. i will say this much, draymond green has proven beyond a doubt that he's a baller. do you buy that? is it possible? >> jon: no you. >> stephen: can't believe that, right? >> jon: no, i can't really believe that. >> stephen: as soon as he kickthe guy in the balls he's walking around saying, "i didn't kick anybody in the balls. back off, bro." you know what else is a pain in
the balls, ladies and gentlemen? the t.s.a. now as i told you last week-- when did the t.s.a. become the d.m.v.? they're here to protect us. as i told you last week, many people are spending their vacations in america's scenic airport security lines. well, the t.s.a. has now taken swift and decisive action, and fired their security chief, kelly hoggan. >> a major shake-up at the t.s.a. after seemingly endless security lines anger passengers and congress. >> now, the head of t.s.a. security operations made more than $90,000 in bonuses. he received all that money despite the fact he was in charge when t.s.a. failed to detect fake explosives and weapons 95% of the time during covert testing. >> stephen: yes, under hoggan, the t.s.a. caught only 5% of explosives, but they did manage
to detect 100% of pert plus. ( laughter ) but maybe we're not giving hoggan enough credit here. you don't need to detect explosives. if the lines are long enough, the terrorists will just give up and leave on their own. "aww come on, seriously this is (bleep). i can't wait this long to destroy your civilization. i'm going to the chili's, too." come on, let's go. come on, they've got the jalapeno poppers. let's go. let's go. ( laughter ) i'm not entirely sure what accent i'm doing. i think it might be-- it might be italian. i'm not entirely sure. i'll tell you what, in the meantime, say hi to john batiste and stay human, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ( applause ) >> jon: hey! hey!
( cheers and applause ) regular viewers of the show know i'm a roman catholic. that's the only reason we don't do a show on sundays. now, unfortunately, i'm often too busy for my favorite catholic traditions like praying the rosary or battling that albino monk in the vatican catacombs. but the tradition i miss most of all is confessions. so i was wondering if i could examine my conscience right now with you, the audience. you won't tell anybody right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: thanks. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." ( cheers and applause )
( laughter ) >> stephen: for the record, i'm not sure these are sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back. ( laughter ) forgive me, audience, because i told my staff i was late for work because i was stuck in traffic. but, actually, i don't know what time work starts. ( laughter ) audience, audience, i wear sunglasses on the subway so no one sees me peeking at their text messages. actually, audience, i lied. i don't ride the subway.
( laughter ) i tell everone i'm a foodie, but my favorite food is goghurt. ( laughter ) ( applause ) when i go into a mcdonald's that has the calories printed on the menu, i pretend they're points, and i'm going to win. ( applause ) sometimes i drink scotch just to seem more macho, even though i don't like the taste of it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's like drinking burning dirt.
i tell people i'm claustrophobic just so i can scream in elevators. ( laughter ) audience, i need more patience. i think they're beginning to suspect that i'm not really a doctor. ( laughter ) forgive me, audience. >> audience: we forgive you! >> what about me, stephen? >> stephen: huh? wow, god! hi! >> that's right. what up, "late show"? some good-looking ladies in the crowd tonight! ( cheers and applause ) let's take it to the next level. >> stephen: what can i do for you, lord? >> well, if you don't mind, i've got a few confessions of my own. >> stephen: well, sure, this is kind of your deal. >> okay, let me get into my confessional. ( laughter )
i'm not sure if i can sin against myself, but i feel bad about this stuff. okay, i'll be right back. forgive me, me. last week i heard a really stoned guy say, "you ever notice that god spelled backwards is dog?" and i'll be honest, it kind of freaked me out. i've been feeling really insecure about this rock i made that i can't lift. just too big! there was this one time a long time ago that got really obsessed with dudes cutting off the tips of their penises. i can't remember why that was so important to me. ( laughter ) >> forgive us, audience. >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with sean hayes. >> oh, he's great! that guy's got the goods. ( applause ) ♪ ♪
when a rear hatch remembers your height. when systems can help sense your surroundings. and when cameras change your perspective. that's the more human side of engineering. experience what a lincoln can do for you at the lincoln spring collection event. get a lincoln mkc or mkz for $289 a month or get 0% apr during the final days of the spring collection event.
all the other guys are talking about these days is how good their coverage is. but only one network is giving you more than just great coverage. t-mobile! only t-mobile's lets you stream video and music - for free! not only that, but we doubled our lte coverage in the last year. that's right! our coverage now stacks up with anybody. including verizon and at&t. so now you can get rid of the other guys and get great coverage from t-mobile. we got you covered. and we won't stop! i thought my bladder leakage meant my social life was over. wearing depend underwear has allowed me to fully engage in my life and i'm meeting people.
unlike the bargain brand, new depend fit-flex underwear is now more flexible to move with you. reconnect with the life you've been missing. get a free sample at depend.com. you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. reconnect with the life you've been missing. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm, at three in the morning? who is this? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm? uh, khakis. she sounds hideous. well, she's a guy so... another reason more people stay with state farm. get to a better state.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest is an emmy award-winning actor who played jack mcfarland on "will & grace." he now returns to broadway in "an act of god." please welcome sean hayes. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: back at you. back at you. >> stephen: very few people come on here doing a ray bolger
impression. >> very few people have a ho-down. that's not the only thing. >> stephen: don't tell them what's in the green room. welcome to the barn raising. nice to see you. thank you for being here. >> it's so wonderful to be here. i'm a massive fan of your s. >> stephen: oh, thank you very much. that's very kind of you. >> for many, many years. >> stephen: thank you very much. thank you very much. ( applause ) obviously, i i and everybody here, you saw the reaction to you, i mean, everybody loves you. >> the reaction was me loving you. >> stephen: you think so? >> yeah. >> stephen: some sort of snake with a tail in its mouth. >> that's right. but, yes, the "will & grace" program. that was many, many years ago. >> stephen: 10 years ago. they love you. ( cheers and applause ) >> that was a wonderful time, a blessing. that show was just amazing and it was a-- i felt very proud to be a part of something so important while entertaining. >> stephen: did you know it was important? because when that show first started it was only a couple months after ellen had her
on-screen kiss. >> right eright. >> stephen: and then you were, like, the first hugely popular day character on television, or in a comedy. >> yeah, we always said ellen-- ellen knocked the door down, and we pushed it open or something like that. i can't remember what we said. >> stephen: it's really memorable. whatever it is you said-- >> oh! >> stephen: somebody carved it in stone some place, sean. >> ellen opened the door and we knocked it down. >> stephen: did you feel that at the time? >> no, honestly, i was an idiot, and i was just happy to have an acting gig so it wasn't on my radar to go have an agenda, nor was it the show's intent to have an agenda. it was just -- >> everybody wanted to know-- >> i feel like you're shouting at me. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i have a precious few minutes with sean hayes. >> that's okay. i'm here. we don't have to yell! i'm note going anywhere for seven more minutes!
( laughter ) >> stephen: i have to set my time. >> set it now. it's an egg time gli like them very hard. >> when they're all cooked, that's when they leave. >> stephen: then they're easier to throw. >> that's right. >> stephen: people were sort of obsessively wanted to be if you were actually a gay actor playing a game gey person. why do you think that was so important? >> i'm an actor, lie i still am. i don't say you're a white host. >> stephen: oh, you don't write about the show. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> no, i'm an actor and i'm also a gay guy in the world. what's wrong with that? ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: nothing at all. now you are the lord, god, almighty in "an act of god." >> that's right, that's right. >> stephen: what's it like to play god? >> well, you tell me. i-- it's wonderful. un, the conceit of the show is that god inhabits the body of sean hayes the actor-- thank god evidence available. ( laughter )
and that he has grown weary of his 10 commandments so here are 10 new commandments to present to the audience eight times a week. and it's really great. it answereds all the questions you had as a kid and asks a few new ones as well. >> stephen: and here's a clip. >> one thing i definitely am is a brand. i am an established, well-respected brand, okay. so when i see some backup wide receiver from ( bleep ) university on sportscenter point to me after scoring a touchdown, it cheapens the brand! ( cheers and applause ) >> i have to say, out of all the shows you have to choose from broadway, that one looks pretty entertaining. >> stephen: it sure does. "hamilton." there you go. >> hamilton-schamilton. >> stephen: that's the founder of the universe right there. >> i am on every dollar bill,
not just the 10. >> stephen: in sean we trust. that's what it says at the top. >> that's right. >> stephen: some people-- you did the show in los angeles and san francisco. >> i have time fair lengthy story, i do have time. >> stephen: for a lengthy story? >> yes. >> stephen: as long as it's a good story. >> it's in los angeles and san francisco first and now it's here on broadway. >> stephen: liberal bastions. >> i thought i would hit the conservative cities first, and it was received very well, but something wasn't received very well was this thing i'm about to tell you. i drove to the theater in los angeles, and as i'm driving, i'm, like, oh, my god victor to pee so bad it hurts. >> stephen: it's a show night? >> i was on my way to the theater, or my dance belt was too tight i don't know-- p.s., there's no dancing in the show. and i get to the theater, and finally by the time i get to the theater, now i'm in real pain. i'm like oh, my god, i park the car and go to the bathroom and i pee and i feel great. now it's in my back.
and i yell google appendix, which side is your appendix on? i read somewhere about appendicitis once because i read stuff eye don't want to ruin the end of the story but it turns out your apentdix is not in your back for those of you watching expecting to learn something from me. so i-- so then-- now i'm in, like, excruciating pain. i'm screaming in pain, the kind of pain you don't care who is watching or judging you, you just want the pain to be over, like how you feel about this interview probably. ( laughter ). >> stephen: this was right before the show? >> this was right before the show. i'm like oh, my god it's a half hour before the show. what coy do, call 911? it seems so dramatic to have an ambulance come. that's so over the top. let's do it! i call 911, right, and they wheel me out. i'm so embarrassed, the sirens and everything. and i'm in the back and we're driving to the e.r., the guy, the paramedic says to me really calmly, so you're in a lot of pain?" and i'm rocking back and forth in an ambulance and i collect
myself and calmly respond, "whatever gave you that idea?" we get there and by the time we get there it's over, it's done. there's no more pain. and i was like what the hell is that? it turns out it was a kidney stone, so i never had one before. you have head one. >> stephen: yes, oh, oh! >> yes, right. >> stephen: it's against the geneva conventions. >> they say it's the male equivalent of childbirth. so i'm here to tell you i basically gave birth to a child out of my penis. like, a child -- >> yet another important cultural contribution! another first! >> absolutely. so-- so i-- you know, i held the stone and i rocked him and i felt so proud i cried. i named him "the rock" for obvious reasons, and the nurse -- >> there's the photo of you. >> there's the rock. and the nurse cleaned him off and said, "you can take him home now." so for all the people who had tickets to that show, that
matinee, and you showed up and it was canceled, you can blame the rock. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: well, we're all good now, it's not going to happen on broadway, right? >> wait a minute, no. it's not-- who knows? if we could all predict kidney stones, stefan, it could be quite a while. this for me? >> stephen: it sure is. and this one's for me. "an act of god" is at the the booth theater this saturday through september 4. >> you can't drink that. >> stephen, of course, i can't because i'm too busy drinking you in. sean hayes, "everybody. we'll be right back. seal you ca. with stain and sealer in one... and easy to choose colors... exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. thompson's waterseal stain and sealer. available at national retailers.
[ "dreams" by beck ] hmmmmm... hmmmmm... the turbocharged dream machine. the volkswagen golf gti. part of the award-winning golf family. thisproof of less joint pain and clearer skin. this is my body of proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis with humira. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage, and clear skin in many adults. humira is the number #1 prescribed biologic for psoriatic arthritis. humira can lower your ability to fight infections,
including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. want more proof? ask your rheumatologist about humira. what's your body of proof?
>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest tonight ( cheers and applause ) rose to fame as a "sports illustrated" cover model. she now stars as jane fonda's mother in "grace and frankie." please welcome brooklyn decker. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: that's a beautiful dress. >> thank you. i'm just going to-- just going to give this a yank. >> stephen: no need, no need. >> we're good, right. >> stephen: can we start with one thing here? i love your name, brooklyn decker. >> thank you. >> stephen: it's a very cool name. is that a made-up fancy hollywood name or are you there cool parents? >> it sounds like a stage name, maybe a stripper name, which i'm down with.
but, no, my parents were the original hipsters and my mom's best friend had a horse named brook, and she loved the name, and my dad with his dad joke said, "let's name her brooklyn." it stuck. >> stephen: how did brook become brooklyn? >> my dad felt the need to make it more formal. so i got the name of a borough. i ended up living in brooklyn. >> stephen: dough your brothers and sisters have fun names? >> my brother is jordan and we call him crash. >> stephen: crash decker? >>es yes eyes, because he's been to the emergency room more times than i can count and he's actually a firefighter now, so he's running first into the fire. ( applause ). >> stephen: wow, get in there, crash! >> like, there's no one better than my brother who is completely fear glls older brother or younger brother? >> younger brother. and my dad is stephen. >> stephen: that's nice. >> scumbag steve. not you gli wasn't sure what you meant just now. >> my father we call him
scumbag. >> stephen: because you love him so much? why do you call him scumbag steve? >> my father is like mr. rogers in the flesh, minus the cardigan. he's the sweetest guy on the block so it's only fitting that we call him scumbag. >> stephen: he's a wonderful guy who has raised terrible children, evidently. >> yes. >> stephen: here's one way some of the people out there might know you. here is the cover of "sports illustrated." >> thank you. >> stephen: i know you're acting now. do you still model? >> no. >> stephen: really? >> no, no. >> stephen: why not? you did it very-- you did it very successfully. you did it very well. >> thank you. no, you know, i loved that job very much and it took me to really incredible places, but it's-- it's-- you know it has its setbacks at time. it's tricky. it's the one profession no matter how hard you work, if you're not trending, nothing's happening for you. when acting if you auditiony you go i messed that up.
that's why i didn't get the job. with modeling it's like i'm not cool this year. that's why i'm not employed right now. >> stephen: is it harder to be rejected as a model than as an actress? >> i think so. there's nothing you can do to change anyone's opinion. as an actor you can go in and if you give a good enough performance you might have a chance of getting a job,un. with modeling, you're liked or you're not. >> stephen: what's the weirdest part about being a mod snell what's your day like? when you wake up, what's happening immediately? at what point do you become a model in the day? >> it's pretty good. well, you become a model once you go through hair, makeup, and photoshop. that's really when you become a model. >> stephen: photo its shop, really? >> yeah, that's true. ( applause ) that's true. >> stephen: did they ever do that stuff to you? let's just take her ribs out, okay. can we just connect-- >> here's a little secret. >> stephen: show that to the camera. >> this house was not there. >> stephen: how about this waist? was that waist there? >> see this ab?
that's like the magic of lighting right there. so, thank you, "sports illustrated." but, no, it's a lot of smoke and mirrorses. >> stephen: now that you're an actress working with jane fonda, playing her daughter. >> yes. >> stephen: you have learned anything? has she given you any acting tips? >> i try just not to screw up around her pup know, as an actor you're supposed to play it very cool you know, like, "oh, we're peers and i'm not star struck. we're one and the same." not the case at all. >> stephen: no, no. i am star struck around jane fonda. >> me, too, and lily tomlin, sam water saturday ston, and martin sheen. that's our cast ( applause ) yes. so we're shooting the third season. we've been working together now for quite a while, and i still get star struck. like i still just try not to screw up. so -- >> what is your character's relationship like with jane fonda's character? is it anything like your actual relationship with your actual mother? >> well, jane's character and my character are both very rigid and not great communicators and
very buttoned up, controlled people. my mother is much more like lily tomlin's character, more bohemian, very open and a lot of t.m.i. >> stephen: too much information? >> very much so. >> stephen: what's the latest too much information your mom has given you. >> okay, so i have a child now, i'm a mom. >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you! ( applause ) thanks! getting applause for boning. that's pretty nice. no, but my mom talked to me about how she and my dad would get away with, yo, you know. >> stephen: pipe fitting? >> yup yes! >> stephen: we have to blur you when you do that on cbs. >> do you? >> stephen: she was-- i'm going to say that she was cleaning out-- >> i was pipe fitting, i like that. when my parents were pipe fitting my-- again, t.m.i. my mom is going to kill me for telling this story. they used to say, "we're working
on our finances." so my mom said she and my dad were blurring you-- you know-- ( laughter ) sorry. and from the outside of the door, my little brother who is three years old -- >> so they were pipe fitting during the story. >> correct, correct. and my little brother goes, "what are mommy and daddy doing?" and she hears me, i think i'm five, six years old. "they're working on your finances." so that ruined the mood. ( laughter ) that's the story. ( applause ). >> stephen: you know what, actually. >> that's it. >> stephen: you know what, also, i'll tell you what also ruins the mood, actually working on your finances. >> it does. >> stephen: well, brooklyn, thank you so much for being here. congratulations on the show. season 2 of "grace and frankie" is available now. brooklyn decker, everybody! we'll be right back.
no... cleaning the windows! the living room's a disaster! (vo) most insurance companies give you every reason to avoid them. plants need planting! well the leaves aren't going to rake themselves! (vo) nationwide is different. hon, did you call nationwide to check on our claim? (vo) we put members first. actually, they called me. ♪ nationwide is on your side nationwide is the exclusive insurance partner of plenti. ♪♪ got two jobs to paye a mortgage, ♪ ♪ and i've also got a brain.
♪ life's short, talk is cheap. ♪ i'll be working while you sleep. ♪ ♪ still don't think i've got a brain? ♪ ♪ i took two bullets in the chest. ♪ ♪ got three kids, i never rest... ♪ ♪ so yeah, i've got a brain. ♪ a degree is a degree. ♪ you're gonna want someone like me. ♪ ♪ but only if you have a brain. ♪ (music fades out) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (whispers rocket)
,,,, i'm a customer relationship my namanager with pg&e.er, i've helped customers like plantronics meet their energy efficiency goals. so you save energy and you can save money. energy efficiency and the environment go hand in hand. and i love how pg&e's commitment to the environment helps a community like santa cruz be a better place to live. and being able to pass that along to my family is really important to me. just being together and appreciating what we have right here in santa cruz. see how you can save energy at pge.com. together, we're building a better california.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you. we're back to our entirely digital television show that i'm guessing you are watching o your phone right now. our modern technology is amazing. right now, if i want to turn off a light in my house, i can just take out my smartphone, enter my password, open my connectedhome app, select "lights," select the room i want, and press "off." before, i had to say, "honey can you get the lights?" ( laughter ) ( applause ) and some of the most-- and some of the most dramatic technological advances are happening in self-driving vehicles. of course, they're not availble to the public yet. until that day comes, we just have to do the next best thing: put a bag of flour on the gas pedal and hope for the best. ( laughter )
but the leader in self-driving cars, google, has just announced they filed a patent to reduce injuries to pedestrians hit by those self-driving cars. it's a flypaper-like substance that would make the pedestrian stick to the hood. this is absolutely true. and this is the patent you're going to see right now. here's how it works. first, you're minding your own business, walking directly in front of a self-driving car. and here's the pedestrian getting slammed by the google car and sticking to its surface instead of bouncing off and getting injured further safely locking all of your shattered bones in place until a self-driving google ambulance can arrive and peel you off with one imagines a stronger adhesive. s but it's not just cars oit there. right now, one company is working to put driverless trucks on the road, so soon, you might see the terrifying image of an 18-wheeler barreling down
the highway with nobody at the wheel instead of the comforting image of a sleep-deprived trucker hopped on adderall and paint thinner. white line fever! white line fever! miss you, chris. i don't like this autonomous robot trucker thing. the truck driver represents everything great that is great about america: the open road, one beefy arm out the window, peeing in a gatorade bottle while doing 90. and what about our trucker turned professonal arm-wrestler movies? if a robot trucker is entering an arm wrestling competition in order to win back the love of his estranged son from his evil, wealthy father-in-law, the movie makes no sense. now, i for one, do not want to live in that horrible future. so right now, i am going to warn all of my trucker buddies that the robots are coming.
let me just get on the trucker internet. all right, all right. ( cheers and applause ) ah, breaker, breaker. we have a tin polar bear on the flying donut, and we got a pregnant rollerskate with cyborg miss piggy in the chicken coop. watch out for the gumball machines on the way down to the sticky patch. over? >> roger. gonna keep the shiny side up on this wiggle wagon. >> stephen: come back bubba. we got a bear in the air. you gonna wanna brush your teeth. >> 10-4, good flesh buddy. >> stephen: good flesh buddy? wait, are you a robot? >> negative, plasma sac. >> stephen: okay, is it you're not a roborkt answer a question only a trucker would know. what does an angry kangaroo doing double nickles to a pickle park mean? >> checking data. it is a truck with one headlight
this is claire in phoenix. can i help you? yes! great. correct! ma'am. this isn't an automated computer... operator! ma'am. i'm here. i'm live. wait. you're real? yeah. with discover card, you can talk to a real person in the u.s. day or night. plus, we're not going to waste your time trying to sell you a bunch of other products you don't really need. that is really nice of you. i feel really bad about shouting at you. oh, you weren't shouting. you were just speaking in all caps. at discover, we treat you like you'd treat you. 100% u.s.-based customer service. here to help, not to sell.
,,,,,,,, the seal you can trust. with stain and sealer in one... and easy to choose colors... exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. thompson's waterseal stain and sealer. available at national retailers. ♪ ♪ sc johnson inspired by a true stella brewery closed, auction sale. i am sebastian artois. brewmaster. risktaker. wake up sebastian ♪
,,,,,, mmm. baclet's instabrag.d. honey, jalapeño boom boom, h-how is there no bacon emoji? denny's new honey jalapeño bacon, part of the red white and bacon menu. denny's. welcome to america's diner. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a very funny man and a former co-worker. please welcome lewis black. ♪ ♪ ( applause )
>> stephen: lewis, lewis, lewis. you magnificent bastard. how are you? ( laughter ). >> i'm good. i'm glad to be here. >> stephen: do you remember the first time we met? 1997. yeah. that's when i joined the "daily show" july 2-- june 2, 1997, was the first day i was ever in the office and you were there. >> i was there. i had already established myself as the titan of television. >> stephen: yeah, show wasn't a year old yet, and you were the grand old man. >> exactly. >> ye. yeah i was the only one o stuck around. >> stephen: you're still there, right? >> do you have a job. >> stephen: i'm not competing. >> i'm looking! i'm looking! i think you could use a ( bleep ) sitting over here all the time. someone that when you stop smiling, you can go, "here. look at him." >> stephen: are you still bitter after all these years, lewis? how do you keep the rage fresh? >> i wake up in the morning, i
am severely optimistic, more than anybody can imagine. i believe that today is going to be the day that america figures it all out. i'm convinced of it! we've made every mistake humanly possible, haven't we? so today, just by accident, we might stumble on to the answer. and then i pick up the paper and go son of a bitch! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: lewis, you have nothing, if not range. tonight show you a series of photos we got at random from the internet of you. this is you outside of "the daily show." ( laughter ) this is you at a benefit for the cherry lane theater. this is you on a beautiful spring day. ( laughter ) this is you at your own book signing. ( laughter ) and this is you winning a grammy.
( cheers and applause ) what is it-- what is it-- nothing makes you happy! that doesn't make you happy at all. if winning a grammy doesn't make you happy, what will? >> here's the thing. what's weird is it makes the people happy. like, the photographers -- >> for you to be unhappy. >> when i stand there, when i wait and we do all the photo-- you know the thing, photo, photo, photo. they never use them. you're the first one who's ever shown those photos. they never end up anywhere else. thank you! >> stephen: you're welcome. >> they'll stand this and at the very end i'll do that and they go wow! they love that! people come up to me and say, "will you take a picture and will you give meet finger?" >> stephen: really. >> yes! >> stephen: does that makeue does that make you mad enough to really want to give them the finger? >> it just makes me wonder how-- how-- this is-- i went to the yale school of drama for this? ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: it's a fancy place. so now-- you went to quayle school drama for this. yoyou have "the emperor's new clothes: the naked truth." i'm glad you're here. we asked our twitter followers this past week who have roommates and if they're angry at their roommate, and they don't know how to say how angry they are, or what they're angry about, that we would have you get angry at their roommate for them. >> oh, okay. >> stephen: i've got a few tweets right here. and i'll read you what the tweet is you and you tell me. perhaps you will answer on behalf of this person, are you okay with that? >> absolutely. this could be a whole new living. i could do this every week. i could do this every week. this is from crysta timmerman.
she says, " "former roommate acquired a secret cat and kept it in his bedroom, like it wasn't gonna make noise or something." lewis? >> hey, crysta's roommate. you snuck a cat into your bedroom and kept it there, thinking no one would notice the hissing and the scratching? what were you going to tell them, "sorry, i just have my tv tuned to the imprisoned cat channel"? if cats really do have nine lives, i hope that cat comes back eight more times and craps on your head. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: all right, good, good. >> listen up, buddy. do not text your roomate saying you're on the toilet.
we know everybody does it, but we've agreed to pretend it's not happening. secondly, if you want toilet paper, just post something on tinder saying "squatting loner with no social skills looking for toilet paper daddy." if you find a match, you're meant for each other! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: finally, this is from-- racheal tillman: i walked in on her-- she walked in-- sorry, one second. let me see this one more time. my roommate walked her boyfriend around on a leash like a dog. i wish i was kidding. >> arf! arf! well, rakele, that is disgusting of you to judge two consenting adults. if i'm concerned for anyone it's this poor dog walker who has to deal with having a 17th
century puritan fair roommate! you've got nothing to complain about unless he starts humping your leg. and if he does that, just hit him with a newspaper. word of warning: he's gonna like it. >> stephen: lewis black! thank you, lewis. "the emperor's new clothes: the naked truth" is coming soon to a city near you,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
before earning enough cash back from bank of america to buy a new gym bag. before earning 1% cash back everywhere, every time and 2% back at the grocery store. even before he got 3% back on gas. kenny used his bankamericard cash rewards credit card to join the wednesday night league. because he loves to play hoops. not jump through them. that's the excitement of rewarding connections.
apply online or at a bank of america near you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be james mcavoy, nick swardson, and physicist brian greene. james corden is up next with his guest, anne hathaway. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> reggie: ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight ♪ it's the late, late show (cheers and applause) >> announcer: ladies and ge