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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  July 18, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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>> our next news starts tomorrow morning at 4:30. have a good night! captioning sponsored by cbs >> s h, hi! i didn't see you there. i was just about to catch the late "late show" and watch their live coverage of the republican national convention. what am i saying? i host "the late show" and live means now. oh, my gosh! i've got to think of something fast! got it! hit it, jon! ♪ ♪ ♪ this week you and me ♪ we will witness history ♪ as the r.n.c. crowns their
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orange manatee ♪ ♪ wacky hats, crazy ties worn by thousands of white guys ♪ ♪ an entire airplane hangar filled with donald trump's ex-wives ♪ ♪ we'll see news, ron and rand, maybe members to have the klan ♪ ♪ but no muslims or latinos because i think they've all been banned ♪ ♪ it will be crazy ♪ you can't deny ♪ it's like christmas in july ♪ in cleveland ♪ to the quicken loans arena ♪ it's the finest place you've seen ♪ ♪ it can merely fit the person fired by carly fiorina ♪ ♪ q doesn't stand for queer ♪ though it really doesn't matter ♪ ♪ there aren't many of them here ♪ ♪ it will be crazy ♪ you can't deny ♪ it's like christmas in july (cheers and applause)
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♪ gather around, dancing delegates ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: and there's so much more in store because it's not one night, it's four! ♪ so... ♪ ♪ randall's greatest will campaign ♪ ♪ huffing paint to ease the pain ♪ ♪ and paul ryan will be crying while ben carson juggles brains ♪ ♪ no one's sitting with chris christie ♪ ♪ and mitt romney bunches in to say does anybody miss me ♪ someone's in the bathroom yelling why ♪ ♪ like christmas in july ♪ ♪ ♪ the party of lincoln
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♪ had better start drinkin' ♪ it's like christmas in july ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen! tonight, stephen welcomes zoe saldana! featuring jon batiste and "stay human"! and now live from ed sullivan near to new york city, it's time for the 2016 trump-publican national convention starring donald trump and the republican party! ♪ ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: nice job! right on time! (audience chanting stephen) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you so much! (cheers and applause) thank you, everybody! please, have a seat! oh, what a night! what a night! you can feel it in the air it's absolutely electric out here. welcome to "the late show" live from the ed sullivan theater right here! (cheers and applause) i'm stephen colbert. we're live all week during trump's convention because i want to be the very first one to announce the moment america becomes great again.
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you will feel it in the air when it happens. as a matter of fact, it might have already happened, folks, because on night one, tonight, donald trump entered like this -- ♪ ♪ we are the champions my friend ♪ ♪ we'll keep on fighting till the end ♪ ♪ we are the champions ♪ we are the champions (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (laughter) (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: yes, we are the champions of the world, and we are going to restore conservative american values by entering to the music of a bisexual englishman! (cheers and applause) this is crazy. news crazy. you may not know this but you're not supposed to see the candidate before the nomination, let alone on the first night. that's like the bride not only being seen on her wedding day but jumping out of the cake at the bachelor party. (cheers and applause) and that wasn't the only drama today. there was drama this afternoon as the stop trump movement tried to change the rules so they wouldn't be forced to vote for trump on the first ballot and when that was unsuccessful, the delegates from colorado just walked out, and look at what
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time the colorado delegates walked out -- 4:20, my friends! (cheers and applause) oh, yeah. oh, yeah. yeah, oh, yeah. yeah. 4:20. yeah. oh, this is the perfect time to walk out. they might not have been mad. they might have been a little, say, snacky. (laughter) and there was also another disturbance about an hour and 45 minutes ago when a protester from code pink was escorted from the room by trump supporters southeast that guy? i don't know who the guy is covering her face but not touching her face, he's a biker for trump and i think he's also clearly someone's little brother. (laughter) i'm not touching you! i'm not touching you! you can't tell mom! i'm not actually touching you! (cheers and applause) this is my side! this is my side of the
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convention! don't get on my side. this is my side. i'm not suchin touching you. (laughter) for the record, i was someone's little brother. tonight the official theme of the convention was "make america safe again." it's a major concern. safety, a major concern for the g.o.p. right now because just a few months back, some guy broke in and stole their entire party. they're feeling a little shaky right now. (cheers and applause) like this, like that. smooth, smooth. all right. and keeping with the theme of keeping america safe, i know what you're thinking. i hope chachy from happy days weighed in. well, fear not. >> hillary clinton wants to be president for hillary clinton. donald trump wants to be president for all of us. >> stephen: and scott bale wants someone from tv land to
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put happy days back on! (applause) now, former new york mayor and school bully sidekick rudy giuliani tonight about an hour ago gave a spirited speech with a droning endorsement -- with a strong endorsement of donald trump. >> what i did for new york, donald trump will do for america! >> stephen: yes, donald trump will send all of america's homeless to new jersey to make room for expensive candy stores! yes! (cheers and applause) oh! donald trump will get rid of all the porn and replace it with bubba gump shrimp! (laughter) and headlining, make america safe again, tonight, was noted security expert melania trump who, i just watched it, gave a very impressive speech. just goes to show, behind every great man is -- well, in this
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case, actually, chris christie is that one. (applause) if i stand here long enough, he will definitely make me vice president. i gotta get something for. this i gotta get -- what's happening to me? (laughter) but, of course, instead of chris christie, trump ended up picking indiana governor mike pence as his vice trump -- (audience booing) -- let's all be friends. and together they released the trump-pence logo, which i don't know if you guys have already seen this, it looks like this right there. (applause) now, a lot of people have made fun of it.
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they thought that this "t" here was doing something to the "p" or perhaps the "p" was doing something special for the "t" because it was the "t's" birthday, let's say. i don't know really know. (applause) very nice. but who am i to judge what's going on between two consenting consonants? (laughter) the logo was immediately taken down and replaced with this one. no hard core letter on letter action right there. (laughter) but there was one other logo they considered, touted their strong business experience, and it's the two of them in front of a desk and it's very professional, i think. (cheers and applause) right now, cbs is trying to figure out what part of this they legally have to blur. (laughter) say hi to our jazz delegation,
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everybody! jon batiste and "stay human"! (cheers and applause) (band playing) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i like it. there you go. and last night trump and pence gave their first joint interview on 60 minutes. 60 minutes, of course, the amount of time trump spent erlearning about mike pence before choosing him. (laughter) though it is clear these two already have great chemistry. >> talking with him in private settings, i love the words you used, because this man is awed with the american people and he is not intimidated by the world, and trump, this good man, i believe, will be a great president of the united states. >> i love what he just said. (laughter) (applause)
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>> stephen: hey! hey! hey! hey! hey, get a room, you two! just not the oval office. okay? and check it out, they gave the interview in trump's penthouse apartment while sitting on these giant golden chairs. i'm beginning to believe trump's fixing the economy means melting down his dinette set. wil(laughter) the two kept finding things they have in common last night. >> i've read, very low key, very religious. you're a brash new yorker. >> religious. ? yeah, religious. hey, i won the evangelicals. >> that doesn't mean -- well, i think it means a lot. >> stephen: to quote our lord and savior jesus christ... wow. (applause)
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that guy's got some loaves and fishes, if you know what i mean. yes, trump won the evangelicals which proves he's religious, the same way you prove you're a family man if you eat a family sized tub of cheese balls. but leslie found some things the two disagreed on. >> do you think john mccain was not a hero because he was captured. >> i have a great deal of respect for john mccain. >> do you think he went too far? you can say yes. you can say yes on that one. that's fine. >> stephen: tell her what you really think. it's fine, my man. you can answer. i'm not going to get in the way. next question. next question. (laughter) now, you would think, personally, i think pence would have more empathy for mccain because after this interview he clearly knows what it's like to be held prisoner. (applause)
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you can talk, you can talk. go ahead around talk, make the sounds with your mouth and the lippy flap. (laughter) trump's finest moment is when he today up to leslie's bullying. >> you're not known to be a humble man. >> i think i'm much more humble than you would understand. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, i'm humble. how many buildings do i have to put my name on before you understand how humble i am? i'm the humble most lex surously, self-effacing, big-leg model man, believe he, i belong to the four-stare admiral humble club which, leslie, you would never get in, you're a six at best. (laughter) we'll be right back hopefully with an old friend. i feel my basic cable senses tingling. stick around! (cheers and applause) (band playing) basic cable senses
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(cheers and applause) (band playing) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! i am very excited about what happened this week. i'm really excited about what's going to happen this week because we don't know what's going to happen this week. how can we guess what will happen when we can't begin to explain how we got here? (laughter) how did donald trump get the nomination? i know i can't explain it. but i think i know somebody who might be able to. excuse me. i'll be right back. hold on. i'll be right back. don't go anywhere. i'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(knocking) >> not pokeémon anymore. go play with your friends somewhere else. >> stephen: it's me! come on in! let's get some jerky, i'm making it myself! >> stephen: no, i know you and your beard are very busy these days but i'm here to tell you it's the republican national convention this week. >> no, i think they had one of those four years ago! >> stephen: they're doing another one. you won't believe the nominee. >> jeb bush will be the great nominee. >> stephen: john, it's not jeb. i'm going to tell you who the candidate is. >> before you tell me, i'm a little parched, if i may.
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>> stephen: want to take a little -- >> just enough to wet the whistle before you tell nee nominee. so before you say the name, if you don't mind, i wouldn't mind bringing liquid -- >> stephen: because you don't know. ready? >> yeah. >> stephen: it's donald trump. (laughter) >> stephen: yep! the guy from the a(theties? >> stephen: yep. the guy who did the mcdonald's commercial? >> stephen: same guy. the guy who filed bankruptcy in 1991. >> stephen: and '92. and 2004. >> stephen: and 2009. that guy, mike tyson's business advisor, that guy? >> stephen: indeed, the same guy. >> the guy whose eyes look like tiny versions of his mouth. >> stephen: decomposing jack-o'-lantern. >> a guy who looks like here's wearing a donald trump costume. >> stephen: yes, a loose fitting one. that's the gierchlts a guy who
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wrote "oftentimes when i was sleeping with one of the top women in the world, i would say to myself, can you believe what i am getting?" >> stephen: yes, the same guy who said "i have black guys counting my money, i hate it. the only guys i want counting h my money are short guys who wear yamakas all day ." >> that guy. >> stephen: yes. by the way, we wear them all night, too. >> stephen: you understand what i'm asking for. i'll wait. (frantic muttering and screaming) >> the guy from the republican convention. that guy. >> stephen: hello, friend. i'm sorry i can't help you, jon and i are very happy living off the grid, making jerky and canning our own urine for the end times. >> you said it was gatorade. >> stephen: i'm sure jeb bush will be a fine candidate.
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>> it's not jeb, actually. i thought it was going to be jeb a few years ago. but different guy. >> stephen: who is it? wet your whistle before you do. >> stephen: really? yes. >> stephen: let me get a mouthful. >> it's donald trump! >> stephen: what! yes! >> stephen: get out of my way! call me if you're going to be late! oh, that's good urine. (i can'i can't (yankee doodle dandy playing) (cheers and applause)
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(audience chanting) >> stephen: yes! hello, nation! (cheers and applause) did you miss me? i know i did. well, it's time to say aloha to stephen colbert, and aloha to stephen colbert. (cheers and applause) wow, look at this place, the host must have quite an ego. let's fix it up, jimmy! ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause) that's better. want to do this thing? ready to do this thing? is this where it's going? all right. nation, right now, americans are angry, confused and lashing out randomly, and that's just the republican nominee.
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a lot of folks are wondering how america, god's girlfriend, ended up in a relationship with this guy. well, shhhhh! daddy's here. i know a lot of you are out on the ledge right now. when i'm done, i promise, you will be jumping for joy. because this is just the brave new world of american democracy, and it brings me to tonight's word. (cheers and applause) trumpyness! (cheers and applause) folks, let me tell you, people who don't support trump feel like the world has gone crazy. well, get in line. (laughter) because the people who do support trump have felt that way ever since the manufacturing jobs started going to china. and remember, elections aren't
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about what voters think. it's about what voters feel. and right now at least half of americans feel their voices aren't being heard! (laughter) let me tell you, folks, that goes for both sides, whether they be strong conservatives or morally bankrupt liberals! (laughter) think about this -- just consider why people stood behind bernie sanders. you see, bernie, he understood their emotions. no one said, i think the bern. they said, i feel the bern! (laughter) now, just to remind you, 11 years ago, i invented a word, truthiness. you see, truthiness is believing something that feels true even if it isn't supported by fact. truthiness truthiness. right? (cheers and applause) truthiness comes from the gut, because brains are overrated.
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you know who had a brain? (laughter) i'll tell you. adolph hitler. so, naturally, brains aren't good. naturally, i admire this man. in fact, i see myself in him. we're both over the top tv personalities who decided to run for president. but i had mitt, ladies and gentlemen -- but i admit, ladies and gentlemen, i'm humble enough -- (cheers and applause) -- i'm humble enough to admit he has surpassed me now. truthiness has to feel true, but trumpiness doesn't even have to do that. in fact, many trump supporters don't believe his wildest promises and they don't care. (laughter) yes! they don't keep if he won't keep his wildest promises! and if he doesn't have to mean what he says, that means he can
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say anything. (laughter) and here's the deal -- truthiness is from the gut but trumpiness comes from much further down the gastrointestinal tract. (cheers and applause) i want to be clear about something -- his supporters know about this. his supporters aren't dumb. take the border wall. at a rally, last month, trump said we're going to build a wall andeth going to be a real wall. one of his supporters said i think if he strengthens the borders, it will be the same building the wall. the wall can be built even without having to be built. yes, if you can feel the wall you don't have to see the wall. (laughter) i want to be clear about this. these rejet matily angry voters don't need a leader to say things that are true or feel true. they need a leader to feel
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things that feel feels! (laughter) and that is why i believe donald trump is a leader for our times, an emotional mega phone for voters full of rage at a government that achieves nothing, an economic system that leaves them behind and politics that elects people unfit for the job. and if you don't share their feeling that you don't recognize your country anymore, trust me, if trump wins, you will. and that's the word. that other guy will be right back after these commercials. stick around. (cheers and applause) (band playing) that other guy will be right back after these commercials. stick around. (cheers and applause) (band playing)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thank you so much! folks, that was exciting. it was really great. it was really great to see jon stewart again. you know what would be nice? to have that happen again some time this week.
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(cheers and applause) now, my first guest tonight has starred in some of the biggest movies of all time, her latest, "star trek beyond." >> stephen: please welcome zoe saldana! (cheers and applause) (band playing)
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>> stephen: you like the place? >> these are all your friends? >> stephen: these are all our friends. they're your friends, too. aren't you her friends, also? (cheers and applause) we only let the nicest people in here. >> i can tell. thank you! >> stephen: i'm going to fan boy on you in just a minute because i'm an enormous fan of your movies and performances. but since this is a convention night and that is the theme of our week, do you follow politics at all? >> i am. i do have 20-month-old twins. >> stephen: you seem concerned. >> i'm worried. i don't know. this is the first time as an american that i'm looking out, you know, and i'm sort of
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thinking, i'm a little worried. >> stephen: it's going to be okay. i promise you. whoever wins, there is a good chance that this time next year there still will be a united states of america. >> okay. >> stephen: that's fairly certain. >> okay, good. because i'm a little bit of an extremist. i'm an actress, right, dramatic by nature. >> stephen: drama -- queen! uh>> uh, yeah. >> stephen: you have 20-month-old twins? >> yeah. >> stephen: how do you get anything done? >> caffeine. >> stephen: i'm all for it. a husband i boss around, michael, do this and that! i'm the best at going, oh, hi, hey! can you hold here? i'm really good at that. and i love the kindness of strangers. it's amazing. >> stephen: so you hold your baby to strangers sometimes. >> i do. did i mention i have
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20-month-old identical boy twins. >> stephen: yes, i can inswhy you're worried. lets talk about "star trek beyond." i'm a huge fan of the series and the two movies you've done and your performance also. >also. thank you. >> stephen: i'm so sorry to hear the passing of anton. you guys were together nine years working on these films together. >> yes, he had just turned 18, the i didn't thinkest member of the crew and i feel like he was the wisest one. it's a terrible loss. we're mourning. he's irreplaceable and kind, and he loved what he did. i'm here today and the rest of the cast and j.j. and justin were here promoting the movie mainly for him because he would have wanted that. >> stephen: well, i love his performances.
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(applause) i think all of these movies have such a hopeful, forward-looking quality to them. it's not just science fiction. it's the science fiction of my youth where the future is so bright you've got to wear shades! did you -- >> well, i mean, it always sparks these amazing conversations at my house. whenever we talk about shows like star trek, can you imagine -- because, like, barack obama mentioned being a fan of the eshow, that maybe this is one of the shows that inspired him to believe that he could actually be president of the united states of america. >> stephen: i'm not the first person to say she part vulcan. >> he is part vulcan. >> stephen: a very logical, very cool demeanor. >> take the creator of star trek, he was a cop and very disappointed and just moved by what he was seeing in the world at his time, that he created this concept of something of
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what he would have liked to have seen life to be. here we are 50 years later, and it continuously inspires people. so i do believe that art has the ability to inspire and to inflict hope on people. i like taking on that responsibility and being a part of good work. >> stephen: were you a science fiction fan when you were younger? >> yes, but not of star trek. >> stephen: okay. jimmy, let's edit that part out of the interview, please. what did you like? >> my mother watched. i would like when she would share the anecdotes of why star trek was so special to her. i was of a different generation but i knew it was big. >> stephen: that's a very polite way of saying you're much younger than i am. >> i have no idea. we look like of the same time? >> stephen: same time period. (laughter) you could be from the same century, the two of you!
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wow! what was eisenhower like? >> we're doing good. >> stephen: you have been in some of the greatest science fiction projects of all the time. star trek, and guardians of the galaxy. gamora is an incredible character, and avatar, which i understand you're making more of them. >> four more. >> stephen: four more? yes. i'm 38 now. i don't mind. >> stephen: yeah, we're the same age. yeah, yeah. >> i think i'm going to be shooting my space movies until i'm, like, 45. >> stephen: oh, wow -- that old. (laughter) thank you so much for being here. (cheers and applause) "star trek beyond" in theaters july 22. zoe saldana, everybody! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) and applause) "star trek beyond" in theaters july 22. zoe saldana, everybody! we'll be right back!
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(cheers and applause) (band playing) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! thank you so much! these conventions can be fun to watch, but for the people involved it is a blood sport that we just watch. it is bare-knuckle brawling. it's like the hunger games. no, it's worse than that. it's -- the hungry for power games! (cheers and applause) ♪ ha ha! i have arrived at the 2016 republican national hungry for power games! quicken loans arena, named for a money lender so you know it's ruthless! cacaligula, let's go! this year's power games are a big tent. of course, all races and creeds are w welcome this year, unless you want to go up to the executive suites, in which case
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you will want to use the white elevators. (laughter) ha ha! welcome to the arena, citizens! so grand, it can almost hold donald trump's entire head. (laughter) what's that? yes, yes! oh, oh! let's go! the red carpet, of course, is here to hide the rivers of blood that will eventually pour down from the cornucopia, when donald trump, flanked by his two eunicks take the stage, paul ryan and reince previous who clearly checked their balls at the front door. one seat was saved for chris christie to have the best possible view of the end of his career. you wouldn't mind. there you go. four score and seven years ago
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our fathers brought forth -- who wrote that? that's fresh! excuse me. >> i'm about to go live. >> stephen: i apologize. do they led tel -- let telemundn here? >> yes. >> stephen: answer a question for me -- (speaking spanish) -- donald trump or hillary clinton? >> no comment. >> stephen: is that spanish? i don't understand. (speaking spanish) >> stephen: sounds delicious but i'm full. north carolina staged themselves steekcally next to the boothrooms so they can check people's genitalia before they cast their ballots. i have a weasel in my pants. chuck todd! have matt lauer washed and brought to my tent! my weasel wants to make love to
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your goatee! meanwhile, liberal washington state positioned itself next to the bathrooms male, female and pis ridate. anything goes! only one thing left to do and on the one thing i was not supposed to do it. (cheers and applause) 2016 hungry for power games! ha ha! beautiful! this week in this arena, the republicans have proved they are truly passionate about one candidate, hillary clinton! they would do anything to stop her up to and including nominating donald j. donate jamison trump! but trump will not enter the arena alone, no! he has formed an alliance with indiana governor mike pence! (laughter) sorry, i blacked out there for a moment. so it is my honor to hereby
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launch and begin the 2016 republican national hungry for power games! look, look, i know i'm not supposed to be up here, but let's be honest, neither is donald trump! we'll be right back with more of our live convention specials! stick around! (cheers and applause) ♪ trump! we'll be right back with more of our live convention specials! stick around! (cheers and applause) ♪ with incredible offers on the mercedes-benz you've always longed for. but hurry, these shooting stars fly by fast. lease the cla250 for $299 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. i'm not a customer, but i'm calling about that credit scorecard. (to dog)give it. sure! it's free for everyone. oh! well that's nice! and checking your score won't hurt your credit.
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(cheers and applause) (band playing) ,,,,,,,,
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>> stephen: and now an important moment about our political conventions. ♪ >> good evening. i'm jim waterson. this is a monumentally important time in american history, which is why tonight we are here at the national hall of importance where we enshrine the most important events in our nation's history, the signing of the declaration of independence, the moon landing, the first plankton. thank you for your service. tonight we take an important look at the democratic and republican national convention, a time for people to come together and celebrate the best in democracy.
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but many forget their shocking dark side. the 2000 democratic national convention in los angeles began as a peaceful affair but ended in tragedy when al gore, starving and delirious from non-stop campaigning, took the stage and attempted to eat his wife's face. (laughter) truly, an inconvenient smooch. and who can forget the chicago 1968 democratic convention when mass panic erupted after a kentucky delegate knocked over a beehive, swarming the streets with enraged bees? no matter how hard the police tried to knock the bees off the citizens, it didn't seem to help. of course, the 1924 republican convention was the first to be broadcast on radio, and the new technology incited mass hysteria when americans heard calvin
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coolidge's voice and assumed he was a ghost trapped in their walls. inescapable chaos and uncertainty such as this that once made benjamin franklin remark, if being president means going to a convention, i'd rather be struck by lightning. hang on -- that gives me an idea (turned crashing) where the national hall of importance, i remain sam,,,,,,,,
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow for more live convention and keegan-michael key, kathryn hahn and naf. stick around for james corned -s corden and his captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org -- james corden and his captioni ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun. ♪ and feel the love tonight. ♪ ♪ it will be all right. ♪ it's the late, late show. ♪.

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