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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  August 26, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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late show with stephen colbert is next. >> make it a good weekend. >> if you're a twin, you can expect to live longer than your non-twin counterparts. and if you're an identical male twin, you might live even longer. >> stephen: i did not know that. >> stephen: well, well, well, seems you'll be stuck with me for quite a long time. >> stephen: and the same goes for our twin kitties. >> stephen: hey, guys. did they say anything about how long triplets live? >> stephens: yes. ( gunfire ) >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes rachel weisz. kevin smith. and spike feresten. featuring jon batiste and stay human.
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and now, from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colber captioning sponsored by cbs ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. ( cheers and applause ) how are you? ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody. thanks down here. that's a fantastic. what a lovely crowd. you can tell a friday crowd when you hear one.
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there's no-- you can't-- you cannot fake that. >> jon: right, yeah. >> stephen: you know that'sed friday. welcome to "the late show." i'm stephen colbert. your host this friday. folks, it's friday. ( applause ) ♪ it's friday it's friday oh ♪ it's friday ♪ >> stephen: i don't know what song you're dancing to but i like it. now, i have a quick word of warning before we get started tonight. tonight's monologue was created in a factory that also processes peanuts. and it's important to say in case anyone has an allergy. especially now, because mylan, the company that produces these epipens right here-- anybody use one of these? they have jacked up the price of these pens from less than $100 for a pair, to over $600 bucks. yeah, that price is enough to send you into shock, but don't
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do it because you can't afford the pen anymore. now, mylan pharmaceuticals claims the price, "has changed over time to better reflect the value the product provides." ( laughter ) now, to be clear, that value is saving the lives of people who can't breathe. or as mylan likes to call them, "gasping, cash-filled meat sacks." ( laughter ) now all of this, you know, hiking up of medicine, reminds a lot of people of a guy named martin shkreli, the pharma-bro who jacked up the cost of h.i.v. drugs by 5,000%. can we put up a picture of skhreli? that was a close one. i'm severely allergic to douche. ( cheers and applause ) and when asked about mylan,
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shkreli certainly had something to shkrell about it. >> these are life-saving drugs. people don't have a choice whether they can buy them or not. >> yeah, well, that's up to insurance to pay for them. like i said, it's $300 a pen. $300. my iphone is $700, ok? >> but you don't need an iphone to exist. >> yeah, that doesn't matter though, because it's $300 and 90% of americans are insured. >> stephen: okay, i've got two problems with that: his total heartlessness, and her assertion that it is possible to exist without an iphone. so does she have a galaxy? i don't understand. well, after starting a firestorm, yesterday, mylan's c.e.o., heather bresch, came forward to address the criticism. >> heather, surely you must understand the outrage. the american medical association has said this is basically the same product it was in 2009, and yet the price has gone up 300- or 400-fold. >> so, look, no one's more frustrated than me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: she's frustrated!
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i mean, the tone-deafness of that just takes your breath away. and getting your breath back will cost you over $600 bucks. ( cheers and applause ) now, in other news-- ( cheers and applause ) in other news, the f.b.i. is investigating whether russian intelligence agencies have hacked the computers at the "new york times." or, as the "times" reported it, "putin named world's sexiest leader." ( laughter ) oh, here's a new occupational hazard to worry about now: if you play the bagpipes-- and who amongst us has not dabbled-- watch out that you don't get what doctors are calling "bagpipe lung." that's when the mold and fungi lurking inside your bagpipe trigger coughing, shortness of breath, and even fever. i mean physical fever, not bagpipe fever. which we all have.
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this is according to an article in a medical journal called-- and this is true-- "thorax." i'm a subscriber. i keep it on my coffee table between the latest issue of "ant head" and "wasp abdomen." ( laughter ) bagpipe lung-- took a while for that to sink in? took a while to remember your eighth grade biology class? all right. footnotes for everybody. what's going on here, bagpipe lung can be tricky to diagnose. it's hard to distinguish a hacking cough from just a scottish accent. "och, let's go to loch lomond and eat some potted hough." ( cheers and applause ) more scottish this week in other news-- yes, there is other news other than bagpipe lung. this week, mcdonald's recalled
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millions of fitness bands because they contain dangerous levels of irony. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's in the happy meal. in the happy meal. i'll wait. i'll wait. ( applause ) mcdonald's recalled the wristbands after they left people with burns and blisters-- which, technically, is the job of their apple pie filling. any "lord of the rings" fans out there? ( cheers and applause ) me, too. well, a story just came out about napster billionaire sean parker's "lord of the rings"- themed wedding back in 2013. here's what happened. sir ian mckellen has revealed that he turned down $1.5 million to officiate the wedding as gandalf, saying, "i am sorry, gandalf doesn't do weddings." damn right! gandalf doesn't have time to marry you, sean parker! he is the servant of the secret
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fire, wielder of the flame of anor. he killed the mothertruckin' balrog, after chasing the ancient immortal demon through the tunnels of khazad dum until they climbed the peak of zirakzigil where he smote the demon's ruin on the mountain side. ( cheers and applause ) yeah! no, i'm mad! i'm angry now! and you know-- did you know, gandalf himself died and then returned from the dead as gandalf the white. and why? so he can marry the napster guy?! no! napster hasn't been a thing since the earindel flew vingilot to valinor. if you invite gandalf to do the wedding-- besides, listen, if you invite gandalf, gollum's going to want to be the ring bearer and somebody's losing a finger. ( laughter ) now say hello to the fellowship of jon batiste and stay human! ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: my, my. ( applause ) ( cheers ) fantastic. fantastic. i am so excited it's friday. jon, do you have any plans this weekend? >> jon: oh, wow, this weekend-- >> stephen: did you stump you? did i stump you? >> jon: yeah, i did. i didn't realize we weren't done with the show yet. i'm in show mode. >> stephen: and show mode, you don't know what you're doing later? >> jon: show mode i don't know nothing. i just know bumper. then bump in. then guest. walk-on. bump-out. good night. go home. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's a good description of the show. >> jon: i'm not thinking about the weekend yet. >> stephen: that's what it
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actually says in the little digital guide on your cable. bump in, bump out, guest walks in, go home. >> jon: no, no, guest walks out, good night, go home. >> stephen: all right, i've got a lot to learn, evidently. you know, as the host of a talk show, i wield unlimited power. for instance, any time i want, i can remind you of the cool, refreshing taste of bud light. but you know what? i would never do that. because that's an abuse of me power. weekend is starting soon. and yet, there are those even more powerful than i. history's most despotic leaders. people like genghis khan, kim jong il, and spike lee. oh, do not cross him, or he will sentence you to play for the knicks. these merciless tyrants have but two things in common, and one of them is a big furry hat! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now that this hat is upon mine head, i am endowed with unquestionable power! this is due to my hat's two main attributes: its bigness, and its furriness. any proclamations i make whilst thusly en-hattened are now and forever law. let us begin. ( cheers and applause ) henceforth, whenever i order a
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side of fruit with my omelette, the waitress shall accidentally bring me hashbrowns. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) from this day on, actor paul rudd must begin aging like the rest of us. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i hereby decree, anyone who says, "it is what it is," will be hit with it and not told what it was. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) anyone who brags about his or her standing desk shall be forced to use a standing toilet. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i declare that any child who kicks the airplane seat in front of them may be used as a flotation device. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
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let it be written that if a neighbor asks you to pick up their mail, you are allowed to open it first. ( laughter ) by the way, grandpa batiste, thank you for the $25. ( laughter ) i'll be sure-- i'll be sure jon gets it. every fifth popsicle stick must have an adult joke. ha-ha, yeast infection. ( applause ) someone must finally explain why it's okay to bury somebody alive at the beach but wrong when you do it in the woods. the hat has spoken! we will be right back with rachel weisz.
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an oscar-winning actress you know from movies like "the constant gardener," "the mummy," and "the lobster." she now stars in the new movie, "complete unknown." please welcome, rachel weisz! >> hello! good evening. one kiss. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: just now i gave you
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one kiss or you gave me one kiss and you said, "one kiss." >> yes. >> stephen: is that because two was an option? >> i was told that if i was going to give you two, i should let you know in advance, but i didn't have time to. >> stephen: somebody backstage actually said, warn him if you kiss him twice? >> yes, because i'm such a good girl. i was like, i'm not going to screw things up on stephen colbert, i'm going to do one kiss. i thought if i gave two, it might throw you off. >> stephen: let's find out. one! >> two. >> stephen: that's three. that's three. ( cheers and applause ) >> three. you don't have any lipstick. >> no lipstick. >> stephen: okay. the results are in. and it threw me off. because i'm a huge fan of yours. your performance in "the constant gardener" obviously you won the oscar for that, but as i told your husband when he was was here, daniel craig, it was one of the most beautiful, subtle, nuanced performance i have ever seen.
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>> thank you, my goodness me, thank you so much. >> stephen: thank you, thank you. and now your new film is called, let me get this right, "complete unknown." >> yes. >> stephen: and you play a woman who actually has multiple identities. >> yes. >> stephen: who is the character and why is she doing this? >> she is an impostor. she has a pathological need to become people for many years. so, she will, for five or six years, change her name, her social security number, her profession, fake diplomas, fake college degrees, and say, "i'm a nurse and have these diplomas," and go live in a new city, with a new name, with a new sartorial look. >> stephen: is she running from the police? why is she doing this? >> no, she's not. she's just pathologically unwell. ( laughter ) >> well, i mean, to point out the obvious, you're an actress, and you do that professionally. ( laughter ) is there anything--
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>> aahhh! >> stephen: is there-- i mean-- >> i hear you. >> stephen: it's an obvious question, obviously, but is there anything about your love of acting, inhabiting other people's personas, that is pathological, you think? >> it's really-- i hear what you're saying-- but it's really different being an actor. yeah, because i go home every day to my family and my-- my real life. and when i've been on the stage or i've been on the set making a movie, everybody knows they have to make up lies, right? there's a contract. >> stephen: right, right. >> we're lie-making together. whereas this woman in the film is just doing it on her own. she's writing her own script. she's making her own movies. >> stephen: and how many different identities do we see? >> nine. >> stephen: is this like "cybil" or something, where there are different accents? >> my character does not have different accents, though. she just has-- she stays in america, yeah. >> stephen: okay. >> she's american. >> stephen: she's american.
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>> like me! yeah, she's american. >> stephen: are you american? >> no. >> stephen: i don't know, because sometimes people are born here and move over to england and get the speech impediment, but they come back-- ( laughter ) they can't break it. they can't break it. they can't break it. you said earlier that, like, i-- you said, "we were lying together. as actors, actors lying together." are you a good liar? >> no. >> stephen: really? >> i'm terrible. >> stephen: that's what a good liar would say. >> you got me there is there did >> stephen: did you lie as a child? did you make up stories and stuff like that? >> yeah, but in my head, on my own. i didn't, like, spread them. spread the lies. are you into lies? >> stephen: i loved it. i loved lying. >> did you. >> stephen: i loved the idea. i would lie to anybody on a plane. i would lie what my occupation is, what i do. >> what did you say? you can't do it anymore because you're very recognizable. >> stephen: no, i can't anymore. >> what a shame. >> stephen: it was a lot of fun. >> like what?
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>> stephen: if it was a young guy on the plane, "what do you do for a living?" "i run a security firm. we just do modeling shoots. we just make sure the young, beautiful models can get from place to place." and they're like, "that's the greatest job in the world!" "yeah, it's pretty cool. it's how i met my wife. how i met my wife, yeah." ( applause ) i said-- we have to take a little break here. you can stick around? >> you aroused envy. >> stephen: i aroused envy? that's not all i aroused. we'll be right back with more rachel weisz. get to kohl's now for great savings on all the denim your kids want! get every shade of blue and even polk-a-dots too! plus yes2you rewards members earn 1 point for every dollar spent. get a $5 reward for every 100 points! now that's the good stuff. kohl's. sorry...
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>> after 15 years pretending to be someone else, i infiltrate his dinner with another name. >> stephen: we're back with
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rachel weisz. and in the film, "complete unknown" that we were talking about before the break, also in the film is michael shannon, who plays a man who is-- well, he's hip to your game. >> yeah, he knew me 15 years ago when i was somebody-- before i started reinventing myself. >> stephen: is the person he knew, the real you? >> yes. >> stephen: wow. >> yes. and i show up at his dinner party, at his birthday party with another name. and i say, "hi, i'm jenny." and he's like, "what?" >> stephen: and he says the following. jim? >> you know they used to lock the building on sundays to make us stop practicing and get out of those tiny piano studios. i didn't know what to do with myself. i went across town, and i remember seeing the list of all the different departments you guys had. i mean, you could study anything. you looked at me so differently when i told you the truth about--
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>> i was impressed. i liked who you were. >> stephen: is he-- ( applause ) does he-- can he accept that you've done all this in the 15 years since you've seen him? >> yes. and he, by the end of the night-- it all takes place in 24 hours, the main part of the movie-- he's kind of jealous, and he sort of toys with the-- he's jealous. he kind of feels like this would be kind of a cool thing to do. >> stephen: because you can become anything you want. >> it starts by being crazy to him, and then it becomes appealing. >> stephen: again, like an actress. it seems a crazy thing to do, but then if someone is good at it, it's very attractive. >> thank you. ( applause ) >> stephen: you're also doing-- very attractive. you're going to be on broadway again? >> no, downtown new york at the public theater. >> stephen: oh, the public theater. sure, what are you doing there? >> doing a play called "plenty." >> stephen: david hair.
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>> yes, and he wrote the screen play for "denial." >> stephen: "denial." that's very nice. you performed in the west end in london, right? >> yes. >> stephen: and you performed in america. what's the difference between the audiences? with the lights off, can you tell the audience-- the differences between the audiences? >> yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: are you willing to share what the difference is? >> yes. ( laughter ) it's an audio thing. i mean, you can hear it with the lights off. so, number one, a very simple thing in america, when people have reached a certain kind of celebrity come on the stage-- >> such as yourself. >> possibly even in the middle of a scene, walk on, the audience claps. it's called troving. >> stephen: you come in and say, "i caught you cheating," or whatever. and the audience goes, "whoa! that's rachel weisz." >> you've seen plays on broadway. >> stephen: sure. you're on broadway right now. >> in england that doesn't happen. >> stephen: they don't give it up for stars?
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>> never, ever. >> stephen: they make you earn it every time. >> they make you wait until the end. >> stephen: we'll let you know if it's good at the end. which one do you prefer? >> i'm just more used to the british one because i lived there longer. and sometimes american audiences can be more vocal about how they're feeling about the play. ( laughter ) it's true. >> stephen: "you're doing a great job!" >> yeah, or the reverse. >> stephen: "you suck!" >> well, i did a play in 2002, i think it was, and it was uptown at the promenade theater. it was the first time i did a play here and i was playing a character who was not nice at all. and oftentimes, they would be-- you know, it sounded like more older ladies from uptown, from the upper west side. i would hear them say to their friends during the play, "oh, she's such a bitch." really! >> stephen: wow. hopefully you get the same with the public theater. good luck. it was lovely to meet you finally.
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>> nice to meet you. >> stephen: rachel weisz, everybody. "complete unknown" is in theaters now. ♪ ♪ with my moderate to severe ulcerative colitis,
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>> stephen: hey, everybody. my next guest is a cult movie machine. he's been writing and directing films like "clerks," "mallrats," and "dogma" for over 20 years. please welcome kevin smith! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks for the double hug. >> it was on both sides. can i share, before we go any further, this is-- this is such
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a huge night for me because i-- this is going to sound weird-- but i wake up to you every morning. you're the first face i see when i wake up. ( cheers ) because my wife sleeps in so i wake up usually by myself. everyone sleeps in. so i wake up and get stoned. the first thing i do is watch your show from the night before. i'm like, "preach, preach." so every morning-- every morning, i sit there and kind of wake in bed with you. so i watch the show. i'm a religious fan of the show. this is, like-- i don't like doing talk shows because i hate sitting down. i love talking, obviously, but i hate doing talk shows because you have to sit down. i look like jabba the hutt when i sit down. so i got like-- yeah, give me a pillow to put right over this. oh, sorry. ( laughter ) so i got two talk shows on a.m.c., both shows are designed so i never have to sit down.
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i'm always standing. so i never like to do talk shows because i have to sit, and it's when i look my worst and i'm at my weakest. but i love the show so much i'm like, "i'm going. i don't care how fat i look." so i'm here. ( cheers ) but, but what was really weird-- ( laughter ) what was really weird is i've been watching the show backstage. and so, kind of like a pavlovian response, when i see you on tv i'm like, "i gotta smoke weed." and i couldn't do it because we're here. so there's no point to that story. i was just saying. it's kind of weird. but it's so weird. and i can share thing that happened with us backstage before it happened. let me tell you what happened real quick, man. this is huge. ( laughter ) ( applause ) this is absolutely huge for me. i was backstage, and i was laying down. i was taking a nap before i came out, and all of a sudden the door opens and stephen comes in,
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and he starts busting lines from-- this is where you get to talk-- he starts busting lines from "a man for all seasons," one of my favorite movies in the world. do what you did for me! do it! >> stephen: "when a man takes an oath he holds himself in his hands like so much water. and if he should home in his fingers in that moment he should lose all hope of ever finding himself again, some men are incapable of this. i am loathe to think that your father is one of them." >> oh, my god, if you like that movie, that's, like, pornography, man. ( cheers and applause ) yes! >> stephen: and then you said-- >> wasn't that good? he's such an actor. he's saying this, and i had the same reaction. i'm getting turgid. it was a huge moment for me. ( laughter ) so-- so i turned to him and-- i busted-- he busted a line so i busted a line. i was like, "richard, it
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i was like, "richard, it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world, but for wales." and we did it like that. >> stephen: well, you brought your phone out here. what's the deal? you brought your phone out here? >> i want to share a text with you i wrote with my kid. >> stephen: your film is called? >> oh, yeah, "yoga hosers." this movie i have coming out september 2, called "yoga hosers." also in theaters august 30. >> stephen: it's a comedy action? >> kind of. >> stephen: there's action in it. >> i like to describe it as this. two girls fight monsters come up out of the earth. i like to say it's like "clueless" meets "gremlins." and people have seen the movie and they say hey, man, "gremlins" is good. so, okay, it's like "clueless" meets critters. and some people are like critters is good. so, okay, and then it's like "clueless" meets "puppet masters nine." and they were like, that's fair. >> stephen: your daughter is in this. >> yes. >> stephen: and we have a clip here of your daughter and her friend getting in trouble.
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jim? >> try clicking like on this girls. no phones for the rest of the day! >> what! >> you can get them back at 2:45, after the last bell. >> our phones are who we are. if you take away my phone like some sort of pygmalion monaco, who am i going to be? >> i think i'm going to pass out. >> you have a new phone plan now, girls. unlimited minutes. unlimited looks to the world around you. and no roaming charges. so go roam without your phones. >> here i go. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: now is that your daughter on the right or on the left? >> the one that passed out. >> stephen: the one that passed out. is it hard to direct your daughter? did they listen? >> the set is the only place where, you know, you can get away with being, "you have to do this or you're fired." i can't do that in real life. so it's easier to kind of get things done. but i'm honestly not very dictatorial.
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i don't direct, like-- most critics will tell you that's true. i don't-- i don't direct like most people do. like here's the feeling. it's nuanced. i'm a monitor director. so we shoot something and i say, "come over here and see haw did," and i show them the playback. no actor is going to do better if i say, "here, you can do this, or this." an actor wants to look better than anybody else in the world. you show them their take, they'll figure out where they went wrong and go back in. i did that with her same way as with everyone else. >> stephen: you're 46-year-old man, right? >> i dress like a 12-year-old but i'm a 46-year-old man. >> stephen: is it hard to capture the way teenagers talk now as opposed to when you grew up? >> no, because i had the girls right there which made it also-- like i couldn't direct them to act like teenagers. they were teenagers when we made the movie-- >> stephen: what text did your daughter send you? >> wow, we're going there. >> stephen: i just want to make sure you get to it. >> it's a good story.
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so, we write back and forth all the time. my texting friend and stuff. this is a text exchange we have. i go on the road a lot. >> stephen: she's going to be cool with you sharing this? >> i hope so. she made it through "yoga hosers." so she'll make it through this. so, i tour a lot, i was away for three days and my kid texted me and said, "where is in the world are you, father." and i said, "atlanta, georgia" and it was 4/20, that date, national holiday for those of us who are the travelers of the green. i said, other i'm in atlanta, georgia." and she writes, "on 4/20? what if cnn catches you smoking." and i was impressed that a girl in private school knew that atlanta was cnn headquarters. i was like, that private school is paying off! she said, when do you come home? i said saturday after the austins show. she said, "do you want to go to 'harry potter world' on sunday?" they opened one, and i said we've already seen it.
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you know what it's like. and she said, "you don't believe in magic," and storms away. she was bugging me about going and stuff, i tried to take the logical approach. i said, "isn't it going to be crowded on a sunday?" and this when things get weird. "we can just buy front-of-the- line passes, dumbledick." ( laughter ) lest you think that's the way we roll in our house, that's not the thing at all. she must have heard her mom call me that. >> stephen: true, true? >> yeah, my wife once called me- - we were fooling around-- it was a sex thing. and it was kind of like the wand chase the wizard sort of thing. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so, so-- but-- but, but there is-- there is no-- stay with me. there's no way on earth the kid
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knows that context. so i don't want to freak her out and send her to a therapist and stuff. so i say, "hey, kiddo, you're not allowed to call me that. only your mom calls me that." and she doesn't understand at all. instead she goes, "oh, mr. thin- skinned dumbledick, bothered by his nickname." so at this point i'm like, the gloves are off, man. so i write back, "do you know why your mom calls me dumbledick?" and she don't even see it coming, man, which makes me rethink that private school education. so she wrote, "because you're the head of hogwarts? ha-ha-ha." and i write back, "no, kid, it's a filthy sex thing, ha-ha-ha." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and she writes back, "oh, my god." and i said, "yeah, so keep calling dad dumbledick." and she said, "i just threw up
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in my mouth a little." >> stephen: that's a very sweet story. >> that's my kid. >> stephen: lovely to meet you. >> you're awesome. >> stephen: "yoga hosers" opens next friday. kevin smith, everybody. we'll be right back. before taking his team to state for the first time... gilman: go get it, marcus. go get it. ...coach gilman used his cash rewards credit card from bank of america to earn 1% cash back everywhere, every time.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: my next guest was a writer and producer on some shows you might know, called "seinfeld" and "the late show with david letterman." now, he hosts "car matchmaker" on the esquire network. please welcome, spike feresten! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: come on up. >> so excited. >> stephen: all right. >> to be here. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> good to see you. do you remember the last time we saw each other? >> stephen: the last time you and i saw each other was-- >> "the dana carvey show." >> stephen: right, there was a show on abc, the "dana carvey show," in 1996.
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you were a writer on the show. and i was a writer on the show. >> i shared an office with you and another steve. his name was-- >> steve carell. >> that's right. >> stephen: you weren't there for the whole thing. >> i came in to clean up the mess after that first sketch you guys had. >> stephen: it was only on for seven episode. >> six episodes. >> stephen: no, we were on for seven. we did eight. the eighth one was never broadcast. that was the magic one. that's what would have saved the show. >> i think i was in that episode. i had a day job at the time on "seinfeld." >> stephen: you wrote the soup nazi. >> i wrote the soup nazi. that's right. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, thank you very much. but when the dana carvey-- i came to write on "dana carvey" because i loved what you guys were doing. i couldn't believe that was on television. >> stephen: neither could abc. >> and i remember the day the show was canceled, i thought, god, there are these two guys, steve carell and stephen colbert are the nicest, funniest guys, but they're going to be squeegeeing windshields out by
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the lincoln tunnel at the end of this. >> stephen: it was over. >> it's over. their career is done. >> stephen: they had their shot and it didn't work. >> i was really worried about you. >> stephen: seriously? >> seriously. >> stephen: you thought we wouldn't work again? >> well, six episodes and out? yeah. >> stephen: seven! >> seven, whatever! ( laughter ) but i'm so happy to see you here. >> stephen: it was a fun show. there were amazing people, louis c.k., you, dana, me, steve carell. >> charlie kaufman. >> stephen: charlie kaufman. rob harlok from "30 rock," an amazing group of people, and it didn't matter. >> no. >> stephen: listen, i just want to ask you one question about the soup nazi. do you mind still talking about that show? >> well, you know, what, the idea came in this building so no. >> stephen: you wrote for dave here. >> i wrote for dave. i was upstairs when the whole thing happened to me. >> stephen: so you would go over there-- so cbs actually owns that idea is what you're saying? >> yes, it is their property. >> stephen: there's a lawyer out there who agrees with us. >> it was 20 years ago.
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but we used to go every day to the soup nazi. there was a real soup nazi on 55th and 8th. >> stephen: he wasn't really a nazi. >> that's how i was introduced to him. he was a jerk. he was a misogynist a little bit. you had to order your soup correctly or he would kick you out of the line and say, "no soup for you." >> stephen: have you been back? >> i went back a year after the episode aired, with jerry seinfeld because jerry wanted to meet him. and i had to explain to him, "the guy is not excited about meeting you." and he said why? i said, "you called him a nazi to the world and he takes offense to that, weirdly." we went back to order soup, jerry and myself and a couple of the writers. and jerry got into the line and people in the line were thrilled this was unfolding in front of them. the soup nazi did a triple-take and then unleashed a string of expletives which i will not repeat here, and took the soup away, no soup for you.
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it was uncomfortable. he screamed. what he doesn't know is later that day, jerry came back with his girlfriend at the time, sent her out of the town car and got the soup and was able to eat the soup finally. so he beat the soup nazi at his own game. >> stephen: the new show is called "car matchmaker" on esquire. what's the point of show? >> you know, i've been a car guy for a long time and worked for a couple, letterman, and seinfeld. if you're car guy in the neighborhood you help people find cars so this show is a natural extension of that. someone comes on the show. i show them three options and they pick one. >> stephen: did you help someone find the mystery machine? >> i drove-- i drove that in the first season. here's a funny story about that. i drove by a pot dispensary, and a stoner came running out, and he was like, "no way, man! the mystery machine. wait here!" >> stephen: was it kevin smith? >> it was kevin smith. ( laughter ) ( applause )
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>> stephen: how about this? what is that? who are you matching to-- what is that car? >> that's a bmw, a little bubble car. those are very popular in europe. and this is for shaq? >> no, it's a guy who collects micro-cars. little cars. >> stephen: and this is? >> one of my favorites. >> stephen: a german police car. >> from 1979. i own that car now. that's my little weekend fun car with my boys. >> stephen: do you have a favorite car that you've matched somebody with? >> geez, i don't know. you mean, that i've showed them? >> stephen: yeah. >> that's every car i hear about from the customers and buyers who come back and say i'm happy, a year or two later. >> stephen: what. this one? jim. >> this is not going to be good! oh, god! that is insane! >> what's going on here? we're floating. that's a good thing. >> for now!
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>> oh, i had to put the clutch in. there we go. yeah, baby! >> i don't like this. the amphi-car. >> stephen: everybody wants that. thanks so much for being here. >> stephen, thanks for having me. >> stephen: "car matchmaker" is on wednesdays at 9:00 p.m. on the esquire network. spike feresten, everybody! we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ ( applause ),,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, ,,
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, that's it for the "late show," everybody. tune in next week when i have john krasinski, christian slater, and riz ahmed. our friend james corden is next. have a great weekend! good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where you come from this is a test ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from kuala lumpur,

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