tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 29, 2016 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
colbert is next. >> we're out of the gate. our next newscast tomorrow morning at 4:30. have a good night! >> i tried to make a home out of you. >> i was the floor boards and the sheetrock. >> but doors lead to trap doors a stairway leads to ad to climbstpo o work this morn it's ridiculous. (cheers and applause) ♪ iom tethit,ire! quick! >> it's "the late show" with st tonight, pedro pascal and angelaturing jon batiste and "stay fm it
colbert! (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by cbs welcome to "the late show," everybody! what's up, daddy-o?y! live people. welcome to "the late show," everybody. welcome to "the late show." thanks s much. at, thanks for noticiready to get in a little little bit ofouble? (cheers and applause) don't know what that means, but i'm ready, too. august is a notoriously slow news month, and it can be hard for me to find stuo lk abt.hidghter) i ju want to e to him f occasion with this truly rock solid story -- boner. (laughter)
ran out. i ran out. i ran out. today, there are new reports of sextmessages from the disgraced former congressman turned disgraced former mayoral candidate. and this, just a couple weeks afsage own physique as deceptively strong... like a mongoose. (laughter) though i will point out that mongooses are much better at wrangling an out-of-control snake. (laughter) that's the universal symbol for "mongoose." (laughter) and, of course, there are pictures. i'm not going to show them, so if you want to know what they look like, put a cucumber under a li with this happening again, my heart goes out to weiner's wife and hillar you know what theyame on you. fool me thre (laughter)eents until after the election! (laughter) and earlier today, ms. a and her husband will separate. (audience reacts) that's right, she's finally cutting off the weiner. (laughter)
(piano riff) >> stephen: thank you very much. i have been witing for years to (laughter)ment, she saysfor our privacy."in just on this show twoeeks then, did he? >> eight yearsstand corrected. (laughter) (a okay, thank you very much. here's what i don't -- i don't think these women are having affairs with him, so why is he doing it? has no one told him about the existence of porn? congressman wiener, it's everywhere! yong next to your penis. maybe wiener likes the danger. he likes the danger of doing this. so, anthony, just look at porn while jumping off a cliff. you know who's got to be thrilled about the latest weiner scandal? 49ers quarterback colin kapernick, who, on friday, refused to stand for thehem. it's a shocker.
something interesting happened during a preseason game. (laughter) after the game, kapernick explained, "i am not goid up to sh lor."wow. no matter how you feel about his actions, you have to admit that this took guts. i think football fans tend to be pretty patriotic. though, obviously, they all hate the (laughter) (cheers and applause) of course, kapernick's getting some blowback from his fellow players-- new york giants lineman just national anthem tonight," and "disrespec yes, that they must be respectful. "what do we want? racial justice. when do we want it? later, the game's on."ter) the earliest! k second-str dream speech" until m.l.k. won that slam-dunk contest. that. it.
he can do it. (laughter)opened this weekend. it's the story of barack and michelle obama's first date in chicago in 1989. no spoilers. (laughter) the reviews have been pretty good. it's got a 92% on rotten tomatoes. it appeals to everyone. democrats like it because it's about obama. and republicans like it because it's about a time when obama wasn't presia.án2 (laughter) a presidential first date movie seems like a winning formula. they should do this for all presidents. i'd love to see andrew and "trail of smiles," (laughter) a movie about their first date when they went to a hanging and both laughed at the same parts. or what about abraham and mary title, course.t title was lincoln's beard." (laughter) that's why they changed it. why inanor , "f-d-r u up?" (laughter)
which tells the romantic story ofowhe (laughter) look it up. look it up. (piano riff) then laugh (laughter) footnotes he of course the big news is last night, mtv held their annual they -- i beli award to any last night featured many asses from beyonce, to rihanna to nicki minaj to kanye. kanye unveiled his new video "fade" featuring singer and actor teyana taylor sweatily dancing around a gym. check that out. wow. i really hope she knows it's polite to wipe that equipment down before the next person uses it.r)te. 7gr four me image of a naked teyana in prosthetic cat face surrounded to see the whole video, you have to have a tidal subscription or eat peyote and fall asleep watching "thundercats."
(laugh but there was one glaring absence at last night's v.m.a.'s. attend because she was in nashville serving jury duty. someone even tweeted photos of it. this is good for her do, but it would have been so easy for her to glor swift," and they send me home. (lauter) say hlo tjo human, >> stephen: hey! (cheers and applause)llo. you know there's been a lot of talk of health on the campaign trail recently, with trump people saying that hillary clinton has a secret illness. and they may have a point. if she wasn't sick, why is she calling for universal healthcare? doesn't make any sense. of course, this opens up questions about donald trump's health., he's got the kind ofr)ed his fulgedos how he (audience reacts) (applause) he had bone spurs!s
the doctor in question i gastroenterologist and trump's strategi reserve dr. "hel! hey! those trou's (lau bend over, here c train! (laughter) heguy who can notscription for some people are concerned that hip's health. concern." (laughter) is ta my-be, my-be not. (laughter) hhe letter seems like he yanked it from where the sun don't shine.r example, his assertion t "mr. trump has results." and positive results are always good! blood pressure? positive! olesterol? positive! positive!ter) was written tmpimself in terms like "extraordinary"
and, "if elected, mr. trump, i can state uneql ever elected to the presidency." of healthiest ever! of course, that's only if he keeps taking his prescriptio(laughter) this letter, last week, nbc news tracked down dr. bornstein, who was in his manhattan office and not as ht a ren fest. (laughter) ♪ stephen: and woul a turkey leg? letter seems rushed: because it was. >> i thought about it all day and, at the end, i get rushed and i get anxious when i get rushed. >> stephen: rushed, anxious, five minutes, driver waiting. you definitely want the candidate's physical to sound like losing your virginityom night. (ler gandolf right now.
(laughter) don't get in the gandolf, kids! (laughter) honestly, i have to wonder, is dr. bornstein is healthy enough to judge whether or not trump is healthy enough for the presidency? well, to answer that question, we have obtained an exclusive letter from trump's doctor's doctor. i have it right here.:italthy man. good at doctoring trump, best at medicine forever, signed dr. realdoctorhere." (laughter) we'll be right back with riz ahmed. ♪ (cheers and applause) '@ i'll have that goat cheese garden salad. that gentleman got the last one. sir, you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie can i pick the genre? yes, but i card from american express you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. throw. it's more than cash back. it's backed by the service and security of american express.
(cheers and applause) ♪come english actor and rapper best known for his acclaimed role as llgoodu.bee. no stephenhowikurs, "th night of" m took for "game of thrones." >> it is. >> stephen: but scarier. we showed a clip. i'm hooked on the series and i haven't seen the finale so iy show so keep in mind i don't know how it ends. >> okay. >> stephen: yeah. o how are we going to talk about the show? >> stephen: in code. (laughter)i'd rather talk about you first. a year ago i didn't know your name. no offense. i didn't know bourne
you're on a rocket ride right now (applause)we the same you wait an hour for a londonn three come along at once. side, i have been working steadily on a bunch of inside, this doesn't like it happened overn und you're alwayshere toe hol >> yeah,me exactly. a came toanng you? creators whenine host.heing back fro festival and my agent sai sending you a script read the plane, you're going to audition as soon as you land. i'm so behind, i still haven't seen "breaking bad." >> stephen: it's all a very happy ending yeah. i >> good. and k the meant somethin bu late-night boxing. >> stephen: mm-hmm. y interesting, branching out. >> stephen: primarily boxi o (laughter) >> y i rehoever wrote great future ahead of him, and turned out to be the guys who wrote list and the wire and --
(laughter) >> stephen: yeah, they're your family is originally from pakistan correct? >> yes. >> stephen in england? >> yes. >> stephen: we have one from every country in ther) you are playing someone who is from the new york. is there a differenceexperien english-musl experience? >> what's interesting is i think the word "asian" means something different that be in the u.k. >> stephen: asian here meansndt >> i means peopleng the u.s. because up to me a to speak to me in spanish, first of all. >> stephen: yeah yeah. that doesn't happen so much if you look at u.k. i would say, no, i'm asian, and they would look at me like i'm crazy. so there is that different, i guess. no i kind of feel like, when i was growing up i felt like i had to qualify and say i'm ine, looks like and
hopefully through nasir that's what an american can look like as well. (applause) do you have any issues when you travel here in because, you know, donald trump says no muslims. states. do you have any >> he kind of always says foreigners are coming over here taking jobs. i kind of agree. there is a lot of british actors on tv right now over here. >> stephen: hello. absolutely. (applause)>> it's not good. >> stephen: it wall around the audition something, keep them away. (laughter)eah trouble.earched flyen: a secondary search? >> a random search. >> steph deeper search. >> i get searched by fans and they can be really thorough. >> stephen: are you fans surprised when they find out you are english? because i did not know you were english till you started talking. flap flap. >> great. >> stephen: that's onld have done
your but are people surprised when they go, wait a second! you're not queens? (laughter) >> it's kind of w as i land in we're filming, i think i'm going to start talking in the accent of the character to the first person i meet on the production. so they think that's how i talk. so out ofet l. taned just speak in this accent the whole time. sometimes people m ha be from london. sa yeah. when we wrap, they can feel betried. when we wrap up i go up and say, thanks a lot, ma th you! who are you? (laughter) >> stephen: this year you will be in rogue one. there are a lot of things you camh right? >> yeah.oesn't end in a dance >> i can tell you how we filmed it a little bit.it's kind of different
than "star wars" movies. it's ats on the ground feel. our director would often operatethe camera and we would do these would do it and again and again withoutantoppi again.ly, that's because of that process because partly we never got to break to go to the toilet within that process at all. >> stephen: so if i shot of you and you look furious, >> s (laughter) >> yeah,thing di rop some knowledge for us right now? (applause)do you needg?t do it a cappella. so i used to do free style rap battles. so it could be like coper in a blackt gent,at showrksiont! just "downton abbey" and those posh peeps don't believe that lie like you he loghter) thank you.
>> stephen: "the night of" is available on hbo go and hbo now. riz ahmed, everybody. we'll be right back with my thoughts on bill clinton's potential role as first dude. ( band playing ) (cheers and applause) ♪ ♪ take on any road with intuitive all-wheel drive. the nissan rogue, murano and pathfinder. now get 0% apr for 72 months cash. ♪ (baby laughs) ♪ ♪
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( band playing ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey! welcome back everybody! folks, there's no other way to put it, donald trump -- (laughter) i know i talk about donald trump a lot on this show but it's quite possible that after 240 years of male presidents, america may finally elect... a male first lady. and as america's potential first ladies' man, bill clinton is already making spousal history because, last week, he participated in what family circle magazine used to call
the "first lady cookie contest." but now that bill is on the scene, they've renamed it "the presidential cookie poll." (laughter) because when you're forcing the spouses of presidential candidates to be judged on their baking, you don't want to sound sexist. the contest goes back to 1992, during bill's first presidential campaign, when hillary gave a controversial interview where she said, "i suppose i could have stayed home and baked cookies ... but what i decided to do was to fulfill my profession." her comments were taken as a slight against stay-at-home moms. not to mention the powerful keebler lobby. (laughter) they employ over 50% of america's elves! (laughter) but family circle saw hillary's remark as "the perfect opportunity" to start a cookie competition, and what started out as a gaffe became a fun contest." just like when hillary made that gaffe with her email server, which was really more of a "delete" your cookies contest.
(laughter) (cheers and applause) so this year "bill" agreed to participate in the contest but instead of a new recipe, he turned in the exact same recipe hillary used to win the 1992 and 1996 contests. come on! man, who would have thought bill clinton was a cheater? (laughter) (applause) be careful, bill. you can't just use all of hillary's old moves. first off, you're never going to fit into her inaugural gown. (laughter) wow. that is shocking... how much he looks like barbara bush. (laughter) it's really very attractive. very attractive. point is, i'm excited about bill
clinton's potential first husbandom. and if i were hillary, i'd come up with many more traditions for him to be in charge of. really, anything to keep him busy. we'll be right back with pedro pascal. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ the ford freedom sales event is on! our biggest event of the year just got better! ♪ ♪ announcing zero for seventy-two across the entire lineup of ford cars, trucks and suvs. plus, tagged vehicles now get a thousand smart bonus. that's freedom from interest... and freedom to choose with ford. america's best selling brand. ♪ ♪ now get 0% financing for 72 months across the entire ford lineup,
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were knocked out, my eyes were gouged in, and then it was crushed. >> stephen: like a rotten melon. >> like a rotten melon, like gallagher's melons the big fruit. >> stephen: not as funny. it was funny when we were doing it (laughter) >> stephen: how did that feel? did you enjoy having the most gruesome death in the history of "game of thrones"? which is saying something. >> it's saying a lot. >> stephen: yeah. i loved it. it's an honor. (cheers and applause) i'm a huge fan of of "the night of." >> stephen: have you seen the last episode? >> i was on a plane. i love it so much. i sort of watch it on my terms. i wasn't about to catch it midway in my hotel room so i hadn't seen it? neither have i.
>> so let's move on. >> stephen: stay away from backstage. >> i didn't even notice he was british when i met him. >> stephen: i had no idea till he started talking to me. >> yeah. it was so exciting. and then you said he was english and i thought, oh! >> stephen: you're not going to drop an accent on me, are you? >> i was born in chile. >> stephen: there is someone from every country in the show every night. legally, it's for the international market. (cheers and applause) now, in "narcos," the character is javier pena based on a real d.e.a. agent. >> just recently retired, january 2014. what year is it now? >> stephen: 2016. all right, so a long career. >> stephen: and did you get to meet this guy, the guy you're
playing? >> i did. i met him spent time with him. we went to quantity co- and i trained for a week with the other actor boyd holbrook and steve murphy who he plays, and it was weird because, like i said i'm from chile, and i'm a child of socialist political refugees we are very very liberal, and i can't seem to shake the feeling amongst the d.e.a. because, i mean, i don't want to accuse them of being conservative -- (laughter) -- but -- (laughter) >> stephen: let me ask you this -- is there anything else in the past -- in your past you might want to hide from the d.e.a.? >> everything i don't regret doing, which is sort of -- >> stephen: you were with him the whole time did it feel like you were in traffic and a cop was behind you the whole time. >> like i'm going to get caught
for my thoughts. you know what i mean? every drug they talk about, i can only think about doing it. not that i have, but it's that opposing contrary -- >> stephen: these people are trying to catch pablo escobar. for people who are not children of the '80s, can you explain what a huge figure pablo escobar was? >> he was the king of the cocaine industry. a guy like al pacino in scarface. >> stephen: he's the bill gates of cocaine. he was worth about $30 billion. >> that's correct, and he was on "forbes" magazine and one of the richest men in the world. >> stephen: he spent $2,500 a month on rubber bands to wrap his cash. true story. >> you know more than i do. i'm just thinking about the drugs i'm not supposed to be doing while i'm playing the character. (laughter) (applause)
>> stephen: you met this guy. you saw what these guys were doing. this guy is infiltrating the cartel. do you think you could have done that as an actor? >> no. >> stephen: no? well... (laughter) we did tactical simulations. >> stephen: what does that mean? >> where we kind of have to perform a so fario, given a-- a scenario. i had to buy drugs from someone's house, that was all at quantity co-. a quake cul-de-sac you drive up. you have a description of what you're supposed to do or ask, and the assignment is just knock on the door, you met this guy before, bought drugs off him one time before and you're just going to buy the drugs and go. you're not going to catch him just finish the assignment. so i go and i knock on the door, and the guy invites me inside the house middle east and i am -- invites nee immediately and i am terrified.
i know these d.e.a. agents are having fun with the stupid actors who are trying to be cool at quantico. he says come inside. i'm, like, i don't think i should. he says, what's wrong? i said nothing. he said, you're being different. i said, so are you. he said, you were so chill last night. no you were chill last time. we went at this a long time. finally, he was so frustrated because he had to sell me the drugs. so i bought the drugs and i left. so they took me through what was going to happen to me if i went in the house. they were going to take me inside and a third guy was going to come and i was going to get shot in the head with like, real blanks. yeah, yeah, so it was sort of an actor's survival instinct like avoiding humiliation and terror that made me a good d.e.a. agent, i guess. >> stephen: wow. yeah. (laughter)
>> stephen: i don't care if it's just blanks, that would suck. >> yeah, that would really suck. they did it to boyd holbrook the guy who plays steve murphy. >> stephen: and? well, when he came to give me the car that i had to get into to drive to the same location, he was pale as a ghost, he was lighting a cigarette and he was like this -- (laughter) -- and i was just like, this is terrible! >> stephen: that happened before you went? so you had a hint. >> exactly, but i didn't know what. i was, like, i'm not going in that house. >> stephen: well, thank you so much for being here. delightful to meet you. >> good to meet you as well. >> stephen: season 2 of "narcos" is available on netflix on september 2. pedro pascal, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by angel olsen. (band playing) (cheers and applause)
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if i'm out of sight then take ♪ another look around i'm still out there ♪ hoping to be found ♪ shut up kiss me hold me tight ♪ shut up kiss me hold me tight ♪ stop your crying it's alright ♪ shut up kiss me hold me tight ♪ shut up kiss me hold me tight ♪ i could make it all disappear you could feed me ♪ all of your fears we could end all ♪ this pain right here we could rewind ♪ all of those tears i could take it ♪ down to the floor you don't have to ♪ feel it anymore a love so real that ♪ it can't be ignored it's all over baby
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let's walk together to make an even bigger impact and end alzheimer's for good. find your walk near you at alz.org/walk. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show" everybody. please tune in tomorrow when my guests will be john krasinski, adam brody, and musical guest st. paul and the broken bones. now stick around for james corden and his guests, heidi klum and josh groban. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ ♪