tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 20, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PST
so nice to have you here. i'm you host, stephen colbert. ( cheers ) let's see, let's see. how was your day? what's in the news? what's in the news? what's going on? el chapo is el screwed-o. ( laughter ) what else? oh, amazon dash has got these things, amazon has these dash buttons on line so it's easier to order. that's a whole new world. >> jon: yeah, alexa. >> stephen: play-offs are this weekend. oh, oh, there's this one thing. if you're waking up from a coma- - bad timing, first of all,. ( laughter ) donald trump has been sworn in as president of the united states. i know, i know. listen, listen, we're just as confused as you are, and we've
been weak this whole time. , of course, this is trump, okay. even though he's president, he loves to tweet and inauguration day is no different. he tweeted, "we can't let this happen. we should march on washington and stop this travesty. our nation is totally divided!" i'm sorry. i'm sorry. that was from obama's 2012 election. my apologies. he feels pretty good about this one for some reason. at the inaugural, trump made a bold entrance with a tie the length of an aircraft carrier. that is-- that is a lot of red tie. that is "make america tie again" i think is the motto. it looked like the underbelly of a rainbow trout. but the thing is, whatever the president wears at the inaugural sets a fashion trend for men. for the next four years. j.f.k. famously did not wear a
hat, so men stopped wearing hats in the 1960s. so in honor of our new president... ( cheers and applause ) it's very handy. it's very handy. you can use it for all sorts of things, like-- you could use it to hide an erection, for instance, which i will not have for four years now. ( applause ) let's see, let's see, let's see. on oh, hillary clinton was there. that was so nice of her to actually be there. don't you think? ( cheers and applause ) that was really big of her to be there. it could not have been easy to leave her squirrel friends back in the forest. here she is-- this is her making small talk with president bush.
"i actually got more votes than he did." "yeah, like gore." now, if-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) did you guys watch it? did you guys watch it this afternoon? if it seemed a little dark in the capitol, it was either because it was overcast or because michelle obama was throwing so much shade. ( cheers and applause ) still, she looked beautiful. she looked fantastic in that red dress. it was amazing. meanwhile, melania looked stunning in her sky blue, ralph lauren head-transportation device.
( laughter ) i'm so sorry the rest of her couldn't make it. i was so sorry. but, the fashion star of the day was counselor to the president, kellyanne conway. i would describe that look as "nutcracker who came to life, but only got halfway there." ( cheers and applause ) now-- ♪ ♪ if you look closely-- this is true-- her buttons are actually little angry cat heads. very bold for her to wear pussies that close to the new president. >> jon: oh! oh! >> stephen: the podium today held four of our previous presidents, and it was inspiring to see our next four presidents all marching in together. >> jon: wow! >> stephen: now, right off the
top, the reverend samuel rodriguez got things started with a stirring invocation. >> god blesses those who are humble, for they will inherit the earth. >> stephen: yes, the humble will inherit the earth. people who brag a lot get the united states of america. and, my man, timothy cardinal dolan, of course, quoted solomon. >> from your glorious throne, dispatch her that she may be with us and work with us that we may grasp what is pleasing to you. >> stephen: yes, "that we may grasp what is pleasing to you." ( laughter ) ( applause ) i believe that's the same prayer trump said to billy bush on that bus. ( cheers and applause ) let us grasp. let us grasp. let us grasp. what is pleasing. now, there were some really nice moments today. like after mike pence was sworn in, we were treated to a beautiful rendition of "america the beautiful" by the l.l. bean
category. ( laughter ) then-- you really can't button your coat if your tie is this long. it looks like half of it is trying to escape out a back door. then-- ( laughter ) can you tell i'm trying to delay this part of the monologue as long as possible? then came the big moment. donald trump taking the oath of office with his hand on lincoln's bible. and i have been assured that it was consensual. so that's it. donald trump is president. he knows the launch codes. and he hasn't tweeted them yet. so far, so good. ( laughter ) ( applause ) then, of course,-- gotta stay hopeful. little things. little victory. then it was time for the speech. there were some nice things about it. it was short, and it opened on a gracious note. >> people of the world, thank you. >> stephen: and the world said, "hey, man, do not pin this on
us. we didn't vote. we did not-- nothing to do with it. we're clean! we're clean." ( applause ) trump had a message about the gridlock of washington. >> that is the past, and now we are looking only to the future. >> stephen: so don't ask about my tax returns ever again, okay, future. future. then, and then, like lincoln huffing paint thinner, this stirring orator invoked an inspiring picture of the country he now leads. >> america's infrastructure has fallen into disrepair and decay, mothers and children trapped in poverty in our inner cities, rusted out factories scattered like tombstones across the landscape, our young and
beautiful students deprived of all knowledge. >> stephen: wow. that is really-- >> --and the crime and the gangs, and the drugs. >> stephen: okay, okay. are you done? because i think that the one thing-- >> --american carnage. >> stephen: we get it! we get it! the country is a turd storm. you said all of that during the campaign. you can stop now. he knows he won, right? putin must have told him. ( cheers and applause ) just give it up! the inauguration, of course, also included the time-honored tradition of talking about how the former president sucks, while obama and biden had to sit there as helpless as a damp russian mattress. ( cheers and applause )
i'll tell you, i really feel bad for joe biden. he got so upset he turned into a jeff dunham puppet. trump then dedicated his administration to his biggest supporters. >> the forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer. >> stephen: yes, the trump administration will never forget great americans like buddy, here, chief, and big guy-- and my african american over here. i'll never, you're always-- then the 45th president of the united states hammered home one of his biggest campaign promises. >> we will get our people off of welfare and back to work rebuilding our country with american hands and american labor.
>> stephen: yes, he is clearly already getting americans back to work, because here's the mall when obama was inaugurated in 2009. and here it is for trump today. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, all i can figure--. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's it. that's how it goes. >> stephen: all i can figure is that nobody could get the day off. they're all working. either that's a lot of empty space, or that crowd is even whiter than i thought. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i mean, there were-- there were big, empty spaces in the crowd, or as trump called them, "the most least people ever." "the greatest most fantastic lack of attendance in american history. we're not going to believe how many people didn't show up."
trump pledged to repair the country's infrastructure. >> we will build new roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways all across our wonderful nation. >> stephen: yes, roads and highways and bridges and airports and tunnels and railways-- so many ways to flee the country. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) but after spending the bulk of his inaugural address talking about what a dumpster fire america is and blaming everyone on the stage, trump called for unity. >> when america is united, america is totally unstoppable. >> stephen: okay, so right now, totally stoppable. and after the speech, reverend franklin graham delivered the benediction. >> in the bible, rain is a sign of god's blessing.
and it started to rain, mr. president, when you came to the platform. >> stephen: yeah, i've read the bible. blessing's not exactly how noah took it. ( cheers and applause ) yes. >> jon: a different story. >> stephen: bless you. and the lord said, "you better build a boat because i'm going to bless the hell out of this place." so here we are. it's really happening. donald trump is officially the president of the united states, which means there are now all sorts of new sentences you can actually say and mean like "the president of the united states was in 'home alone 2'." i always thought i'd be saying that on the first day of
president pesce's administration. "the president of the united states has met with dozens of world leaders, and also the grimace." and, "i sure miss george w. bush." we have a great show tonight. jim gaffigan is here! stick around. when you're close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment? if you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. with taltz, up to 90% of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. in fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. do not use if you are allergic to taltz. before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis.
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>> jon: no, i didn't get my invitation. >> stephen: i did not get mine, either. i've been waiting for mine. >> jon: i've been checking for it. it never came. >> stephen: damn u.s. post office. you know who got invited, though, every member of congress gets invited. 60 member lawmakers decided not to go for various reasons. they did a bunch of different things. in fact, actually, the congressman for this district, where this theater is, jerry nadler actually didn't go. >> jon: man. >> stephen: instead, instead, he actually came to the show today. jerry nadler is right there. hey, jerry! ( cheers and applause ) good to see you! good to see you! always fun. always nice to see you. my first guest tonight just released his fifth standup special. and like all of them they're fantastic! please welcome one of my favorite comedians, jim gaffigan! ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: nice to see you. >> good to be here. >> stephen: you're rockin' a little bit of a different look right now. >> this is-- well, this is a mustache. >> stephen: i what it is. in the witness relocation program? >> i'm doing some porn. ( laughter ). >> stephen: going back to your roots? >> yeah, going back-- it's not like i had enormous, high, self- esteem, but i wanted to see how low i could go. this-- this is for an acting role. i'm going to be in "fargo" this season. >> stephen: oh, fantastic. ( applause ) i can buy you-- i can buy you as-- >> midwesterner. >> stephen: it's a bit of a stretch. >> quite a stretch. play a white bread guy. going to pull it off. i think i can pull it off. >> stephen: i think so, too. you know, one of the things that everybody loves about you, i think everybody likes your
material-- i listen to it with my kids, you know, because i love it. they love it. it's not dirty. it's clean material, for the most part, and it's not political. nobody can figure out-- you know, everybody thinks you agree with them, i bet. >> i think there is some of that. my material is clean because jesus told me to be clean. ( laughter ). >> stephen: he told me to be clean, too, but... ( laughter ) >> i do think that, you know-- it's weird. because i mean, i'm grateful that a lot of different people come to my show, and i do sometimes think that they attribute their beliefs to me because i happen to be liberal, but i look like a republican senator from the 50s. ( laughter ) so i feel like people assume that i'm on their side. and i also-- maybe i'm a break from it, you know, a break from- - and there are people that do it much better than me. and, you know, i'm somebody who can talk about mini muffins. >> stephen: like nobody else, my
friend, like nobody else. >> it's art. >> stephen: you can make the muffins sing. >> make it important. >> stephen: what about your kids? >> my kids. >> stephen: are your kids-- do they have political opinions? >> my kids have insane political opinions. >> stephen: you have five. >> i have five children. ( applause ) some people-- there's always some clapping and then the rest of them are like, "well, you did it to yourself." and i do have five kids. and it's a lot of kids. frankly, it's too many. ( laughter ) >> stephen: are you from a big family? >> i'm one of six. my wife is one of nine. and it's -- >> stephen: i'm one of 11. >> one of 11. and it's just-- i mean, i love my kids. they're-- they're my group. but we're less of a family. we're more of a mob. ( laughter ) you know, we literally-- i was in-- i was doing shows in london last weekend, and that's-- you know, how you want to deal with jet lag is with four kids under the age of 12. and i would bring my tired,
sleepy, poorly behaved children into a restaurant, and the horror on the waitstaff's faces. i think i saw a waitress quit her job? ( laughter ) she looked at my children, took off her apron, threw it on the register, and walked out. now, she could have been getting off her shift, but i like to think she quit and went home and hung herself. ( laughter ) because it's-- it's a lot. but that's my group. that's -- >> stephen: in london, so how long were you guys over there with the kids? >> we were there for four days. >> stephen: what were the kids like? did they go to the tower of london, things like that? >> we went to all the tourist sights, but i think my kids really enjoyed-- they loved the m&m store. >> stephen: i heard they've got a good one. >> they've got a good one. and i tell you, as an american, seeing the m&m store, it doesn't make me embarrassed to be an american. it makes me embarrassed to be a human. ( laughter )
i like m&ms, but i never thought, "when are they going to open an m&m store." >> stephen: isn't every store an m&m store? where can't you buy them? >> exactly. >> stephen: you go to the antique store and say, "i'll take the couch, and do you have any m&ms." >> and there are three levels. there's the first local official for m&ms, and then there's another level for m&ms, and the third level i imagine is where they kill the people who go to the m&m store. by the way, there's nothing wrong if you like going to the m&m store but you shouldn't be allowed to vote. let's be serious. right? we have an age limit. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: i want to talk about this right here. this is near and dear to my heart. you opened-- when the pope was here last year. >> yes. >> stephen: or two years ago at this point, right? >> it's all a blur. >> stephen: a year and a half ago, he went to philly and you opened for the pope. >> i know, it's crazy. >> stephen: what was it like to open for the pope.
did you have to do your stand-up in latin? >> i'm catholic, you're catholic. but i'm not a good catholic. like, if there was a test for catholics, i would fail, you know,. >> stephen: i think you're probably a better catholic than i am. >> but most catholics would fail, which is probably why there's not a test, you know. ( laughter ) the catholic church was like, "look, we've lost too many people already." but i got to open for the pope. but he wasn't there when i was doing stand-up. >> stephen: this is you shaking hands with papa. >> and by the way, that's my mother-in-law, the mother of nine children. she's like a shiite catholic, so she was very excited this guy back here? >> that's juarez, this gierks why is the salt bay guy behind the pope back there? >> he is, similar to me, a latin heartthrob. he is a famous latin-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) no, it was-- it was at-- in philadelphia, the festival of families, philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, which if you've been to philly, you know
they mean that sarcastically. ( laughter ) i mean, i love philly, but philly, the city of brotherly love, they mean that the way you'd say, "syria, a place for peace." you know what i mean? but i love philadelphia. i have to tell you, when i was at the sound check, i went for the sound check, and it was pretty scary. i went out and they constructed this outdoor amphitheater. >> and looked on the highway, and the amphitheater was empty, and on the highway there was a million people already there at the sound check. and i looked at those people and i thought, wow. a million people that don't want to see me do stand-up comedy, because those people were there to see the pope, and not one of them was thinking, "i hope the pope has a comedian open for him." >> stephen: did you have any pope material? >> i did some pope material but i was nervous at the sound check. i was like, all right, i have to come up with philadelphia jokes, but i thought what do i know about philadelphia? i know the liberty bell, i know the cheese stake, and i just watched espn "30 for 30" documentary about eagles fans
throwing snowballs at santa. not on the brand of brotherly love. so when i was finally introduced, there was still no one in the amphitheater, because the pope wasn't there. because i essentially opened for the pope-mobile. i figured, all right, i'll just do my set. i said, "it's good to be here in philadelphia, heard the roar from the crowd on the highway. i said i'll play to the crowd on the highway. philly loves the pope. another roar. and i said, "not that i was worried, but you guys weren't that nice to santa claus." nothing. silence. ( laughter ) and then i heard something that sound like booing-- well-- because it was booing. but it wasn't everyone. it was, like 10%. so, like, 100,000 people booing my santa joke before they saw their religious leader who was going to talk to them about mercy. ( laughter ) and so i switched, and i kind of adjusted my act.
and eventually i had an opportunity to meet the pope. and i was in this room, and everyone was saying something to the pope, and i didn't know what to say. so when it finally came my turn i said, "don't bring up the santa incident." ( laughter ) and the pope didn't say anything, but he gave me a look like, "dude, i would never bring that up." >> stephen: we have to take a little break here. we'll be right back with more jim gaffigan. taking a holiday in britain, are ya doll? well, the only place you need go... london's got the best of everything. cornwall's got the best of everything. sport sport nightlife nightlife (both) fashion adventure i'm tellin' ya, britain is the only place you really need go. expedia. everything you need to travel britain better.
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( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back. we're here with the lovely and talented jim gaffigan. i was asking about the mustache. >> yes. >> stephen: you're doing this for "fargo." >> yes. >> stephen: and some people-- everybody loves your comedy and everybody knows you've also done some dramatic acting. >> yes. i mean, it's weird. i feel like sometimes people don't know that i'm an actor. sometimes people on twitter are like, "i can't believe gaffigan is in this acting role." i've always acted.
i did a show on broadway that no one saw. i've always done movies. and, stephen, i think it's because i'm so good looking. >> stephen: they won't treat you like a serious actor because have such a pretty face. >> i'm just an object to them. >> stephen: and the mustache-- >> the mustache -- >> stephen: so i've loved your work for years. >> oh, thank you. >> stephen: i loved your work, especially on "law & order." very few people know this, but in 1998, on "law & order," you played a guy named george rozakis. >> a greek, i played a greek. >> stephen: the world's palest greek. >> from the island of -- >> stephen: who may have been a suspect. >> did you happen to see a guy come around the apartment, would have been around 9:00? >> yeah, guy with a suitcase. he was there for a minute and he left. >> this the guy? >> could be. >> he would have been wearing a suit and tie. >> could be.
but i tonight know if i could swear to it. i was under a sink. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: i totally believed it. i totally believed it. i totally believed it. >> you do believe because i'm pale, that i would be under a sink, right. >> stephen: you were raised under a sink. did you turn out to be the murderer? >> i did not turn out to be the murderer. >> stephen, of course, that's not the end of your criminal career, in 2002 you were on "law & order: criminal intent. you were a crematorium owner suspected of murder. >> all i'm saying is this could be a big problem for me. i have to catch the ferry back. >> russells, problems are just solutions in work clothes. >> wow. >> stephen: that was deep. >> some of it is poetry. >> stephen: did you end up being the murderer in that one? >> i don't think so. >> stephen: how about the next one in 2007 "law & order," you played another character named martin palin, deputy director of the f.d.a. being framed for murder. >> did you get yourself a cat?
you have to keep yourself company? >> my kids gave me whiskers so i wouldn't be alone. >> mr. palin, she wants your shredder. >> okay. ( laughter ) >> stephen: wow, that is-- that "okay" spoke volumes, man. >> by the way, i don't even have a cat. i pretended to have a cat. >> stephen: you acted like you had a cat. >> i acted like-- we're always acting. when you think about it, we're always acting. you and i are acting like we're not gay. we're always acting. ( laughter ) it's like-- there's always acting going on. i'm from australia. people don't even realize that. >> stephen: i'll show you some acting. you want to see some acting? >> yeah. >> stephen: this is from 2004 "law & order: criminal intent" james bennett, a murdering forger.
>> you didn't really think he would make it public. >> that hypocrite! it would have been the ethical thing to do. >> you were counting on sean. >> he cooperate prevail on his father. became a martyr to your needs. >> i didn't have anything to do with that! >> stephen: i did. i was the murderer. >> you were a murderer. >> stephen: i was the murderer. i was the murderer. >> i think we've learned -- >> stephen: we've learned so much. >> we've learned so much. i mean, really, the real question is, is there anything you and i can't do, except for, say, "hey, i love you." >> stephen: jim gaffigan, i love you. >> i love you, too ( applause ) jim gaffigan's standup special, "cinco," is now available on netflix. "law & order: svu" is on nbc. jim gaffigan, everybody! we'll be right back with cristela alonzo.
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( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back to the show. my next guest is a comedian and actor who is about to release her first hour-long standup special on netflix. please welcome cristela alonzo! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> hello. hello. >> stephen: hello. i like the little trot you did coming out here. >> i get very nervous. i don't wear heels. i've been practicing walking in these shoes for, like, over a week, and i kept thinking i was going to fall, and i didn't. hell yeah. #nailed it >> stephen: that's always the beginning of a great interview with the guest makes it to a chair. it's one of the top signs.
>> now with social media, too, if you fall you become famous for all the wrong reasons. you know what i mean. >> stephen: i'll take anything i can get. i'm not proud. you're a comedian and you're an actress. >> yes. >> stephen: the first latina to have her own network show "cristela." you grew up in a small border town. >> oh, yes! >> stephen: how did you get to comedy from there? were there clubs in your town? how did you-- >> no clubs whatsoever. i loved tv. i was a latchkey kid. ( applause ) okay. woo, times were tough! wooo! i was a latchkey kid. i was obsessed with tv. tv was my best friend, and i used to watch a lot of comedy, a lot of stand-up. and my mom couldn't speak english, so she didn't know a lot of comedy had a lot of bad words in it, so all she saw were me laughing, and she was like, "ah, mija, you have a good time."
>> stephen: wait, she wouldn't say-- would she say, "tell me that joke?" >> oh, no, absolutely not. she just loved i was laughing so much. here's the thing. my mom loved "saturday night live." our big thing and we were kids we would watch "saturday night life" every saturday after she got out of work. she knew eddie murphy was clean. >> stephen: eddie murphy was clean. >> on s.n.l. and she said, "that's the guy from s.n.l., you can watch it. and i'm like okay. and he starts talking, and i'm like, "oh, damn, i can watch this." it was amazing. i loved it and i fell in love. comedy has always been my thing. >> stephen: did she want you to be a comedian? >> no, god no. she wanted me to cut hair. my mom was a devout catholic, and she always thought practical, be practical. she always said, "even in a recession, people's hair grows. you'll always have a job." >> stephen: that's true, that's true.
but if you fall into a depression, then you need a comedian. >> we're latino. we don't believe in depression. >> stephen: you don't? >> isn't that weird. i think growing up catholic-- because i heard you are, too-- we always kind of had to suck it up. we didn't really -- >> stephen: sure, my mom would say, "offer it up. offer it up. offer it up." whatever you were suffering, she'd say, "offer it up" and when you got to heaven there would be another jewel in your crown she said. >> my mom would be more like, "don't bother him. don't bother him. he's busy. don't bother him." >> stephen: no, the crown was our big reward. and we used to say my drown croun is going to be so heavy i won't be able to walk around. >> you will have a crown in heaven? my mother was like in heaven you will have electricity and running water. >> stephen: i understand you recently dabbled in fighting crime. >> i did! okay, my car --
>> stephen: was this on "law & order: svu." >> i'm latina. i can't be on "law & order." okay, real talk. this week, my car got broken into. i've never had my car broken into. in los angeles. i wouldn't drive in new york. ( laughter ) so i was in my friend's apartment for 15 minutes, i come down, this gardner comes up to me in spanish and says, "this guy broke your window. he's right there." the guy was across the street. >> stephen: he hadn't run away? >> no, it had just happened. he was walking away. i had a make up bag from like sephora, and i saw the black and white bag. he was walking away with it. and i was like, "damn, that's my bag." i looked at the gardner, "gracias," i crossed the street and chased after the dude. i chased after the guy with my makeup but i don't do it right away because i want to see where he turns so i know where he lives. >> stephen: when did this happen? >> tuesday,. >> stephen: you didn't chase him
in those heels? >> oh, my god. are you serious? i almost went barefoot just to get more speed. i went after the guy, and i said, "hey, you gonna give me back my stuff or do i have to get my stuff back from you, because you're gonna give me back my stuff now." ( cheers and applause ) and you know, people tell me, ," you're really stupid for doing that," but i'm so catholic, i'm like, "you know what? i trust god. if it's my time to go, it's my time to go, but i'm gonna go with my makeup." >> stephen: like your mom would want. like your mom would want. >> "don't bother him. "i'm going to do it myself. i got my bag back. i went back to my friend's apartment and i said, "hey, my car got broken into." and he said, "no way." and i said, "i got my stuff back." and i looked in my bag and said thank god, i had lipstick that was sold out everywhere.
>> stephen: lovely to meet you, cristela. her special, "lower classy," premieres january 24th on netflix. cristela alonzo, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by the avett brothers. stick around music: "keep on the sunny side" edward sharpe ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ knows how it feels to seees your numbers go up, despite your best efforts. but what if you could turn things around? what if you could love your numbers? discover once-daily invokana®. it's the #1 prescribed sglt2 inhibitor that works to lower a1c. invokana® is a pill used along with diet and exercise to significantly lower blood sugar in adults with type 2 diabetes. and in most clinical trials, the majority reached an a1c goal of 7 percent or lower.
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>> stephen: and now a special performance of george harrison's, "give me love, give me peace on earth." please welcome the grammy- nominated avett brothers! ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ give me love give me love ♪ give me peace on earth give me light ♪ give me life keep me free from burden ♪ give me hope help me cope ♪ with this heavy load trying to touch and reach you
♪ with heart and soul ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ oh, my lord ♪ please take hold of my hand that i might understand you ♪ won't you please oh, won't you ♪ give me love give me love ♪ give me peace on earth give me light ♪ give me life keep me free from burden ♪ give me hope help me cope ♪ with this heavy load trying to touch and reach you ♪ with heart and soul oh, my lord