tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 30, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
>> of course. >> what was the dog's name? >> bandit. good, vern. >> coming up at 10:00 a.m. on c-span, the house inquiry into russia's tampering into the election. at 11:00, senate intelligence committee hearing on interference. 12:00, senate mares testimony from jared kushner on his meetings from w russians. thought 12:00 was paul manafort. >> 12:00 is house committee's questioning of michael cohen about russia. 11:00, michael flynn's contact with russia. 2:00, hearings with ambassador kidslyiac. >> 2:00 is the f.b.i. testimony on their russian investigation. >> when did the schedule change? at's the holdup? done with the promos? >> chuck, what's at 2:00?
2:00, debate about whether representative nunes should step aside in the russia probe. >> what happened about the f.b.i. testimony into the investigation with snrution. >> closed meeting. no that's roger stone. you mean house committee questioning of carter page on his russian connections. >> those are different guys. i don't know. how is anyone -- ( russian accent ) >> everyone out, i am new boss, now special report from house of representatives. ( russian music ) >> it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight stephen welcomes marisa tomei. and "stay human" featuring jon batiste and "stay human." now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen colbert!
( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ ( band playing ) >> stephen: thank you very much! thank you! ( commanding stephen ) >> stephen: hey! thank you, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much! thank you mark and chris! welcome to "the late show," everybody! i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheering ) and want you to know that late show intelligence committee will follow our investigation of trump and russia wherever it leads. usually it's to james corden in about an hour.
but wherever. ( laughter ) for the past week, everyone's been wondering about devin nunes's secret intelligence source at the white house. nunes has refused to reveal who it was, out of concern that if his source is exposed, he'll have to come up with a new reason to keep canceling russia hearings. well, today, the "failing new york times" revealed that the person who met with nunes was in fact, two people! ( suspenseful music ) ( laughter ) according to the times, the sources were "ezra cohen-watnick, the senior director for intelligence at the national security council, and michael ellis, a lawyer who works on national security issues at the white house." say it isn't so, michael ellis and ezra cohenwatnick! i've trusted you ever since i learned your names at the beginning of this sentence! ( laughter )
i can't believe it's those two guys whose names i've forgotten at this point! >> right. >> stephen: the rest of the story hasn't changed. it was legal wiretaps of foreign officials who were talking to trump people. still don't know what they were talking about. or if trump's campaign colluded with putin. but cnbc's geoff cutmore tried to get the answer straight from the horse's mouth and the man who rides shirtless on it. >> you and the russian government did -- never tried to influence the outcome of the u.s. presidential presidential election and there will be no evidence found? >> ( translated ): ronald reagan once debating about taxes and addressing the americans said, watch my lips, he said, no. watch my lips, no. >> stephen: ha, ha, ha, ha, that vladimir putin sure is a jokester. "knock knock." who's there? "i."
i who? "who's asking, i who? are you journalist? i will kill you." ( laughter ) but here's the thing, reagan didn't say that, george h. w. bush did. it's the reason vlad lost on jeopardy's war criminal week. ( cheers and applause ) huge ratings. i love watching every year. every year i love watching "war criminals week." "i'm sorry, your answer must be in the form of a murder." speaking of donald trump's loved ones, yesterday it was announced that ivanka trump will become a federal employee in the white house, serving as the president's "eyes and ears." yeah, yeah, eyes and ears. no word yet on who will be operating his brain. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause )
yay! brain! very happy to get this man -- bring your daughter to govern day. ( laughter ) so he's hired his daughter as assistant to the president, his son-in-law as his senior adviser, and put eric and donald junior in charge of the national hair gel reserve. ( laughter ) >> anyway -- it's always 1985. ( laughter ) anyway, i'm not sure who's doing what in the white house. can we put up the white house chore wheel? okay, this week ivanka's on domestic policy, jared's on foreign policy, and looks like the president is loading the dishwasher again. big responsibility. a lot of responsibility. ( cheers and applause ) you've got to pre-rinse. but let's take a break from trump -- can we take a break from trump, please? can we do that?
( cheers and applause ) and let's talk about someone who has no power in washington, mike pence. ( laughter ) "the washington post" just did a profile of mike and mrs. mike, and they have a pretty solid thing going on. because pence never eats alone with a woman other than his wife. and that can mean only one thing: mike pence is such an out-of-control force five bone-icane, that he has to be monitored by karen pence at all times. one amstel light and he's dry-humping the bread basket. okay? ( laughter ) oh, there's snow on the roof but there's a fire in the furnac ( applause ) pence also won't attend events featuring alcohol without his wife by his side. he's so naughty, if you left him alone with a bottle of whiskey, he might try to have sex with it. and jim beam and jack daniels are both dudes. and he is "not" into gay stuff!
he has to pray away the mt. gay. that's what i hear. i don't know. then there's the story of how the pence's got engaged. while they were out feeding ducks in 1985, mike pence hollowed out two loaves of bread, placing a bottle of champagne in one and the ring box in the other for her to discover as she tore off pieces. which is pretty impressive. that means karen can tell the difference between mike pence and a loaf of bread. it's actually a really cute engagement story. ( laughter ) it's actually a very cute engagement story. and it's a good thing karen was there because you do not want to leave mike pence alone with one of those seductive loaves of bread. ( laughter ) yeah. the yeast isn't the only thing rising. ( laughter ) ( applause )
mmm, mmm... ( piano riff ) also, it's worth noting that the couple later got the bread shellacked. ( laughter ) of course. shellacked bread is an indiana delicacy! hey, you remember last year, when north carolina passed a bill that forced transgender people to use the bathroom that matched the gender on their birth certificate? basically, you needed two forms of i.d. to go number one. well, today, north carolina lawmakers announced a deal to repeal the 'bathroom bill'. ( cheers and applause ) sounds like some people have been holding it for about six months. ( laughter ) that means big changes for north carolina. their license plates can go back to "first in flight" from their current license plate motto: "we peek under your stall."
( laughter ) and north carolina lawmakers agreed to change the bill just ahead of "a deadline set by the n.c.a.a.," which had vowed "not hold events in north carolina as long as hb-2 remains law." so, really, we have college athletes to thank for this repeal. ( cheers and applause ) really nice. >> jon: really, really something. >> stephen: and we will thank them the same way we always do -- by not paying them. ( laughter ) and you know, north carolina is basketball country, so i can see why it would change minds. "now, i am a god-fearing social conservative and my faith guides me to reject the deviant sexual proclivities of -- what's that? no tar heel games? screw it, pee on me." ( cheers and applause ) we got a great show for you tonight. marisa tomei is here.
when we come back we've got the white house's biggest leaker. so-- wait! i'm sorry. wait, wait, i'm getting the latest breaking monkey news. ( laughter ) i did not know this was coming, but, ladies and gentlemen, late-breaking monkey news. we're about to go to break. but this one's a little different. so buckle up. you guys like those "planet of the apes" movies? (audience reacts) i love 'em. man and ape fearing and hating one another is such a great metaphor for how scared i am that a chimp will bite my face off. so many great movies -- "planet of the apes," "rise f the planet of the apes," "dawn of the planet of the apes," "hey, look! this planet also has apes! i wonder if it turns out to be earth in the end" and "two apes too furious: tokyo chimp." well, it says here that the -- i thought it was going to say more than this -- but it says here that the
ultimate battle for humanity hits theaters in july and what you're about to see is an exclusive look at the new trailer for "war for the planet of the apes." no one's ever seen it. got it first. check it out. >> he's a smart one, isn't he? what are you going to name him? >> do they look like just >> he saved our lives. was remarkable. apes, apes! run, run! >> you're him. you're caesar. we have been searching for you for so long. >> i did not start this war. i fight only to protect apes. >> human get sick. april get smart.
then human kill april. ( chanting ) >> there are times when it is necessary to abandon our humanity to save humanity! >> they must pay. i'll finish this. i offered you peace, i showed you mercy. you talk about mercy -- >> no matter what you say, eventually you'd replace us. that's the law of nature. >> so what would you have done? apes, together, strong! apes together strong!
>> i come to save your apes. i came for you. ( screaming ) it's an important question you ask, but one i think with a simple answer. we have this need to peek over our neighbor's fence. and once we do, we see wonder waiting. every step you take, narrows the influence of narrow minds. bridges continents and brings this world one step closer. so, the question you asked me. what is the key? it's you. everything in one place, so you can travel the world better.
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: john boehne jon batd "stay human," everybody! that's the man right there! ( cheers and applause ) oh, my friend. now, we've talked a lot about it, but all this russia stuff boils down to one simple question: what is trump's relationship to russia, and when does he plan to leave it for a younger country? "the usa today" did a little digging and they found that "trump's business network reached alleged russian mobsters."
okay, the mob. that explains why his hat originally said, "nice america you have here. be a shame if something not great happened to it." ( laughter ) but everything the senate or the f.b.i. or devin nunes has learned comes from secret sources, some from inside the white house. luckily, i have my "own" secret white house source. this is late show presidential leakcrets. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) now, to protect my super secret source's identity, we have dimmed the lights, and put him behind a screen. and, also, we burned off his fingerprints with a george forman grill. the fat just melts away. hello, anonymous source. >> hello, stephen.
>> stephen: your voice is still altered. >> ah, no, i just have a cold, but i should be fine. i took a lozenge. riccola! it's been a tough month for the president. what's the mood in the white house these days? >> panic. complete panic. the staff is scared for their jobs. >> stephen: are they really scared they're going to lose them? >> no. they're scared they're going to keep them. ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right, all right. that sounds rough. okay, let's get to the bottom of this. devin nunes claims to have a secret source in the white house who the "new york times" claims to have revealed. are they right? >> no, stephen. devin nunes' secret source is devin nunes. >> stephen: what? he got this information from
himself? does he have two personalities? >> i'm not sure he has one personality. but he does sneak off to secure locations, and then, when he's alone, he draws lipstick on his hand and interrogates it. >> stephen: he has a relationship with his hand? >> friends with benefits. >> stephen: are you saying the information nunes as got upis false? >> i didn't say that, stephen. i'm just saying he pulled it from, shall we say, an undisclosed location. i mean the butt, steve. >> stephen: i got that part. >> not a metaphor. >> stephen: got it. it's a great image.
now, nunes says he's afraid to share the secret documents he saw because currently redacted white house staffers might be unmasked. are people there worried about possible unmasking? >> no, we unmask every saturday at our "eyes wide shut" parties. trust me, steve bannon looks better in a mask. and wearing pants. there are some things you cannot unsee. >> stephen: there are also rumors that trump and melania are having marital problems. is that true? >> yes. the problem is that they're married to each other. >> stephen: separate bedrooms? >> it helps when you're in separate cities. >> stephen: by the way, the president promised that we could expect, "some very interesting items coming to the forefront over the next two weeks." those two weeks are just about up. any idea what he's talking about? >> yes.
he swallowed his keys. and they'll be coming to the forefront soon... he ate a lot of oat bran today. >> stephen: well, that's something to look forward to. switching to health care, i know the republicans say they're going to try again, but the president has to be digs appointed by the failure to repeal obamacare. does he blame paul ryan? >> no, the president took a hard look in the mirror and took complete responsibility. i'm just (bleep) with yo&. ( laughter ) no, of course, of course. trump, obviously -- ( cheers and applause ) trump obviously blames ryan. >> stephen: so is trump trying to get rid of him? >> yes, the president is trying to push ryan out. much like his keys. i mean from the butt, steve. >> stephen: anonymous source, everybody!
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letting me be myself again ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to have you here. i'm a big fan. >> likewise. >> stephen: we met backstage. all day long i thought, i know i did something with marisa tomei before. i figured it out when i looked at paul dinello, my producer and one of my oldest friends in the world. do you by chance remember coming to second city in 1990 and doing the set, doing the improv set that night? >> yes! >> stephen: a scene with me and him on stage. >> i don't remember being on stage. that part's a blank. >> stephen: i think we were guys hitting on you at a bar or something like that, or was it a funeral or something like that. >> one or the other. we were in a cabin and no one
could come in. >> stephen: we were in a snowed-in cabin. >> gangbusters. >> stephen: it was fantastic. i don't remember the scenes that don't go well. >> is that why i have such affection for you? there is a lot of reasons, but there is history. >> stephen: nice to see you again. we should work together more than 27 years apart. >> lest do that. >> stephen: obviously, everybody knows you from your fantastic movie roles. they love you as an actor. ( cheers and applause ) we know you from the movies, but you grew up in new york so i imagine you must have first fallen in love acting in the theater. >> yeah, my parents love the theater. >> stephen: did they have to drag you or are you all in? >> no, it was a great time to spend with them. i got to see a chorus line and first iteration which is super exciting and inspired, my brother and i took tap.
>> stephen: you took tap? yeah, he's better than me and he's not here. >> stephen: was there a part you thought, oh, i want to grow up and play that part? >> i was into robert duvall. >> stephen: who isn't? yeah, so anything that he was in, that was my aspiration. i wanted to be the robert duvall in any part he was in. it was, like, yeah, you know, gender fluidity, popular now. >> stephen: i love the smell of napalm in the morning. ( laughter ) you're in "spiderman" home coming. you've played aunt may in the avengers movie. a little bit of controversy because there are depictions of aunt may that exist in the marvel comics, and this is what they are. ( laughter ) and this is what you look like. you look like this. this is not same person. ( applause ) >> you can imagine my horror
when i was cast and i started doing the research! but then i thought, i'm just going to go with it and i actually made a case to age me up. >> stephen: no, no. it's good. it's sexy aunt may. yeah. no, not this. it's sexy aunt may. well, the new play is at lincoln center theater and it's called how to transcend a happy marriage and it's a complex and somewhat bizarre play, if i've got this right. it has a lot of catholic references in the play but there are also thrupples, orgies, et cetera, not what i grew up. >> with it's going back to the gnostic, the roots. >> stephen: were you raised catholic? >> i was not. >> stephen: do you go to church at all or anything like that. >> no. >> stephen: broadway.
yeah, just the church of pasta, the church of italian holidays with a very loose religious feeling to them. >> stephen: your character is a latin teacher. >> yes. >> stephen: do you study latin? >> it wasn't even offered. that's actually in the play. my husband conjugates his love for me. ( stephen speaking latin ) >> what is that? >> stephen: the farmer is in gal. that took seven years. i can't remember a thing. i went through my entire vocabulary. >> started off with gangbusters, though. >> stephen: there's a lot of references to meat slaughter. >> yes, a lot. >> stephen: slaughtering animals. >> a lot of it is getting in touch with the limitlessness of love and that means including the wildness that's inside of
us. there is meat slaughtering that's involved. i don't do the meat slaughtering. i have been a participant. i did slaughter an animal once but not for religious reasons. that all went wrong, didn't it? >> you have to say more than that. it was a farm animal? >> it was a farm animal and with a farmer who is also a chef who i wanted to -- i don't know what, there was something inside of me he offered and -- it's a great first date. >> stephen: if you eat meat, i think you should be willing to kill the thing you're going to eat. >> ist in the play. >> stephen: what? come see it. come do it with me you know half the lines, already. >> stephen: that would be fantastic. ( applause ) ( piano riff ) so there's something called a thrupple in this play. >> yes, or a triad. >> stephen: can you explain
that because i am an old-passion faked man who wears khaki pants and drives his volvo to a dry-cleaner. what is a thrupple and how does that work? >> it's a triad. >> stephen: two men, two women? >> in this case, it's two men and a woman, they're in a polyamorous relationship and all committed to each other. they have rules within that situation, rules of play and of commitment. they can't sleep with friends -- close friends -- but if they want to bring someone else into this situation, they all have to agree. there are a bunch of rules. they're all explained in the play! >> stephen: is there any chance mike pence might be allowed to have dinner with this thrupple? >> no. >> stephen: you have a singular honor. lady gaga told "rolling stone" in an interview that if she ever has a biopic, she wants you to
play her. are you excited about that idea? ( cheers and applause ) because for you, not only could you wear the meat dress, you could slaughter the -- ( laughter ) i don't know what the movie would be but i was hoping you and i could act out lady gaga. >> yes! >> stephen: and we'll do a scene. here's one for you. you do the lines that say marissa next to it. >> stephen: this is lady gaga biopic starring marisa tomei as lady gaga. >> stephen: i won't tell you that i love you, kiss or hug you. >> 'cause i'm bluffing with my muffin, i'm not lying, i'm just stunning with my love
gluegunnin'. >> stephen: muh-muh-muh- poker face. poker face. >> i want your ugly, i want your disease, i want your everything, as long as it's free. >> stephen: i want your love, love-love-love i want your love. >> rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! >> stephen: roma-roma-ma-maa! >> ga-ga. >> stephen: oo-la-la! >> stephen: end scene! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "how to transcend a happy marriage" is at lincoln center. marisa tomei, everybody! we'll be right back with hugh dancy. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. my next guest starred in the television series "hannibal," and now he stars on hulu's "the path." please welcome, hugh dancy! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano music ) >> thank you! >> stephen: welcome back. thank you so much. >> stephen: you were here, what, a year ago or something like that? >> give or take. >> stephen: give or take something like that. >> not much has happened. >> stephen:, no, no, no. the last time you were here, this is how long ago, last time you were here brexit hadn't been voted on and we discussed the possibility of brexit. >> innocent days. >> stephen: back when the world was what we remembered.
>> exactly. >> stephen: the fansy in our -- fantasy in our mind matched reality. it's going to happen, theresa may triggered it. how do you feel about the decision your country's made? >> a little nervous. nothing's happened yet. >> stephen: the pound lost about 16% of its value. >> that little thing, that happened, yeah. but the real thing, what comes after brexit hasn't happened. we agreed to separate but we've still got to figure out the mortgage and the the kids and the alimony and the laboratory and whatever else. >> stephen: who gets to keep scotland. >> for example, yeah. yeah, we should have really talked about that before. >> stephen: yeah. a little unsure about the future. >> stephen: make sure you tell
scotland it's not your fault, don't blame yourself. now you will have two christmases, scotland. ( laughter ) now, people compare brexit to trump's election. trump actually called himself mr. brexit. he did. he said, like, i'm going to surprise everybody, mr. brexit. do you see -- do you see parallels between the decisions made here in the united states and the decisions made in england that got you to brexit? >> yeah, i think there is overlap in the terrence of people who voted for brexit, people who voted for trump. we ear so insecure as to whether or not we're so great that we literally put it in the name of our country, just so you can be clear, it's on the label. we are -- you know, you can't argue. he just put it on a baseball cap. that seems very modest. >> stephen: you're not new britain. >> no. there was no argument about it. nobody said, are we sure about this?
seems a little strong. it's, like, yeah, sounds about right. we'll go with that. >> stephen: i never thought about you guys calling yourselves "great" britain. >> and the weird thing is everybody accepted it. i'm going to great britain for the holidays. yeah, it works. >> stephen: so i don't know aouw a lot about england. i get some of my news from the b.b.c. "newshour" during the day. where do you get your news, because you live here, right? >> i do. >> stephen: do you get your news from the b.b.c. to find out what's going on at home or around the world. >> sometimes. the failing "new york times." sad. ( laughter ) i'd start out with the news, i would say, quite ambitiously and then one and two clicks and you're reading a "huffington post" story about russell crowe's latest angry tweet or
whatever. >> stephen: you mean you go the whole of the internet? i call it the infanet. you go and you say, i'm going to look up the cuban missile crisis. an hour later you're going, there was an animated version of happy days in 1980 and scooby-doo was a guest? what the hell? ( laughter ) >> to be clear, tha that wouldne waste of time. >> stephen: but the animated series was. >> maybe. >> stephen: you have a 4-year-old son cyrus with claire danes. how talented is that person?! >> he's amazing, yeah. agreed. >> stephen: do you watch homeland? >> i do, yes. >> stephen: god, i am so hooked. >> fantastic. >> stephen: do you ever worry for your wife when you watch that show? >> i worry for my wife when she goes to work because i've seen the show and i know what she has to do. >> stephen: report.
are you cool parents? do you -- what do you do? hey, he's four, he can have a little wine. europeans, you know -- >> dip the finger in the wine. >> stephen: rub it on the gums when they're teething. i don't know. ( laughter ) >> i hear that works fine. >> stephen: any parenting tricks you and your wife use? >> we used -- i mean, like i guess a lot of people these days, the apps. it's all about the apps. we had a white noise app. >> stephen: i've got that. huge fans of random sound in the audience tonight. like a babbling brook or a fan. >> a noise, or the noise of a busy restaurant, like the clinking of cutlery, which seems to me like taunting the parents, this is what you will never experience for the next ten years of your life. but remember this? >> stephen: yeah, that's what i tell new parents.
they say, what shall i do? i'm, like, get some sleep, not a joke and go see movies, because you don't go out again for years. >> think about traveling. >> stephen: yeah. when babies are really small, i find traveling is okay. the real small ones because they have a handle. they're always in that carrying thing. you can go pretty fast. now, in the path, it's about a cult. you guys are in a cult. >> we are. >> stephen: have you ever been in a cult or anything like a cult? >> well, i did go to a british boring school. there is that. >> stephen: is that like a cult? all boys and -- >> yeah, this one was, all boys. it was a fairly old institution. we had our own language. >> stephen: you had your own language. >> yeah. >> stephen: is it hogwarts? ( laughter ) >> hogwarts is kind of new vogue. >> stephen: okay, i understand. yeah. what do you mean your own language? >> literally you arrived at school and they hand you a
booklet and they say we'll test you in two weeks, we have been doing this since the 1400s so don't mess up. >> stephen: such as? you would say i'm going to up to books, instead of to lessons. and if you were taking a bicycle, which you couldn't, but if you would have done that you would have been riding your bogle. >> stephen: taking your bowingle to books? >> you would be severely punished for that slip sniewp what would the punishment be, hugh? ( laughter ) or would it be self-administered? >> yes, and it goes on all your life. >> stephen: well, lovely to see you again. my best to claire danes. >> thank you. >> stephen: new episodes of "the path" are available on hulu. hugh dancy, everybody. back with a performance by "broken social scene." sick around. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ok let's call his agent. i'm coming over right now.
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here with "halfway home," ladies and gentlemen, broken social scene! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> ♪ you said we're halfway home you said survive ♪ you said we're halfway home you said survive ♪ come right, into the sunlight ♪ cause i see their cold eyes i fear they still grow ♪ like it was so what as if it's so much ♪ all through my fallen face
you said we're halfway home ♪ you said survive dreams change and i know that ♪ i'm gonna die but i don't need what i know now ♪ you were beautiful my love i see what i wanna hear ♪ if you don't believe in headlights ♪ you won't get caught in the mighty ♪ it's crossfire it's the blazing fear tears ♪ it's call fall end to end and i fear they still grow ♪ and you'll forget ♪ ♪
call out for a change ♪ but not believe in anything oh no cause if you never run, never ♪ run, how they gonna catch you alive ♪ cause if you never run, never ♪ run, how they gonna catch you alive ♪ cause if you never run, never ♪ run, how they gonna catch you alive ♪ cause if you never run, never ♪ run, how they gonna catch you alive ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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