tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 29, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PDT
hoo, sweet release, i am free. sincerely yours, sean spicer. p.s., please send gum. ( laughter ) >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert. tonight stephen welcomes mayim bialik, andy karl and comedian ramy youssef, featuring jon batiste and stay human. and, now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: woo! hey! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ thank you! woo!
you're too kind! please, everybody, thank you so much. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. well, the last 24 hours-- the last 24 hours have just raised more questions about why donald trump fired f.b.i. director james comey. okay. no one seems to know why. donald trump doesn't seem to know why. ( laughter ) because here's the deal-io. first, he said it was based on the recommendation of assistant attorney general and 50-year-old just hitting puberty, rod rosenstein. ( laughter ) hang in there, rod. now, trump even sent out mike pence to repeat that idea. you know, pence had to go out there and go, "what are you going to do? rod says he's got to go. rod's the man. our hands were tied." now, some people were skeptical that this was the reason. for instance, people like rod rosenstein, who said, and i'm paraphrasing, "what? no! sorry, fellas, no, no, no, no,
no." ( laughter ) at one point, rosenstein actually threatened to quit. it will all be detailed in his tell-all book "threatening courage." ( laughter ) still, the white house staff kept repeating that the decision came after the recommendation from rosenstein. and today donald trump backed those staffers up... then ran over them repeatedly by changing his story. >> monday you met with the deputy attorney general rod rosenstein. >> right. >> did you ask for a recommendation? >> what i did is i was going to fire comey. my decision. it was not-- >> you had made the decision before they came in the room? >> i, i was going to fire comey. i-- there's no good time to do it, by the way. they-- >> because, in your letter, you said i have accepted their recommendations. you had already made the decision? >> oh, i was going to fire regardless of recommendation. >> so there was-- >> stephen: yes, he was going to do it regardless. totally believable.
trump does have a long history of doing whatever he wants regardless. but hey, when you're a star, they let you do it. comey should have known he was in trouble when trump pulled out the tic tacs. ( laughter ) so if it wasn't on the recommendation of rosenstein, why did he get rid of comey? >> look, he's a showboat, he's a grandstander. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: that is really the squash calling the pumpkin orange. ( laughter and applause ) that was an orange float at the rose parade. and that wasn't trump's only interview this week. he also sat down with "the economist," and talked about chinese president xi jinping and the amazing things he learned about china.
"in fact, did you know that general tso was a real guy?! ( laughter ) yeah, i think he fought with cap'n crunch. not sure. let's check it out." ( laughter ) >> jon: magically delicious. >> stephen: i mean, in this interview with "the economist" trump really seems like he likes his new best friend xi jinping. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ♪ tell me more, tell me more, did you have lots of fun? ( laughter ) ♪ tell me more, tell me more. will they kill "kim jong-un"? ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
♪ tell me more tell me more ( laughter ) ♪ do you have any regrets ♪ tell me more tell me more, will they forgive our debt? ♪ ♪ thank you very much. ♪ go greased lightning! ( laughter ) and then-- what else? trump also laid out his new tax reform plan to "the economist," and used a totally original metaphor. ( laughter ) yes. don't adjust your television sets. ( laughter ) you heard that right. donald trump is claiming he came up with the phrase, "prime the pump?!" sir, did you learn nothing from melania's speech?
( laughter ) just don't do it! ( cheers and applause ) now, i'm no expert. i'm not sure who invented the phrase "priming the pump," but i think it goes back to the pump. ( laughter ) what other phrases did trump "invent?" "paper or plastic, that was me. ( laughter ) i'm the first one to call a left turn a 'louie.' how's it hangin'? no one wondered how it hung before me. chocoholic. you are the weakest link. goodbye." ( laughter ) trump also gave a white house tour to "time" magazine, and gave reporters a firsthand look at his dinner routine. wow!
two scoops? >> jon: oh, man! >> stephen: does he also get to ride in the front seat sometimes? ( laughter ) ( applause ) man, i wish i was the president! or really, anyone else. ( laughter ) trump was also sad about how everyone's been so mean to him, saying: you know what? i did not realize he was such a tender-hearted soul. ( laughter ) so i'm not gonna say anything negative about the president, like that his hands are so small he needs both of them to work a tv remote. ( laughter ) no, i'm going to let "time" magazine's picture say that for me. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) "hold on, hold on, i can't, hold
on-- tell the joint chiefs we are at code green. my thumb can't reach the on button." ( laughter ) but those, of course, are all just trifling details. the president also spoke to "time" magazine about the most important issue to him-- this show. ahem. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff )
the president of the united states has personally come after me and my show. and there's only one thing to say-- hehehe, yay! yay! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( audience chanting stephen ) mr. trump, mr. trump, there's a lot you don't understand, but i never thought one of those things would be show business. ( laughter ) don't you know i've been trying for a year to get you to say my name? ( laughter ) and you were very restrained, admirably restrained, but now you did it. ( whispering ) i won. ( cheers and applause ) oh, no! oh, no! please don't make me trend on
twitter again! don't throw me in that hashtag- briarpatch! ( laughter ) but, you're not wrong. i will give this to the man. i do occasionally use adult language. and i do it in public, instead of in the privacy of an "access hollywood" bus. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and it's true-- and it's true-- that's dignified, that is dignified. and it's true-- the night you appeared on this show right over there was very highly rated. in fact, the only episode that got better ratings was the night i had jeb bush on. ( audience reacts ) that's right. you got beat by low energy jeb. but don't worry, you won the ratings "college." ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's a reference to the electoral college. and making jokes about you has been good for ratings. it's almost as if the majority of americans didn't want you to be president. ( cheers and applause )
but you know who's got really bad ratings these days? you do. ( laughter ) terrible approval numbers. i hear they're thinking about switching your time slot with mike pence. ( laughter ) but since all-- ( applause ) but since all of my success is clearly based on talking about you, if you really want to take me down, there's an obvious way: resign. ( cheers and applause ) i mean, that's it, right? ( cheers and applause ) what, what on earth? i mean, if you did that-- sir, if you did that, what would i talk about then? except your resignation. because that would be fun. ( cheering ) and here's the thing: a
president going after someone telling jokes is unprecedented. that would be like richard nixon going after alfred e. newman. ( laughter ) and if i may, mr. president, i'd like to quote that great man: "what, me worry?" ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ we've got a great show for you tonight. mayim bialik is here. but when we come back, i got the first drafts of this year's most popular mother's day cards. stick around, moms. i love you, moms! raz, where are you? guys...i'm trapped, my boss wants me here. we are not leaving without you. just go downstairs now. ♪ rapunzel?! ♪ look for my c-hr. ♪
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that's my man! >> jon: yeah! woo! >> stephen: good to see you, jon! we all love our mothers, don't we? >> jon: yes. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and i tell you what moms love. they love getting mother's day cards, don't they? ( audience reacts ) that's what i'm talking about. it's the kind of gesture that says, "i passed the card display while buying mouthwash and batteries." ( laughter ) but even the best mother's day cards had to start somewhere. and the people who write them don't always nail it on the first try. which is why tonight we're taking a look at some early greeting card efforts in our segment "first drafts!" ♪ ♪ ( applause ) now, as always, in "first drafts," i always have somebody help me as we, to help me hold up the first drafts. so what i need right now is a mom. do we have a mom who would like to come up on stage? yes, young lady, come right here. what is your name? >> pam. >> stephen: pam? come with me, pam. ( cheers and applause )
all right. there we go. there we go, pam. right there. have a seat. thank you so much for being our guest today, pam. pam, it's mother's day. >> right. >> stephen: so for mother's day, we would like to give you, obviously, a mimosa. ( applause ) and a macaroni card that says "mom" on it. ( laughter ) have you gotten one of these before? >> i have, a few. >> stephen: these are for you. you can keep that. she can keep that, right? >> sure. >> stephen: that's cbs property. not sure if you can keep that. ( laughter ) so, pam, are you from new york or from out of town? >> i'm from nashville, tennessee. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, that's a lovely town. that's a lovely town. >> it is. >> stephen: very beautiful. and you have children of your own? >> i have two boys-- well, they're not really boys, they're men. but i have a 37-year-old son and a-- >> stephen: a what? >> 37-year-old-- >> stephen: no way! >> i do. >> stephen: what?! >> i'm going to have a grand
baby this summer. >> stephen: congratulations! thank you! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow, okay. >> i have another son, too, he's 33. >> stephen: you have a 33-year- old son as well. >> yes. >> stephen: is he going to have a grand baby soon? what's his name? >> danny. >> stephen: danny, get on the stick, okay? >> you bet! ( laughter ) now, what i would like you to do for me right here, i'd like you to hand me the top card off each of these. you can hold these in your lap. and then, let's see. just hand me the top card, and i'll hold it up, and this will be the final draft of the mother's day card, and then the next one will be the first draft of the mother's day card. do you understand the premise of the jokes we will be doing? >> i believe so. >> stephen: excellent. ( laughter ) um, okay, so this first one here, it says "happy mother's day to the world's best mom". that's lovely, who wouldn't want to get that. would you like that? >> i would. >> stephen: okay. but the first draft read, "kevin's mom lets us smoke weed in the basement." ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> probably happened in my house.
>> stephen: you ever have that situation? >> probably. >> stephenhents aren't as good as you, right? you don't let your kids play with those kids, right? >> no. >> stephen: okay, yeah. here's a nice one. it says, "you're not just my mom, you're my best friend." ( audience reacts ) >> that's very sweet. >> stephen: that was really sweet, all right. but the first draft said, "i'm going to start calling you "linda." ( laughter ) how would you feel about that? >> i don't think i'd like that, no. >> stephen: have your kids ever said, "hey, can i call you pam," or do they ever call you pam? >> not really. >> stephen: no? would you be okay with that if they said, "i want to call you pam?" >> maybe not. ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, i don't like it either. i don't like it either. all right? let's see. this one says, "happy mother's day. mom, you taught me everything i know." again, these are really good cards. ( laughter ) but the first draft not so much. the first draft said, "dad taught me how to siphon gas."
( laughter ) ( applause ) is your husband here? >> he is here. >> stephen: your husband is here? where is he? raise your hand. >> right there. >> stephen: is that you, sir, in the grey hair? is that you? >> yeah. >> stephen: did you ever teach the boys how to siphon gas? no? ( laughter ) >> oh, yeah, we'll see. >> stephen: we'll expect that card at father's day. all right, let's see what we've got here. oh, this is pretty on the outside. it says, "happy mother's day. we may be far apart, but a part of you is always with me." ( audience reacts ) >> aww. >> stephen: yeah. but if you look at the first draft it says, "happy mother's day. i'm slowly turning into you, and it creeps me out when i look in the mirror." ( cheers and applause ) you know that feeling? >> yeah. >> stephen: do your boys look like you or do they look like your husband? >> actually, it's-- i would say one is more me and one is probably my husband. >> stephen: okay. that's very even handed of you, mom. >> yeah. ( laughter )
>> stephen: which one looks more like you? >> oh, the oldest one. >> stephen: the oldest one. do you have a favorite? >> oh, i can't say that. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you can't say. she has a favorite. that means she has a favorite. simple answer no. simple answer no, senator. all right. ( laughter ) okay. we're joking. we're joking, boys. how about this card? it says, "happy mother's day." simple and to the point. but the first draft said, "happy mother's day. for the last time, here's your wifi password, don't throw this away." ( cheers and applause ) >> oh, that's happened. >> stephen: that's true? >> oh, yes. >> stephen: okay. here's one that says "happy mother's day to the mom i can talk to about anything." yeah, but the first draft read "i'm into butt stuff." ( laughter ) can't talk about that.
>> yeah. >> stephen: there are limits. there are limits. mom doesn't want to know. all right. you happy you came up here, mom? ( laughter ) okay, here's a nice one. let's see. "happy mother's day. you're the number one mom in the whole wide world!" ( audience reacts ) yep, but the first draft said, "statisticians say sample size is too small to accurately determine your ranking." ( laughter ) well, that's not nice. this one says, "happy mother's day. thanks for being my godmother." but the first draft read, "i'm not totally clear what your role is." ( laughter ) >> oh, my-- >> stephen: pam, thank you for being here. please enjoy your mimosa, please enjoy your macaroni art. and ladies and gentlemen, we'll be right back with mayim bialik. pam, everybody! happy mother's day!
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hey, everybody! welcome back! folks, get ready, because you know my first guest from "beaches," "blossom," and of course "the big bang theory." please welcome the lovely and talented mayim bialik. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: please, after you. nice to have you on the show. >> nice to be here. >> stephen: now, not only are you on this show on cbs tonight, but tonight the season finale--
>> of season ten. >> stephen: of season ten of "big bang theory" is tonight and i understand this is taped before that broadcast. >> correct. >> stephen: it's whatever, 3:45 or-- >> everyone dies -- whoops! ( laughter ) i'm kidding! oh, my-- >> stephen: but something big does happen. >> yeah, but not that. i was just kidding. >> stephen: hard to make that funny. >> i guess so. >> stephen: new "big bang" the universe starts all over again? is it something having to do with your character? >> yes. >> stephen: you can tell me that. >> good, you have a one in seven chance of being right with that guess. ( laughs ) >> stephen: well, you're here, i might as well take a stab with it. >> something big happens with my character and sheldon. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: something big has already happened between the two of you. >> we had coitus. ( laughs ) >> stephen: that's-- what a lovely way to put it. ( laughter ) >> are you blushing? >> stephen: under all this makeup, probably. ( laughter )
so, we had jim parsons on last week and he said he's not actually understanding any of the things he says on that show, nor does he want to understand. >> correct. >> stephen: okay, but you actually have a ph.d. in neuroscience. >> correct. >> stephen: was that just, like, intense? ( cheers and applause ) was that just like intense method acting? how did this come about? >> no. i mean, i actually, i took time off. i was on "blossom" when i was younger. >> stephen: i remember. >> i took off 12 years to get my undergraduate degree and my graduate degree at u.c.l.a., i had two children, did a lot of things in those years. and i returned to acting, honestly because we were running out of health insurance. >> stephen: pretty soon, everybody's going to return to acting. ( cheers and applause ) who would have thought that acting was the "safe choice"? ( laughter ) >> i had been teaching neuroscience for about five years after getting-- >> stephen: teaching
neuroscience? where were you teaching neuroscience? >> i taught junior high and high school in our home school community in los angeles and i also taught biology and chemistry. >> stephen: wow. so do you ever explain to the other cast members what they're saying means? >> so here's the thing about actors-- ( laughter ) they don't like when other actors say, "let me give you a little pointer on that one." ( laughter ) they don't like that-- >> stephen: not even pronunciation? >> they don't like that at all, no. >> stephen: oh. i love anyone's enthusiasm for knowledge, you know? there's such a... science isn't always valued as much as it should be. >> true. >> stephen: scientists, the people on-- the characters y'all portray on the show are referred to as nerds. how do you feel about that term "nerd"? >> actually, my first email address ever was firstname.lastname@example.org. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that was available? >> it was available, that's right, in 1995. it wasn't cool yet and no one wanted it, but i did. ( cheers and applause )
>> stephen: what makes someone a nerd, in your opinion? because there are a lot of controversy over the definition of nerd sometimes, like people, like there's a rise of nerd culture and people want to be in nerds but they don't know what qualifies you to be nerd. i thought nerd just means you're enthusiastic about something. >> really? >> stephen: yeah. >> like i'm enthusiastic about this mug. i'm a mug nerd. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, how mugs are made. and ancient kiln design. >> oh, so what you're talking about is not just enthusiasm, but it's an enthusiasm for how things work on an academic or an intellectual level? yeah, generally those things will fall under nerd. nerds don't tend to have an elaborate social life, but they can. we do. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. information is your-- >> you're now my best friend. so i had no other plans tonight. this is it. >> stephen: is there a, could i qualify as a nerd? >> tell me some of the things you like.
besides mugs. >> stephen: i really like astronomy. >> okay. >> stephen: i really love the "lord of the rings" and tolkien's entire legendarium. >> me too. >> stephen: oh, really? >> that would technically in my book qualify you also as a geek. >> stephen: so what is the difference between-- >> we could literally talk about this all night. >> stephen: let's cancel all the other guests. ( laughter ) let's geek out. so nerd versus geek. >> okay, so i'd say geek tends to be someone who's interested in those kinds of things, fantasy, you know, "star wars" culture, "star trek." those people aren't necessarily academically or intellectually inclined but they're inclined towards having friends who also like those kind of geeky things and that's usually their social circle. nerds tend to be by themselves. geeks are by themselves with other people who are also by themselves. ( applause )
>> stephen: so, let me see if i get this right. so, a geek, if i'm interpreting this correctly, is, "oh, yeah, i know that dude, i met that dude at comic con. yeah, he's cool." >> we play d and d together. >> stephen: exactly. nerd is, "we had no idea, he always seemed so quiet. ( laughter ) we didn't know he was ever going to snap. >> why are you perpetuating a stereotype? >> stephen: you're the one who said they have no-- >> that's my job on "the big bang theory." >> stephen: speaking of spreading ideas, you've got a book here-- that's called a segue, my friend-- ( laughter ) you've got a new book called "girling up: how to be strong, smart and spectacular." okay. ( cheers and applause ) >> right. >> stephen: what is girling up? how does one girl up? >> one girls up by becoming a woman from a girl. the book is written for ages 10- 18. and i basically used both my scientific background and my interest in the process of becoming a woman. and for me, i was a very unusual child-- i'm sure that's shocking to you-- i was an unusual teenager, i'm pretty much an unusual adult, and i wrote this book to kind of speak about the
full female experience both for girls who don't fit in and girls who do to teach about the full experience, and again, with kind of a background in science in terms of the hormones and the biological processes that are part of being a female. in addition to dealing with difficult things in the 21st century girls have to deal with. >> stephen: now, i'm a 52-year- old man. is there any way in which a man can girl up? ( laughter ) is there anything positive i could learn from this? >> you just asked me two different questions. there is something positive you can learn from this-- >> stephen: yes, but i can't girl up? >> unless- how gender fluid are you feeling tonight? ( laughter ) >> stephen: the night is young. ( applause ) "girling up" is out now! mayim bialik, everybody! we'll be right back with andy karl! it was lovely to meet you! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! my next guest, ladies and gentlemen, is nominated for a tony award for his performance in "groundhog day." please welcome, andy karl! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> so good. >> stephen: welcome to the show. nice to have you on. >> thank you very much. thanks for having me. >> stephen: we met briefly the other night. last week, last monday. >> at the met gala. >> stephen: the met gala. super splashy, super fancy. >> very cool. i wanted to say one thing i noticed when you were there, there is so much hubbub going on, there's celebrity galore. it's crazy. it was my first time there. >> stephen: fancy models and rihanna.
>> it's insane. but the one woman you wanted to be with was your wife and you just kept canoodling with her all night and it was just beautiful to see that. ( audience reacts ) i was with my wife ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow, thank you. you just got me some serious points. thank you very much. >> happy mother's day! >> stephen: thank you very much. did you meet any fun people? you run into really cool people, sitting there, talking to elon musk about methane reclamation systems on mars or something. you just never know who you are going to run into. >> i did not meet him. i met one of my favorite stars, hugh jackman. that was cool. ( cheers and applause ) wolverine! he had seen the show, my show the night before. so i was like, "thank you for coming." and he had such a great time. he didn't come backstage because he had his kids and stuff. but i was glad i could meet him there. and then he gave me this weird compliment that a friend of his told him that i look like a combination of him and anderson cooper if they had a love child. ( laughter ) and i was, like, i will take that compliment! >> stephen: yeah, that's a power couple.
>> it is. >> stephen: wow! ( laughter ) now, you're currently starring, as i said, in "groundhog day" on broadway. how's that going? >> it's so good. >> stephen: yeah. >> it's a great show. >> stephen: you're currently starring in "groundhog day" on broadway. ( laughter ) how's that going? >> so good. it's a great show. >> stephen: you're currently starring in-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) okay, but here's the thing, as people may not know. as you're nominated for a tony, it's a brilliant performance, everyone is blown away by your performance, but they might be more blown away if they know what you're working through. can you tell the people what happened three days before opening night? >> three days before opening night, i'll try to make a long story short-- >> stephen: you're all over the set, jumping, flipping -- >> yeah, i'm on stage pretty much the entire show. >> stephen: as phil connors. >> running around as phil conners, the weather man who's stuck in time. and, so it's a very active show and there's one part of the show
towards the end of the show where i'm running around saving everybody's life. i've learned my lesson as phil conners and i'm saving everybody's day, i'm catching cats falling from trees and all sorts of things. so i'm running from stage left to right. so, here comes the last part of the number, where i'm full tilt, stage left to stage right leapfrogging over somebody, landing, catching a woman falling off a ladder then catching a cat falling out of a tree. so i didn't get the catching part because after the leapfrog my a.c.l. just, like, ripped. ( audience reacts ) my knee went into this knee. i went down and i'm crawling off the stage sobbing and sad. this has a really good ending, at least. ( laughter ) >> stephen: this is not the sort of thing you can hide from the audience. >> you can't, no, we had to stop the show. they asked for a doctor in the house. which, i never thought i would hear that in my life. >> stephen: literally? over the loud speaker? >> yeah, and i think like a pediatrician came back and it was as close as we could get. but i sent everybody away
because i wanted to sing the last song of the show for the audience because we were so close to the end. the last song is a brilliant song by tim minchin, our composer called "seeing you," and it's about phil's journey throughout the show and he's learned his lesson and he's now able to see that everybody around him makes him better. and i still have a hard time talking about it, because when i walked back out on stage, i got such love from an entire audience, and the cast on-stage, and the crew. they just applauded me going out there and i sang that for them. it was one of the best theater experiences i've had in my life. and the worst as well. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and the show must go on. that's it. >> that's right. >> stephen: that's a real trooper. >> the show must go on. i learned that in theatre a long time ago in theater and it's proving it now. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'm guessing the guy, whoever it is who came up with the phrase "the show must go on" had not just torn his a.c.l., though. >> he had a hangnail--
>> stephen: the flu or something like that. >> ( coughing ) the show must go on. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're in "groundhog day," you've been in "rocky: the musical," do you specialize in doing musical versions of movies? because i could see you in "fast and furious" the musical. >> broadway drift. ( laughs ) >> stephen: is it sort of hard to fulfill the expectation of the audience who said, "i saw this movie, that's not phil conners?" >> yeah, well i think what's great about the show, is that it's a work of art. it really is so good the way they deconstruct it. what you do with a movie when you're turning it into a musical, you really have to tear it apart and put it back together again because you're adding music, you're adding emotion, you don't normally get. we built up some other characters, we made other characters sing that you wouldn't expect. so, what they've done is just brilliant and it's genius to look at and it's genius to listen to and danny ruben who wrote the original script with harold ramis is also the script writer for this show, so, we're in good hands and you're going
to love it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, lovely to meet you. "groundhog day" is at the august wilson theater. andy karl, everybody. we'll be right back with comedian ramy youssef! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ hey, need fast heartburn relief? try cool mint zantac. it releases a cooling sensation in your mouth and throat. zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. nexium can take 24 hours. try cool mint zantac. no pill relieves heartburn faster.
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is making his network television debut. please welcome, ramy youssef! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> hey! uh, my name is ramy youssef, and i'm muslim-- ( cheers and applause ) like, yeah, yeah. like, from the news? ( laughter ) have you guys seen our show? ( laughter ) fox news or any of the news, really. they're all about us. i get why people are afraid. i do. especially if you don't know a muslim, of course. i mean, even if sometimes i watch for too long, i'm, like, "whoa, am i going to do
something?" ( laughter ) they make it seem inevitable. i feel like, no matter what i do, i'm just going to turn 30 and get a hogwarts letter from isis. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) no, seriously, like there is going to be a dude at my house with a beard and an owl, like, "you're a terrorist, ramy, you have been one the whole time and we start in september." i'll be like, "all right, yeah, cool, do i get a wand?" i would join isis if they gave me a wand. like a wand is way cooler than democracy. seriously. that's not real. i don't know what is real anymore. like, i agree with trump when he says fake news. all the news feels fake because none of it really affects me. like i see this tragedy on a screen and i'm sad, but then i have my day, and it's fine.
like, i remember the day the muslim ban happened. i was upset. i have family that doesn't have citizenship. you know, i want to see them again. but personally, i had a really good day. ( laughter ) that day, i got cast in a taco bell commercial. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so, yeah. i'm watching tv and this guy is, like, this is a terrible day for all muslims. i'm like, "well... not all muslims." ( laughter ) and it was this shell made out of fried chicken, and i had this line that i had to say. i go, "a shell made out of fried chicken? that's in-conceivable." and then my mom texted me and she was like, "we're not sure if your uncle can get back in the country." and i was, like, "wow, mom, that's crazy. but you want to know what's inconceivable?
this shell." ( laughter ) obviously, i don't agree with the ban. of course not. but the problem is i do agree with, like, every third thing that trump says. it's like a weird multiple choice test. ( laughter ) he'll be like mexicans are rapists, muslims got to go, the government is broken, it could do better. i'll be, like, "well, one of those is true. are all of them true?" ( laughter ) and then he says some things that are definitely true. like they have nothing to do with the debate but hillary would be up there like, "this is what i'm going to do about isis, and i'm going to bring back jobs. how about you, donald?" and he would be just, like, "la guardia airport sucks." ( laughter ) and i would be, like, "it does, man! dude, hillary hasn't talked about la guardia all year! she's lying, check the e-mails." ( laughter )
and now we're here. i just-- i still think we're going to be okay. i really do. because i believe in god. like, god-god. not yoga. and i know that's a weird thing to say, i get it, you know, religious culture can be crazy. i don't agree with all of it. i grew up in a town where i watched my gay friends struggle to come out to the religious community. and now i live in l.a. where i'm a religious person struggling to come out to the gay community. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and tell them what i think. they're just like, "you believe in god? dude, that's so gay." ( laughter ) i just-- for me, god is hope that there's more to life than what's in front of us. you know, that even if things seem impossible, there's still a chance that it could be okay. and i'm not trying to be preachy, i'm really not. like, all i'm trying to say is just submit to islam because it's the truth.
( laughter ) ( applause ) and that's the only way you will be saved. seriously, that's the only way. trust me. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ you've got to do it. >> stephen: you can see him on the upcoming season of "mr. robot." ramy youssef, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ,,,, ♪ happiness is powerful flea and tick protection ,,,, from nexgard. nexgard kills fleas and ticks all month long.
and it comes in an easy-to-give tasty chew. and that makes dogs and owners happy. no wonder vets love it too. reported side effects include vomiting, itching, diarrhea, lethargy and lack of appetite. see your vet for more information on flea and tick protection you and your dog will love. nexgard. the vet's #1 choice. pg&e learned a tragic lesson we can never forget. this gas pipeline ruptured in san bruno. the explosion and fire killed eight people.
pg&e was convicted of six felony charges including five violations of the u.s. pipeline safety act and obstructing an ntsb investigation. pg&e was fined, placed under an outside monitor, given five years of probation, and required to perform 10,000 hours of community service. we are deeply sorry. we failed our customers in san bruno. while an apology alone will never be enough, actions can make pg&e safer. and that's why we've replaced hundreds of miles of gas pipeline, adopted new leak detection technology that is one-thousand times more sensitive, and built a state-of-the-art gas operations center. we can never forget what happened in san bruno, that's why we're working every day to make pg&e the safest energy company in the nation. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, nice to see you. that's it for the show, everybody.
now stick around for james corden and his guests goldie hawn and kevin bacon. goodnight! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't worry 'bout ♪ where you come from it's gonna turn out right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from laos, give it up for your ,