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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  June 2, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am PDT

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enjoy yourselves. be careful out there. we'll see you monday. captioning sponsored by cbs >> and we put the whole-grain mustard. ( cheers and applause ) every sandwich needs a sail of deliciousness. >> stephen: hey, jon, what are you up to? >> uh, sandwiches, stephen. i don't really have time right now. >> stephen: did you carve the radishes into roses? >> it's marigolds. they're marigolds. ( alarm beeping ) god, you made me late! son of a bitch. >> stephen: that's a rose. >> marigold. >> what is taking so long? come on! ( cheers and applause ) >> i'm so sorry, mr. noah. i spent a little extra time with the radishes. >> what are those, begonias? >> actually, marigolds. >> i need a coke. >> stephen: here's your coke, sir. sorry i'm late. i got caught up with him talking about his stupid radish rose. >> ( bleep ) they're marigolds. >> guys, i don't have time for this today, man, i have a show to do.
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>> sorry. >> stephen: so do i, yeah. ( laughter ) >> what's that button do? >> i don't know, man. i just do cokes and sandwiches. i heard it either starts stephen's show or blows up the sun. but, i mean, only an idiot would press that, right? ( explosion ) >> it's the "late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, stephen welcomes jon stewart, john oliver, samantha bee, ed helms and rob corddry. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: woo! ♪ ♪ hey! what's going on? ( cheers and applause ) how are you?
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what's going on, man? >> jon: what's going on? >> stephen: how was your weekend? >> jon: great. ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: hey! welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) huge story that broke just minutes ago, like, less than ten minutes ago. f.b.i. director james comey has just been fired by donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: wooo! >> stephen: wow, huge, huge donald trump fans here tonight. that shows no gratitude at all. >> jon: man. >> stephen: i mean, did trump forget about the hillary emails that comey talked about? i mean "thanks for the presidency, jimmy. now don't let the door hit you where the electoral college splits you. ( laughter ) i'm shocked. my heart is pumping.
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my pulse is racing. he fired the f.b.i. director who has said under oath that he's investigating the trump campaign's ties to russia. no rationale has been given yet as to why, but it came on the recommendation of attorney general jeff sessions. ( audience boos ) i think-- i think i might know why. i think he was fired because comey couldn't guess the name rumplestiltskin. ( laughter ) now, trump sent comey a letter in which he writes: >> stephen: does everything have to be about him? "while i greatly appreciate you telling me that i am an amazing lover-- ( laughter ) i am leaving you for a younger woman, on the advice of the department of justice." ( laughter ) now, we'll have more on this tomorrow when they scramble to
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cover the whole thing up. but-- ( laughter ) but speaking of cover-ups, speaking of cover-ups, this whole trump campaign-russia tie thing will not go away, no matter how many times trump tweets that the whole thing has gone away. the latest is former national security adviser and sam the eagle cosplayer michael flynn-- ( laughter ) see you at comic-con, sir. ( laughter ) flynn, you'll remember, was fired after just 24 days because he lied about his connections to russia and he also failed to report money he received from russian-linked companies, including $45,000 for attending a gala dinner in moscow where he sat next to russian president vladimir putin. really nice dinner, too. >> jon: man. >> stephen: yeah, it was so nice. no, no, no, it was a beautiful dinner. he got to choose between chicken, fish, or duffel bag full of untraceable cash. ( laughter ) yeah, gluten-free. that's the gluten-free option.
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( laughter ) well, yesterday, we learned that during their first meeting after the election, obama warned trump about hiring flynn. and it was just as effective as obama warning america about hiring trump. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. he seems persuasive. he seems persuasive. just couldn't seal the deal. okay, so if he did that, why didn't trump heed this warning? sources say trump thought obama was joking. ( laughter ) oh, you know, that old joke: "why did the chicken cross the road?" "he's working for the russians. and it's actually michael flynn in a chicken costume." ( laughter ) and obama wasn't the only one. in a senate hearing yesterday, former acting attorney general and future robin wright award- winning performance, sally yates, said she also warned the white house about flynn. >> the russians also knew that general flynn had misled the vice president and others. and that created a compromised
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situation, a situation wherein the national security adviser essentially could be blackmailed by the russians. >> stephen: so yates told the white house that flynn was compromised, and he was fired immediately... 18 days later. ( laughter ) that's a lot of lag time. if only there was some quick catch phrase trump had for removing people from their jobs. ( laughter ) oh, i know-- "you're not my son- in-law." ( applause ) but, "out, out." i don't know. but trump's not worried about the testimony of sally yates or the testimony of former intelligence director james clapper, tweeting: um, mr. president, a little tip: when you put "no evidence" in quotes, uh, it really makes you
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seem "innocent." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) and to really drive the point home, trump photoshopped that tweet into his twitter banner. um, if you're going to photoshop something into this picture, i'd recommend maybe a black person? ( laughter ) just-- just pretend-- just-- ( cheers and applause ) pretend it's a college brochure. people are still angry about the health care bill that congress passed last thursday. is that when the house passed it, last thursday? people are still angry about that, and-- ( audience boos ) you were a little late, but thank you. and trump knows why.
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"ocare," of course, is an abbreviation for the words "obama" and "cares if you die." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and house republicans-- yay! yay! we're gonna die! and house republicans are taking heat, like idaho congressman and hispanic dilbert, raul labrador. ( laughter ) >> you're mandating people on medicaid accept dying. you are making a mandate-- >> no one wants anybody to die. you know, that line is so indefensible. nobody dies because they don't have access to health care. ( crowd boos ) >> stephen: he's right. he's right. they die from saying things like that to an angry mob with nothing to lose. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers )
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>> jon: can't say that. you can't say that. >> stephen: that is ballsy. labrador defended his remarks, saying: >> stephen: oh, the problem isn't what he said. it's that it wasn't said elegantly. let me try for just a second. let me try. uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) this really messes with your depth perception. ( laughter ) here we go. here we go. nobody dies because they don't have access to health care. ( laughter ) elegant! ( cheers and applause ) look where i lit it. look where i lit it.
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there you go. ( laughter ) oh, that is some-- that is some good filter. ( laughter ) another defender of the bill was director of the office of management and budget and man asking god to strike him down now, mick mulvaney. this sunday, he told cbs's john dickerson why we shouldn't worry about the new health care bill. >> the bill that passed out of the house is most likely not going to be the bill that is put in front of the president. >> so the president kept saying this is a great bill and it's a good bill but it's incomplete is what you're saying? >> no, i'm saying that the senate is part of the government. this is a bill that passed down to the house. you and i are about the same age, we remember "school house rock" when we were kids, i'm just a bill, yes, i'm only a bill, we're going to go through that process. >> stephen: yes, it's just like "school house rock." ( laughter ) so, here to comment live from the capitol steps, please welcome bill, the republican health care bill, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) bill, thank you for joining us.
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>> thanks for having me, stephen. >> stephen: now, bill let me just ask you something-- >> ♪ i'm just a bill, yes i'm only a bill. ♪ and i'm sitting here on capitol hill ♪ >> stephen: i understand. but-- >> that's my song. >> i know it's your song, bill. it's how you're known. but do you agree with mick mulvaney that you are not yet in your final form? >> that's right, stephen. the house may have passed me, but now i go to the senate, and the whole thing starts all over again. it's a long journey, but i can't wait to be a law! >> stephen: bill, you should know, a lot of people don't like you. >> they don't? but, stephen-- ♪ i'm just a bill, yes i'm only a bill ♪ and i'm sitting here on cap-- >> stephen: we know. listen. >> oh, that's right, we established that. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, bill, i have got to ask-- have you even read yourself? >> well, no, i thought the congress would read me. >> stephen: well, they didn't, bill, and if you become law, 24 million people could lose
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their health insurance. >> what? that's terrible. well, at least i cover pre- existing conditions. >> stephen: no, you don't do that, either. >> my god, i'm a monster! who created me? >> stephen: bill, i don't know how to tell you this, but donald trump... is your father. ( laughter ) >> no! that's not true! that's impossible! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: read yourself, bill. read yourself, bill. you know it to be true. >> noooooooooooo! >> stephen: just calm down, bill, calm down. it's going to be all right. >> no, i have to be stopped. if no one else will do it, i'll veto myself! >> stephen: no, bill! no, bill, don't! >> aaarrgghhh! >> stephen: oh, my god. he's-- he's dead. >> no, i'm not.
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they made copies. we're all screwed! >> stephen: health care bill, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ we've got a great show for you tonight. we've got jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, rob corddry, and ed helms! stick around! my sweetheart's gone sayonara. this scarf all that's left to rememb... what. she washed this like a month ago! the long lasting scent of gain. now available in matching scents across your entire laundry routine.
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a delicious chew that protects for an entire month. ask your vet for more information. reported side effects include vomiting and itching. nexgard. the vet's #1 choice. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back to the show, everybody. jon batiste and stay human right there. that's the band right over there! >> jon: aaaaahhhh! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, my god. i am-- there is-- there is an absolutely electric feeling in this building tonight. it is so incredible to see my old friends from "the daily show" here.
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jon stewart, john oliver, sam bee, ed helms, rob corddry. ( cheers and applause ) we were all just talking backstage. none of us have aged a day. ( laughter ) and just seeing those guys, it just really takes me back. i mean, i can still remember my last day at the "the daily show" like it was yesterday. i can't put it into words but i can put it into flashback. is this... is this working? can we do the effect, please, jim? is that the... that's the-- ahhhh... my final day. so many memories. but there comes a time when a man has to do something completely different-- the same character, half an hour later, half a block away. ( laughter ) courage. okay, just got to pack up my lucky mug. ( laughter ) got to pack up my lucky box of free printer cartridges. ( laughter ) and my lucky tangerine ibook-- ( laughter ) the sleekest, most stylish
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product apple will ever make. ( cheers and applause ) there we go. >> hey, stephen. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, hi, samantha bee. >> getting ready to head out, stephen? >> stephen: yeah, samantha bee. i am. >> i can't believe you're leaving right in the middle of the george w. bush administration. there's never going to be another president this good for comedy. ( laughter ) i mean, this guy does something ridiculous, like, at least once a month. ( laughter ) you know, i know there's one thing for sure-- there is no scenario in which i will ever say, "god, i wish george w. bush was president." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) hey, um, have you seen-- >> stephen: you look great by the way. you look fantastic. >> have you seen my yogurt? >> stephen: i have not seen your yogurt. no, i have not seen it. >> okay. >> hey, stephen! >> stephen: hey, rob corddry, hey, ed helms. ( cheers and applause ) what's up you guys?
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>> i can't believe you're leaving us, stephen. i mean, it's crazy. it's like beyonce leaving destiny's child. but we're never going to hear from her again. ( laughter ) >> stephen: thanks for stopping by to say goodbye, guys. >> actually, we came because we're fighting over which one of us gets your office. >> stephen: i just don't know how to choose. >> come on, man. i'm already ready to hang up my poster of my two favorite comedians. ( laughter ) bill cosby, and subway spokesman jared fogel. >> stephen: i know one thing, rob: they will never let you down! ( laughter ) >> hey, has anyone seen my yogurt? >> stephen: nope, nope, haven't seen it. >> hello there, chums. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! >> how about that? >> stephen: oh, hey, look, it's- >> that's right, it's me, steve
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carell, the lovely correspondent from "the daily show" in 2005. >> why are you talking in that horrible british accent? >> that's a good question. because unlike you feeble-minded chuckle-monkeys, i'm off to hollywood to become a serious actor, but it is me, steve carell. ( laughter ) and i can prove that by saying something only steve carell can say, "i have so much body hair, that there is an unbroken line of fur between my eyebrows and my ankles." ( laughter ) classic steve. >> that's steve, yeah. >> has anyone seen my yoghurt? >> stephen: uh, no, no. ( laughter ) >> oh, there we are. ( cheers and applause ) >> don't look at me! don't look at me! don't look at me! i'm hideous! >> stephen: jon? jon, what are you doing in there? the show is about to start? >> we're doing another show today? >> yes, jon, it's a daily show.
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you have to do it every day. >> why every day? you could cover everything you need to say about politics in half an hour on a sunday night! >> people would watch that? on a sunday? i doubt it. ( laughter ) >> or a wednesday at 10:30, 9:30 central. >> everybody, shut up! shut the ( bleep ) up! shut your mouths! shut up! got it? ( laughter ) jon! >> yes! >> why are you eating our yogurts? ( laughter ) >> because right now, we're a family. and if someone's in need, we're always there for each other-- especially you, steve carell. >> thanks. ( laughter ) jolly good. >> but i guess i'm realizing that families grow up. kids go off to college, or star in a billion-dollar film franchise about a hangover. ( laughter )
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>> $1.42 billion. ( cheers and applause ) >> or an academy award-winning franchise about a hot tub time machine. ( cheers and applause ) >> that won an academy award? >> well, it's still 2005, so you can't prove that it has not! ( laughter ) >> i guess i'm realizing one day you'll all spread your wings and leave me. and all i'll have left of you is your yogurts. >> five minutes to show time, people! >> oh, my god. you! get me footage of an old lady slipping on ice. >> one frozen granny fanny coming up, as steve carell always says. >> he always says that. all right, you guys give me three puns about donald rumsfeld's penis. >> okay, schlongald nuts-feld! >> wrinkled shafts-feld! >> prick-retary of prick-fense, ding-dong rumsballs! >> brilliant! no wonder we win emmys! ( laughter ) all right. >> stephen: what about me, jon? what do i do? >> stephen, i guess just arch your eyebrow or something.
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makes people think you're smart. >> stephen: got it! ( cheers and applause ) >> but first, before we do anything, our traditional pre- show prayer. hands in, everybody. >> okay. >> goooo, liberal agenda! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: stick around, everybody. all these people are on the show tonight. we'll find out how much of what we just said was real. ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is a gentleman farmer, but you know him from his roles in "the faculty," "half baked," and "death to smoochy." please welcome jon stewart! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ when i see your face
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mellow as the month of may ( cheers and applause ) ♪ oh, darling, i can't stand it when you look at me that way ( cheers and applause ) ♪ oh, baby when i see your face mellow as the month of may ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers ) >> i'm-- i'm not comfortable here. ( laughter ) i don't feel-- i don't feel comfortable. >> stephen: i am perfectly comfortable-- >> i know you're comfortable. i don't feel comfortable. i'll tell you, i don't feel comfortable. >> stephen: why? >> i've been reading about you. i've been seeing about you in the news. you have a potty mouth.
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( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that, i do. ( cheers and applause ) but might i say, i learned it from you, dad. ( laughter ) do you-- you know that james comey was fired by trump, right? >> what? ( laughter ) >> stephen: did you-- i got a question for the audience. when i said that comey was fired by trump, you all cheered. why? ( laughter ) is it because what he did to hillary? ( cheers and applause ) but you know he's investigating trump's campaigns' ties to russia, which will now evaporate like cotton candy in the ocean. >> no, you know what you've got. ( audience boos ) they were riding a wave-- that was like a beginner's surfer's class where they were like, "i'm standing up! oh, no, wait! oh, no, now i'm on my knees! hang on." i hate that guy, i love that guy, but trump did it-- but they didn't know how to feel and it was interesting to watch. >> stephen: well, listen, you
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live on a farm now, okay. >> i don't-- >> stephen: you live on a farm. >> i live in new jersey. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: there are farms in new jersey. >> no-- >> stephen: you have a farm. you have a farm. >> but i don't-- >> stephen: on a night like this when james comey has just been fired, do you miss, you know, doing a show like this? because you used to, you know, talk about ( bleep ). now you literally shovel it. ( laughter ) do you miss-- do you miss-- like is tonight a night like, "i want to get in there?" >> there are nights where i find myself, sort of, impotently shouting into the abyss, which if you think about it, wasn't that different from what i did on a nightly basis. >> stephen: no, no, ultimately these shows are shouting into an altoid tin and throwing it off an overpass. >> um, i miss the-- the process of making the show somehow became entwined with my process of making sense of things that i-- that i didn't understand and the two sort of merged at some level.
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so i miss that. and i miss the people, like you and, you know, all the great people that were around it. and it is nice certainly, you know, when you come out. in life, very few people applaud you. ( laughter ) like, like if i go to the store to get something, it's not like, "oh, my god, bread!" ( laughter ) like, it's not-- like here you come out, and there's-- there's a response and affirmation that you don't necessarily get amongst sheep and goats. but, i don't-- the things that i've gained in terms of time spent with family and things like that, i wouldn't give up. >> stephen: you're going to make me cry, jon. >> oh, stop it! >> stephen: i haven't seen you, we haven't been together to talk since bill o'reilly-- >> what happened? >> stephen: he went to a farm upstate. ( laughter ) is it your farm by any chance? i invited him to come live with us on the farm.
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>> i'll tell you, we only have geldings and-- we have no bulls. only steers. everybody-- everybody pays a price for freedom on our farm. >> stephen: are you surprised that it actually happened for him after so many years of not happening? that's what surprised me, not that it happened but after so many years of people knowing the behavior he was accused of and the cash payoffs and stuff like that-- >> the thing was run by a guy who was doing the same thing. roger ailes was involved in a similar thing. so how could he fire, how could you call somebody who works for you and say, "this sexual harassment stuff, and the money we're paying out, it's got to stop." when you are paying out money for sexual harassment. there was no accountability throughout the entire building. it was-- i'll tell you-- you've been over there. it felt like-- i remember i would go and i would tape bill o'reilly's show, and as you would leave, you would see little heads, like, pop out of doors in the hallways, almost like that scene in-- in "raiders of the lost ark" when he's in the mine and all the kids look out.
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it was that feeling of, "take us with you." like it was-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's "temple of doom" jon. >> was it "temple of doom?" >> stephen: it's "temple of doom." you've really lost a step. ( laughter ) >> you have no idea. i honestly, it is like, when you grow the beard, i now-- my children tell me my kisses feel like punishment. like, that's not, that's what my life is right now. ( laughter ) what do you think? smooth? ( applause ) smooth, right? >> stephen: soft as an angel's ( bleep ). >> are you-- do you feel like-- are you surprised -- >> stephen: he's mad. >> angel's ( bleep ). he's mad i said angel ( bleep ), and now they have to bleep that. >> is that true? >> stephen: i said soft as an angel's ( bleep )? i'm insulted that that will be bleeped. because that's like saying you wouldn't kiss an angel's ( bleep ). ( laughter ) shame on you! shame on you! >> the things that you say, even if they are crass or in some ways are not respectful enough to the office of the presidency. we can insult.
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he can injure. like, it's the difference between insult and injury. and for the life of me i do not understand why in this country we try to hold comedians to a standard we do not hold leaders to. ( cheers and applause ) it's bizarre. >> stephen: all right, well, we'll be right back with more jon stewart. and some other people you're gonna love. stick around. ♪ ♪ chevy is the most awarded car company three years in a row. really... let's see how quickly you can read through all their awards. 2017 motor trend car of the year. kelley blue book 2016 best resale value... u.s. news best car for the money. 10 best blah blah blah only about 90 more to go! 2017 safety. 2017 north american car of the year! that's a lot of awards! now through june 12th, get 0% financing for 72 months on all 2017 chevy tahoe models. find new roads at your local chevy dealer.
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back to the "late show" with jon stewart right here. ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, i am thrilled and honored to say that my next guests are comedians, movie stars, and late-night hosts. please welcome the host of "full frontal," samantha bee! ( cheers and applause ) the host of "last week tonight," john oliver! ( cheers and applause ) star of "the hangover" movies and "the office," ed helms! ( cheers and applause ) and the star of "hot tub time machine" and "ballers," rob corddry!
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( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, good to see you! good to see you. how are you? i'm not going to hug you this time. corddry, corddry, good to see you. please, have a seat. please, and we sit. and we sit. >> okay, all right. >> this is-- >> stephen: now i'd like to start off by staying-- >> stephen, stephen, am i doing this wrong? >> stephen: just don't make eye contact. don't give him food or he won't go away. >> his breath is really hot! >> for warmth. >> stephen: i want to start off by saying this arrangement we have right now is exactly something we would have made fun of on "the daily show." >> yep! >> we would have! >> stephen: because it looks fake. it looks like a morning show right now. >> it does. empty-- empty coffee mugs. >> i think, the thing i'm proudest of from "the daily show" was diversity. i think that's the thing that-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's what this proves. >> there's a bald guy. >> yeah.
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>> i'm not wearing a jacket. >> stephen: so, okay, so, jon, you start "the daily show." let's just go down memory lane. you started "the daily show" in 1999. >> i started in it in 1999. it started in '96. >> stephen: there is no proof that "the daily show" existed before you got there. ( laughter ) because i've looked at the comedy central website and i think they burned all the tapes. ( laughter ) i started-- i was there before jon-- >> yes. >> stephen: not to throw weight around. i was at "the daily show" before you were. >> yes. >> stephen: i started 20 years ago? in 1997-- >> i met you at the press conference where i got to be introduced as the host. stephen showed up and asked me a question as a member of the press. >> stephen: right, because when it was announced you were going to be there in person-- which they didn't tell anyone on the staff that jon was going to be the new host. they just announced a press conference. and i said on "the daily show" i think we would cover this press conference. so i just showed up unannounced and i said, "mr. stewart, question: the fact that you've been announced as the host of the "the daily show." how does that impact my chances of becoming host of "the daily show"? ( laughter ) >> i remember, and i turned to
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the president of comedy central at that time and said, "i thought you told me he wasn't funny?" >> stephen: and thereby a great friendship was born. so who started next after me? when did you start? >> we both started the exact same time. >> the same day-- 2002. >> we auditioned you two on the same day. >> stephen: there were auditions? >> oh, yeah. we had a whole process. >> oh, yeah. >> went through the gauntlet >> and you find out later that those auditions are televised throughout the entire building. >> yes, yes! >> stephen: so you're sitting there and everybody is watching it? >> by the way-- >> it's on all the monitors in the entire building. >> stephen: if you guys don't remember your early field pieces we have a clip together here of. ( cheers and applause ) it's just a little snippet. it's a little snippet here. it starts off with ed. it's you getting a mole removed from your nose was your first piece. i think you're covering gay penguins. >> yeah. it wasn't my first but-- >> stephen: early ones. >> a classic bee piece.
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>> stephen: rob, i think that you're talking about how spider- man prays? >> i don't remember. >> stephen: and, oliver, yours is about war re-enactors. >> correct. >> stephen: jim. >> it's a mole, a harmless mole. >> if i were to get this removed, is the tube in my rectum, is that a very uncomfortable part? ( laughter ) >> in your rectum? >> is that-- >> in your rectum? >> if you were to believe the producers of "spider-man," a leotard is a sexy outfit that attracts the ladies. but after an exhaustive investigation, i learned that that is simply not case. ( beeping ) really funny, thank you. ( laughter ) yeah, yeah, thanks. >> how many gay penguins do you actually have? >> three pairs that are same sex. one female-female pair among the gentu penguins, and two male- male pairs among the chin straps. >> so two of your gentu penguins
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and four of your ( bleep ) strap penguins are gay. ( laughter ) >> chin strap penguins. >> that's what i said. >> aaarrgghh! freedom! aaarrgghh! ( laughter ) john oliver had come face to face with the true face of war. i think i've broken my nose. i was gravely injured. it replayed in my mind in black and white, in slow motion, with cartoon sound effect. ( applause ) >> yup, yup. >> stephen: okay. jon, did you ever-- did you ever feel bad about what you were sending us out to do? >> no. ( laughter ) no. i enjoyed it and would try and heighten it. >> yeah. >> john's lucky that we didn't do that bit on pavement. ( laughter )
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we were going to do that whole-- >> stephen: did you ever, sam, do you remember going out and being afraid like this person might throw a punch at me or something like that? >> oh, yeah. oh, definitely! oh, for sure. i mean, i would spend days with the worst homophobes and sometimes just the worst people you could possibly imagine, and you have to get them to engage in this big sketch that you've done and you've taken three airplanes to get there, and you need them to give you some content. so you have to be really nice to them all day in their homes-- >> big homophobes were never around good travel hubs. ( laughter ) >> they were not. >> that was always the worst part about the big homophobes. you always had to take a little puddle plane and then like another little thing. >> yeah. >> stephen: i had to flee the klan one night. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: i had to flee the klan. that was my second field piece. >> that's right. >> wow. >> stephen: yeah, i made the mistake of-- we were doing comedy central station i.d.s at the time on our shoots, and we went out to a cross burning in the countryside, and-- as you do, it was a summer kicker like, "let's find out where the klan
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was formed." so we went to polaski, tennessee-- >> don't make it sound like "steel magnolias." ( laughter ) >> stephen: they don't know who i was, and we go out to this cross burning on the countryside and i go, "oh, this would be a perfect summer kicker." and there's a cross burning behind me and i said, "i'm stephen colbert, and this is comedy central." and i looked around and then there are guys, big guys in hoods saying to me, "comedy what? what is this now? where are y'all from?" and i said-- i said, "my producer right here will talk to you." ( laughter ) >> and as you know, all the producers-- so this is stephen colbert-- all the producers are short jews. ( laughter ) so basically, he's sending a small mouse into a lion's den. ( laughter ) >> stephen: this is actually-- and a woman as well. she came over at the moment. and she goes, "what is the problem?" and he goes, "what's this comedy thing? you making fun of the klan?" and she goes, "look, guys, the president of the klan is over there across the field and he knows all about what we're doing
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go talk to him." and they said, "we're going to." and they all walk off across the field. and she goes, "haul ass!" ( laughter ) and we ran as fast as we could. >> wow. >> that's awesome. >> stephen: we've got to take a break we'll be right back with more sam bee, john oliver, jon stewart, ed helms, and rob corddry. stick around. ♪ ♪ go, go! [ rock music playing ] have fun with your replaced windows. run away! [ grunts ] leave him! leave him! [ music continues ] brick and mortar, what?! [ music continues ] [ tires screech ] [ laughs ] [ doorbell rings ] when you bundle home and auto insurance with progressive, you get more than a big discount.
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! we're back with sam bee, ed helms, rob corddry, john oliver, and jon stewart. >> do you remember the guy who was homonasic? lived in florida and he-- he was like, "i don't hate gay people. they just make me nauseous." >> yes. >> because all of the lesbians are coming to florida, and converting the straight white women to lesbianism, and it's making me physically nauseous. >> yes. wasn't he running for something? >> he was also running for office. ( laughter ) >> that's what it was. >> and i think he-- >> that was his platform. >> he's probably doing great now. but i caught him planning a threesome with me and the producer that i went down with. he had-- >> stephen: what do you mean "planning it?" >> he was planning with his friend, that they were-- sorry, not a threesome, a foursome. with him and his friend.
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they were going to separate us and take us to-- >> whoa! >> but like, consensually. they just assumed that we were in love-- >> stephen: that's a lovely story now. ( laughter ) thank you, thank you. >> no, no, they assumed we were- >> i feel terribly-- like, this is just-- like, this is actually not your show. it's dr. phil's show, and he's going to be over there, and he's just going to talk about how i allowed all of you to be put in these situations. >> stephen: did you ever think you could make yourself talk to people-- you would be in there, like you had a point of view, always. the field pieces, you had a point of view, like a real reporter, i suppose-- >> the beauty is i'm dead inside. so... ( laughter ) >> stephen: that is so helpful. not having a soul. >> we spotted that during his audition. >> that's the thing. i'm british and so far removed from anything you would recognize as human emotions. ( laughter ) i was really perfectly cut for this job because you would see people distressed and think-- >> so lucky.
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>> it makes life so much easier. >> i know, i know. >> stephen: let's remind people what jon was like when i met him. this is jon stewart and his enormous suits back in the day. >> aww. >> stephen: they actually made you wear craig kilborn's suits. look how big that suit is. >> that guy is so immensely ( bleep ). ( laughter ) um, i do think there is something in this, though, that i would like to discuss very briefly, and that is why has age ravaged me. ( laughter ) you were the ones out in the field. i'm in a studio surrounded by craft services, and yet in a benjamin button scenario, i am at the beginning of the movie, and you all seem fine. ( laughter ) and this is-- i find this very peculiar. and is it because are you still in show business that you are being preserved? when you leave show business, like a desiccant just goes up your-- ( laughter ) and dries you out from the inside-- >> stephen: when you leave the
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amniotic sack that's what happens. >> you look like a garden of earthly pleasures, and i am a small handful of potpourri, that has dried. ( laughter ) and i'm not suggesting that i'm not still aromatic to some extent. ( laughter ) >> right. >> yeah, that's fair. >> but, clearly, this is-- i mean, this really does look like a group of students coming back to see mr. holland at the end-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's the end, and i've done it all. i've gone for six years, and you're going to be like, "do you remember that time you played the theme from 'rocky' for us?" and i'm just going to be like, "i don't remember anything." >> i can't remember anything! >> it's really shocking and quite upsetting. you look younger. >> you're still beautiful. >> so beautiful! >> so beautiful. >> thank you? >> you glow. >> i sleep in formaldehyde, which is-- >> we live in l.a., so there's a whole thing that goes on there, right? >> are we talking...
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( sniffing ) >>oh, yeah. ( laughter ) >> is that what you're talking about? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nothing keeps you younger. i just want to tell you, i just want to indulge myself before we go, i want to thank all of you guys for being here. this was what it was like to hang out backstage. right? this is what it was like to hang out backstage for years at "the daily show"-- >> the couches were different. >> stephen: not this nice, not this nice. >> very nice couches. >> stephen: it was the greatest experience, greatest experience. >> smaller space. >> stephen: and i wouldn't have this gig or any gig if it hadn't been for this man and the show he-- ( cheers and applause ) and all of you. and i want to go out on jon interviewing me as al sharpton in the favorite thing i ever did with this man on that show. thank you all! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) >> i know that you lost-- and now you're running for president. seems backwards, but what are your thoughts on that? ( laughter )
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>> stephen: um, i'm going to win. ( laughter ) i'm rested. i'm ready. i'm thin. ( laughter ) i-- i've got street cred now, since i've been in the old gray bar hotel. ( laughter ) which is what the kids are calling it these days. that's it. ( cheers and applause ) ,,,,,,,,,
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captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from czecaka, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden!


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