tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS July 14, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
late show with stephen colbert is next. >> have a great weekend! ning sponsored by cbs >> and now the "late show" is proud to present an exclusive deleted scene from spiderman home coming. >> uncle ben! you're hurt! ( coughing ) >> i'll get whoever did this to you! >> you won't have to look far! what do you mean? i did this to myself! but why? the new health care bill, it cuts back on medicaid, so i won't be able to afford to live in a nursing home! this is just quicker! >> oh, that makes sense. why are you dressed like that? >> i got bit by a radio active
spider. >> yeah, i don't think radio active spider bites are covered either! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes john oliver, woody harrelson and musical guest emmylou harris, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: a litten gentler! thank you very much! hey, everybody! jon, rare to see you in the same
outfit ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) i wish we had a crowd like that thursday and friday night. these people are incredible. they give and give. ( piano riff ) welcome to the "late show." i'm stephen colbert. end of a long week for donald trump, jr. ( laughter ) he hasn't been under this much stress since his first job interview. "i see here on your resume that you're my son. special skills, having my same name. you're hired." ( laughter ) and it's looking more and more like that meeting with the russian lawyer might not just mean trouble for donald trump, jr., but also the other campaign staff he invited, paul manafort and jared kushner. eric trump wasn't invited, because they were afraid he'd try to take off the russian lawyer's head to see if there were more lawyers nesting inside.
( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) too dangerous. they could not risk it. international incident is what that would be. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: and who was the international operative who set up this clandestine meeting? none other than music publicist and old guy at the rave no one wants to dance with, rob goldstone. goldstone runs a public relations company in england named "oui 2." which is also what trump allegedly ordered in that russian hotel room. ( laughter ) allegedly! goldstone is a shadowy character, but my team of experts were able to dig up some evidence on him through a complex hacking method called "visiting his facebook page." ( laughter ) and he's clearly a master of disguises. here he is as a chef, pirate shriner, and mexican wrestler. clearly the man has spent
decades deep undercover in a pop-up halloween store. because if goldstone weren't an international super-spy, why would he have other identities, like this video -- >> i like to condition and moisturize my hair. i'm a good girl. >> stephen: jim, that's the wrong footage. i didn't ask for an international supermodel. ( laughter ) okay. of course, with don, jr. and jared kushner embroiled in scandals, president trump can still turn to senior advisor and man drinking quietly at the back of the bowling alley, steve bannon. ( booing ) lot of steve bannon fans tonight. we haven't heard from bannon in a while, but he's back in the news thanks to a new book called "devil's bargain." which is also the name of steve bannon's signature cologne. ( laughter ) an excerpt of the book was
published this week in new york magazine, and it's full of juicy details like his rivalry with jared kushner, who bannon says was trying to "shiv him and push him out the door." oh, yeah, you know jared's a bad-ass. i heard he was captain of his prep school's shiv team. ( laughter ) ( applause ) who doesn't love a good shivving? and according to the book, when the president fired james comey, bannon was against it. but once the backlash hit, trump turned to bannon to "create an outside war room" to "put a prophylactic around the oval office." so, at least now we know trump is using protection when he's screwing us. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh! >> stephen: it's so important. ( piano riff ) it's so important. >> jon: it's important to use protection, huh? ( piano riff ) ( applause ) >> stephen: and you need not worry about steve bannon's
self-esteem. the book reveals that he owns "an oil painting of himself dressed as napoleon in his study." we just have reports, no image of the painting, but i had my graphics team work up a rendition. here's the original. and here's bannon. ( laughter ) looking good. he's had a little work done. he's had a freshen up. but bannon's not the only trump insider in the news. so is attorney general and imp who gets your firstborn if you don't guess his name, jeff sessions. ( laughter ) earlier this week, sessions spoke to an "anti-l.g.b.t. hate group" in a closed-door speech. closed-door? come on guys, it's 2017! it's okay to come out, and let your hate flag fly! you're here, you fear, we're used to it. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) thank you. we're celebrating your journey! the group sessions spoke to was "alliance defending freedom," a
powerhouse christian law firm, defending clients like the bakery that refused to make a same-sex wedding cake. they also wrote model legislation, such as "bathroom bills", which are aimed at keeping transgender people out of restrooms. so no cake for gay couples, no bathrooms for transgender people, and bisexuals may not use shampoo and conditioner in the same bottle. gotta pick a side. ( applause ) got to. it's in the bibleoplace. leviticus. always a safe bet. ( laughter ) leviticus is a very safe bet. whoever wrote leviticus was uptight, let me just say that. ( laughter ) the a.d.f.'s mission has been described as "seeking to recover the robust christendomic theology of the 3rd, 4th, and 5th centuries." ah, the good old days! ( laughter ) the third, fourth and fifth
centuries -- when men were men and women died in childbirth at fourteen. so what did sessions say to these people? we've asked but we don't know because, so far, both the a.d.f. and the justice department have "declined requests to release his full remarks." which means we can only speculate what he said. so i will. ( laughter ) ( applause ) jim, could we? ( laughter ) good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. i do declare i am positively flabbergasted by the amount of ho-mo-sexualitizing i see in our country these dark days. we must return our culture to what god intended. men marrying women, having marital relations just for reproduction, lights off, socks
on, finishing with firm handshake. ( laughter ) i just realized there's a man behind me in this shot! ( laughter ) then, then -- pay no attention to the man behind the cookie! ( laughter ) then, when this heightened moral state is achieved, i'm going to take away their pot! heh heh! i'm jeff sessions! let's go visit stephen's tummy tum! wheeeee! ahhh! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so good. so good. so good. >> jon: i had one earlier. >> stephen: if seeing me eat our nation's attorney general gave you the munchies, and you live in
nevada, i've got some good news because, starting this month, nevadans can buy legal marijuana. ( cheering ) personally, i'm against it-- i think it's wrong to be high while you're gambling drunk with a prostitute. ( laughter ) apparently, sales are already far exceeding expectations, with estimated sales of $3 million in the first four days alone. explains their new tourist slogan: "what happens in vegas stays in... wait, where are we again?" ( laughter ) but sales have been so good that less than two weeks in nevada's marijuana supplies are already running low. it's so bad, that the governor declared a state of emergency. ( laughter ) a state of emergency! >> jon: wow! wow! >> stephen: up until now, a weed emergency was when you lock yourself in your room because you're paranoid that your cat knows you're high. "he's going to figure out i'm the one who had him fixed." ( laughter ) hey, any fellow catholics here tonight? (cheers) then you got the alert on that catholic app we all have.
for those who aren't catholics, big news out of pope city, the "vatican has outlawed gluten-free bread for holy communion." of course, you can't have the body of christ without gluten, he is risen! ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) that's the truth. that's the truth. >> jon: i like that. >> stephen: it's the truth. live it. it's all based on the teachings of famed catholic scholar the pillsbury dough pope. ( laughter ) now this puts catholics with celiac disease in a tough position. do they compromise their health to take communion, or do they refuse the church's most important sacrament? i'm sure when they get to heaven, st. peter will say, "you feed the poor, cared for the sick, and loved your neighbor as yourself, but you're one of those annoying gluten-free people. go to hell!" ( laughter ) but the vatican isn't entirely heartless. they say, "parishioners who
cannot tolerate even a trace amount of gluten should receive 'wine only'." which is kind of nice. wine on an empty stomach really makes mass fly by. ( laughter ) now, as a catholic, i am legally obligated to agree with my church. the communion must include gluten. the only one who can disagree is god himself. >> and i do disagree, stephen. >> stephen: oh, hi. it's god, everybody! say hey to the lord! >> hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) hey hey! how you doing? long week, huh? thank me, it's friday. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so you're against the church insisting that the eucharist have gluten? >> oh yeah, i'm gluten-free. i'm also doing a cleanse right now. can i tell you about it? >> stephen: i don't really-- >> it's lemon water, cayenne pepper, and a little maple syrup. goes through you like samson through the philistines. ( laughter ) yeah. i had to drop a few lbs after
i ate the dinosaurs. >> stephen: you ate the dinosaurs? >> yeah, i was doing paleo. an old girlfriend got me into it. she's a tattoo artist now. her name's crysta krystal with . ( laughter ) >> stephen: but you're god. if you're gluten-sensitive, can't you change the communion rule? >> ehhh, i'm not actually gluten-sensitive, stephen. i heard about it on dr. oz once, and i just wanted to be cool. frankly, i've been dying for an excuse to hit this meatball sub. mmmm!! want some, stephen? please say no. >> stephen: actually, i'm vegan right now. >> you go to hell! >> stephen: god, everybody. we've got a great show for you tonight. we've got special never before seen presidential battle between me and john oliver. but it's friday and that means "midnight confessions." stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪when you've got...♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! jon batiste and "stay human" right there! ( cheers and applause ) jazz-ma-taz! jon, i love the weekend, fridays, i love getting away, being with my family and having fun, but i'm excited about getting back here because next week it's russia week on "the late show." we went to russia, deep inside, behind the iron curtain, which isn't even there anymore. we went to the hotel where
donald trump stayed. we talked to oligarchs, people on the street, to cyber security experts, it was spooky. couldn't wait to get out of there. i almost kissed the ground when i got off the plane, but it was inside j.f.k. and i know who's been walking there. not a good idea. not a good idea. ( laughter ) as i was saying before, i'm catholic. and as a catholic, i feel a lot of guilt about how much i talk about my guilt. and i don't get to confession as often as i like or ever. so, if you don't mind, i'd like to confess to you, my audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: great. this is stephen colbert's "midnight confessions!" ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about
them. ( laughter ) okay. be right back. ( soft organ music ) forgive me audience -- for dessert last night, i had a "cupcake," which is an abbreviation for "a couple of cakes." ( laughter ) when people ask me if celebrities get special treatment, i always tell them the same thing: "please step away from the hovercraft." ( laughter ) if i ask to pet your dog, it's because the men's room was out of paper towels. ( laughter ) i don't know what a toilet towel is. i meant to say toilet paper but it's friday and i've already
started drinking. ( cheers and applause ) i always lie to get out of jury duty. and the judge always says, "sir, you're the defendant." ( laughter ) i believe with all my heart we should do everything we can to fight global warming, other than turn down the air conditioning one degree in this theater. ( laughter ) i've been eating a strictly vegan diet all week, and it's very empowering. for instance, i no longer fear death. i long for it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i have a box of kraft macaroni cheese in my cupboard with an ad
on the back for "a bug's life." ( laughter ) the premise being that the box is so old. ( laughter ) ( applause ) if someone tells me "when god closes a door, he opens a window", i want to lock the door and shove them out the window. ( laughter ) forgive me, audience! >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. when we come back, john oliver, and i, will see each other face to face in a presidential battle that was so good we saved it for tonight's show. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. welcome back to the late "late show." welcome to a special bonus edition of john oliver. ( cheers and applause ) any other show would waste this moment right now on a webex tray. >> huh-uh. >> stephen: huh-uh. this is bonus john oliver, you didn't ask for or want. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i have a bone to pick with you. >> pick it. >> stephen: it's because you and i both got wind that town in gettysburg, pennsylvania. >> that's right. >> stephen: this was the gettysburg president museum hall of fame. >> the wax presidential museum. >> stephen: wax presidential museum. >> and we didn't know each other were interested. >> stephen: no. we sent people down, and you sent people down there. >> because we're both attracted to things that are objectively
ridiculous. >> stephen: and jon stewart sent somebody down there because what do you want? >> you want a wax president. >> stephen: or a wax first lady which, if you remember, they had the wax first lady's for only two-thirds the height, as if back in the 18th centurye. >> representing hope women would eventually be paid. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: that's commentary, not endorsement from him. he's a satirist. >> i can't be the bad guy there! it wasn't a suggestion, it was a criticism! ( laughter ) >> stephen: we have zachary taylor, that's who you bid on, and you got warren g. harding, right? >> we got five presidents of which my favorite was indeed the ultimate warren g. >> stephen: five? five. >> stephen: these things aren't cheap. they cost thousands. that's more of that dragon
money, right? ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> stephen: damn it! but here's the thing, i was happy for you. i was almost validated because i i respect you. he wanted some, i got some. i was happy for you. this is what you said on your show. >> congratulations, stephen! worth pointing out zachary taylor tied of a stomach bug. ( applause ) >> stephen: i know what this means and it doesn't apply. that was totally uncalled for and i would like for you to apologize >> you want me to apologize to you for insulting your wax president? >> stephen: no. i want you to apologize to wax zachary taylor. bring him out, fellas! ( cheers and applause )
( playing "hail to the chief" ) ( cheers and applause ) >> i would love to apologize to a wax president, but i don't see a wax president. i see a one-year wonder who died of a tender tummy. ( laughter ) you want to see what a real wax president looks like? let me take you to the g-spot... the "warren g. harding" spot! bring my boy out! ( cheers and applause ) ( playing "hail to the chief" ) >> stephen: all right, let's settle this like men with
insults. >> oh, it's on! you know how zachary taylor died? after a july 4th celebration where he treated himself to too much milk and cherries. he basically o.d.'d on a snack for pre-schoolers. boom! >> stephen: really? can i get a boom on that? >> stephen: really? yes. >> stephen: known philanderer warren g. harding also died in office of a heart condition. really? i didn't realize your heart could get syphilis! >> hey! hey! hey! respect the office! no one even knows who your guy is! 90% of americans think zachary taylor was one of the kids on "home improvement." >> stephen: a fine show! ( cheers and applause ) >> no, it isn't! >> stephen: president harding was an early proponent of commercial aviation because, while harding was president, even he wanted to flee the country. >> hey! ( piano riff ) >> stephen: why did i get a grown? >> i'm not surprised taylor was in the whig party. that hairdo looks like you shaved it off a shih tzu's ass. ( laughter )
>> stephen: harding was so corrupt he lost the white house china in a poker game! and apparently the white house eyebrow trimmers in a game of yahtzee. >> don't listen to him. >> stephen: he can't hear you. he's wax >> zachary taylor's nickname was "old rough and ready." that's not a nickname for a president, it's a nickname for a male prostitute. a good one. >> stephen: you should be so lucky. ( laughter ) >> stephen: harding is widely considered by modern day historians to be the worst president ever. and remember, modern day historians know who the president is right now! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) >> you've got to stop. i'm sorry. >> stephen: that's too far. this is too much. >> stephen: that's too far. i apologize. we're clearly never going to settle this. i may not like harding, you may not like taylor, but at least we can both agree... >> they're not franklin pierce. >> stephen: no. what a douche bag.
( laughter ) >> stephen: wax zachary taylor is sorry for what i said. >> wax warren g. harding is sorry as well. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: let's make them kiss. >> let's do. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back! we, the entertainment-loving people, want an unlimited data plan that gives us more. we want more than just texting. more than just surfing and shopping. because sure, we want to use this to call the people we love-
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>> my god... look at your eyes. almost you. how did you know i was here? >> i was told you were coming, that more soldiers from the north would be joining you here. >> joining me... to finish us off -- for good. who told you that i? okay. let's go. >> stephen: please welcome woody harrelson. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
>> stephen: how are ya? oh, pretty good, dude, pretty good. ( laughter ) i tell ya, i've gotten into a good dwroov where i don't get nervous on these things but now i'm a little nervous. >> stephen: why? we had a good time before. >> we have. >> stephen: we shaved your head while we sang the national anthem together. >> that's true. >> stephen: it takes about the same time to sing the national anthem to shave your head. >> maybe less, the way things go ( laughter ) >> stephen: you've joined a baseball team this year? >> no, i did a movie called "lost in london," it's based on an incident that happened in my life that i wanted to forget but then i thought could have been funny, you know. >> stephen: what did you want
to forget about being lost in london? >> well, it was a bad night for me and the wifey-pooh, and i got arrested and i went to jail. and there was a lot -- it wasn't great, but good comedy. >> stephen: sounds like a good movie. >> owen wilson is in it. >> stephen: does he play you? no, no, i play me. >> stephen: okay. yeah. and here, this is for you. >> stephen: i can have this? yeah. >> stephen: let's see whose head is larger. yeah, it is mine. ( laughter ) that's as close as i can get to putting this on my head. gee, mom, new york! ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much! >> you're welcome. >> stephen: thank you very much. leave that right there. that's very nice right there. well, hey, listen, i got a quick question for you. i want to get to the plant of the apes in a minute. a great movie. i enjoyed the first two immensely and can't wait for the third one. you're in the any hans solo stand-alone "star wars" movie
coming up. we've seen you and chewy and han. your character is beckett. tell me about him because you're not going anywhere until you tell me something about the movie. >> right. i'm a criminal. >> stephen: you're a criminal? yeah. >> stephen: that's pretty good. >> yeah. >> stephen: you're a fellow criminal along with hahn. i'll take that. one more thing, here's a picture you threw up there which is instagram, caption #the coast, but right there it says solo, like crew shirt. is that the name of the movie? >> right now, that's the temporary name of the movie. >> stephen: solo. that's an exclusive, right? no one knows that. we're revealing that right now. there you go. ( cheers and applause ) thank you for being cooperative. unless we cover that, no monkey talk. >> no, no, we've got to get monkey talk in, of course.
>> stephen: i have a favor to ask. you're a famous vegan. >> yeah. >> stephen: you're a well-known vegan. >> okay. >> stephen: i became a vegan at 9:00 a.m. this morning. >> you did? >> stephen: yeah, i lost a bet with a friend of mine and the bet is i have to be a vegan for 17 days. >> really? >> stephen: the groans out there. have a rib fest in the audience tonight. >> how will you survive? >> stephen: how am i going to survive as a vegan? >> first of all, if you think about it, the strongest animal pound for pound in nature is the april. >> stephen: the whale. no, no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: the april? pound for pound, i'm talking about just in terms of, like, their size and how strong they are, it's an april. their vegetarian. >> stephen: okay. horses. they eat grass. >> stephen: i would like to see a horse fight an april. that would be fun. >> yeah, that would be cool.
( laughter ) i'm just saying, not that you don't need protein, but -- >> stephen: eat nuts. you don't hear people dying for lack of protein. people get too much protein. >> stephen: okay. o fruits, vegetables, you know, you're going to live large in the next 17 days. >> stephen: pop tarts? that kind of thing? >> pop tarts? >> stephen: i don't think there is any meat in a pop tart. can i have a pop tart? ( laughter ) if there's meat in a pop tart, tell me now. >> there is going to be dairy in a pop tart. >> stephen: can't do dairy? you're going vegan, right? >> stephen: i guess so. ( laughter ) >> pop tart. so that was your go-to food, right? >> stephen: ( laughter ) >> stephen: speaking of pop tarts, i understand you don't smoke weed anymore. is this true? >> i don't smoke any less. ( applause ) ( laughter )
i did. i quit smoking. >> stephen: so you moved on -- i quit this morning. i'll pick it up after this. no, i actually did quit. >> stephen: i understand, speaking of weed, that you moved to maui on the recommendation of willie nelson. >> yeah. >> stephen: how did that come about? >> what made you think of weed and willie? i don't get it. ( laughter ) yeah, what happened, actually, i ran into him in l.a. my friend jim called me up and said, do you want to go see willie? went and saw him. he's great. afterward, his wife came up, said willie wants to meet you. go back to the bus. open the door, smoke is billowing out. >> stephen: you've got to get off that bus fast. >> unless you like where you're at, you know. >> stephen: yeah. you've got to not worry about whether or not you can walk or talk normally. >> stephen: yeah. o i had a great talk with him and afterward he said, if
you ever want, come stay with me in hawaii. i said, yeah? i think i could go for that. >> stephen: let's talk about the monkey movie. >> okay. the monkey movie. >> stephen: fantastic. the war for the plant et of the apes. >> i have been thinking about changing it to the monkey movie. ( laughter ) that's unbelievable. >> stephen: it's got monkeys in it, right? >> yeah. there is monkeys in it for sure, man. >> stephen: reasonable shortland. >> it's incredible. the evolution of apes now that they can act, it's great. >> stephen: incredible ( laughter ) >> yeah. >> stephen: and the circus trains them. ( applause ) you seem awfully angry in this movie. who is your character in who is this guy who's -- >> i thought i seemed relatively sweet-natured in that clip. >> stephen: okay. yeah. >> stephen: your character doesn't like the intelligent apes, i understand?
>> yeah, well, my character believes that there is no room for humans and apes, so we've got to eliminate the apes in order to save the humans. it's an understandable thing. >> stephen: it's not an unle reasonable position to have, really, speaking as a human. >> yeah. >> stephen: because let's remember, all the humans have been wiped out by a disease that then makes the april smart. >> right. >> stephen: so it's self-preservation. >> self-preservation. >> stephen: yeah. that's where he's at. >> stephen: what's your character's name? >> the colonel. >> stephen: i might be pro-colonel in this movie. >> yeah. >> stephen: i haven't even seen it and i said that. ( laughter ) >> yeah, the people here, whoever watches it, they're not going to be in my corner on this. >> stephen: you sure? no. i think he's a sweet guy, but -- ( laughter ) >> stephen: you kind of have to think he's a sweet guy when you're performing him, right? >> when you're playing him. >> stephen: you can't not like your character, right? >> yeah, i loved the guy for a while, and now you watch the
movie, he's not as loveable as -- ( laughter ) -- at the time, a year ago, he was full loveable. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. everything okay? >> that thing moves, keeps moving. >> stephen: so you don't smoke weed anymore! ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) >> yeah, well, you don't have to smoke a brownie, dude. you know what i'm saying? >> stephen: i have no idea. i have no idea. ( cheers and applause ) listen, man, lovely to see you again. >> pleasure. >> stephen: hope to see you often. >> can i keep this? >> stephen: what? can i keep it? >> stephen: yeah, sure, why not. >> stephen: yeah, sure, why not. war of the flap et of the apes is in theaters friday. woody harrelson, everybody! you know, that actually reminds me, steve. i got you something. aloha! mangoes can get sunburned. put some flavor in your break- with new snapple mango tea-
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hmmm some sweet barbeque. (over speaker) - or spicy! we got a craving! go go go!!! crashing cravings in the crave van. jack's gonna crash your crave! here, try my barbeque bacon cheeseburger with your choice of sweet or spicy barbeque sauce topped with bacon and onion rings. thanks jack. ha ha! piece of cake. oh, jack! you crave it, we serve it. my new sweet or spicy barbeque bacon cheeseburger and chicken sandwich. crave van!
>> stephen: that's it for the "late show." join me next week when i'll be joined by former vice president al gore, jason bateman, and keegan michael key. and it's russia week! now stick around for james corden. goodnight! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org