tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS September 27, 2017 11:35pm-12:36am PDT
stephen colbert is next. >> our next newscast is 4:30 tomorrow morning. >> we'll see you then. have a good night. captioning sponsored by cb >> in alabama last week, president trump said the new wall will be done in six to seven months. few people agree with that. >> so you need to have a great wall but it has to be-- has to be see-through. and we're looking at different samp of see-through walls.reyad and i think also, tos blee hont with you, a see-through wall would look better. >>e emperor's new wall." once upon a time there was an emperor who loved walls. one day, two fellows claiming to be contractors came to the emperor and told him they could build him the biggest, most beautiful border wall using special bricks that only the smartest people could see. >> was the emperor smart? >> eh... ( laughter ) and when the see-through border wall was complete, the emperor
said he loved it, even though he couldn't see it. until a young boy stepped forward and said, "but, emperor, there's no wall there at all." >> andhe y's honesty? >> no. he called him a loser and immediately had him deported. ( laughter ) the end. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen welcomes trump's alabama bus. plus stephen welcomes: nick kroll. former new york city mayor michael bloomberg. and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪
( applause ) >> stephen: thank you. well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. today was a huge day for president trump. in an attempt to get everybody to forget about his recent big failures, he unveiled his next big failure: tax reform. one. and in his kickoff speech, he gave a shoutout to his favorite people: the forgotten ones. >> first, we will cut taxes for the everyday, hard-working americans, the people that work so long, so hard. and they have been forgotten. but they are not forgotten anymore. i think we proved that on november 8. >> stephen: true, we proved a lot on november 8. ( laughter ) i proved that one man can drink an entire bottle of bourbon and still remember everything. ( laughter )
( applause ) now-- everything! ( cheers and applause ) now, for those of you who think trump's new tax plan is full of cuts for the wealthy and big corporations, well, yes. ( laughter ) but, like any good reality tv star, trp in'sums r heme,stere h believe me. >> stephen: "it's not good for me. i mean, it's about taxes. i never pay those. nothing to do with me. it's not my bag. i don't do it." a. he don't do it♪ he don't do >> stephen: but trump could really use a win right now because things have not been going his way by any measure. the latest is the alabama g.o.p. senate primary. president, fight the
establishment-backed senator and shaved hodor, luther strange. ( laughter ) trump tweeted his support for strange. he did robocalls, held a rally for him. he went all in! well, remember how trump predicted we'd get tired of winning? well, i think he's already there because he lost, badly. a spanking, really. and to make it sting all the more, they lost to steve bannon's candidate, former judge and "westworld" robot no one wants to have sex with, roy moore. white house aides say the presidenpresident is embarrassed pissed. which coincidentally is replacing "in god we trust" on all u.s. currency. ( applause ) sure, why not. and the proof that he's embarrassed is that trump has deleted his tweets supporting luther strange.
apparently, apparently, donald trump thinks if you delete something from the internet, it is gone. it's also what he thinks happens to john kelly when they play peek-a-boo. look, mr. president, don't be ashamed that your candidate turned out to be a loser. your supporters seem to deal with it pretty well. nominate a statue of a confederate flag, it looks like roy moore is the next senator from alabama. so, let's get to know mr. moore in tonight's "the roy you know." roy-- there he is. roy moore has waged a decades-long fight against l.g.b.t. rights in alabama, calling homosexuality "an act so heinous that it defies one's ability to describe it." but i'd love to hear you try. "well, i heard the two fellas rub their junk together until a gay baby comes out." ( laughter )
and-- that's what he heard. that's what he heard. that's what he thinks happens. even-- it's like starting a fire! ( applause ) ♪ ♪ i see smoke! i see smoke! get some tinder! blow on it! this is, obviously, a stick. this is a stick! ( laughter ) and even years of "will & grace" reruns have not softened moore's position, because, earlier just this year, he suggested 9/11 might have been a punishment for the u.s. turning away from god, saying that the almighty was upset at the u.s. because "we legitimize sodomy". you got to give him this one, gay people. we do legitimize it. that's why every time anyone engages in sodomy, they get this cool certificate of sodomy from the franklin mint. ( cheers and applause )ui for f.
exactly. ( laughter ) here's how roy moore describes our nation's racial divide: >> now we have blacks and whites fighting, reds and yellows fighting." >> stephen: blacks, whites, reds, and yellows? i hope he's talking about the power rangers. ( laughter ) uh-huh. or jellybeans. even if you look past the racist language of calling ethnic groups "reds" and "yellows"-- and you shouldn't-- where does he live where he's constantly seeing native americans and asians fighting each other? ( laughter ) because if that's true-- i got to say, the 2017 reboot of "west side story" sounds pretty awesome. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yes! >>applause )
se sems liteke a tnoroglodyte, e has the soul of a poet. in fact, he wrote this poem: quick fact check: no one wanders aimlessly on cocaine. ( laughter ) they have very specific, unattainable goals, okay? ( cheers and applause ) "you're my best friend. i love you! let's start a business. i want to dance! a dancing business! woo! but first, let's clean the fireplace with a toothbrush!" ( laughter )
( laughter ) and getting the alabama shakes is not the only thing putting trump in a bad mood. apparently, after his rally to support strange on friday, the president was "griping about the size of the crowd and wondering how his pink tie played with his audience." "look, look, guys. e goto b hnest,eom ca little self-reflection here, okay. something's wrong. i'm achieved nothing. i'm the most unpopular president in modern history. i've deepened america's racialkf thermonuclear conflict. it's got to be the pinkie, right? should giwith-- is it the stripes? are the stripes too much? i don't know. somebody call the pentagon and brooks brothers. i want both of these guys in here." and trump's not giving up on
repeal and replace just yet. the senate has a friday deadline to pass it with 50 votes, and even though they do not have the votes, trump insists they have the votes. >> i just wanted to say, though, on health care, we have the votes for health care. we have the votes. we have the votes. w, kno y wha you know, we're only one off, maybe two. ( laughter ) >> stephen: then you don't have the votes! that's like a baseball manager saying, "you know, we have the home run. we're just one, maybe two bases short." but just hit the ball." ( cheers and applause ) so they have the votes, but they're not going to have a vote, and there's a simple explanation: >> we have the votes.
we can't do it now because we have somebody in a hospital. and we have great respect for that gentleman, by the way. he's a fantastic man. we are going to-- yes, that's why. >> why does it matter? >> because he has to come here and vote. >> reporter: sir, who is in the hospital? what senator are you referring to? >> in other words, he can't come here and vote because he's in the hospital. >> stephen: you don't even know his name. there's no one in the hospital. by the way, there is no one in the hospital! we checked. there's no one in the hospital. "i totally have a canadian girlfriend. i don't remember her name. she's in the hospital because we totally had sex. believe me." in fact, "it's unclear which senator in the hospital trump is referring to." well, whoever it is, i just pray they're not on trumpcare. we have a great show for you tonight. nick kroll is here. and when we return, the two of us have some advice for america's teens.ar
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. jon batiste and stay human right there. ladies and gentlemen, i'm pretted knighted because in a little while i'm going to be talking to nick kroll. he's gone to be right over here. he's got a new cartoon on netflix about the horrors of going through puberty. it's called "big mouth." i for one did not realize "mouth biggenning" was something today's kids had to deal with. and it occurred to me that puberty is an issue i haven't really dealt with on my show. and that's unfortunate, because i know that many of you consider me sort of your "tv dad."
so, i think it's time we had "the talk." that's right, dad's calling a family meeting! ( cheers and applause ) hey, champ. why don't you pop a squat there. let's chat. how old are you now? 13? 14? 35? god, they grow up so fast. now, i know it might be a bit weird for you to hear about puberty with your dad, so i brought someone you can relate >> heeey! ha-ha! what's up li'l cousin bro! i'm also intoon social media! >> stephen: okay, sport, i know okay, sport, i know it's tough
going through puberty so i'm going to start with the toughest part. >> borne patrol. >> stephen: yes, your body changes. for one thing, you might start to get some hair where there wasn't any before. >> yeah, long, coarse, wiry hair, growing right out of your nipples. ( laughter ) >> stephen: nick, is that happening to you? >> yeah, yeah, i can scrub a pot with my nip hair! ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, slugger-- ( laughter ) i'm glad you're here. >> good to be here. >> stephen: so glad you're here. >> i love you, uncle steve! i love you, uncle steve! ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, slugger, you might soon start to experience body odor. where you used to smell fresh as a daisy, now you're going to smell like an old baseball glove covered in yogurt.
>> cover that up with some sick body spray. i use one that smells like energy drinks and d.j. equipment! scritchy-scratch! ( laughter ) >> stephen: do not-- do not huff that. just remember, it's perfectly natural-- squirt it right in your eyes ui understand. >> yeeeah! now, champ, it's perfectly natural to be ashamed of your body, okay, because whether you want it or not, your private parts may do things, even while you're asleep. >> that's right-- nocturnal "e-mission possible"! you might dream about a smoking hot babe, your mom with a lioness' head. bottom line is, whatever turns you on, you're going to wake up sticky and relaxed. ( laughter ) you know what i'm talking about, uncle steve? >> stephen: i don't know what you're talking about.
your body's going through all these changes so that soon, you will be ready to do the act when two consenting adults get together and-- >> slam the ham against the clam. bop-bop-bop-bop-bop. ( laughter ) yeah! ( laughter ) apse wooo! wooo! bop-bop-bop-bop-bop! ( applause ) >> stephen: yeah, yeah, the ham-to-clam slam. see, when two people love each other very much, they do a very special sweaty dance. >> you don't even have to be in love to make sex. like me and my girlfriend tara, we barely like each other, and we still got to fifth base. pow! >> stephen: nick, i'm trying to be good father here. even if my brother wasn't a good father to you. >> too real, uncle steve.
but respect for being a figure of stability in my life. ( applause ) >> stephen: and i don't want you to think real sex between real people is anything like what y see on the internet. >> good point. it takes a lot less time, and the lighting is much worse! ( laughter ) >> stephen: and, of course, if you're going to do it, you need to have protection. so here's a little rhyme i came h y upse weltoitu p hyo wrap your penis in latex. ( cheers and applause ). >> yeah, it's true, it's true. no doubt. no doubt, uncle steve. or you can save $10 and just put a tooth whitening strip on your peener. works great! ( laughter ) >> stephen: don't do that. >> do it. p hlaenugmyeras )ise nr >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: it works? >> it works. >> stephen: it works. >> you gotta see it smile. ( laughter )
>> stephen: nick, nick, you have ever had sex before. >> no, but my older cousin, jaymie, told me all about it. you know what the craziest part is, that the girls' stuff is underneath. >> stephen: what do you mean? >> like, it's not on the front. it's underneath. >> stephen: what do you mean? our stuff is underneath, too, right? >> yours heads straight down. oh, you gottae a doctor, unclee steve. , ywteanch: ayyo tu haven't hit your growth spurt. >> that's right. >> stephen: wow, that was fast. i'm glad we had this talk. >> me too. hey, uncle steve, can i borrow 20 bucks and some whitening strips. >> stephen: nick kroll, everybody. we'll be right back to talk with nick kroll. perfect.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. welcome back to the program. ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest from "kroll show," "the league," and "oh, hello" on broadway. his new netflix cartoon series is called "big mouth." please welcome nick kroll! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) wow. >> i gotta say, i likes your outfit before with the paint-splattered sweats and the backwards hat but you look like the viceroy of india. >> thank you! thank you! >> stephen: not everybody can rock the double breast, man. >> you know, and'm i k se howe g feels.
( laughter ). >> stephen: nice to see you. i haven't seen you since the emmys. you were at the after-party. >> i was, indeed. wonderful job at the emmys. great job. >> stephen: got to be naked and everything. >> yeah, it must have felt great. >> stephen: you live in l.a., riert? >> i do. >> stephen: you see famous people all time. >> all the time. >> stephen: you guys are like the wall greens-- "there's tom haifngs, jimmy stewart, and beyonce. >> tom hanks getting valtrex. >> stephen: you say, "there's a famous person. i want to met though i'm famous. >> the most exciting people i met at your party, your after-party, was your children. i got to hang out with your kids but i was kind of drunk. and i was like, is this wrong to be drunk in front of stephen's children? >> stephen: no, no, no. anything goes. anything goes at the emmy
after-party. >> and i might have tried to sell them coke. and i apologize about that. >> stephen: has to happen sometime. >> exactly. >> stephen: i rather it comes from a friend. >> thank you! >> stephen: thank you! >> it's the good stuff. >> stephen: thank you. >> oh, my god. it was my pleasure. >> stephen: you're a good man! you're a good man. >> and can i tell you-- they did it like pro s. >> stephen: good, good. their mom would be so happy. so happy to hear this on national tv. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: well, okay, your new show is called "big mouth." >> yes. >> stephen: i've got a photo here that i think is part of the inspiration. you can tell me where the idea of the show came, and then i will show the people the photo. >> the show is based on me and my best friend since childhood, andrew goldberg. he ended up being a writer and producer for "family guy." and i was on the hit show "cave men." >> stephen: were you one of the cave men? >> i was one of the cave men. >> stephen: i did not know you were one of the cave men? >> not on the tv commercial people likes. on the tv show people hated. but -- >> stephen: wow! >> yes, but he and i created crd
this show together with our friends mark levin and jen flakett. >> stephen: how old are you in this photo? >> 13 years old. if people can get a close-up on that. there we are. >> stephen: this is you. >> that is me. i'm wearing the literally, exact same suit. i am wearing another double-breasted gold suit. and so andrew, we were best friends. we really formed each others' sensibilities. but andrew got ravaged by puberty. >> stephen: it hit him first? >> it hit him hard and young. i'm gog say this on national television because it's on the show so i apologize. andrew, i love you. but andrew, during a slow dance with a girl at a bar mitzvah may have... uh-- ejaculated in his pantsz. >> stephen: now, is this a story that he tells publicly? ( laugh ). >> not anymore! ( laughter )
no, it's-- it's-- but it's on the show. >> stephen: really, wow? >> it's in the show. so i feel like it's fair to say. and he's now married to a wonderful woman, has two great kids, so i think it all worked out. >> stephen: that's in the show? >> yes, it's in the show. >> stephen: it's a cartoon, obviously gee, yes. >> stephen: is this a cartoon parents should sit down and watch with their children? >> stephen, i'm going to leave that up to each individual parents. i think it's very-- very dirty, but i also -- >> stephen: and honest. >> and honest. -- & it's talking about the stuff that is really hard to talk about. and i think a lot of that for me is puberty is a really scary thing, and i think most people feel like they're going through it alone. but the truth, is every single one of us goes through puberty, and goes through this range of crazy emotions and feelings. your body is changing. we tried to make i show that reflects that. it's kind of like the sex ed video i wish i had gotten to see. but, also, like, filthy. ( laughter ). >> stephen: speak of that, we have-- a we'm ghaoivengli to ac tell you is absolutely true.
cbs told us that the clip was too vulgar to show. so we heavily edited the clip. we, like, bleepped and blurred and everything. and they said, "no, no, that's still too dirt tow show." but we're going to show it anyway. set this up for us. ( applause ). >> this is our friend-- we were talking about our friend jessi, who is joyced by the i had clairs jessi klein, who just that day has become a woman. >> stephen: again, all you are about to see is all we could show you. >> so, did you know that (blee (bleep)? >> it's really, honestly crazy. i mean what, would you do if (bleep) once a month judge oh, my. i don't know. why would you put that image in my head? what would you do? >> one time i ate a bunch of roasted beats and then when i (bleep) and i thought (bleep) and i was like oh, no. >> right. >> and then i was like, "oh, yeah. i ate beats.
so..." >> i don't think thaentht' e, . ( applause ) it's still pretty good. >> thank you. >> stephen: that's still pretty damn good, even without knowing anything. tttend wse>>'s th banmu wt you blu srredo ch o. >> stephen: now, you're also trying to get other celebrities to post awkward puberty pictures of themselves. >> yeah. i think it's such a-- again, that time is so awkward, wieng we need to-- there's catharsis in showing who we were and what we became and i would love to encourage celebrities -- if you, stephen, had photos of yourself at that age. >> stephen: i can jump in on that? >> yes, i can't wait. >> stephen: this is me at that age. >> oh! oh! ( cheers and applause ) look how thick that knot is! >> stephen: well, i can tell you what's going on with this knot is i just came from the gym, which is why my hair was wet and i forgot it was photo day. and the photographer a
60-year-old large man, gave me his jacket and his tie. that's why the knot is the size of my face. ( laughter ). >> it's great! >> stephen: i'm going to tweet this out. i'll start this with the hashtag-- #puberme. and i encourage all other celebrities. >> i'm shouting you out, the rock! i'm shouting you up on the the hillary clinton. >> stephen: let's make this interesting, okay. let's make this interesting. i have an ice cream fund, a charitable fund. the ar evmy ceicleebritecy onthp a puberty picture of when they're 13 and put up #puberme-- and i'll decide what a celebrity is, thank you. ( laughter ) i'll give a donationom fr americone ice cream fun and it depends how many people doll it because i only have so much money in the fund. >> and i will match that. >> stephen: and to puerto rico
hurricane relie >> that's exactly it. perfect, done. >> stephen: i don't know how much money there is. we will do our best. "big mouth" is this friday on netflix, everybody. ♪ ♪watch this ♪ ♪watch this ♪ ♪watch this whatwisted ankle?l ask what muscle strain? advil makes pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain? advil.
>> stephen: nice to see you again. >> and nice to see you. >> stephen: do you still like the "mr. mayor?" do you get that the rest of your life? >> my kids don't call me that. >> stephen: "your slensy. your honor." >> i told my grandson he could called me, sir." >> stephen: sir michael, you're founder of the bloomberg l.p., and philanthropies. estimated worth, $47 billion. but who, sir, is this guy? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> if i had to guess, that was about five years after puberty. ( laughter ) >> stephen: is pube dee different for further billionaires or is it just as rough? >> it's been a long time. >> stephen: now, we'll skip over that, then. the 2016 election, there was a lot of talk, a lot of rumors
that you were thinking about running. were you seriously considering? >> yeah, sure. >> stephen: okay, you evidently did not see a path to victory. >> well, my advisers told me that a new york billionaire who's changed parties a number of times couldn't be elected. ( laughter ) so i fired them. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: do you have any regrets? because, you know, people said that about trump, as you just alluded to. do you have any regrets that you didn't run? >> no, i never look back. >> stephen: is it okay that we have regrets that you didn't run? ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> my peeps. >> stephen: your peeps are in the house is what you're saying? >>enyoebo rige th he.er you wroh carl pope, former president of the sierra club. and it is called "climate of hope." where is the climate of hope?
and what is it? where is the hope? >> well, the hope is here. we can make a difference. it's something we really should worry about. >> stephen: you mean climate change. >> climate change, and whether or not it happens, nobody knows, but you should attack an insurance policy out. and if it looks like it might do damage, now is the teem to take steps and attack a look. the oceans are warming and rising, and you see these term storms that have keld's number of people and done's lot of damage in florida and texas and puerto rico and the crebbian. and with warmer oceans, you're going to get more of those. >> stephen: nowing, many of the people who deny global warming say that it's some sort of hoax or a money-making scheme scheme. from a businessman's point of view, why should a businessman believe in global warming? >> well, it doesn't matter. there's a resk, and a business person would take appropriate protections. you don't think you're going it die, but you still buy a life insurance policy. and businesses have to worry about if they got flooded out,
how they would continue ther business. how ther employees would get to work or get home or worry about their families and that sort of thing. so it's a very serious thing. and the science says things are getting warmer, and they will continue to get warmer unless we reduce the amount of greenhouse gases. and so the federal government has decided to do nothing, the citizens, whether they areub come oft companies or individuas or local governments have saed, okay, we're going to attack it into our own hands and we're going to cut our greenhouse gases. and america has actually been leading the way. we have closed half of our coal-feared power plants. the sierra club went out and pected andquenced people-- power plants to convert to natural gats, which is much-- or renewables. and we are going to meet our goals that we agreed to in percent, even without the federal government. and we only have to. ( cheers and applause )
y. >> stephen: while no one can say for certain what create a hurricane, it's too complex of a system, there is a fair amount of consensus that storms are intensifying because there is more energy in the system. >> correct. >> stephen: oceans are warmer, which feeds these storms. >> yes. >> stephen: there's been criticism for a slow and adequate response to whose happened in puerto rico. i know you went down to the virgin islands after irma went through there. is it up to the private sector to help with natural disasters now that the government is slow to respond? >> i wouldn't say it is up to us. governments are big and it takes them a while to get on the scene and start helping people. in the meantime, the private sector can do things very quickly, because they don't have all the bureaucracy. and i think it's-- we have an obligation, as fellow human beings, and particularly, if it's inhe american virgin islands or puerto rico, american territories, or in texas or miami or wherever, to come to
an rmb 9, tshe we ad.i had the 3,000 people kid and two big buildings come down, and the potential to destroy our economy, the country-- in fact the world as well-- came to new yornewyork's aid. and i think you've seen in new york, the governor sent down national guard troops down to help in puerto rico. i took down some medicines, which johns hopkins donated to st. john and st. thomas. we have a bunch of people who worked for us in hurricane sandy, which we put on a plane and flew them down right away. one of my partners has a house down there, so on the ground we knee what was going on. we can help. and after a while the federal government comes in and takes over the big cleanup job. >> stephen: the new book is called "climate of hope." it's out now. the man is michael bloomberg, everybody. thanks. we'll be right back with tim and eric. it's here!
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey. hey, thanks so much. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> all right! hello! ( laughter ). >> hi! hi, everybody! >> stephen: so, tim, eric, thanks for being here. >> thank you. thanks for having us. it's an honor. ( laughter ) an honor to be here. >> stephen: so... ( laughter ) >> it's beautiful. >> stephen: what's, uh, what's with the-- what's with the clown stuff? >> oh, well i didn't know we were going to get into this? ( laughter ) i don't know. a lot of people probably know this-- i don't know if you know this. i've been going through a really
tough divorce. i've been going through-- ( sighs ) i didn't want to get into this. but it's been a really rough couple of months with my wife and the kids. i tried treating it. i triedtoed d mioen,attie it. and when it comes down to it, the one thing in this whole world that gives me any kind of joy is clowning around with my best friend eric warheim, who is here with me tonight. isn't that something! >> we do it together! >> and when i feel blue, he knows what to do. try it. he gives me a tickle. watch this ( laughing ). >> stephen: eric, you do you get as much out of this as he does? do you enjoy this? >> well, i love my friend. i want him to feel good, but we've been doing this going on werehte ) it's getting to the point, uh, dressing up every day it's a big much, and i hope he can get over the divorce. >> it's not too much in my opinion.
i'm enjoying every minute of it, because it's fun. everyone loves a clown, right? >> stephen: people love clowns. >> we're having fun. >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) so have you guys been working on like extra clown work, like do a clown show or anything like that? >> yeah. he's sort of not into it, okay. but we're basically developing a broadway show called "tim and eric a clown town" which will be on broadway, hopefully by next year. >> stephen: this is a broadway theater right here. >> in a way. but this is sortex lve o wf,eik one o l those showsrt that we eventually tour and take around the world and everything. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> and it's a beautiful show because it mixes the myrth, and excitement and wonder of clowning around with true warwick for kids on how to deal with divorce and how to-- ( laughter ) and it's-- i think it's what people need right now. because i know my wife's watching now the b-i-t-c-h.
and i want her to-- i can just -- >> stephen: sure, right there. >> this one here? i've got the kids. i've got the kids! ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's it? that's all you wanted to say? >> that's message. she doesn't know. she walked out about two months ago, so she doesn't know what's going on. anyway, would you like to see a little-- we could probably do -- >> stephen: oh, very much. would you like to see a little clown. >> tim and eric clown town. all right, everybody! let's go! ♪ ♪ >> let's hear it, everybody! let's hear it! ♪ ♪ >> oh, my gosh! look at you! hi! >> it's so go here to be in the big apple, the city that never sleeps. >> just like my wife. she nevers. she actual she busy onlineeple g sit with every guy she meets on
the internet. that's actually-- i' smrry, y j. >> hey, hey, everyone, did you than it's tim's birthday today! >> it is? i forgot! i forgot! youbett than last birthday. last birthday, i went out back to my home office, shedandound wif whii osurth i a neighbor. and they were back there and... ( laughter ) >> well, listen, tim, we got you a birthday surprise. >> me! >> do you want a present? >> you got me a birthday surprise! >> close your eyes. close your eyes. >> okay, i'll close my eyes. what could it be. >> here it comes. here's your birthday surprise. everybody, one, two, three! h (bleep)! (bleep). >> you all right? >> broke my nose. >> what? are you okay? >> yeah, i broke--
>> are you serious? steve, do you have a medic kit over here? is there i have a first aid. >> can we reset to one? sorry, guys. >> pause. >> stephen: do you guys need to do that again? >> we would love to start from scratch at the top of the show. >> stephen: do we have time for?atlyh sorry-- i'm sorry, gu. we're going to have to bring this back to one. hold mr. bloomberg. >> i got you. >> okay. >> i got you. >> i know nick's back there. >> you ready? >> i'm really sorry. >> stephen: why don't you have a seat. we'll clean this up. and you have a seat. >> it's really throbbing. juaknd d ts hitill you catch your breath there for a second ( laughter ). >> it's-- i can't see-- i can't see anything. >> stephen: your eyes-- your eyes are closed right now. ( laughter ) >> hold your head up, hold it up. >> stephen: you have a show
called "bedtime stories." >> yeah, "tim and eric's bedtime stories." the season finale is on sunday. everyone tune in to a two-part special, it's called "butter." tim and i play a lesbian couple that adopt about 10 children. we churn butter and teach them about knicknacks and butter making. >> stephen: okay, that's great. i hope you feel good better. >> waeshed go to the hospital. >> stephen: the season finale of "bedtime stories" airs this sunday on adult swim. tim and eric, everybody! we'll be right back. are you okay?
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tune in tomorrow when my guests will be steve martin, mark feurstein, and a performance by steve martin and the steep canyon rangers. now, stick around for james corden and his guests. billie lourd, maggie gyllenhaal, and tim roth. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way