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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  June 27, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! beautiful. >> stephen: hey, everybody! thai, ladies and gentlemen. welcome, welcome, one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is-- ( cheers and applause ) you know, i feel the same way about being with you right now. and i don't want to be alone right now, because i got something to say. is listen, if you're on a low-carb diet, you're in luck, because i ain't no way to sugarcoat this. today, justice anthony kennedy
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announced he's retiring from the supreme court. >> audience: boo! >> stephen: i never thought i'd say this, but you're only 81! they say 81 is the new 79. and don't tell me your mind's going, because i read "bush v. gore" and "citizen's united." you never had one. ( laughter ) this is a seismic political event, because kennedy has been the decisive vote in many cases, and his retirement gives trump the opportunity to fundamentally change the course of the supreme court. and i would not trust trump to fundamentally change the dessert course. oh, we are supremely screwed. i look forward to wolf blitzer in 2021: "in the end, this supreme court case will be decided by the swing vote, justice meatloaf." ( laughter ) and this could have-- this could have huge repercussions. think about it: the court that just this week crippled unions, upheld trump's muslim ban, and
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race-based gerrymandering might turn conservative. ( laughter ) now, in a letter to president trump, justice kennedy wrote, "this letter is a respectful and formal notification of my decision, effective july 31 of this year, to end my regular active status as an associate justice of the supreme court." okay "effective july 31." so, enjoy your gay marriages now, because as of august 1, you're back to being roommates. ( laughter ) yeah. and this could happen fast. reportedly, the white house will push for a nomination and confirmation before the midterms. well, of course before the midterms! just like you want to eat all the weed before the cop walks up to the driver's side window. ( laughter ) "quick, get them in the cart! they're coming! get them in the cart!" ( applause ) now, why would he-- why would he want to do it before the midterms? that red wave is coming. trump spoke to reporters about
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it today, and he teased who might get the big job. >> we have, obviously, numerous people. we have a list. we have a very excellent list. i think the list is very outstanding. >> stephen: so, get ready for supreme court justice list. ( laughter ) then again-- then again, i could see trump appointing guiliani, just to keep him off television. ( laughter ) now, you may recall that the republicans got their 5-4 majority on the court because mitch mcconnell refused to let the senate vote on obama's nominee, merrick garland. yes. >> audience: boo! >> stephen: a little late, but yes, like that. that upset a lot of people, but mitch mcconnell is willing to take the high road and forget he ever did it, because here's what he said today: >> it's imperative that the president's nominee be considered fairly. >> stephen: oh, really? ( laughter ) that's like typhoid mary saying,
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"read the sign, guys. all employees must wash hands." ( laughter ) but there was some good legal news yesterday when a "federal judge ordered the trump administration to reunite separated migrant families." ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: yeah, i'll jump in there. yes! that's good. >> jon: as they should. >> stephen: that's good. i applaud this judge for this ruling, but it's a little sad that this is what counts as good news. good news used to be, "we got bin laden." now it's, "we got trump to release the kidnapped children. and there's a chance he might do it!" ( laughter ) the judge did not mince any words in his decision. he called the family separation crisis "a chaotic circumstance of the government's own making." which is also the very worst "lemony snicket" book. ( laughter ) the judge instructed that "nearly all children younger than five be returned to their parents within 14 days and that older children be returned
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within 30 days." yes, so important. five-year-olds have got to be with their parents as quickly as possible, but six-year-olds can take it. come osix-year-olds know how this game is plied. he kidnaps children. the democrats give him his border wall. he respects the playah. i believe that's the way he says it. there's one problem with the judge telling the trump administration to return the children. what? you took them away and you can't even track children? domino's can track my pizza ( cheers and applause ) let's have domino's do it! why not? that would work. here's what we'll do, here's what we'll do: we'll just order all of these kids a large meat lover's, and the parents can find them with their phones.
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i've got a perfect slogan: "you'll get your child back in 30 minutes, or you're free." ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile-- it seems fair! it seems fair. meanwhile, there was a huge upset in the democratic primary last night here in new york. longtime incumbent joe crowley, the fourth-ranking congressional democrat, suffered a stunning defeat at the hands of first-time candidate, democratic socialist alexandria ocasio-cortez ( applause ) who is only 28-years-old. ( cheers ) wow, 28-- jon, jon, how old are you? >> jon: 30. >> stephen: 30. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: what's holding you back, man? >> jon: see -- >> stephen: you have achieved nothing with your life? >> jon: i know. >> stephen: she's only 28 years old. >> jon: did you see that? >> i just said that. she's 28. when i was 28, i got my first can opener. no one saw this coming. >> jon: i didn't see this. >> stephen: not even
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ocasio-cortez. look at her reaction when she found out that she won. that is the terrified look of eye woman who just found out she will be working in congress. "oh, my god! no! i'll be good!" this is a shocker because crowley, the guy she defeated, he's the chairman of the democratic caucus and was "once seen as a likely replacement for house minority leader nancy pelosi." but crowley was big about it. here he is at his rally, congratulating ocasio-cortez: >> this is for alexandria ocasio-cortez! ♪ in the day we sweat it out on the streets of a runaway ♪ american dream >> stephen: he saw the results and was like, "midlife crisis, activate!" ( cheers and applause ) he managed to turn his defeat into a viagra commercial.
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( laughter ) but one politician was not quite so gracious: donald trump. he tweeted, "wow! big trump hater congressman joe crowley, who many expected was going to take nancy pelosi's place, just lost his primary election. in other words, he is out! that is a big one that nobody saw happening. perhaps he should have been nicer, and more respectful, to his president!" yes-- no! >> stephen: boo! >> stephen: he's right. queens is big on politeness. that's why on every street corner you hear, "excuse me, sir, i am walking here. ( laughter ) but you may forget about it." and you may have gotten rid of crowley, but i doubt the democratic socialist latina from queens is a huge fan of yours. "i'm so happy that alien has been defeated.
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i look forward to working with congressman predator." ( laughter ) quick programming note: alexandria ocasio-cortez will be my guest tomorrow night. right over there. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: i'm looking forward to that. >> stephen: i think she's going to bring it. i think she's going to bring it. and trump was in such a celebratory mood last night, he retweeted this cartoon. he's surfing a red wave titled "red wave." subtle. also, pretty weird that trump is celebrating "surfing the red wave," because i've been told by my writer ariel that it's slang for menstruation. isn't that right, ariel? >> yes, stephen. and the metaphor is fitting because i think we can all agree these are heavy days. ( cheers and applause ) and sometimes, sometimes you have to go with the flow.
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as americans, we must synch up! and shed the wall! shed the wall! shed the wall! >> audience: shed the wall! >> stephen: thank you, ariel. words to live by. ariel, everybody. perfect got me. touched me. touched me right here. the other big story coming out of last night's elections is that former massachusetts governor mitt romney won the g.o.p. primary in utah's senate race. that's right, mitt's back, baby! the thrilla who's vanilla! the salt lake beefcake! the stormin' mormon! ( laughter ) he-- he is set to replace-- ( applause ) he's set to replace orrin hatch who, at 84, is one of the oldest members of the senate. meanwhile, mitt romney's just 71, one year younger than donald trump. and from the looks of it, that was a pretty rough year. ( laughter )
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also, also, last night, oklahomans voted in favor of legalizing medical marijuana. ( applause ) that's right. legal weed in oklahoma. well, at least we know now what kind of dust was in that bowl. ( laughter ) now, i believe this is heartening this this divisive time, because oklahoma is a republican stronghold. no it proves once again there is no a red america or a blue america. there's only a green america with a towel under the door. and on the other side of that door? jeff sessions is calling the cops. but if the rest of us can harness this pot-induced political harmony, we can get through anything, even a 20-minute phish guitar solo. so that's why tonight, we salute you, oklahoma. ( band playing "oklahoma" ) ♪ tooooooooke-lah
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( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. paul rudd is here. but when we return, some confessions. stick around.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) oh, boy. folks, as most of you probably know, i am a practicing catholic. but i don't get to church very often. they're really mad about my yelp review of the coffee and donuts. jesus didn't die for entemann's! one star! ( laughter ) krispy kreme. and the thing i miss most about going to church is confession. so if you don't mind, i'd like to confess to you, my audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: great.
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this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions"! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back. ( laughter ) ( organ music ) forgive me, audience. i know they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but i do not miss chris christie at all. ( laughter ) audience, audience, if i ask you, "got any big plans for the weekend?" what i really mean is, "can this elevator go any faster?" ( laughter )
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sometimes, sometimes when i read a hardcover book, i remove the difficulty jacket. it really kills the sensation. ( laughter ) sometimes, sometimes, after a long day, i like to kick my feet up and just relax. it really freaks out the other drivers. ( laughter ) since the world cup started, i've started to care about soccer. and i'm worried the name "ronaldo" is taking up brain cells that could be remembering the name "gandalf." ( laughter ) i've never been good at name-dropping... according to my friend meryl streep. ( laughter )
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>> when things are really stressful, i calm down by hitting the jim... bean. ( cheers and applause ) i keep my beer in my vegetable drawer. and i keep my vegetables at the grocery store. ( laughter ) ( applause ) forgive me, audience! >> audience: we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back. ( applause ) ah! yeah! yeah! we hide hotel names, so you can find four star hotels at two star prices. h-o-t-w-i-r-e
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( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show."
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>> stephen: folks, you know my first guest from "wet hot american summer"; the "anchorman" movies; and, of universe.s ant-man in the he returns next week in "ant-man and the wasp." >> how did he even have time to buy a ticket? just one time please work! yes! oh, all right. i need help. oh! sorry. ah... hey! come on, man! not cool! murderers! i'm going to call you antonio bandaras! you're a bad-ass! yes! antonio!
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>> stephen: please welcome paul rudd! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ go paul rudd go paul rudd ♪ >> stephen: lovely to see you, paul rudd. >> it's nice to see you, stephen. >> stephen: the last time i saw you we were at a mutual friend's wedding. i said how late are you staying out? and you said... >> notalate, i have to go to taiwan. >> stephen: you went to taiwan to advocate for "ant-man and the wasp" over in taiwan. >> that's right. >> stephen: were they twieted in taiwan? >> they were so excited and so nice. people gave us gifts. they drew little, you know,
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cartoons of us, ofs can lil and myself. but it was surreal. it was a little bit surreal. all of a sudden you wake up and you're in taiwan. >> stephen: and you probably didn't expect in your life to wake up in taiwan and have people know who paul rudd was. >> i never saw that coming. no. you're absolutely right. you know what was weird, the wedding was-- the reception was at the-- i think on the observatory -- >> stephen: the top floor of the-- the-- >> and then the next day, i was in taiwan, and i went to dinner at taipei 101, which i think is the next tallest building. so within the span of 24 hours i was on the observatory floor of two of the tallest buildings in the world. >> stephen: well, that's paul rudd's life now. >> that's also something i nevem kansas-- >> not a lot of tall buildings. >> stephen: not a lot of tall buildings there. not even hills there, right? >> no, very few.
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>> stephen: kansas city is a great town. one of the best steaks i ever had at the golden ox. >> guto kansas city, and the kansas city strip, they talk about that cut of meat a lot. they're proud. and i think that turned into the new york strip. which is technically the same thing, but i think new york owned-- bought the rights to the steak. ( laughter ) don't quote me on this. wikipedia. >> stephen: new york, the steak or the city of new york bought the rights to the shape of a piece of meat. >> there-- i believe-- you know, i haven't checked this. i'm digging back into the recesses of my brain -- >> stephen: i believe you. who am i to question a man who is known in taiwan? not me? ( laughter ). >> i could be way wrong on this. by the way, as soon as we're done with this, i'm gog get online and find out if there is any truth to this story. >> stephen: the first time i met you we created and wrote this show, "strangers with
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candy." ( cheers and applause ) and the very last episode-- thank you very much. emotionally troubled people. the very last episode we needed big stars, we need big stars, and we said wynonna rider. and we said, who could be winona ryder's boyfriend? >> no one is saying yes this guy. >> stephen: we have a clip of you meeting jerry blank for the first time and winona ryder. >> you have met my new friend? >> no, where is she? >> right here. >> oh, yeah. hey. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what i want to know is-- ( applause ) brilliant. so little. you do so little and yet it does so much. what i want to know is what-- what panda placenta do you bathe in? because you look no different 18 years later. nothing has changed about you. i can see your beard. there's not even any gray in it. te: disagree.
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wordo laughter ) because i see nothing. you are nothing. you are-- you are unchanging. >> there is a great-- there was a great joke that george carlin-- he had so many agrees great ones. i remember he said, "what's all this b.s. people are saying about dick clark not looking his age? look harder." ( laughter ) and i was like, "yeah, you don't have to look too hard." i feel-- i feel awful on the inside. ( laughter ). >> stephen: oh, really? >> yeah. >> stephen: oh, yeah, i'm dead inside. i'm totally dead inside at this point. >> yeah, withering away. it's awful. >> stephen: speaking of withering away, you're a marvel superhero now. i asked you this a few years ago, did you have to get all, you know, jacked for the part? but do you? or does the suit do the work? like-- because we don't see a lot of naked ant-man. >> that's true. >> stephen: a lot of they canned thor. not a lot of naked ant-man.
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>> a little bit. i feel like it's part of the thing, you have to somehow fit into the suit. >> stephen: okay. >> and the good thing about an ant is, they're not thor size. they're thorac size. i just thought of that joke. good night, everybody. good night. >> stephen: paul rudd, everybody! >> no, you know what? >> stephen: folks, you know my next guest-- >> no. >> stephen: oh, you're back. good. >> i'm back. >> stephen: whatever ultimate to do. okay, so do you have-- do you have the abs? >> there's, like, you know, you don't want to feel like an impostor. you want to feel like you're at least part gang. i didn't go the full helmsworth. i worked, out a little bit and eat well. it's a bummer, but you get into the groove of it. >> stephen: did you have abs before? >> apparently, under all of that fat, they were there. ( laughter ). >> stenohismontsted whas called "the big slick." >> "the big slick."
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>> stephen: who that. >> "the big slick" is a charity in new york city, that -- >> guys. >> all guys from the same part of town we host every year, and we always invite a bunch of actors and musicians and comedians and stuff to come back. and we do this weekend benefit for children's mercy hospital in cabsas city. >> stephen: that's nice. that's so lovely. ( applause ) >> no, this is-- this is an amazing hospital. and we've now done it nine years in a row. and every year it's gotten bigger and bigger. and it's really fun. it's a series of event s. >> stephen: do you like going back to kansas city now that you're a big taiwan star? does it feel good? >> i do. my family is still there. i still-- those were the formative years. i wasn't born there, but 10-20, i was in kansas city. >> stephen: oh, yeah, those are. you became a man there. >> did you. i technically became a man in canada. that's where i was bar
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mitzvahed. but if you don't-- if you don't -- >> stephen: they out-sourced it to canada. when you were 13 they said, "we're going north." >> "we're going to go toon teario." >> stephen: you have family there? >> yeah, that's it. you can't ask too many family members come to kansas city. i don't think there are too many flights there. this is not going to be funny but i'll say it-- relax. why are there so many-- why are there so many commercials now of just medicines? this is the influence of big pharma. my -- >> stephen: it's legal now. it wasn't legal-- >> when we grew up you had anacin and bayer. that was it. those were the commercials. i had a gentleman with my daughter when she was little, and we'd sit around, let's play a game while waiting for the food to show up. name something that starts with "a--" apple, "b," banana. we didn't watch much tv and our she'like "ab meds
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( laughter ) you know it's messed up when you get to "x" and you have your choice. ( laughter ) xarelto! >> stephen: xanax. >> by the way, both some start with "z." who are these drug companies who think they should start with "x." >> stephen: i'll tell you why i like the way xanax is spelled? >> it's a palendrome. >> stephen: that's right. you can read it either way and not worry about it and that's jieting-relieving. mr. rudd. "ant-man and the wasp" opens next friday. paul rudd, everybody! we'll be right back with ken jeong. and rewards me basically everywhere. so why am i hosting a dental convention after party in my vegas suite? because lets me do me. who wants to floss me?
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! esenem, you . ext gut fromknocup "the han( ause )
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: have a seat. well, good to have you back. how are you? >> i'm good. thank you for having me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: is anything wrong? no, oh, no. >> stephen: last time you were here, which was a year and a half ago, or something like that, i only ask because you danced out the last time you were here. i loved it so much i actually-- i had a clip-- >> ooooh... >> stephen: ...of you. you seemed very happy, and then-- that's good, jim, thanks very much. i think we got the... ( laughter ) ( applause ) just seems very different than now. you seem like are you upset? >> no, i'm just trying to
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rebrand myself and my brand, and it's just more of the, kind of the less-flashy, more quiet, introspective me, and i like it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so you don't-- you don't want to-- you don't want to dance at all? >> you know, i mean, i'm not saying-- i mean, those were great times and i certainly enjoyed that, but i mean, there is just some residual. okay-- sorry, let's just-- just kind of-- ( laughter ) okay. ( applause ). >> stephen: are you all right? >> i'm-- okay. i-- ( cheers and applause ) i just-- it-- who am i kidding? you can't teach an old dog new tricks! ♪ ♪ rsndlaus
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> guess who's back! >> stephen: so, you used to be a doctor. ( laughter ) did you do that when you were a doctor? >> i danced in every exam room.
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kidding. >> stephen: really, you didn't dance for a pap smear? >> no in -- >> stephen: whoa! here we go. >> here we go! ( laughter ) >> stephen: i want $5 worth of whatever you're on. ( laughter ) i'm glad to know that you're happy. i'm glad to know that you're happy, man. >> very happy, thank you. >> stephen: the thing about the doctor-- how long were you a doctor? >> i was a doctor for seven years at an hmo, kaiser permanente. my wife's a doctor, still works there, kaiser. >> stephen: you worked so hard to be a doctor. why did you decide to make the switch? like, why did you go, "ah, enough of helping people. laughter is the best medicine." >> no, medicine is the best medicine. have you tried klonopin?
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>> stephen enough forveryone. >> it's in the back of my camry. do you want some? no, actually, i booked my first movie, actually, with paul rudd, as a doctor on "knocked up." i played the doctor in "knocked up." and i delivered katherine heigl's fake baby out of her fake va-jay-jay. >> stephen: i wouldn't know. >> it's fine. it's all fake. >> stephen: i don't know how it works. >> but it was the greatest moment of my creative life at that time. everybody who was anybody was in that movie. leslie mann, craig robinson, bill hader, jonah hill, jason siegel, adam scott-- it was like "the avengers" of comedy in that movie. and this is the first movie i did while having my day job. i took a vacation week -- >> stephen: from being a doctor. >> from being a doctor i took four days out and i played a fake doctor for four days. and it was just heaven sent working for judd. and i got to meet everyone, you
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know, all of my heroes in comedy. and tow this day it remains one of my favorite moments when judd apatow said, "you're my discovery. i will put you in all my movies. and i can't wait to work with you some more." it's because of him that i have a career. i'm very grateful. ( applause ) yeah, absolutely. and then the next day i had to go back to kaiser. ( laughter ) and i was so-- this is true. i was very depressed going back to work. i just couldn't-- i couldn't go back. it was time for me to go pro. i didn't even want to see eye just couldn't stee a patient-- there were patients waiting for hours to see me the next day. i didn't want to see them. and i literally was just like in the whole time, like a debbie downer. and my nurse came out to me and says, "dr. jeong you have a patient in exam room 2 that wants to see i." and i was like, "well, nurse, u have a doctor who doesn't give a (bleep).
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i just did a movie, carol! it was an apatow! you don't get it, man!" ( laughter ) so i quit my job. i actually at that point, i quit my medical job-- i saw a couple more patients, and then i quit. ( laughter ) and then once i quit my job, my strict traditional korean dad was very, very pissed. he always wanted me to be a doctor his whole life, and when i made the decision to quit he was like, "you bring shame to jeong family!" and then after "the hangover," "we are so proud." ( applause ) "of your tiny ding dong." ( laughter ) so when you get "hangover" famous, it kind of changes the asian father from father to freeloader real quick, you know. when i was a kid he was like, "you better get me good grades."
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and now he's like, "you better get me s-class mercedes! no e-class!" >> stephen: you're a good son. well, lovely to see you. thanks for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: you can see ken at caroline's on broadway and on tour around the country, ken caroline's on broadway and on tour around the country, ken jeong, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by florence & the machine. we'll be right back with a performance by florence & the fy the powerful backing of american express. don't live life without it.
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>> stephen: their new album, "high as hope," comes out this friday. here performing their single, "hunger," ladies and gentlemen, florence and the machine! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ at 17 i started to starve myself ♪ i thought that love was a kind of emptiness ♪ and at least i understood then the hunger i felt ♪ and i didn't have to call it loneliness ♪ we all have a hunger we all have a hunger
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♪ we all have a hunger we all have a hunger ♪ tell me what you need oh, you look so free ♪ the way you use your body baby come on and work it for me ♪ don't let it get you down you're the best thing i've seen ♪ we never found the answer but we knew one thing ♪ we all have a hunger we all have a hunger ♪ we all have a hunger we all have a hunger ♪ we all have a hunger we all have a hunger ♪ we all have a hunger we all have a hunger ♪ and it's friday night and it's kicking in ♪ and i can't dress they're gonna crucify me ♪ oh, but you and all your vibrant youth ♪ how could anything bad
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ever happen to you ♪ you make a fool of death with your beauty ♪ and for a moment i thought that love ♪ was in the drugs but the more i took ♪he morit took away and i could never get enough ♪ i thought that love was on the stage ♪ you give yourself to strangers you don't have to be afraid ♪ and then it tries to find a home with people ♪ oh, and i'm alone picking it apart and ♪ staring at your phone we all have a hunger ♪ we all have a hunger we all have a hunger ♪ we all have a hunger tell me what you need ♪ oh, you look so free the way you use your body, baby
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♪ come on and work it for me don't let it get you down ♪ you're the best thing i've seen ♪ we never found the answer but we knew one thing ♪ we all have a hunger we all have a hunger ♪ we all have a hunger we all have a hunger ♪ we all have a hunger we all have a hunger ♪ we all have a hunger we all have a hunger ♪ and it's friday night and it's kicking in ♪ and i can't dress they're gonna crucify me ♪ oh, you and all your vibrant youth ♪ how could anything bad ever happen to you ♪ you make a fool of death with your beauty ♪ and for a moment i forget to worry ♪ ( cheers and applause ) what about him?
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>> stephen: hey, that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be michael moore, eric andre and derrick beckles, and alexandria ocasio-cortez. now stick around for james corden. goodnight!
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captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> welcome to "cbs this evening." >> james: it's the evening. it's cbs. it's "cbs this evening." ( laughter ) >> good evening, everyone. the search continues. >> james: that's right, it's been nearly five days since this story was first reported. and with every additional day that passes, this is quickly becoming one of the greatest unsolved mysteries of our time. >> indeed. at this point, there are only
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two worlds that exist: the world


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