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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 11, 2019 11:50pm-12:52am PDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> in his 2020 budget proposal, president trump calls for cutting national science foundation fund by $1 billion. >> due to budget cuts, bill nye the science guy will not be seen tonight. instead it's ♪ ted rye the science funding cut guy ♪ >> look, it's there, now it's gone. now it's back again. how does that work? oh! hello, kids. today we'll talk about the weather and what causes thunder and lightning with our friend ella here. >> what does cause thunder and lightning, mr. science funding cut guy? >> your guess is as good as mine. maybe it's god bowling. maybe it's angels moving furniture. you ask too many questions. >> isn't scientific curiosity good? >> spoken like a true witch! i'll have you burned at the stake!
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>> ♪ ted rye the science funding cut guy ♪ >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, howdy pardon-er. plus, stephen welcomes donnie wahlberg heidi schreck. and special appearances by laura benanti and christine baranski. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hello! right this way! right this way! jon! hello! >> jon: what's going on? >> stephen: what's up, louis? >> crowd: stephen! stephen! stephen!
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stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody! welcome, one and all. please, have a seat! thank you very much. beautiful. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. first of all, folks, happy friday. happy friday. happy early saint patrick's day to all of our friends from the old sod out there. you know who could use a little luck of the irish? donald trump. because the house of representatives is after him, like they're after a leprechaun's pot of gold. and they're dotting the i's and spilling the tea. first victim: former trump attorney and cartoon meerkat, michael cohen.
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cohen originally told congress that he never sought a pardon, from the president, but this week, in closed testimony, he revealed that "the president's advisers dangled the possibility of a pardon last year" through a back channel with giuliani. of course, the dangling may not have been on purpose. at his age, i'm guessing rudy's back channel is mostly dangle. ( laughter ) >> jon: oooooh! ooooh! ( applause ) >> stephen: get that image lodged up there. and cohen has kept the receipts on this one. specifically, two 2018 emails from giuliani's buddy, robert costello, who wrote cohen could "sleep well tonight" because he had "friends in high places." first of all, the phrase "sleep well" is never reassuring, not even in the mob-themed children's book: "sleep well, moon." ( laughter ) but that "you've got friends in high places" sure sounds like a pardon dangle to me.
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but costello, who wrote that email, called cohen's story "utter nonsense," explaining, "this statement, 'sleep well tonight, you have friends in high places,' was a tongue-in- cheek reference to a garth brooks song." what? that song is called "friends in low places," which is already a tongue-in-cheek reference to the actual expression, "friends in high places." it's like costello is saying, "i've written a parody of the weird al song, 'i love rocky road.' it's called 'i love rock and roll.' ( laughter ) it's tongue-in-cheek." costello-- ( cheers and applause ) thank you. weird al fans. big weird al fans here tonight. costello said he was simply trying to offer comfort to "a client whose state of mind was highly disturbed and had suggested to us that he was suicidal." how could you tell? whenever i see him, i want to add a hotline number underneath.
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stay strong, mike. and cohen wasn't the only one giving secret testimony. congress also heard from former acting attorney general and lex luthor pretending to be clark kent, matt whitaker. whitaker gave-- ( cheers and applause ) delayed reaction. whitaker gave closed door testimony to the house judiciary committee, and as soon as the door opened, we learned everything he said from committee chair and fun grandpa who teaches naughty limericks, jerry nadler. last month, it was reported that trump asked whitaker to put an ally in charge of the cohen investigation. rumor has it trump wanted to appoint his closest ally: kim jong, un-ttorney at law. ( laughter ) ( applause ) yes, have you been injured in a labor camp? call now. putting a crony in as u.s. attorney over an investigation that you're the subject of is
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called... obstruction of justice. but that's nothing new for trump. if he doesn't obstruct justice every half hour, he gets an alert from his apple watch: "time to stand! and undermine our democracy for one minute." ( cheers and applause ) gotta-- gotta close those rings. gotta close those... >> jon: close the loop, uh-huh? >> stephen: now, nadler says that in private testimony, whitaker did not deny talking to trump about cohen. so he didn't confirm, but he didn't deny. what did he do? did he phrase it like a riddle? (as whitaker) "answer first my questions three, about my time as the acting a.g.!" ha-ha-ha! poof! ha-ha-ha! ( cheers and applause )
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but investigating trump is not easy, according to connecticut representative and louie anderson playing ted kennedy ( laughter ) john larson. larson complained, "when have we ever had a presidency when the news cycle is dictated in the morning by what he tweets? you're working overtime to make your case, and it's like pushing the bean uphill: you realize what a difficult job it is in this environment." first of all, cry me a river, larson. try making it funny. ( laughter ) second, "pushing a bean uphill?" pushing the bean uphill. is that a thing? (as larson) "investigating trump is like trying to get milk from a stone, but there's plenty of fish in the mall, and the early bird catches the syphilis." ( laughter ) and new york congressman hakeem jeffries put it this way.
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he said, "donald trump is like the wizard of oz: he creates all this imagery-- this chaos, this crisis, this confusion." he's right. trump is actually every character in "the wizard of oz." his bone spurs make him a cowardly lion. kids in cages proves he doesn't have a heart. his spelling shows he doesn't have a brain, and he is actually the subject of a "witch hunt." ( cheers and applause ) (as trump) "there's no place like mar-a-lago. there's no place like mar-a- lago. and my thighs won't let me click my heels. "i don't-- i don't-- just-- i'll take a mulligan there." but trump is ready for a fight-- and not just metaphorically. here's what he said in a recent interview with the "breitbart." "you know, the left plays a tougher game. it's very funny. i actually think that the people on the right are tougher, but they don't play it tougher. okay? i can tell you i have the
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support of the police, the support of the military, the support of the bikers for trump. i have the tough people, but they don't play it tough-- until they go to a certain point, and then it would be very bad, very bad." okay, no big deal. i just want to point out the president of the united states just threatened to terrorize his opponents with the police, a military junta, and roving biker gangs. ( laughter ) it's all part of his new slogan: "make america great again, and if you don't, spider here will whip you with a bike chain." at times like these-- at times like these, i think about the president we could have had, hillary clinton. not perfect, obviously, but, you know, not publicly threatening "the purge." earlier this week, secretary clinton appeared at the launch of a new organization whose goal is to help democratic candidates with kids, called "vote mama." not to be confused with "vote momo," which is absolutely terrifying.
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but while hillary was speaking at the event, she was interrupted by an adorable phone call. see for yourself: >> it is about local and state-- (phone rings) oh, dear. ( laughter ) you're not going to believe this. it's a grandchild. yeah, it's my grandchildren on facetime. hi, charlotte! i'm at a meeting! i'm with all these people! i'll call you back, okay? >> stephen: just think. if she had won in 2016, we'd have a president who people call just to say "i love you," instead of "i'd love a pardon." we've got a great show for you tonight. donnie wahlberg is here. from "blue bloods." but when we return, i'll talk to first lady melania trump. stick around. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
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it will never survive the winter. charging stations? good luck finding one of those. so, maybe an electric car isn't for you after all. or, is it? ♪ ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, to "the late show," already in progress. you know folks, there are so many crazy stories coming out about the trump administration that it can seem unbelievable. which is why i was really surprised to hear one that i literally do not believe. i'm talking about the rumor out there that at some of trump's public appearances with his wife, melania, "the first lady deploys a body double." which i find to be completely
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ridiculous. just imagine, the ideanald, ingn unbelievable, this rumor has persisted since 2017, when people first saw this picture and thought it didn't look like melania. i don't know, in my opinion, that is either melania or rami malek is about to win another oscar! i smell oscar buzz! but this crazy body double theory took off on twitter again this weekend when #fakemelania started trending. fun fact: these days, most of twitter is eastern europeans faking affection for donald trump. now, obviously, this is a completely unsubstantiatedrumoro widespread that president trump even weighed in on twitter. "the fake news photoshopped pictures of melania, then propelled conspiracy theories
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that it's actually not her by my side in alabama and other places. they are only getting more deranged with time!" (as trump) "deranged people spreading fake conspiracies are so bad, even worse than when ted cruz's dad killed j.f.k." ( laughter ) now, it is worth-- in my opinion-- it's worth pointing out the images that started this rumor are not photoshopped. but the president is half right, because this is nothing more than a wild conspiracy theory. fortunately, "the late show" has a source that can put an end to it once and for all. please welcome, live from the white house, the actual first lady, melania trump! ( cheers and applause ) >> hello, stephen! >> stephen: madame first lady, thank you so much for joining us! >> it's a pleasure to be here, stephen! or am i? ( laughter ) >> stephen: ha-ha.
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okay, so i take it you've heard this rumor about you employing a body double? >> yes. it makes no sense! how could there be two melania trumps? think about it: doesn't it seem crazy there is even one? ( laughter ) >> stephen: i guess so, i guess so. so, you're saying those pictures are you and not an impersonator? >> of course it is me, stephen. why would anyone impersonate melania trump? for what? attention? applause? ( cheers and applause ) besides, it'd take some kind of tony award-winning actor to pull off this role. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah, where we would get one of those. ma'am, ma'am-- please. it's a family show, ma'am. ma'am, it's a family show. now, i'm sure you're right.
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okay, but who can be certain that you're the real melania trump? say something only melania trump would say. >> be best? >> stephen: okay, that checks out. >> yes, yes. >> stephen: i don't know anyone else who would say that. so, just to confirm ma'am, you have never even once used a body double when appearing with your husband in public? >> no! besides, if i were going to use a double, it would be in private, when donald knocks on my bedroom door... ( cheers and applause ) right? when he knocks on my door and he asks for a presidential briefing. >> stephen: you call it a "briefing?" >> yes. it's over in two minutes, and he spends the whole time confused. oooh! ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter )
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>> stephen: i'm going to try to redact that mental image. here's the thing, ma'am, it seems strange, but some world leaders have actually used body doubles. is that something the president has ever considered? >> of course, stephen. we considered it, but we couldn't train a manatee to walk on two legs. ( laughter ) >> stephen: the point is-- you have a point to make? >> no! >> stephen: i think you do. >> the point is, stephen, this is all one giant distraction. >> stephen: i agree. >> we need to be focused on the real issues. >> stephen: great, i agree. speaking of real issues, i'm going to get into some with you, your husband has just taken a very hard line against what he calls "chain migration," but ma'am, in fact, that's actually how your parents recently received their citizenship-- >> oh, no more questions, stephen. this is bullying. bye-bye!
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>> stephen: okay, i don't know if we're into o.t. here. but, okay. ( cheers and applause ) okay, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i'm not sure what's going on. i think i might have offended the first lady. >> no, stephen. i am still here. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: madam first lady? >> yes. it is me-- the first and only first lady. you can't get rid of me, no matter how hard i try. ( laughter ) >> stephen: uh... i'm sorry. ma'am i really don't believe this conspiracy theory, but i have to say, you sudde >>t like the medfocus on my appearance instead of all the important work that i do. >> stephen: and what is that work that you do? >> exactly. i don't even know. that's how little attention we pay to it. >> stephen: so, ma'am, you're
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telling me you are not a melania impersonator? >> of course not. why would anyone impersonate melania trump? especially after someone else has already really made that role her own. it would take some kind of two- time tony award-winning actor to pull that off! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: all right, all right, all right. all right. granted, i's just that you just seem different. you swear you are the melania trump that is married to donald trump? >> stephen: yes, of course. i am married to donald trump and we are in lov-- in lo-- oh, i can't do this. >> stephen: i'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. i think-- i think-- i think she's gone.
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>> no stephen. i am still here. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay? >> what was your question? oh yeah, i love donald trump. just as sure as i'm donald trump. >> stephen: you mean melania trump? >> bingo. >> stephen: okay, you're definitely an imposter. but either way, thank you so much for being here. first lady melania trump, everybody. >> thank you, stephen! >> stephen: we'll be right back. so nice. what an honor. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) hey, who are you? oh, hey jeff, i'm a car thief... what?! i'm here to steal your car because, well, that's my job. what? what?? what?! (laughing) what?? what?! what?! [crash] what?! haha, it happens. and if you've got cut-rate car insurance,
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happy friday. happy friday, jon. >> jon: happy friday! >> stephen: amazing friday crowd. isn't this a great friday crowd? >> jon: oh, yes. >> stephen: one of the best friday crowds we've ever had right here? >> jon: yeah. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: beautiful, vibrant. electric. >> jon: i like that. >> stephen: electric. you know donnie wahlberg is going to be out here from new kids on the block. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: the new kids. and of course "blue bloods" here on cbs. and of course everybody watching just watched "blue bloods" before they saw this show tonight. jon and i do the same thing, every night before we do the show, we sit backstage-- you, me, the whole band-- we watch the entire cbs lineup before he come out here so we have the same experience you do. he's also got a new sh coming up called-- it's a new crime series called "very scary people." the worst people in the world. like murderers-- terrible people. it's very popular these days, because true crime shows are huge right now.
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just look at the success of netflix's recent documentary about serial killer ted bundy. it's called "conversations with a killer: the ted bundy tapes." it's the perfect netflix show to binge if you loved "the great british bake off," but thought it lacked enough corpses. but some people are saying that it may actually glamorize bundy. take a look at some of the trailer. >> he didn't look like anybody's notion of somebody who would tear apart young girls. >> my name is ted bundy. >> there was something unique about ted's brain. >> he had very blue eyes. >> are you a little scared, when you look at him? >> he just doesn't look like the type to kill somebody. >> he was charming, good looking, smart. are you sure you have the right guy? >> stephen: okay, that does seem to focus on his looks. and, evidently, viewers thought so, to been tweeting things like "he was hot. i can't believe i'm writing this about a serial killer." and "ted bundy was a serial killer, but why is he so hot?"
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oh, it's true, he was smoking. because they gave him the electric chair for murdering people! stop it! ( applause ) there were actually so many -- this is true-- there were so many disturbing tweets about ted bundy being attractive that netflix actually responded saying: "there are literally thousands of hot men on the service-- almost all of whom are not convicted serial murderers." ( laughter ) okay, okay. weird flex, but okay. that's like saying, "we here at 'the late show' have the best staff. almost everyone here isn't a cannibal." right, joe? ( laughter ) and to prove just how serious netflix are about not wanting tl killer seem attractive, netflix, and this is true, is releasing another movie where bundy is played by a shirtless zac efron.
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seen here being sexy. it's called "extremely wicked, shockingly evil, and vile." which, evidently, is also their programming strategy. and it doesn't end there, because we here at "the late show" have an exclusive sneak peek of the trailer for netflix's newest serial killer documentary. take a look. >> he didn't look like anybody's idea of a monster. >> he just seemed like a normal guy. just a normal, unbelievably sexy guy. >> my name is dick nighttime. >> new revelations in the dick nighttime case today. >> there was something unique about dick's brain. also his abs. >> he had these stunning blue eyes, like an icy mountain lake. which happens to be where he dumped the bodies. >> he would butcher his victims and make meals of their flesh. it was shocking. i mean, the guy could also cook. >> he would kill his victims with his bare hands. >> you can just imagine how his
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biceps must have flexed and glistened in the moonlight. i'm sorry, is it warm in here? ( laughter ) >> i mean, yeah, i guess there were, like, a bunch of young women with brown hair. but honestly, none of them were even that hot so i wouldn't focus on it. ♪ ♪ >> unfortunately, he never actually showed up to court naked, but i did make a sketch of what that would look like. ( laughter ) and that's me right there. >> stephen: we'll be right back with donnie wahlberg. -♪ just like any other family
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so at cvs pharmacy we got up early and built a system that helps calculate each person's ideal schedule. it's great for doctors. and caregivers. at cvs pharmacy, we're just trying to help more people have more mornings. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! ladies and gentlemen, oh, folks, my next guest is a founding member of new kids on the block and a star of "blue bloods" here on cbs. please welcome back to "the late show," donnie wahlberg! ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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>> stephen: very dashing. that's very dashing, the turtleneck and the vest. >> you know, i dress up for you, stephen. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> i feel like i have to bring my "a" game. my mom is watching-- "comb your hair." >> stephen: does she still watch everything you do? >> yes. >> stephen: that's nice. >> she's discovered dvr-- >> stephen: sure, sure, everybody who has a real life watches the next day. only the youngsters are watching right now. >> i'll call her and say, "hey, did you watch 'blue bloods'." in the morning. and she'll say "i did," and i'm like, "no you didn't." and she'll say no, but i'll watch it later. she will eventually watch it. she falls asleep at like 6:00. >> stephen: how is wahlburger's doing? >> it's doing great. the restaurants are doing great. we're a small business. fortunately, we're a small business with a couple of guys behind it, me and mark. who can afford to go through the lumps of a small business. but we're expanding. we're almost at 30 locations. the tv show is doing great. we have products in supermarkets now. >> stephen: did you have a
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wahlburgers today? >> i didn't. >> stephen: good, you know why? because it's friday and it's lent. >> that's right. >> stephen: you're not supposed to. >> that's right. >> stephen: what do you guys do during lent? do you have a fish sandwich? >> i gave up lent for lent. i gave it up. >> stephen: do you guys have onion rings? >> onion strings. >> stephen: onion strings. >> sweet potato tots. not just regular tots. sweet potato tots. >> stephen: you and your brother can sell. you guys can sell. >> he's a con man and i'm -- >> stephen: obviously, it's friday. you were on the "blue bloods" tonight. what is it like working with tom selleck's mustache? is that thing-- is it a diva? does it have it's own trailer? we're not technically allowed to look at the mustache. it's a thing. you've heard, like, pop stars have this. >> stephen: can't look the mustache in the eye. >> don't look the mustache in the eye. i've heard it's a great guy. >> stephen: is anybody else allowed to have a mustache? or is it in the contract-- >> i tried. i tried.
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one off-season, my wife, jenny, likes when i wear a mustache, and i wore one the whole summer hiatus. and my fans and my band and my kids were like dad, you're a creep. get it off your face. but my wife loves it. so she said, "see if they'll let you wear it on blue bloods." so i called leonard goldberg, our executive producer, and i said, hey, i was thinking of wearing a mustache." it was crickets on the other end of the phone. it's crickets. and i got a text from tom's mustache about a half-hour later saying -- >> stephen: back off, back off. >> seriously, tom doesn't always love the mustache. he's the best guy in the world. >> stephen: very nice fellow. we've had him on here. >> he's been so good to me as younger guy coming on the show with him, it's very intimidating, he's a tv legend. >> stephen: "magnum p.i." >> now he's frank reagan. that outlasted "magnum p.i." >> stephen: when i was a 13- year-old boy i wanted the red ferrari and the helicopter. >> exactly, i still want the red ferrari. i still don't have a red ferrari. mark has three of them. >> stephen: wahlburgers will get you there.
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how long you have played a new york cop now? >> nine years. >> stephen: has it gotten you out of a traffic ticket? have you used it? >> i-- i tried. i tried. ( laughter ) so i was-- it was new year's eve, and jenny this year-- my wife, jenny mccarthy-- was hosting new year's eve, and new kids on the block performed on new year's eve, so we were leaving at 4:00 a.m. to go to a hotel and nap for a few hours. our driver took a right turn on red which you're not supposed to do. and the cop was standing there. and the guy was like, "oh, man." and the cop was giving him a hard time. "the sign's right there, you can't go right there." and i said tell him you have donnie wahlberg from "blue bloods" in the back and maybe he'll let you go. and the cop comes over. and he said, i have donnie wahlberg from "blue bloods" in the back. he said "i don't give a damn who you have in the car, you can't make a right turn on a red. here's the ticket. hey, donnie, i love 'blue bloods, good night." ( applause ) >> stephen: new york's finest.
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>> new york's finest. i paid the ticket. >> stephen: would you make a good cop? would you make a good cop? >> you know, i'm too nice. i'm too lenient. new york city cops are nice, they're very nice. they're regular neighborhood people. and they're charged with protecting the single most targeted city in the world at any given moment. but see, i wouldn't have gave that ticket out. i wouldn't have gave it out. if you're drunk driving i'm going to put you in jail but if you took a right turn or parked wrong i would be, "go ahead, get out of here." if you're speeding, "slow down." i couldn't do it. >> stephen: you shouldn't be a cop. speaking of crime, you have a new show called "very scary people." >> yes. >> stephen: and it's a series about some of the most notorious criminals, murderers, the worst people in the world. is it a compliment or does it upset you when you found out they said, "you know what? donnie wahlberg. >> he's the guy. he's the guy to talk about john wayne gacy.
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i don't know, but i will tell you what's very strange is i saw an article about the show in a review, and it had a picture of new kids on the block at 18 years old next to charles manson. it was very unsettling to see. it just-- >> stephen: ♪ one of these things is not like the other ♪ >> yes, how did that happen? very surreal, very surreal. in my career-- somehow in my acting career i've played a lot of cops. i've worked with a lot of cops. and i worked hard on "blue bloods" to do it the right way and do it like a real detective would do it. i think that brings something to it. certainly i'm informed probably more than the average person who might be asked to host the show. does it mean i know everything about law enforcement? absolutely not. but i think i'm-- i am fascinated by these real crime shows. that's the thing. i love like "forensic files," is one of my favorite shows. my wife and i binge watch it all the time, so for me, it's something i always love and i like to do what i like to do -- >> stephen: you still have the music. you still have the music and you're going on tour again this
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summer. >> new kids on the block, mixtape tour with naughty by nature, salt 'n pepa, debbie gibson and tiffany. it's going to be amazing. it never gets old. >> stephen: so like being in the crowd and everything like that? >> i love performing as much as i ever have with my band mates. we have the greatest fans in the world. and, you know, our tours just get bigger and bigger every year and it's crazy. we reunited in 2008, and every tour gets bigger than the last one. it's unbelievable. i feel very lucky and blessed and i will ride that wagon until the wheels fall off. >> stephen: thanks for being here, man. have a great summer. "very scary people" premieres this sunday on hln, and "blue bloods" airs fridays at 10:00 on cbs. buy you knew that. donnie wahlberg, everybody! we'll be right back with actress and playwright heidi schreck.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to "the late show." folks, my next guest tonight is an actress and playwright whose hit show, "what the constitution means to me" just moved to
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broadway. please welcome heidi schreck! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: well, thanks for being here. this show is-- is fascinating. you wrote this play, it premiered off broadway. it became a massive hit, and now it's coming to broadway. got it right here. there you go. it's "what the constitution means to me." at the helen hayes theater. first of all, congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: what is it about? ( applause ). >> thank you. thank you so much. everyone is applauding the constitution. that's so exciting. it's-- it's actually a very personal love story about a teenaged girl's bad romance with the constitution.
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>> stephen: now, okay, let's get to the teenaged girl part. >> sure. >> stephen: because this is-- this is a photo-- you are 15 years old here. >> yeah. >> stephen: and it says, "winning an american legion oratoricle contest." what was the contest and what did you win? >> oh, i won so much money. the contest-- basically, when i was in high school, i would travel the country giving speeches about the constitution at american legion halls for prize money. this was a scheme invented by my mom, who is a debate coach to help me pay for college. i was actually able to pay for my entire college education this way. ( applause ) thank you, yes. >> stephen: that's a lot of speeches. >> it's a lot-- it was 30 years ago, and it was a state school, so don't get too excited. but it was a lot of speeches, yeah. about 10 years ago, i decided i wanted to make a play based on this experience. and i ended up making a much more personal play than i thought i would. i-- the play became about the
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stories of the women in my family, the way their lives have been shaped by the constitution, the way the constitution has failed them over generations. >> stephen: i understand that it's an intensely personal story. >> yes. >> stephen: and that it can be nerve-racking for you to do this, especially when you first started doing it. >> uh, yes. uh, the first time i ever performed it publicly-- let me say, just to give you a little context. i have a-- i have a history of domestic abuse on my maternal side and sexual assault. and that is in the play. and the first time i got to that section of the play, i had a panic attack and just turned around and walked off stage. i was like this is a terrible idea. >> stephen: in front of the audience, you left? >> yeah, i just left. yeah, i was like, "never mind. i don't want to do this." everyone rushed back stage, my husband, the director, the artistic director of the theater. and they were like, "please go back out." and i was like, "no, thank you." and my husband said, "you know,
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i'm sitting behind this row of young women, and they're very into the play, and they clearly want and need to hear what you're talking about." and i was like, "yeah, no, that's okay." and then he was like, "what if i give you a shot of tequila?" and i was like, "okay." ( laughter ). >> stephen: we heard about this so, we're-- we're-- we're prepared. ( cheers and applause ) do you have a show tonight? >> yes, right here! >> stephen: here we go. here we go. okay, so here, let's get going here. there you go. there you go. please do enjoy. here, steady the nerves there while i ask you the next question. >> i might keep it for when i panic, if that's okay? >> stephen: okay, we'll keep it right here. it's the escape hatch right there. >> thank you. >> stephen: as it always is. now, i'll bite-- what's the constitution and why should i care? ( laughter ) i hear a lot of talk about it, and i've been meaning to get-- i've been meaning to get around to reading it.
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but it's just one of those things. it's on the bedside table. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: why are you so attracted to the constitution? >> i-- i don't know. as a teenaged girl, i really was, though. i was kind of, like, excited by it-- like, kind of horny for it. ( laughter ) i was really -- >> stephen: like for the constitution or for james madison? like, who-- >> no. sadly, i was really into justice william o. douglas. i love the ninth amendment and he -- >> stephen: why? william "oh, douglas!" they called him. >> i love the ninth amendment. >> stephen: why, why do you love the ninth amendment? >> so the ninth amendment says... wait a second. ( cheers and applause ) the ninth amendment says that just because a certain right is not listed in the constitution, it doesn't mean we don't have that right. it's like a little escape hatch
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where they said, "we understand that we are-- we don't know everything, and that in the future, there might be things we cannot imagine, and we're going to put this amendment here that says, "don't assume because it's not in the constitution you don't have that right." it's wonderful. so that amendment-- ( applause ) yes, right? >> stephen: is that-- is that-- can i just ask you for a second? >> sure. >> stephen: why-- why that's wonderful to you? >> well, i's wonderful to me because it's the amendment that made birth control legal. it's the amendment that-- ( applause ) yes. >> stephen: is it that-- is it-- when i hear it, i think oh, basically the framers of the constitution are saying, "look, we haven't specifically said you can't do it. basically everything is-- is allowed." >> uh, well, they didn't quite say that. >> stephen: no, they said it the way you said it. but i'm saying they could have said it my way. yes. >> i can tell you more later.
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it did allow-- ( laughter ) because as i'm sure you know... >> stephen: yes, oh, i know a lot. i'm proving my knowledge of the constitution right now. >> female bodies were left entirely out of the constitution. >> stephen: couldn't vote. >> couldn't vote. were not considered people. were not considered citizens. >> stephen: could hold property? >> could not hold property. they were the property of their husbands. >> stephen: yeah. >> so the ninth amendment is what they had to use when they started making laws about our bodies, for example, the right to choice, the right to birth control. they had to use this amendment that has, you know-- that says like, "hey, there are other things we forgot about." they had to use the ninth amendment to make decisions about our bodies, because when they made the constitution they were just like, "we don't know what this is!" ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's a very-- that's a very good impression of a man.
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i have to say. >> thank you, thank you. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: well, we've got to go. >> what? no! >> stephen: yeah, we do. we do, unfortunately-- >> wait, wait. >> stephen: go ahead. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much for being here and explaining briefly your favorite parts of the constitution. "what the constitution means to me" is in previews at the helen hayes theater now. heidi schreck, everybody!
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>> stephen: good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside the

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