tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS May 23, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
tonight, stephen welcomes jim sciutto, a special appearance by conan o'brien, and musical guest the national, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: whoo! ( cheers and applause ) thanks, everybody! please, up there, down here! thank you! thanks, everybody. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your shows stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) i feel the same way. i am lit because, you know what? summer is here.
okay? memorial day weekend is this weekend, and i strongly urge you, everyone, to enjoy it, because it is the last summer holiday trump's not going to make about himself. this is true, we already know he's planning to ruin fourth of july by holding a rally called "a salute to america," where he'll give a speech at the lincoln memorial. ( audience reacts ) the statue of lincoln made the following statement: "and i thought that play was bad." ( laughter ) we just learned that trump plans to formally launch his re-election campaign on june 16 father's day. ( audience reacts ) he thinks he's america's father, which explains why he only loves a third of us. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff )
but there's another reason. june 16th is four years to the day since he rode down the gold escalator in trump tower to announce his 2016 run. i think we all remember where we were that day, when we were sure we wouldn't have to remember where we were that day. ( laughter ) i will say this -- i will say this -- i will give the man this, jon, since then, he has kept the promise of that metaphorical entrance, leading the country on a slow, endless descent. ( cheers and applause ) trump's not going to be here for memorial day. he's going to japan. and while he's there, japanese prime minister shinzo abe will treat trump with lots of pomp, including an imperial banquet, and front row seats at a sumo tournament. ( laughter ) (as trump) "told you i have an athletic build.
( laughter ) put me in, coach. i'm already wearing the diaper." ( laughter ) allegedly. allegedly. we don't know. ( applause ) normally, people sitting ringside for a sumo match are in boxed areas with japanese zabuton mattresses, but putting in chairs was being considered to accommodate trump. possibly because of trump's rumored history with mattresses. ( audience reacts ) ( piano riff ) too soon? ( laughter ) in literary news, donald trump jr. has signed a book deal. he hasn't finished it yet, but they already have a working title: "the art of the douche." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) a source close to don jr. says the book "will focus on politics, current events and the future of the maga movement."
current events? i think don jr. is unfamiliar with the concept of "book." ( laughter ) (as don jr.) "i'm going to write a book that comes out every day and has a crossword puzzle, and 'marmaduke.' ( laughter ) he's a big dog." this is a personal question. i hope you don't mind me asking it -- anyone in my audience wearing open-toe shoes tonight? yeah, couple of people? very brave, because we just learned the new york rat population is booming! ( laughter ) this is true. this is true, welcome to the big apple. "rat sightings have soared, from 12,600 in 2014, to just over 17,000 last year, according to calls made to the city's 311 hotline." who the hell in new york is picking up the phone to report a rat? ( laughter ) "hello, 311? oh thank god. i'd like to report a rat! also, i saw a puddle of murky water even though it hasn't rained in days.
additionally, a cab driver was a little short with me. are you writing this down?" ( laughter ) the bad smell is coming from the sewer! ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) pest control experts say one reason for the rising vermin population is the city's construction boom, which has been digging up burrows, and forcing more rats out into the open. in other words, gentrification. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) which explains why i've seen so many rats wearing athleisure. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) but the biggest contributing factor is how our city collects trash. for those of you who've never had the pleasure of seeing this in person, new york trash bags are left outside on the curb for hours before pick-up the next
morning, making all-night buffet for the rats. excuse me, those buffets have a name: taco bell. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but this doesn't change the fact that new york still needs to do something with all these rats, which is why i'd like to ask everyone in my audience to look under your seat! ( laughter ) and see if there are any rats down there. no in we clear tonight? well, that's surprising. ( laughter ) now, if you're worried about our country falling apart, i've got hopeful news: other countries are falling apart faster. ( laughter ) because there's news out of england about far-right leader and alien adjusting to his new skin suit, nigel farage. on monday, farage, who founded the brexit party, was walking through the english city of newcastle when he was hit with an unusual form of protest. there he is, the guy in the suit
walking in the middle, when boom, he gets hit with a milkshake! ( cheers and applause ) hold on. i don't approve. i don't approve. that's the difference between our two countries. no american would ever willingly give up dessert. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) i swear! never gonna do it! never gonna do it. if trump declared martial law, i'd throw a salad. ( laughter ) i would quinoa the mother ( bleep ). ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) now, i want to be clear: i do not condone or encourage throwing milkshakes, or anything else, at leaders you disagree with. that's what voting is for. milkshakes are for treating your depression after you find out nobody voted. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) but i'm still going to show you this picture of nigel farage after the drive-by shaking. there he is.
( laughter ) ironically, he was on his way back from winning the ribbon for "least milky suit." ( laughter ) nigel's tasty torment continues, because yesterday, farage got trapped on his battle bus as a group of youths with milkshakes threatened to throw them over him. oh, my god! gangs in england are adorable! ( laughter ) this is what we could have if we finally implemented gun control! ( cheers and applause ) (as n.r.a. guy) "you can have my milkshake, when you pry it from my cold, sticky hands!" ( laughter ) apparently, in the u.k., the act of "milk-shaking" has become a symbol of protest, with other right-wing candidates getting pelted with milkshakes during the election campaign. ( laughter )
i guess that would explain why trump's mouth is always open. ( laughter ) (as trump) "it'll happen eventually. i just need to be patient. ( piano riff ) we've got a great show for you tonight. conan o'brien sticks his head in a box, but when we return, i go on the hunt for the elusive rick perry. join us, won't you? ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ ♪
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thursday. this is it, baby! this is it. this is it. >> jon: yes! >> stephen: fantastic. jon, you know why these people are excited, this is my guess, obviously, they're happy to see you. i tell you why, they know we have a very special appearance with mr. conan o'brien coming up in a while. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: the mighty conan! >> stephen: folks, since trump's taken office, his cabinet has had historic amounts of turnover. historic amounts of turnover? also his favorite breakfast. ( piano riff ) thank you. ( laughter ) now there are rumors that "energy secretary rick perry may be planning on stepping down." ( cheers and applause ) that comes as a shock. it completely shocks me that he is secretary of energy because i forgot. i completely forgot he was in
trump's quab net. he's been in there since the begin bug you never hear boo about him. i needed to know why secretary perry has been suspiciously quiet, so i launched an investigation with my long-running series: "stephen colbert's unseen mysteries of the hidden secrets." ( laughter ) ( cheering ) yeah, people love it. people love it. >> jon: people love that! >> stephen: people love the series. >> jon: it's mazing! ( applause ) >> stephen: the biggest mystery? why no one has seen this segment since the fall of 2015. only second time we've done it. so where is rick perry? let's find out. >> so many mysteries unsolvedder but it's up to me, stephen colbert, to de-unsolve them. this is stephen colbert's unseen mysteries of the hidden secrets. ( cheering ) for the past two years, secretary of energy rick perry has mostly kept out of sight. no scandals, no protests, no
overpriced furniture. how could a man who loves the spotlight so much become as elusive as the mysterious big foot? what is he hiding? tonight's quest -- finding rick perry. first, to track this enigmatic texan, i called on the expertise of dr. stephen chu, professor of physics, nobel laureate and former secretary of energy because, to find a secretary of energy, who better than another secretary of energy? ( laughter ) i'll tell you who. this guy. matt moneymaker, host of finding big foot, leading crypto zoologist. cool last name. have you met each other before in you're both scientists. >> no, not in the field. >> stephen: you won the nobel prize in 1997. >> right. >> stephen: matt is the
founder to have the big foot research organization. >> that's right. >> stephen: is the plural big feet or big foot as attorney general. >> it's big foots. >> stephen: he knew his stuff. i had to find out if matt had what it takes to find a secretary of energy. matt, where's secretary chu? >> that checks out. >> stephen: secretary chu, as a father, i know that you're always going to hear the kids, you know, being rambunctious, screaming, yelling, laughing, whatever. eth when they go silent that you get really concerned. what worries me is perry's gone silent. what's going on up there? it's too quiet, secretary. >> that, i can't answer. >> stephen: okay. matt, you've tried to lure sasquatch's big foots for years. you've pioneered techniques -- a sound blasting. >> sound blasting. >> stephen: wood knocking.
yes. >> stephen: coordinated mimic howling. >> himming howling is you're mimicking the howls they make to respond to that. >> stephen: give me an idea ( loud, long howl ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: that howl, is that male or female male? >> that's more of a female type howl. >> stephen: really? how do you know what they sound like? >> because females are higher pitched and the males are a very big baratone. >> stephen: what would be the mating call of the secretary of energy? >> hi. how are you doing? ( laughter ) >> stephen: like this rare image of big foot, some have captured photos of the secretary in the wild, here with michaels flynn and cohen, here with bradys carol and marsha. he was also spotted with saudi
prince mohamed bin salman, seen here briefly not murdering anyone. what does this say? >> he can squat to hide behind bushes which makes it a whole different thing to look for him. >> stephen: narrows down to where there are bushes. >> that's true. >> stephen: matt, if you knew rick perry had been behind a bush, what kind of evidence would you look for? >> tracks and scats, especially if he was squatting behind the bush and there didn't seem to be any other reason for it. >> stephen: have you ever come across the sac swatch scat droppings? >> yes. >> stephen: what do they look like? >> human but much larger. >> stephen: okay. delicate subject, but do we have any idea what the scat droppings of rick perry would be? >> i hope i never find out. >> stephen: how do you identify him? what's the hint? >> well, one of the visual differences is the ratio of the arm length to leg length.
sasquatches have longer arms proportionately and shorter legs. >> stephen: evolutionarily, why would that be an advantage? doctor, do you have any idea? >> usually you're always walking on all fours partially. >> that's correct. when they're young they can ambulate on all fours easily and climb hills quickly. >> stephen: he said ambulate and you said walk. for a little while here, you got the nobel prize, for just a moment there, he was smarter than you. >> well -- >> stephen: just for a minute. because you have to admit ambulate is a smarter word than "walk." ( laughter ) gentlemen, what's your best advice on how to find this elusive mammal? ( laughter ) yet another dead end. two of the smartest men on earth and professor chu out of ideas. if only i could reach out to
rick perry directly -- >> you should try it. >> stephen: we've tried. have we ask to sit down with him? >> i think that's something we should pursue. >> stephen: we haven't tried? we haven't called? my apologies. ( laughter ) ( dialing ) ( ringing ) >> thank you for calling the office to have the secretary of energy. our offices are closed. please leave a message and someone will get back to you. ( howling ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: don't know what that means. secretary perry, you can run and you're also good at hiding. back with a special vintage,
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the show! conan o'brien is with us here, as you guys know, and we don't get to talk that often. >> right. >> stephen: so i just wondered if you ever wanted to catch up not in front of the audience in a more private and personal way. >> yeah. i mean, i would, actually. that would be a nice experience. >> stephen: great. well, join me now. ( laughter ) in "the late show"'s personal space. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) conan, this is "the late show"'s personal space, which we have made taller for the first time just for you. ( laughter ) and if i could get an apple box, that would be great. somebody could just put me on the same footing as mr. o'brien
here. thank you very much. put that right there. thank you. thank you, citizen. ( laughter ) ready to do this, conan? >> yeah. >> stephen: all right. okay. so i put my head -- >> stephen: put your head in the box. >> and you ask me questions. >> stephen: i will see you -- in the box. ( laughter ) ( cheering ) thanks for joining me in here. this is nice. >> i wouldn't miss this for the world. >> stephen: um, you have been a host for 25 years, and, in my opinion, you've done an amazing job, and i admire you, i look up to you, something of a mentor -- >> why "something" of a mentor?
( laughter ) >> stephen: because you've never actually mentored me in any way. in my mind, you're a mentor because i like for people to think yes wie know each other. what you have you learned in 25 years i haven't learned in 14 years? what's the next 11 years? what do i need to know about having the longevity you have? >> you're going to learn never humiliate a guest. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i don't know if you're seeing what i'm seeing -- this is absolutely true -- but i'm so close to you right now that you have one eye. ( laughter ) do i have one eye? >> stephen: you have one big blue eye. >> yeah. >> stephen: in the middle of your face. >> yeah. and i feel like this is a dream i've had where you're staring at
me with one eye and we're trapped in an alternate cardboard dimension. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what did you have for lunch? ( laughter ) >> garlic chicken. ( laughter ) broccoli with, i believe, garlic. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that checks out. that checks out. >> they make a garlic soda now you can have. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're famous for your hair, and i've long admired it. i don't have the loft anymore that you have. i was wondering if you would give me the honor of allowing me to brush your hair. >> i would be thrilled if you would brush my hair. i don't know how this is going to -- ( laughter )
>> how do i look now? >> stephen: i can't see that high. comedians often cry on the inside. do you want to cry on the outside? do you want to just get a good cry out? >> i can't. i don't cry. >> stephen: you can't cry? i give so much to the audience. >> stephen: have you ever tried to cry? >> i've tried to cry. >> stephen: do you want to try with me? >> okay. >> stephen: ready? what do i do? >> stephen: i don't know. think of a sad thing, maybe from your childhood. >> i don't need to go that far back. >> stephen: ready? ( laughter ) >> i think we've got something. ready? >> stephen: one, two, three --
sad. ( laughter ) ( sobbing ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: did you get any real tears? >> i got a little bit. ( laughter ) what were you thinking about? >> stephen: the fact that i can't cry. >> you know what i was thinking about? >> stephen: what? i took a redhead in new york to do this show and you put my head in a box. ( laughter ) ( applause )
>> stephen: i've heard you're 100% irish, and i'm 98.5% irish. we had my dna done just like you. would you like to join me? a chorus of danny boy? because the acoustics in this box are amazing. >> let me get the right pitch. i'm up here. ( humming ) >> stephen: that's high. i like to go high tenor ). ( humming ) ♪ oh danny boy ♪ the pipes, the pipes are calling ♪ ♪ from glen to -- >> stephen: you don't know the words to danny boy! >> i don't. i don't. i don't know those words! >> stephen: you're not irish?
no, that's probably proof i am irish. no real irish person knows that song. >> stephen:. ♪ turaluralura ♪ ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's too loud. you asked me to sing in a box and then criticized the volume. >> stephen: i didn't know how loud you were. i'm not criticizing, i'm describing. i say it with respect. you've got some lungs. >> yeah, i do. sometimes comes in handy in show businessness. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm a fan of yours? >> clearly not. >> stephen: i promise you i'm a long time fan of yours. >> first time. >> stephen: yeah, and i was wondering if i could get your -- ( laughter ) the oxygen, there's very little oxygens left in here.
>> this is a box filled with carbon -- ( laughter ) i haven't been able to think straight for about 30 seconds. i just saw my grandfather and he passed in 1976. ( laughter ) could someone call 911? >> stephen: could i get your autograph? >> of course, it would be an honor to give it to you. >> stephen: i have a pen right here. no, no. >> no? >> stephen: just use your mouth. got it? use your mouth. and sign my face. >> use your mouth? >> stephen: use your mouth and sign my face. ( laughter )
>> stephen: thank you. thank you. >> you're welcome. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: conan! week nights on tbs! conan o'brien, everybody! thank you, conan! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) i'm on the pill. i'm on the pill. i'm on the pill. i'm on the pill, too. but it's not birth control. it's truvada for prep®, a once-daily prescription medicine for adults that, when taken every day along with using safer sex practices, can help lower my chances of getting hiv through sex. i use condoms. but i talked to my doctor about doing more. he said that because i had a higher chance of getting hiv through sex, truvada for prep could be an option for me. she also told me that truvada alone may not keep me from getting hiv.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: one more, baby. ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody! welcome back! folks, my next guest is cnn's chief national security correspondent and anchor of "cnn newsroom." his new book is "the shadow war: inside russia's and china's secret operations to defeat america." please welcome jim sciutto! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: nice to have you on! >> so good to be here. >> stephen: i don't believe we've ever met. >> we have not. >> stephen: not even in the wild. >> i've admired you from afar.
>> stephen: i've admired you from afar, too. i enjoy your reporting and i am jealous of your distinguished hair. you have almost art directed you're so distinguished. >> i spend a lot of time dying this every week. a big part of my contract goes with it. >> stephen: a little bit like reed richards, the fantastic 4. >> that's actually the model i go after. >> stephen: good. now, you have the new book called the shadow war. it's a shadow war with russia and china. why shadow war? why not just shadow conflict? is it a war that we don't see? is that why it's in the shadows? >> absolutely. it's a war that we're largely not aware of with two very formidable adversaries that is threatening lives and sadly lives have been lost on some of the fronts here and has the potential to threaten more lives. they're using real weapons under the ocean, on battle fields in
europe and asia and in space which is one of the fronts. i think people in general are aware to have the couple of fronts in the war. they know russia interfered in our elections, for instance. they know china steals our private and intellectual state property, secrets. most don't know china and russia have deployed weapons to space. "star wars" is here today. they're floating above us a couple of thousand miles. >> stephen: do that they have a death star? >> no, but there are operational lasers in space. it sounds like fantasy. >> stephen: i know it's probably very dangerous but i'm very excited by the idea. >> absolutely. >> stephen: i've watched too many movies. >> i spent a lot of time visiting u.s. space command. there is a space command. there are folks that are fighting there war, they're thinking about it. rust has deployed kamikaze satellites designed to go up to our most sensitive satellites and destroy or disable them. china has deployed and tested
the kidnapper satellite. >> stephen: what's that? it has a grappling arm that's sort of moon raker style can pluck a satellite out of orbit. that matters because our military depends on satellite. smart bombs aren't smart without satellites, drones don't fly. >> stephen: i can't drive anywhere without it. >> all of us would be lost. >> stephen: could they take out our g.p.s.? >> absolutely. they could do it tomorrow. and the thing about g.p.s. is not only does it get us to where we need to go, but, for instance, financial markets depend on time stamps provided by g.p.s. satellites, so you disable them and the financial markets stop. so russia and china know that we are more advanced in space but, therefore, more dependent. so they know if they want to disable us, both our military and a host of things that we depend on every day, they take out a few of the satellites. >> stephen: are we fight back in space? >> no. >> stephen: how do we defend ourselves? when trump calls for space force
it's actually a good thing? >> i wrote a piece about this in the journal a week ago. he has a point -- >> stephen: let me write that down. ( laughter ) >> he has a point. mark this moment down on it. now, where there's a little bit of, you know, melodrama added into this is we have a space force, we have u.s. space commander, tens of thousands of space warriors at multiple bases around the country and the world that are thinking about this. they're watching. we're thinking about defending them but we haven't taken steps necessarily to defend them. >> stephen: do you read about the space plane that goes up for days at a time? >> yes. the x37b. it looks like a mini space shuttle. it's a drone because there are no pilots. joan heighten now had a space command
now head of strategic command, he talks about "star wars" coming to space. he says it's just a matter of time where you have conflict there because it's the next
frontier and, already, you have this level of war and the concern is it gets to a higher level. >> stephen: who is shadowy-er? russia or china? ( laughter ) who would be more aggressive in the shadow war? >> they're both aggressive. generally, folks will talk about russia being the greater more dangerous short-term threat and china being the more formidable long-term threat. china, bigger economy, bigger population, more capabilities, and that's the one americans think about long-term. military commanders, intelligence officials, et cetera. but russia is nor aggressive today. russia is sort of like your drunk friend at the party, right. you know they're dangerous -- >> stephen: literally your drunk friend ( laughter ) >> you know they're dangerous when they walk in the room because china is
more like the quiet one in the background but is more dangerous because they're sort of subtly evil but equally vicious. i talked to former head of
entill and he says no one is more vicious than china. they will kill you and your families. seriously, it's like the mob. >> stephen: well, thanks for all the cheery raise. rays. the book is "the shadow war." jim sciutto, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) helioplex® powered, uva, uvb strong. beach strength protection for the whole family. for the best day in the sun. neutrogena®. ooohhhh ♪ woman 1: this is my body of proof. man 1: proof of less joint pain and clearer skin.
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rylan, did you break ♪ your mother's heart every time you tried ♪ to play your part is it easy to keep so quiet ♪ everybody loves a quiet child underwater you're almost free ♪ if you wanna be alone you'll come with me ♪ rylan, you could take the quick way out ♪ you could turn blank-white in a blank-white house ♪ say that you're a pervert you're a vulture ♪ don't you wanna be popular culture ♪ is it easy to keep so quiet
everybody loves a quiet child ♪ underwater you're almost free if you wanna be alone ♪ you'll come with me is it easy to live ♪ inside yourself all the little kids are ♪ high and hazy everybody got nowhere to go ♪ everybody wants to be amazing ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ rylan, california's rotten ♪ dress light-blue to be forgotten ♪ eat your pearls on sunday morning ♪ keep your conversations boring stay with me among the strangers ♪ change your mind and nothing changes ♪ don't let show any emotion
when you climb into the ocean ♪ rylan you should try to get some sun ♪ there's a little bit of hell in everyone ♪ rylan you should try to get some sun ♪ you remind me of everyone rylan you should try ♪ to get some sun there's a little bit of ♪ hell in everyone rylan you should try ♪ to get some sun ♪ ♪
i've slain your dreaded dragon. for saving the kingdom what doth thou desire? my lord? hey good knight. where are you going? ♪ ♪ climbing up on solsbury hill ♪ grab your things, salutations. coffee that is a cup above is always worth the quest. nespresso. tis all i desire. did thou bring enough for the whole kingdom? george: nespresso, what else? >> stephen: that's it for the "late show." air corden is next. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs