tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS July 5, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
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these good boys deserve a treaty. coming this summit. >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert. tonight "he said, xi said." plus stephen welcomes: bill hader. and musical guest james bay. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whooo. hello! ♪ ♪ thanks, everybody, thank you so much. welcome, welcome one and all. ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, welcome to "the
late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. remember during the campaign in 2016, when the president said that we're going to win so much we get tired of winning? ( laughter ) wall street got there first. because today, the dow plunged 617 points. ( audience reacts ) to put that loss into perspective, we have a report from "the late show's" financial correspondent: ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> stephen: the stock market-- he will be missed. the stock market, it was reacting evidently to the breakdown of negotiations between the united states andinn ♪ tradearuh
what is it good for ♪ i am really asking say it again y'all ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, jon. ( cheers and applause ) here's what happened. after over a year of tense negotiations, last week, our delegates in beijing were banging out the details of a final trade agreement. but, the u.s. balked when china said they were no longer willing to commit to changing laws covering intellectual property, forced technology transfer, subsidies and other issues. they also objected to publication of all the details of the agreement, preferring a summary. oh! ( laughter ) really? the white house is upset because china wants to release a summary? ( laughter ) ( as trump ) "no way. no way, xi. i know how summaries work. it's gonna be four pages long and a bucket o' lies."
so talks broke down on friday, and trump imposed his tariffs. and he's warning china to cave soon. ( as trump ) "the deal will become far worse for them if it has to be negotiated in my second term. would be wise for them to act now, but love collecting big tariffs!" ( as trump rapping ) "♪ i like big tariffs and i cannot lie ♪ you other leaders can't deny when xi walks in ♪ with the itty bitty trade and the soy beans in your face ♪ you get sprung " sprung ♪ ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) the president thinks he can outlast the chinese, because he sees tariffs as free money. >> our country can take in $120 billion a year in tariffs, paid for mostly by china, by the way. not by us. a lot of people try to steer it in a different direction. it's really paid-- ultimately, it's paid for by-- largely by china.
>> stephen: notice how that claim gets weaker the longer that sentence goes on? ( laughter ) ( as trump ) "it's paid mostly by china. largely. somewhat. kinda sorta. i mean, that's what i heard. they don't pay anything. we're screwed." ( laughter ) but-- and spoiler-- trump is lying. ( laughter ) as chris wallace pointed out yesterday to white house economic advisor and last living california raisin, larry-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ooh, i bet you wonder how i knew ♪ larry kudlow. >> it's not china that pays tariffs. it's the american importers, the american companies that pay what in effect is a tax increase and oftentimes passes it on to u.s. consumers. >> fair enough. in fact, both sides will pay. both sides will pay in these things. >> it's u.s. businesses and u.s. consumers who pay, correct? >> yes, to some extent.
i don't disagree with that. again, both sides, both sides will suffer on this. >> stephen: yeah, technically one side pays the price, but both sides suffer. it is a bold marketing strategy. it reminds of the ad campaign: "taco bell: everyone will suffer." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ooh, i bet you wonder how i knew ♪ ♪ about your plans to make me blue ♪ >> stephen: wallace continued to drag kudlow kicking and screaming into reality. >> how long is president trump prepared to wage this trade war with china, which clearly has cost to the american economy and consumers and businesses? >> well, i don't know. i mean, can i substitute trade negotiation for trade war? >> stephen: no, you can't. nice try, though. i know why you want to change
it, because it makes it seem less dangerous. there's a reason why no one went to see: "avengers: infinity negotiation." ( laughter ) now, ultimately, kudlow did admit that americans will pay for the tariffs, but this morning, trump disagreed, tweeting, "their is no reason for the u.s. consumer to pay the tariffs, which take effect on china today." and there is no reason to use that "their" in that there sentence. and, again, it's not-- ( cheers and applause ) and, again, it's not true. we pay. maybe that's a good thing. maybe it is a bad thing, i don't know. i understand economics as well as donald trump does. i bet if i tried i could lose $10 billion. in retaliation, china is raising tariffs on $60 billion of u.s. goods, mostly agricultural
products starting june 1. but don't worry, farmers, trump has a plan. ( as trump ) "we will be taking in tens of billions of dollars in tariffs from china. buyers of product can make it themselves in the u.s.a.-- ideal-- or buy it from non- tariffed countries dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, we will then spend-- match or better-- the money that china may no longer be spending with our great patriot farmers-- agriculture-- which is a small percentage of total tariffs received, and distribute the food to starving people in nations around the world! great! maga!" ( laughter ) so give the money-- ( cheers and applause ) to the farmers, give the food to starving people. the only way trump can give anything to poor people is out
of spite. ( as trump ) "do you see what you made me do, china? you made me give food to starving people. come back to the negotiating table right now before i giveci. i'll do okay. i'm talking universal health care, don't push me." these tariffs could raise the price of a huge range of products, including dog collars, apparel made from reptile leather, mattress supports, and christmas tree lights. i mean, that's really going to hurt the holiday-themed sex dungeon industry. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) and thanks to trump, we were finally moaning "merry christmas" again. ( laughter ) we've got-- we've got an update on the democratic primaries for you folks.
and i'll tell you all about it in tonight's "doin' it donkey- style." >> universal basic income! >> stephen: now, it's big news out there for presidential candidate, and high school senior calling shotgun for the drive to beach week, mayor pete buttigieg. he was recently-- mayor pete is here tonight. and mayor pete was recently honored with an original trump nickname. over the weekend trump compared him to alfred e. neuman, the mascot for "mad" magazine. now, if are you too young to know the reference, magazines were these thick stacks of paper with pictures and words on them. a lot of fun. let's give trump's nickname a test drive-- this is alfred e. neuman. and this is pete buttigieg. i see the similarity in that they are both more qualified to be president than donald trump. ( cheers and applause )
and-- ( cheers and applause ) didn't realize, they all came for that joke. when confronted with the trump slam, buttigieg was ready with a sick burn of his own: >> donald trump today compared you to the "mad" magazine mascot. he said, "alfred e. neuman can never be president." what's your response? >> so, i'll be honest, i had to google that. and i guess it's a generational thing. i didn't get the reference. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: damn, booty! ( laughter ) ( as pete ) "oh, i look like a cartoon character? well, you're a million years old." by the way, i got the reference, pete. i guess it's a generational thing. ( laughter ) ( sad piano music ) but buttigieg didn't leave it there. >> i was thinking of the chinese
proverb that goes, "when the wind changes, some people build walls and some people build windmills." >> stephen: it's a nice thought, but thanks to trump's tariffs, saying that chinese proverb now costs $80. while trump's friendship with xi jinping might be on the rocks, it's also been a rough time for his good buddy, russian resident and man who puts the "death" in sudden-death overtime, vladimir putin. ( laughter ) on friday, putin took part in an annual exhibition hockey game in sochi, and he reportedly scored eight goals. yeah. no surprise, he has an incredible slap-shot, where, if you don't let him score, you are slapped and then shot. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) let's go to the highlights. putin collects the puck, and the defender suddenly remembers he has a family! the goalie switches teams in a
stunning upset! he scores! ( cheers and applause ) but after-- ( applause ) after he dominated the game, during his victory skate, putin faced his greatest opponent yet: a piece of rug! and i'm being told that rug was murdered and rolled up in a bigger rug. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) bill hader is here. but when we return, "meanwhile!" stick around. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) wireless network claims are so confusing. america's most reliable network. the nation's largest and most reliable network. the best network is even better?
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) happy, happy, happy. let's take it higher. >> stephen: glad to be back. thanks, everybody. it is frosty. it is so frosty, i can't believe it is mid may at this point. it is may 13, 2019. >> i know. >> stephen: mother's day yesterday. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: did you have a chance to say hi to your mother? >> jon: yes, i did, we had a nice long call and i sent her some flowers. it was beautiful. what did you do for mother's day? >> stephen: i was down, my wife and i and our daughter, actually, were down in nashville, i was at the ryman auditorium, the grand old opry to interview michelle obama.
it was her last stop on the book tour. it was fantastic. you know, folks, i spend so much time grilling up the perfectly marbled wagyu beef medallions that are the news and my monologue over there, that sometimes i have to hack off the gristle and mix it up with generous helpings of corn and beef pulp to make the news can of dog food that is my segment, "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) never fails. they always, always are excited, always, it is amazing. meanwhile, meanwhile mania. >> jon: people love it. >> stephen: meanwhile, great news for constance wu and her hit show "fresh off the boat." it was announced on friday that it's being renewed for a sixth season. so an overjoyed wu went straight on twitter to gush, "so upset right now that i'm literally crying. ugh. ( bleep )." and "( bleep ) hell." and under the network's announcement on instagram, she wrote "dislike."
( laughter ) well that'll be a fun first day back on set. "hey, everyone! so excited to be back! we're a family. now, which family member pooped in my dressing room?" no one knew why this upset her, and after a backlash accusing wu of ingratitude, she tweeted, "y'all are making a lot of assumptions about what i was saying. and no, it's not what it's about. stop assuming." yeah, y'all stop assuming this was about the renewal just because a fan tweeted at her "congrats on your renewal! great news!" and she tweeted back "no, it's not." ( laughter ) okay? stop taking her words in context. ( laughter ) then, wu cleared everything up, tweeting this long clarification that she was angry because the renewal meant she "had to give up another project that i was really passionate about," and "that other project would have challenged me as an artist," adding "even my closest friends are baffled at how i could value artistic/challenge/difficulties over success/happiness. but i do. i know it's weird." "in fact, even as i tweet this, my closest friends are giving me this really baffled look, and
waving their arms and doing this, because i'm such an artist." but weirdest of all was that she wrapped it all up with "it's meaningful when you make the choice to believe women." okay. "i wasn't talking about my show except that i was, because of art, hashtag me too, in conclusion black lives matter, gay rights are human rights, release the full report, what about barb?!" ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile. meanwhile, "a florida man got a d.u.i. after crashing a lawnmower into a police car." ( laughter ) yet another headline that did not need to specify what state it happened in. ( laughter ) police say-- police say "the suspect's driver's license has been suspended since 1978," his "blood-alcohol content registered .241, more than threa that he also had cocainehi system."
( laughter ) wow. when i'm bored doing yard work, i usually just listen to a podcast. ( laughter ) meanwhile, a growing number of studies indicate that the conference room air may be making you dumber. specifically the air coming from rick. ( laughter ) no one likes your idea, rick! stop pushing it. since 2012, eight studies have considered the effects of co2 accumulating from people breathing in a meeting, including one study that features a section explaining "the purpose of ventilation." ( laughter ) you know the old saying, the person conducting the laboratory study on the purpose of ventilation, dealt it. ( laughter ) meanwhile, justin bieber and ed sheeran announced they've collaborated on a new single called "i don't care." i assume it's about my response ) mr. sheeran. ( cheers and applause )
mr. sheeran, please join us again. big fan. meanwhile, in historical drug news, researchers have found ancient hallucinogens in a thousand-year-old shamanic pouch. sure they did. "i swear it's not mine, officer! i'm just holding that pouch for my friend who's an ancient shaman!" ( laughter ) the pouch was found in bolivia, and contains the earliest known evidence of ayahuasca preparation, including drugs like psilocyin, a chemical component of psychedelic mushrooms, and cocaine. which explains why the cave it was found in was covered in rambling pitch ideas for a new app. ( laughter ) "okay, it's like uber bu ho a r thatelivers -- is anyone writing this down?! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) let's go running, let's go running, you want to run? let's go running right now.
i love you." meanwhile, a woman was arrested after she repeatedly tried to enter c.i.a. headquarters and asked to speak with agent penis. ( laughter ) oh, lady, that guy at the bar was not a spy. ( laughter ) we'll be right back with bill hader. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) [radio weather report playing] [airpod case clicking open] hey siri, play me something new. ♪ music playing ♪ ♪ it was just past one when two three men from four five ♪
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an emmy-award-winning actor and "saturday night live" alum who created and stars in hbo's "barry." >> an audition, you? >> yeah. >> have an audition? >> yeah. >> what, are they reading extras now? >> no, it's so weird, sally said the same thing. >> what's the part? >> it is a guy named j.t. in a movie called "swim instructors." >> how many of these did you print? >> it's just one. it's four scenes. >> holy moley, j.t. is on every page. it's a lot of lines, barry. >> yeah, i think he's one of the leads. >> no! you say, "oh, we're just a bunch ofm inors." th's the title. 't tphen: easeelcomeill hader. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
>> what a nice audience, oh my god. >> stephen: they are a nice audience. we decided to get you a nice one. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: because i never had you on before. >> no, this is may first time on the show. >> stephen: of course i wanted you to have a nice audience. >> thanks, buddy. >> stephen: you say it before, you said it again. thanks buddy. i like the buddy. >> yeah, i'm from tulsa, oklahoma, everyone is like no way! yeah, you got out. >> stephen: we broht in a lot of people from oklahoma for you. >> you guys got out. >> stephen: "barry" gets great reviews. it is 99% on rotten tomatoes. but i tell you, you want another good review? >> what? >> stephen: i think it i it's absolutely-- >> oh, wow. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i got dragged in to the "barry" world by my 17 year
old son where he said you should really see this show. and i've only seen season two, i haven't seen season one. >> then does it make sense at all? >> stephen: it does, my son explains it as we're going along. and it is, a, it seems really true to me. because i went to acting classes. >> yeah. >> stephen: everything in the-- i don't know what the life of an assassin is like. >> right. >> stephen: but i do know what the life of an acting student is like, and every word is absolutely perfect. did you go to acting classes? >> no, i went to second city in l.a., so i did the second city improv training but i never went to real acting classes. so we had to like go to the acting class. abing an actor so i d thto are u are onevision,ummy." you know, and i'm like, yeah, but i'm not too good, you know. so... >> stephen: it just came natural. >> it just came natural, i don't know. i mean, some people have it and
some people don't. fortunately i got a lot of it. ( laughter ) like a real dirt bag. >> stephen: the situation of like the assassin, veteran assassin who becomes, goes into acting classes, how did that gestate in you? where did it-- it is an odd >> it is an odd combination, you don't automatically go i will watch that, and sometimes it takes season two before you say you have to watch this or i'm an idiot for not watching it. how did that come about? >> alec berg, who i do the show with, he and i just went and sat down and started talking about ideas. and i was like, what if we do a show about like, a hitman, you know? and he was like, i don't like, i hate hitmen, that is the guy with the skinny tie... he's like, there are more hitmen in movies and television than in real life. it is like, dog catcher. you know what i mean? it's like not a thing.
and a dog catcher walks up. no, no, no. but it was not a real thing and he goes i hate that idea. i go, "no, but it would be me." and he went, oh, that's funny. and then very quickly we got on the idea that he would be in an acting class. i have no idea how he came up with that but and then he's in an acting class, like great, and that was it. and then we went to hbo and they went, "huh, okay." and we pitched it to them and they were like, all right. we'll see. >> stephen: this is one of the few shows on hbo that isn't ending this week. >> i know, it's true. isn't that crazy? i know, they were like i hope this is okay. we just want to you know, you are going to be after "game of thrones." and i was like "what?!" oh no. and no, we got like 2.5 million viewers when the episode, when the "game of thrones" was our lead-in and i would like to think that 2.5 million people
just decided to tune in on our third episode in season two. it has nothing to do with dragons. >> stephen: you know, so eight seasons on "saturday night live." do you miss the live shows at all? >> no, no, not at all. >> stephen: you don't miss the energy? >> i got very nervous. i have bad anxiety, so i had real bad stage fright that never went away. and then lorne michaels tried to help me after season four, he went "you know, you can work here as long as you want." and that was his way of like "chill the ( bleep ) out." ( laughter ) >> stephen: so it wasn't anxiety about success. >> no, no, anxiety of just the red light comes on and i'm like, "wait, what is my line?" you have one shot at landing a thing, and it is in front much the whole nation, and you are just like oh, oh gosh, you know. so then it got into a thing where i would get so nervous and i would start breaking and-- >> stephen: did it manifest itself physically, like aches or
pains, or... >> yeah,eah, i would get very, start to-- one time i wanted to put my hand in front of my face. isn't that weird. i want to put my hand in front of the face and that is where the stefon stuff came from, that's where that came from, because i was so nervous. i was like, i remember playing julian assange once and i had a drink and i kept bringing it up like this, and the stage manager was at the camera going-- i was like-- and i'm talking into a cup and then the next chris kelly the other stage manager is like-- . >> stephen: you are also known for your impressions, al pacino, vincent price, clint eastwood. >> real current stuff, what the kids are listening to, myrna lloyd, herbert marshal, you know.
>> stephen: you do james mason. >> i do do james mason, i did it in my audition. >> stephen: i actually have a james mason. very few people have a james mason. mine is... "we do have fun, don't we though? and i will buy you a new dress and we'll have a party and no more boys." >> yeah, that's the one. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. "i'm going to shoot you, quilty." >> yeah, it's when he's painting her toe nails. >> stephen: no new boys. >> that's so funny. yeah, i did him in my audition. it was him with an expired gift certificate for a dozen donuts. >> stephen: do you mind? >> i would like to buy a dozen donuts with this gift certificate. and i would also like your biggest bottle of-- i'm sorry? i see. ( laughter ) how much are the donuts without the gift certificate?
i see. that was it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: levels. >> so many levels of sadness, no acting classes. >> stephen: you are telling me no acting classes. >> no acting classes. >> stephen: we will take a little break, but don't go away, we'll be right back with more bill hader. we're going to talk about his upcoming projects. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ new magnum ice cream. double sea salt caramel. carefully made to be broken. magnum ice cream. be magnifique.
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♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, we're back here with the lovely and talented bill hader. ( cheers and applause ) "barry" as i said is amazing. it is dramatic, it's funny, there is even some action in it. >> yeah. >> stephen: it's incredible. it proves you can do anything, you know, so i was not surprised when i found out you have so many projects. so many projects coming up, bill hader. >> i do have, i have a lot of projects, a lot of movies coming up. >> stephen: i'm especially excited because i recently learned i am in all of them with you. >> yes, yes, you are. we did a lot of movies together. >> stephen: without even remembering that we had. >> yeah. i don't remember most of the movies i make. >> stephen: yeah. and it will be interesting because we don't know these movies, i have forgotten what they are. >> yeah. >> stephen: in fact, my graphics team put together posters for
these movies. >> oh, good. >> stephen: have i gotten off the premise of this bit well yet?>> i think so. >> stephen: so the idea is these are movies that you and i are in that we don't know what they are. we condition see the poster. >> i this will jog our memory, let's check it out. >> stephen: is it still worth doing at this point. >> i feel like we're both committing to because of the classes we took. ( laughter ) >> stephen: this is "maybe coming soon." ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome. welcome to "maybe coming soon." bill, ready for the first one we are doing? >> yeah. >> stephen: "friends in small places." >> his little brother keeps getting littler. ( laughter ) >> i do remember this one. >> stephen: this th one was your idea.
>> this was a pitch i had when i was on mesculin. >> stephen: you found it in this ancient bolivian pouch, remember? >> yeah, yeah. and i took a helicopter to your house at 12:00 in the morning and i said steve, wake up, i was on the bullhorn, i want to pitch you a movie. >> stephen: and i said i'm in. no, let me hear the whole thing. and the thing was you were so far away that he looked tiny. >> i went tiny and you went, "but what if you were small?" and i went "well, i'm the brother." >> stephen: right. >> and then we twist it around. >> stephen: but technically, if you are the brother, then so am i. >> so am i. ( laughter and applause ) >> stephen: this one, this is for the halloween season. >> "cops and gobblers." >> stephen: these officers are for the birds. >> the birds, yes. was the title of a foreign movie, actually,.
>> stephen: that we had to pay them off. >> exactly. that was a nice group. >> stephen: this was, this was, you and i are both-- >> we're cops. >> stephen: cops, but we're also vegan. >> no, we are vegan. and we are trying-- we are trying to save these turkeys from, you know-- thaks giving. >> stephen: right, yeah. but they're criminals. >> but they're criminals. it sounds complicated and a hat on a hat on a hat, but it's not, actually very small, based on a short story by tolstoy. >> stephen: right. originally a goose. >> it was a goose. >> stephen: this is... >> ( laughs ) >>tephen: this is an action adventure. >> yeah. >> stephen: you beat out. >> i beat out so many people for this part. >> stephen: you beat out hanks, tom hanks was originally in "galileo's bones."
>> inside every great-- >> is a bunch of bones. and i got the part because i came up with the tag line, remember. >> stephen: right. >> and you guys went "you should play it." >> stephen: you were just stopping by. >> i just stopped by, the posters when you were shooting, tom hanks was shooting it and he goes, well, give it to hader. >> you play a tibetan monk that was my college professor. >> stephen: i taught you tibetan. >> yeah, ends in a nice little musical number. >> stephen: right. >> very sweet. >> stephen: very bollywood. >> very bollywood. >> "sully 2?" look at his face. >> stephen: this is your captain speaking. >> i have an evil twin.
>> stephen: i got top billing. >> you did get top billing, again, your idea because this is-- you think it was an inside job. >> stephen: right. >> you thought sully was a real thing. >> stephen: yeah, because when they took the engine apart they didn't find the geese in there but they found an exact replica of sully sullenberger stuck in the engine. what actually happens in this one is that his evil twin tries to take over the plane and he push them out the window and he gets sucked in there and loses an eye. >> stephen: that's all he loses! >> in the engine, that saul he reloses. >> stephen: now it is revenge, and crystal you will. >> what gives him a life force. i don't, he says " ain't i a stinker?" a lot. it is really-- ( cheers and applause )
( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't know when this will actually make it to air. so wonderful to see you, bill, "barry" season finale is this sunday on hbo. bill hader, everybody. we'll be back with a performance by james bay. ♪ ♪ by james bay. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) pad, of womene and can experience leaks. you don't have to with always my fit try the next size up and get up to 20% better coverage - day or night because better coverage means better protection always. this is something bigger.g.
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♪ it's just as hard for me to worry 'bout reachin' out ♪ the more i think about you the more i keep the ghost alive ♪ yeah, the more i think about you ♪ the more i keep the ghost alive ♪ i want you bad but it's done ♪ i'm bleeding out 'cause we can't go on ♪ i want you bad 'til i shake ♪ i want what we had but what's broken don't unbreak ♪ just when i'm ready to get over you ♪ you call me up
and then i crumble when ♪ you say you're getting over us but the more i think about you ♪ the more i keep the ghost alive ♪ yeah, the more that i'm without you ♪ the less i know if i was right i want you bad, but it's done ♪ i'm bleeding out 'cause we can't go on ♪ i want you bad, 'til i shake i want what we had ♪ but what's broken don't unbreak ♪ and i won't tell you what i want to ♪ what i want to
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." now stick around for mr. james alfredo corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from inside where