Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  July 12, 2019 11:35pm-12:36am PDT

11:35 pm
captioning sponsored by cbs >> president trump is getting the royal treatment today as he arrives in the u.k. for a state visit. >> one of his first stops will be an extravagant state dinner at buckingham palace with the queen. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( laughter ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, they'll never be royals. plus, stephen welcomes: wanda sykes.
11:36 pm
and vanessa bayer. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hello! oh, yeah! thanks, everybody! welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert, and i've got to say-- ( cheers and applause ) it's good to be back. we were on break last week. break last week. i had a marvelous time, from what i remember. and-- ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) the president is on a break ghe prhas fled the
11:37 pm
y. owing we were ckthe ai knowing we were back on the air. he's on the second leg of a four-nation tour we're calling-- ♪ why in the world is donald trump? ♪ ( laughter ) at this very moment, donald trump is in london on an official state visit, and today was full of royal mixers, including this afternoon, when "trump and the first lady had afternoon tea with prince charles and wife camilla." ( as trump ) "hey, you're the guy that tagged princess di, right? up top! up top! ( laughter ) you know, i don't like to brag about this, but i dated her for a while. okay. ( laughter ) it's true. me and moby, both dated her." ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, wow. ( piano riff ) >> stephen: "he dated queen amidala, sorry about that." ( laughter )
11:38 pm
trump also met with the queen, and greeted her with the ceremonial fist bump. ( laughter ) >> jon: come on, man! >> stephen: he got the classic royal tour, complete with a review of the famous royal guardsman. ( as trump ) "how do you get your hair that much height? ( laughter ) what do you do? i cannot imagine how much aqua net you've got up there. nobody smoke. nobody smoke around this guy." ( laughter ) then, there was a traditional exchange of gifts. queen elizabeth gave trump a first-edition copy of churchill's world war ii book. ( as trump ) "look, thank you so much, but don't tell me how it ends, alright? ( laughter ) i really like that german charlie chaplin who invented the high five. ( laughter ) really-- i forget his name-- " >> jon: what?! ( piano riff ) >> stephen: we're off to a good start! first night back after vacation. now-- ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) the queen also led trump on a
11:39 pm
tour of the royal collection, where he learned about british history. ( as trump ) "enough books, liz. ( laughter ) boring. show me the wizards. ( laughter ) i know you've got them around here someplace." >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: jared and ivanka were there. not with their dad. they were too busy haunting buckingham palace. ( laughter ) ( as telling a ghost story ) "listen, children-- yes, children-- sometimes, at night, if you listen closely, you can still hear them having no business beeeeing theeeeere. ( laughter ) whooooooo!" ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) but trump's super fun london field trip isn't over yet. this evening, he and his family attended a formal dinner with the queen. and, i've got to say, this season of "the crown" has really jumped the shark. ( laughter ) at the banquet, trump briefly
11:40 pm
stopped eating to give some remarks. >> in april 1945, newspapers featured a picture of the queen mother visiting the woman's branch of the army, watching a young woman repair a military truck engine. that young mechanic was the future queen. a great, great woman. >> stephen: ( as trump ) "great, great woman. not very smart, though. ( laughter ) she could have gotten out of the whole world war ii thing just by faking a bone spur. okay, think about it." ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) the whole trump caravan was there, including treasury secretary steve mnuchin, who walked to the royal banquet alongside duchess kate. ( as mnuchin ) "princess, if you would-- ( laughter ) if you would just kiss me,
11:41 pm
princess, i will still be a giant frog." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) but the brits denied him one big honor. unlike his predecessor, trump won't be staying overnight at buckingham palace, and instead will be staying at winfield house, the home of u.s. ambassador woody johnson. yes, woody johnson. ( laughter ) perhaps the most memorable diplomat name since 1920s ambassador, hugh g. member. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry. i'm sorry. you're a nice person. and i don't know. i'm sorry. you're so much-- jon is so much nicer than this show, but it's
11:42 pm
not personal, folks. it's just that buckingham palace is reportedly unable to host the trumps because of "ongoing renovation work that began in 2016." ( as royal aide ) "oh, mr. president, mr. president, so sorry, we'd love to have you stay here, but the chimney sweeps are... cleaning the loo and it won't be done until 2020 or, god help us, 2024." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) now-- ( cheers and applause ) trump hadn't even gotten to merry olde foggy town before the international cat fight began. because in an interview on saturday with the british tabloid "the sun," trump was asked about the duchess of sussex, meghan markle, and he said this: >> she said she'd move to canada if you got elected. turned out she moved to britain. >> well, that'd be good.
11:43 pm
there are a lot of people moving here, so what can i say? no, i didn't know that she was nasty. ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: whaaaaaat?! >> jon: whaaaaaat?! ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's not exactly etiquette to call a member of the royal family "nasty," especially right before you visit the u.k. that's like r.s.v.p.-ing to a wedding, "the bride sucks! i'll have the fish." ( laughter ) when the outrage started over there about what he said, trump immediately tweeted a sincere and heartfelt lie, "i never called meghan markle 'nasty.' made up by the fake news media, and they got caught cold! will @cnn, @nytimes and others apologize? doubt it!" ( as trump ) "and will the queen apologize for being a hatcwith i water in, which is a terrible insult that i never said? where is my apology?
11:44 pm
( laughter ) fake me! fake me." >> jon: oh, my. >> stephen: now, here's the deal though-- markle will not join other members of the royal family in meeting with the president, as she is on maternity leave with her three- week-old son, archie. oh, that's sad. i was hoping they would meet. i was really looking forward to the new reality show, "the duchess and the douche." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) douchess? last week, trump was across the other, much larger pond for a state visit to japan. the big story was that prior to his visit, the white house wanted the u.s. navy to move the warship u.s.s. "john mccain" out of sight. yes, trump would have been enraged if he saw a ship with his arch-nemesis on it. that's why the navy also asked to hide the u.s.s. "salad." ( laughter )
11:45 pm
apparently--plau i got something in. i got something in. apparently the navy placed a giant tarp over john mccain's name, and then hid it with a barge. a tarp and a barge? that seems like overkill. ( as officer ) "here he comes! tarp it, barge it, then throw it in the ocean! what do you mean it floats?!" ( laughter ) why am i in the navy if i don't know boats float? oh, for the purpose of this joke, i get it! ( laughter ) yesterday, while trump was y ader fn grahamfor day of prayer. i don't think it worked, because i prayed really hard, and he's still the president. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) now, trump-- >> jon: whoa, hey! ( piano riff )
11:46 pm
>> stephen: trump accepted this day of prayer with humility, mentioning it on his twitter feed only ten times. reminds me of jesus' words in the st. matthew passion, "who's got two thumbs and died for your sins? this guy!" ( laughter ) there was some big news while we were away last week. you guys remember robert mueller? ( light cheering and applause ) really? robert mueller held a surprise press conference on his last day at the justice department. after two years of silence, we finally got a chance to hear his voice. ( exaggerated italian pizza chef accent ) >> good-a morning, everyone. donald trump, he obstruct-a the justice. mamma mia, that's a spicy investigation! >> stephen: exactly how i >> jon: so much gravitas. te mueller wanted to make one final statement on the conclusions of his investigation. and on the question of obstruction, he was very clear
11:47 pm
about how trump didn't not do the thing he said he didn't do. >> if we had had confidence that the president clearly did not commit a crime, we would have said so. >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) but could you say something that you would say? ( laughter ) like, something? ( laughter ) is it a riddle? i'll take the chicken across the river and leave the fox with the grain. the doctor was his mother. mother russia! ( laughter ) so, mueller is gone, he's gone! and now the justice department is completely in the hands of attorney general and l.l. bean- bag, william barr. ( laughter ) ( applause ) barr has thrown the job of attorney general out the window to be trump's personal defender, and in an interview last week, he had a pretty fatalistic view of how things are going. >> when you came into this job, i mean, you had a good reputation on the right and on the left. you're now someone accused of
11:48 pm
protecting the president, enabling the president, lying to congress. >> i am at the end of my career. i've, you know-- >> does it-- i mean, it's the reputation that you've worked your whole life on, though? >> yeah, but, everyone dies. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: is he always that cheerful? hey, bill, what did you do this weekend? "what does it matter? even the beauty of the dawn we're aware of the coming dusk. the wolf of oblivion laps his eternal tongue at the door of our mortality. i saw 'john wick 3: parabellum.' it was pretty good." we've got a great show for you tonight. wanda sykes is here. but when we return, jared kushner says dumb stuff. join us! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ limu emu & doug
11:49 pm
look limu. a civilian buying a new car. let's go.'s liberty mutual can save you money by customizing your car insurance,
11:50 pm
so you only pay for what you need. oh... yeah, i've been a customer for years. huh... only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ whatever you're craving... and whenever you're craving it... doordash has the restaurants you want. delivered to your door. wherever your door happens to be. download doordash. the most restaurants across america. first order, $0 delivery fee. s before she puts them in the dishwasher. so what does the dishwasher do? (vo) cascade platinum does the work for you. prewashing and removing stuck-on foods, the first time. (mom) wow! that's clean! (vo) cascade platinum. milk, fresh cream and only sustainably farmed vanilla. it's made with fresh cream, sugar and milk. breyers the good vanilla. we proudly partner with american farmers for grade a milk and cream. mmm!
11:51 pm
♪ off! deep woods provides long lasting mosquito protection. so you can keep living life your way. off! live on. sc johnson. ♪ with advanced automotive technology, available on the nissan rogue, you'll be equipped to help protect the moments that matter most. this is tech that gives you confidence. this is nissan intelligent mobility.
11:52 pm
11:53 pm
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! right there! back better than ever! ( cheers and applause ) wow. wow, wow, wow. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! >> stephen: jon, did you have a good break? >> jon: oh, amazing, amazing. did you have a good break? >> stephen: a wonderful break. where were you? >> jon: i was in tunisia. >> stephen: oh, wow. >> jon: a night in tunisia. >> stephen: a week in tunisia. wow! >> jon: yes. >> stephen: did you go to the "star wars" set? >> jon: yes, and i got one of
11:54 pm
those, like, cloak cape. i brought it back. >> stephen: like a jawa? >> jon: yes! >> stephen: wow! >> jon: i'm going to wear it on the show. >> stephen: good. good. wow, i look forward to that. >> jon: yeah. it's just hard because i can't run in it because it's so long. >> stephen: right. right. >> jon: you have to, like, pace yourself. >> stephen: well, you can sit for most of the show, once you get started. >> jon: right. in the beginning. >> stephen: jon, i'm excited about having the lovely and talented wanda sykes is going to be out here. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: she's amazing. >> stephen: not shy about sharing her opinions. >> jon: she's amazing. >> stephen: always fun. folks, interviewing people is fun, and i do it night after night here. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: and i also enjoy watching interviews. because it's a professional thing. i like seeing somebody, did you get theman did you nail them? was it friendly, was it fun? there was a really interesting interview this weekend with presidential son-in-law and
11:55 pm
victorian ghost boy, jared kushner. ( laughter ) the kush sat down with axios' jonathan swan, who hit him with a real softball-- is donald trump a racist? >> have your ever seen him say or do anything that you would describe as racist or bigoted? >> so the answer is no, absolutely not. you can't not be a racist for 69 years, and then run for president and be a racist. >> stephen: he's right. you don't just become racist at 69 years old. but trump was 67 when he called all mexicans murderers and rapists, 43 when he campaigned for death sentences for the central park five, and a boyish his father fiso.j. sued him and policies. so no, someone who isn't racist for 69 years might not turn into a racist, but someone who's already been a racist for 69 years can really perfect it. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) just really nail the landing.
11:56 pm
( applause ) >> jon: you got it! he got it! >> stephen: swan then helpfully gave jared an example of trump being racist, and jared's brain went to its panic room. >> was birtherism racist? >> look, i wasn't really involved in that. >> i know you weren't. was it racist? >> like i said, i wasn't involved in that. >> i know you weren't. was it racist? >> look, i know who the president is and i have not seen anything in him that is racist. so, again, i was not involved in that. >> do you wish he didn't do that? >> like i said, i was not involved in that. that was a long time ago. >> stephen: wow, jared has not been taken to the woodshed like that since he was carved by geppetto. ( laughter ) ( applause ) also, what do you mean you weren't involved in that? what do you mean you weren't involved in that? it wasn't that long ago! trump was pushing birtherism in 2016. jared should remember that.
11:57 pm
it was the year he hit puberty. ( laughter ) swan also asked jared about his better half, saudi prince mohammed bin salman, seen here, still super getting away with that murder he did. >> how many conversations have you had with mohammed bin salman about the murder of jamal khashoggi? >> yeah, again, the discussions i have, with whether it's, you know, individual palestinians or with world leaders or with other people, i keep those discussions to myself. >> stephen: ( as kushner ) "i keep those discussions to myself because have you seen what he does to people who cross him? my doctor says i'm allergic to bone saw." ( laughter ) so jared didn't have a ton of answers, but when he was asked what trump's legacy would be, he was ready. >> what do you think donald trump will be known for in 50 or 100 years' time? >> i think the first thing is, is, is changing the type of people who are in washington. what this president did is he represented an outsider who came in, brought in a ton of people who never would've been in washington before, who were not
11:58 pm
"qualified" by conventional standards. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: fun fact, "not qualified by conventional standards" is actually the first line of jared's resume. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh! >> stephen: i'm joking, of course. he doesn't have a resume. we'll be right back with wanda sykes. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) that i won the "best of" i casweepstakes it. and i get to be in this geico commercial? let's do the eyebrows first, just tease it a little. slather it all over, don't hold back. well, the squirrels followed me all the way out to california! and there's a very strange badger staring at me... no, i can't believe how easy it was to save hundreds of dollars on my car insurance with geico. uh-huh, where's the camel? "mr. big shot's" got his own trailer. ♪ wheeeeeee! believe it! geico could save you 15% or more on car insurance.
11:59 pm
not ecan match the power of energizer.tery because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. backed by science. matched by no one. ♪ how do you like it, ♪ how do you like it ♪ ♪ more, more, more ♪ how do you like it, how do you like it ♪ all you can eat is back. how do you like that? applebee's. now that's eatin' good in the neighborhood. for people 50 and older colat average risk.ing honey have you seen my glasses? i've always had a knack for finding things... colon cancer, to be exact. and i find it noninvasively... no need for time off or special prep. it all starts here... you collect your sample, and cologuard uses the dna in your stool to find 92% of colon cancers. you can always count on me to know where to look. oh, i found them! i can do this test now! ask your doctor if cologuard is right for you. covered by medicare and most major insurers.
12:00 am
sun care is self care. i used to not love wearing an spf just because i felt like it was so oily and greasy and that it was going to clog my pores. but what i love about olay regenerist whip with spf 25 is that it's lightweight, it's barely there. and then i can put makeup on over it if i want or if i'm not working, you know, just roll. it's perfect for me. i'm busy philipps, and i'm fearless to face anything. she's staying in a rainforest tree house? that's my dream. you dream big for a man on a plane to omaha. and she's zip lining with little jon? what! it's lil jon. even he knows that. thanks, captain obvious. you're with big jon. i'm steve. don't hate-like their trip, bors wte.c and get rewarded basically everywhere. hotels.com. be there. do that.
12:01 am
get rewarded.
12:02 am
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! folks-- ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an emmy award- winning comedian you know from everything, from her standup specials to "curb your enthusiasm" to "black-ish."
12:03 am
please welcome wanda sykes! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ i feel like bustin' loose i feel like bustin' loose ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> yeah! yeah! thank you! >> stephen: they're very good. >> gave me a little chuck brown. i love that! thank you! >> stephen: how are you? >> great. how are you? >> stephen: great. my first night back after a lovely vacation. >> did you go anywhere fun?phi h carolina, where i'm from. >> i just did a show down there. >> stephen: oh really? >> yeah, nice people. >> stephen: yeah, i married a girl from there, so we don't have to debate on where we go. >> pretty much. >> stephen: you don't need to get into a fight with your loved one on where you're supposed to go when you get time off. what do you do to unwind.
12:04 am
how do you get away? how do you let it all go? >> it's like in your situation, i married a woman from france, so we go to france. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's hard to pop over there for a weekend, though. >> we don't do the weekend there. that's a lot of miles. during the summer, we go over there. and i really love going over there because that's where i can unwind. no one knows me so i can just sit and people-watch. i love doing that. i can't people watch here. >> stephen: do you go to paris or some other town? >> we bounce around. we bounce around. we start in paris. the thing is, now, when i'm over ju drop theiguettes "what oin what is the problem? explain to me? snafu, right?" i'm, like, yeah, it's crazy. it's crazy, it's crazy.
12:05 am
everybody's worried, the whole world is worried about what we're doing here. >> stephen: did it take you a while to learn how to speak with a french accent? >> ( french accent ) "oh, no, you just, eh, you know, eh, how do you say-- " they do that a lot. >> stephen: how do you, when they say "what is happening," how do you explain america to france now? >> how do i explain? i tell them, i say, man, i don't know what happened, it's just crazy. i said, we elected a black man, and then everything just went to crap. i don't know what happened. ( laughter ) everybody lost their damn minds. what's happening? we can't let this happen again! and they're just trying to roll back the clock now. i don't know. it's craziness. >> stephen: well, you have a new netflix special, i love the name, it's called "not normal." explain what that means to you. what is not normal? >> well, it's not normal what's going on in the countr >> stephen: i agree. we're on the same page here. >> yeah, i've seen your work. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
12:06 am
( piano riff ) thank you. >> stephen: thank you. i appreciate what you're doing. but, yeah, it's like we're running around with pots and pans and banging them, like, hey! this is crazy, guys! what is happening? this is not normal! i mean, it's not normal that i know that i'm smarter than the president. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: this is true. this is true. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) yeah, yeah. you should definitely feel like he knows more than i do, i'm sure it's going to be fine. >> right. but i don't. ( laughter ) yeah. and when you're watching him, like, over in london, you're on edge watching him talk to peopl, your drunk uncle to your boss' party, you know? and the whole time-- yeah, you're, like, what is-- oh, let me go get earl!
12:07 am
( laughter ) ( applause ) you can't relax. you can't enjoy yourself because you know he's saying something stupid. you know that! >> stephen: i was surprised that the white house asked them to move the u.s.s. "john mccain." that's one of the craziest things i've ever heard. that's so petty. >> not just petty, it's-- he's making the military behave irrationally. someone said, oh, yeah, this is going to piss the president off, we should cover that up. it's a naval ship! it's protecting us. that is part of our military. you are always supposed to be proud of that. and the men and the women serving on that ship, that's so disrespectful to them, we've got to cover up this name because-- ( cheers and applause ) --the ship that you're willing to give your life for, you know,
12:08 am
and named after a war vet, you know, and his father, and you want to cover that up because it upsets the president. so, what, now we have to rename all our ships the u.s.s. pizza hut? ( laughter ) yeah, the u.s.s. mcdonald's. yeah, the u.s.s. mar-a-lago. what the hell? ( laughter ) >> stephen: now i did not know this, i can't believe i did not know this, you, i found out, worked for the n.s.a. >> i did, yes. >> stephen: that was, once upon a time, the most secretive government organization there was. >> right. >> stephen: okay. what did you do? can you tell me? >> actually, i, like, boxed stuff. i was a contracting specialist. so i bought anything from radar equipment to surveillance equipment to, you know, furniture. >> stephen: did you ever buy office supplies? >> yes. >> stephen: can i ask you something? >> yes. >> stephen: and this is a true story, i was sent this by the n.s.a., it actually has the n.s.a. seal on it right there,
12:09 am
this was right after the correspondents dinner in 2016, the n.s.a. sent me this, and it lights up like that, it lights up, and you can put a pen on it and spin it like that. >> right. >> stephen: now, what are the odds there is a recording device in this? ( laughter ) because it's been on my desk for 13 years. ( cheers and applause ) come on, shoot me straight. >> uh-- ( laughter ) of course they're listening to you. come on! what's wrong with you? of course they're listening, yeah! >> stephen: if you're between the ages of 18 and 49, just watch the show. ( laughter ) >> right. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) >> stephen: did you get to know secret stuff there? >> yeah, i had a top secret security clearance. >> stephen: was it called top secret? >> yeah, top secret, yeah. >> stephen: what did you have to do for that? >> you go through a lot. you give them all your tax returns and you give them all
12:10 am
yourinancial data. pplaus) >> stephen: wow! >> they go and make sure there's no police record, everything, you have to take a lie detector test, everything. >> stephen: wow. >> you can't be in debt. you can't be in debt, you know. like, after i had my clearance, right, so i'm working there. and i bought, like, some stereo equipment, you know, and i kept one of those crazy circuit city cards where the interest rate is, like, a thousand percent and it was a hard time paying it off. and they called me in and it was, like, you have debt going on, you've got to get rid of this or send it through the credit union because you could easily be compromised. >> stephen: somebody could say, i'll help you pay off your debt if you tell me where you put stephen colbert's recording device. >> there you go. yeah, so it's a big deal. >> stephen: now here's something that you might have some insight on. the "new york times" recently did a piece about pilots spotting u.f.o.s.
12:11 am
do you, as somebody who worked in intelligence, do you believe them? >> i do. and this is not based on working for n.s.a., but i believe there's other life out there, and i believe they're the same as the french, they're coming over here because they want to know what the hell is going on! ( cheers and applause ) they're, like, what is this? what's happening? ( piano riff ) >> stephen: please hold that thought. we have to take a little break. we'll be right back with more wanda sykes, everybody. don't go anywhere. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ sick and tired of running circles ♪ for miles and miles. ♪ being lost ain't never really been my style. ♪ but i told ya...
12:12 am
yo, jer! we gotta get to the show. ♪ ia. get on the bus. ♪ i need something to believe in. ♪ throw my hands up to the ceiling. ♪ oh sky won't you give me a sign. ♪ tell me will the world one day ever be mine? jeep wrangler. freedom to do it all. ♪
12:13 am
♪ new magnum ice cream. double sea salt caramel. carefully made to be broken. magnum ice cream. be magnifique. - i like to plan my activities before i take trip, with tripadvisor, it's easy to discover over 100,000 bookable things to do, from walking tours in rome to wine tastings in tuscany, and if you like what you see, you can book it with ease. just another way tripadvisor helps you make your trip a masterpiece. ♪ hoo - read reviews, check hotel prices, book things to do. tripadvisor. delivered to your door try tso you can do more.very. ♪ feels so good ♪ feels so good
12:14 am
♪ feels so good target run and done. hey, who are you? oh, hey jeff, i'm a car thief... what?! i'm here to steal your car because, well, that's my job. what? what?? what?! (laughing) what?? what?! what?! [crash] what?! haha, it happens. and if you've got cut-rate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. so get allstate... and be better protected from mayhem... like me. ♪
12:15 am
at comcast, we didn't build the nation's largest gig-speed network just to make businesses run faster. we built it to help them go beyond. because beyond risk... welcome to the neighborhood, guys. there is reward. ♪ ♪ beyond work and life... who else could he be? there is the moment. beyond technology... there is human ingenuity. ♪ ♪ every day, comcast business is helping businesses
12:16 am
go beyond the expected, to do the extraordinary. take your business beyond. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! we're here with wanda sykes. wanda, let me ask you this question, you make jokes-- you make jokes about your family. >> yes. >> stephen: okay. and that can be dicey. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: how do you know they're going to be okay with the jokes? because i never talk about my family because they will be like, dad, what are you doing? how do you get away with it, is what i want to know. >> well, they like nice things. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, and you're paying the bills? >> momma's got to make a living. ( laughter ) but, no, i try not to do jokes where, when my kids get of age, they will see it and-- >> stephen: how old are they, now? >> they're ten. >> stephen: they might be watching now, right? >> well, they're asleep now. they don't watch my standup, you
12:17 am
know, of course not. but my wife, she's into it. she's, like, so how did my jokes go tonight? you know, she loves it when i talk about her. ( laughter ) >> stephen: how-- >> and sometimes i go too far and i say stuff and she doesn't like it, and maybe i have to buy a piece of jewelry. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's smart. that's smart. well, as you were saying before and as you were telling us with your flawless french accent that your wife is french-- your wife, alex, is french. >> oui, oui. >> stephen: two kids, ten. are they being raised french or american? how american are they versus how french are they? >> i would say they are probably 70% french, 30% american. >> stephen: how does that manifest itself? >> well, they are fluent in french, right. but their culture, everything, is very french. my daughter, like, it's always about a baguette and, you know,
12:18 am
there's cheese just about every day on a meal, you know, lunch and dinner there's a cheese course, so it's cheese. and either they made that up and they're just trying to kill me, give me a heart attack. i don't know. i don't know. but, yeah, it's very french, the things that they like to do. a lot of outdoorsy stuff, too. >> stephen: really? >> a lot of outdoorsy. >> stephen: i don't think of the french as being outdoorsy. >> oh, yeah, they're outdoorsy people. they're always outside. i don't even think the homes we see, they're not real homes. >> stephen: they do walk a lot in europe. >> yeah. >> stephen: do your kids think you're funny? >> my kids, they do, but they think, like, youtube stars are lies?g so you can't count, you >> telling jokes? >> stephen: do you remember your first joke? >> oh, i remember, okay, i was, like, probably in maybe the
12:19 am
sixth or seventh grade, i guess, sixth grade, and it was a block party in our neighborhood, and ors across the street, one of the guys, he's probably dead now, he fell and he, you know, busted his head open. and he was retired military, so we had to take him over to the base, and there was only one other neighbor who was, like, sober, everybody was hammered. and they were, like, send wanda with her. >> stephen: how old were you? >> 11? >> sixth grade, yeah, 11 or 12. so we go to the military hospital and get mr. keach all settled in, and everything. and they asked, is there anything we should know about him? and i said, i wouldn't put him near an open flame. and everybody fell out laughing. ( laughter ) >> stephen: and a career was born! wanda, thank you so much for being here, good to see you! >> good to see you. >> stephen: her new netflix special is called "not normal." wanda sykes, everybody! we'll be right back with vanessa
12:20 am
bayer. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) hi, i'm dave. i supply 100% farm-fresh milk for lactaid. it's real milk, just without the lactose, so you can enjoy it even if you're sensitive. delicious. now, i've heard people say lactaid isn't real milk. ok, well, if it isn't real then, i guess those things over there can't actually be cows. must be some kind of really big dogs, then. sit! bad dog.
12:21 am
struggling to clean tough messes with wipes? try new mr. clean magic eraser sheets. just wet, squeeze and erase icky messes in microwaves and on stovetops for an amazing clean, get the power of mr. clean magic eraser in new disposable sheets. who used expedia to book the vacation rental that led to the ride ♪ which took them to the place can lift you right up. ♪ flights, hotels, cars, activities, vacation rentals. expedia. everything you need to go. wherever you are... whatever you're craving... doordash has the most restaurants across america.
12:22 am
delivered to your door. wherever your door happens to be. download doordash. first order, $0 delivery fee. delicious, delivered.
12:23 am
( band playing ) hey, you wanna shoot me one?
12:24 am
steady the elbow. ♪ oooh. amateur. someone show him how it's done. ♪ ♪ ahh boom shaka laka. feisty. ♪ ahh dangerously cheesy. ♪ with advanced automotive technology, available on the nissan rogue, you'll be equipped to help protect the moments that matter most. this is tech that gives you confidence. this is nissan intelligent mobili crabfest is back at red lobster
12:25 am
with 9 crale from the new ultimate crabfest trio with three kinds of wild-caught crab to the return of crab lover's dream! grab your crab crew, hurry in or order it to go! milk, fresh cream and only sustainably farmed vanilla. it's made with fresh cream, sugar and milk. breyers the good vanilla. we proudly partner with american farmers for grade a milk and cream. mmm! -keith used to be great to road-trip with. but since he bought his house... are you going 45? -uh, yes. 55 is a suggestion. -...it's kind of like driving with his dad. -what a sign, huh? terry, can you take a selfie of me? -take a selfie of you? -yeah. can you make it look like i'm holding it? -he did show us how to bundle home and auto at progressive.com -oh, a plaque. "he later navigated northward, leaving... progressive can't protect you from becoming your parents. but we can protect your home and auto when you bundle with us.
12:26 am
12:27 am
( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! ( cheers and applause ) folks, you know my next guest tonight from "saturday night live," "trainwreck," and "ibiza." please welcome vanessa bayer! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> thank you so much for having me! >> stephen: did i pronounce cor? "ibiza." >> you didyodid. >> stephen: not ibit when i say it that way, people are like, what's wrong with you. i've been good, yeah. i've been watching your show a lot. i saw anne hathaway.
12:28 am
>> stephen: i had such a fun time with her. >> and she was talking about how she loves "drag race" and you surprised her with rupaul. >> stephen: that was a great moment. >> that was so cool. i've started watching "drag race" and i-- ( laughter ) or-- but i also love "real housewives." >> stephen: it's a good show, it's a good show. ( laughter ) >> and "90-day fianceé." >> stephen: i never met any of those, yeah, yeah. still good to have you here, though. >> oh, yes. >> stephen: you have a very personal project. >> yes! >> stephen: it's called "how do you care for a very sick bear?" >> yes. >> stephen: and what's it about? >> it's a children's book i wrote when i was 15. i was diagnosed with leukemia.
12:29 am
and something i experienced during that time was my friends really rallied around me so much, and, so, i wanted to write this book about if you have a friend who's sick, you know, what you can do to sort of help them, and it's really to be there for them. >> stephen: oh, that's lovely. ( applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: now, you seem like a very positive person. >> thank you. >> stephen: and is, and did that pre-date your diagnosis? or was that a result of what you went through as a teenager, do you think? >> i think i was always sort of a positive person, and i think that helped a lot when i was sick, but i also think that, when i was sick, it really in some ways made me funnier, because i was always joking around with my family and friends about, you know, cancer. which doesn't seem that funny, but when you-- >> stephen: it has the funny "c" sound. ( laughter ) >> exactly. you got it.
12:30 am
i'm going to start using that. ( laughter ) but i did think, like-- and i also just experienced this thing like laughing during hard times helps, it's so healing and it makes everyone feel at ease, and it's just such a wonderful thing. >> stephen: sure. >> so it's kind of why i ended up going into comedy is because of that experience. >> stephen: well, you also work with make-a-wish, don't you? >> yeah. >> stephen: were you a make-a- wish kid? >> i was a make-a-wish kid, yeah. >> stephen: if you don't mind me asking, what was your -- >> what my wish was? >> stephen: yeah. >> so i ended up going to hawaii with my family, which was really wonderful, but, initially, i wanted to meet jared leto, as my wish. >> stephen: what year are we talking here? >> in the '90s kind of thing, late '90s. >> stephen: what was he doing? >> well, i loved "my so-called life," it's still one of my favorite shows. >> stephen: yeah. >> and it was one of my favorite shows, and i was just so in love with him.
12:31 am
so i was, like, i'm going to meet jared leto, and that's going to be my wish. then i changed my mind and told my parents i would rather meet jared leto when we were peers. very confident teen, so confident. >> stephen: so you're 16 and 100%, like, we're going to work together. >> i said i would actually rather meet him when we're peers. >> stephen: otherwise, it would be weird. >> so anyways, so then we cut to-- >> stephen: is that what that is? i have this back here. >> yes, that's what that is. i was presenting at the mtv vmas, and who do i meet there who was also presenting? jared leto. ( cheers and applause ) so i met him. ( cheers and applause ) we met as peers. >> stephen: and he posted this. >> yes! jared leto posted a photo. it's not even a big deal, you guys, but he-- ( laughter ) posted a photo of us.
12:32 am
>> stephen: did you tell him? >> yes, we told him that story. he was so nice about it. it was really amazing. my blind confidence as a teen really paid off. >> stephen: good for you. there's a lesson in there. >> thank you. >> stephen: now the book, as you said before, is about supporting friends. how did your community support you when you were in high school? >> yeah, well, i mean, everybody in my grade was so supportive. i mean, a lot of my friends from that time are still my closest friends to this day. but truly, everyone in my school was so nice to the point, i would be, like, so and so is such a nice guy. and they would be, like, he's a huge dickhead and a bully. he's just nice to you. >> stephen: but he was nice to you. >> everyone was so supportive and wanted to be there for me, even if they were dickheads. >> stephen: how long were you in treatment? it had to be horrible. >> yeah, it was a difficult time. i had treatment for a total of about two and a half years. the first year was more intense than the rest. >> stephen: were you in high school?
12:33 am
>> i finished the summer before my senior year of high school. i had an end-of-chemo party. which was very cool. and actually the police came because they thought my brother's band was playing too loud. they thought it was an underage drinking party, and they came in and they busted my end of chemo party. ( laughter ) it was, like, who are you monsters? how dare you? >> stephen: your brother had a band? >> yeah. >> stephen: what kind of band? >> kind of a punk band, and they were playing in our backyard. so it was a noise disturbance. >> stephen: were you part of the band? did he let you play with him? >> he let me open for his band. when i was living in chicago, his band would come to chicago, and they would be like these hardcore punk bands. >> stephen: did he play exit? >> yeah, all those kinds of places. and there would be all the punk kids in the audience and i would open for them and make jokes about how none of them had jobs and stuff. ( laughter )
12:34 am
and they're, like, why is she on stage at this show? this makes no sense. >> stephen: well, so lovely to see you again. the book is "how do you care for a very sick bear?" it's in stores tomorrow. vanessa bayer, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) honey, this iously keepingrnup with the.
12:35 am
keeping up with the ford's. keeping up with the garcia's. the romeros. patels. the wahh-the-wahh wolanske's. right. no one is going to have internet like this. xfinity makes keeping up with the joneses simple. easy. awesome. want gig-speed internet? we've got you covered. or check out our other amazing speed options. get started now for as low as $29.99 a month for 12 months. click, call or visit a store today.
12:36 am
>> stephen: now stick around for james corden. good night!
12:37 am
>> stephen: just playing through. don't mind me. this is one weird-looking sand trap. right through the windmill. got another golf club right here in case you were wondering. ( laughter ) tennis racket. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the left lane

93 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on