tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS July 17, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
4:30. brian will be watching. >> i am setting my alarm already. i will actually google it. >> stay up all captioning sponsored by cbs before the draw cnn presents the draw draw, where we draw to see how we draw for the draw. will it be wolf blitzer slathered in honey and rolled in candidate photographs. whoever sticks to his chest is on the first night, on his abs the second, the order they hamp is the order they are drawn. john king strapped to the wheel of chaos. or david guegin slipping flipping a coin, it is all happening on cnn this wednesday on the draw draw, right after ter) draw draw loved.
stephen colbert! stephen welcomes sophia vergara, david cross and musical guest tove lo, featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! (cheers and applause). >> stephen: whooo! (applause). >> stephen: lovely. please, have a seat, everybody. thank you very much. very kind. welcome one and all to the late show. i'm your host stephen colbert. the big story-- (applause) the big story as we all know is
that people are still talking about was trump's tweet about four freshman congress women racist? well, i say if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it probably just told the geese to go back to canada. (laughter) so last night the house of representatives passed a resolution condemning trump for his racist comments. that's right, mr. president. a formal condemn nation! you watch your step, mister. or next they will hit you with a not arized complaint and aeb (laughter) now all the democrats voted for the condemnation, along with four republicans representative fred upton of michigan, susan w brooks of indiana, ryan fitzpatrick of pennsylvania and will hurd of texas.
plawtion (applause) or-- . >> stephen: yeah, or as they will soorch soon be known, freaky fred, susan, bityhy brian and i'm going to guess the black guy is frederick douglas? i don't know. >> jon: my goodness. missed on that one. >> stephen: fun fact, or fact, i don't know how fun it is, fun fact. this is the first time that a sitting president has been sen sured by either-- sen seured by either houts cough since 191 when they sen sured alan taft for eating a congressional page. yeah, but show trump show saw the vote as a victory tweeting so great to see how unified the republican party was on today's vote concerning statements i made about four democrat congress women.
the republican vote was 187-4. wow. (laughter) so great, yes, we lost. but i covered the spread. now these four congress women are known in washington as the squad. (applause) and trump went after the squad directly tweeting they are now the top most dot dot dot dot dot dot dot advisable -- visible members of the house democrats who are now wedded to this bitterness and hate. >> stephen: wedded a hate. you know it is serious when trump starts quoting his marriage vows. (laughter) (applause).
>> stephen: it is a delicate dance for the republicans to de fend obvious racism but they make it look z easy. and, and stupid. take, take pennsylvania representative and man whose eyebrows don't match the drapes, mike kelly, kelly said of democrats they talk about people of color, i'm a person of color, i'm white. (laughter) yeah, yeah. i'm also a minority because there are very few people dumb enough to say what i just said. mr., put them up. he stupided on. i'm an anglo saxon with a name like mike kelly, you can't be from any place else but ireland.
holy stupid. irish people are many things, kelly. one thing they are definitely not is anglo saxons. you know how i know this? if my family were anglo saxons the anglo saxons wouldn't have driven my family off their land to go west of the river shannon to farm rocks. you are officially kicked out of being irish. please, turn in your erin go bragh button, your notre dame pennant and your box of lucky charms. oh yes. (applause) yes. >> jon: that stereotypes. >> stephen: stereotypes are true, jon, all we eat is lucky charms. we make a spoon out of potatoe and eat our lucky charms. >> jon: i believe it. >> stephen: and from one american of irish an sesesry to another-- ancestry to another, mr. kelly, we are not people of color. under this makeup my skin tone
is uncooked calamari. okay. i am translucent. you shine a flash light on me and a rainbow comes out the other side. but perhaps the dulles knife in the republican drawer is presidential son and man who has got big gums and he cannot lie, eric trump. here is what eric told the fox & friends today. >> my father is in there fighting every day, he has to fight against the media. he has to fight against these lunatics and guysk i'm telling you. 95% of this country is behind him in this message. >> stephen: yeah, 95, i'm telling ya. (laughter)
95% is behind my dad, okay. okay, you better check my math, okay, he lost the popular vote, okay. >> jon: uh-huh. >> stephen: lowest approval rating of all times and it it is the bunny, hi, mr. bunny, dad, can i keep him, wait, come back. come back, mr. bunny. come back. come ban. i love you! i love you! i love you. (laughter) they always leave. scene. (cheers and applause) there's one big story we haven't talked about since coming back from our break and it is about millionare finance year and-- finance ear and guy with a walk-in closet just for his
skeletons, jeffrey epstein, epstein was recently arrested and accused of sex trafficking of minors. it is a disturbing story and there is a mountain of evidence that this guy is guilty. dozens of women have come forward, porn graphic images were found in his home and we learned to cover his track, he shipped himself a large paper shredder and a carpet and tile extractor. yeah, he bought them at bed, bath and obviously guilty. epstein, this is a bit of strange detail here. epstein even owns a mysterious private island which he nicknamed little st. jeff's. which locals refer to as pedophile island and orgy island. huh, that might be a clue. excuse me sir, we're vecting a murder in the neighborhood, if you seen any suspicious activity. >> i haven't, might want to check with the guy who lives over at the stabby shack. epstein de fended himself in 2011 saying i am not a sexual
predator. i'm an offender. it is the difference between a murderer and a person who steals a bagel. those are not the same thing. here is how i know. no one has ever come to my door to say hello, i just moved to the neighborhood and i'm required by the court to inform you that i once stole a cinnamon raisin bagel with a schmear. epstein has been doing it for decades, in 1970 he taught at the elite of private school dalton where he is known for violating norms with his encountedders with girls and wandering the halls in a fur coat, gold chains an open shirt that exposed his chest. what did he teach? (laughter) intro to pitching? -- pimpg, after he stopped teaching he became a hedge fund manager who rubbed elbows with famous people like bill clinton, waddy allen and crown prince mohammed bin salman as well as superstar attorney alan derrishowitz who admits to
getting a massage at epstein's mansion but he says it wasn't from an underaged girl but an old, old russian. and brace yourselves for this detail. >> i kept my underwear on during the massage. >> stephen: now-- (laughter) some have doubtedded the truth of dershowitz's story but in a late show exclusive we have tracked down the woman who massages alan dershowitz, come on out, shirley. shirley, everybody. (applause) thank you very much. please, right down there. nothing to be afraid of. we're all your friends. shirley, thank you for being here. and i'm only asking to verify his story. how old are you. >> i'm 27. >> stephen: you're 27 years
old. why do you look so old? >> i saw allen dershowitz in his underwear. >> stephen: shirley, everybody. alan dershowitz's masseuse, thank you very much, shirley. jon, how about a little travel music. (applause) heartbreaking. of course those weren't epstein's only buddies. into, circle of rich and creepy men is complete without donald trump. that's right. epstein, clinton, dershowitz, trump, we have achieved full mount touch-more. (laughter) (applause). >> stephen: worth it, there you go. trump was a fan of epstein's work back in 2002. he called epstein a terrific guy and said he's a lot of fun to be with. st even said that he likes
beautiful women as much as i do. and many of them are on the younger side. many of them on the younger side, that's not a fun quirk about your friend. that is a red flag. my pal jeff balm certificate a lot of fun-- dahmer is fun to be with, it is even said he loves people as much as i do. many of them on the medium rare side. >> stephen: but now-- (laughter) alan dershowitz. (applause) alan dershowitz, i ate one person but very, very old and grisley. but now that epstein is in trouble trump has changed his tune. just last week he had this to say about his old buddy. >> i wasn't a big fan of jeffrey epstein. i didn't want anything to do with him t shows you one thing, that i have good taste, okay.
i was not a fan of jeffrey epstein. >> stephen: i'm not a fan, i prefer sexual predators who weren't captured. this morning-- (applause) quality. this morning nbc dug up some archival footage of trump not being a fan of epstein back in 1992. coffee joe morning's mika tells the tale. >> a tape in the nbc archives of ahmara lago party shows trump giving epstein his personal attention. the footage shot in november of 1992, before trump opened the resort of the club, shows the future president surrounded by cheerleaders for the buffalo bills and miami dolphins, capturing trump's furn-loving bachelor lifestyle. (laughter)
(applause). >> stephen: i'm sorry, that clip should come with a warning. contains graphic imagery of donald trump dancing. okay, i'm ready now, i'm ready. can we see that arrhythmic juddering again, yeah, feel the beat, hmmmm, yeah, hmmmm, yeah. feel the beat, then just ignore it and kind of snap and drag your feet back and forth. hey, ladies. hmmmm, hmmmm, hmmmm. (applause). >> stephen: after that trump huge out with his very special party guests. >> later in the footage trump is
seen talking to epstein and another man, as women are dancing in front of them. trump alternates between dancing and pointing out women to epstein and the other man and telling epstein about the cameras. then trump says something else into epstein's ear that makes him double over with laughter. >> stephen: i'm pretty sure he said i'm going to be president one day. we have got a great show for you tonight. sophia vergara is here. but when we return, which democrat has got the dollah dollah bills, y'all. stick around. >> the late show with stephen colbert, sponsored by hyundai. this is mia.
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(applause). >> stephen: hey friend, jon batiste and say human, everybody. (cheers and applause) i'm sorry, jon, i'm sorry, jon, however awkwardly ksh-- however awkwardly you try to dance compared to donald trump, you are baryshnicov. sophia vergara is here, right over there talking us to and our friend david cross will be here today. but before we do that, i am over here because we had too much monologue. please have a seat, everybody. it is more monologue time, it is craze sweeping the nation. >> jon: its a's happening. >> stephen: we are being to get to this, big updates from the 2020 election race, i will tell you all about them in tonight's doing it donkey style.
the democratic candidates have been hitting the fundraising trail and we have some surprising results, the number one money make ther last quarter was pete buttigieg who raked in a whopping $24.9 million. that is a lot of booti gieg beuti-bread right there, is he even raking in cash in the big apple where he raised more money from flork city residents that than new york mayor bill de blasio. now i will admit that sounds bad, that does not sound gook, that sounds bad, if you consider the full headline says pete buttigieg raised more money from new york residents then bill de class-- de blasio got nationwide, ouch, you may not get the jb you are applying por but the good news is there might soon be an opening in south bend, indiana, because the dairy
queen is hiring for the summer it is seasonal work but you get free samples. we also found out which celebrities gave to which campaigns, we learn actress gwyneth paltrow hosted a fundraiser for buttigieg at her home. she personally donated $2800 which is enough to go on goop and buy half an ounce of sell you lar repair crystals. pete wasn't alone in nabbing big celebrity donors, elizabeth warren saw donations from bette midler, ryan reynolds and shonda rhymes, shonda rhymes, that is-- reims, that is bold for a candidate that associates themselves with scandal. maybe, perhaps the mostsing newe buscemi gave bill de blasio's presidential campaign $5600. steve? are you okay? i just pray you are researching
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(applause). >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. folks. folks. that's right, give it up for the band right over there, one more time, one more time for the band right over there. you know my first guest is gloria on modern family. she now stars in the new film "bottom of the ninth."plseelcome show sophia vergara.
(applause) (applause) nice so to see you again, so lovely to have you back. >> thank you so much for having me, i am so happy to be here. >> stephen: i want to thank you for two things. >> what. >> stephen: the last time that you were here, no it is all good. the last time you were here you have your own ind mat apparel line. >> yes, ebbi. >> stephen: what does it stand for. >> empowered by you. >> stephen: and so it is like. >> a line of underwear that you get on, how do you say, on the mail. >> stephen: all the best package.r comes through the >> so and i want to empower women all over the world because we give 10 percent of the
profit. >> stephen: the people who make it, which is fantastic. >> no, not that people that are making it, we are paying them but we are also helping-- yeah, we are. but we where empowering them. we are also, we have a foundation that we empower women to create their own businesses. >> stephen: that is wonderful. >> i brought you, i brought you. >> stephen: i didn't realize. >> i brought some. >> stephen: is this it. >> yeah. >> stephen: the second thing i want to thank you for is that i wanted to thank you for giving me a reason to explain to my wife why a beautiful woman gave me thong underwear. that was very enjoyable. >> this time i didn't bring you thong, i brought you with more coverage. because now-- (applause). >> stephen: that shall can. >> we have all the sizes from like extra small to 3x and now this is not just a little, you know, sexy thong, this will hold anything, anything.
anything, you want. >> stephen: if gi camping i will use this to make a tent, thank you very much. that's very-- i love that. >> and look at the print, supersexy so you don't feel like are you wearing a diaper or anything or like a-- . >> stephen: and if i am on safari i can hide in the tall grass in my leopard print, thank you very much. >> they're waterproof, no, i'm kidding. this one is a pickle. >> stephen: st is. sorry what is it again. >> a peacock. >> stephen: thank you very much, that is one one word for it it. okay. now shall shall. >> they're fantastic. >> stephen: they are amazek they feel wonderful. >> i am very proud of them. >> stephen: now is your loverly husband here. >> my lovely husband is here, yeah, we are very happy, we're on vacation. and we're promoting this movie together. so we are both in new york. and we're going back to l.a. soon. >> stephen: you were just in italy. >> in italy, yeah. >> stephen: right there. >> yeah. we spend almost two weeks there, going crazy, eating like
animals. >> stephen: wow, eating like animals. >> yeah, like we were counting and like when we were on the plane and the mms were really not good. >> stephen: what numbers. >> like we were there 12 days andy each had two bowls of pasta a day. it was like 22 bowls of pasta each tz 44 bowls of pasta. >> yeah, it's like, i's gret it right now, this is not what i was wearing today but you know, it is a little tight. >> stephen: you wear it well. you we are it well. this is exciting. have you ever performed with your husband before. >> no, this is the first time. >> stephen: so you show up with your huses in the new film "bottom of the ninth." i am assume staying baseball movie, tell what it is about. >>-- can you not tell me s it like-- i am an idiot. i have been having a problem the whole day rememberite in my finn
my hand but have i my glasses on. no-- . >> stephen: i will whisper it in your ear. >> st my english. , okay. so-- . >> stephen: what is the movie about. >> so it was a movie about revenger -- revenge. (laughter) i wrote if so tiny when hi my glasses on. i'm an idiot, i'm jet lag, i'm sorry it is about revenge but i kept thinking constipation, like congestion, and like everything,. >> stephen: it covers everything, everything, no, it is a movie about redemption, it is about a man who was supposed to have a great career with the yank yees and everything went wrong when he was young. and then with the new york yankies. >> stephen: okay. >> i thought were you confused. >> stephen: i was not confused
at all. >> okay. >> stephen: i was delighted to you have here. >> okay, thank you so much. and so then, mi going to go on. >> stephen: please. >> so then the movie is about this, about redemption, this man that wanted to be in the yankies and something happened, he went to jail, he comes back, he wants a second chance and i'm in the movie. >> stephen: are you his second chance. >> i am-- i was-- i don't know-- i was the girlfriend before he went to jail. and so he comes back and he is starting to, you know, see what is happening and i show up. and i am-- from the bronx. and it was a role for me, you know, an actress that worked in a show like modern family, we don't have that much time to do movies because we have a small hiatus. so i'm always looking for a move wree that i can really, you know, imet in, and that year i didn't have anything. so i was like watching him cast this movie. and i'm like, that part is for
me. >> stephen: we have a clip here, can you tell us what is going on here. >> let me see what is it? >> stephen: i can't show it to you without showing it to them. the clip is about redemption. >> it is about redemption. so you know-- . >> stephen: okay t is, two of you are outside a school. >> at the school, yes, yes and we are at the school and he wants, you know, to start his new life and i want to help him. i want to, you know, i'm not thinking anything romantic at that point with him. i just want, you know, i feel nostalgic and i think i want to help him. so this is what is happening right here, still nothing crazy. -- no-- is needed at that point. >> stephen: redemption, con tra ception, jim. >> what are you doing out here? >> yourl
>> in in one minute. >> how can you tell. >> that little car. >> for real? >> technology. >> any luck with. >> the stupid aptitude test. >> you didn't even hand it in. >> i guess i wasn't ready for it. you know what, maybe i do need to help you. >> i love it, i love the role. >> stephen: in theater this friday, bottom of the ninth, sophia vergara, everybody. we'll be right back with david cross. (vo) parents have a way of imagining the worst...
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ladies, ladies and gentlemen, for example, my next geses is a comedian and actor you know from arrested development and mr. show, please welcome back to the late show david cross. (applause) hi. >> hello, how are you. >> stephen: i'm doing well, and yourself. >> good, i wanted to congratulate you, pretty quickly. >> stephen: on. >> on, i'm so rarely up in this
part of manhattan and new york and i was coming up the subway here and coming out and i saw the big, you know, marquee, late show with stephen colbert. >> stephen: yeah. >> and just congrats on that, man, that's great. >> stephen: thanks very much, yeah. >> because i-- yeah, because-- . >> stephen: thank you very much, yeah, we want to let people know where i was. >> and that it is officially official can be-- obviously official now t is not-- the filling in time is over trk is official. >> stephen: first three kreers i was yus paper matchier, it was a pinata, actually. >> oh, cool, did you ever get-- . >> stephen: just yesterday when nominated for the emmys, we when whack, whack. >> and what was in there, >> stephen: yeah, rats, it is new york. >> candies rats. and i want to condition grat late the audience as well. (applause)
>> you know. >> stephen: all of heese people are here tonight because they won an essay contest. i was reminded earlier that you and i had dinner on the lower east side, it it was called franks. >> yeah. >> stephen: and probably was like paul shall dpsh one of our other mut eel friends and you remember that dinner differently i was told today. >> i don't know what your remembrance of it is. >> stephen: almost none. >> well, i d and i'm being sincere when i say this, it is a story that i am told often, one of my wife's favorite stories. we were out at dinner and tell me if you remember this. >> stephen: it is beginning to. >> okay, so we were at franks on second avenue in the east
village. so then i'm talking to you. and the whole time are you like this. (laughter) and i'm it continuing to talk, continuing to talk, and it it takes me a little while to notice. and what i love about it is the absolute commitment to the bit which i totally respect from anybody. but it went on for awhile, took me a good few minutes. >> stephen: how long are we talking? >> close to seven hours. no, it was honestly, it was enough, it was enough time to make it awkward and weird. and it was several minutes. because i'm talking jibber jaber and telling this story. and then, you are not looking at me, just right off my shoulder, and then it finally noticed and i even addressed it, you don't respond, you don't break, and then eventually i go like, that and there is a giant picture mirror of, and stephen is just looking at himself like-- and it
was great. and it-- . >> stephen: i vaguely remember that. mi glad you enjoyed it. >> i did enjoy it. and it is honestly one of my favorite memories. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> it became more, the more successful you got, the more i enjoyed the story. >> stephen: you have a new album, it is called oh, come on. okay. >> yeah. (applause) yeah. this is the result of the tour that i was plugging last time i was on the show. >> stephen: okay. and now this is the first album you have put out since you had your first child, your daughter. >> yeah. >> stephen: did it change the way you do come key-- comedy or did it change anything about your subject matter or anything? >> yeah, sure, and i see the world a little differently now, or more of a sense of urgency to what i think is important. and i mean it is not all dad jokes, just so you know. the special, it is into the-- .
>> stephen: are there any dad jokes. >> yeah, rougherly a third of it but, i think, but yeah, but i mean like things like when my daughter was born and i say daughter, we don't know yet. but-- you never know. it is up to her him they thee, whatever. but you know, you say that you have a kid and everybody is like congratulations. and i'm-- that always bothered me, even before i had a kid. i haven't done anything to be condition grat lated for yet. you know, i mean i barely had anything to do with it in the first place. my wife, had an affair and-- no, no, no, no no. >> stephen: you had to think about it. >> no, it's like we don't know how she's going to turn out yet. you know.
parents, really smart, good, decent people, well-intentioned, you can be as well-intentioned as you want but you know, they could turn out to be a bit of a bitch, you know. so and you know, we're going to try, obviously. we're not going to intentionally raise a tsa agent but you noafer know w will-- you never know. you never know. nerve know. >> stephen: is there a sketch you wrote once that gods and did you it and are you like we can't show that to people t is just too dark or too strange, we cannot show that. >> that we ever shot, no, no, a sketch that we shot that we never got-- . >> stephen: yes, that you shot and. >> no, not-- not that i know of, no. >> stephen: okay. all right. okay. you don't have to. >> i feel like you are putting me on the spot. >> stephen: i'm not, but it kind of my job to ask you questions that maybe puts you off balance.
>> maybe you are a fake news guy. yeah. >> my cup, my cup! , my cub! why have you done to my cup! no! (applause) wrng oh, come on, it is available now, david cross, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by tove lo. its show of strength or its sign of intelligence? in crossing harsh terrain or breaking new ground?
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he's gone ♪ you're better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ he's gone he's gone ♪ you're better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ i got a girlfriend she's got a boyfriend ♪ she calls me crying every day 'cause they got problems ♪ he likes complaining she's compromising ♪ coming to me for real advice when he just playing ♪ i can tell she loves him way too deep ♪ he loves being super hard to please ♪ cover the basics it's pretty easy ♪ he's a bitch with some expectations ♪ did you get down on his birthday? ♪ yup did you let him leave a ♪ necklace? yup ♪ or did you show him all your crazy? ♪ no blow him up on the weekends? ♪ hmm did you give in to his ego? ♪ just to give a little confidence? ♪ i think you know it's time to let go ♪ you're better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ my baby never no tears for that sucker ♪ only one love that's a bummer ♪ dancing all night get guys' numbers ♪ better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ he's gone baby, no tears for that sucker ♪ we'll never go dry this whole
summer ♪ wanna get over get under ♪ you're better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ he's gone he's gone ♪ you're better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ bitch, i love you he never loved you ♪ he never saw the pretty things in you that i do ♪ i missed your madness you're kinda ratchet ♪ we used to go out every night get into bad things ♪ you and me under each other's wing ♪ we were free 'til he spoiled everything ♪ cover the basics it's pretty easy ♪ he's a bitch with some expectations ♪ did you get down on his birthday? yup ♪ did you let him leave a necklace? yup ♪ or did you show him all your crazy? no ♪ blow him up on the weekends? hmm ♪ did you give in to his ego? yup ♪ just to give a little confidence? no ♪ i think you know it's time to let go ♪ you're better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ my baby never no tears for that sucker ♪ only one love that's a bummer
♪ dancing all night get guys' numbers ♪ better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ he's gone baby, no tears for that sucker ♪ we'll never go dry this whole summer ♪ wanna get over, get under better off ♪ i'm glad that he's gone he's gone ♪ he's gone you're better off ♪ i'm glad that he's gone you and me ♪ under each other's wing but he spoiled everything ♪ bitch, i love you he never loved you ♪ he never loved you my baby ♪ never no tears for that sucker only one love ♪ that's a bummer dancing all night ♪ get guys' numbers better off ♪ i'm glad that he's gone baby, no tears for that sucker ♪ we'll never go dry this whole summer ♪ wanna get over, get under we get under ♪ better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ he's gone he's gone ♪ he's gone you're better off ♪ i'm glad that he's gone he's gone ♪ he's gone you're better off ♪ i'm glad that he's gone
yeah. yeah? hey, give me a kiss. announcer: what's the role of a car company? [ kisses ] announcer: to take your kids to and from school? don't forget your science project. announcer: we think it can be something bigger. everybody take your seats. announcer: this summer, volkswagen is supporting america's teachers. announcer: visit your vw dealer to learn how you can join in. announcer: now during the volkswagen drive bigger event, get a $1,000 purchase bonus on 2019 jetta, tiguan, and select atlas models.
>> stephen: well, that's it for the "late show," folks. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be norah o'donnell and topher grace. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ and feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> rgi