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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  July 18, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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the late show with stephen colbert captioning sponsored by cbs >> the weak reaction from g.o.p. members is startling. >> you're not seeing a lot of republicans, very few of the r , willing to use the word racist. ( cheers and applause ) >> wheel of misfortune. >> announcer: welcome back to wheel of misfortune. the puzzle is only solved, only one letter missing. there it is. mitch mcconnell, can you solve the puzzle? one letter! ( laughter ) fire away! should be easy! trump is a r-blank-ist. we all know what it is. just say it. ( buzzer ) what about you? >> you all know that a.o.c. and
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this crowd are a bunch of communists. >> shut your mouth! just say the phrase, say it! >> coming up next, it's "jeopardy." >> no, we're not going anywhere till someone says it or i will come over there and horse whip you with this tiny mic. say it! ( tone ) that's it! glumplets. >> announcer: tonight "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, send him back. plus stephen welcomes norah o'donnell, topher grace and comedian ahamed weinberg, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: whoo! hi there!
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( cheers and applause ) wow! wow! ( piano riff ) thanks, everybody! please have a seat! welcome to "the late show." i'm hour host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) and i want to -- thank you! thank you! thank you! thank you for your adulation, i need it. it's up there with oxygen. but i will say in light of recent rallies, i would like you to enjoy tonight's gathering, but i encourage you to please chant responsibly. because last night -- just last night -- last night, donald trump's crowd did a bad thing, exactly what he wanted -- ( laughter ) you see, all week, every republican has been on defense against trump's racist tweets against four congresswomen known collectively as "the squad."
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♪ ( cheers and applause ) i don't know why we do that face. trump was condemned by the house of representatives for his racist language, but like a creature of pure energy and "star trek," our horror only makes him stronger. ( cheers and applause ) so, trump tripled down last night at a rally in north carolina. historians are already calling it his "i wish it was all just a bad dream speech." ( laughter ) the ugliness started before he went down there. when asked whether he was relishing his confrontation with the congresswomen, trump made an important distinction: >> i'm not relishing the fight. i'm enjoying it. ( laughter )
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>> stephen: does he know what "relish" means? (as trump) "i'm not relishing the fight. i'm not mayo-ing it. but i am russian dressing it." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) the rally started with trump telling the crowd just how busy his job isn't. >> we have all night. we can have a lot of fun tonight. i have nothing to do. nothing. nothing. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: (as trump) "that's right, the only thing on my to-do list was 'be racist' and i checked that off on sunday." "all in the clear. all in the clear ." but trump doesn't want you to think being president is easy. it's taken a toll on his social life. >> you lose all your friends when you're president, because they're all afraid to talk to you. i lost all my friends. they've tightened up, they've choked. you know what that is? they've choked!
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they can't breathe, because people have such respect for the office of the president. they have respect for the office of the president. >> stephen: (as trump) "my friends are all cowardly, stuck-up choke artists. i have no idea why they don't talk to me anymore." ( laughter ) he talked about one specific friend of his. >> i have wonderful friends, new york developers. rich guys, call up, "uh, mr. president, how are you, sir? uh, it's richard. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, your rich friend .. ( laughter ) (as trump) "i have rich friends, like... rich...ard. and powerful friends, like... pow...ard." ( laughter ) then, trump talked about most important issue facing our country: his old reality show. >> whenever i hear that,
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"apprentice," i say i love that word, that was a good show. they figured, you know what we'll do? we will get arnold schwarzenegger to take my place. ( laughter ) that didn't work out too well. that didn't work out too well. we had 14 seasons. think of that. "the apprentice!" i proudly signed four bipartisan human trafficking laws. >> stephen: whoa! what? ( laughter ) wow, some episode! the 14th season of "the apprentice" sounds incredible. (as trump) "gary busey, your challenge is: open a lemonade stand. meatloaf, your challenge is: end the global slave trade." ( laughter ) then trump's brain really took a leave of absence: >> the same day there is another crucial election in north carolina ninth condoit--- you
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know what-- right? you know what we're talking about? >> stephen: no! no one knows what you mean by -- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: one knows what you mean by "the ninth cond-ooey." ( laughter ) but i'm pretty sure it's a slur against immigrants. (as trump) "you know who really needs to go back home? the damn cond-ooey. speak english, cond-ooey." ( laughter ) then trump turned his lidless eye to the four congresswomen, calling them out by name, and had a little trouble with one of them. >> representative alexandria ocasio-cortez (pronouncing). cortez. somebody said that's not her
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name. it's-- they said, that's not her name, sir. i said, no, no. i don't have time to go with three different names. we'll call her cortez. too much time. takes too much time. >> stephen: (as trump) "it takes too much time to say three names. time i could be spending with my dear friends mohammed bin salman, kim jong-un, and k.f.c." ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) then trump fanned the flames of the crowd's... would you believe "economic anxiety?" >> i have a suggestion for the hate-filled extremists who are constantly trying to tear our country down. >> stephen: (as trump) "come to my rally, you'll fit right in!"
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( laughter ) ( applause ) ( piano riff ) then he went on about the congresswomen: >> they never have anything good to say. that's why i say, hey, if they don't like it, let them leave. let them leave. if they don't love it, they can leave it. >> stephen: so he said these women should leave the country. let's see if the crowd is able to pick up on that subtle messaging, when he starts talking about minnesota congresswoman ilhan omar. >> and she looks down with contempt on the hardworking americans, saying that ignorance is pervasive in many parts of this country. ( booing ) ( send her back chants ) and obviously and importantly, omar has a history of launching vicious anti-semitic screeds. ( send her back chants )
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>> stephen: i never thought i'd say this, but these rallies where a national leader whips people up into a racist frenzy might have a dark side. this chant did not help trump's image as not a racist, so this afternoon he tried to distance himself from his own idea. >> whewhen they were chanting sd them back, why didn't you ask them this to stop saying that? >> well, number one, i think i did. i started speaking very quickly. >> stephen: okay, you started speaking very quickly to stop them from chanting. let's see how very quickly you started. ( send her back chants ) >> and she talked about the evil. israel. >> stephen: okay, first of all, you didn't cut them off.
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you let them fully get their hate rocks off. second, that's your idea of quick? i look forward to the donald trump invitational track meet. >> on your mark, get set... (gun shot) and they're off! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i love that. great. great. the reporter pressed him further. >> so you will tell your supporters never to... >> well, i will say that i was not happy with it. i disagree with it. but, again, i didn't say that. they did. >> stephen: wow! ( audience reacts ) trump supporters, did you see him throw you under the bus?
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>> jon: wow. >> stephen: probablyt not, since you have a tire on your face right now. ( laughter ) and, wait a second -- trump, you disagree with it? hey, this is your party. you're the bride at the white power wedding. and you sent out some lovely engraved invitations. (as trump) "please join me on the dark side. pick one: chicken, fish, or race war." ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) and for pete's sake, if you're going to be a demagogue, at least grow a pair and take responsibility for what you inspired them to chant wussi-lini. ( laughter ) you created that crowd. you're like dr. frankenstein saying, "i didn't strangle those villagers, that was my monster!
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all i did was sew together some dead bodies, zap it with lightning, deny it love, set it loose, and mention that i knew some people who could use a good strangling!" we've got a great show for you tonight. norah o'donnell is here. but when we return, "meanwhile!" stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) right now, shop up to fifty percent off storewide, with new deals every single day! plus earn ten dollars off your next purchase when you buy online and pick up in store! i'm here for my denim tune up. now, at old navy. hey, who are you? oh, hey jeff, i'm a car thief... what?! i'm here to steal your car because, well, that's my job. what? what?? what?! (laughing) what??
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for fast pain relief. z3fx2z zi0z y3fx2y yi0y ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human." give it up for the band right there. there they are right there. ( cheers and applause ) fo spend aot time over there stitching the bolts of big news cloth into my nightly, ultra-high fashion, made-to-measure couture monologue.
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but every once in a while, i like to dig deep down in the bargain bin, fish out the old t-shirts and acid-washed jeans, cut 'em up, stuff 'em with cotton, pin some mismatched buttons on for eyes, and sew them into the novelty sock puppet that is my segment: "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) there's nothing to be done. i can feel the wheels coming off. i can feel them coming off. ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile, have you named your school after robert e. lee, the general who betrayed our country and lost a war? a lot of schools named after the confederate general want to rebrand, but changing all the signs is very expensive, so the solution, they are finding, is picking someone with a similar name. ( laughter ) like this former robert e. lee elementary, which simply changed "robert e." to adelaide lee. that's great. now, instead of kids having to
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say "i go to robert e. lee elementary," now they can say "you remember robert e. lee elementary? it's named something else now but yeah, i go there." ( laughter ) thing is, there are only so many people named lee, which explains the newly-named christopher lee high school. go, fightin' sarumans! ( laughter ) meanwhile, according to new research, "goats can perceive each other's emotions from their voices." a fascinating scientific insight. and it explains why my goat left me. ( laughter ) i'm not a mind reader, patricia! if you say you're not mad, i think you're not mad. and i go out with the boys. stop playing games! my mom said you'd leave me. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) meanwhile, it's grad season, and one 12th grader in indiana named evan dennison is going viral for his grad photos, reclining in a
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field in his bathrobe. "s'up? the name's evan. oh, me? i'm just in this field studying for a.p. badass." ( laughter ) this was not easy to pull off. apparently, evan's mom hired evan's cousin-- a professional portrait photographer-- to take these photos, and evan's mom even sent the clothes she wanted evan to wear, but evan showed up in his bathrobe, and the cousin said, "why are you doing this to me? please just wear the clothes your mom sent," to which evan responded, "i'm going to be a legend." ( laughter ) yes! yes! >> jon: yes! ( applause ) >> stephen: right you are, even. you know, in these troubled times, we aren't sure if our public figures even have a moral center, a set of guiding principles we know they will stand up for-- or recline seductively for.
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so when we find such a person, the choice is clear: "evan dennison: 2020. the only thing we have to fear is poison oak! back with norah o'donnell! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ graham? ♪ ♪ that's my daughter! hey. dad. what an incredible set! love the wig. the greater than ever corolla. let's go places.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to "the late show" already in progress. folks, my first guest is a veteran journalist who has served as chief white house correspondent for cbs and co-hosted "cbs this morning." she now takes the helm as anchor of the "cbs evening news." please welcome norah o'donnell! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> stephen: welcome back. thank you! >> stephen: good to see you again. congratulations on your first week. >> thank you. >> stephen: anchoring the "cbs evening news." that's pretty heavy stuff. but be honest, after seven years on the morning show, did you take this job just so you can sleep in? ( laughter ) >> that was part of the calculation, yes, to be able to have breakfast with my children. >> stephen: i'm joking, but it can't be insignificant, you get back on a human schedule. >> you know, good friends with everybody at "cbs this morning," but it is a grind getting up so early in the morning, but now i get up at 5:00 a.m., which is considered sleeping in. >> stephen: oh, lazy bones! ( laughter ) first of all, how has the first week been? did you get a good band because ewhen you're host ag show, you have to have a good band. >> are you available? ( applause ) >> stephen: what's the biggest difference for you so far? >> you know, it's 30 minutes, so it's jam packed with news, and this is a legacy broadcast. >> stephen: from two hours to
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30 minutes. >> yeah, so it's kind of appointment television at 6:30. if you don't have a lot of time, tune in at 6:30 p.m. also on your mobile device. ( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, wow. you guys are on the mobile device now. >> yeah, we're on it. >> stephen: okay, that's good. but for me, a journalist of 20 years, it's a legacy broadcast. >> stephen: who was the first woman you saw anchoring? because you're the only third solo anchor of a evening news broadcast to be a woman. who's the first female journalist you saw and admired? >> i grew up in a military family, agree up all over the world and news meant a lot. i was talking to family friends and it really was barbara walters. ( applause ) and one of my friends from cant is actually here tonight in the audience. ( cheering ) yay! and they reminded me i actually
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used to call them up and leave a message on their machine, hi, it's barbara walters, i'm calling you for an interview. so even as a young girl, i was imitating barbarwalters and wanted to be like barbar barbara walters because she was the most powerful woman on television. >> stephen: my woman had a book about how to ask anyone practically anything. i want to ask you, how do you get yourself to ask the person who doesn't want to answer that question, the question they don't want to hear, what do you do before you ask that question that's going to get their back up? >> i treat them with respect, al d ( cheers and applause ) i think it's the heart of great conversation and great relationships is trust and integrity, so i do tons and tons of research, i think 90% of getting the right answer is asking the right question, but if i treat someone with respect and then ask them a tough
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question, which you know i like to do, but do it respectfully, i can usually get a good answer. >> stephen: well, this news seat that you're in right now is the most storied one on television. this is the house that cronkite built. >> yes. >> stephen: what does that job mean to you? >> it means an incredible amount. i have been reading walter cronkite's biography. he held the post for more than 20 years, was known as the most trusted man in america, the most trusted voice. one to have the things he said is journalism is what we need to make demock se work. ( cheers and applause ) and i so firmly believe that in my bones about having an informed electorate and also having a trusted news source. you know, i think there are lots of sources out there of affirmation, but we provide information on the "cbs evening news." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what will success
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look like to you? >> success means, you know, winning reputationly, and it means people come to our broadcast and play it straight. they play a ball a ball, a strike a trike, i trust them, they do important news and not only point out abuse and corruption but also point out what's going right in america, people who are doing great service in their communities and we'll tell those kinds of stories. so i want to have a broadcast about integrity. that's important having an informed electorate that will go to the polls and make the right choices. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, you got some praise. speaking of calling a ball a ball and strike a strike, you got praise monday for being the only one of the major news broadcasters to describe donald trump's tweets about the squad
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as racist. what was the editorial process, what was the decision, how was that reached? because no one else did that. beyond looking at it and going, oh, that's racist, what was the decision? >> right, and we looked at the history of those words and the context of those words. >> stephen: mean "go back to where you came from"? >> yes, to go back. i think if you are a person of color and a minority, that's a phrase you've probably heard in your lifetime and it's a very hurtful phrase, and it's an historically racist trope. we called them racist tweets. we didn't call the president a racist. we didn't label him. we called the context of what these remarks are. >> stephen: he might have found those remarks anyplace and just accidentally tweeted them. ( laughter ) knows where they came from. >> and we're reporting that, after the president used a rally in north carolina to repeat those phrases and then that the crowd shouted it back, that he
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received his wife melania told him to stop, ivanka told him to stop, a number of congressional republicans went to the vice president and told him this should not become a rallying cry at political rallies but that's gone too far. >> stephen: might be too late because the crowd seemed to enjoy it. he has created an atmosphere he might not be able to control. >> that's why i think journalism is so incredibly important, what we do, it e exposes us to the mistakes people made, it causes other people to hold them accountable, all of that information is incredibly key. >> stephen: when you sign off the show, so far your signoff has been "and that is the "cbs evening news"." and cronkite that his "that's the way it is" and people search for a way to say goodbye. i understand we have some of the choices that didn't make the cut for your signoff here and i was hoping you could take us through some of the things you decided
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not to say during the end of your broadcast. >> how did you get ahold of these? >> stephen: we made 'em up. ( laughter )t there. miiving ose at th e youeayod night. camera 3, you're a fine broadcaster, there. >> okay. this is from stephen colbert. >> stephen: these are the rejected signoffs that norah o'donnell did not want to say. >> i'm norah o'donnell and you can't make this stuff up, folks. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that would have been good. that would have been good. this one? >> good night and good luck with all that. ( laughter ) i'm norah o'donnell, and that norah o'does it. ( laughter ) >> stephen: pretty good. pretty good. >> that's good. and that is the "cbs evening news." wow, i need a drink. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: the "cbs evening news" airs nightly! norah o'donnell, everybody!
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we'll be right back with topher grace! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) (vo) the hamsters, run hopelessly in their cage. content on their endless quest, to nowhere. but perhaps this year, a more exhilarating endeavor awaits. defy the laws of human nature,at the summer of audi sales event. get exceptional offers now.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen -- ( cheers and applause ) -- ladies and gentlemen, my friends, my friends -- and you are my friends -- welcome back to the show. you know my next guest from
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"that '70s show," "blackkklansman" and "black mirror." please welcome topher grace! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) hello. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show! >> thank you. i'm such a huge fan of the show. thanks for having me on. >> stephen: thank you very much. we were saying backstage a while ago you and i met briefly in the lobby of "the daily show" way back when. at year wld that have stephenas still its embry then. >> what you guys did for the show, i loved it so much. let's give it up for "the daily show." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, you're in the latest season of "black mirror."
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you're playing the head of a social media company like of a global social media -- big deal. here's a photo of you in a bathrobe, apparently. >> yeah. >> stephen: out in the desert talking on a satellite phone. >> i have a man bun. >> stephen: is this based on anyone? >> yeah, kind of. there are a lot of figures -- >> stephen: is it jack dorsey, twitter? >> well, it's weird. before i played david duke, i'd never -- >> stephen: "blackkklansman," david duke. >> yeah, thank you. ( applause ) but it's new to me. i'm usually playing fictional characters. to play someone america knows was daunting, and i'm not someone -- like when i did "saturday night live," they said do you do any impressions, at the beginning of the week, and i said, huh-oh, this is going to be a long week. >> stephen: do you do any impressions? >> do i one, and my wife helped
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me realize it, whenever we watch "back to theat the whole thing, i slip into doing marty mcfly. >> stephen: so you do michael j. fox. >> which camera? this one? that's it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow! can we run that back? >> i do a little bit of the voice. he goes, like, eh, doc, are you telling me that you built a time machine out of delorean? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's okay, beautiful. >> i hate to tie "back to the future" to white supremacy, but that gave me the courage. >> stephen: somebody had to. ( laughter ) you said you did david duke in "blackkklansman," and that's a heavy role, and this is kind of a very dak role you're doing in
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"black mirror." what do you do to lighten things up? >> i know where you're going with this, stephen. >> stephen: i hope so. i have the nerdiest hobby of all time which i tweeted about so it's my fault, but i cut down movies. i was in a film that i produced and i had never been in the editing room before and, you know, actors, they don't know what's going on in the editing room. i always figured, what's taking you guys so long? and it turns out it's really difficult. i gave terrible notes. so, as my penance, i bought an editing machine on ebay and taught myself to edit. i don't want to edit anything on end, but i wanted to take movies that i respected. >> stephen: anything i know? i know where you're going with this. >> stephen: you edit the hobbit? you edit all three to have the hobbit films.
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>> some might say it's not really enough for three films. would you say that. >> stephen: i would never say that. >> come on, stephen. >> stephen: i would never say that. >> lord of the rings is based on how many pages? >> stephen: about 1500 pages. i knew you would say that. >.and the hobbit based on what? >> stephen: mid 200s, something like that. >> yeah, i don't know, so -- ( laughter ) >> stephen: how long is your hobbit? his is nine hours long. >> that's not the question you want to ask me. >> stephen: i'm the master of the spy network in lake town, a crucial, critical character in the second movie the desolation of smog starring stephen colbert as the spy master of lake town. >> it's maybe 15 seconds, right? >> stephen: is it still in your ( bleep ) -- >> i'm so sorry! i'm so sorry! we had to cut it! i'm sorry! >> stephen: what? you cut it? >> i'm so sorry.
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here's what happened, stephen -- when you get into the editing room and you have all these choices. >> stephen: i get it. okay. all right. that's all we have time for, topher, i'm afraid. i want to say, you have a new podcast called "minor adventures with topher grace." ( laughter ) first of all, you look fantastic. >> thanks, yeah. >> stephen: what is a minor adventure, topher grace? >> could i see that for a second? this is me just kind of getting into the gym, because i'm a dedicated actor, so just kind of wailing away on this and these, and after, back down. >> stephen: all goes away after the photo shoot. what is a minor adventure. >> a minor adventure, i have a friend of mine, usually celebrity, and then we talk a little bit, they don't know what's going to happen. and we go on an adventure. like someone gave us a lie
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detector, or zach levi came in, ordained and we married the couple. >> stephen: what was the lie you were caught in? >> yeah, they said because your baby was only a year old at that time, they said have you ever pretended to be asleep. >> stephen: when the baby cries? >> yes, and when your wife got up. i said -- i even thought i was telling the truth. i said, no, i always hop right up, and the thing went -- buzzer -- and i said, yeah, that's a lie. >> stephen: let's do it more frequently. you can watch "black mirror's smithereens" on netflix and listen to his podcast, "minor adventures with topher grace." topher grace, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian ahamed weinberg. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ♪ stop dancing around the pain that keeps you up again, and again.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, -- ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is a stand-up comedian and creator of "please understand me" on amazon prime.
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please welcome ahamed weinberg! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> oh, my god! whew! honestly, that's a bit much. i appreciate it, though. ( laughter ) my name is ahamed, sorry to confuse you. ( laughter ) i was raised muslim, and a lot of people are scared of muslims right now, i think because our names are longer. that's my theory. you know, in america, we like short names. you know, you meet someone, they're, like, hi, i'm bob. you're, like, thank god. bob, good name. it's over before it's started. you meet a muslim it's lake
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hello, i'm muhamad latif al-badibri. it's like, i don't have time for that. and they have majestic meanings, my name means prophet plucked like a petal of a rose and marinate under the mango tree for 20 years. americans are, like, my name is frank, so that means hot dog. ( applause ) yeah. this is my buddy john, that means toilet. ( laughter ) and this is my friend lou, that means toilet. it's just hot dog or toilet, if you need to guess. ( laughter ) i do love living here in america, though. every city i go to, i do the same thing. i get really high, and i go to the museum, and i just touch all the paintings. ( laughter )
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and that's something you can do. i don't know if you know that, but you can just touch it. and they can't stop you. there's a guy there. he's, like, sir, you can't touch that. but i did, you know. ( laughter ) i touch every painting here, so... ( laughter ) i like to go to the museum and touch the paintings, then i go to the hard rock cafe right after. yeah, that's a perfect day, you know. because there's nothing preventing you from touching a picasso at the museum, but at the hard rock cafe, sammy hagar's belt is behind bulletproobullet --bulletproof . ( applause ) that's what we care about, we're, like, you protect that belt. america is beautiful. we have things here called corn mazes. ( laughter ) that doesn't exist anywhere else.
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there are stafferring countries, and we're, like, we're getting lost in our food. ( laughter ) we have been in here all day. we can't get out. ( laughter ) i'm pretty woke. i don't know if you can tell. i'm actually not. i'm pretty dumb. but i play it off, you know. if you're dumb and you want to seem smart, just be quiet. ( laughter ) just a tip. ( applause ) i'll tell you why. i'll tell you why, because people think quiet people are smart. you know, i'll be at a party and everyone is talking politics, i'm silent, and they're, like, oh, he's coming up with something. no, i'm just counting my teeth with my tongue. that the all i'm doing. ( laughter ) everyone's, like, how does trump get away with that? i'm, like, why are my pockets full of crumbs?
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( laughter ) i'm not eating enough chips to warrant all the crumbs. ( laughter ) i do try to read, though. that's something i do. i just finished the diary of anne frank, which is an amazing book. you know what it made me realize? that women are more mature than men. that is true. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, especially at 13. ( laughter ) especially when anne frank is hiding from nazis and going through puberty and articulating it in this way, it's so positive, it gives you hope. all i can think of when i'm reading this is if this was a dude's diary -- this would suck. ( laughter ) like, if it was thery of frank frank -- ( laughter ) -- it wouldn't be the testament to the power of the human will.
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the diary of frank frank would be, like, every day, dear diary, no school today, hell, yeah! ( laughter ) this war is awesome! ( laughter ) every other page would have, like, cartoon s from middle school. ( laughter ) like there's a drawing of goku here that didn't exist yet. he's, like, my name means hot dog-hot dog. that's pretty cool. ( laughter ) racism is a big problem in america, too. i think white people say racial slurs sometimes because they're jealous, like it's a word they can't say, and they're, like, we should say every word! i'm here to tell you, if you're white, there's something we can say no other race can say, and that's we're the only race that can call things bad boys. ( laughter ) i don't know if you follow. ( laughter )
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like hdmi cables? ( laughter ) plug a couple of those bad boys in -- oh, yeah! ( applause ) now you're white. now you're doing it, you know? maybe get a keurig masine -- mae get some k cups, throw a couple of those bad boys in there. that's our culture. that's what we have. all right, i've got to wrap this bad boy up. thank you very honey, this gig-speed internet
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>> stephen: hey, that's it for "the late show," everybody! tune in tomorrow when my guests will be john oliver and joe namath. good night! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from the great

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