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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  August 20, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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"the late show with stephen colbert" is up next. >> we saw captioning sponsored by cbs >> republicans and president trump are declaring victory and calling on congress to move on. but house democrats are trying to figure out where to go from here. ♪ ♪ >> welcome to cbs sports, i'm larry boberry. >> and i'm gary nanananafoferry. >> well, the mueller bowl just ended and it was a total victory for team trump. >> actually larry, referee mueller was clear: not a total victory. >> what does the ref know? he did not look good out there. point is the game is officially over. >> no, it's not over, coach trump could still be arrested post season. >> the whole thing is a witch punt. >> i don't think so. coach trump attempted to fire
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the ref at least ten times. >> but in the end, he was still the ref. no harm, no foul. next thing you know, they'll say it's a crime to attempt murder. >> attempted murder is a crime. >> news to me. for all of us at cbs news sports-- >> boom goes the democracy. >> anner: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight, mulling mueller. plus, stephen welcomes jeff goldblum and aisha tyler, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> stephen: whoo! thanks, everybody! please have a seat!
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very nice! delightful. what a lovely group of people here tonight. welcome to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. everyone is still talking. ( cheers and applause ) everybody out there is still talking about former special counsel robert mueller's appearance on capitol hill, six hours of testimony. it was so long that by the end we all felt as old as robert mueller looked. ( laughter ) and at the hearings, mueller confirmed that the president of the united states was not ( as trump ) totally exonerated. ( laughter ) mueller also agreed that trump obstructed the investigation multiple times, russia tampered with the election in trump's favor, and that the president welcomed that help, lied about welcoming it and encouraged others to lie about it. in short, boring! ( laughter ) i assume it must have been because the critics have decided, and they're panning
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mueller's performance. look at these headlines! "new york times:" "the blockbuster that wasn't-- mueller disappoints the democrats." ap: "mueller hearing makes for less than compelling tv drama." and he's only got 35% on rotten tomatoes. ( laughter ) yeah. and the tv people said, "yeah." >> there were times in the hearing when he was sharp as a tack, but we can't avoid the fact that there were times in the hearing when he was not. >> gosh, i kind of felt sorry for him. he definitely was not on his game. >> he seemed lost at times. >> he was confused at times. >> he seemed unsteady. >> persistently seemed... old. ( laughter ) >> jon: wow. unbelievable. >> stephen: and if we've learned one thing from watching movies like "star wars" and "lord of the rings," it's that we should always ignore the dire warnings of the old guy. ( laughter ) this is a critical moment in our democracy, so of course our faithful journalists are focused on what really matters: and
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that's ratings, baby! >> pretty close to a dud, erica. about 13 million viewers tuned in. if you compare that to james comey and his explosive testimony two years ago, that had more than 20 million viewers. >> brett kavanaugh-- the day that brett kavanaugh and christine blasey ford both testified during the day last fall. 20 million viewers. >> stephen: you can't determine the value of mueller's testimony by ratings! if that were the case, then "avengers: endgame" would be president of the united states. ( cheers and applause ) at least-- it would be nice. it might be nice. i'd go for that. at least thanos cares about the environment. ( laughter ) he's got some plan. ( laughter ) i don't want a government that cares about ratings, because we already have that with donald trump! if viewers were the only thing congress cared about, then they would have made it... "mueller. ♪ after dark." ( laughter )
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ooh, bobby three sticks is back, ladies and gentlemen, and this time, he's got a few more things in his purview and i promise he will get into that! ( laughter ) here's the thing. robert-- kind of liked how dark it was. ( applause ) ( piano riff ) here's the thing -- robert mueller didn't come to congress to entertain us. he's like a doctor, reminding us that the tests came back positive and our country has a terminal illness, and we're like "yeah, you told us about it like three months ago, doc. ( laughter ) plus, i want to point out that when you tried to say tumor, you said 'tubler.' so weak! ( laughter ) i know half of the family asked you ce ba so i would "take the diagnosis seriously" so we could "take action" while there's still time to save my life. but look at your tie, grampa, it's got a gravy stain. you know what i think? i think we should have an investigation into how you even found that "tubler." and for that matter, why are you
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using a cat scan on a human?" oh, god, ow, ow -- ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) scene. ( cheers and applause ) one thing that everyone agrees that mueller was passionate about is the fact that the russians did hack our election, and they're going to do it again if we don't do something quick. so immediately after the hearings, senate republicans blocked two election security bills and a cyber-security measure. what? no, what are you doing? ( booing ). that's like if robbers knocked your door down and ransacked your house, so your response is, "i've learned my lesson. next time: no doors!" ( laughter ) republicans decided to block a law that would force campaigns to alert the f.b.i. and federal election commission about foreign offers of assistance,
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because they didn't want to "federalize" the elections. no, they're going to stick with kremlinizing them. ( laughter ) but the president did put out this election p.s.a. on what you should do if a foreign government offers to help your campaign: >> i don't think in my whole life i've ever called the f.b.i. in my whole life. you don't call the f.b.i. "oh, let me call the f.b.i." give me a break. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good to know. it's a public service. public service announcement. today, the president welcomed his newly confirmed defense secretary, mark esper, with a special ceremony at the pentagon, and the president gushed about esper's credentials: >> mark attended the united states military academy at west point, graduated in 1986. he was awarded the bronze star and the combat infantroopen
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badge. ( laughter ) >> stephen: "infantroopen?" what is infantroopen? that sounds like the name of a german police unit comprised of little babies. ( laughter ) "deploy das infantroopen fur dem kinderblitz!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) i should stop. i don't want to give him any ideas. i don't want to give the president ideas. trump continued... or tried to: >> he has worked in both houses of congress, advising larmarkers. ( laughter ) >> stephen: he's probably just tired from being up all night gloating about mueller's bad reviews, but if i were you mr. president, i wouldn't celebrate too early. remember, no man is above the lawr. the lawr. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) so, trump's in a good mood. but presidential lawyer rudy
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giuliani warned that the mueller saga might not be over yet. >> it's not quite over yet. that hand is going to come up again one or two times and we're going to have to push it down, but basically the body-- the body was buried today. >> stephen: wow, he does a really, really convincing zombie impression. ( laughter ) he even came dressed as an undead corpse. ( laughter ) but, hang on a sec, can we get another look at rudy, jim? what the hell happened to his hair? rudy's a redhead now! ( laughter ) still mostly head. rudy clearly spruced up his side-fringe with a box of "just for rudy because no one else really wants to look like this." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) that is-- he's always been grey, right? ( applause ) give me another taste, jim. just -- wow! just red on the sides. he looks like business casual bozo.
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( laughter ) (as giuliani) "look, forget supercuts. i saved five bucks by getting my hair done at the mortician. he calls this one, 'the open casket.'" ( laughter ) we have an update on a story from earlier this week. you might remember, president trump spoke to a group of conservative teens at the turning point u.s.a. student summit or as the kids call it, "t-puss." ( laughter ) do they call it that? they don't call it that? they should. they should call it that. well, since then, folks have looked a little closer at the footage of trump speaking and they spotted a problem. turns out, trump delivered his speech in front of a fake presidential seal. let's look at this thing. the eagle has two heads instead of one, which might look familiar, because that's the russian coat of arms -- ( audience reacts ) -- and the eagle's left talons, rather than 13 arrows, it's holding a set of golf clubs. and in the right talons, rather than an olive branch, it's
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holding a wad of cash. and in the place where the president should've been, there was an orange doofus. now, the graphic-- ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! >> stephen: hey! >> jon: hey! >> stephen: nice to see ya! the graphic seems to be lifted from an anti-trump website, which replaces the normal latin banner that reads "e pluribus unum" with one that reads "45 es un titere," which in spanish translates to "45 is a puppet." ( applause ) then again -- then again -- ( cheers and applause ) -- trump can't be expected to know spanish, but it's something our future president beto o'rourke would've known instantly. ( laughter ) i love that trump entered a room full of teenagers and got trolled that hard. (as trump) "i'm telling you, the teens, they love me.
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they invited me to join the pen-15 club. ( laughter ) turns out, this wasn't a practical joke by the teens, it was just pure, uncut stupid by his staff. because a spokesman for the organizers said the fake seal was the result of a rushed online search. ( audience reacts ) because a spokesman for the "uh -- uh -- sorry -- -- i kept looking for the presidential seal, but all i could find is a supreme court walrus." ( laughter ) this is a major blunder. as one former bush staffer put it, "to let someone project something on the screen that isn't controlled by the white house is pretty stupid." yeah, pretty stupid. but at least they didn't forget to play "hail to the chief:" ( benny hill "yakety sax" ) ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. jeff goldblum is here!
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody, right over there with the great valerie simpson joining us again tonight! unbelievable! ( cheers and applause ) again tonight we're blessed to have the great valerie simpson here again tonight. thanks you so much for being here. nice to see you again, thank you. adding magic to our evening. good to see you. jon, you know who else is joining us tonight is our old friend jeff goldblum is going to
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be out here in just a minute. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: love him, great! >> stephen: here's the thing, we're in the middle of a goldblumissance right now. there's so much jeff goldblum. but here's what's worrying me, i'm not sure we're husbanding our jeff goldblum resources responsibly. because, if you want jeff goldblum, if you want that jeff goldblum feeling, you have to go to the source, which is jeff goldblum, but it's a limited resource, you know? >> jon: right, right. >> stephen: i think we should get jeff goldblum in a captive breeding program. >> jon: oh, like cloning him. >> stephen: however he wants to do it. he can clone or go au naturale, but we have to get more jeff goldblums, because i don't want to frighten you, but in the entire world we're down to just one jeff goldblum at this point. it's too dangerous. it's just too damn-- get on that, now. folks, you know i spend a lot of time over there, standing on stage, harvesting the juiciest news fruit to make you the beautiful edible arrangement
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that is my monologue. but sometimes, i like to take the leftover cantaloupe and honey dew rinds of news, toss them out back with some egg shells, avocado skins, coffee grounds, and grass clippings, then watch as thermophilic bacteria make the pile fester into a warm compost heap that is my segment: "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) you always learn something! meanwhile, you always learn something with meanwhile, and the people know it. meanwhile, bad news for netflix: in the last quarter, the streaming service "lost subscribers in the u.s. for the first time since launching its streaming service," which caused their stock to lose "more than $24 billion in value in six days." ( audience reacts ) yeah. traditionally, losing that much money takes longer, but wall street decided to binge. ( laughter ) meanwhile, the meatless meat craze is sweeping the nation, and it's about to breach the
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final frontier folks, because plant-based meat company "beyond meat is developing meatless bacon." ( audience reacts ) bacon that doesn't have meat? what's next, hot dogs that do have meat? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile-- meanwhile, the recently bankrupt "toys'r'us is coming back, but with a different approach." "new locations will be smaller, and the presentation will be far more experiential and interactive." and in a nod to the financial demise they just returned from, the flagship store will feature jeffrey the giraffe lying in state. ( audience reacts ) >> jon: oh, man! oh! >> stephen: hey... >> jon: hey. >> stephen: hey... >> jon: oh, oh... >> stephen: he said he didn't want to grow up. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) my staff and i had a debate
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about whether i should do that joke. i'm not sure who just won. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ i don't want to grow up... >> stephen: meanwhile, "an amazon delivery driver was caught pooping in a customer's garden." ugh, i hate it when they don't leave the delivery at the door. ( laughter ) no one told me not to do that joke. ( laughter ) meanwhile, supreme court justice ruth bader ginsburg continues-- ( cheers and applause ) -- continues to be become smaller and more concentrated. ( laughter ) in an interview this week, she took a moment to laugh in the face of one of her critics: >> there was a senator, i think
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it was after my pancreatic cancer, who announced with great glee that i was going to be dead within six months. that senator, whose name i have forgotten, is now himself dead. ( laughter ) and i am very much alive. >> stephen: wow! wow! ( cheers and applause ) that was ruth-less! ( laughter ) now we know why she works out so much. so she can dance on your grave. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile, pabst blue ribbon is introducing a new coffee-beer hybrid that they're calling "hard coffee." ( laughter ) putting alcohol in your coffee? if h.r. is listening, that's the
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first time i've ever heard of such a thing. ( laughter ) mmm. oooh, smooth. smooth. ( laughter ) so, why do this? according to the people over at p.b.r., "pabst blue ribbon has always been a brand that pushes boundaries and celebrates those who experiment and try new things." ( laughter ) i'm not so sure if this is new. people have been vomiting for centuries. ( laughter ) meanwhile, some footage went viral today from denver, colorado, where a "bear tried to steal an entire dumpster from a marijuana dispensary." ( laughter ) which i believe is the most denver thing i have ever said. take a look-- take a look at the bear-ijuana thief in action. there he is checking out the dumpster... and there he goes... out the door!
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( laughter ) you know what? maybe he's not stealing it. he's like, "guys, it's tuesday night. this is supposed to be out by the curb." ( laughter ) it's bulky waste. by the way, workers at the weed store see the bear so regularly, they've nicknamed it "cheeseburger." ( laughter ) though i'm pretty sure workers at a weed store nickname everything cheeseburger. ( laughter ) we'll be right back with jeff goldblum. the one and only! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) boots up as fast as 6 seconds when you're running late?at (whispers) it's switching time or how about a battery that lasts up to 12 hours? order up! now we're cooking.
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you...and mom also gets aoss shoppiback-to-school bag? that's yes for less. ross has the brands you want for back to school. and it feels even better when you find them for less. at ross. yes for less.
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and realize you can get youeverything you need...oss oh, yeah. yep. yes! ...to feel like a boss? that's yes for less. 20 to 60 percent off specialty store prices for every room and every budget. at ross. yes for less. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! here we go. here we go. folks, i've said it before, i'll say it again, there's no one like my first guest. you've loved him in "jurassic park," "independence day," and "thor: ragnarok."
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please welcome back to "the late show," mr. jeff goldblum! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. >> so nice to see you. >> stephen: always a pl-- i don't know if you heard jon and i talking before, we were just saying that if you want that jeff goldblum feeling, there's only really one source and that's jeff goldblum. you're a limited resource. >> you're so sweet. ( applause )
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>> stephen: you're a limited resource, jeff goldblum. you're precious cargo. thank you for being here. >> thank you so much. i live my whole days with you. i watch you on youtube all the days. what's wrong with your finger? let me see-- what happened there? >> stephen: when i was on vacation, i really raked the back of this finger right here fishing on sort of the rough edge of a boat on the gunnel, you know, where you're-- you know what a gunnel is? >> i don't know what a gunnel is. >> stephen: gunnel is the top. you do not boat, jeff goldblum? >> no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: anyway, i scratched it and i think it got infected so it's taking a while to heal. so i've got a bandaid on my finger. >> really? oh, you can infect it. what did you do? didn't you put on neosporin and clean it out right away? >> stephen: no, i was about 60 miles out to sea, fish guts and all that, very manly. very manly. >> you are very manly. >> stephen: why do you have ricola on my desk? >> i just had it backstage and didn't want to upset my pocket so i put it out here. you want it? >> stephen: i feel like we're about to play poker in prison or something.
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what you got over here? you got ricola, i have a bunch of advil. >> advil, look at that. >> stephen: okay, here we go. what you got? dealer takes two. ( cheers and applause ) >> how much advil do you take? >> stephen: not this many. ( laughter ) >> really? who is hooked on lots of as aspirin every day, he kept taking-- what character in what movie, aspirin junkie. >> stephen: an aspirin junkie? >> yeah, you're not going to get this. >> stephen: is it a comedy? >> no. >> stephen: an aspirin junkie-- >> get the hell out of there, will you? >> stephen: it is william s. burroughs in "naked lunch?" >> no. no, it's not. >> stephen: you don't know the answer. >> i do. ( laughter ) i'm trying to give you a clue, there were two characters, two nefarious characters. >> stephen: leopold and loeb. >> nope. black and white movie, one is played by scott wilson. >> stephen: that does not help in any way. ( laughter ) >> the original book was written by truman capote. >> stephen: oh, okay. "in cold blood." >> yes, that's right. >> stephen: there it is. what do i win?
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>> ricola? ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you very much. >> don't you like a nice ricola? i think these are delicious. >> i like hall's, too. >> stephen: i like that. i'm into the ricola lemon mint, sugar-free. >> i don't know it. >> stephen: the sugar free lemon mint, pop one in between the cheek and gum and get full lemon flavor without having to light up. ( laughter ) >> between the cheek and gum? >> stephen: exactly, the old chaw. >> have you ever chewed tobacco? >> stephen: i went to college in virginia for a couple of years and legally you had to chew tobacco in class. ( laughter ) >> "the mountain," you know who is in the audience is rick alverson, who directed that movie. where is rick alverson and his other half emily? where are they? >> stephen: here they are! thanks for being here. >> he directed the movie! >> stephen: 100%! 100%! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what's "the mountain" about? >> ooh.
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it's about-- i play a guy taken from the real guy-- >> stephen: oh, it's based on a true story? >> based, extrapolated from and sprung poetically off of, i think one may say. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hold on. ( piano riff ) >> that's our show. drive safely. >> stephen: hold on one second. i just want to know, have we recorded any of this so far? ( laughter ) all right, so what happens? >> so here's what happens: my character, it likes, something like the real character, introduced lobotomy to america in the '40s and the '50s. >> stephen: he was the guy who was going around lobotomizing people. was this like through the eye? that thing? >> he's the one who came up with that. it used to be done with a surgeon partner and through the skull. he said forget the surgeon, i'm going to get these ice picks from my refrigerator, i'm going to invent this trans-orbital lobotomy, go in through the eyeball and windshield wiper around a little bit. and he got people at that point,
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like a lot of manly old-style patriarchal men, he got misbehaving housewives and he rounded up active kids and homosexuals and fixed them up with this treatment. ( audience reacts ) gruesome. >> stephen: we have a clip here. can you tell us? you're at a bowling alley for some reason. >> bowling alley, and-- yes. i think i'm given to-- we don't say much in the movie, much of it is subterranean, but my-- my innards are disturbed and i'm doing things on the table and i'm tough and authoritarian in the hospitals, but at home i get drunk and i smoke my pipe-- speaking of tobacco-- and i pick up women and i get this kid with me, played by the excellent ty sheridan, to come along with me and take pictures so we get a chronicle of the whole darn business. and anyway, i take him and he's a virgin at this point, and he's
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a young kid, and-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: that really sounded more like gossip than a description of the movie right now-- this kid's a virgin! ( laughter ) >> the whole thing is exciting. in this scene, i get him his first drink. he's never had a drink. but i get him a drink, and i make him watch-- i'm showing off my skills at, you know-- >> stephen: jim-- hold on one second. jim, for the love of god, roll the clip. ( laughter ) >> there you go. okay. okay. oh! did it go down? did i knock it down? sometimes it goes down. justify that. come here. come here. oh. ♪ ♪ tom collins for the young
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photographer there. ( cheers and applause ) >> look at those colors. look at those siphoned out colors. >> stephen: beautiful. >> listen to that kubrickesque "shining" kind of music. one of the things we do throughout the movie is take the nostalgia glow that's even now supposed to be revisited and found back then and we de-romanticize it. >> stephen: wow. wow. ( laughter ) that one-- that one sentence, this is what i love about you, that one sentence was an emotional roller coaster. ( laughter ) i didn't know where it was going, i didn't know what the next word would be. >> neither did i. i didn't eit >> stephen: i didn't know if i needed to give you c.p.r. i didn't know what was going to happen there. >> boom! >> stephen: boom! >> i live more in ten minutes than most people do in an entire lifetime. >> stephen: i know. >> that's not true. >> stephen: no, it is, it is. >> i'm just showing off.
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>> stephen: i imagine that you, jeff goldblum, really take summer, uh, just by the handle. you wouldn't let summer get away from you because we only get so many. >> you're right. >> stephen: and life, this is where life proves that it is. ( laughter ) now you've got me talking like you. look what you did! i used to make more sense than this. >> the high woman came riding up to the olden door. >> stephen: oh-- uh, the wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees and the moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas and the road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purposing moore as the highwayman came riding and riding up to the olden door over the cobbles. ( cheers and applause ) over the cobbles-- >> fat black bucks in a wine barrel room, barrel house kings with feet unstable, sagged and reeled and pounded on the table, pounded on the table, with the barrel of a drum. boomly, boomly, boomly, boom!
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vachel lindsay. vachel lindsay. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> you know that? >> stephen: we have to take a little bit of a break. ( laughter ) we'll be right back with more jeff goldblum! stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) hey, who are you? oh, hey jeff, i'm a car thief... what?! i'm here to steal your car because, well, that's my job. what? what?? what?! (laughing) what?? what?! what?! [crash] what?! haha, it happens. and if you've got cut-rate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. so get allstate... and be better protected frolike me.... ♪ hvr. you either love it or you really love it.
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(man)n) go home. (woman) banjo! sorry, it won't happen again. come on, let's go home.
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after 10 years, we've covered a lot of miles. good thing i got a subaru. (avo) love is out there. find it in a subaru crosstrek. (avo) get 0% during the subaru a lot to love event.
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> stephen: alfred noyes. alfred noyes. hey, everybody! we're back with our friend, jeff goldblum. ( cheers and applause ) one question here. jeff, what is a jeff goldblum summer? we were talking about that before the break. what is a favorite jeff goldblum summer memory? i have a lot of them. >> this one is jam packed, jam packed. i'm doing all sorts of things. but summer, i love summer. summer saved my life. i was in a school in which i was a fish out of water, a strange fish, and then i went to chatham music day camp. oh, i was in love with every member of the class and i played softball, did drama for the first time, archery, i seemed to be good at everything, badminton and arts and crafts. so when i first told the teacher i don't need your guidance. >> stephen: wow. >> i was very like that. and then carnegie mellon university, that was between fifth and sixth grades. then between ninth and tenth, tenth and eleventh, great summers at carnegie mellon university. '67, '68, that's when i fell in
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love with and became obsessed with acting, unbelievable. and then the first summer after i went to new york, i went to the neighborhood playhouse, and between the first and second year, i went to the delacourt theatre and did my first professional job. "two gentlemen of verona." >> stephen: shakespeare in the park was your first professional gig? >> yes, yes! >> stephen: wow! >> i was 18 years old. john guer adapted the book. mcdermott did the music. raul julia was in it. opening night, the first night of my first professional job, i lost my virginity, speaking of which-- ( cheering ) i was 18. >> stephen: wow. >> it was at the delacourt theatre, it was the biggest hit the shakespeare festival ever had. >> stephen: 18, delacourt theater, lost your virginity. >> yeah. >> stephen: there is no one like jeff goldblum. ( cheers and applause ) congratulations on a youth well spent. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: "the mountain" is in theaters tomorrow. the man, jeff goldblum.
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we'll be right back with aisha tyler. jimmy john's is buying someone a house so they can deliver them a sandwich. read the legal copy below if you must, but we assure you, it will be a real house.
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( cheers and applause )
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( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! folks, my next guest tonight is a comedian and actor you know from "criminal minds," "archer," and "whose line is it anyway." please welcome aisha tyler! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> oh, yeah! oh, hello! wow! thank you! that was-- >> stephen: that was special. >> i dreamt that that happened and it just happened so thank you for that. yeah, that was amazing. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> i'm so happy to be back. >> stephen: welcome back. >> i'm very happy to be here. i had a little impromptu jazz scat session with jeff goldblum backstage. >> stephen: i did, too, for about 14 minutes while i interviewed him. ( laughter )
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>> oh, yes. that was the essence of scat. sounds great. i have no idea what's going on. yeah, he's amazing, he's so brilliant. >> stephen: you've just come back to the country i understand. where have you been? >> i was in europe. so i grew up working class. my family didn't really take vacations. you know what i mean? we didn't have the money to do it. and so i had this idea one day i want to take a vacation and i saved up and took them all at one time. >> stephen: so this is it? >> i'm never doing it again, how stupid. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, where did you go? >> so, i went to scotland, ireland, england, spain, portugal, france and italy. ( cheers and applause ) it was, like, two and a half months. yeah! >> stephen: two and a half months? >> two and a half months, yeah. >> stephen: wow, that's not a vacation. that's fleeing the country. ( laughter ) >> exactly. absconding with my personal effects. >> stephen: so, did you have a favorite? >> it was all so great. i love wine so all of europe worked really great for me. ( laughter ) and scotland is amazing. >> stephen: oh, scottish wine. amazing. ( laughter ) >> scottish wine, you haven't
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had wine 'til you've had it from the scottish grape! >> stephen: speaking of scottish wine, as long as we were on the subject, i was going to talk about this later, but i like a nice cocktail. >> yeah. >> stephen: you like a nice cocktail. i found out you're a fan of the old fashioned. >> i love an old fashioned. it's a great way to enjoy whiskey. >> stephen: you started your own brand called courage and stone. >> there it is, courage and stone, that's my brand of cocktail. >> stephen: it's a pre-mixed old fashioned. >> it's not a mixer. it's ready to drink right out of the bottle. yes, there you go. and our spirits are distilled right here in beautiful brooklyn, new york. it's a local product. i will show you guys i actually was bottling this myself this week here in new york. >> stephen: you literally bottled this yourself? >> i put all of the booze in the bottles with my own two paws. when we say handcrafted, we mean aisha made it. ( laughter ) i love it, he's making me one of my own drinks. this is very exciting, thank you. >> stephen: the thing about old fashioned's is this is pre- mixed. oranges essence in there, it's got bitters. >> oranges essence, cherry
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essence, some bitters, premium whiskey. the great thing is, i created this because i love a nice drink-- oh, thank you barkeep. i love a nice drink, but i get home on a wednesday night, you want a nice drink-- oh, this smells so good. >> stephen: thank you. >> and you don't want to make it. wouldn't it be great to have a drink pre-made in the fridge so you can pour out, you don't have to make a big mess. one drink, not ten. ( laughter ) don't laugh at me. >> stephen: sure. but i like-- so, you pre-mix your cocktails and have them ready when you get home. um, that's a red flag, is what that is. >> no, it's not! ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's a red flag. the reason why is because i like making an old fashioned, and one of the reasons i like it in the summertime is because it takes a long time to make it and it's the only thing that slows me down. ( laughter ) >> i understand. cheers, cheers. >> stephen: mmm, mmm. oh, yes. >> isn't that nice? >> stephen: oh, yes. >> i'm a quality over quantity drinker. i want one great drink when i get home at night so i can chill
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on my couch and put my pinky out and feel very fancy. so this was a way to do this and do it for other people as well. >> stephen: you are-- ( cheers and applause ) cheers. you are-- not too sweet is what i like. >> yeah. >> stephen: you are in the beloved "archer" and you were just out of comic-con. >> i was, yes. >> stephen: i've been to comic- con once before. it is an amazing experience out in san diego. the big one out there. are you used to that level of people fanning at you? >> i love it not because i'm an egotist-- >> stephen: doesn't hurt. >> it doesn't hurt to be. ( laughter ) but i was those people. i was such a nerdy kid and i loved movies and video games and i played a lot. my mom used to take me in the library saturday morning and leave me there all day and i would look at weird pathology books and pictures of growths and goiters and stuff like that. >> stephen: you go to the anatomy section. >> i looked at-- like the moculus, what's that about? that was my favorite section when i was a kid. >> stephen: you say you're a
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nerd, you a science fiction fan? >> i loved sci-fi so much when i was a kid. >> stephen: new season of "archer" is in space. >> we are in space. >> stephen: would you go to space? >> i would absolutely go to space! i fantasize about it so much. although when you're a did you think you just zip into space like on "star trek." >> stephen: sure. >> when in reality, if i left for space now i would die around mars and never get to where i was going. could i make it to mars? i think i could make it to the moon. >> stephen: you seem pretty tough. >> thank you. >> stephen: i do not have the muscle tone to survive blastoff. ( laughter ) i think i would just liquefy in the seat going up. it's like 25 gs. >> it's apparently very high. i just subscribed, there's a master class from a space ship guy-- that's not how you call them. ( laughter ) what are they called? >> stephen: i want to be a spaceship guy. >> space man! >> stephen: exactly! i believe neil armstrong was the first spaceship guy on the moon. ( laughter ) >> he talks about what it's like to fly into space. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> and it sounds terrifying. >> stephen: a master class in astronauting? >> yeah, in astronauting. >> stephen: what do you get in the end? a certificate of--?
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>> you get nothing. you get nothing, stephen. >> stephen: i see these master classes you can buy online all the time. they kind of look interesting. really good people doing it. >> they're fascinating. >> stephen: what do you get when you join one of those? >> you get the ability to lord your newfound knowledge over your friends and make them feel stupid. ( laughter ) >> stephen: if you had to teach one of these master classes, what would it be in? >> oh, i would love to-- i probably would do it on standup or layperson cocktail making, like building a home bar. because i built an incredible home bar. before i did this, i was learning how to be my own bartender so i had a beautiful home bar. or maybe one on navigating places when you're really tall and trying not to scare babies and dogs. ( laughter ) >> stephen: thank you very much for the cocktail. happy summer. courageandstone.com for the whiskey and the season finale of "archer" airs this wednesday on fxx. ( cheers and applause ) aisha tyler, everybody! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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well well well, what have we ♪here? a magical place...that's lookin' to get scared! with bats...and ghouls...and cars in disguise. i've cast quite a spell now... you won't believe your eyes! the spell is cast. halloween time is back with spook-tacular experiences in disneyland and disney california adventure parks!... >> stephen: now stick around for james corden, please. good night! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: flagship store will also feature jeffrey the giraffe lying in state. too sad, but thank you. >> jon: wow. >> stephen: look, he did say he didn't want to grow up. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, no! >> let's do it just to hear them groan.
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>> stephen: sure. it's in. ( laughter ) you-- i work with the heart of darkness! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show

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