tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 26, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
the late show with stephen colbert is next. >> and our next show is tomorrow at 4:30. have a good night. ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs >> who will face off in the next democratic debates? two nights. ten candidates each night. watch the lineup take shape in an unprecedented live event: the draw for the cnn democratic debates. >> but before the draw, cnn presents the draw draw, where we draw to see how we draw for the draw. will it be wolf blitzer slathered in honey and rolled in candidate photographs? ( laughter ) whoever sticks to his chest is on the first night, on his abs the second. mitch cuomo sitting on eggs? the order they hatch is the order they are drawn. john king strapped to the wheel of chaos? or simply david guegin flipping a coin-- over a bed of knives! it's all happening on cnn this
wednesday on the draw draw, right after "draw draw draw love island." ( laughter ) >> announcer: it's the late show with stephen colbert! tonight, condemn-ocrats! plus, stephen welcomes: sofia vergara. david cross. and musical guest tove lo. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whooo! ( applause ) lovely. please, have a seat, everybody. thank you very much. very kind. welcome one and all to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. the big story--
( cheers and applause ) the big story, as we all know, is that people are still talking about was trump's tweet about four freshman congresswomen racist? well, i say if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it probably just told the geese to go back to canada. ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) so, last night, the house of representatives passed a resolution condemning trump for his racist comments. that's right, mr. president. a formal condemnation! ( laughter ) you watch your step, mister. or next they will hit you with a notarized complaint and then boom, a ceremonial rebuke. ( laughter ) now, all the democrats voted for the condemnation, along with four republicans: representative fred upton of michigan, susan w. brooks of indiana, ryan
fitzpatrick of pennsylvania, and will hurd of texas. or-- ( cheers and applause ) yeah. or as they will soon be known, "freaky fred, lazy susan, bitchy brian, and, i'm going to guess the black guy is frederick douglass? i don't know." ( audience reacts ) >> jon: my goodness. missed on that one. >> stephen: now, now, fun fact-- or fact. i don't know how fun it is. fun fact. this is the first time that a sitting president has been censured by either house of congress since 1912, when the senate censured william howard taft for eating a congressional page. ( laughter ) yeah. but somehow trump somehow saw the vote as a victory, tweeting, "so great to see how unified the republican party was on today's
vote concerning statements i made about four democrat congresswomen. the republican vote was 187-4. wow!" ( laughter ) "so great. yes, we lost, but i covered the spread." now these four congresswomen are known in washington as... the squad. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) and trump went after the squad directly, tweeting, "they are now the top-most dot-dot-dot- dot-dot-dot-dot visible members of the house democrats who are now wedded to this bitterness and hate." wedded to bitterness and hate. you know it is serious when trump starts quoting his marriage vows. ( laughter )
( cheers and applause ) and do you? it is a delicate dance for the republicans to defend obvious racism but they make it look easy. ( laughter ) and, and stupid. take, take pennsylvania representative and man whose eyebrows don't match the drapes... ( laughter ) mike kelly. kelly said of democrats, "they talk about people of color? i'm a person of color. i'm white." ( laughter ) yeah, yeah! i'm also a minority because there are very few people dumb enough to say what i just said." mister! put 'em up! he stupided on, "i'm an anglo- saxon.
with a name like mike kelly, you can't be from any place else but ireland." holy stupid! ( laughter ) irish people are many things, kelly. one thing they are definitely not is anglo-saxons. you know how i know this? if my family were anglo-saxons the anglo-saxons wouldn't have driven my family off their land to go west of the river shannon to farm rocks. you are officially kicked out of being irish. please, turn in your erin go bragh button, your notre dame pendant and your box of lucky charms. oh, yes. ( cheers and applause ) yes. >> jon: that stereotype, for real? >> stephen: stereotypes are true, jon. all we eat is lucky charms. ( laughter ) we make a spoon out of potato and eat our lucky charms. >> jon: i believe it. >> stephen: and from one american of irish ancestry to
another, mr. kelly, we are not people of color. under this makeup, my skin tone is uncooked calamari, okay? ( laughter ) i am translucent. you shine a flashlight on me and a rainbow comes out the other side. ( laughter ) but perhaps the dullest knife in the republican drawer is presidential son and man who has got big gums and he cannot lie, eric trump. here is what eric told the fox & friends today. >> my father is in there and he's fighting every day, he has to fight against the media. and he has to fight against these lunatics and guys, i'm telling you-- 95% of this country is behind him in this message. >> stephen: yeah, 95%-- ( laughter ) i'm telling you. ( laughter ) no.
95% is behind my dad, okay? ( laughter ) okay, you better check my math, okay. he lost the popular vote, okay. >> jon: uh-huh. >> stephen: lowest approval rating of all time... and it's a bunny! hi, mr. bunny! dad, can i keep him? wait, come back! come back, mr. bunny. come back. come back! i love you! i love you! i love you. ( laughter ) they always leave. scene. ( cheers and applause ) there's one big story we haven't talked about since coming back from our break, and it is about
millionaire financier and guy with a walk-in closet just for his skeletons, jeffrey epstein. epstein was recently arrested and accused of sex trafficking of minors. it is a disturbing story and there is a mountain of evidence that this guy is guilty. dozens of women have come forward, pornographic images were found in his home and we've learned that to cover his track, he shipped himself a large paper shredder and a carpet and tile extractor. yeah, he bought them at bed, bath and obviously guilty. ( laughter ) epstein-- this is a bit of strange detail here-- epstein even owns a mysterious private island, which he nicknamed little st. jeff's. which locals refer to as pedophile island and orgy island. huh, that might be a clue. ( laughter ) "excuse me sir, we're investigating a murder in the neighborhood, have you seen any suspicious activity?" "i haven't, might want to check with the guy who lives over at the stabby shack."
( laughter ) epstein defended himself back in 2011 saying, "i am not a sexual predator. i'm an offender. it is the difference between a murderer and a person who steals a bagel." those are not the same thing. ( laughter ) here is how i know. no one has ever come to my door to say "hello, i just moved to the neighborhood and i'm required by the court to inform you that i once stole a cinnamon raisin bagel with a schmear." epstein has been doing this for decades. back in the 1970's he taught at the elite private school dalton, where he is known for violating norms in his encounters with girls and wandering the halls in a fur coat, gold chains and an open shirt that exposed his chest. what did he teach? ( laughter ) intro to pimping? ( laughter ) after he stopped teaching, epstein became a hedgefund manager who rubbed elbows with famous people like bill clinton, woody allen and crown prince mohammed bin salman, as well as superstar attorney alan
dershowitz, who admits to getting a massage at epstein's mansion, but he said it wasn't from an underaged girl but an old, old russian. ( laughter ) and, brace yourselves for this detail. >> i kept my underwear on during the massage. >> stephen: now-- ( laughter ) some have doubted the truth of dershowitz's story, but in a "late show" exclusive we have tracked down the woman who massaged alan dershowitz. come on out, shirley! shirley, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. please, right down there. nothing to be afraid of. we're all your friends. shirley, thank you for being here. and i'm only asking to verify his story. how old are you?
>> i'm 27. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you're 27 years old? why do you look so old? >> i-- i saw alan dershowitz in his underwear. ( laughter ) >> stephen: shirley, everybody. alan dershowitz's masseuse. ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much, shirley. jon, how about a little traveling music? ♪ ♪ ( applause ) heartbreaking. of course, those weren't epstein's only buddies. no circle of rich and creepy men is complete without donald trump. ( audience reacts ) that's right. epstein, clinton, dershowitz, trump, we have achieved full mount touch-more. ( laughter ) ( applause ) trump-- a family joke. worth it, there you go. trump was a fan of epstein's work. back in 2002 he called epstein
"a terrific guy" and said "he's a lot of fun to be with. it is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as i do. and many of them are on the younger side." many of them on the younger side? that's not a fun quirk about your friend. that's a red flag. "my pal jeff dahmer is a lot of fun to be with, it is even said he loves people as much as i do. many of them on the medium rare side." ( laughter ) but now-- ( laughter ) alan dershowitz. ( cheers and applause ) alan dershowitz: "i ate one person but, very, very old and gristly." ( laughter ) but now that epstein is in trouble, trump has changed his tune. just last week, he had this to say about his old buddy. >> i wasn't a big fan of jeffrey epstein.
i didn't want anything to do with him. it shows you one thing, that i have good taste, okay. i was not a fan of jeffrey epstein. >> stephen: i'm not a fan. i prefer sexual predators who weren't captured. ( laughter ) this morning-- ( cheers and applause ) quality. >> jon: quality joke. quality. >> stephen: this morning nbc dug up some archival footage of trump not being a fan of epstein back in 1992. coffee joe morning's mika tells the tale. >> a tape in the nbc archives of a mar-a-lago party shows trump giving epstein his personal attention. the footage, shot in november of 1992, before trump opened the resort of the club, shows the future president surrounded by cheerleaders for the buffalo bills and miami dolphins, capturing trump's fun-loving bachelor lifestyle. ( laughter )
( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i'm sorry, that clip should come with a warning. "contains graphic imagery of donald trump dancing." ( laughter ) okay, i'm ready now, i'm ready. can we see that arrhythmic juddering again? mmm, yeah, feel the beat. mm, yeah, mmmm, yeah. feel the beat, then just ignore it and kind of snap and drag your feet back and forth. hey, ladies. ♪ ♪ mmmm, mmmm, mmmm. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
after that, trump hung out with his very special party guests. >> later in the footage trump is seen talking to epstein and another man, as women are dancing in front of them. trump alternates between dancing and pointing out women to epstein and the other man, and telling epstein about the cameras. then, trump says something else into epstein's ear that makes him double over with laughter. >> stephen: i'm pretty sure he said "i'm going to be president one day." ( laughter ) we have got a great show for you tonight. sofia vergara is here. but when we return, which democrat has got the dollah dollah bills, y'all. stick around. boost mobile has a super reliable,super fast network, so you can stay connected almost anywhere. like up here at lookout point.
but there's more... switch now and get 4 free phones for your family. hashtag first date! he ain't family yet. but there's more... you also get 4 lines for just $100 a month with unlimited gigs so you can stay close to your loved ones. cut your hair, hippie. switch to boost mobile and get 4 free lg stylo™ 5 phones, 4 lines for $100 a month with unlimited gigs, all on our super reliable, super fast nationwide network.
did you know you can save money by using dish soap to clean grease on more than dishes? try dawn ultra. dawn is for more than just dishes. with 3x more grease cleaning power per drop, it tackles tough grease on a variety of surfaces. try dawn ultra. so chantix can help you quit slow turkey.key. along with support, chantix is proven to help you quit. with chantix you can keep smoking at first and ease into quitting. chantix reduces the urge so when the day arrives, you'll be more ready to kiss cigarettes goodbye. when you try to quit smoking, with or without chantix, you may have nicotine withdrawal symptoms. stop chantix and get help right away if you have changes in behavior or thinking, aggression, hostility, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts or actions,
seizures, new or worse heart or blood vessel problems, sleepwalking, or life-threatening allergic and skin reactions. decrease alcohol use. use caution driving or operating machinery. tell your doctor if you've had mental health problems. the most common side effect is nausea. quit smoking slow turkey. talk to your doctor about chantix.
♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey friend, jon batiste and say human, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry, jon, i'm sorry, jon. however awkwardly you try to dance, compared to donald trump, you are baryshnikov. sofia vergara is here, right over there talking us to and our friend david cross will be here today. but before we do that, i am over here because we had too much monologue. please have a seat, everybody. it is more monologue time, it is a craze sweeping the nation. >> jon: its a's happening. >> stephen: right off the bean we are going to get into this, big updates from the 2020
election race, and i will tell you all about them in tonight's "doing it donkey style." >> abolish ice! ( applause ) >> stephen: the democratic candidates have been hitting the fundraising trail and we have some surprising results. the number one money maker this last quarter was pete buttigieg. ( cheers and applause ) who raked in a whopping $24.9 million. that is a lot of buttigieg butti-bread right there. he is even raking in cash in the big apple where he raised more money from new york city residents than new york mayor bill de blasio. now, i will admit that sounds bad, that does not sound good, that sounds bad. until you consider the full headline says pete buttigieg raised more money from new york city residents then bill de blasio got nationwide. ouch. yowch! mayor de blasio, you may not get the job you are applying for, but the good news is there might
soon be an opening in south bend, indiana, because the dairy queen is hiring for the summer. it is seasonal work, but you get free samples. we also found out which celebrities gave to which campaigns, we learned that actress gwyneth paltrow hosted a fundraiser for buttigieg at her home. she personally donated $2,800 which is enough to go on goop and buy half an ounce of cellular repair crystals. ( laughter ) pete wasn't alone in nabbing big celebrity donors. elizabeth warren saw donations from bette midler, ryan reynolds and shonda rhimes. shonda rhimes? that is bold, for a candidate that associates themselves with "scandal." ( laughter ) maybe, perhaps the most surprising news is that steve buscemi gave bill de blasio's presidential campaign $5,600. steve?
are you okay? ( laughter ) i just pray you are researching a role where you play a man who goes insane and votes for bill de blasio. ( laughter ) we'll be right back, with sofia vergara. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ here i go again on my own ♪ goin' down the only road i've ever known ♪ ♪ like a drifter i was-- ♪ born to walk alone! ...barb! you left me hangin' on the high harmony there. if you ride, you get it. geico motorcycle. 15 minutes could save you 15% or more. that life of the party look. walk it off look. one more mile look. reply all look. own your look- with fewer lines.
there's only one botox® cosmetic. it's the only one fda-approved to temporarily make frown lines, crow's feet, and forehead lines look better. the effects of botox® cosmetic may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems, or muscle weakness may be a sign of a life-threatening condition. do not receive botox® cosmetic if you have a skin infection. side effects may include allergic reactions, injection-site pain, headache, eyebrow, eyelid drooping, and eyelid swelling. tell your doctor about your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions, and medications including botulinum toxins as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. so give that just saw a puppy look. and- whatever that look is. look like you with fewer lines. delivered to your car door so you can do more.et. more refill. more recharge. more relax.
( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. folks. folks. that's right, give it up for the band right over there, one more time, one more time for the band right over there. ( cheers and applause ) you know my first guest as gloria on "modern family." she now stars in the new film "bottom of the ninth." please welcome back to the "late show" sofia vergara.
( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ nice to see you again, so lovely to have you back. >> thank you so much for having me, i am very happy to be here. >> stephen: i want to thank you for two things. >> what? >> stephen: the last time that you were here, no it is all good. the last time you were here you have your own intimate apparel line. >> yes, e.b.y. >> stephen: e.b.i. what does it stand for? >> e.b.i. is for empowered by you. >> stephen: okay, and so it is like... >> a line of underwear that you get on, how do you say, on the mail. >> stephen: yes, all the best underwear comes through the mail, by the way, all the very best underwear. >> okay. >> stephen: in an unmarked package. >> so and we are empowering
women all over the world because we give them 10% of the profit. >> stephen: the people who are actually making it, which is fantastic. >> no, not that people that are making it, we are paying them but we are also helping-- yeah, we are. but we are empowering them. no, we are also, we have a foundation that we empower women to create their own businesses. >> stephen: that is wonderful. >> i brought you, i brought you. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i didn't realize. >> i brought some. >> stephen: is this it? >> yeah. >> stephen: the second thing i want to thank you for is that i wanted to thank you for giving me a reason to explain to my wife why a beautiful woman gave me thong underwear. ( laughter ) that was very enjoyable. >> well, this time i didn't bring you thong. i brought you with more coverage. because now-- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that, that-- >> we have all the sizes from like extra small to 3x, and now this is not just a little, you
know, sexy thong. this will hold anything, anything. anything, you want. >> stephen: if i go camping, i will use this to make a tent, thank you very much. that's very-- i love that. >> and look at the print, super- sexy, so you don't feel like are you wearing a diaper or anything or like a-- . >> stephen: and if i am on safari i can hide in the tall grass in my leopard print, thank you very much. >> they're waterproof, no, i'm kidding. >> stephen: what is this one? >> this one is a pickle. >> stephen: it is-- sorry, what is it again? >> a peacock. >> stephen: peacock. thank you very much, that is one word for it. okay. now-- >> they're fantastic, i love them. >> stephen: they are amazing. they feel wonderful. >> i am very proud of them. >> stephen: now is your lovely husband here? >> my lovely husband is here, yeah, we are very happy, we're on vacation. and we're promoting this movie together. so we are both in new york. and we're going back to l.a. soon. >> stephen: you were just in italy. >> in italy, yeah.
>> stephen: right there. >> yeah. we spend almost two weeks there, going crazy, eating like animals. >> stephen: wow, eating like animal >> yeah, like we were counting and like when we were on the plane, and the numbers were really not good. >> stephen: what numbers? >> like we were there 12 days, and we each had two bowls of pasta a day. it was like 22 bowls of pasta each! >> stephen: 44 bowls of pasta. >> yeah, it's like, i regret it right now, this is not what i was wearing today but you know, it is a little tight. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you wear it well. you wear it well. this is exciting. have you ever performed with your husband before? >> no, this is the first time. >> stephen: so you show up with your husband in the new film "bottom of the ninth." i am assume it's a baseball movie, tell what it is about. >> well, it's a movie about-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: can you not tell me? is it like-- >> i am an idiot.
i have been having a problem the whole day remembering these words. so i wrote it in my finger, in my hand but i have my glasses on. no-- . >> stephen: i will whisper it in your ear. >> it's my english. okay. so-- >> stephen: what is the movie about? >> so it was a movie about revenge-tion. ( laughter ) i wrote it so tiny when i had my glasses on. i'm an idiot, i'm jet lag, i'm sorry it is about revenge but i kept thinking constipation, like congestion, and like everything. >> stephen: it covers everything, everything. >> no, it is a movie about redemption! it is about a man who was supposed to have a great career with the yankees and everything went wrong when he was young.
and then with the new york yankees. >> stephen: okay. >> i thought were you confused. >> stephen: i was not confused at all. >> okay. >> stephen: i was delighted to you have here. >> okay, thank you so much. and so then, i'm going to go on. >> stephen: please. >> so then the movie is about this, about redemption, this man that wanted to be in the yankees and something happened, he went to jail, he comes back, he wants a second chance. and i'm in the movie. >> stephen: are you his second chance? >> i am-- i was-- i don't know-- i was the girlfriend before he went to jail. and so he comes back and he is starting to, you know, see what is happening, and i show up. and i am a math teacher from the bronx. and i thought it was a perfect role for me, you know, an actress that worked in a show like "modern family," we don't have that much time to do movies because we have a small hiatus. so i'm always looking for a movie that i can really, you know, get in, and that year i
didn't have anything. so i was like watching him cast this movie. and i'm like, "that part should be for me ." >> stephen: we have a clip here, can you tell us what is going on here? >> let me see what is it? >> stephen: i can't show it to you without showing it to them. the clip is about redemption. >> it is about redemption. so you know-- >> stephen: okay it is, two of you are outside a school. >> at the school, yes, yes and we are at the school and he wants, you know, to start his new life. and i want to help him. i want to, you know, i'm not thinking anything romantic at that point with him. i just want, you know, i feel nostalgic and i think i want to help him. so this is what is happening right here, still nothing crazy is going on. no contraception is needed at that point. ( laughter ) >> stephen: redemption, contraception? jim! >> hey, what are you doing out here? >> waiting for my lyft. >> your lyft.
>> my ride is going to be here in one minute. >> what do you mean, how can you tell? >> look at this, that little car. >> for real? >> technology. any luck with the classes? >> i'm going to take this stupid aptitude test. >> you didn't even hand it in? >> no, i guess i wasn't ready for it. >> you know what? maybe i do need to help you. >> i love it, i love the role! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "bottom of the ninth" is in theaters this friday. sofia vergara, everybody. we'll be right back with david cross. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
hey, who are you? oh, hey jeff, i'm a car thief... what?! i'm here to steal your car because, well, that's my job. what? what?? what?! (laughing) what?? what?! what?! [crash] what?! haha, it happens. and if you've got cut-rate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. so get allstate... and be better protected from mayhem... like me. ♪ i wanted more that's why i've got the power of 1 2 3 medicines with trelegy. the only fda-approved 3-in-1 copd treatment. ♪ trelegy. the power of 1-2-3.
♪ trelegy 1-2-3 trelegy. with trelegy and the power of 1 2 3, i'm breathing better. trelegy works 3 ways to open airways, keep them open and reduce inflammation for 24 hours of better breathing. trelegy won't replace a rescue inhaler for sudden breathing problems. trelegy is not for asthma. tell your doctor if you have a heart condition or high blood pressure before taking it. do not take trelegy more than prescribed. trelegy may increase your risk of thrush, pneumonia, and osteoporosis. call your doctor if worsened breathing, chest pain, mouth or tongue swelling, problems urinating, vision changes, or eye pain occur. think your copd medicine is doing enough? maybe you should think again. ask your doctor about once-daily trelegy and the power of 1 2 3. ♪ trelegy 1-2-3 save at trelegy.com and take 25% off select adidas for the family! plus - everyone gets kohl's cash! take 25% off adidas apparel... save on adidas shoes... and adidas backpacks are just $41.25. plus - free amazon returns now at all kohl's stores!
kohl's. ((cat 2) fwhoa- so many choices! (cat 1) look- extra gravy! (cat 2) and lil' soups! (cat 1) there's the shreds! (cat 2) yeah friskies has it all. (cat 1) i want it all- can i have it all? (vo) feed their fantasy. friskies. ♪ apple card is here. and here. it's a new kind of credit card. created by apple, not a bank. with a better way to track where you spend. daily cash you get back every day. and a new level of privacy and security. nice. ♪
♪ the next american chinese original is here. new sichuan hot chicken. for a heart breaking limited time only at panda express. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. ladies, ladies and gentlemen, folks, my next guest is a comedian and actor you know from "arrested development" and "mr. show." please welcome back to the "late show" david cross. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ hi. >> hello, how are you? >> stephen: i'm doing well, and yourself? >> good, i wanted to
congratulate you, pretty quickly. >> stephen: on? >> on, i'm so rarely up in this part of manhattan and new york and i was coming up the subway here and coming out, and i saw the big, you know, marquee, "late show with stephen colbert." >> stephen: yeah. >> and just congrats on that, man, that's great. >> stephen: thanks very much, yeah. >> because i-- yeah, because-- >> stephen: thank you very much, yeah, we want to let people know where i was. >> and that it is official now. the filling in time is over, it's official. >> stephen: first three years i was paper mache, it was a pinata, actually. >> oh, cool, did you ever get-- >> stephen: just yesterday when we were nominated for the emmys, we went whack, whack. >> and what was in there, congratulations. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah, rats, it is new york. >> candied rats. and i want to congratulate the audience as well.
>> stephen: sure, yeah. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> you know. >> stephen: all of these people are here tonight because they won an essay contest. i was reminded earlier that you and i had dinner on the lower east side, at a place called franks. >> yeah. >> stephen: and probably with paul dinello, one of our other mutual friends here, and you remember that dinner differently than i do, i was told today. >> i don't know what your remembrance of it is. >> stephen: almost none. >> well, i do, and i'm being completely sincere when i say this, it is a story that i've told often, one of my wife's favorite stories. we were out at dinner and tell me if you remember this.
>> stephen: it is beginning to. >> okay, so we were at franks on second avenue in the east village. so then i'm talking to you. and the whole time you are like this. ( laughter ) and i'm continuing to talk, continuing to talk, and it takes me a little while to notice. and what i love about it is the absolute commitment to the bit which i totally respect from anybody. but it went on for awhile, took me a good few minutes. >> stephen: how long are we talking? >> close to seven hours. no, it was honestly, it was enough, it was enough time to make it awkward and weird. and it was several minutes. because i'm talking, jibber jabber, and telling this story. and then, you are not looking at me, just right off my shoulder, and then i finally noticed and i even addressed it, you don't respond, you don't break, and then eventually i go like, that
and there is a giant picture mirror of, and stephen is just looking at himself, like-- ( laughter ) and it was great. and it-- ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i vaguely remember that. i'm glad you enjoyed it. >> i did enjoy it. and it is honestly one of my favorite memories. >> stephen: thank you very much. >> it became more, the more successful you got, the more i enjoyed the story. >> stephen: you have a new album. it is called "oh, come on." okay. >> yeah. ( cheers and applause ) yeah. this is the result of the tour that i was plugging last time i was on the show. >> stephen: okay. and now this is the first album you have put out since you had your first child, your daughter. >> yeah. >> stephen: did it change the way you do comedy, or did it change anything about your subject matter or anything? >> yeah, sure, and i see the world a little differently now, there's more of a sense of urgency to what i think is important.
and i mean, it is not all dad jokes, just so you know. the special, it is into the-- >> stephen: are there any dad jokes? >> yeah, roughly a third of it, but, i think, but yeah, but i mean like things like when my daughter was born-- and i say "daughter," we don't know yet. but-- you never know. it is up to her, him, they, z, whatever. but you know, you say that you have a kid and everybody is like congratulations. and i'm-- that always bothered me, even before i had a kid. i haven't done anything to be congratulated for yet. you know, i mean i barely had anything to do with it in the first place. my wife, had an affair and-- no, no, no, no, no. >> stephen: you had to think about it. >> no, it's like, we don't know
how she's going to turn out yet. you know. parents, really smart, good, decent people, well-intentioned, you can be as well-intentioned as you want but you know, they could turn out to be a bit of a bitch, you know. so and you know, we're going to try, obviously. we're not going to intentionally raise a t.s.a. agent, but you never know what will-- you never know. you never know. never know. >> stephen: is there a sketch you wrote once that god and did it and are you like we can't show that to people, it is just too dark or too strange, we cannot show that. >> that we ever shot, no, no, a sketch that we shot that we never got-- >> stephen: yes, that you shot and. >> no, not-- not that i know of, no. >> stephen: okay. all right. okay. you don't have to. >> i feel like you are putting me on the spot. >> stephen: i'm not, but it kind
of my job to ask you questions that maybe puts you off balance. >> well, maybe you are a fake news guy. yeah. ( audience reacts ) my cup, my cup! my cup! what have you done to my cup! noooooo! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: "oh, come on," is available now. david cross, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by tove lo. ♪ ♪
it runs on doritos. want to tr[dog barks]me machine? okay. yes! [humming, thumping] this is the greatest moment of my life! get out of my yard! [birds chirping] jimmy? you're so old. [crunch!] liberty mutual customizes your car insurance, so you only pay for what you need. i wish i could shake your hand. granted. only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ s before she puts them in the dishwasher. so what does the dishwasher do? (vo) cascade platinum does the work for you. prewashing and removing stuck-on foods, the first time. (mom) wow! that's clean! (vo) cascade platinum. ♪
♪ of certain cancers clater in life.k ♪ from an infection, human papillomavirus i knew that hpv could lead to certain cancers. i knew her risk for hpv increases as she gets older. i knew there was a vaccine available that could help protect her before she could be exposed to hpv. i knew. so i talked to my child's doctor. now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, don't wait. talk to your child's doctor today. for that many calories you uld have 9 veggie chips. these are more chip than veggie. while v8 is a snack you can veg out on. v8 the origveg up.ant powered drink.
this is something bigger.g. that is big. not as big as that. big. bigger. big. bigger. this is big. and that's bigger. in a jimmy john's delivery zone. and you realize, holy moly, we won a house in a jimmy john's delivery zone. enter to win a house at jimmyjohns.com. because sandwich. enter to win a house at jimmyjohns.com. the hazelnut spread m&m'sve all been wspokescandy! (clapping) (audience gasps) oh my what did you do?? (giggles) we ate him.
how do you get skin happy aveeno® with prebiotic oat. it hydrates and softens skin. so it looks like this... and you feel like this. aveeno® daily moisturizer get skin happy™ number one in overall network performance.full of "awards". highest in wireless network quality performance. highest in wireless network quality performance in the north central region. it's hard to know what to think. that's why sprint's doing things differently and offering a new one hundred percent total satisfaction guarantee. so, you can try out the network, see the savings and decide for yourself. switch to sprint and get both an unlimited plan and one of the newest phones included for just thirty-five dollars a month. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com.
♪ ♪ >> ♪ he's gone he's gone ♪ you're better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ he's gone he's gone ♪ you're better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ i got a girlfriend she's got a boyfriend ♪ she calls me crying every day 'cause they got problems ♪ he likes complaining she's compromising coming to me for real advice when he just playing ♪ i can tell she loves him way too deep ♪ he loves being super hard to please ♪ cover the basics it's pretty easy ♪ he's a bitch with some expectations ♪ did you get down on his birthday? ♪ yup did you let him leave a ♪ necklace? yup ♪ or did you show him all your crazy? ♪ no blow him up on the weekends? ♪ hmm did you give in to his ego? ♪ just to give a little confidence? ♪ i think you know it's time to let go ♪ you're better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ my baby never no tears for that sucker ♪ only one love that's a bummer ♪ dancing all night get guys' numbers ♪ better off i'm glad that he's gone
♪ he's gone baby, no tears for that sucker ♪ we'll never go dry this whole summer ♪ wanna get over get under ♪ you're better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ he's gone, he's gone you're better off ♪ i'm glad that he's gone he's gone ♪ bitch, i love you he never loved you ♪ he never saw the pretty things in you that i do ♪ i missed your madness you're kinda ratchet ♪ we used to go out every night get into bad things ♪ you and me under each other's wing ♪ we were free 'til he spoiled everything ♪ cover the basics it's pretty easy ♪ he's a bitch with some expectations ♪ did you get down on his birthday? ♪ yup did you let him ♪ leave a necklace? yup ♪ or did you show him all your crazy? ♪ no blow him up on the weekends? ♪ hmm did you give in to his ego? ♪ yup just to give a little ♪ confidence? no ♪ i think you know it's time to let go ♪ you're better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ my baby never no tears for that sucker
♪ only one love that's a bummer ♪ dancing all night get guys' numbers ♪ better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ he's gone baby, no tears for that sucker ♪ we'll never go dry this whole summer ♪ wanna get over, get under better off ♪ i'm glad that he's gone he's gone ♪ he's gone you're better off ♪ i'm glad that he's gone you and me ♪ under each other's wing but he spoiled everything ♪ bitch, i love you he never loved you ♪ he never loved you my baby ♪ never no tears for that sucker only one love ♪ that's a bummer dancing all night ♪ get guys' numbers better off ♪ i'm glad that he's gone baby, no tears for that sucker ♪ we'll never go dry this whole summer ♪ wanna get over, get under we get under ♪ better off i'm glad that he's gone ♪ he's gone he's gone ♪ he's gone you're better off
♪ i'm glad that he's gone he's gone ♪ he's gone you're better off ♪ i'm glad that he's gone he's gone ♪ he's gone you're better off ♪ i'm glad that he's gone he's gone ♪ he's gone you're better off ♪ i'm glad that he's gone ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: tove lo, everybody! we'll be right back. ♪
a magical place...that's lookin' to get scared! with bats...and ghouls...and cars in disguise. i've cast quite a spell now... you won't believe your eyes! the spell is cast. halloween time is back with spook-tacular experiences in disneyland and disney california adventure parks!... to the wait did frowe just win-ners. prouders everyone uses their phone differently. that's why xfinity mobile let's you design your own data. now you can share it between lines. mix with unlimited, and switch it up at anytime so you only pay for what you need. it's a different kind of wireless network designed to save you money. save up to $400 a year on your wireless bill. plus get $250 back when you buy a new samsung note. click, call or visit a store today.