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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  August 27, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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colbert is next. our next newscast is tomorrow morning at 4:30. we will see you then. captioning sponsored by cbs >> now to the big story. motown showdown. >> detroit now in the national spotlight for the second round of democratic debates. >> the democratic debates came to motor city, and now motown is celebrating them back with this soulful new collection: "motown sings the debates." it's all your favorite tunes it's all the classic talking points from the democratic debates in song. ( sung to "papa was a rolling stone" ) ♪ papa has a kidney stone he's got no insurance so he's on his own ♪ but bernie's got a plan so papa won't loose his home ♪ ( sung to "my girl" tune ) ♪ she's got crystals
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and magic sprays ♪ she'll keep the dark psychic forces far away ♪ well, i guess you'd say ♪ what kind of candidate talks this way? ♪ ♪ marianne williamson ♪ talkin' about marianne she knows oprah! ♪ ( sung to "got to have your loving" tune) ♪ baby, he knows obama got to have barack obama ♪ has joe mentioned he knows obama? ♪ yes, he's really tight with obama ♪ ( sung to "heard it through the grapevine" tune) ♪ i bet you're wondering if we knew ♪ michael bennett was running too ♪ with some other guy named jay
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inslee ♪ also, who's john delaney? it was a surprise to our eyes to our eyes ♪ just who the hell are all these guys? are these guys? ♪ today, i saw them for the first time ♪ >> and of course, this moving tribute to the host of the debates, cnn. ( sung to "abc" tune) ♪ cnn will these debates ever end? ♪ your coverage i can't commend cnn please stop interrupting them ♪ >> announcer: it's "the late show," live! with stephen colbert. tonight, deja-bait. plus, stephen welcomes: rahm emanuel. and michael ian black. featuring live jon batiste and stay human! and now, live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whoo! welcome back! come on! wooo! welcome! yeah, baby! wooo! oh, come on! oh, come on! >> audience: stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: perfect! perfect! hey, everybody, how are you? up there. down here. what a lovely house. what a lovely audience we've got tonight. ( cheers and applause ) please, have a seat, everybody. thanks so much. welcome. in here, over there. out there. one and all. welcome, everybody. woo! welcome to the "late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert, and we, right now--
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( cheers and applause ) we are live after night two of the second round of democratic debates that we're calling: "democratic debate night: 2 many candidates 2 remember: forget harder 2! "this time it's not all white people." once again-- ( cheers and applause ) once again, the debate was moderated by jake tapper, dana bash and don lemon-- or, as they're known throughout america, "where's anderson cooper?" ( laughter ) last night, last night, we saw bernie sanders and elizabeth warren, the two leading progressives. tonight, it was all about the moderates, baby! it was the tempest of the centrists! it was the rage for incremental change! ( laughter ) though it did get contentious at times tonight. and-- am i right about this? we have some footage of joe
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biden in a spirited disagreement with senators gillibrand and harris. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: took me by surprise. that was, of course, after joe biden broke the ice with harris right off the top. >> go easy on me, kid. >> stephen: to which harris responded, "i hope you're wearing a cup." ( laughter ) who else? tulsi gabbard was there, too, apparently to welcome everyone to heaven. ( laughter ) the opening statements opened with bill de blasio. >> we can make change in this country. i know from personal experience it can be done. when i became the mayor of the nation's largest city...
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>> stephen: "the subway used to work, and now that's changed." ( cheers and applause ) it's not-- then, michael bennett spoke, followed by jay inslee. or vice versa. it's really a coin toss. then, senator kirsten gillibrand shared a lofty vision for the presidency. >> we need a nominee who doesn't know the meaning of "impossible." >> stephen: trump's got you beat there. he doesn't know the meaning of thousands of words. you're really starting out behind on that one. julian castro says he knows what the lives of everyday americans are like. >> too many people are struggling, and i know what that's like, too. i grew up with a single mom in a poor neighborhood. >> stephen: "growing up, we were so poor, my brother and i had to share a face." ( laughter )
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sad. he's a twin. he's a twin, is the idea. now, julian castro had his own answer to trump's slogan. >> we're going to make america better than it's ever been in the years to come. >> stephen: yeah, forget "maga." julian castro's going with "mgtmabtiebitytc"! ( laughter ) now, andrew yang unveiled one of his campaign-tested zingers. >> the opposite of donald trump is an asian man who likes math. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: opposite of donald trump, opposite of donald trump is an asian man who knows math. judges? ( buzz ) oh, i'm so sorry. the opposite of donald trump is a black woman who has spell check. ( laughter ) so close, very close. ( cheers and applause ) you're going home-- you're getting our home game. then, biden got his turn.
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>> just look at this stage, made up of very diverse people from diverse backgrounds, went on to be mayors, senators, governors, congresswomen, members of the cabinet, and, yes, even a vice president. >> stephen: ( as biden ) "i mean, just look at the diversity on this stage. how did this happen? it's like we were all bussed into this debate or something." ( laughter ) >> jon: whoa! >> stephen: then, then-- it's going to be-- it's going to be a long night, ladies and gentlemen. then-- wear a cup! then, tulsi gabbard took on our broken healthcare system. >> the reality is, right now, we don't have a healthcare system. we have a sick care system. >> stephen: "and i should know. i am the only one up here dressed like a doctor." ( laughter ) andrew yang made an interesting revelation. >> when i told my wife i was running for president, do you know the first question she asked me? >> stephen: "who are you?"
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( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) "what's going through your mind?" ( applause ) when biden said harris's numbers on healthcare did not add up, she shot back. >> let's talk about math. >> stephen: to which andrew yang said, "hey, that's my only thing! get your own thing! you've got the busing thing!" then, biden began to explain his healthcare plan, before he kind of ran out of steam. >> we immediately are able to cover everybody who wants to get off of their insurance plan they don't like, no matter what one it is, and buy into a medicare option. and they can buy the gold plan, and they're not going to have to pay... anyway. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't know what-- i don't know what just happened. >> jon: he didn't finish. >> stephen: biden just joined the ranks of history's greatest orators. for who can forget lincoln's great speech, "four score and... you get the idea.
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what are you going to do? we're now-- whatever. you kids." ( applause ) even though-- even though biden and castro were both in the obama administration, only biden wanted to keep the same border policy. and castro swiped back. >> it looks like one of us has learned the lessons of the past, and one of us hasn't. >> stephen: "hey, buster i've learned the lessons of the past! i was there for most of it! hell, charles lindbergh still owes me 20 bucks!" ( laughter ) later on, cory booker demanded changes to our drug laws. >> we have got to have far more bold action on criminal justice reform, like having true marijuana justice. >> stephen: yes. coming to cbs this fall, "marijuana justice!" high crimes just got hella blazed, bro! ( cheers and applause ) i'd watch that. i would watch that. >> jon: yeah, i'll check it out.
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>> stephen: biden tried to avoid answering questions about obama's deportation policy, but cory booker wasn't having any of it. >> mr. vice president, you can't have it both ways. you invoke president obama more than anybody in this campaign. you can't do it when it's convenient and then dodge it when it's not. >> stephen: "oh, really? obama said i could!" ( laughter ) mister! mister! come after you! whippersnapper! when the topic turned to criminal justice reform, cory booker sprang this on joe biden. >> mr. vice president, there's a saying in my community: "you're dipping into the kool-aid and you don't even know the flavor." >> stephen: okay, okay, that's a nice rehearsed line. but really, does anyone ever know the flavor of kool-aid? it all just tastes like red! ( laughter ) biden shot back against his critics on that stage. >> you know, i find it fascinating. everybody is talking about how terrible i am on these issues. barack obama knew exactly who i was. >> stephen: ( as biden ) "an insurance policy for voters who get nervous when they hear
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rap music." ( laughter ) and, after yet-- after yet-- >> jon: whoa. a little bit nervous. just a little bit nervous. ( cheers and applause ) slightly nervous. >> stephen: after yet another clash of the titans with harris, biden told people to look up his argument online. >> if you doubt me, google "1,000 prisoners freed kamala harris." >> thank you. >> stephen: ( as biden ) "then, google 'joe biden and barack obama' and just keep scrolling down." google images. then, senator gillibrand took a bold swipe at answering how she would beat trump. >> i can talk to those white women in the suburbs that voted for trump and explain to them what white privilege actually is. >> stephen: ( as gillibrand ) "they will accept me into their midst, for i come with offerings of chardonnay and skinny pop. we speak the same-- my bounty is as boundless as the sea." ( cheers and applause )
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when the topic of climate change came up-- serious subject-- andrew yang had a blunt assessment. >> the last four years have been the four warmest years in recorded history. this is going to be a tough truth, but we are too late. we are ten years too late. >> stephen: adding, "abandon all hope. yang 2020! though, of course, we won't live that long." ( laughter and applause ) senator gillibrand was ready when asked about her priorities. >> the first thing that i'm going to do when i'm president is, i'm going to clorox the oval office. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wow. wow. that's harsh. exactly right. exactly right. that presidential slam brought to you by clorox. "clorox: the commander-in- bleach." ( laughter ) then, mayor bill de blasio was asked to address the issue of lead in the drinking water here in new york city. >> we have a huge problem, and
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it's decades old in new york. >> stephen: yes, oh, it's true, lead poisoning is a huge problem here. it's so bad, some people completely lose touch with reality and think they can be elected president. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) then, then-- it's true. it's sad. sad. >> jon: i know, man. >> stephen: then, de blasio challenged biden on whether he would allow the labor movement to be part of biden's trade deals, and biden answered. >> your response, sir? >> yes. >> that's it? >> he said, would i insist that labor be engaged? the answer is yes. >> i consider that a victory. >> stephen: "it's as close as i'm ever going to get! new york, i'm coming home!" ( laughter and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) then, it was time for closing statements, starting with
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kirsten gillibrand, who said she knows how to take down the president. >> i also know how to beat donald trump. >> stephen: ( as gillibrand ) "it involves a deep hole, a camouflage tarp, and a cold cheeseburger." ( laughter ) gotcha! then-- but in the end, the candidates came together around a unifying message: click "like" and subscribe! >> please join me at >> i hope you will consider going to >> >> >> >> please go to >> enter your zip code at >> stephen: that's so disappointing, you know? if you think we deserve more than shameless plugs from our presidential candidates, go to and join our movement! ( cheers and applause ) now, for just $5. you could give me $5. but-- that's all it takes.
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but biden did the same thing but he couldn't quite stick the landing-dot-com. >> if you agree with me, go to joe... 303... 30 and help me in this fight. >> stephen: ( as biden ) "go to joe 30-- 330. and send an e-vite to scranton then, ring up pennsylvania-- ring up pennsylvania 6500 and ask for lulu. she'll show you a good time." we've got a great show for you tonight. rahm emmanuel is here. but when we return, donald trump still exists! stick around! hello! hello! hello. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ papa was a rolling stone wherever he laid his hat was his home ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, give it up for jon batiste and stay human! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: woooo! >> stephen: jon, in just one minute, rahm emanuel is going to be here, former congressman, former chief of staff for the white house, former mayor of chicago. he's going to lay it all down for us about these debates tonight. who better. who better? but you know folks, we're still sorting through the results of last night's debate. we know donald trump watched because they were on the tee- vee. and the president had some
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choice words for one of cnn's moderators: "cnn's don lemon, the dumbest man on television, insinuated last night while asking a debate "question" that i was a racist, when, in fact, i am "the least racist person in the world." oh yeah, that sounds like the least racist person in the world. (as trump) "listen up, everybody. the dumb black guy thinks i'm a racist." also, that "least racist person in the world" quote sounds familiar. where have i heard that before? >> i am the least racist person there is anywhere in the world. >> stephen: you can't quote yourself. ( laughter ) it's like that famous saying by a very wise man, "you can't quote yourself." ( cheers and applause ) trump--
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he tweeted on: "perhaps someone should explain to don that he is supposed to be neutral, unbiased & fair-- comma, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot,ot-- or is he too dumb-- stupid-- to understand that." ( laughter ) okay, okay, but your argument would have been a little stronger if you hadn't used a parentheses and then a bracket. ( cheers and applause ) that just makes you look dumb, stupid. ( laughter ) but the candidate who made the most surprising splash last night was self-help author and high priestess saying, "bring me the child," marianne williamson. after last night's debate, williamson became the most because she said stuff like
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this: >> if you think any of this wonkiness is going to deal with this dark psychic force of the collectivized hatred that this president is bringing up in this country, then i'm afraid that the democrats are going to see some very dark days. >> stephen: fun fact: "some very dark days" is what trump calls black history month. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh, my! >> stephen: true, true story, jon. true story. those who did google williamson found some interesting stuff, for instance, williamson has controversial views on vaccines, calling them "orwellian." yeah, reminds me of george orwell's last words, "hi, i'm george orwell. i died of tuberculosis when i was 46, and i really wish there'd been a vaccine for it." ( cheers and applause ) plus-- that is double-plus-good. that joke is double-plus-good. plus, in her book, "return to love," williamson wrote, "aids can be thought of as "angels-in- darth vader-suits."
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and told people with the disease to "imagine the aids virus as darth vader, then unzip his suit to allow an angel to emerge." do you mean this angel? here's a pro tip for anybody out there seeking medical advice: "this is not the cure you're looking for." ( applause ) so, so there are a lot of kooky things about marianne williamson's past, but these days, she's trying to appear more polished and pragmatic. let's see how that worked out for this child reporter after last night's debate. >> do you have a pet? >> do i have a pet? i had a cat, and the cat died. >> stephen: "yes, yes, johnny, because you see, we're all going to die-- you, me, your grandma-- and it's because you didn't picture an angel inside darth vader's suit." we'll be right back with rahm emanuel. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight spent three terms in congress, two terms as mayor of chicago, and is the former chief of staff to president barack obama. please welcome to "the late show," mayor rahm emanuel. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you again. please have a seat. >> how are you doing? >> stephen: i'm doing okay. it's nice to have you here. certainly a change from the old days. you personally shut down all
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democrats from talking to me on "the colbert report," because you thought it was a bad idea for them to talk to me just because i would make jokes about them. sir, have you no decency? >> it's not a career builder. >> stephen: why, is your career over now? >> no, i was talking about them. >> stephen: okay. you're no longer mayor of chicago. you're not holding public office right now, so you don't have to watch what you say. not that you ever did that that much. >> i was going to say, that was not really-- i don't think you have to worry about that. >> stephen: but now you can be rahmbo again. neutron rahm. blow up the place. >> where's waldo? >> stephen: let's talk about the debate tonight. you worked for presidents clinton and president obama. i'm sure you did a lot of debate prep for those two guys. >> yeah. >> stephen: who got close to their level tonight? who impressed you on stage? >> you know, president obama had "yes, we can." president clinton had, as you know, "put people first." we have, "damn it, i wrote the bill." so that's kind of the closest. >> stephen: you think bernie last night had the best of the two nights.
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endorsing bernie. >> no, no, i think that will not help bernie, given his base. so here's what i think-- i think democrats love to fall in love. republicans fall in line. and we're not yet in love. we're still dating. and that's the process right now. there are a lot more debates and we're going to still date. >> stephen: how many more dates before-- >> a while. >> stephen: really? >> nobody is ready to come-- nobody is ready to come home and see the in-laws yet. >> stephen: nobody is jumping in the sack after tonight? >> no, no. >> stephen: no? >> i see you and i and everybody we love this every inch, we're measuring every 25 yards. it's a marathon. it's a long ways to go here. i'm out of metaphors. i have marriage, i got dating, i have marathons. that's it, man. i got nothing else. >> stephen: what are the stakes at this stage of the campaign? because we're still 16 months away from the election. we're still six months away from the first primary. what do you think of having debates this early?
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is it a good idea? >> yeah, i think, first of all, like, take a look at joe biden. i think the debates are going to make him a better candidate. and if not, he's not going to be the nominee. >> stephen: why do you think that? he's getting slapped around out there. he has got-- >> you think -- >> stephen: they slather him in blood and throw him into a pit of pirhannas out there. i'm not saying he can't hold his own. what i'm saying they're going for him hard. >> here's the thing you have to know-- they are. that's good for joe. he can take it. it's not like trump is going to go easy on you. the second is, if you can't handle the campaign, trust me, it's not going to get easier in the oval office. >> stephen: how you campaign is how you govern? >> if you can't handle the campaign, that's best preparation, because in the oval office it is all in-coming 24/7. kennedy had this great quote, "when you're president, you have to choose between bad and worse." you have to be able to take it constantly. it's coming at you every way. you have to have an excellent chief of staff. a really good chief of staff.
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that's number one, okay. ( applause ) and-- and if you got that, everything is at ease. >> stephen: podesta did do a great job. >> unbelievable. >> stephen: he did a really good job. >> the first two years, they were easy. >> stephen: they really were? >> a recession, financial crisis, auto industry, but outside of that-- the two longest wars. we kind of cruised right through it. >> stephen: by the way between those two guys, between bill clinton and barack obama, both sharp as a tack. who's the better debater in your opinion? who would have won the debate between those two cats? and yes, i just called them "cats," daddy-o. >> you probably would have gotten thrown off the debate stage for that. first of all, they're totally different. >> stephen: you're not going to answer that question. >> that's correct. bill clinton is the best-- if you want to beat-- bill clinton is the best tactical person i have ever seen in politics. and if you want to beat him, two things. one, start the debate at 10:00 a.m. not happening, okay.
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because the guy is still up at 3:00 in the morning making phone calls. number two, make him answer each of the questions first. he is really good, if you go first, he can figure it out. he's got that. president obama, i think, is-- he's also a very good debater, and he-- first of all, both made it to the oval office, and the first two democrats to get re- elected since franklin delano roosevelt. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: of the people you saw tonight-- again, it was 10 people both nights. of the people you saw tonight, who should have gotten the hook halfway through? who should have been sent a dead fish wrapped in newspaper? who do you think really hurt themselves tonight? >> first of all, it's going to happen because you have to score 2% in three different polls, you've got to have 150,000 contributors. >> stephen: you mean for the september and the next round? >> yeah, in kind of what i would say the cattle round in houston. i think it's going to be down to one night in houston, in fact. i think it will be cut dramatically. >> stephen: oh, that will be
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delightful, because doing these things live is killing me. ( laughter and applause ) >> here's what i would say. what i will say it's down quickly to about five candidates. i think last night -- >> stephen: who are the five? >> i got four and a half for you, brother. so here's what i would say. it's an inside joke that he'll tell you about later. >> stephen: exactly. >> last night i would say bernie sanders was robin to elizabeth warren's batman. that's what happened last night. and elizabeth warren is just -- >> stephen: i don't want to picture bernie in skintight lycra, thank you. ( laughter ) >> as a former ballet dancer i know what people look like in leotards and tights. the second thing i would say-- i think all the other candidates just never measured up. a couple of people-- obviously, biden, kamala harris. i think mayor pete is there. i think that cory booker is there. >> stephen: did a good job tonight. >> i think mary ann -- >> stephen: marianne williamson. >> she's trying out for surgeon general. that's what i would say, for a cabinet position.
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>> stephen: we have to take a quick break. please stay. you've come all this way. we'll be right back with rahm emanuel and the rest of the debate. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ i knew my son could be at risk of certain cancers later in life. from an infection, human papillomavirus i knew widespread hpv is and while hpv clears for most, that might not be the case for him. i knew his risk increases as he gets older. i knew a vaccine could help protect him at age 11 or 12, before he could be exposed. i knew so i talked to my child's doctor. now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, don't wait. talk to your child's doctor today. bowhen you want toks hakick start your day you can choose the one with the full serving of vegetables or you could go with 3 times the amount of sugar. if you're into that sort of thing. v8 the original plant powered drink. veg up.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, we are here with former obama chief of staff, his honor, former mayor of chicago, rahm emanuel.
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let's talk a little bit more about the debate tonight. i want to ask one more question about biden, is that people criticize him-- and we made our little ha-ha jokes about the number of times he mentioned barack obama. do you think he's doing that too much? >> no, not at this point. >> stephen: no? >> that would be the simple part. not at this point. but i think later on he's got to go into just being able to talk about himself. in the primary, early on, president obama has a 95% approval among democrats. why would you not mention you were his vice president not for one, but for all eight years. >> stephen: should he mention him more? ( laughter ) >> then he'll have to pay a residual to the president. no, i think right now it's good. >> stephen: now, i have-- one thing was really curious to me. last night and tonight-- especially last night, a couple of people mentioned it tonight-- nobody is defending obamacare. i think biden said he wanted to improve it. maybe cory booker or bennett, something. but for the most part, they're not even talking about obamacare.
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>> i'll give you something else: the number one thing about the president's health care plan that is obamacare, a.c.a., is that you cannot get denied health care for pre-existing conditions. it's the single most important thing. ( cheers and applause ) i-- like, really? we-- here's-- here's what i don't get, and i love my party, but nine months ago, we made this the central issue that allowed us to take back the house, and nine months later everybody has amnesia. it's the most important thing and it's the most popular thing. second is, president trump ran on "there will be no cuts in medicare." he actually has introduced the largest cut ever by a president in medicare. and i think we should put up a "medicare cut for all by donald trump." put it up for a vote. it will go down. i don't get this. i don't know what the democrats are doing. this whole negotiation-- it's in section 2022. in the debate last night, pre- existing conditions. want to improve obamacare. it's very popular not only with the democrats, it's very popular
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with the country. and ready, it's working. breaking news. that's what legislation is supposed to be doing. i don't get it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: and it gives you an opportunity to attack donald trump while you defend it. >> with a lawsuit going on. >> stephen: you wrote a memo for tonight that you published on medium saying, "don't make detroit's debates a repeat of miami." you were not a fan of miami? what was wrong there? >> well, what was wrong, one of the things president clinton and president obama did, they won the nomination in a way to propel them into the election. what we did in miami was foreclosed ourselves to a very important part of voters that are not democrats today but can vote for a democrat. look, folks right now, given the economy, are not happy with trump as a person. they may think the economy is okay, not bad. but they think donald trump is worse than bad. and what we have to do is not take a set of positions-- let's stay with health care. we're talking about taking 150 million people's health care away, and the first thing we're
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going to do is give it to undocumenteds who come to this country? you can make some moral argument about it. but focus on the 35 million americans who are a single illness away from financial ruin because of health care. and that to me is where we should be focused on. we have an advantage on health care, and donald trump is frantic trying to cover up for the fact the first two years all he tried to do was take away health care from people with pre-existing conditions. >> stephen: are you done with politics? >> no, i love politics. >> stephen: are you going to run for anything again? >> i'm thinking about running when this job's open, i'm thinking about running for this job. >> stephen: this job? ( laughter ) >> here's the thing -- >> stephen: it's easier than being president and it pays better, too. >> it's much easier. ( applause ) but the good news is, in both jobs you have to stay up real late. >> stephen: you have to stay up late. you only have eight years as president. i can stay longer than the pope. >> that's right. and i joke sometimes as both mayor and chief of staff, i started my job 6'2", 250, and i'm now 5 foot eight, 148 dripping wet. you lose a lot.
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>> stephen: you look good, you wear it well. >> the medication is working. >> stephen: mr. mayor, thank you for being here. rahm emanuel, everybody! we'll be right back with michael ian black. ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) jimmy john's is buying someone a house so they can deliver them a sandwich. read the legal copy below if you must, but we assure you, it will be a real house. enter to win at because sandwich. ( ♪ ) e*trade personalized investments are professionally managed portfolios customized to help meet your financial goals. you'll know what you're invested in and how it's performing. so you can spend more time floating about on your inflatable swan. ( ♪ )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: beautiful. hey, everybody, welcome back. ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is an author, actor, and a delightful comedian you know from "the state" and "wet hot american summer." please welcome michael ian black! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> nice to see you. >> stephen: you are politically aware. >> aware, sure. >> stephen: politically aware.
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would you call yourself politically astute? >> no, i would never call myself astute about anything. >> stephen: but you care, you care? >> sure, i care about all kinds of stuff. >> stephen: did you get a chance to watch the debates tonight? >> i did. >> stephen: what was your takeaway? >> i was trying to watch it as a neutral observer because i knew i was going to be on tonight and i know you have an audience that embodies all kinds of people. >> stephen: right, they don't take sides. these people do not take sides. ( laughter ) >> but there are probably people here who think donald trump is a terrible human being and a terrible president, but then there's probably also people here who, who are wrong. and so i just wanted to be as neutral as i could. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: good. so, i was talking-- i was talking with mayor emanuel just a little while ago, are there too many of these debates? how important do you think it is to have these debates? >> i thought tonight was really important. i thought it was the most important democratic
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presidential debate since yesterday. ( laughter ) critically important. >> stephen: that's saying something. did you like anybody? >> uh, yeah. i mean, well, first of all, i-- i like everybody. i was looking to see how biden did. he came out spittin' fire. when he said, "malarkey" on the talking radio. >> stephencome on. >> i almost had the vapors, stephen! ( laughter ) i liked elizabeth warren from last night. >> stephen: she has a plan. i can picture her in the job. >> i love her. i think she's my favorite. >> stephen: who else did you like? >> i like castro tonight. i liked-- i liked booker tonight. i like all of them. they-- i'll vote for-- i'll vote for-- >> stephen: all of them? >> no. here's the thing-- a lot of democrats are probably like, "i'll vote! i'll vote for any of the candidates." not me. i have very strict purity tests for my candidates.
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>> stephen: oh, really? >> yes. >> stephen: how do they pass your bar? >> it's not easy. first of all, if you're a democrat who started a fake university and then got sued for $25 million and had to settle, you're not getting my vote. >> stephen: wow. >> if you're a democrat who paid hush money to a porn star, you're not getting my vote! ( laughter ) if you're a democrat who said that mexicans are rapists and criminals. guess what? you're not getting my vote, stephen! >> stephen: okay. does that eliminate anybody? ( laughter ) >> no, that doesn't eliminate anybody. >> stephen: what about marianne williamson? >> i love her. >> stephen: she's got an interesting spirit. >> yes, and i'm not sure that i like the spirit that is speaking through her. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you think she might be channeling, you're saying? >> she's channeling something. i don't know if she's running for president. she's running for oracle, maybe. >> stephen: she sits on a three- legged stool-- >> here's a ticket i could get behind: marianne williamson
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running with jean luc picard. that would be a ticket for the united federation of planets or whatever it is. i could get behind that. >> stephen: i do like her talking about love. you don't hear about that much anymore. >> there is something very compelling about her. and she's right about this: when she says nobody cares about policies as much as they care about the emotions and the love like you're talking about. she's absolutely right. like, they were talking a half hour tonight about the health care plans and yelling at each other about it. i don't understand a word of it. i just want to know that my kid is going to be covered, you know. that's all i care about. ( applause ) >> stephen: right. that is the issue for you? ( cheers and applause ) >> that's a big issue for me. by the way, i have two kids. i really only care if one of them is covered. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you have-- you have a book here. you wrote a children's book called, "i'm worried." >> yes. >> stephen: this is a children's book. >> it is a children's book. >> stephen: and why do you write this book for children? >> because i think there's a lot of panicked children out there.
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>> stephen: oh, you think so? you might be right. >> here's the thing. this is the third in a series. the first-- and this isn't a coincidence-- was written before the last election. it's called "i'm bored." the next one was written after the election. it's called, "i'm sad." this one, we're two years into the administration, it's called "i'm worried." there is one planned -- ( applause ) >> stephen: you have one more? >> i have one planned for next year, and it is optimistically entitled "i'm happy." >> stephen: oh, that would be lovely. that would be lovely. because children, if they are worried children, because they're getting contact anxiety from the parents. >> of course. >> stephen: they're very open. they're sponges and they can tell how we feel. >> yes. >> stephen: that's why it's important to lie to your children at all times about how you feel right now until things get better. >> that's what i do! i am a-- inveterate. is that a word? >> stephen: nope. >> i don't know.
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>> stephen: your eldest son is about to go off to college. do you have any advice for him? >> i'm probably the wrong person to ask because i dropped out of college in my second year to become a teenaged mutant ninja turtle. >> stephen: for real. >> for real, yeah. i was raphael-- i was an advance turtle for the "coming out of our shells rock n' roll teenage mutant ninja turtles tour." ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i would love to hear the end of this story. i am being told i have to wrap. will you please come back and tell us the end of that story. that's called a grabber. and the next time you're here, we'll pay it off. the book is called "i'm worried." check out for his tour dates this summer and this fall. michael ian black, everybody! we'll be right back. thank you, michael ♪
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halloween time is back with spook-tacular experiences in disneyland and disney california adventure parks!... >> stephen: hey everybody. that is it for the live "late show." captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show


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