tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC October 28, 2016 10:34pm-11:37pm MST
jimmy fallon! ?? ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, hey, everybody! oh, i feel the love. i feel the new york city love. welcome, everybody. welcome to "the tonight show." this is it. [ cheers and applause ] this is the show. you're here. thank you for being here. welcome, and thank you. here's what people are talking about.
[ cheers and applause ] get this, facebook unveiled new halloween reaction buttons where you can like a post with a laughing witch or a mad jack o' lantern. as opposed to the other way to choose between a laughing witch and a mad jack o' lantern, voting. >> steve: hey! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: actually, this was kind of scary. last night, donald trump's running mate, mike pence, was landing at laguardia, when his campaign plane skidded off the yeah, when he heard, donald trump was like, "oh my god, are the stewardesses okay?" [ cheers and applause ] you know, trump really did call mike pence after his plane skidded off the runway to make sure he was okay, because if there's one guy you want to hear from after a plane wreck, it's a train wreck. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: hey-o! hey! hey! hey! hey! train wreck.
another rally yesterday, where he said that his economic plan can be summarized in three words, jobs, jobs, jobs. when asked for more specifics, trump said, "boob jobs, boob jobs." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] of course, tonight was game three of the world series between the indians and the cubs. [ cheers and applause ] as you know, this week, the cubs won their first world series game since 1945, and no one was more excited than dorothy ferrell, a 90-year-old cubs fan from chicago. she even celebrated by doing some shots of jagermeister. [ cheers ] in their honor. check this out. >> do you actually like the taste of this or do you just party? >> i like that this gets the feeling going. >> have you ever gotten in trouble from drinking too much jager? >> no. >> no? >> no. jimmy, did i ever [ bleep ]? here's to it again if you don't do it when you get to it, you
[ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: did we drink this already? if you drink at the top, then you didn't drink then top and once you're at the bottom, you're back on top. all right, cheers. couldn't have said it better myself. [ cheers and applause ] i don't care. i'll do it. i love her. hi, dorothy. actually, the last time the cubs won a world series was 1908, which was the year president taft was elected. after he won, defeating the democrat wi independent candidate, bernie sanders. [ laughter and applause ] long time ago. >> steve: that was a long time ago. >> jimmy: pretty big tech news, here. twitter is phasing out the vine app. yeah. you know vine. it lets users create and share six-second video clips, so i wanted to give one of vine's biggest stars a chance to say farewell in a special video message. please welcome derek haskell. derek? >> hey, jimmy, i'm sure you can
community pretty hard. i mean, for us, vine was like, a way to connect and -- >> jimmy: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: beautiful. beautiful. touching. >> jimmy: i guess we'll have to hear the rest on snapchat. i don't know. [ light laughter ] a lot of guys are excited about this, victoria's secret just unveiled this year's fantasy bra, which is worth $3 million because of all the jewels. yeah, the news station -- a a news station in virginia was covering the story yesterday, and one of the anchors had a ve listen to this. >> last year's fantasy bra was valued at $2 million. >> for most guys, a fantasy bra is one they can actually unhook. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: coming up next, we fire a news anchor live on the air. i got another bra fantasy for you. my wife not shooting hers on stage at every dierks bentley concert.
hey, all right. finally, this is really cute. i saw that seaworld made a a special wetsuit for one of its penguins that doesn't have enough feathers to keep her warm. [ audience aws ] take a look at this. [ audience aws ] don't tell her it's just a beer koozie. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight. you guys, give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ?? ??
>> jimmy: oh, my goodness! that is the one and only 22-time grammy award winning pianist, chick corea sitting in with the roots. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, thank you, thank you. nice to see you, buddy. >> nice to be here. >> jimmy: it sounds fantastic. you can catch chick now through december 11th at the blue note jazz club here in new york. thank you so much for being here. we love you, buddy. [ cheers and applause ] master. master. guys, coac we have jay leno will be here. oh, we love jay. [ cheers and applause ] whoopi goldberg, vince vaughn, and benedict cumberbatch will all be joining us. [ cheers and applause ] plus performances from big sean, lecrae and alicia keys. you don't want to miss it. [ cheers and applause ] but joining us tonight, from the new animated movie, "trolls," and she also has a a book out as well, my pal anna kendrick is here, you
>> jimmy: from the new netflix series, "the crown." "the crown," the very talented john lithgow is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] show a picture of john. love john lithgow. and we have great stand-up from iliza. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: always funny. this will be her fourth time on our show, on "the tonight show." she's very funny. destroys every time she's on here. i love her. with some personal stuff. i check my inbox. >> steve: sure. >> jimmy: i return some e-mails. >> steve: uh-huh. >> jimmy: and of course, i send out some thank you notes. >> steve: really? [ cheers and applause ]
[ light laughter ] >> jimmy: guys, today i was running a bit late. so, i thought -- >> steve: what did you think? >> jimmy: well, i thought if you guys wouldn't mind, i would just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. >> steve: now? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you guys are the coolest. thank you, thank you, thank you so much. james, could i get some thank you note writing music, please? ?? he's in a good mood. >> steve: i guess. >> jimmy: in another good mood. [ laughter ] >> steve: you really have to. >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: he is cute, though. ?? >> jimmy: thank you, trick or treating, for being the one night a year parents say to their kids, "remember all that stuff we told you about taking candy from strangers? forget it." [ cheers and applause ] trust people.
?? >> jimmy: thank you, halloween parties, for being the only place you'll ever see spiderman holding a red solo cup and hooking up with a minion. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: that's not the only place. ?? >> jimmy: thank you, donald trump's advisors, for taking members of the media to a strip club in las vegas. you'd think by now trump's people would be sick of watching something slide down the polls. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: whoa! no you didn't! no you did not! oh no you didn't! that's it! ?? what a run. what a run. >> jimmy: no, you didn't. no, you didn't. >> steve: wow, you did not. >> jimmy: no you did not. ?? thank you, cleveland indians
someone pours milk on him. then he totally falls apart. [ applause ] did not know that. i didn't know that. >> steve: yeah, that's the worst. >> jimmy: defense. ?? >> jimmy: thank you, walking through a spider web, for making it look like i just had battery acid thrown in my face. [ laughter ] just a spider web, dude. ?? like to call you, pants maracas. there you go, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show." [ cheers and applause ] ?? this is the story of fall's biggest fan.
leaf piles and pumpkin pies. hot apple cider and cozy sweaters. which brings us to the very moment she fell for fall all over again. was she expecting to find the perfect designer boots at such an amazing price? no. but that's the beauty of a store full of surprises. you never know what you're gonna find, but you know you're gonna love it. marshalls. your surprise is waiting. ?? when families gather, things get messy. ours can help.
stories alone, no. that would be far too scary. i'm going to need a little help from my friends anna kendrick and john lithgow, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and it's time for kids campfire! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the stories you're about to hear were all written by kids under the age of 10. so, please enjoy them. if you dare. thank you. it was going to be a bigger thing. i'll read the first one. this is called, "the anonymous man." ?? i was the only -- you're not committing to that music, are you? i was the only one in the neighborhood. then i heard a knock at the door. nobody was there. so, i went to look out the window.
locked the door. i was so scared, my underwear almost came off. [ laughter ] i hid under the covers, and when i thought it was safe, i peaked my head out of the covers, and no one was there. that doesn't mean he's gone. he could be in your house, and he might scare your underwear off. [ laughter ] [ wolf howling ] that's your underwear off. your underwear off. okay. anna, it's your turn. oh, anna -- thank you. >> okay. this story is called "the hungry ghost." most stories start "once upon a a time," but those are nice stories. and this is a scary story. a scary story about a ghost that was hungry. he went all around the neighborhood on halloween and said, "trick-or-treat," but people didn't give him any candy because he was a real
he got so sad and hungry that he went to mcdonald's and he got a cheeseburger and even a a milkshake because his mom said he could have one. [ laughter ] [ wolf howling ] >> jimmy: wow. you're next, john. john lithgow, you're up. >> this story is called "ghost boy." there was a child who was lost in the forest. "woo hoo waka waka woo laka hoo!" he started running because a a ghost was after him. and the ghost caught the boy and turned him into a ghost boy. the ghost boy went back to his school and he scared the fourth graders at recess. now, every time the recess bell
hear, "woo hoo waka waka woo laka hoo!" [ cheers and applause ] [ wolf howling ] >> jimmy: my goodness. this -- this last one, let's do it together. this story's called "the basket." i'll be the narrator. anna, you'll be playing the part of the old woman. >> got it. >> jimmy: here we go. there was an old man lost and then he saw an old woman that had a big basket. he wanted to help, so he went and said -- >> do you need some help? >> no, i can carry it. >> jimmy: said the old woman.
>> okay, you can carry it. >> jimmy: said the old woman. the old man heard moaning and groaning, so he opened the basket and a head jumped out and started chasing him away. >> woah! >> jimmy: and that's why every halloween, people wear baskets on their heads. [ cheers and applause ] now i'm in the halloween spirit. my thanks to anna kendrick and john lithgow! stick around. we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show." [ cheers and applause ] ?? initiating retrieval sequence. activating thrusters.
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lies deserve quality education for their kids, childcare they can trust and afford, equal pay for women, and jobs they can really live on. people ask me what will be different if i'm president?
well kids and families have been the passion of my life and they will be the heart of my presidency. i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. i'm beowulf boritt and i'm a broadway set designer. ...as a tablet. go in and work on the details.
[ cheers and applause ] ?? >> jimmy: we are
joined right now by a tony, golden globe and academy award nominated performer. yo h series. starting next friday, you can see her opposite just justin timberlake in a big new animated film called "trolls." it's really great. put it together for the immensely talented anna kendrick, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: anna kendrick, welcome back. >> thank you. >> jimmy: to the show. you look gorgeous. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you for doing that spooky. >> that was so much fun. i feel like i actually like -- you know, you got your money's worth. i'll do a little acting. >> jimmy: that was great, right? a little smackting, oh, please. that was spooky and scary. >> yeah, i loved it. >> jimmy: we just did a thing with kevin hart where we went to a haunted house in new york city. >> oh yeah? >> jimmy: oh yeah. >> was it fun? >> jimmy: it was frightening. >> frightening. i don't like getting scared. >> why did you go? for the show. i get it. yeah. >> jimmy: i do whatever i can to entertain the people. >> you just do what they tell you. >> jimmy: well, kevin dared me to do it because i dared him to do a roller coaster. he's scared of roller coasters. >> oh, okay. >> jimmy: so i did that with him too. he's like, i want to take you to a haunted house to scare you because i don't like being scared. and no scared me. >> i'm really proud of you. i'm really proud of you. >> jimmy: thank you. yeah, yeah. do you like getting scared? do you like that stuff? >> i don't like the jump out at you, like scary, but -- >> jimmy: they're hiding
>> jimmy: i would never do that because i don't like it. >> i don't trust any of you. >> jimmy: yeah, i don't trust any of what's going on. yeah, but it was a dark maze and somebody was hiding underneath and they grabbed your ankles. >> no, no! >> jimmy: i'm thinking it's all up here, yeah. >> no, because i went to a a haunted house that was more like creepy images. and, like, you know, and it's kind of like getting under your skin and you don't know exactly why. but then it was kind of sexy too, kind of a sexy, scary, so you're confused. you're feeling new feelings, 's kevin hart and i did not go to strip club. strip club, sorry i meant haunted house. we did not go to that at all. >> no, i mean i think maybe because it's l.a., everybody has to be really hot. like all the actors in it were, like, really hot. and they touch you and say stuff to you, and, like, at a a certain point i was like -- i was like, so when are we kicking off this orgy? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> what are we doing? >> jimmy: this was not my -- >> and i went afterwards and
they stayed in character. >> they have like the opposite experience where i was, like, so, like, what's up with you guys? and they were like, we weren't actually hitting on you. we're actors. you should know better. i was like, cool, i just thought there was maybe a vibe. but -- part of the show. well done. >> jimmy: and they're like handing you resumes and stuff on the way out. this is l.a. how did i do? was i scary? i want to talk about your early career because you and your br >> yeah, yeah. well, my parents were, like, so supportive. but you know, we were from maine and they both had jobs, they worked full- time. and after a while, they were like, "if you want to keep auditioning, you and your brother can take the bus down to new york from maine." and i was like 12 and he was 14, and we would, like, come in, and usually it was like, you know, six hours to get down here and we would do like 15 minutes in a room and then six hours back. >> jimmy: i mean, auditions are in the morning. they're early.
>> thanks. >> jimmy: that's awesome. >> but occasionally, like, we'd get the -- if i got a callback, we'd have to figure out what to do, like where to stay. and my parents would fax a a credit card, and they would have to call ahead and be, like, naturally, we'll be along, but our children are checking in early. but like obviously, we'll be there because what kind of parents would let their children stay in a hotel by themselves? >> jimmy: in new york city. >> yeah. >> jimmy: home alone 4 there like, yes, mother and father will be along shortly. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the von traps? >> that's our impression of respectable children. >> jimmy: that's cool. how exciting is that? >> yeah, it was cool. >> jimmy: i love that. what part of maine? i love maine. >> portland. >> jimmy: never been. >> not even one person? yeah, give it up for portland. thank you, one person. i know you're lying. you're a filthy liar. >> jimmy: you had time to write a book, which i'm very excited about this. look at this. "scrappy little nobody."
>> yeah. there she is. >> jimmy: come on, that's cute. >> that's the villain. that's me. >> jimmy: congratulations on this. >> thank you. >> jimmy: that's pretty fun. >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's great. it's a great story. and actually, i think you should be proud of this. it's awesome. >> well i'll go ahead and do that. >> jimmy: and "trolls," how's justin timberlake? >> oh, do you know justin? you know justin, yeah. >> jimmy: how was he to work with? >> i mean, the best. like, he's the best. he's the best guy and we've been going around and doing all this press together. and he's been so great and we together and i'm like, "oh i'm going to have a picture of me and justin on the red carpet." that's so cool and then all of the pictures are bad. they're all bad. >> jimmy: no they're not. they're not bad, they're not. >> because i think when you -- i can't bring myself to just do, like, hold that red carpet face, because you know, they're yelling and --. >> jimmy: no, trust me, i don't know. >> there's a lot of people. >> jimmy: i don't know. but yeah. thanks for being nice to me. >> jimmy, jimmy. >> jimmy: jimmy, please duck down. >> you're in the way. [ laughter ]
we need to take care of anna. >> but i can't seem to bring myself to just commit. >> jimmy: what is your face? >> because it's like --. >> jimmy: anna, over here, anna, over here! >> yeah, what's up with you, and it's all bad. >> jimmy: what's up with you? why would you say that? >> hey, are you guys good? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what do you guys like to eat late at night? >> i keep expecting at any moment to just learn to just like, doesn't matter to me. couldn't care less. happy to be here. >> yeah. i'm like --. >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. well, this was -- you don't really even have to sell the movie tomorrow. i'll selling it for you. "trolls," it's animated, it's so much fun. it's very musical. >> it's so cute. >> jimmy: and it's justin and it's anna and james cordon and gwen stefani. ? can't stop the feeling ? we have a clip. here's anna kendrick and justin timberlake in "trolls" in theaters and i recommend seeing it in 3d next friday. check this out. >> you and justin --
the look on your face when you realize the world isn't all cup cakes and rainbows, because it isn't. >> hey, i know it's not all cupcakes and rainbows but i'd rather go through life thinking that it mostly is instead of being like you. you don't sing. you don't dance. so gray all the time. what happened to you? >> shh. >> a bergen? >> maybe. >> there's no bergen, is there? you just said that so i'd stop talking. >> maybe. >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. thanks to anna kendrick, "trolls" is in theaters everywhere next friday. go see it. and also 3d. and check out her book. john lithgow joins us after the break. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ?? [ "on the road again," by willie nelson ] ? on the road again ?
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winning actor. gosh we love him so much. you know him obviously from "3rd rock from the sun," "dexter," he was creepy -- he was fantastic. the list goes on and on. now he's back in the new netflix series "the crown," which premiers next friday, november 4th. please welcome the incredibly talented john lithgow. [ cheers and applause ] ?? >> jimmy: john, nice to see you. that water's for you. thank you for being here, buddy. >> wonderful. >> jimmy: thank you for doing that sketch with us too. >> my second time acting with anna kendrick after "the accountant." >> jimmy: oh no, that's right. you guys were fantastic. >> and they're so similar. >> jimmy: similar characters. well, you know how to perform children's stories in front of
side bar. >> jimmy: you're great at it. >> well, i've been entertaining little kids for a long time with albums and concerts and -- >> jimmy: is there a a difference. do you like -- i know you like both audiences, obviously, but kids are just -- honest. >> honest. they're a wonderful counterpoint to grown-up audiences. a completely different response. >> jimmy: yeah. have you ever had an instance where it was just an odd moment with -- >> oh, god, yes. they're a tricky -- my best example of that, iay a suitcase on to the stage and take out little props to introduce each song, and once i was going to sing "sunny side of the street." so i took out a tiny paper parasol and i asked them, "do you know what this is?" and of course they all said, "it's an umbrella." and i said, "no, no, it's a a parasol." an umbrella keeps the rain off your head. what does a parasol -- what do
and a little girl out in the audience said, "drinks." and all the parents blanched and looked at each other. >> jimmy: mommy and daddy have it in their drinks. >> whose child was that. >> jimmy: i love it. that's so fun. i love your acting but i also love your voice and i can tell when i hear it now and then on commercials. are you the voice of progresso chicken soup? >> i'm the progresso soup man. >> yes. i knew this. found out that you just love chicken soup. >> well, of course i love chicken soup. everybody loves chicken soup. progresso makes really good chicken soup. >> jimmy: of course. >> they came after me to be a a hyper-excited voiceover spokesperson for chicken soup, and --. >> jimmy: and you love -- but you also -- we had our buddy mario batali make a chicken tortilla soup
a weird thing that he does. he takes lime and he puts that over the soup. has anyone ever thought of that? nobody. now, try this and just tell me. this is going to be amazing. try this. >> i'll try mario batali's chicken soup. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> it's good. but it's not progresso. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. that is -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: that is the slogan. >> long live chicken! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: long live -- that is -- that's not bad, right? >> very spicy. >> jimmy: exactly. yeah. i know. i don't fool around here. i want to talk to you about "the crown." the "the crown," as i say. >> yes. yes. >> jimmy: it's very fun to do. >> it was a wonderful experience, a kind of dream job. "the crown" is the story of elizabeth ii's young years in
and all the major figures in british government and society back then. >> jimmy: how fun. i love that. i'm totally interested in that. >> and i got to play winston churchill. i was the only american in the whole cast, and --. >> jimmy: what an honor. that's fantastic. >> an honor. i was incredibly excited. >> jimmy: but you do an amazing churchill. did you know that you had one in you? >> no, i never would have cast myself as churchill. >> jimmy: no, i mean, how would you know? >> it was a complete surprise to me. a good impersonation of? winston churchill. wait, what? >> well, you know, i immediately dived into an enormous amount of research. i listened to lots of video and lots of audio, but it only really took hold when i worked with these brilliant costume, make-up, and hair people in england. after they got through with me, i was a passable winston. >> jimmy: i want to show everybody how amazing this is. it's available next friday on netflix and you'll binge the
it's worth it. we have a clip from "the crown." check this out. >> do sit down, prime minister. i've ordered tea or something stronger, perhaps. >> oh dear. did no one explain? a sovereign never offers a a prime minister refreshment, nor a chair. the precedent set by your great-great-grandmother was to keep us standing like privy counselors. to waste time is a grievous sin. if there is one thing i've learned in 52 years of public service, it is that there is no problem so complex, no crisis so grave that it cannot be satisfactorily resolved within 20 minutes. so, shall we make a start? [ applause ] >> jimmy: that's what i love
but somewhere in there there's you and i just love it so much. actually, we talked to the make-up department from "the crown," and they gave us these -- >> oh, yes, my little churchill pills. >> jimmy: yes. and what are these? these are the things you -- >> these are called my plumpers. you know, churchill has much fuller jowls than i do. don't eat it. it not only changes my face. it changes the way i speak. as in, i have nothing to offer but one hundred percent antibiotic and hormone-free white breast meat chicken. [ cheers and applause ] long live --
>> jimmy: wait, wait, can you leave them in for a little bit? can you put them back in? >> all right, you see, it's all done very quickly. >> jimmy: yeah, it's just 'cause i thought this would be kind of fun. can you read -- can you just read some of these lines, just see, just read them in order. i think this is kind of, could be interesting. >> you have something for me to read? >> jimmy: yeah. yes, i do. >> as churchill? >> jimmy: yes. of course. >> i was working in the lab late one night when my eyes beheld an eerie sight, for my monster from his slab began to rise, and suddenly, to my surprise, he did the mash. he did the monster mash. [ cheers and applause ] it was a graveyard smash. he got it on in a flash. he did the mash. >> jimmy: john lithgow, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] "the crown" is available to stream on netflix next friday november 4th.
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?? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: chick corea in
the house. our next guest stars in the series "forever thirty-one" on abc digital, and her comedy special, "confirmed kills," is currently streaming on netflix. making her fourth appearance on "the tonight show," everyone please welcome iliza! [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] ?? >> thank you! this is so fun. so, i want to share an opinion that probably won't be very popular, but i hate las vegas. and i know i'm supposed to love it because i'm a girl and women, we have this pavlovian response, someone says vegas
like, i said vegas here and some woman in new jersey was like, vegas! [ laughter ] what i want to share with you is that las vegas isn't for women. it's only for men. i will prove it to you. the number one sport in las vegas is what? killing prostitutes. no, you're close. it's -- lighten up. it's gambling. it's gambling, and they only want men to gamble because they incentivize men to gamble with what? free drinks. but who bringeth the free drinks? if they wanted the women to stay and gamble, they'd have the dude from thunder down under like, here you go sheila, but they don't. [ light laughter ] and i feel bad because these women are like 80 years old, exhausted, ice skater pantyhose, coming out shaking under 80 pounds of free gin and gingers, like, i remember when this was all desert. the only thing that women are given in las vegas is the
absolute hookers and have no one judge us. yeah, that's why we go. we land at mccarran, we throw our clothes out the window, we come out of the bathroom like it's floss and a cork. i'm empowered. [ laughter ] and we love it. and we stay that dressed up, even when we go to the pool. right? and you come down there with your pack of girlfriends. we're always in vegas to celebrate, right? stacy's getting married, becky's getting a divorce, kelly got banged. whatever it is. and we are dressed up. we are in primer and sunscreen and foundation and you just spent the last hour watching some saudi arabian girl doing a a make-up tutorial on instagram, so we are contoured like nutcrackers. [ cheers and applause ] you walk outside, you set one foot outside, and you are melting. your eyelashes are cascading down your face like caterpillars, it's hot, and
i don't know why. every single pool in the world has a sign above it that says, caution, wet surface. but for girls, we're like, not me, this is a good idea. i'm doing it. what happens in vegas stays in vegas. yeah, like your teeth, stacy, when you crack them on the pavement. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] put on some flip-flops. and we wear dumb bathing suits. like this is expensive, and it's cut out here. it's cut out here. it's like,in promise you this, you're going to burn, and you're going to end up looking like a a vivisection of a cow on a a steak house menu. [ light laughter ] and i think the worst part of about las vegas has to be the cabanas, because the types of guys that get cabanas are the worst. they're always there for joey's bachelor party, right? they're fist pumping. they've all got fedoras, gold plated jewelry, open shirts, they're always stunning but
yeah! [ cheers and applause ] little egg beater hands. yeah! and they're trying to attract you. these men bought this cabana to project an image of wealth. but girls, these guys don't have money. these guys flew here last minute, middle seat, c group, the hot one brought his clothes in a garbage bag. [ light laughter ] his objective being to get you back to his junior suite that he's sharing with eight other grown men on the ground level of the hotel. these guys can't afford this cabana. they bought it together. it's not like one of them could buy the cabana. it's not like joey had a good year pouring concrete. these guys -- [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] these men pooled their money,
[ laughter ] and they want you. and even though, as a woman, you know these guys are not right for you, you know that these men are hot garbage fire, some part of you still wants them, and what i want to share with you is this. before the age of 25, your girlfriends won't let you go with him. before the age of 25, women have this miss ill informed taylor swiftian notion of sisterhood. we will do anything to protect our own. like you can't have stacy. we will form aha no, stacy. [ laughter ] the subtext of, you can't have her is, of course, because you didn't want me, but that's a a whole other ted talk. [ laughter and applause ] what i want to say to the women here is, enjoy the sovereignty of your youth, because after 30, it's different. after 30, guess what, chickens?
after 30, your girlfriends don't care if you die. listen to me. shivering alone in a forest. after 30, your sex life becomes our entertainment. [ light laughter ] after 30, we're going to be like, go with him! we want to see what happens. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you. >> jimmy: oh! come on. iliz the "confirmed kills" tour begins november 4th. tickets are available at iliza.com. we'll be right back, everyone. [ cheers and applause ]