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tv   Today  NBC  February 3, 2016 2:07am-3:00am PST

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how do you like that?@ we're breaking our back trying to get a story, and gracie walks in with one, and a good one too, true to life. most people get the idea that doing a television show is a cinch. for instance, take my monologue. they think all i've got to do is stand up and tell a few jokes. well, it's not as easy as it looks. every year it gets to be more of an effort to stand up. (audience laughing) people are always sending in suggestions for gags and plots like a letter i got
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"my dear mr. burns, my wife is another gracie allen, "and i'm sure you could use what she said "the other night when i came home from work." well, i didn't finish the letter. i knew right away she wasn't another gracie allen. if she was, she wouldn't be working. (audience laughing) but i wish you could meet my four writers. when you get to know them, writers are very much like people. they're affected by the way they feel. for instance, if one of my married writers should come in with an idea for a story about a husband being kicked around by his wife, i know right away he's temporarily having trouble at home. and if my other married writers think the idea is funny, they're not having trouble. that's a temporary condition too. (audience laughing) then i've got one who plays the horses. if he has a bad week, his jokes aren't very funny. if he has a good week, he doesn't write at all because he doesn't need the money. (audience laughing) that last joke is his. he's been on a bad losing streak.
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entirely on writers. now, they're in trouble, but not me 'cause i know how to switch a joke. let's take that old classic. who is the lady i saw you with last night? that was no lady, that was my wife. now, that can be switched a lot of ways. take a sultan could say to his friend, "which one of my wives did i see you with last night?" or, one frenchmen could say to another one, "why didn't i see you with my wife last night?" or an englishman could say to another englishman, "who is the lady i saw you with last night?" and the other englishman would say, "that was no lady, that was a duchess. (audience laughing) and king arthur could say to lady guinevere, "who was that last knight i saw you with this morning?" (audience laughing) some comedians need writers, and boy am i one of them. (phone ringing) - good afternoon, tucker matrimonial agency, mr. tucker speaking.
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and i've got to do it fast. - well, we have a splendid selection of young ladies. oh, well, all right, i'll be right down to pick one out. - well, that's somewhat unusual. - well, his father told me to do that. - well, very well, but when you come down be sure and bring a picture of him. - all right. - [gracie] why would he want a picture of his father? if he wants a picture of george, i guess the man knows his business. - that george burns must have lost his mind. - surprised that such a small object wasn't misplaced long ago. (audience laughing) - [george] (sung) from time to time in every clime. oh, hello, blanche, you wanted to see me? - [blanche] no, i wanted to talk to you. believe me, seeing you is no pleasure. - blanche, you're beautiful. i've never seen you look prettier. - [harry] george burns, are you out of your mind? - no, i meant it, i think blanche looks beautiful. i've never seen her look better. - i was referring to young ronald. - well, he thinks so too. you're the only one who doesn't.
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you must have had a good night's sleep. you look beautiful. look, beautiful. - george, george, for someone who thinks them self so clever you are pretty stupid. imagine sending gracie to a matrimonial agency to find a wife for ronnie. i never heard of such a thing. - it is impossible to conceive that you would have so little regard for the future welfare of your offspring. you are unworthy of the name of father. - you're a miserable husband too. it's not bad enough that you thought of this idea, but to make gracie do your dirty work for you. ooh, how could anyone be so low? - on previous occasions, i knew that you were totally lacking in the finer sensibilities, but this time you have plunged the abysmal depths. - he means you're lower than a worm. aren't you going to say anything? - [blanche] why did you do it? - because i couldn't wait for my writers to see jack benny.
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marriage is a novel institution. thousands of women have come to me seeking love and companionship, and i am proud to say that i have made all of them very happy. - my goodness, how did you find time to do all that and run your business too? (audience laughing) - i meant that i found mates for them, and i'm certain that i can find the ideal mate that you're looking for. - oh, all right. now, the ideal mate that i had in mind is the kind of a -- - well, before you do that, did you notice mr. campbell outside, the gentleman sitting on your right? - well, i couldn't help noticing him because every time i did he was noticing me. - well, i'm sure he would. now, mr. campbell is very anxious to get married, and these are the personal files on several prospects that i think would fit his requirements, but now before i show them to him, i wonder if you would be interested.
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i certainly would. - oh, mrs. burns, these files contain very personal information about some of my lady clients. - yeah, so i see. oh, i wish blanche were here to enjoy them with me. - mrs. burns, please, now, i didn't mean for you to read this confidential information. i'm trying to interest you in mr. campbell. - well, i'll read his later. now, listen what this mrs. mamie wallace said. "i am in the sunset of life and would like a husband "about the same age. "i feel that a late marriage can be a happy one." a late marriage, well now isn't that silly. if they get married after eleven o'clock at night, where can they go? all the movies are closed. (audience laughing) - mrs. burns, may i? - yes, i'm finished with that one. - this is the one i want you to see. mr. campbell. mr. campbell is a fine gentleman
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- oh, yes, it says here that it comes from his last two wives. - yes, well that's not important. i'm sure now that mr. campbell is the kind of husband that you're looking for. - husband? now i'm not looking for a husband for ronnie. he wants a wife. - i don't understand, ronnie? - don't you remember? i'm mrs. burns, i phoned you earlier. - oh, yes, about the young man. - yes, and here's the picture you asked me to bring over, and the address is right there. goodbye. oh, and as soon as you get a couple of good prospects send them right over because ive only got four months left to stay out. (audience laughing) -well, they all say they're young. this is ridiculous. (audience laughing) - i wonder how that story is developing. you must admit that was pretty fast thinking putting in von zell's picture instead of ronnie.
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and take a little peak. von zell is going to get into trouble, and i'd like to enjoy it. - that's all i can tell you, mrs. crowley. this is the man that mrs. burns said is looking for a wife. - good heavens, i'm anxious, but i'm not desperate. (audience and george laughing) - don't turn him down too fast. i have a feeling that this man has money. - that's possible. he must have something. well, i think i'll go over and talk to him. you know, there's one thing. if he does have money, it may not be too bad. he certainly can't last much longer. - don't let that influence you, von zell doesn't look that bad. i've got to phone him and get him over here to meet mrs. crowley, and keep the story rolling. - hello. - [george] won't you come in?
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i'm mrs. crowley. mr. tucker sent me over. - oh, yes, mr. von zell and i have been expecting you haven't we harry? - we? - well, we need a bigger apartment. - you don't even look as young as your picture. it must have been taken some time ago. - when did you take that picture, harry? - i took it -- - but you seem to be well off, and you look like a gentlemen, so i accept your proposal. - i think this should be sealed with a kiss. - all right. (audience laughing) - out! out! i'm sorry, there's been a mistake. that's the fellow you're supposed to marry. - oh, no, it was your picture i saw at the agency. - my picture? now i know there's been a mistake. - well, i never heard of such a thing in all my life. i'm going to talk to that mr. tucker. - i'm sorry it turned out to be such a mess. - so am i, but i was willing to marry you anyway.
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- somebody switched the picture. great, somebody is helping me write the story, and i don't know who it is. - i don't see anybody in the living room, harry. are you sure you're right? - right, well, of course i'm right, gracie. this woman walked in, threw her arms around george, and kissed him, and said, "i accept your proposal." (dialing the phone) - [harry] gracie, what are you doing? - oh, two can play at the same game, but when three are playing, it's better to make it four. (phone ringing) - tucker matrimonial agency, mr. tucker speaking. - oh, hello, mr. tucker, this is mrs. burns. i've changed my mind. i am in the market for a husband.
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- [gracie] oh, hello. - hello, i'm mr. campbell. - [gracie] oh, i remember you, come on in. - thank you. mr. tucker sent me over. i came to ask for your hand. - oh, well, you can have it and everything it's connected to. (audience laughing) george, this is mr. campbell, my future husband. - hello, mr. campbell. i'm mr. burns her present husband. - you're married to her. - [george] that's right. - and you want to marry me? - that's right. - i'm a little confused. - oh, well, none of us is perfect. i'll marry you anyhow. - what a wedding lou and edie had. - [gracie] well, if you think that was a wedding, wait 'til you come to ours. ronnie, i want you to meet your new father. - what? dad, would you mind telling me what's happening? (doorbell ringing) - i'd love to tell you, but i still haven't got it finished. - what? (doorbell ringing) mother, i'm confused.
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will get along fine, he's mixed up too. (audience laughing) - there he is mr. tucker. tell him. - this lady came here in good faith to be your wife. sir, you have done her a grave injustice. - won't you step into our living room? i think my finish just walked in. well, now that we're all together, i'd like to clear this up. this is my wife, mrs. burns. i'm mr. burns. we've been married for years, and we're going to stay married. - do you really mean that, george? - of course. - oh, well then i'm going to tear up my letter. oh, poor mother, she'll be heartbroken. - i know. and this is my son ronnie. he's single, and he's going to stay single. - thank you, dad. - this is too much for me. i'm going home to my ranch. - you have a ranch? - in oklahoma.
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a wealthy, oklahoma rancher? - i'd love it. - charming woman. - i think so. - go to work. - mrs. crowley. - my pleasure. - well, as we say in the tucker agency, "it's never too late for love and companionship." but don't forget now, my fee is 15 percent of the first year's income. (audience laughing) - you know he's doing better than mca? well, right on the nose. i not only got a finish, but we've got a happy ending. except for my writers, them i'm going to fire.
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- thank you. - thank you. - thank you. - thank you. thank you very much. well, gracie, what do we talk about? - well, we could talk about my great uncle wyatt allen. he was a western town marshal,
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he sounds like a very colorful character. - oh, he was. - wyatt allen? - yes, what a fine figure of a man. you know, you should have seen him striding down the street with his marshals badge on his chest, and his big, broad shoulders, and his narrow waist, and no hips. - no hips, huh? - no, he shot them off trying to get his guns out of the holsters. - well, that ought to do it. were the bad men frightened of wyatt allen? - oh, you bet they were, and when he started shooting, the bad men were no safer than anybody else. - your uncle sounds like a great shot. - he was a perfect shot. everybody who shot at him, hit him. - you mean nobody ever missed? - nope. - he was that good? - perfect. - that's because he was fast on the draw. - oh, the fastest in all the west. you know, he had very strong hands, and now for instance -- - his hands were really strong. - yes, strong, and for instance, - powerful hands you mean. - yes. - a lot of strength in them. - yes. - yes. - well, i said that. - well, i wasn't sure.
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and uncle wyatt forgot that he wasn't wearing his guns. - well, what did he do? - well, he slapped his hands down where he thought his guns were, and he pulled so hard and so fast, that his pants came off. - what did the bad man do? - what could he do? he'd never had a pair of pants pointed at him before so he just gave up. (audience laughing) - i'd have done the same and maybe we should. - well, not until i tell you about his horse. - oh? - oh, wyatt loved it. it was a beautiful all white stallion. he called it old paint. - old paint? isn't that sort of a silly name for a white horse? - well, why? that's the color he painted it. - oh, he painted it white. - in fact, for a while it was known as wet paint. - wet paint, and that's the horse your uncle loved. well, no wonder you were proud of your uncle wyatt allen. - oh, yes, george, he was a great man. he finally brought law and order to the whole district. - he did, huh? - uh huh. (affirmative)
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- say good night. - good night. - good night. (applause) appearing on tonight's show - i'm going to try and get joyce again. you know i've been trying to date her for the last two days, and her line always seems to be busy. there it goes again. i guess i'll try the operator. - well why not, you know she might be just as pretty as joyce. - i'll try later. - [gracie] let me tell your father we're leaving. - you know joyce hasn't had much time for me since ralph got that new convertible. boy, what a car. it's one of those new racing jobs, it practically takes off. - well i didn't know ralph had a new car. - yeah, his father gave it to him for passing a semester. - oh, well if it's as fast as you say i'm sure it can pass anything. you know, i can't tell one foreign car from another. are these semesters very fast too? - no, mother, you see ralph's father gave him this car as a present for getting good grades last term.
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oh, ronnie, i happen to know your father bought you a present too. - really? - uh-hum, but i don't think it was a car. i saw the package it was just about this big. george, george we'll be back later. ronnie and i are going shopping. - wait a minute, i got a present for ronnie. - well i guess i shouldn't expect too much. - well, of course not, i never expect too much, and than when i get it i'm only disappointed once. - i understand. - but whatever your present is make a big fuss over it. - all right mother. - you know your father feels bad enough because he's so cheap. - (mumbling) for getting those good marks this term. - oh thanks dad, that's swell of you. - well it's just a token, it isn't much. - not much, why it's beautiful. it's simply gorgeous, it's just what he wanted. - he hasn't opened the box yet. - well that's true, but i think i can do better
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- it's nice, it's very, very, very nice. - he could have done much better if he didn't know what it was too. - [george] it's just a tie. - i know, but it's nice, it's very, very, very nice. - well ronnie i know you got good marks, but they couldn't have been in english composition. - oh, and what lovely colors. what wonderful material, it's gorgeous, and four stripes. - ronnie, isn't it very nice? - that's exactly what i was going to say. - i thought so. - [gracie] well come on ronnie, we got to go shopping dear. - [ronnie] goodbye dad. - [gracie] goodbye. - goodbye. - [george] ronnie, you going to leave your tie here? - well why not, who would want to steal that? (audience laughs) - believe me, i was thinking of getting ronnie something better than a tie. i was thinking of a car or a speedboat, but i knew if i got him a car he'd want a speedboat. if i got him a speedboat he'd want a car, so i got him a tie.
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i think it's ridiculous every time your son passes an exam you've got to give him a present. my father never gave me anything. come to think of it he never had a chance, did he? (audience laughs) at least when it comes to expecting presents i can handle ronnie better than i can gracie. right after we were married i got a little mixed up and i gave gracie an anniversary present a month ahead of time. now every year i got to give her a right anniversary present and a wrong anniversary present. (audience laughs) then there was the time where i came an hour late for dinner, and i had to buy her a little something, you know, a little peace offering, and the next night i was right on time. she set dinner an hour earlier. i had to go out and get her something else. this kept on until i wound up having pot roast and horseradish with my oatmeal in the morning. there must be at least 50 days
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i'm thankful for father's day. that's the one day that everybody -- no, on that day i've got to give gracie a real big gift. she explained if it wasn't for her i wouldn't be a father. (audience laughs) i remember when i was a kid my father got sentimental and he bought my mother one of those add a pearl necklaces, you know where you give somebody a pearl on a string and you add to it every year. well, we were very poor, but my father kept it up. at the end of 15 years my mother had that same pearl and about 200 yards of string. (audience laughs) in our neighborhood we kids got presents, but they were practical presents. like the family upstairs, they bought louie, their oldest boy, a pair of sneakers for christmas so he could sneak down on our floor and steal our milk every morning. and my christmas present was a bar of soap so i could soap the stairs so louie would slide past our floor and steal the milk from the people below us.
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and then i would steal the milk from louie on his way up again. (audience laughs) if ronnie doesn't like that tie with the four stripes i'll just have to add another stripe. i take after my father. - oh good afternoon madam, hi, i'm leeza gibons with an amazing story about how philips lifeline gives betty white peace of mind and gave my father a second chance at life. daddy is invincible. that's how we want to think about our parents. knowing that dad lives alone, we worry. that's why was so hard for all of us when he had his heart attack. i wasn't feeling well that day. the heart attack hit me, i fell to the floor, and i was trying to crawl back to the bed. of course in excruciating pain. i'm alive today because of philips lifeline. philips lifeline is the number one medical alert service in the u.s. today. you get fast easy access to help any time. daddy was been a little resistant.
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get fast, easy access to help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. call today or visit don't wait! i mean why don't take the chance call philips lifeline now! may i read your tea leaves? - oh good afternoon, well sure help yourself. you know after i've been shopping all day i'm too tired to read anything.
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- no, no madam, i'm madam olga. i'll tell the past, present, and future. - oh good, but tell them to me one at a time so i'll know which is which. (audience laughs) - i see many strange things in the bottom of your cup. - oh, well, don't tell my son. i told him this is a very neat place. - i see an ocean voyage. - well you're amazing, now how did you know that? i took one eight years ago. - the leaves know everything. - oh, which one is me? - that one right there. - are you sure, i look awfully wet, and i never did fall overboard. - what? - oh, now i remember. on the boat i took a shower. (audience laughs) - the tea leaves never lie. - no, the tea leaves have a better memory than i have.
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- i can see your husband. - is it that little pointed one right there? - that's right. - i'd know george anyplace. (audience laughs) - i see your husband surrounded by a great deal of money. - yeah, well why wouldn't he be, he never lets go of any. - oh. - well look at ralph's father. he bought ralph a car that goes even faster than a semester. - (mumbling) very soon your husband is coming into a great deal of money. - oh marvellous. - that will be 50 cents. - oh, well if that's all he's coming into i better cancel these sandwiches. - [olga] no, no, no, no, no, that's my fee. your husband's coming into a fortune. - oh, oh, well here's $5 and keep the change. - $5? - well with a fortune my husband is coming into, he'll never miss it.
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- well joyce's line is busy again. - oh, well ronnie hurry up and finish your lunch. i've got some more shopping to do. i want to stop off and buy you a convertible and some nice fresh tomatoes for your father. - [robbie] for me? - no, just the convertible. i want the fresh tomatoes for your father. - what happened? - well your father just came into some money. - well i didn't hear anything about it. - well naturally because i hadn't told you, you see, but if your father wanted to surprise me there was no reason why i shouldn't surprise you. see it's all in the family. - miss, the check please? - and give her a $5 tip. - $5 ? - uh-hum. - do you have four? oh, hi everybody. - [blanche] hi honey.
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- oh boy, what a job. - yeah, mom and i just picked it out. - well how can you afford it? - afford it, dad just made a fortune. - really, how, did he invest in stocks? - i don't know, all i know is that when joyce sees this job ralph's going to be the one getting the busy signal, see you. - i wonder how george acquired this fortune. - can't be the same way he made his first one. he's already married to her. - he must have bought stock. i wish we knew what it was so we could get in on it. - yeah, well how can we find out? - well that's no problem, let's go over and ask george. after all, he's been our friend and neighbor for years. - sure, and the best boss i ever had. - [blanche] and, and, and, and, and -- i'll think of something too. - [harry von zell] george is a wonderful guy. - [harry morton] and an excellent comedian. - [harry von zell] right.
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- why blanche, that's ridiculous, george has fine instincts then there's no reason to withhold such information. i'm sure he'll be glad to share his good fortune with us. - harry, i'm sure he would. look blanche, you know i've been with george a long time and we're very close, i know him, george has a heart as big as he is. - then how come we're going up to ask him? (audience laughs) when he found this wonderful thing why didn't he come over and tell us? - well there must have been a very good reason. george wouldn't do a thing like that without a very good reason, huh? - huh? - [harry morton] huh? - no, no, he wouldn't, why would -- blanche, look at it this way. only a man who didn't want his best friends to share his good luck would do a thing like that without a good reason, huh? - [harry morton] huh? - reason.
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have to be a completely reprehensible character to withhold such valuable information from your friends and neighbors. - that's the character we're going up to see. (audience laughs) - blanche, you're, you're, oh that george burns. you're right. - yes. - fine kettle of fish. here we're willing to share with him anything we've got and he turns us down flat. - i never expected that from george. - neither did i. - i did. (audience laughs) - george burns, you're a stinker. - and a cheapskate. - and i knew it all the time. (audience laughs) - sometimes i don't know
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- blanche, i came over as quickly as i could. - and i'm leaving even faster.
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blanche's hasty departure, let me explain. you see sometimes our two families are in a position to help each other. in the past we have aided you and george in many little neighborly ways, and now you are in a position to help us. in other words, one hand washes the other. do you understand? - oh sure, blanche won't help with the washing and you want me to do it. - no, no, gracie, no i was referring to financial aid. - oh, oh you wanted us to help you buy a washing machine. well we'll be glad to lend you the money. - von zell? - i haven't got the heart. - i shall pay the burden. gracie, just a very short while ago i learned that george has come into a considerable sum of money. - oh, isn't it wonderful and with the money he made this morning we'll be fabulously rich. - von zell? - we're getting what we deserved.
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how did george make this money? in steel, rail, oils? - in tea. - oh george has been in the commodity market. - well no, no, no, it was the supermarket and it wasn't him, it was me. i was there to buy a pound of tomatoes. - i am not interested in tomatoes. - well you would be if you ate them the way george does, you know with the skin on. - i like them that way too. - gracie, please, please tell me how did george make this money? we wish to invest in the same thing. - oh well why didn't you come right out and say so? i met somebody who knows more about george's finances than i do, so all i have to do is go back and ask. - will you please? - well of course. - to think our fate rests in her hands.
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- it's ronnie getting out of a new car. must be ralph's. that's what his father got him for getting those good grades, and ronnie's grades were just as good, and all i got him was a necktie. no wonder the morton's and von zell came up and insulted me. necktie, that was pretty cheap. believe me, if i had to do it all over again, i'd do the exact same thing. (audience laughs) - [ronnie] dad, dad, dad, i just had to come up here and thank you for that wonderful present you gave me. - i know, it's very, very, very nice. - nice, why that's the greatest gift a father could give a son. - [george] okay ronnie. - i only wish i deserved it. - you're, uh, you're overdoing it. - no, i mean every word of it. you know, there isn't a girl in town that won't fall flat on her face when she sees me in it. - well if it does that much i'll have to borrow it myself sometimes. - oh, any time dad. don't you think it would be a little flashy for you?
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with green polka dots once. - really, you must have painted it yourself. - no, before i worked with your mother i sold some hand painted socks, but that's as far as i went. - well dad, i hate to ask you this now that you've given me such a terrific present, but i'll need an increase in my allowance. - increase in your allowance? - well yeah, gas alone is about 10 bucks a week. - look ronnie, you know that you might drop a little food on it now and then, but how much gasoline does it take to clean a necktie? - necktie, oh dad, you're a smash. come on out, i want to show you that new convertible. it's just great, it's beautiful, look. look, there it is, isn't it a beauty? - it's very, very, very nice. - you know it's a lucky thing for me you ran into all that money. thanks dad. - i better turn on my television set
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i bought ronnie a car before i knew i had it. there must be plenty of it left. (audience laughs) - mrs. burns, you mean you actually went out when you left here and bought your son a convertible just because i read your tea leaves and said your husband was coming into a fortune. - oh madam olga, you are absolutely right. you see my husband was making all this money while you were telling me about it. - he was? - well sure, believe it or not, by the time i got home our next door neighbors knew all about it. - they did? - uh-hum, now read the tea leaves and tell me how george made the money. - oh, well my eyes aren't quite what they were at lunchtime. - but i've got to know. you see mr. morton and mr. von zell sent me here to find out so they can invest in the same thing. - and you must remember that although the tea leaves are truthful they can't give all the details, you know. (phone ringing) - excuse me.
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- what you said to my wife madam olga is right. the tea leaves cannot give all the details, and when my wife leaves i'd like you to come to my house with her. i've got to tell you something that's very important. uh-uh, don't smoke that cigarette. smoke it on your way out here. (audience laughs) - how did you know what i was doing? - i read cigar ashes. (audience laughs) - i'll be right over. - you're right, i'm getting to the point where i don't believe this myself. well gracie is on her way over with my financial advisor, and you can invest in the same thing i did, and do as well as i did. - well thank you boss. - thank you neighbor. - and i want to thank you for these lovely slippers, and harry, you, for this gorgeous robe. - well it was just our way of making apologies, and george, believe me, we would have brought
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let us in on this lucrative deal. - true, true. - [george] oh yes, very, very, very nice. - george, here's madam olga. she said she's very anxious to talk to you. oh, and this is mr. von zell and mr. morton. - how do you do. - how do you do. - hello madam olga. - [olga] and you. - and gracie, would you fix us some tea. - oh all right, but madam olga isn't working with tea anymore. from now on she said she's just using cigar ashes. - well, let's start from the beginning. madam olga, my wife had lunch in your tea room today? - [olga] that is correct. - you read fortunes? - [olga] that is correct. - you read her tea leaves and said that i was coming into a fortune? - [olga] that is correct. - with a lot of money, huh? well i'll take it from here. she believed that story and bought my son a car, which i'm returning, and of course, the rumor spread, and two very intelligent friends of mine wanted to get in on the same deal. one is my neighbor, and the other used to work for me.
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if you look fast you'll see them sneaking out with a robe and pair of slippers. - that is correct. - which i should have gotten my son instead of that cheap tie that started this whole thing. would you care for some tea? - [olga] thank you. - out. (audience laughs) anyway madam olga i'm glad it started that way. you see, every show has a start, and every show needs a finish. now that was our start.
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(applause) - thank you, thank you very much. well gracie, who do we talk about today? - well, um, how about noah allen, my cousin, the famous veterinarian. - noah allen, he was an animal doctor? - no, he was a human doctor who took care of animals, yes. - yeah, well he sounds nice. let's talk about him.
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to treat a pig for a nervous breakdown. - a pig that had a nervous breakdown? - yeah, that's right. you see this pig had a litter of 13 little pigs, and she could only set places for 12. (audience laughs) - well that would make me nervous too, but did he ever do any normal things like bathing a dog or clipping them? - oh yes, he invented the french poodle cut. - the french poodle cut? - yeah, you know, where they just clip the middle of the dog and leave the head and tail bushy. - and he invented that? - oh well accidentally. you see, some women brought him a vicious poodle to be clipped, and so he started in the middle. - yeah, in the middle, yeah. - yes, and that went all right, but, uh, when he got near the tail the dog was able to turn around and bite him. - oh okay, so he had to leave the tail bushy. - yes. - but how do you account for the head? why couldn't he clip that? - oh, well because when he got near that the dog was able to turn around and kick him, yeah, uh-hum. (audience laughs)
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- well anyway, one of his regular patients was a cute little cocker spaniel, who was always swallowing things, and one day he swallowed noah's wristwatch. - oh, noah's watch? - yes. - what did noah do? - well what could he do? he didn't have any tweezers that were long enough to reach the watch, so he finally took a pair of chopsticks and stuck them down and they were just right. - chopsticks, how can chopsticks get out a watch? - he wasn't trying to get it out. - no. - he was winding it, he didn't want it to run down. - i bet that dog must have loved him. - oh all animals loved him. he was so kind and understanding that they thought he was one of them. - i bet he fooled a lot of people too. - he did, and did you know that he was the only man in the far west who knew how to get hot food all the way down a giraffe's long neck without it getting cold on the way down. (audience laughs) - would you repeat that again? - all right, did you know he was the only man in the far west who knew how to get hot food
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without it getting cold on the way down. - i didn't think you could. how did this genius do that? - oh well, it was easy. he had the giraffe eat while standing in a tub of hot water that came up to his chin. (audience laughs) - well how did he get a tub deep enough that would come up to a giraffe's chin? - he also invented the french poodle cut. - (mumbling) yes. - and then he almost got a job as a psychological advisor at an ostrich farm. - you mean ostriches have psychological problems too? - oh terrible ones. - they do, huh? - yeah, do you know how ostriches bury their heads in the sand, and think they're hiding? - of course, they put their heads in the sand and they can't see anybody and they think that nobody can see them. - well sure, and if cousin noah could have talked them out of that stupid idea, he'd have had the job. - but he couldn't talk them out of it? - well he had no chance. when he got out to talk to them they'd all hide their heads in the sand
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- goodnight. - goodnight.
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