tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC February 5, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST
he'd have to cancel the debt. ah, you've got a soft spot, too right here. what do you mean? we can't keep it. why not? oh, janet... now, come on, you guys. you know roper's rules: no dogs or babies allowed. oh. yeah, well, we're keeping half of the bargain, so far. if we keep this dog mr. roper will cancel our lease. we'll be out on the street! ( doorbell rings ) she's right, jack. well, what am i supposed to do now?! larry's not going to take that dog back-- that lousy used car salesman... hi, larry! we were just talking about you! hi, jack. come on in! you know larry. sure. what are you giving away this time-- your pet tarantula? larry, it's about the dog. i know, i know. you don't have to tell me. that's a relief. i thought you'd object. why would i object? isn't he something? i won't charge you either. charge for what?
i forgot to give it to jack. it's good for the teeth. i didn't know your teeth were giving you trouble, jack. it's for the puppy. larry, you're going to have to take this dog back. you don't want that sweet little cute little, loveable little...? larry, we are not allowed to have any pets. you've got him, haven't you? he's housebroken. here. no, wait! whoa! what about the 25 bucks? i'll pay you somehow. here. hey, she really likes you, you know. larry... she knows you wouldn't betray her. larry, please. we just can't have a dog. oh, much as we love her. why don't you hold her for a minute, chrissy? larry. okay, i get the message. well, that's it, little girl. i've tried everybody i know. nobody seems to want you. i guess i'll just have to, you know. "have to" what? have her put to sleep. ( gasping ) hey, that horror story stuff won't work here. yeah, well, uh...
we... we won't. okay. it's the last time you'll be seeing her. you want to give her one last little stroke, chrissy? larry? yeah? bye. i'm going. well... anyone for coffee? hey, he won't do it, you know. not larry, that old softie. how about a cookie? he'll get rid of it somehow. what?! i mean, he'll give it to someone else. would you like a cookie, chrissy? anyway, it's not my responsibility, is it? look at this! your favorite kind, chocolate chip! it's got nothing to do with me. i'm not going to lose y sleep over a stupid little puppy. for heaven's sakes, go get the dog. right. hey, lar...! i'll see you...
chrissy... chrissy... oh, my god... oh, jack! jack! what is it? chrissy is walking in her sleep again. come on! chrissy... oh, boy, just as i was dozing off. why can't she sleepwalk in the daytime? janet: stop shouting. jack: i'm not shouting. ( loud clanging ) ( jack screams ) oh! shh! quietly! i almost broke my neck on this garbage can. i don't know how to do that quietly. yeah, that's it. in the door. that's right.
no, no. no, no. ( groaning ) that's a girl. now back to bed. i don't know how she can make it down those steps asleep. i'm awake, and i fall down. that's a girl. she's getting back in bed. is she really still asleep? yeah! oh, boy, i hope she doesn't keep walking all night. yeah, well, maybe i'll... just leave my bedroom door open, just in case. maybe not. well, i'll just go put some iodine on this graze. good night. don't worry about me. it's just a flesh wound. i'll be fine.
shh! ( whimpering continues ) shh-shh-shh! shh! ( whimpering continues ) ( loud whimpering ) quiet! shh! if roper catches you he'll sell you to the burger joint on the corner. what's the matter, little girl, huh? hmm? what's going on? the little thing can't sleep. you know, maybe she's hungry. we better feed her. want to have some din-din, huh, little baby? watch out for that table. oh, boy. oh, what are we going to do? chrissy? chr... chrissy?! ( giggling ) oh, that's cute. ( chrissy giggling ) there's nothing a girl likes more than a little tickle on the tummy.
like this. yeah. is that better? now, that is much better. and you are so beautiful! ( kissing ) get a blanket. oh, no, it's warm enough in here. oh. ooh! i love your eyes. here you go. this is going to make you feel so good. ooh, i could kiss every inch of you! no! jack. not on the table! on the floor's better! oh! all right, you guys! knock it off! hi. hi. hi. you little... ( doorbell rings )
at night anymore? it's probably larry trying to sell us so used earplugs. you got a dog up here? ( both laughing ) what makes you think that? i've been hearing a lot of whimpering. oh, you mean like this? ( whimpering ) yeah. oh. well, you see, i stubbed my toe and, uh... and whenever i hurt myself, i cry and that's the way i cry. ( whimpering ) you really are a very strange person. you know, lucky for you, you don't have a dog up here. otherwise, you'd be out on the street. and that goes for all of you. ( puppy whimpering ) shh! shh! shh! ow! ( imitating puppy ) toe... ( imitating puppy ) very strange.
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i hope jack finds someone to take her. yeah, he's already made about 20 calls. i feel so sorry for the poor little thing. she has no place to go. are you kidding? i've counted six places she's gone already. any luck? no luck. ( doorbell rings ) would you look at this dog food-- see if it's supposed to be heated? oh, janet, i'm sorry to bother you but i need to borrow some milk. milk? milk. of course you can borrow some milk... mrs. roper. of course you can... mrs. roper. you see, i had a quart, but it went sour. mr. roper fixed our fridge and you know how he fixes things. now it deep-frosts every time we flush the toilet.
chrissy, would you bring mrs. roper some milk?! oh, you girls don't have to wait on me. i'll get it myself. oh! you want to go into the kitchen, mrs. roper? do you find it a trifle noisy in here, dear? come in, mrs. roper. hi. here you are. oh, thank you, chrissy. hello, jack. oh... oh... is that something you made in cooking school today? yes, as a matter of fact, it is. it's a beef bourguignon. oh... that's french, isn't it? uh, most of it. that looks delicious! oh, but that's not enough for the three of you, is it? leftovers. i was just throwing this out. oh, no, no. don't throw it out. oh, yes, there's too much for us.
for mr. roper. the only time he tries something french is when he gets a side order with his big mac. mrs. roper, i can't let you have that! why not? well, it's, uh... it's cold. oh, i'll heat it up in a jiffy. thanks, kids. sure. oh, what are we going to do now? i don't know. the little puppy will just have to go hungry. hold it, hold it. hey... we can't let roper eat dog food. oh, why not? it's only horse meat. well, you know, a lot of people do eat horse meat. yeah, maybe with a berner sauce but not with added bone meal and marrow bone jelly. maybe it'll give roper a nice glossy coat. besides, maybe he just won't eat it. right. there is only one way to tell. the next time we see roper, we'll throw a stick.
i think i better go down and stop him. i fixed that drainpipe. i must have gone up and down that ladder 50 times today. well, you should be getting the hang of it soon. so much to do around here. you know, that ladder's really been a big help to me. why don't you bring it into the bedroom sometime? i hope you got something good to eat. i'm so hungry, i could eat a horse. i got a special treat for you tonight, stanley. jack made it. it's beef bourguignon. what's all that jelly stuff in there? it's supposed to be in there. smells funny. it's french. oh. why aren't you having some? oh, well, there wasn't enough for both of us so i'm just having the stew
you sure this stuff is good? oh, for heaven sakes, stanley. jack made it. it's a gourmet dish. it's wonderful. then you eat it. i'm going to stick with the stew. i'm not in the mood to experiment. you never are. ( knocking at door ) your stew's not very good but at least i'm used to it. oh, jack! i'm sorry to bust in on you like this. i can't let you eat that, mr. roper! wait a minute, wait a minute. hey, hey. hey, hey. i'll just flush it down the sink here! helen, stop him! i'll explain later, mr. roper. that was my dinner. yes, well, good night. he dumped my dinner down the sink. i heard. what is he, crazy or something? oh, he's probably just shy about people eating his cooking
he dumped my dinner down the sink. oh, now, don't get excited, stanley. my dinner's floating out to sea and you tell me not to get excited? i'll fix you something else. never mind, never mind. i'll eat some of this french, uh what do you call it? janet, i've just been in the bathroom. oh, must you announce those things? the puppy's not there. it's gone. what? i thought you took it to bed with you. i wouldn't. what about fleas? i don't think the dog would mind. janet, that little puppy could not climb out of the box by herself. someone must have taken it. chrissy? yeah. chrissy? yeah? oh, jack! oh! i'm sorry! oh, no that's my fault. i shouldn't stick my nose into other people's doors. you want some coffee? no time. i got to get to work. have you seen the puppy?
( sighs in relief ) what?! chrissy, wait a minute! how did that puppy get down there? i gave it to them. why did you give it to the ropers? i had to find a home for it, and we have visiting rights. the ropers know we were keeping a dog up here. no, they don't. if you gave it to them... uh-uh. they don't know that i gave it to them. you wore a mask? no, i wore my robe. see, i put it out on their front doorstep this morning. oh, you didn't leave that puppy down there all by itself? i waited till i saw mrs. roper pick it up. i put it where they wouldn't miss it: on top of their morning paper. i bet that put a damper on their news. chrissy... what made... what made you think that mrs. roper would want a dog? anybody who loves parakeets must love dogs. what about mr. roper? she loves him, too. otherwise, she wouldn't stay with him.
i got to get to work, janet. wait a minute! good morning, chrissy. isn't he... darling? yeah! ohh! look... yeah... where did you get him? ahh... some blonde left him on my doorstep. oh, you saw me? i mean, her. i'm afraid so, dear. oh... oh... hey, gee... i must have been sleepwalking again. she walks around the neighborhood. you put on your robe and slippers before you go sleepwalking, chrissy? uh, well... mrs. roper, we can explain. i know it looks really strange... did you tell them about that french food i ate last night? hey, that's a dog. very good, stanley. you ate that stuff i sent down last night? yeah. what's a dog doing in my building?
oh, now, stanley, stop pretending. it's the cutest little anniversary present you ever gave me. what? happy anniversary, mr. roper. anniversary? and what a darling way to give him to me. to surprise me that way-- leaving him on the doorstep. yeah, well... isn't that right, chrissy? yeah! just what i always wanted. well, i... i knew that.
i almost forgot why i came up here. about that french food that i ate last night. i thought i flushed that down the drain. no, that was my wife's dinner. your stuff was delicious. do me a favor, will you? give my wife the recipe. i mean, the stuff she feeds me ain't fit for a dog. [captioned by the caption center wgbh educational foundation] i really appreciate this. my pleasure. i couldn't trust it to the movers. it's an antique.
4-g. fourth floor. that's my floor. howdy, neighbor. howdy. you'll like living here. watch out for mr. sweeney in 2-d. if he asks you to feed his dog, say no. how come? he doesn't have a dog. what time are you and your husband expecting the movers? oh, i'm not married. really. and i don't expect the movers until tomorrow, so i'm stuck with no dishes. i'll lend you dishes. i don't have a chair. i got a chair. i don't even have a bed to sleep in. dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on
are you upset about something? yes. you're damn right. i am upset. you should be honored, john. i do not forward my phone calls to just anyone. it took me 45 minutes to get those messages off my machine. were any of those calls for you? why? well, you may be suffering from message envy. yes. yes. here. all right. mona. ooh! tina. hurt me! bambi. bob morris? my brother called? said he's be in town. i told him you'd be here tonight. john, i have been ducking my brother for years. i hate his guts. he's an obnoxious, conniving,
are you by any chance twins? i got to leave. don't you think you might want to deal with this? i am dealing with this. oh. he's coming down the hall. i got to hide in the storeroom. this could take a while. get your hands off me! it was worth a shot. john, just tell him i'm not here. you're not going to lie for him, are you? it's kirk's brother. what's the big deal? excuse me. i'm looking for kirk morris. i'm his brother. you're bob morris? i'll be damn-- darned. damn darned, that's what i'll be. how do you do? i'm john lacey. i talked to you on the phone. oh, yes. kirk's secretary.
nice to meet you, father bob. i'm louise, and this is ralph, kate, mrs. philbert, tom, and mary beth. everybody. you're kirk's brother? you're kirk's brother? hey, we all have our cross to bear. so, uh, where is he? oh, he's around. hey, aren't we lucky, huh? finally. someone who knows him can tell us all about our dear friend kirk. now, just you sit down and make yourself nice and comfy. i think we may have found our theme for the evening. maybe the year. so, father bob, what was kirk-- what was he like-- tell us-- whoa, whoa, whoa. one question at a time. i'll tell you anything you want to know. why did god
become extinct? ralph, later. father bob's going to tell us all about kirk. now, don't hold back. [doorknob rattles] [banging] what's that? they're just remodeling the storeroom. yeah, now about kirk. tell us all of his deep, dark secrets. [banging on door] where do i begin? [kirk] o.k.! i was right. termites. well... if it isn't my brother the father. it's been too long, kirk. how you been doing? great. how you been doing? me? terrific. actually, i been doing fantastic. really? yeah. i been doing tremendous. come to think of it, i been doing sensational. really?
i been doing phenomenal. my god, there's two of them. listen, kirk, uh... the reason i stopped by is, uh... maybe we should talk outside. no. no. no. you stay. we'll leave. we got nothing to talk about. listen, kirk, uh... i'm going to help out at st. eugenia's, then i'm winging off to a new assignment. i thought we could hang. why? we're family. how will i tell the pope i don't speak to my brother? you'll be working for the pope? no. he's hiring a stranger. what a coincidence. kirk knows the pope, too. you told me he performed your wedding ceremony. no, i said he sent us a waffle iron. working for the pope. you must be very proud.
when he entered the priesthood. my reward is the satisfaction from dedicating my life to others. oh, that's great. aw. what a wonderful brother you have, kirk. whoa, whoa, whoa. let's not start kissing feet here. great to see you. stop by in another 10 years. we want to hear what your brother has to say. i'm not interested in hearing that. kirk, you're acting like a child. your brother was expressing some very noble feelings. yeah. he's an expert on feelings. ask him how he felt when he slept with my fiancee. who'd believe that? oh, come on. father, how did you feel-- ralph. ralph. unfortunately, what kirk says is true. i did sleep with his fiancee. is there a... celibacy problem?
you thought that i-- no. that was years before i became a priest. listen, kirk, maybe it's better if we talk outside. don't be shy. it's all right. oh, no. i got nothing to hide. say it. look, kirk... i'm sorry. i hated myself when barbara called off your wedding, but it was a long time ago. isn't it time you forgave me? you want forgiveness? go ask your pal the pope. i don't know why we're talking. yeah? well, i don't know why we're talking either. you're the same pain you always were. i'd be happy if i never saw your ugly face again. yeah? it'd make me happy, too. i'd be happier. i'd be jubilant. yeah? i'd be ecstatic. yeah? well, i'd be... boy, you are lucky i can't think of another word for happy.
shame on you, kirk. your brother came here to make up. tsk, tsk. oh, boy. he didn't come here to make up. he came here to gloat. to show me how successful he is, tooling around rome in the popemobile. oh, kirk, you heard what your brother said. that's not why he came. oh, sure. believe a priest and not me. guy: hey, sara. oh my gosh. he's so cute. how do you know him? c'mon donovan, do it like i taught ya. love the new tattoo, sara. let's go! dude. what? dude, that's sara. who's sara? the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about. oh, that's sara. theater two on your left.
the rest of my life with her. kirk, i've never seen you this hurt before. neither have i. you really must've loved that girl. loved? what...love? the broad was loaded. now, wait a minute. wait a minute. you're telling me you would've married her only for her money? yeah. so? where are your values? those are my values. you're unbelievable. kirk, i've thrown away cheese that was less offensive than you. what are you all yelling at me for?
he did it to spite me. i hate him. now, listen-- i hate him! listen to your anger. your brother's flying to rome soon. you may never see him again. you'll carry this anger around forever. why don't you talk to him? talk to him, forgive him. then you're rid of it. no. i can never forgive him. why did he have to come here tonight? i don't want to have to throw my weight around... but i say, from now on, we don't let any more priests in here. they only cause trouble. who said new yorkers don't make good neighbors?
let's prove them wrong again. mmm. you know what? what? we could prove them even wronger. it would serve them right. ooh. mmm. you got the prettiest neck in the universe. oh-ho, pretty ears, too. pretty shoulders. you got such pretty parts. thank you. what say we browse around the parts department? [doorbell rings] oh, no! no! damn! damn! i'll be right back. don't move. ooh. unless you're going to move like that. ooh! [ding ding] yes, yes. no. we have to talk. why are you here? don't do tha i thought i could forget about my brother,
yes, you sure do. i got to go to st. eugenia's right now and forgive the bum. right. now you're talking. go. fly. wings on your heels. time's a-wasting. godspeed. don't spare the horses. early bird catches the worm. john! i need you to go there and tell him i forgive him. me? no way. forget it. john, john-- you were so eloquent tonight telling me about getting rid of my anger and all. you moved me. let me move you again. at least promise you'll go down there with me tomorrow. yes. i promise. tomorrow. you promise? 10 a.m. tomorrow. oh, john... ooh! yeah. oh. i owe you, buddy. adios. what will i say? let's go over it. no. that will spoil everything. spontaneity. that's the key. you see, priests love that.
oh, whew! am i. whew! i'm pooped. o.k., john. i'll make coffee. kirk! what? go now before i harm you. what's the rush? mmmmmmmm. what? all right. if you must know, i have a, uh... young--young lady in the bedroom. yes. john, john, john! you pistolero! yeah. why didn't you say something? o.k. shh. shh. no, no, no, no. no, no, no. out. out.
john. you're late. oh, my luck. somebody jumped in front of the subway train. i had to take a local. oh, god. that's terrible. what happened to him? this is new york. if you stick around to find out what happens to every guy who jumps in front of a train, you'll never get anywhere. i'll try to remember that. your brother's hearing confession. you're next. boy, oh, boy. he acts like nobody ever stole a nintendo game before. john, you're better at this than i am. just go in and smooth the way for me. you're putting this off. you should really go in there. john. please? just smooth the way. all right.
um... um... [knock knock] father bob? father bob, it's john lacey. how long has it been since your last confession? no. i'm kirk's friend. in that case, say 10 hail marys. no. father bob. i didn't come here to confess. did you think this was a phone booth? kirk wants to talk to you. hey, i'm working here. i know he's been holding this barbara thing against you all these years. he doesn't want to live with his anger anymore. he wants things patched up. he'll never do it. why not? i know kirk. he's a yutz. slide over. just slide over. what are you doing? slide over. all right. one of you has to leave.
why didn't you deny it? i couldn't lie. i'm in a confessional. jeez. real nice. your brother and i were talking about... you know. what? what? about father bob having sex with your fiancee. a little louder. i don't think they heard you in the rectory. i was telling him you came here to forgive him. all right. leave us alone. not until you both are speaking. i should have left you in bed with that bimbo. you were in bed with a bimbo? i'll wait outside. oh! o.k., o.k. just... hey. watch your hands. we're in a church here. let's get it over with. i'll let you forgive me so you can go. you'll never change, will you? ever since we were kids,
always had to top me at everything, especially in front of dad. what's dad got to do with this? everything. all he ever said was "bob this, bob that." he introduced you to everybody as "the apple of his eye." me, he introduced as "the other one." so that's what you're mad about. this is really not about barbara. i don't know. maybe not. well, good luck in rome. kirk. as long as you're here, i... i have a confession to make. i'm not going to rome. i made up that story about working for the pope. i didn't want you to know that i was a failure.
well, the truth is, i... i can't do anything right. i've been booted out of 17 churches in the last 10 years. you know where i'm going tomorrow? i'll be the chaplain at the weather station in antarctica. uh... bob, i'm sorry. boy, things really have changed, huh? yeah. i'm going off to the middle of nowhere, and you're this important guy in washington. dad told me all about it, about all that top secret work you're doing for the government, how nobody at the pentagon makes a move without you. so dad got my postcards, huh? yeah.
yeah. i'm sure it's what god wants. well... you know, um... as long as we're coming clean, um... there's something i got to confess, too. and i guess this is as good a place as any. yeah? um... well... this is really hard for me to say, but, uh... you know all that stuff about me working at the pentagon? well... it's a good thing you reminded me 'cause i got a meeting there in an hour. those joint chiefs can be real grumps if you're late. so long, kirk. hey, you take care of yourself in antarctica, you hear?
antarctica? what? ant-- oh, uh... just a relative of ours. how did it go? oh. great. great. great. great. i'll really miss that guy. i'll miss him when he goes to rome. hey, good for you, kirk. i gave him some merchandising ideas for the pope. merchandising ideas? yeah. fast foods with the pope's picture right on it. stuff like, i don't know, microwave popecorn. diet popesi-cola. come on, kirk. where are we going? i'm throwing you in front of a train. captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. hi, guys. it's really very easy. look.
friday at the met with jonathan, sunday in the park with george. mary beth's just bought an electronic organizer to keep track of all the gentlemen she's dating. i just write mine in my appointment book. anybody want an appointment book? never used. how in the world do you meet all these men? it's no secret. see a guy you like at a party or restaurant and let him know you're available and interested. and horny. thank you for that profound observation, mrs. philbert. any time, kid. you can call me old-fashioned, but i have an unwritten rule. i insist that the man make the first move. i have the same rule. hi, is this the 1-2-1 club?
i came to talk about joining. i hope i'm not interrupting. no. no. no. we were, uh...just discussing rules. and how they're made to be broken. how shall we start? should i talk about my divorce? oh, right, your divorce. is it final? yes. good. that pretty much covers it. dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on right or wrong now it's all been said and done dear john so long
what a marvelous story! moving, yet so whimsical. kate, settle. right. so what do you do for a living? i'm a free-lance photographer. ohh! ohh! that is absolutely fascinating. my tom here takes pictures, too. problem is we can't get anyone to develop them. you were saying, jason? oh, right. well, uh... i love my work. takes me all around the world-- beijing for the riots, in helsinki for the summit, in berlin when the wall was being torn down. oh, i'd love to see those pictures. unfortunately, i didn't get any. i got so carried away with the emotion that i put my camera down,
and tossed it. my, you're impulsive! and it landed on an east german border guard. i spent the next two weeks taking pictures of the inside of my cell. oh, what an incredible story. i just love a man who-- i'll make fresh coffee. hi, guys! whoo! sorry we're late... but we were working out downstairs at our gym. check that out. ooh, i'm impressed. yeah. and that's without steroids. oh, boy. what a workout. what a workout. i'm proud of you, buddy. they tried to get me to take it easy, but i've never felt better. ow! i've got this spot right here. oh, forgive me. we have a guest.