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tv   Today  NBC  February 5, 2016 2:07am-3:00am PST

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- the hotcakes were good, huh? - delicious. the bacon was crisp. the eggs were done to a turn. the coffee was superb, and we are not having the bedroom redecorated. - how about some of your favorite cinnamon toast topped with a little orange marmalade? - two slices. and when mr. rockford, the decorator, arrives, i shall eject him bodily,
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- harry, please let's have the bedroom done over! - absolutely not! i see no reason whatever spending money decorating a room in which we spend all our time with our eyes closed. - but we don't! we see the room in the morning when we're getting dressed. - you may, but i have schooled myself to keeping my eyes closed while dressing. - why? - because i love you, and one look at you at that early hour of the morning would inevitably lead to divorce. - if we can have the bedroom done over, i'll even let you get away with that. - presumably you are unaware that the cost would be prohibitive. - no, it wouldn't! gracie says mr. rockford is very reasonable. - gracie said! it would be interesting to learn just what reasonable means to a person who was born without the ability to reason. - harry, insult me all you want, but not one word about gracie. - very well.
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- oh, shut up! (doorbell rings) that must be mr. rockford. come in! and harry, please have the courtesy to listen to what he says. - [michael] good morning, mrs. morton! and this must be mr. morton. - a safe surmise. my wife rarely entertains other men at this hour. in fact, she rarely entertains me. - (laughs) my husband's always kidding! it was very nice of you to come by so early, mr. rockford. - not at all! i'm also planning to call on mrs. burns, so it worked out quite conveniently. you see, i have an opportunity to buy a splendid collection of art treasures and antique furnishings for 15,000 dollars, but i must pay cash. i'm hoping mrs. burns will assist me by paying her bill now instead of later in the month. - oh, well, i'm sure she will. about our bedroom, my husband and i have been talking it over, and he feels -- - i will handle the matter, blanche. i am better qualified than my wife to expedite business negotiations.
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- of course. - now, as i understand it, the expense involved will be approximately the same as the fee you are getting from mrs. burns for having decorated her bedroom. - yes,s,hat is correct. 800 dollars. (comedic orchestral music) - my blackberry cordial! - it's on the table, harry. - we're not going to have the bedroom redecorated. - he didn't say that. - no, but don't wait. he won't say anything for months. he's in a state of shock. - if you come back about one-thirty or a quarter of two, i'll have your check for you, i'm sure. - it will certainly be appreciated. mr. burns was pleased with the way i redecorated your bedroom, i hope? - well, he seems crazy about it. - did he like the new oriental highboy i put in for his shirts and linens? - well, he hangs his shirts in the closet, and then he keeps his linens in a small chest.
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what i did to the drawers? - i hadn't noticed that, either. - i put in special brass knobs instead of the usual handles. it was nothing, really, - nothing? well, i can't wait to see his face when he sits down in them! - [michael] forgive me for asking for immediate payment of my bill, but i'll never get another chance to buy an art collection at such a ridiculously low price. - how much is it? - only 15,000 dollars! - 15,000? - yes, and i may call for the check at one-thirty, you said, or quarter of two? - oh, well, maybe you'd better make it two or a quarter after. - very well, i'll see you then mrs. burns. goodbye. - goodbye. - 15,000 dollars just for redecorating our bedroom? how will i ever get george to sign a check for that?
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- what's the joke? - george, i've been married to you all these years, so i'm sure you're going to say something funny! (laughs) - i don't have to, because i already got my laugh. - oh, good! so sign this. - what am i signing? - they can talk about jack benny, and bob hope, and phil silvers, but when it comes to signing the name of george burns, no other comedian can do it as good as you can. - what am i signing? - an autograph. - an autograph? - yes. two of the cutest little children are downstairs, tommy and suzy, and they want your autograph. - tommy and suzy? how come they don't want yours? - they all want celebrities. - have them come up. - no. - why not? - i couldn't do that. - why? - their little legs are too short, and the stairs come up to here.
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- well, all right. i'll ask them. - yeah, well, try. - tommy, suzy, would you like to come up? - mother, has dad got you doing it, too? - that's too bad. their little legs are too short. - and the stretch? look, gracie, i know that's a check you want me to sign. i'm not going to sign it until you tell me who it's for. - george burns, i just hope those little children never find out how mean you are. - true. - [gracie] let's talk out here. - [harry] ok. i came right over as soon as i got your call. - kathy and i were just talking over something in private. - harry, this is ronnie's girlfriend. - oh, hello! - hello. - ronnie, that's funny. i always thought the girl you went with was redheaded. - thanks! - ok.
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joyce? - harry, i wouldn't have called you, but i'm in an awful spot. - that's all right, gracie. what are friends for if not to help? what is it, financial trouble? - mmhmm. - i thought so. (chuckles) you spent a little too much money this month, huh? ran a little short? well, uncle harry can sure fix that. how much did you want? - 15,000 dollars. - 15 -- 15,000? how could you? 15,000 dollars? - yes, i owe it to somebody and i need it by two o'clock. could you write the check and have the bank cash it, please? - gracie, if i wrote a check for 15,000, the bank would send it right back. - wonderful, just so the money gets here by two o'clock i'm out of trouble. - they'd send the check back. - that's even better! i'll have the money, give you back your check,
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- gracie, i've only got 98 dollars in the bank. - after giving me 15,000, you're lucky to have that much! - forget me and just think of this, gracie, if you want to borrow 15,000 dollars you have to go direct to the bank. - all right, i'll phone the man in charge. (cheery orchestral music) - gracie, they'll want security. they might want to mortgage the house. - all right, i'll do it! - how do you happen to owe so much money? - it's a long story, but it wouldn't have been that much if george had been satisfied to keep them on
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- [mr. adams] good afternoon! - [gracie] good afternoon. - i am mr. adams from the loan department at the bank of america. i have to look over your house before we can ok your loan. - well, come right in. we'll start in with the dining room. i called your bank because you're very reliable. - [mr. adams] well, thank you!
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every month so far. - [mr. adams] thank you. - the dining room is in here. - [ronnie] excuse us! - ronnie, who are all those people? - how should i know? i just live here. kathy, you're the sweetest, most adorable girl in the whole world. have i said that already? - you probably have, but not to me. - oh, kathy. - [george] we're all close enough to sing harmony. ronnie, who was that check for that your mother wanted me to sign? - i don't even know who she'd owe all that money to. - how much was it for? - don't you know? - [george] no. - i don't, either. - it's nice of you to protect your mother. she always protects you. she didn't tell you about madeline, did she, tracy? - my name is joyce. (phone ringing) (phone ringing)
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- [voice] hello. may i speak with ronnie, please? - he's not home. - dad, if it's for me, i am home. - you're not, and you'd better keep it that way. - it's just another one of dad's jokes. he wants you to think it's a girl. - you sure you want her to hear this? - hello? - [voice] hello, sweetheart. this is joyce. - i can't talk now! goodbye! - well, goodbye and good riddance, you tall casanova! - mary? yeah, both kids went for it. yeah, they went for the ribbon. thanks a lot. goodbye, mary. - mary? - you see, kathy, i've been a straight man all my life, and when i pull a joke, i go all out. it's an actress i know. you really owe ronnie an apology. - i am sorry, ronnie. will you forgive me? - yes, kathy. - ronnie, isn't there something you'd like to tell me? - [ronnie] it's 15,000 dollars! - fift -- 15,000 dollars?
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come in, mr. rockford! - [michael] hello, mr. burns, thank you. your wife said i might drop by this afternoon and pick up my check. - i've never heard of anybody charging 15,000 to do one bedroom. - no, my bill was only for 800 dollars. mrs. burns must have misunderstood. i did say i needed 15,000 to buy an art collection. - that's where she got -- well, i'll put the check in the mail tonight. - good, i can use it in the morning. thank you very much, mr. burns. - [george] goodbye! - [michael] by the way, does your wife always get this confused? - if she didn't i couldn't sign that check. - goodnight, mr. burns. - goodnight. - [mr. adams] from what i see so far, the house is in excellent shape. the walls seem very solid. - yes. - [george] gracie! who's that? - it's kathy's father. - yes, that's kathy's father. you see, when ronnie marries kathy
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he wants to be sure they have a nice house to live in. - it's mr. shaw, kathy's father. - mr. shaw? hello, mr. adams. - hello, mr. burns! - nice to see you again. how's everything at the loan department? - fine. - good. i'm sorry but we won't have to have the house mortgaged. and, gracie, you don't have to worry about the interior decorator, i've taken care of it. - [gracie] you have? - i have. - [gracie] you're wonderful! thank you, dear! - goodbye, everybody! - [george] goodbye, mr. adams. - [gracie] goodbye! - [harry] goodbye, mr. adams. - if you need me again, just give me a call. - i certainly will. you'll probably hear from me next week. you gave a fine performance. - [mr. adams] what? - [george] nothing. goodbye, mr. adams. - goodbye. - [george] goodbye. he was good. gracie, was this harry von zell's idea? - yes, george, i don't know what i'd do without him. - well, you'll have to do without him, because he's not with us anymore. harry! - it's too late, george.
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- let's go in the kitchen, gracie, and we'll have a cup of coffee. tell me how this whole thing started, and i want you to start at the beginning. - all right. this morning, i went -- - excuse us, we'll go out in the garden. - seems he's kind of stuck on her at that. garden was busy, huh? the living room is nice, yes. new girl, he met her -- - [gracie] last night! - [george] they're a little busy. back to the garden? - were you going to let me go right out? am i really fired? - [george] of course not, harry! i was only kidding. sit down, we'll all have some coffee. gracie's got a great story to tell. start from the beginning. - all right. this morning, i went upstairs, and i said, "george, breakfast is ready," and you said, "i was just on my way down," and i said, "how did you like sleeping
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(applause) - [gracie] thank you! - thank you very much. gracie, which member of your family should we talk about this time? - how about my cousin cecil b. allen, the movie director? - cecil b. allen. sounds familiar. who was he named after? - his father, cecil a. allen. - they were named in alphabetical order? - yeah, cecil b. had two sons named after him. - i get it. cecil c. and d. allen. - no, they're identical twins, c. and c. allen. - c. and c. allen. who did he work for?
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so he started out as a top director for a major studio. - what has he done? - he made two pictures for them. of course, he made them at the same time. - he made two pictures at the same time? - when he started directing it was his first picture, and when he got halfway through the studio decided it was also his last one. - [george] last one? - [gracie] yes. - when he lost his job, what did he do? - he didn't lose his job. they gave him another contract. - they gave him another contract? - oh, sure. you see, the first contract only allowed him to make one picture a year for an outside studio. - and this new contract? - with that, he had to make all his pictures for outside studios. - did he make any outside pictures? - sure! he made an epic that lost over six million dollars. - lost over six million dollars? - the story was from a very bad book. - didn't he know that?
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- no, he never reads the book. he always waits until the picture comes out. - and then he sees it. that's a very, very good idea. this kid sounds like a great director. - the greatest! yes, he was the first one to do a scene where a hundred roman slaves stood by while the heroine took a cottage cheese bath. - cottage cheese bath? that's supposed to be a milk bath. - yes, i know, but cousin cecil made a little mistake and used cold milk. - so? - so the scene took a couple of hours to shoot, and all the time the heroine was shivering in the tub. - cottage cheese? - yep. - what did the studio say about that? - he got another contract. - to make more pictures? - well, sure, and cottage cheese! - the kid is really moving now! - then he made a civil war epic. - another epic? he was loaded with epics! - i know, but this had a wonderful finish! it was the end of the war, and general robert e. lee was leading the victorious southern troops
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he had the south win the war? - he didn't want the people to guess how the picture would come out. - what? asking him to make pictures on the outside wasn't far enough. he should have made them way outside. - [gracie] he did! he went on location and made a jungle epic. - in africa? - no, in a parking lot in glendale. - did that look like africa? - it certainly did, except for the automobiles, but he explained those in the dialogue. - how did he do that? - in the middle of every scene, one of the natives would stop and say, "what are automobiles doing in jungle?" and the other one would answer, "autos taking detour, freeway full of elephants." - say goodnight. - [gracie] goodnight! - [george] goodnight! (applause)
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- ronnie, what's wrong with you this morning? - yeah, you hardly said a word to and from the airport. - i'm worried. i got something on my mind. - [gracie] what's her name? - [blanche] what's her name? - kathy shaw. (audience laughs) - that pretty little girl you met last week? what's the trouble? - i'm serious about kathy and i'd hoped she was about me, but now she's having dates with ralph. - oh, i thought he was your friend? - some friend. last night when i called kathy, her father told me she was out to dinner with him. ooh i could punch him right in the nose. - well you'll never get kathy back that way. why her father? if you're gonna punch anybody, punch ralph. (audience laughs) - honey, he meant ralph. - oh, it's his nose you want to punch. - yeah. see, i had a date with kathy and then she went out with ralph and broke it. - well, if she already broke it then ya have nothing to worry about. (audience laughs) - can't we get this straightened out? - why should we do it?
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(audience laughs) - you know, ronnie, when a girl isn't engaged she has a right to go out with other fellows. so if a fella wants to go steady with a girl, he has to put a ring on her finger. - an engagement ring? - [blanche] mmhmm. - i haven't got enough money to win one in a claw machine. - oh, well you don't have to buy one. give her this. (audience laughs) - your own engagement ring? the one dad gave you? - well i don't need it now. why should a married woman be engaged? (audience laughs) - thanks. do you mind if i go over and give it to kathy right now? - no. - thanks. goodbye, mrs. morton. - [blanche] goodbye. but, gracie, what if george notices that your ring is missing? he might not like your giving it to somebody else. - oh, blanche, don't worry about that. a clever woman can always think of a clever explanation. right, blanche? - right. - well sure. if george notices the ring is gone,
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- oh no, gracie, i get involved between you and george too many times. now you think of something yourself. - well, oh, what if i tell him it's stuffy today so i took my ring off to let my finger get some fresh air? - no. - [gracie] now you see? i need you. when it comes to lying to a husband nobody can do it as good as you can. - well thank you, gracie, but i am not getting involved this -- - [george] anybody home? - uh oh, i'm leaving. gracie, where did the voice come from, the kitchen or the garden? - the kitchen. - the kitchen, mmhmm. (audience laughs) - hello, blanche. (audience laughs) - gracie, you tricked me. - george, blanche has something to tell you. - what is it, blanche? - harry left a message for you.
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- he says to say goodbye. - he told me that this morning. he must think a lot of me to say it twice. (audience laughs) - blanche, now that you've had time to think, tell george what happened to my engagement ring. (audience laughs) - your engagement ring? - it's gone. - what happened to it? where is it? - oh, don't ask me. whatever i say, you'll think i'm lying. (audience laughs) but if you think blanche is lying it won't matter because she doesn't love ya like i do. (audience laughs) - blanche. (audience laughs) (audience laughs) (audience laughs)
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- it's so simple, you wouldn't believe it. - well try me. if i like it i'll use it on my television show. (audience laughs) - may i get up now? - yeah. - well ... - let's have it. hurry up or i'll put you back on my lap again. - well you see when i went to pick up gracie to go to the airport she was washing the dishes and the ring slipped off her finger and it went down the drain. - i like it, i believe it, then i'll use it. and now i'll go call the plumber. - no, no, wouldn't you like me to call the plumber for you? - no, no, i can call the plumber. i'm one of the greatest plumber callers in all of show business. (audience laughs) - i should've gone on that plane with harry. (audience laughs) (audience laughs) - a little surprised i believed blanche's story? well i gotta believe it. that's the plot of our show this week.
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when the plumber gets here i hope he can find that ring. it won't be easy to replace that diamond. they just don't seem to be able to cut them that small anymore. (audience laughs) plumbers charge by the hour and they're pretty expensive. he stays here over two or three hours, the plumber will cost me more than the ring did. (audience laughs) certainly brings back memories. the first day i met gracie i fell in love with her and that night i proposed to her but she wouldn't accept me. she hardly knew me. but she said, "just so the evening wouldn't be a total loss, "i'll let ya kiss me and then we'll have a few dates "and if i don't like ya i'll give ya the kiss back." (audience laughs) well right there and then i knew i wanted gracie. if not for my wife, at least for my act. (audience laughs) then we went into vaudeville together. we played a little theater in jersey city and that morning we were engaged. i'll never forget how sweet gracie looked when i slipped the ring on her finger
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(audience laughs) the reason i gave her the payment book was so that if she lost the ring she could show people we were still engaged. (audience laughs) right after the matinee she gave me back the ring. she says a fine thing. "tell a girl you love her, "in a couple of days you intend to brush her off." i asked her what she was talking about and she showed me an item in the newspaper that said, "george burns and gracie allen are "at the rivoli theater for a three day engagement." (audience laughs) i cleared that up and then gracie and i left for san francisco. she wanted me to meet her family and naturally they objected. but then when gracie said that she was determined to marry me, they sort of accepted me. and then her mother even said that we could move into their home. so i said, "thank you, mrs. allen, "but will you have enough room?" she says, "oh yes, after my husband and i throw ourselves "into the bay, you'll have the whole house."
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- okay, kathy, bye.@ - i ... - [ronnie] oh, mother, kathy just loved the ring. - oh good. i'm on my way to the beauty shop, ronnie, but before i go, i thought we should have a little talk. - about what? - well now that you're engaged and you'll soon be married, there are certain things about life that you oughta know. so sit down. - okay. - now, where will we start?
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- oh. well, there are two sexes and it's natural that ... that ... you know, this isn't gonna be easy. i don't know where to begin. - start with the flowers. - what about them? (audience laughs) - well flowers are pollinated by bees. - oh. oh? - you see, as the bee goes from flower to flower, the pollen brushes off on his legs. and without him knowing it, he is the means by which flowers are cross-pollinated. - oh. so that's it. - of course, of course, we have a better example of the mating instinct. - oh, ya know, i've always wondered about that. - well in many ways birds experience the same emotional feeling as a human. some birds remain faithful to the same mate for life.
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- you know that's very interesting. - of course, it's argued that this is merely instinct. and that humans are the only creatures capable of experiencing real love. while love might have its origin in the natural impulses of persons, it also means warmth, tenderness, and mutual respect. - oh, that's wonderful. (audience laughs) you know, ronnie, i just can't wait to tell this to the girls at the beauty shop. oh! (audience laughs) - hi, boss. - oh, hello, harry. - what ya doin'? - oh, waiting for a plumber. gracie dropped her engagement ring down the sink. - what, here? - yeah. - why do you need to call a man for that, george? i'm very handy, i can fix that for you. got a wrench in here? - the plumber will be here in a minute. leave it alone. you're an announcer, not a plumber. - oh, george, now don't worry about ole harry.
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you know, the trouble with plumbers is that most of the money you spend on them goes down the drain. (harry laughs) - maybe you are a plumber. that's a bicycle pump. the other thing is a wrench. - oh, now you're kidding, george. i'm trying to get a laugh here. - harry, please, i'm still trying to recover from the money going down the drain. - alright, i'll have this pipe off of here before you can say jack robinson. - [george] do you know anything about it really? - [harry] everything. i'm an expert. there, i got the pipe off already. - good, did you turn off the water? - oh, sure. first thing i did was turn this little valve here. that shuts off the water. - are you sure? - [harry] sure. (audience laughs) - which valve did ya turn? - the wrong one. should've turned this one right here.
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- oh, mr. burns? i'm mr. jantzen, the plumber. jantzen. - oh yes, i've been expectin' ya. come right in. - thank ya ver -- - another do-it-yourself victim, huh? we run across so many. - friend of mine trying to save me some money. - oh, i understand, but how'd he get so wet? - well, that i'll never understand. the whole thing is so simple. you see, i shut off these two valves here and i thought that cut off the water. - oh and i guess mr. burns did this. (audience laughs) - yeah, that's how he got wet. - alright, george. look, don't ever ask me to help again when you're in trouble. (audience laughs) - i believe you said your wife dropped her ring in here? - oh you know how women are. - oh yes, i remember. - what? - my wife was usually losing things but that was a long time ago.
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- oh, i'm sorry to hear that. - well so am i. it's very lonely. i have four children but it's not the same thing as having a wife. - well i'm sure you can find another wife. - well that's not too easy. this isn't a romantic profession. when a woman is waiting for her plumbing to be fixed, she's usually not in a receptive mood. (audience laughs) - yeah, well i could understand that. (doorbell) excuse me. - that's quite alright, sir. - hello, mr. burns. - oh, hello, kathy. - is ronnie home? - yeah. ronnie, kathy is down here. - [ronnie] oh, great, come on up, kathy! - waiting for ya. - oh, has he told you the news? - no. - we're engaged! - engaged? - look at the beautiful ring he gave me. (audience laughs) - congratulations, it's lovely. the four of us will be very happy. - i don't understand. - but i do. (cheerful music)
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think i'll go over there and ... no, i got a better way to fix her wagon. you probably wonder what it is. now if some shows had this suspense, they'd make you wait and tune in tomorrow. not us.
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(audience laughs) [daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time.
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and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment.
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- oh, why of course, mr. burns. interrupt me as much as you'd like. we're paid by the hour, you know. - oh yes. you were saying that you'd like to get married? - oh i would. yes i would. you see, plumbing just isn't a full life. - well i think i can help you. there's a very pretty widow who lives next door. - a widow, huh? oh, they're nice. yes, nice. - she saw you come in and thinks you're very attractive. - oh, she does? - yeah. - really? widows are nice. - thinks you're a fine figure of a man. - well i do try to keep myself in shape, ya know, but it's very difficult, ya know,
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it's so cramped under there. - well this widow kinda goes for ya. would ya like to meet her? - oh yes. well yes indeed. widows are nice. - yeah, they're nice. well i'll go over and get her. - i better comb my hair. - wait a minute, you're going under the sink to comb your hair? - well your pipes are very shiny. (audience laughs) - [ronnie] hi, mother! - oh, hello, ronnie. hello, kathy. - [kathy] oh, hello, mrs. burns. - oh, i'm so glad you're here. i brought you a present. - oh, what is it? - well it'll help ya with your marriage. it's the audubon bird book. (audience laughs) oh, but you know, you're so young. ya know, you better not read it until after the ceremony. (audience laughs) hello. - oh, there you are. mr. burns said you were pretty, but say,
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- well thank you. i think you're pretty too. (audience laughs) - i wish i'd worn my new coveralls. - oh, i think the ones you've got on are nice. you know, they look like they've been lived in. - well now that we've met, would you mind very much if i ask you a very personal question? - oh, no, i enjoy personal questions. especially if they're about me. - what do you think about marriage? - well, i think it's wonderful. it's the kind of thing that holds a family together. - say, you have an original way of putting things. i like the way your mind ticks. - oh, no, it's not my mind. you've got your wristwatch too near your ear. (audience laughs) - oh. oh, say, we're getting along fine. fine. - yeah, fine. - if you got married again, would you mind very much if the man you married had children?
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women usually have them. (audience laughs) - you don't understand. - oh, you don't understand. you see, i better buy a bird book for you too. - bird book? - oh, excuse me. mother, can i speak to you for a minute? - [gracie] oh, yes, dear. that's my son. - oh, what a fine looking boy. oh, i'm glad you have a son. i have four daughters and i've always wanted a man in the family. - oh, well then you shouldn't have had daughters. they grow up to be women. (audience laughs) - what did you want to see me about, george? why were you waiting outside for me? - well, it's about gracie's ring. you say you saw it go down the drain? - oh, yeah, i saw it slip off her finger. - well, there's a plumber at my house and he's got the sink apart and they charge about $10 an hour and if he doesn't find the ring, somebody else is going to pay the plumber. - oh? would you excuse me a minute? (blanche laughs)
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- well there's enough lovable comedians on television. so i'm a mean one. (audience laughs) (jantzen gasps) - [jantzen] you're back. - yeah, here's this book on birds, but make sure you return it before the wedding. - before the wedding? you mean you're actually planning on a wedding? - well of course, what kind of a marriage would it be without one? - well that's true. oh, at long last, my four daughters will have a mother. - no mother? oh, well maybe this book was wrong after all. i better take it back. (audience laughs) - that water dripping on my head all these years, i don't think that's (mumbling). (audience laughs) - mr. jantzen, has the widow been here? - she just left. - how do ya like her? - oh, she's so nice. but the conversation kept getting away from me.
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- she went with it. - did you hold her hand? - oh no. - did you kiss her? - oh, i couldn't do that. - too much talk and not enough action. - oh, really? - next time ya see her, grab her and kiss her. - oh, i will, i will. - (mumbling) - oh, george, where have you been? i've been looking all over for ya. - there she is. - oh! (audience laughs) oh! - stop that, stop that! - stop it? but you told me to take her in my arms and kiss her. (gracie gasps) - george burns! (audience laughs) oh, i know you're lazy, but getting somebody else to do that for ya is ridiculous. (audience laughs) and imagine that man trying to kiss me? - oh, mother, dad couldn't have set him up to it. - oh, yes he did. what else would he hire a plumber for? there's nothing wrong with our sink. - look, gracie. - oh, you gigolo-hirer you. - look, the only reason i did that was to teach
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about the engagement ring going down the drain. i know where it is. kathy's wearing it. - oh, well, mrs. burns, if this is your ring, why, i couldn't keep it. here. - i don't want it either. oh, george burns, after hiring that plumber to kiss me, our engagement is off. - the ring is mine? - yes. - and i can do anything i want with it? - yes. ronnie, for you. - thanks, dad! kathy, would you wear my ring? - why, i'd love to. - will ya forgive me? - oh, george, after our son has just been engaged? of course. (audience laughs) - i told ya the four of us would be happy.
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- thank you very much. gracie, any news from the family? - oh yes, i just got a letter from my cousin jenny. she's come back from a world cruise. - oh, isn't this the fourth time she's taken a trip around the world? - yes, next year she says she'd like to go somewhere else. (audience laughs) - yeah, well she must have a lot of money to do that much traveling. - oh, jenny travels free. - oh, free, huh? - yeah, she's a hostess on a cruise ship. - ooh, a hostess. - uh huh. it's her job to organize activities and games and keep the passengers amused. - oh, i see, sort of a sea-going game warden? - yes, yes. now on her last trip she organized things from morning until night, and even if you were having an awful time, jenny made sure you enjoyed every minute of it - [george] every minute of it? - [gracie] yes. - [george] yeah. and what did jenny do to entertain the passengers? - oh, well in the evening she'd gather them all around in the ship's lounge -- - yeah, sort of sit around jenny, yes? - yes, and she'd tell fortunes and predict the future by looking into a crystal ball.
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- but she had to stop that because it made the passengers too nervous. - they got nervous? why? - well, you see, the captain kept coming in and asking her to look into the crystal ball and find out where the ship was. (audience laughs) - well, couldn't he read the compass? - oh, george, when you're lost at sea, you're in no mood for reading. (audience laughs) - that captain sounds smart enough to be jenny's husband. - [gracie] well, that's what jenny thought too, but she still couldn't land him. - why not? - well, there was too much competition. you know, on a cruise like that there are always, oh, three times more women then there are men. - mmhmm. - that's how they lost the chief engineer. - what happened? - well, he was taking a stroll around the deck and he fell into the ocean and cousin jenny saw him but she couldn't do anything about it. - well, couldn't she yell for help? - oh no. she knew if she yelled, "man overboard!" that half the women in the ship would jump in after him. (audience laughs) - well that figures. - oh, sure. in fact, she was lucky that they pulled her out. (audience laughs)
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so the shortage of men was really a problem, huh? - well, the women didn't mind how short they were, there just weren't enough of them. (audience laughs) - that's what i meant. - but whenever there was a dance, jenny made sure that every woman had a partner. - that wasn't too easy, was it? - no, it wasn't, especially for the men in the band. you know, it's pretty hard to dance with a girl when you're playing an instrument. (audience laughs) - she had the men in the band dancing with the women? - and the captain, and the pilot, and the sailors. - hold it, hold it. if the captain and the pilot and the sailors were dancing, who was steering the ship? - well, what difference did it make? the captain didn't know where they were anyway. (audience laughs) - you mean they were lost and they were dancing? - well, why not? you see, it was a world cruise, so wherever they were lost, it was part of it. - [george] they were still in it? - yes. - gracie, say goodnight. - goodnight. - goodnight. (applause) (cheerful music) - a civilian woman? here on taratupa? - yes, sir, she was aboard the transport plane that made that emergency landing here this morning.
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