- 3 days. ha ha ha ha, well, well, well, well, well, and tell me, what does she look like? - oh, just terrific, sir, one of those new c-51's. - not the plane, you idiot. the woman. - oh, the woman. yes, sir, well, she's about your height, sir. - oh, big woman. - blonde hair, blue eyes and very attractive, sir. captain? - hmm? - her name's kate o'hara. - kate o'hara. ha ha ha. oh, i'll take you home again, kathleen - sir, but i think there's one thing you should know. - oh, never mind what you think. [irish accent] where should i be finding this fair kathleen? [irish accent] - i'd say she's right outside the door. [normal accent] oh, she's right outside the door, sir. - [irish accent] is she now? fancy me that. i'll just be fetching her myself. [irish accent] - oh, good luck, sir. - come on, little joe!
kalani kate. - kalani kate. now listen to me miss o'hara, he informs me that you're being evacuated to australia by urgent order of the m.p.'s on bora bora. - oh, a bunch of old fuddies. you see, i had this little cafe, kalani kate's, the friendliest saloon on the island. - it was so friendly they had to have it burnt to the ground. now you listen to me, i intend to see that you behave yourself while you're here, and stop flicking ashes on my desk. - ok, honey. - and don't call me, honey. i'm going to assign you to the nurses area while you are here. they will supply whatever companionship you might feel you need. - you got male nurses? - you have nothing, i repeat, nothing to do with the men on this base. - ok, ok. - furthermore, i expect-- - be back in a jiff, wally. - miss o'hara. - [laughter] - mchale, baby! - kalani kate! hey! [laughter]
- yes, they probably served time together. follow me. - hey, hey, you guys, i want you to meet an old pal of mine, kalani kate. - hi, fellas. - oh, say quint, you old sea dog, it sure is good to see ya. - yeah, how about that? - miss o'hara? - what do you want, honey? - don't call me honey. - whatever you want, sugar. - lieutenant carpenter will escort you to the nurse's area. the rest of this base is off-limits. - off-limits? what did i do? - well now, captain, aren't you going a little overboard? - yeah, after all just because she called you honey. - shut up. - carpenter, take her away. - yes, sir. - oh, quint. - oh, now he calls the shots around here. - well, that's what i'd like to give him, a good shot. - please. - well, you won't be seeing him! mchale, you keep away from her, and that's an order. i'm running a naval base here, not a friendship club. - you can say that again. - what? - all right, sir, yes, sir. yes, sir. good-bye, sir. - fink. - all right, none of that, tinker, after all he's still an officer. - ok, sir, fink.
- never mind, skip, you'll figure out some way to see her again. - uh-uh, no, for once binghamton did me a good turn. - oh, no, skip, you can't pass up on a chick like that. it's un-american. - hold it, hold it. believe me, kate's a great gal, but she just spells trouble, boys. - such trouble we should all have. - all right, lay off, willy, if skipper wants to be out of his mind, that's his privilege. sorry, skip, you got to take command sometimes. - all right, chuck, you come along with me. and the rest of you guys go over and draw your supplies and we'll meet you back on the boat. come on. let's go. - the skipper's been out her too long. - passing up on a chick like that. - he's flipped. he's gone island happy. - oh, don't worry. we'll straighten him out. now, here's what we do... first, we got to get the skipper out of the way. - you know what you got to do is always watch those shows-- [stuttering] - hi, baby. i'm here. - what? - oh, you're a real doll sending the boys to me, quint. that was a beautiful heist.
- oh, now wait a minute. you being here is a direct violation of captain binghamton's orders. - fancy that, sonny, well, see you around. - well, now wait a minute. you see here, i'm an ensign in the united states navy. - it's been nice seeing ya. anchors away. - i guess i'll wait outside, skip. - what a spread, baby, and all for me. oh, quint, i could hug you for this. - now, now, kate, i had nothing to do with this. - oh, now quint, you can't blame an old sweetie for being sentimental. - ah, no, no, no, of course not. now give me back my wallet. - i just wanted to see if you still had my picture in it. - plus a few of some old presidents, huh? you know you're a whole lot faster than when i first met you. - well, hello. - hello, missy. - now take off, take off there. - [japanese accent] herro, missy? - ah, well, he's my filipino houseboy, name of rodrigo.
- champagne? champagne? - yeah, how about that? - no. out, out! - it comes with the blue plate special. - get out of here, you miserable gypsies! - too romantic, huh, skip? - get out! ohh. - now that was darn sweet. - oh, yeah, yeah, they're just full of bright ideas. - oh, your magic spell is everywhere oh, i knew you well and found you there - what in the sam hill. - and you left me and i laughed at fate now i ask... ow! - there.
- quint? - yeah? - quint, you know, you're a great guy. i mean, a really great guy, and, well, i was just wondering... - if you could put the bite on me? no thanks. - quint, all i want is a measly 500 bucks. - 5-- - condition red! condition red, fire in the paint locker. - fire in the what? - in the paint locker. - is it the nips? - no, it's worse than that. it's old lead bottom. - what did you say? - oh, sorry, sir, i was just telling the skip we ought to paint the boat. it sure would look great with a red bottom. - yeah, i'll red bottom you in a minute. get out of here. - yeah, well, no sense me hanging around. - so, mchale is operating again. - captain, would you like a little bubbly, sir? - grab a seat, honey. - i'm not going to grab anything. and don't you call me honey. i really got you this time, mchale. disobeying a direct order. and as for you, miss o'hara...
after all, kate and i are old friends and we're just having a bit of a reunion dinner. should old acquaintance be forgot and never-- - cut that out! now, mchale, you know that i am not a harsh man. - oh, i know that sir, yes, sir. - this little reunion is only going to cost you a month's pay. and you, you're going to be under armed guard. - a month's pay? - armed guard? - there seems to be an echo in here. come on, you heard me. out, out, out, out, out. - ha ha ha! cheers, captain. - sir. - oh, watch where you're going. you have one hole in your head, do you want to try for 2? - oh, no, sir, one's fine enough, sir. this is from admiral rogers, sir, at comfleet. for your immediate attention. - all right, all right. read it to me. read it to me.
personnel with over 24 months of combat duty ought to be shipped home. - all right. get out of my way. get out of my way. - 24 months. 24 months and we'll ship-- how many months has mchale been here? - 25 months. but sir, the-- - ha ha ha! no buts on me. start getting his travel orders. - but sir, the directive specifies-- - oh, wally, wally, wally, this is your lucky day, boy. i'm finally free of mchale. i'm finally free of him. life is beautiful. life is gay. carpenter, stand still. oh, this is wonderful. - sir, sir, please, you're not as free as you think you are. - why? why? - the directive clearly specifies that only married men are eligible. - ha ha, married men. - married men. - that's better than ever. don't you see...married men? - married men. - and mchale? he's a bachelor? - yes, sir. - oh, that dirty slacker. - but sir, it was a very good thought. - oh, of all the foul-ups, carpenter, just when i came so close. oh, why couldn't mchale be stuck with a wife like
- what respectable woman would have him, sir? - you're right. - she'd have to be a-- - you were saying, sir? - i should marry mchale? - why not? you're made for each other. you said you were old sweethearts. i heard you say that. you said that. - oh, sure, we had a few laughs together but uh, what's come over you since last night? - i admit, i acted badly. - like a solid gold louse. come clean. what's in this for you? - miss o'hara, why don't you concentrate on what is in this for you? - for instance? - for instance like $370 a month. - $370. - uh-huh, from your uncle sam. it's your monthly allotment check as mchale's wife. - yeah, but i'm a saloon keeper. who needs a husband around? - well, who said anything about him being around? don't you see? that's just it. you're going to be safe and sound in your own little saloon in australia. he's going to be here.
- you know, you're right. quint and i were made for each other. - whose turn to roll it tonight? - welcome home, baby. - miss o'hara, you're back. - it's been nice seeing ya again. - yeah, but you, but i--i'm going to be outside again, skip. - sit down, honey, relax. you must have had a hard day at the war. - huh? - don't you realize, honey? it was fate that dropped me on this base. - it was engine trouble. - let's face it, quint, you're my man. - you mean your pigeon. - all i want out of life is to be mrs. quint mchale. - oh, oh, oh, you should live so long. - you're going to marry me, quint. - oh, come on now. - i just know it. - [speaking japanese] refreshments. - no, no, no, no. shove off. shove off. - it's all right. me and rodrigo, we're great pals.
oh, that's swell, swell. - oh, boy, if old binghamton ever found out about him. - huh? oh, yeah, yeah. - like i was saying, quint, you're going to marry me or else...rodrigo. - but they'll put him in a prison camp. - i'll hate myself as i do it, but i'll do it. - yeah, you would. - oh, quint, you've made me
- well, how do i look, honey? - just lovely, miss o'hara. - oh, how about that, me in a wedding dress made of old parachutes. the boys in the back room should see me now. - we're all so excited. commander mchale's a great catch. - well, it wasn't easy. - just imagine, you'll be able to fly home together.
- didn't you know? once he's married, the commander's eligible for rotation. - uh, rotation? - he'll be shipped back to the states. and you can settle down together. - you mean i'm going to have to live with the big baboon? - what? - me, keep house? scrubbing floors, waltzing with a vacuum cleaner. - i beg your pardon? - nothing. that 4-eyed, 4-striped rat. get me out of this! - [humming "wedding march"] - forget it, captain, the wedding's off, unless you two are interested? - get your hands off of me. what's the matter? what do you mean, the wedding's off? what, what, what, what? - a little birdie told me about that rotation gimmick. no dice. - well, you can't back out now. - so, sue me for breech of promise. - well, what about the allotment check? - you pulled a fast one on me. you said mchale didn't come with it. i want a saloon, not a husband. - miss o'hara, i am the commanding officer of this base.
- order me? i'm a civilian. - yes, you're a civilian, a civilian with quite a juicy record in the islands. operating an illegal establishment. passing bad checks. malicious mischief. rolling sailors. - listen, nobody's perfect. - you marry mchale or i'll have you turned over to the police in australia along with this. so, you take your pick miss o'hara, mchale or jail? - you'd pull a dirty trick like that just to ship him out? - president roosevelt has his war aims and i have mine...honey. - don't call me honey. - sir, no visitors allowed. - not even the bridegroom?
- oh, yeah, thanks. - friend of the groom. [knock on door] - come in. quint, baby. - oh, boy, you're sure playing it up to the hilt. - yeah, i sure am. listen, i want to talk to you. - now wait a minute. hold it, kate, look there's $500 in here and it's all yours if you'll turn me loose, huh? - i'd grab it in a second, honey, but binghamton's got us boxed in. - binghamton? - yeah, the navy's got some new rule. if you get hitched, they can ship you home. - ship me home? why that--wait a minute. you mean to tell me he's the one behind this whole wedding bit? - father of the bride. don't get sore, baby. i thought all i was marrying was an allotment check. - oh, knock it off, will ya? before you turn my head with your compliments.
buddies, but can you picture us slurping punch with the p.t.a.? - hey, they can't do this to you, skip. you got to call the whole thing off. - you can't. he's got a hold of my record. he'll throw me in jail. - i got to dope a way out. - and fast. they moved the wedding up till 6:00 tonight. - what? - skip, you got to do something. - i got to do something, yeah. do something. do something. do something. wait a minute, i got it. i got it. there can't be a wedding without the bride, right? so, we sneak kate aboard the 73 and then we find a reason to put out to sea like a submarine alert. and then we just drop her off in new caledonia. - new caledonia? that's french territory. binghamton can't touch her there. - that's a wild idea. but how do you get me past those cossacks outside? - cossacks, cossacks. oh, wait a minute. they saw tinker come in with me and they'll see tinker leave. ha ha ha.
- yeah, with just enough to spare, too. come on. let's go. - hey, skip, what happens to me? - now look, binghamton may come snooping, so you stall him, huh? - but, skip, i can't stall him. - now, now, now it's like the fella said, 'tis a far, far, better thing you do than you've ever done before. bye-bye. - is that what the fella said? - oh, no. here comes marrying sam. duck, duck, duck. - where? - hi, captain. - salute when you see an officer. wipe that grease off your face. you're disgracing the navy. - yeah, get on the ball, bell. - filthy fellow.
1800 hours the chaplain turns you into an honest man. - kate just told me. - kate? is that bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony? - well, now that remains to be seen, sir. well, we'll see you at the altar, sir. bye-bye. good-bye, sir. come on, tinker. let's go. - come on. - how did you make out, skip? - did she take the dough? - is the wedding off? - all right, all right, stow the gear. chuck, wind them up. let's go forward. - hey, tink, you hiding something? - it's just me. hiya, boys. - hey, it's kalani kate. - where's tink? - hey, what's going on? - come on, chuck, will you wind her up? move. we're eloping to new caledonia before the wedding. - hey, skip, she won't start. - oh, come on. let me try. [engine stalling] - hey, look, skip, here comes the bride.
- isn't she lovely? - hiya, honey. - you need a shave. - knock it off. knock it off. - binghamton's on his way down here, skip. - oh, no. - i heard him talk to the m.p. so i took it on the lamb, out the window. - look, tink, our engines are stalled. get down there and fix them fast, will ya? go ahead. and don't dirty that dress. - all right. all right. - the rest of you guys, get ready to move out in a hurry. - you heard the skipper! let's move! come on, sailor. oh, uh, sorry sailor, uh, ma'am. - hey, skip. it's too late. look. - get down below. below. come on, the rest of you guys act normal. look sloppy. look sloppy. - hiya, captain. how are ya, sir? - mchale, where do you think you're going? - going? we're just going to go back to my own island, sir. yes, sir, pick up my dress whites, sir. after all, it isn't every day that a man gets married, yes, sir. - that's right, so i hope you're wearing something borrowed and something blue. - ha ha ha. - because you're not going anywhere. we'll send a gig for your dress whites. nothing is going to interfere with this wedding.
- uh-oh. looks like we've got some uninvited guests. [gunfire] - condition red! abandon ship! i mean, battle stations. - men, we're just sitting ducks here. go on down there and help tinker. come on with those stations. let's go. come on. get on that gun. - there's a bandit at 11:00. - get him. - right. 11:00. - watch where you're pointing that thing, you nitwit. - i'm sorry, sir. but you're standing right at 11:00. - make it a quarter to 11. - better make it 10:30. right. oh! - mchale! - don't you ever wash? take the gun from this nitwit before he kills us all. - let me help you, ma'am, uh, sir. aah, aah, aah, aah! whose side is everybody on here anyways?
- hey, duck, boys! here comes a big one. - they're trying to kill us. get back to those guns. you? - bill, i told you to get a haircut. - go away. bill, get below, get below! - just a minute there, seaman o'hara. what are you trying to pull her, mchale? - well, i, well, i, well, i-- - don't you, well, i, well, i, well, i, me. you're trying to shanghai this woman. well, now you hear this, and you hear this good. nothing but nothing is going to stop this wedding. - sir. sir. - you're just in time, boy. - what? - right down to the chapel. forward. - now look here, captain. - you can't do this. - but, sir, an urgent message from admiral rogers. - what does he want? read it. read it. - yes, sir. "dispatch mchale and p.t. and comfleet immediately to "help in searching for carrier whose planes are bombing your base." - dispatch mchale? i won't do it.
and the admiral said immediately. - but the chaplin won't be here for an hour. i'm not going to dismiss you until you're married. - oh, well, then should i radio that to the admiral, sir? - i'll turn the set on. - yeah, yeah. - darn, darn, darn, darn! a chaplain, a chaplain. my kingdom for a chaplain. - sir, i just remembered. the captain of a ship can perform the marriage ceremony, uh-huh. - elroy, you've just won yourself the medal of honor, boy. - oh, sir. - fetch a bible. fetch a bible. - there's one down below. - ohh. - move! - sir, here it is. - bless you, boy. bless you. - i've heard of shotgun weddings but this is ridiculous. - hey, skip, the engines are fixed. - never mind, miss bell, nobody's going anywhere. you just stick around, maybe you'll catch the bouquet. all right, join hands.
- so long. - bye-bye. - you know, skip, she ain't such a bad dame. - old kate's a barrel of fun, yeah. - turns out you saved yourself 500 bucks. - how about that? hey, now i can pay you guys back. why? oh, no. - watch it, skip. the guys are present. - she did it to me again. - want us to go after her, skip? - ah, nah, you kidding? let her have the 500, i've never had it so good. come on, boys, let's go. this bachelor is due at comfleet. hey, tink, tink, give me directions, baby. let's go forward. let's go on. ha ha ha ha ha! oh! - how do you like it, tink? - i like it. - ah, you got class.
we set them up on the dock so it will be the first thing our customers see when they get here. - you wanna proofread these licenses, grube? - oh, you bet. "taratupa fish and game society permit to dig oysters--$25." print up a couple of hundred of these, boy, i expect a very heavy turnout. - gotcha. - tink, go with him and don't spare the ink. how are we doing in the blessed event department here, chaps? - we sure got to hand it to you, grube. this racket's pure genius. - ah, cut it out, you'll give me a big head. besides, i was the sucker that bought these phony pearls from those seabees, wasn't i? i got a moral obligation to get us off the hook. - yeah, but, grube, this is beautiful, beautiful. we hold a seafood sale for the guys at the base. - somebody chomps into one of these little beauties. - and the pearl rushes on.
- well, grube, we got some more of these babies sorted. - good, now start tossing them back close to the shore so they won't be too hard to find. christy and me will head main side and start peddling these little come ons. - hey, grube, the skip's coming. i guess the gin game's over. - quick, dash those things in the drink. hide those signs. go on. help him, will ya? try and look alive. look honest, honest? - well, urulu, seems like it just wasn't your day. - me must've got off on wrong side of money belt.
- right, skip. - watch him. him got shifty eyes. - yeah, mm-hmm. - what that? - ah. - uh-uh. - uh-huh. - uh-uh. - ahem, uh-uh. - oh, hi, skip. greetings, old great and noble chief. - what you connives got going this time? - connives? nah, this is strictly penny ante stuff. just thought we'd deliver bushels of oysters over to the guys on the main base. - you guys think you find any pearls? forget it. - huh? - pearls, us? what are we going to do with pearls? - you kidding. but forget it. lagoon used to be loaded with pearls, but then 100 years ago, karatonga take care of all that. - kara who? - yeah, karatonga. sure, the serpent of the lagoon. yeah, i heard about that. it's an island legend. - when him see people make profit and not cut him in, him flip lid. punish whole tribe.
karatonga's a terrible monster, also big fink. - well, see ya, skip. got to peddle these while they're still fresh. christy! - carpenter, do you realize what's going on back home while we're out here fighting this miserable war? the whole world is getting rich, that's what's going on. this is the third letter that my wife has written me telling me how all my civilian friends are cleaning up. oh, i tell you. - but, sir, at least you have the satisfaction of knowing that you're doing an important job. - oh, satisfaction, satisfaction. did you ever try and buy a nagging wife a mink coat with satisfaction? what is going on out there now? what is that? what is that? - it's a couple of mchale's men, sir. they seem to be setting up some kind of a stand to sell something. - sell something. you see that? everybody has got something going for them but me.
well, i've just had about enough of it, carpenter, that's all. i have had enough of it. if teddy roosevelt could bust trust, so can i. - bully for you sir, and sir? - what? what? - here's your big stick. - yeah, my big stick. on to san juan hill. - hey there, sailor. tempt your pallet with the food of kings at peasant prices. - aha, caught you right in the act, di't i? huh? now this is your little racket this week, is it? you're opening up a seafood speakeasy. - racket? captain, this ain't no racket. why, this is practically a charity operation. we've got so many oysters in our lagoon, we're just sharing the wealth. - and of course if it bothers you, we can take it right back to our island. right, grube? - sure. - no, you don't. these oysters are all i need to put you right in the cooler. - good afternoon, captain. - you bet it's a good afternoon, mchale. i'm sending these 2 cutthroats to the brig. - to the brig? on what charges?
that's the charge, they're selling oysters illegally. - oh, now wait a minute, sir, that's not illegal. i mean, after all it's perfectly acceptable to sell oysters in any month that has an "r" in it and this is june. hey, wait a minute, you guys are out of season. - i'm going to kill him one of these days, mchale. where was i? you get me so...no, i'm just sick and tired of your men disobeying my orders. - speaking of orders, captain, didn't admiral rogers send specific orders that the 73 should test those new torpedoes today? - what has that got to do with this? what, what, what, what? - seeing as how i can't make a test without a full crew, you better call up the admiral, sir, and tell him that you can't carry out his orders. - i guess we got you there, wally. - you shut up. i'm going to submit to blackmail... you, uh, today, uh... oh, what's the use? get this pitchmen out of here. out, out, out, out. - yes, sir. come on, boys. - put those down.
in the drink. now get out of here. out, out, out. - yes, sir. - bye-bye, captain. - i'll dispose of these oysters right away, sir. - you'll dispose of nothing. take these to the steward over at the officer's club. have him fix them ala rockefeller. if i can't be a millionaire, at least i can eat one, huh? - yes, sir. - elroy? - sir? - who do you think is going to carry the other one? - ooh, i'm sorry, sir, sorry. - a toast, sir, to you and a bright financial future after the war. - don't try and bolster up my spirits. after the war i don't think there's going to be any money left. what have we got here oysters on the half-shell for a starter here. slippery little devils, aren't they? ugh. [crunch] [muttering] - what's the trouble, sir, did you bite into a piece of shell?
i can't get the whole thing out here. - it's a pearl, sir, why, that's a one in a million shot. - ha ha ha ha ha! that's a 2 in a million shot. a dud. ha ha ha! a 3 in a million chance. ha ha ha ha, mchale. mchale and his pirates, they've been selling this stuff for seafood. they've been getting rid of a fortune without knowing it. ha ha ha. you know what this means? - that there are probably a lot more pearls in the rest of the oysters. i'll have the chef open them and check, sir. - don't be ridiculous. - oh. - don't be ridiculous. do you realize that when sutter found all that gold in california, it would have all been his if he'd have just kept his big mouth shut. - what would you suggest, sir?
- oh, yes. - there's a fortune down there in mchale's lagoon, just waiting to be plucked. what are you waiting for, boy, on the double hubba, hubba, hubba. - yes, sir. - oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, it's so nice to know that you're on my side...at last. you're working very slow, elroy, shake a leg, shake a leg. mchale will be back soon. - well, sir, it's just my uniform, i don't want to get it too wet, sir. - oh, never mind your uniform. with all the pearls we're going to find here, we'll buy you 100 uniforms. dive, boy, dive, dive, dive. - yes, sir. - looks like we got company. uh-oh, it's old lead bottom, and he's shucking oysters. - he must have found those phony pearls we planted. - ohh! - huh?
what phony pearls? - the one's we spiked those oysters with. perfectly harmless business venture but he wasn't the one who supposed to... - harmless. you call it harmless when we end up with binghamton in our lap? dog gone it. now we're going to have to get rid of it. we have to tell him the truth to get out of it. - tell him the truth, skip? why, a thing like that could ruin our reputation. - oh, stop it. come on, let me take over over here. - ha ha ha ha. - hi, sarge. - hi, i'm going to buy the yacht club. - oh. - aah! - mchale, what are you doing here, mchale? what do you want? what, what, what, what is it? - well, we just came back from the torpedo test run, sir. besides, we live here, remember? - yeah, he's commander mchale. i'm ensign parker. - shut up. i know who's who. such a disgrace, you sneaking up on me like that. - oh, we're sorry, sir. but look, sir, i wanted to talk to you about those pearls that you and carpy are-- - what pearls? i don't know anything about any pearls.
- oh, they're very easy to spot, sir, they're little white things you make necklaces and little beads out of them and everything. - now look, captain, if you're not looking for pearls, then what's with all the oysters? - the oysters? well, there's no oysters here. i don't have any oysters. these are shells. just the shells, you see i'm cleaning up this place. you left it such a mess with all these shells around here. i'm going to take over this island. i'm going to turn the whole thing into a--an officer's recreation area. yeah, that's it. - an officer's recreation area? - captain binghamton, sir, look at these size of these. they ought to have enormous pearls. - atta boy. good, good, put them down. that's good work, boy. these filthy things, they can give a person gangrene. - come on, captain, knock it off, will ya? you've been suckered into this. my men salted all these oysters. there isn't one real pearl in our lagoon. - mchale, i've got news for you. this is not your lagoon. you've been banished, evicted, tossed out. now, from now on you can just set up camp on the north side of the island.
captain, you can't do that to us. - i can't, huh? well, i've got a little eagle here on my collar that says that i can. get your nose out of my eagle. come on, get moving, that's an order. all of you, pack your things and get out. out, out, out. - come on, chuck, you heard the nice captain. bye-bye, sir. - that's not a very nice eagle. - did you hear that, carpenter? - uh-huh. - trying to tell me that there aren't pearls on this island. [laughter] - what do they call these, marbles? don't stand there shivering. dive, boy. dive, dive, dive. - yes, sir.
- what's going on here? what are you doing, mr. parker? - well, i'm sorry, tinker, but there was this gigantic mosquito-- hey, bandit at 10:00. - come on. knock it off, all of ya. you're a fine bunch to be griping. you wouldn't be here in the first place if it wasn't for your lost souls. - ah, don't rub it in,kip. i'm so miserable, i'm ready to give up chiseling for life. - fuj, what are you trying to do, poison us? - if you think coffee bad, wait till you try dinner, i p.w., not boy scout. - oh, that settles it. come on, chuck, we're going to go back to binghamton and let him know we've just begun to fight. [cheers] come on. you put that silly thing away. come on. - ya, ya, yes, yes, yes, yeomen, you can sign those requisitions in my absence, i don't care. stop calling me down here. i don't want to be disturbed. i'm out here on a top secret mission. now don't bother me anymore. ah, deeper, boy, deeper.
the deeper the water, the bigger the pearl, you know. - greetings, old lead bottom. i've come for a gin rummy re-match with mchale, where is he? - mchale? mchale doesn't live here anymore. anyway, beat it. you're trespassing on navy property here. - i see you are on oyster kick, too, huh? seems like all of sudden, everybody around here got hots for shellfish. - oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, hots for shellfish. yes, yes, yes, that's the thing everybody's doing these days. they are delicious little morsels. ugh, oh, that's good. that's good. well, good-bye. nice to have seen you, hurry back. - captain binghamton, sir, sir, look at this. this is the biggest one! - shut your big mouth, elroy. i'll have your tongue. he's a sick boy, chief, a very sick boy, he's always imagining things.
- if him just imagine this pearl, you ready for happy farm. - now you wait a minute. whatever goes on around here is my business. this is my base. i'll do whatever i want around here. you beat it, you banish, you get out of here. - move on over. - now look what you did. you knocked me right on my oysters. - ooh, holy smoke. pearls come back, curse off lagoon. - they're mine, you understand, they're mine, mine, mine, mine! - this lagoon belong to me, me, me, me. i, landlord. according to treaty, you trespass. so, i in for half the loot. fumbo, fumbo. - nobody's getting in on half of my property, nobody at all. stop diving, elroy. stop diving. listen, you lay a hand on me, and it's going to be war. you understand that? - i not shnug binghamton. not need to kill you to get pearls, huh? just tell old buddy admiral rogers that you break treaty. how that grab you, huh? tell him that you cause whole tribe to revolt.
that's not crooked. - not crooked but pretty good blackmail, huh? what do you think admiral would say if you caused whole native up rising for a couple of lousy pearls? - a couple of lousy--a second front here on taratupa? you wouldn't? ah, you would. [muttering] well, old buddy, i think on second thought i could use a partner. - ok, lead bottom. we make deal. [speaking in native language] - i wonder what those 2 are so chummy about. looks like they're closing some kind of a deal. - yeah, it must be pretty important. they're sealing it with a kiss. - come on. - mchale, what are you doing here? i told you to get out of here. - well, i came over to have a few words with you, captain. but i didn't expect to find my gin rummy pigeon here.
we in business together, urulu bring plenty divers to water. we go big time. - now wait a minute, urulu, don't count your oysters before they're hatched. according to naval regulations, a combat unit can't be evicted - without-- - without written orders. there they are, mchale, you read them and weep. read them on your way back to the swamp. - oh, no, oh, look, captain, i'm telling you. the only pearls in that lagoon are the ones that gruber put there. and they're as phony as the ones-- - don't start that again. get out. oh, pardon me. out, out, out. - there must be somebody around here who will listen to reason. - don't pay any attention to him. he's a very neurotic man. all right, snow white, get back to your 7 dwarfs. take dopey there with ya. - dopey? wait a minute, grumpy. - curb your tongue. i got word to do, right, partner? - anything you say, wally. [all talking at once] - hey, skipper, hey, how'd you make out? - when do we start packing and moving?
- well, maybe it ain't as bad as it looks. after all, lieutenant carpenter's got to get tired of diving sometime. - not a chance. binghamton just made a deal with urulu. and by tomorrow there will be more divers in our lagoon than at coney island on the fourth of july. - urulu? how did they get together? - those guys will never get along. - you're wrong. we saw them. they were kissing. - what? - hey, fuj, what's to eat? - for supper we have sea ration on shingle. sorry, i burnt everything else. - it figures. hey, virg, you better snag on to something pretty soon or we'll all starve to death. - not a chance, skip, i haven't had a bite all-- hey, hold the phone! i think i got something! - yeah, yeah, yeah. - christy, give me a hand. - if feels like a whale. it is a whale. there she blows. [laughter] - what whale. that's a 2 man sub boat. grab your rifles. come on. keep pulling. keep pulling. here we go, around this way.
come on! keep pulling. [all yelling at once] this way, this way, this way. come on. come on out of there! come on! - hey, skip, the joint's empty. - yeah, they must have abandoned ship. - hey, how about that? - we got our own 2 man sub. - hey, skip, hop in and take a look. - what, me fit down through that little hatch? - well, here let me try, skip. i could always come through in a tight spot. - all right. take it easy now. easy does it. - ok? - hey, look at all these buttons. - hey, chuck, stay away from those buttons. this baby might be carrying a torpedo. - i knew our luck had to change. man, we can make a fortune with this thing. - hold it, hold it. - skip, think of the possibilities. we can open it up a bit and start our own sideshow. see the terrifying monster, 2 bits for the biggest thrill and chill of your life.
- all right already! enough of those ideas. come on, you guys. hey, gruber, what you just said-- - i know, i know, skip, forget it. - forget it, my foot. it's a great idea. boys, who's to say that we can't turn this little doll into the biggest monster that ever walked in 2 shoes? - you mean we scare the trunks off those pearl grabbers. - skipper, you're beautiful, beautiful. - and urulu is just superstitious enough to fall for it. - this could put old lead bottom out of business for good. - who's going to operate this thing? - well, now you've been doing ok up to here. chuck, the u.s.s. sea monster is your baby. - oh, boy, will mother ever be proud.
- when i said put them in the pot, i didn't mean yours. - fine, chief. - there they are, the pearl tycoons. - it looks like urulu has every good diver in the tribe working. - yeah, well, something tells me there's about to be a sudden rush on the unemployment line. - all right, boys, this is it. karatonga time. now make it look good. and remember, aim carefully. i don't want anything to happen to our favorite sea serpent. ready? [gunshots] [yelling] - hey, look out. - monster! - captain binghamton, urulu, thank goodness that we got here in time to warn you. - knock it off, mchale. i'm sick and tired of your tricks. - you call that a trick, captain? look at there.
- open fire, men. we've got to stop that monster. - look here, mchale. - give him everything you got. [gunshots] - it's no use, skip. - it can't be killed. - fire one! - [mumbling] - you wasting bullets, mchale, that no ordinary monster, that karatonga. - karatonga, who the blazes is the karatonga? - karatonga is the most horrible sea serpent, sir. - [barking like a dog] - serpent. it sounds more like a cocker spaniel... with a bad case of indigestion. this is the most ridiculous thing i've ever-- - not ridiculous him, just hungry. he not eat greedy people for over 100 years. - yes, come on, captain, we better evacuate you out of here before it's too late. - and leave my pearl beds? not on your life.
wait a minute, ahh, my beautiful pearls. - i make sacrifice to sea god. maybe him fight it out with karatonga. now i bug out of here. - couldn't you have sacrificed your half, you big slob? [muttering] - fire 3. [coughing] - captain, captain, what are you doing? - call in the bucket brigade, my pearls are barbequing. - but the sea monster's getting close, sir. - i don't care how close your monster gets i'm-- [coughing] so, that's your monster, is it? parker, i'll have you cold fired for this.
- let this be a lesson to you cutthroats. if it wasn't for the admiral's citation for capturing that 2 man sub, i'd have you all doing time for planting those phony pearls. - but, captain, we told you that they weren't real pearls. - oh, shut up. all that time wasted. my dreams shattered. my bank account right back where it started from. - what you think, partner? got a little present for you. - a bill for $500? for what, what, what, what is this? - you think i'm some kind of snug let my divers work for nothing, huh? you pay up now or maybe you like i send bill to admiral rogers? - if you want to scream, captain, you go right ahead. we'll understand. - pay now. scream later. hehehehehehehehehello. i'm mister ed. a horse is a horse, of course, of course