tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC February 6, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST
oh, janet, that's ridiculous. that little radio couldn't be worth $300. but underneath that little radio was an envelope with our rent money-- $300 cash. what? yeah. let's call the police. no. don't panic. let's check first. maybe it slid or fell under something. let's move the plants. okay. janet: you see anything? jack: no. ( both scream ) you scared me half to death! jack?! oh, that's okay. i had to go to the bathroom anyway. what is going on?! chrissy, i want you to think very carefully. what about? this morning... yeah? before you left for work... yeah. did you touch the rent money? yeah. when i took the radio. you took the radio? yeah. i took it to be repaired.
we were just about to call the police. really! what did you do with the rent money? oh, i just left it over there on that... empty shelf. both: call the police. my hair's really getting thin back here. you know, it's funny. when you get to be my age, that's the first thing to go. not in your case, stanley. look. look, aren't those pretty? gorgeous. are you peeping at that blond again? what blond? the blond you're always peeping at. i don't know what you're saying. the one in 105. 107. i got news for you, stanley.
we had a peeping tom the other night. you're making that up. no, i'm not. i saw him plain as anything. he was looking in our bedroom window and yawning. you must have been getting undressed. where'd you get those? oh, chrissy gave them to me. aren't they beautiful? yeah, almost as good as mine. they are yours. she got them from your garden. she what?! don't get mad, stanley. it's the thought that counts. i think we ought to do something for those kids in return like, uh, take them out to dinner. take them out to dinner? what for? just to be neighborly. i don't want to be neighborly. if they would move out i could rent that apartment for a lot more money. ah, come on, stanley. it'd be fun.
careful. you're using up my hair there. ah, come on, stanley. just a little something to give them pleasure. you were young once. you remember the little things that used to give you pleasure? like watching the wright brothers fly for the first time? helen! ah, come on, stanley. all right, i'll invite them out to dinner. it'll give me a rest from your cooking. good. okay, you go and invite them and i'll look for something to wear. oh, are you coming, too? $300 and we're wiped out. do you realize how long it takes me to save $300? how long? i don't know. i'm still saving.
i could just cry. no, chrissy, crying won't help anything. we've got to raise $300 for this month's rent. that was last month's rent. we're already a month behind. well, we've got to raise the money somehow. maybe we could sell something. i've only got one thing worth selling and i was hoping to save that till i got married. my grandmother's wedding ring. maybe... maybe we should just tell roper. ( doorbell rings ) yeah, any reasonable man would understand. oh, you're right. we can't tell roper. tripper, jack tripper? yeah. oh, yes, that's me, officer. i'm the one who phoned in about the stolen money. oh, no, no, officer. there are no signs of forcible entry. we don't know how those burglars got in here.
we keep that there for our own use. no one else is supposed to use it. is there anything else missing? yes, sir. a transistor radio, black, with a silver dial. the volume knob is missing. no, you're forgetting-- i took that to be repaired. which chrissy took to be repaired so it's not missing, sir. are you in the habit of leaving $300 in cash lying around? we're not in the habit of having $300. that was our rent money. every week, we collect money for the pot. oh, i mean the kitty. and you kept this cash hanging around loose? of course not. it wasn't loose. it was in a big, white envelope with the word "rent" printed on it. oh. this $300, do you have the numbers of the notes? yes! two of them were fifties
there was... and there was nothing else missing? not exactly missing but there are always things we can't find. small things, like lipstick, or... you can't find your lipstick? uh... no. janet or chrissy's. or my odd socks. i mean, those items aren't exactly missing. they're just lost. i mean, they're always here somewhere but you can't find them but that's not quite what you're talking about. they didn't take the television set. i wonder why they didn't take the tv. have you seen some of these new shows? ( laughs ) look, officer, we are really in a bind here. if we tell our landlord that we can't pay the rent, he won't believe us. but if you tell him that the money was stolen he'll believe it. what a super idea, janet! thank you.
the money's stolen? please? how many times have you pulled this stunt? what stunt? ah, come on, sonny. you're not dealing with a rookie. next time you want to fake a burglary make it look real. fake? break up a few things. get rid of the tv and think up a better story than leaving $300 lying around in an envelope marked "rent." nobody's that stupid! we are! you're lucky i don't run you all in. hey, wait a minute! yes... sir? ( meekly ): thank you for not running us all in, officer. he didn't even read us our rights. what time is it? 6:00. oh, that means roper will be here any minute to collect the rent! oh, and he warned us last month if we don't have that money today... he won't really throw us out. are you kidding?! ( doorbell rings )
oh, it's him. what will we do? we are going to buy the only thing we can afford... time. we'll go to the pub and hide. why, it's mr. roper! look at mr. roper! it's mr. roper! hello. hi. how are you doing there? i'm fine, thank you. i just came here to tell you... would you like to step inside for just a moment? oh, thank you very much. thank you. like i was saying, i told the wife you know, they're really not bad kids
what will we do about the rent? we can't avoid roper forever. what about that boss of yours-- that one who's always chasing you around? think you could get an advance out of him? only if i let him catch me. where's jack? he's in the bathroom. still? and they talk about women. he stays in that bathroom
he has to shave. we have to put on our makeup. he reads in there. oh. he said it kills two birds with one stone. good morning. how you doing? do you have to walk around the house in your underwear? this is not underwear. it's my bathing suit. i ran out of clean shorts. oh. well in that case, it's all right. why wasn't it all right before? because before i thought it was your underwear. yeah, but it's still the same shorts. you can't tell the difference. i can. how? because your underpants have giraffes on them. you don't catch us walking around the apartment in our underwear. you've been too quick for me.
the guys i know don't have that kind of dough... except charlie! he suddenly came into a lot of money. well, call him. i can't. he's in jail. you're a big help. you two should be able to raise some money. hey, why don't we have a garage sale? we don't have a garage. we could rent one. with what? with the money we make from the sale, dummy. how about you, janet? can you get a loan? forget it. i always have trouble getting loans even though i go in with ten impeccable references. what's the trouble? they always check them out. well, i guess no loans. loans... yes! loans! no "no" loans. "yes" loans. yes! "loans" is the key... he's really flipped out. shall i call a doctor or get a net? why didn't i think of that before? i'm such an idiot.
that's the answer. there is a financial aid department at school. they give loans to students in need. fantastic. but we have to make up a sad story. you've got one-- you were robbed weren't you? they'll throw you out in the street. yeah. to clinch it, tell them two weak girls depend on you. yeah. well, what are you waiting for? can i tell them you're pregnant? get out of here! there's just a few questions. what did you want this money for? the rent money was stolen. our apartment was burgled. they smashed right in. sometimes, i think it would be better just to leave the front door open. we'd probably be safer that way. burglars would think it was a trick and not come in. oh, yeah. there's one thing i'd like to mention, mr. travers. i don't have any collateral.
oh, we need. that's good enough for me. now you said "we." does that mean you share the apartment? with roommates who don't have money, either. since it's harder for a woman to get a loan i decided it's up to me. you're living with a woman? oh, yeah, but that won't hurt my application, will it? jack, jack, this is the '70s for heaven's sake. this is a college, not a monastery. loan approval doesn't depend on how you conduct your private life. oh, good. she doesn't happen to be a student, too? oh, no. she's a typist. that's all right. what does your other roommate do? she works in a flower shop. i really appreciate this, mr. travers. you live with two girls? you seem to have a terrific understanding of my problem. it's a load off my mind believe me. two girls? that's right. well, now...
six, 12, 18 months? oh, may as well go for the 18, huh? may as well. you live with two girls? you'd like them. they're lovely, hard-working... oh, yes, yes. now, uh... $300. are you sure this is going to be enough? oh, yes. i don't believe in biting off more than i can chew. you don't? let's see, i figure... $300? if i can save $20 a month... two girls? mr. travers, i don't want that to bother you. i promise i'll pay back the loan. i work a six-hour school day and study all night but i also find time to pick up part-time jobs.
i almost had the money when mr. travers asked about my father and ruined it. are you illegitimate? no. he wanted to know how much my father made for a living. oh, oh, i see-- so he could be sure you'd pay the loan back. no, so he could be sure i couldn't. i don't get it. neither did i. my father earns over $6,000 a year which means i am not a hardship case. how about that? if my father were poor and starving we'd be sitting pretty. what a lousy break. what are we going to do now? i've got a thought. we mustn't despair. well, what's your thought? that's it-- we mustn't despair. ( doorbell ringing ) we don't need philosophy, jack. we need money. it's the ropers. i'm taking a shower.
are you kidding? he'll be back as soon as he figures it out. it's the pub for us again. grab your coats. how'd they get away this time? hold it, hold it. come back here. this time, nobody's leaving. helen, lock that door. come on, kojak why don't you just tell them why you came? look, we can explain. i don't want any explanation. i just want yes or no. all right. no-- with an explanation. no? you don't want to have dinner with us? what? what? what? he's trying to invite you out to dinner tonight. is that all?
wow, we thought you were coming up to collect the rent. ( all talking at once ) wait a minute, wait a minute. you say something about the rent? i don't remember. because you already paid it. no, because she didn't... we did? remember i came up to fix the sink yesterday? there was an envelope that said "rent" on it. naturally, i took it. we thought we'd been robbed. we had the police here and everything. why didn't you leave us a receipt? a receipt? i always... you think i would take something without leaving a receipt? look. here's my receipt book. see, here's my copy...
hey, john. you better call the humane society. it sounds like somebody in this building's killing a cat. ladies, he's home! come on up! don't forget the baby oil. ha ha! what are you doing? you mean what are we doing. john, you and i are about to entertain two of the hottest dental hygienists in the tri-state area. oh, no... come on, john! john... you have not lived until you have been tied up with dental floss. thanks, but i have a clarinet lesson in a short while. you're taking clarinet lessons? yes. why? if you must know, i've been taking clarinet lessons for six weeks. why?
and always regretted giving it up. why? all right, mr. smart guy, listen to this. [playing clarinet off-key] there. now, what do you think? i think you're the cat killer. oh, kirk, you don't know anything about music. i don't know anything-- [doorbell rings] now, that is music. [ring] bimbos hi! hi! ladies, say hello to john. hi, john. i'm lorraine. and i'm heidi. it's nice meeting you, but i'm afraid i have a clarinet lesson tonight. why? that one's mine. out.
[playing clarinet off-key] well? sounding good, john. you've been practicing. three hours straight every night this week. i got an eviction notice to prove it. [beeper goes off] can i call my wife? i'm waiting for news about a rehearsal hall. my advanced class is giving a recital at carnegie hall. carnegie hall! wow! not on the main stage. we'll be next door at the recital hall. that's still carnegie hall. hi, honey. any word? oh, no. and jerry can't make it?
where am i supposed to find another clarinet player? good clarinet players are hard to come by. we've got no place to rehearse, no clarinet player. i might have to cancel the concert-- hold on a second. john! yeah? i'm on the phone. try to hold the noise down. listen, i got to go. i'll see you in a little while. bye. oh, uh, charlie-- i know what you're thinking. i don't think you'd fit in. i know i'm not as good as your advanced students, but you said i'm coming along. you are-- give me a chance. i'd give anything to tell my grandchildren that i played at carnegie hall-- and not be lying. i guess the part really isn't that difficult. i'll practice. i won't let you down.
are you kidding? i could play this with one lip tied behind my back. what do these black squiggly things mean? i'm kidding. you need a place to rehearse? do it here. well, but there's 12 of us. no problem. all right! friday, 5:00. you got it. fine. thanks, charlie. i won't let you down. bye. carnegie hall... oh, wow. carnegie hall. and now, ladies and gentlemen, after a 35-year absence from the music scene, let's give a warm carnegie hall welcome to that very talented hotlips lacey.
well... her name... is molly. and she is beautiful. she just started at the tunnel. i've been picked to train her. they got us working together in the same cramped tollbooth. it's so exciting. today, molly and i almost... bumped change-makers. ha ha ha! all right, ralphie. keep up the good work and before long, she'll have you screaming good golly, miss molly. kirk, why must you turn a sweet infatuation like this into some sleazy sexual conquest? somebody's got to. whoa! whoa! whoa!
old robochops. i guess kirk has told you i'm taking clarinet lessons. yes. yeah. i suppose he's also said i have no talent. actually, he was supportive. he said there's no way you could get worse. think you're very funny, don't you, kirk? want to hear something really funny? yeah. one week from this saturday, i, john lacey, will be performing at carnegie hall. ha ha ha! that's a good one, john! ralph! ralph! ralph, i'm not joking. make up your mind. you've been invited to play carnegie hall? yeah, that's right, and roseanne barr has been invited to sing at the white house. my teacher's advanced class
and i'm going to be one of the soloists. oh, john, that's great. well, this is very exciting, and i think we should go. i suggest that whatever anyone's doing that night, we cancel our plan. that's going to be hard for me, louise. i don't have any plans. well, i wouldn't miss this for the world. you guys would really go all the way into manhattan to see a...amateur musician play at carnegie hall? of course we would, john. good. curtain's at 8:00 sharp. don't be late. louise, a babysitter will be at your place at 7:00. your hair appointment's at 4:00. no, 5:00. trust me. it's at 4:00. john, can i get one? you, kirk? you really want one? you bet i do. say please. please?
stuck between my teeth. it's been driving me crazy all day. [humming] [telephone rings] yes, hello. no, no. no, kirk, you cannot bring anyone over here right now. no, no. i'm busy. i'm busy. i'm not interested in meeting a gymnast. i don't care what she can do on a balance beam. really? no, kirk. no, kirk. i'm sorry. i'll see you later on at the 1-2-1. my fellow musicians are coming over for our first rehearsal. [doorbell rings] the guys are here. laugh all you like, but i'll finally be playing with musicians i respect. evening, john. come on in, guys.
nice. nice place you got here. hi. boy. to help preserve our environment. i got involved. i boosted tourism in my farm community by by painting 55 barn quilts. i got involved. i enjoy gardening and love delivering a fresh supply of produce and flowers to a local shelter. i got involved. young volunteers have a winning spirit that we think is worth celebrating. middle and high school students: ask your school principal about applying for a prudential spirit of community award. volunteer! i really want to show you something. karen o.: 1, 2, ready, go l-o-v-e it's a mystery all is love is love ow! ooh ooh...
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and when they show up, i find out i'm the only orchestra member that doesn't believe in santa claus. i can't let those kids down no matter how embarrassing it'll be for me. i have five minutes to think up some excuse so my friends won't show up at carnegie hall. carnegie hall? i don't drive my taxi to manhattan. no. the concert's tomorrow night. maybe i could say carnegie hall burned down. no, it was flooded. no, they'll never believe that. what else is there? drought. famine. pestilence. thank you, that's enough. good. i was making myself homesick. hey, if i offered you $20 for your turban,
of course. this turban belonged to my grandfather. how about 25? deal. oh. o.k. it's getting bad, kirk. last night i even had a dream about molly. we were running through the lincoln tunnel, hand in hand. buck naked. suddenly, she threw me down and started to make wild, passionate love to me. ohhhh! it was great. at least it was until a volkswagen ran over us. and then a station wagon. then a stretch limo. a winnebago even crossed the solid yellow line to get a shot at us. i like sex as much as the next guy, but i'll be damned if i'll die for it. hi, doc. hi.
hey, ralph, go ahead. tell these guys your dream about molly-- shh! shh! oh, really? was it romantic? if you don't mind a winnebago wasting you. shh! shut up! there he is! bravo! hey, hey! bravo! please, please. we're just practicing for tomorrow night. we're so excited. i bought a new dress for the occasion. it's got the cutest little sequin top, darling patent leather belt, and the skirt just kind of flares out, and-- oh, no. what's wrong? i just decided i don't like it. it's just as well, because i'm afraid i can't perform tomorrow night.
what are you talking about, john? well, you see, uh... i have clarinet elbow. clarinet elbow? yes. i can't move my arm. john, how could you hurt your elbow playing the clarinet? oh, did i say playing? actually, i was carrying it. down 73rd street. at midnight. john, what were you doing... on 73rd street... at midnight? what was i doing? i was walking. and i heard footsteps behind me. i started walking faster, and the footsteps got faster, and finally this guy-- maybe two guys-- caught up to me and grabbed my clarinet case
on my elbow. john, you mean you didn't even put up a fight? fight? the guys were this tall and this wide. what do you know? the doctor was right. clarinet elbow seems to come and go. that's great! o.k., o.k. there's nothing wrong with my elbow at all. i made up the whole story because i... i don't want anyone coming to carnegie hall tomorrow night. why not? oh, no. it's my dress, isn't it? no, no. i don't want you to come because i just found out that all the musicians i'll be playing with are 9 years old. you see now? you see?
you'll laugh. that's why i don't want you coming. no, we won't. you'll laugh. you got to promise me. promise me you're not coming. aw. all right. all right, john. it's a big disappointment, but i suppose we do understand your position. good. what about`zou, kirk? what? me laugh? would i laugh knowing how much this means to you? damn right. that really hurts, john. sure, all the others would laugh. we wouldn't. oh, come on, louise! don't pretend. i know what's going through all your minds. oh, yeah. let's go see a performance of mozart featuring john lacey and the seven dwarfs.
we'll make a movie-- honey, i shrunk the orchestra. come on, kirk! kirk! louise! you promised you wouldn't be here. you were going to cuddle in front of the telly with pete. i was, but he's been mad ever since i had him neutered. hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! what is the problem? the lady asked me to hold her seat.
hi, everybody. what are y'all doing here? apparently the same thing as you. i wish i'd known. we wouldn't have had to take separate limos. fine support group we are. maybe it's good we all showed up. we'll have a chance to make up for our childish behavior last night. they're about to start. listen, let's go inside. we'll sit quietly, and at the end, we'll give john a standing ovation. hold it.
john, we didn't laugh at you. what you heard were all the other people in the audience. yeah, and some of the people who work here. even though i did fall on my face, there were a few moments when i actually felt like a real musician. maybe someday i'll be good enough to play with people my own age. let's hope so, because those kids don't want to have anything to do with you. kill the lights, joe! i'll get 'em. listen, guys. uh... this is the closest i'll get to carnegie hall without buying a ticket. i'd like to be alone for a few minutes. of course. good night, john.
[plays clarinet] hey, buddy, get off the stage. i'm trying to close up. keep your shirt on. this is important to me. [plays note perfectly] captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. mom's waiting. so long, uncle kirk. see you, squirt. wait a minute. aren't you forgetting something? dad, my book report isn't due for two weeks.
a tale of two cities is over 300 pages. why even read it? rent the video. works for me. well, not for me. here. read. enjoy. o.k. just read. goodbye. see you, matt. i would appreciate it if you left my son's education to me. no offense, but you don't know literature. oh, no? no. why? because i don't flaunt it? ask me anything. what about tale of two cities. the tale of two cities. everything. her name is mona. she lives in minneapolis-st. paul. dear john dear john
it won't be the same at the tunnel without barney. it's the first time i've heard of a toll collector being arrested for embezzlement. how did they catch him? oh, he was careless. tried to buy a condominium with 250,000 rolls of quarters. hello. hi, ralph. hello. hi, everybody. hey, ladies. here, louise. i couldn't put it down. "a single woman's guide to adventure" by jessica stone. jessica stone? naw, it couldn't be. can i see that? she wrote this incredible book. she's had some of the wildest adventures in the strangest places. me, too, but i never wrote a book about it. what a shame.
it is. it's her. it's jessie. jessie? i take it you know jessica stone. know her? well, yes, i sure did know her. i haven't seen her in about 20 years. oh, i just read this book. jessica stone is such a fascinating woman. she's climbed seven of the world's highest peaks. really? i'm surprised we never ran into each other. those sherpa guides are usually good about introducing people. she also spent three months alone in a south american jungle barely escaping an attack of fire ants. did you know that fire ants can devour an entire elephant carcass in less than an hour? then they burp and explode. john.
oh, i'm, uh, i'm very sorry. let's get on with the meeting. john, you can't announce you know a famous author and not tell us about it. yeah. how well did you know her? did you share some wild adventures? we had a wild one the day we met. we were 13 years old at lincoln junior high. the first day of school. i was the new kid. forget your combination, goofball? i was making a great first impression. a guy knows. excuse me, cutie. there i was, totally humiliated by a girl. i kind of liked it. you're new, huh?