tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC February 8, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am PST
>> now, now i said -- >> you are a weird person. >> my wife said -- >> you are a very weird person. >> my wife said this is very hostile, and i said it is not -- i happen to have the article right here. [ laughter ] >> it's not necessary. >> if i say to johnny, if i ask you certain follow-up questions, the way say sam donaldson might do. and you find them uncomfortable, you can say no comment. and she said that's not fair. i can press a couple of these questions in here, or i can reveal certain things about myself. what do you want to do -- >> well, there will be plenty of shows in the fall for you to go on. [ applause ] >> so -- i see end --
really -- >> what do you want to do -- >> i'll make a deal with you. i'll ask you a question that is a follow-up of this interview that appeared in the los angeles times. it's not like i'm making up these questions. >> i understand that. >> i'll ask a question, and then i'll reveal something about myself. [ cheers and applause ] >> is that fair? >> sure. >> all right. because we're here to be fair. the first thing i would like to ask -- >> you look like ben franklin. [ laughter ] >> actually this has to do with ed -- a quote from ed. that you will go to johnny's dressing room and spend exactly seven minutes there before the show -- it's a tradition. >> yes. >> johnny will invariably be alone rolling a quarter or doing an old magic trick. all right. all right. we never talk about the show. we might talk about sex. all right. [ laughter ] >> that's my first question. >> uh-huh. >> before the show you and ed
>> wherever you are, and talk about sex. >> right. >> what do you say about sex? >> where can we get some? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> all right. >> now of course if you are going to give me a straight line, i'm going to give you a comedian's answer. >> that's fair. >> well you have asked me a question now. how long have you been married? >> wait a minute. >> you had your question. you have been married how long? >> three years? >> did you ever have an extramarital affair. >> oooooooh! >> wait a minute. wait a minute. >> that's a fair question. >> no, no. i don't even -- >> no, no. [ mumbling ] >> one no will be plenty.
no, no, no, hey. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> just a simple -- the answer to that question is a simple dignified "of course not" and you go on. >> have you? >> i haven't been married long enough to have an extramarital affair. in that was not a fair question. >> what i meant by this deal wasn't that you would ask me questions. >> oh -- >> i would ask you -- all right. we can do it that way, but i was going to reveal something personal. >> okay. >> you answered this question, you and ed before the show you talk about sex before the show. >> you have 30 seconds to give a reveal. >> i had an obscene phone call very recently. i was on the other phone. and the other phone rang, and the man said to me, i would like to make love to you.
i got off of the other call. i said what did you say? he said i would like to make love to you. and i said i'm not a homosexual. and he said oh. and i today is this what you do? call people up and say i would like to have sex with you? and he said yes. i said does it ever lead to anything? and he said yes, it does. and i said well, i can't participate, but don't call again. [ laughter ] >> your time is up -- >> now while i am up -- >> you have revealed more than enough. >> before we go, would you just say the word sometimes. >> sometimes. [ laughter ] >> hum. [ laughter ]
[ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> okay. my next guest, dom irrera -- dom is a regular performer at both the comedy store and the improvisation in hollywood, and he appears frequently in atlantic city. would you welcome dom irrera. dom? [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> thank you. hi, i am dom irrera.
i am originally from philadelphia, i'm proud to say. [ applause ] >> i lived in south philadelphia, very italian section for the first eight years of my life. forget about it, what am i the old dom, come here. over here. i moved to west philadelphia mostly black neighborhood. my man dom, that's my main man dom, huh huh. i loved up to new york about eight years ago -- [ applause ] >> thanks. i was in new york about eight years ago, i figured it would do a couple of shows. maybe an nbc special or two. had a lot of job offers. took the waiter job. [ laughter ] >> waiter i don't like the texture of this salad dressing. [ laughter ]
at 28 years old under the brooklyn bridge. running for cars. 16 year old kid would drive up in a white cadillac, i would open the door for him, he would rub me on the head give me a quarter and call me slugger. here you go slugger. oh, thank you. don't make it a big deal, waving a dollar bill at a guy. here you go. like you are supposed to turn into flippy the seal. oh, thank you. now i can go to a good school. i think i should tell you i'm from a broken home. my father left home when i was in the second grade. my father never cheated on my mother. he used to cheat on me. he would pick up other kids and take them to the zoo. when he got drunk
he said i met another kid. for the first time in my life i feel like a real father. my mother said dominic, you will always be my son, you stay here as long as you have a job. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> rejection is tough. i'm going to level with you. even i didn't always do that well with women. [ laughter ] >> i know you are thinking come off of it, you supple hunk, who are you kidding doll face. i asked one girl out, she said have you got a friend? i said yes, and she said why don't you go out with him. one time a girl was giving me the walk papers. i said are you seeing somebody? no. are you dating around? no. i just don't like you. [ laughter ] >> i was one of those neurotic catholic kids. i thought everything i did was a sin.
when i saw a bra commercial. the thing i worry about was judgment day. how embarrassing is this going to be? your whole family is sitting there naked on little stools, angels wheel out giant video cassette recordings of your whole life, slow motion you have got to watch yourself dancing naked in front of a mirror at 14. [ laughter ] >> your mother is going i thought you were making models you little pervert. hey, mom, forget about it. [ laughter ] >> i love being a comedian, because you can be honest. certain occupations you can't be honest. barber. a guy comes in all of those pictures on the wall, i would like to look like him. the barber could never go, listen you fat pig, he is a human model,
do you understand me? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i love working at the studios too. no smoke. i hate when people smoke in my face. i got a nasty habit, i'll admit it. spitting. spitting is a disgusting vial habit, but i would sit at lunch with somebody, so how was your day? i had a rough one. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> yeah, i had a pretty bad day myself. [ laughter ] >> i -- i hate when people -- [ laughter ] >> that was a good one. [ laughter ] >> i hate when people spray food on me and don't acknowledge it. look we both know you just hooked a piece of meat on to my nose. you know it's there, i know it's there. do something, anything, tap the back of my head,
into the stew. acknowledge it. i was sitting with a girl, ham and cheese sandwiches because i spend. i rocket a piece of lettuce on to her eyebrow, i figured i need to do something. i put a piece on my eyebrow. told her it was cool. [ laughter ] >> my grandfather used to smoke these big disgusting cigars. he would have stubble that you grate cheese on, wine breath. he wanted to give me a kiss for a quarter. grandpa you have got to come up some bucks for a kiss. forget about it, grandpa. [ laughter ] >> thank you.
[ music ] [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> okay. my next guest is probably the most -- most popular baseball hot dog vendor in america, in a lot of parks he is known simply as the voice. welcome tommy walton. [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> hello tommy. you brought some samples we're going to see later, right? >> we have a few here. >> where do you come in from? >> i was in st. petersburg. >> but you have worked a lot of ballparks. >> every major league stadium. >> you get a chance
>> oh, yes, i watch it somewhat. [ laughter ] >> i only like the part where you tell the jokes, and then right after you swing the golf club, off goes the tv. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> i mean, i'm serious. [ laughter ] the highlights of mr. charles grodin many appearances. >> when did you start selling hot dogs? >> about 15 years. >> had you sold before that? >> yes, what happened when i was a kid, you know, me and my dad used to sell vegetables off of the wagon, you know? >> right. and i would take and sit up there -- he would bore me, you know, with the stuff going through -- the people let us grow vegetables in their backyard, and he would go through on friday, saturday, sunday, we got peas and beans and greens,
i said dad let me do this. maybe we can do better. let me try. so the next day i got up there, you know. these guys were doing these raps. now i had been doing it for years. i start hollering here are the vegetables my dad he would be peas and greens and apples -- the next day-- hey, i got peas, beans, apples -- and people just come out all over town. and go crazy. [ cheers and applause ] >> that's some rapping sales talk. you may have started the whole rapping thing without knowing out. >> i think about that sometimes. [ laughter ] >> somebody told me when you sell the hot dogs you do better than anybody else. is that the secret. >> you got to have that vim. you got to have something to do for the people, you know, and then they will appreciate you more.
sometimes get a little dull. >> and that's where i pick up the slack. >> what is the biggest tip you ever got? >> really, once i was -- i never get a chance to go to the bleachers, but this guy called me over. and he said how many do you got there? and i said this thing carries about 50 hot dogs. he said to throw them around and gave me $200 bills. >> is there a trick to throwing these? >> not really. >> somebody told me once you through one, and the thing separated-- >> oh, yes. [ laughter ] >> you know a guy when he takes his girl out. he likes to show off. he was about 20 flights up. he said i'll have a couple of hot dogs tom. i tossed one of them. and the next one
[ music ] >> i'm humbled by that applause. come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again
four pairs of shoes two blouses, a curling iron traveling iron, a water pick a hair dryer and a nightgown. uh, don't you think that's a little much? after all, you're only going to be going overnight. you're right. i don't need the nightgown. oh, chrissy, do you honestly think you need that portable beauty parlor? judy hogan is going to marry a wealthy, handsome architect and judy is one of my best friends so i figure the least i can do is show up at her shower looking better than she does. i'm sorry. listen, chrissy, put it on the floor. you see, jack, the problem is you can't close the bag on the sofa. it should be sitting on a firm surface. you trying to tell me how to pack? i've done more traveling... hey! it works. you are smart, janet. thank you. ( doorbell rings ) jack could have taken care of it, too-- if we'd given him a couple of weeks. hi, jan. here's the camera. oh, you remembered! thank you. you're welcome.
stanley and i bought it three years ago. we thought it'd be nice to take pictures of all the interesting places we go to. how does it work? i don't know. it's never been used. i've seen one. it's simple. you press a button and it goes to work right away. yeah... i wish stanley had a button like that. these things are remarkable. all you do is look through the little viewfinder push the shutter, wait a moment and the picture just sort of oozes out. why don't you guys get together and i'll take a picture of you, okay? here we go. smile. no. janet, change places with mrs. roper. okay. that's it. mrs. roper, squinch down a little bit. chrissy, put your arm on your hip. not you, janet. i'm talking to chrissy. chrissy, take your arm off your hip it's a bad idea. janet, look at chrissy. chrissy, look at janet. mrs. roper, look at me. chrissy turn your head to janet. all right. girls, change places just a second. okay. no, no. back the way it was.
mrs. roper, look at me. act natural. will you just take the pic...! well. the picture should be oozing out any second. oh. there's no film in the camera. in that case, it may take a little longer. ( horn honks ) oh, that's sue! oh, her present! we almost forgot her gift. chrissy, i'll take your bag down for you. okay. thanks, jack. it certainly makes a difference without your nightgown. you know, all of this takes me back to the parties i used to go to when i was a girl. did you have a bridal shower, mrs. roper? oh, sure... well, not exactly a shower. it was more of a drizzle. but that was mary milligan's fault. mary milligan?
until i took him away from her. oh, did she make a scene? no. as a matter of fact all through the shower, she never stopped laughing. here we go, chrissy. mrs. roper, we got her this terrific crockpot. yeah. we figured the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. that's a crock, all right. ( breathless ): s-sue... sue's waiting for you downstairs. well, have a good time, girls. and jack, since you're going to be on your own tonight-- well, if you get lonesome, just give me a ring, huh? won't that wake mr. roper? that's the idea. hey, you won't really be lonely, will you, jack? lonely? just because one is alone? okay, chrissy, let's go. all alone with no one to talk to? nobody to share one's joys, one's woes? all right, that's everything. janet, i won't be lonely so get off the subject.
bye, babe. janet... ah-ah! no more of that poor, lonely soul stuff. i want you to know that while you're gone i will talk to your plants. thank you. i won't have anybody else to talk to. let's go, chrissy! all by myself! bye, jack! hey, but don't worry. i'll be all right, all alone... in my empty room. ( disco music playing on stereo ) jack, you sure know how to throw a party. oh, celise, it's so nice to see you having fun. in fact, it's nice to see you doing anything. where do you keep your glasses? hey, what are you doing? waiting on people at the regal beagle? this is a party. relax, and i will serve you for a change. ( doorbell rings ) but i have everything i need. oh, that's true, that's true.
hey, jack-- you know you're driving me crazy? sure... you are driving me crazy! knock it off! come on in. have a drink. i don't want to come in. anything you say. ( banging ) change your mind? good. come on in. jack, if you don't quiet down in here you're going out on your ear. very good. do you write a lot of poetry? i mean it. the noise... what is that one? is that a... friend of yours? hey, mr. roper, he's a nice guy. oh, that's a nice one, all right. that's a beauty. listen, why don't you guys do something quiet at night like do each other's hair? mr. roper, join us for a drink. loosen up-- have some fun. i'm not here to have fun. i'm here because i want to go to bed. i'm sorry. it's not that kind of a party. if mrs. roper hadn't taken a sleeping pill she'd be up here complaining too. hello, mr. roper.
maybe... just for a minute. let's dance. see how nice and quiet we are? why don't you dance quiet? hi. hi. ah, celise, you saved the whole party. i don't know how to thank you. you don't? i'll think of something. ( both grunting ) good lord! oh, what happened? it looks like there was an earthquake. well, i certainly hope for jack's sake that it was.
i don't like this any more than you do but it is jack's life and we've got no right to interfere. okay, i suppose. and remember, what happens between two consulting adults in the privacy of their own home... chrissy... that's "consenting" adults. i know, but first they have to consult. otherwise they wouldn't know what they were consenting to.
so, what do you say we forget the whole thing and we'll clean up the mess? oh, might as well. uhh! gee whiz. who do you think he's got in there with him? i don't know, and i don't care. do you suppose it's anyone we know? oh! sylvia! who? sylvia. the blond with the sports car. i saw her last week. she was driving around with her top down. ( gasps ) ( sighs ) oh. but i'll bet she was. hey, but wait a minute. it was his party. why are we cleaning up the mess? oh, you're right. i've had enough. and i've had enough. and i think jack's had enough. let's go. ( whispering ): all right, lover boy, rise and shine. get up. the party's over. what?
where's my pillow? under your head. where's my head? get up and tell your friend to get lost. me fwe, my fweh... wait a minute. my tongue hasn't gotten up yet. now you listen to me, buster. we are giving you 60 seconds to get her out of here! and we don't want to embarrass anyone so we're going to be in the kitchen. come on, janet. okay. 60 seconds! ( mumbling ) ( door shuts ) ( groans ) honey? sweetheart? baby doll?
not tonight, helen. i got a headache. oh, boy! mr. roper? mr. roper?! helen, you wouldn't believe what a nightmare i just had. mr. roper, wake up! come on, wake up! hey! oh, my god. what have you done with helen? mr. roper, uh... what are you doing here? this is my bed! oh, my god! how did you get me up here? you drank a lot and you must have passed out. i never pass out. why were you in my bed? i must have passed out.
i was doing the hustle with somebo... this is awful! what? my being in bed with you and you being a... tinkerbell? people are liable to get the wrong idea. yeah, i see what you mean. listen... yes... you got to promise me something. that we'll just keep it between the two of us. what happened here will never leave these lips. i appreciate it. i can't vouch for the blabbermouths. what? not to worry. most were your friends from the bar. oh, my god! i got to get out of here. ooh, the girls. the girls went to san diego, right? right. and they
the window. it won't open. why not? you still haven't fixed it. i'm trapped! mr. roper, the girls will be in the kitchen so you can just sneak out and they won't see you. oh, good, good. oh... this never happened. right? right. and thank you for a lovely evening. ( laughing ) you've got a loose floorboard here. i came up to inspect it. that's why i'm not wearing my shoes. see, because my feet are much closer to the ground. i can just... the reason i didn't ring your bell was because i knew you were in san diego
( both laughing ) what's so funny? oh, uh... i'm sorry, mr. roper, but, uh... we saw you coming out of jack's room. ( laughing ) oh, that, oh. i got a very good explanation for that. no, no, please, you don't have to explain to us. but i want to! it's not our business. ( singsong ): anyway, we know what we saw! it's not what you think. ( doorbell rings ) don't answer that! why not? there's liable to be somebody at the door. look, now, will you relax, mr. roper? nobody cares if you're up here. ( laughs ) janet, i'm so worried. stanley.... stanley! where have you been all night?! why do you ask that, helen?
i just got up and found out you hadn't been in bed all night. and you got worried. of course i got worried. after all, sleeping is your favorite hobby. i... but... see... uh... i slept up here last night. up here? yeah. uh... oh... on the couch. oh. good morning, mrs. roper. good mor... oh, hi, jack! how have you been? i haven't seen you for a while. here's your wallet. you left it in my bed. i thought you said you slept on the couch? yeah, well, i-i, yeah, well... i-i-i-i-i-i... come on, chrissy, come on. come on! i want to stay and hear what he's go to say. come on! i think i'll help... you better stay! you're my only witness. i want to know why you lied to me just now.
this is it, so help me. jack gave a party last night, and i came up here but not to have a good time. i believe that. and somebody offered me a drink and then another, and then another. and well, you know that i can't take more than two drinks. yes, i know, stanley. so, i must have passed out because the next thing i remember i woke up this morning in jack's bed. oh. i understand. you don't believe me! yes, i do. no, you don't! the girls don't believe me! nobody believes me! you're being ridiculous. what if this gets out? hey, don't worry. i told you i won't tell anybody. neither will we, promise! what about everybody at the party? ( doorbell rings ) hey, that gang from the regal beagle was so high last night they won't even remember you were here.
hi, jack. hi, celise. i left something here last night... ah, say no more. is this yours? you got to be kidding. mr. roper! i couldn't believe what you did last night. i didn't do anything! what did i do? you don't remember? the way you and jack were carrying on? oh, my god! the gang couldn't get over it. you really surprised everybody. how? how? what did he do? i don't want to hear it. is he all right? i don't think he knows what he is right now. well, go on, tell us. how did he surprise everybody? excuse me. well, the party was in full swing and... mr. roper? don't talk to me. oh, come on. it's not as bad as you think. could it be worse? you could be dead. that would be better.
oh, come on... i can't go outside my house. people will start pointing and telling stories behind my back. and my own wife... my own wife who's always looked up to me as a man. i don't know what to do. mr. roper... i'm so ashamed. don't say anything! there's nothing you can say that's going to help me. yes, there is. i'm so ashamed.
it's the truth. i'm straight. if you're straight, then i'm the king of siam. just listen to me for a minute, please. and you're the queen. and just as the party started to sag jack and mr. roper surprised everybody... oh, i'm glad you're back. i was st about to tell them what you two crazies did. see, it's starting up already. i knew it! i'm a little teapot, short and stout here is my ha, here is my spout. never mind the singing. tell 'em what happened. tell the whole world what happened! i don't care anymore! you two were so cute! i'm a little teapot. he had us all in stitches. all right, get on with it. get on with it. what else did i do? nothing. you said that was the only song you knew all the words to. the two of you kept singing it all night long.
jack, there's no reason to be ashamed. i was cute, huh? adorable. i bet you didn't know how talented your husband is. oh, stanley keeps his talents well hidden. you know me, helen. i don't like to flaunt it. you can say that again. oh, there it is. my earring. i knew i lost it here. it's all your fault, you little ear nibbler, you. well, good-bye, all. don't forget me the next time you throw a party. i'll see you at the beagle. so, the little teapot has taken up ear nibbling, huh? come on, stanley. wait, helen, wait. i was just thinking. so was i... about breaking your spout. no, wait, there's something i have to straighten out.
i want you all to hear this. jack... hmm? this stuff that you were telling me about how you tricked me so you could live up here. oh, oh, that? well... what did you tell him? uh... that i was straight. what? now if that's true and you're living here with them i got to throw you out of here! no, wait... stanley... wait a minute. why would he say something that wasn't true if it was true, huh? he probably... i'll tell you why! he did it for me. he did it to get me off the hook. he's a decent person. i don't approve of what you stand for...
come and knock on our door come and knock on our door we've been waitin' for you we've been waitin' for you where the kisses are hers and hers and his three's company, too come and dance on our floor come and dance on our floor take a step that is new take a step that is new we've a lovable space that needs your face three's company, too you'll see that life is a ball again laughter is callin' for you down at our rendezvous
janet, what's this guy like? lloyd? he's ancient. he must be at least 40. you know, he still remembers chubby checker. some of these 40-year-old guys can move around pretty good. well, i'll tell you what. i think it's getting pretty serious. she's been going out with him for weeks now. she must be after his social security checks. chrissy, would you like me to stay and help lloyd up the stairs with his wheelchair? ha ha ha. at least lloyd's got some sophistication. i don't suppose you know what that means. i sure do. it means you cover your mouth with one hand while you're picking your teeth with the other. lloyd's got style, class... will you stop looking into my pots? i don't want any criticism about my cooking. my lips are sealed. and so will his be when he eats that. get lost. you're taking a big risk, chrissy.
well, he's not going to be looking at the food with me wearing this dress. what's this guy like? where did you meet him? at the supermarket. oh, no. he picked you up? no. you see, i dropped my liver... a handkerchief would've been better. and he picked it up and he gave it back to me. oh, that's class. and at the check-out counter he let me get in front of him. so he could get a better look at your rump roast? i didn't buy any. oh, you! ( doorbell rings ) oh, that's lloyd. could you let him in while i fix my hair? lloyd's here! oh, i'm so excited! hi. come on in. oh, i'll take that. thank you. well, you must be janet. yep. chrissy didn't tell me you were beautiful.
i like him. ah, good evening. good evening. i'm jack tripper. lloyd cross. why, did mommy spank you? ah, won't you sit down? you must be tired after climbing that flight of stairs. not really. well, uh, chrissy tells me you're in technical college. studying dressmaking? cooking. oh, well, i knew it was something like that. do you remember bill haley and the comets, too? what? 1, 2, 3:00, 4:00 rock... ah! hi. lloyd, this is jack. lloyd, this is janet. jack, janet, this is good-bye. oh. sure. right.
if you need anything, i'll be right outside the keyhole. come on, jack. oh, you look beautiful. oh, so do you. mmm. we keep this up much longer my broccoli will get soft. am i boring you? i'm sorry. i'm just worried about chrissy. come on, jack. she can take care of herself. she's not by herself. she's with that lloyd character. you wouldn't be jealous, would you? jealous? me? of course not. i just don't like his type-- you know, good-looking, charming, successful. wow. and you didn't like him? gee, i thought opposites attracted each other. as long as we have to stay out of the house we might as well have some fun. yeah, let's.