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tv   Today  NBC  February 10, 2016 2:07am-3:00am PST

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- that's why i called this meeting. you see, ronnie already bought the boat, and george doesn't want him to have it. that's my problem. - gracie, i-- - please, harry. we have to run this like a regular meeting. now, i'll be the chairman. and if you have any suggestions, ask me for the floor. (audience laughter) - okay, well, madam chairman, may i please have the floor? - no. (audience laughter) - well, i... - blanche always has better ideas than you. well, blanche? - well, i can't think of a thing. - how about you, ronnie? - no, i'm blank. - mr. von zell, you have the floor.
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that ronnie needs the boat. - how are you going to do that, tell him this is holland and the dike broke? - i told you blanche would come up with something good. go ahead, blanche. - well honey, i was being sarcastic. - oh. mr. von zell, you have the floor. - i thought we could tell george that ronnie needs the boat for his health. you know, the salt air? - tell dad i need it for my health? - that's a wonderful idea, ronnie! oh ho ho, if blanche couldn't think of something, i knew you could. (audience laughter) - oh, gracie, i was-- - please, mr. von zell, you had your chance and you couldn't come up with anything. - well, i just started to say, it was-- - now, remember ronnie, if you want the boat, you have to make your father believe it's for your health. so go up and see him, and start coughing. - coughing? oh, mother, i couldn't do that. - well, all right, i'll go with you and do the coughing for you. you just cover your mouth and your father will think it's you. (audience laughter)
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- [george] maybe i could think of something to tell him. (audience laughter) - well, i'm leaving, goodbye. - i'll go with you. - [blanche] excuse me. -[harry] oh hello, goodbye, george. - oh, i hope you feel better, ronnie. - thank you. (audience laughter) - you'd never think it at his age, huh? - oh, i don't think it's anything serious. - [blanche] (clicks tongue) - what's wrong, aren't you feeling well? - oh, it's nothing to worry about dear, if we follow the doctor's prescription. - doctor? what doctor? - the one who prescribed the 22 foot cabin cruiser. (audience laughter) - yeah, you see, the doctor examined me, but gave mother the prescription. - when do you take this boat, before or after meals? - well, he needs salt in his air, because he's got a bad cough. - he's got a bad cough, so he needs salt in his air. - yeah. (coughs) (audience laughter) - yeah, it's a pretty bad cold. - yeah, the poor boy has taken everything for it. (gracie coughs)
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- he can't get rid of it huh? - no. (coughs) - why do you turn every tiem ronnie coughs? - i don't want to catch it. - i don't know why, he's caught a lot of things from you. (coughs) that was me. (audience laughter) - come on, mother, let's (drowned out by laughter) - oh, harry von zell and his ideas. we'd have been better off with holland and that dike breaking. (audience laughter) (phone rings) - hello? - hello, i'm calling george burns, are you there? - yeah, this is george burns. - good, frank macdougal here. i represent the british broadcasting company in london. - oh, nice to speak to you again, mr. macdougal. how are our television shows doing over there? - oh, excellent, excellent. your wife is very popular. - i noticed you mentioned two excellents. who's the other one for? - your son, also very popular. - well, two out of three isn't bad. - anyway, we're very anxious to renew your contract for next year,
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- when can i expect you? - i'll be there in about an hour, perhaps a bit sooner if i can get a taxi. -oh, taxi? are they running taxis from london to beverly hills now? - oh no, old man. i'm in beverly hills, at the hotel. just where i was when you did that same joke last year. (laughs) uh, cheerio. - cheerio. must be true about the english sense of humor. i told my joke last year and he didn't laugh, and this year he did. i guess it takes them a long time to get it. (audience laughter) - now that's why i had to call another meeting. you see, we're in real trouble. it's now 2:30, and that credit man will be here at 3:10. and we've got 40 minutes to convince george that ronnie should have the boat. now, we'll do this in an orderly fashion. who's got an idea? blanche? (audience laughter) - [blanche] no. - [gracie] ronnie? (audience laughter) - [ronnie] no.
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(audience laughter) uh, ronnie. - why don't we tell dad the truth? - oh, ronnie. we have to be careful of that. if your father ever gets used to the truth, i don't know what i'll do. (audience laughter) now, come, come, come. somebody must have an idea. blanche. - gracie, what's the matter with me? - you shouldn't even be at this meeting, having me cough and ronnie cover his mouth. how did you expect that to work? - i didn't. - then why did you suggest it? - i did... gracie, look, would you listen to me please? - blanche? - i've got an idea. - i knew you'd come up with something. - yeah, let's listen to harry von zell. - ronnie? - yeah, let's listen to what mr. von zell has to say. - oh, you're lucky we're living in a democracy. go ahead. (audience laughter) - i was just going to say that it was harry morton's idea about the annuity. now if we can get him to go over and convince george that the boat is better than the annuity, we've got no problem.
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you go over and do it. - it was your idea, you come over and help me. (audience laughter) - say, mother, i want to thank you for what you're trying to do. and if dad lets me have the boat, i'll let you think up a name for it. - oh, and if he doesn't, we'll both think up a name for him.
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- as i was saying, i don't know who gave george the idea of ronnie investing in an annuity when a boat is really what he wants. - oh, yes, i know we'd all be taking weekend trips on it. it's a 22 foot cabin cruiser. - oh, yes, i know, and george would probably stock it with food and it would make such a wonderful economical summer vacation. - oh yes, and the salt air would be wonderful for ronnie's health. - ronnie's health? well what about my harry? why, there's nothing like the ocean breezes and the sun to relax a man
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- oh, sure, the sun would do harry good. - oh yes, you should see him with a suntan. he looks just like a college boy. - [harry morton] cease. (audience laughter) get yourselves some yachting togs. i'm going over and talk to george. (audience laughter) george, my friend? this may surprise you. but when i gave you that advice this morning, i made a mistake. - harry my friend, i made a mistake too. i asked for it. - no, i still feel that annuities are a fine investment. but i believe that a lad of ronald's age would derive more satisfaction from something that provided recreation and a healthful environment. - yeah, it would cure his mother's cough too. - if she has a cold, yes. may i? - i should say not. -eh? -oh, sit down, harry. how do you think ronnie ought to spend this check he got to build up his health? - well george, it seems to me-- - what do you think of a badminton court? - well, that's hardly the place to spend the weekend.
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(audience laughter) - how about spending it on a course at the gymnasium? - george, doctors agree that salt air is highly-- - salt air, there's a gymnasium at hermosa beach that's perfect. - the boy should be out of doors. - this one will do it, it has no roof. - george, i was thinking of buying a boat. - well, if you're buying a boat, ronnie can use yours. - what? - well, he was thinking of buying one, but as long as you're getting one, he can put his money into an annuity. (audience laughter) - oh, look, i didn't mean-- - look, harry, i know why you're here, so stop knocking yourself out. i'm letting ronnie buy this boat. in fact, i'm going over to look at it later. - wonderful. may i come along? - of course. - and von zell. - good. you know, george, i am eagerly looking forward to this adventure on the briney deep. as the poet john maysfield so eloquently expresses it, "i must go down to the sea again, "to the lonely sea and sky. "and all i ask is a tall ship, "and a star to steer her by. "and the wheels crack, and the winds--" (audience laughter) george, you're uncouth. but in the salt air, it won't be so noticeable.
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(doorbell rings) - say, ronnie, it's almost ten minutes after three, and i haven't even heard from blanche and harry. (doorbell rings) i hope your father isn't up in his room. - no, dad's not up here. - oh. oh, you can't come in until i check the house. (audience laughter) george! george, are you up in the den? - yes, what is it? -oh, um, you wouldn't want to see a man at the front door who's selling insurance, would you? - why not i've got nothing to do? - well, stay in the den, and if one shows up, i'll call you. (audience laughter) oh, you can come in now. but if he walks in on us, let me do the talking. - well mrs. burns, i've just come to have mr. burns sign the contract. - yes, i know, and instead of 3:10,
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- what? - i hope you didn't bring the boat with you. -[mr. macdougal] boat? what boat? - your boat. - are you referring to the boat on which i came over from london? - oh, stop. that boat couldn't make a trip like that. it only has room for two horses. the other 98 probably have to sleep standing up. (audience laughter) - by any chance have i stumbled into one of your television rehearsals? -[george] gracie? - oh, here he comes. no matter what you tell him, don't say anything. (audience laughter) i can't let him find you here until i soften him up. - are you thinking of hiding me in the closet? - no, i was thinking of getting your hat, but it's a much better idea. - but, but, but-- (audience laughter) -gracie, i heard you talking to somebody. who's here? - oh, the insurance man. he's very stubborn, but i'll get rid of him. i told you, we don't want any insurance. - i'm not selling insurance. -no, you're certainly not.
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- who's that? (doorbell rings) - i'm mr. strickland from the balboa boat sales company. - oh, come right in. - i've brought this contract to have you sign. - i know. ronnie! - yes, dad? - you might as well watch me sign for the boat. after the first payment, i'll have to make the rest anyway. - oh, thanks dad, that's swell of you. - you're letting ronnie get the boat? - that's right. - well, i made one mistake. i should have invited you to the meetings. (audience laughter) - [george] what are you made up for? - well, we're ready to go on ronnie's boat. - well good, it's in the showroom on first and avalon. - showroom? well, what are we dressed up like this for? - well, so that it won't be a total loss, on the way back we'll stop at a seafood restaurant. (audience laughter) - [ronnie] come on everybody, let's go see my new boat. - but i don't like seafood. - you look fine, admiral. (audience laughter)
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i just happened to think, i've got to stay and sign a contract for bbc. i'm expecting a mr. macdougal. - oh, he's waiting to see you. - waiting to see me? where? - in the closet. (audience laughter) - what's he doing in the closet? - oh, i don't know. i just went to get his hat, it was his idea. (audience laughter) - mr. macdougal, please, i'm sorry. - well, it's quite all right. - uh look, why don't you join us for dinner, and i'll sign the contract there? - oh, jolly good. you know, mr. burns, when i get back to london, they'll never believe this. - oh yes they will, they'll see it on television. - well not really. (audience laughter)
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- thank you very much. gracie, have you got any other relatives to talk about? - no, only the ones in my own family. - those are the ones i meant. - oh. well, um, did i ever tell you about my uncle, the famous construction engineer, boulder allen who was named after the hoover dam? - his name was boulder allen, he was named after the hoover dam? - yes, but in 1932, when they changed it to boulder dam, my uncle changed his name too. - but it was changed back to hoover. - no, no, no, it isn't. i got a letter from him the other day, and he still signs it boulder. - [george] signs it boulder. (audience laughter) well, what did boulder ever build? - oh, all kinds of things. - a lot of things, huh?
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in san francisco. oh, what a beautiful place. - nice big building, huh? - from the basement, there was a wonderful view. you could see clear across the bay. - from the basement. - yes. - across the bay. - yes, it was wonderful. - you did say basement. - yes, i did. - across the bay. - clear. - clear, yeah. (audience laughter) - when he built the place, uncle boulder happened to read the blue print upside down. - i see, so he built... - and so the basement was on the roof, and the roof was in the basement. - well, that was quite a mistake. - oh no, it saved the owner's life. - it saved his life, huh? - yes, you see, when he realized he had all his money invested in a building like that, he tried to jump off the roof and he didn't hurt himself at all. - boulder didn't know how to read blue prints? - he didn't have to. now for instance, before he built his first dam, he studied the beavers every day to see how they constructed theirs. and finally he was ready to build his own. - and did it work? - oh yes, the dam was a big success,
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gnawing on all that wood. (audience laughter) - oh, well that'll do it. affected me the same way, in fact. - oh, and another thing, you know how the beavers slap the mud down around the dams with their tails? well, he had to hire the beavers to do that for him. - boulder is not as clever as i thought he was. - oh, yes. yes, his biggest work was the transcontinental railroad. -the transcontinental railroad, yeah. - but when he started it, he realized he didn't have enough steel, so he built it with just one rail. - just one rail, yes. and it worked? - oh, fine, fine. the passengers who sat on the side of the train that had the rail had a very comfortable trip. - i got to compliment the boulder, he certainly knew his business. - oh, he knew what he was doing every minute. - i'll bet he idd. - if the trucks delivered steel, he built a bridge. and if they delivered concrete, he built a highway. - and what if they delivered a bathtub? - he built a house around it. - a house.
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on account of his head? - well, could be. he had a great head for engineering. - great head, yes. this boulder, he either lived 15 years too soon, or 15 years too long. - oh, thank you. - you're welcome. - and then he started building tunnels. he had a great system to get rid of the dirt without having to haul it away. - well how'd he do that? - well, you see, it was very simple. while some of the men were digging the tunnel, he had others dig a ditch along side it, and he put the dirt from the tunnel in that. - into the ditch? - well what did he do with the dirt that he took out of the ditch? - say goodnight, george. (audience laughter) -[voiceover] appearing on tonight's show - [gracie] well, these are the last two tins in the pantry, ronnie.
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do you think it can hold all this food? - oh, sure, it's a long way to tahiti. we'll be on the ocean for weeks. - oh, well you know how i worry. you better send me a postcard every day. - how mrs. burns? there's no mailboxes out there. - well, if you can carry all that food, you can certainly carry a mailbox too. - yeah, well, hang on, mother. we have it all figured out. we're going to follow the same course as the kon-tiki. - count tiki? - uh huh. (affirmative) was the countess with them too? - no, mother, you see, the kon-tiki was a raft. - oh. - now, try to follow this map. - you'd think a count could afford a boat instead of going on a raft. - anyway, mrs. burns, we're going to hug the coast all the way down until we get to peru. then we're going to catch the humboldt current, and drift across the pacific to tahiti. - yup, we'll be the first ones to ever make it in a 22-foot motor boat. - well, i don't understand what you're trying to do,
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- well you should be mrs. burns. after this little piece of navigation, we'll be in the same class with magellan and francis drake. - well, if they go to college with you why don't you take them on the trip? - we wouldn't have room for the mailbox. - well then i'd leave them home. - well, anyway, when we're in peru, we'll get you the material for a vicua coat. - oh, wonderful. i've always wanted one. i hear they're even softer than cashmere. - they come from a vicua . that's a south american animal kind of like a mountain goat. - well, when you catch one, make sure it has a 28-inch sleeve. - now comes the difficult part. see, i haven't told dad yet. i was trying to put it off 'til the last minute. - well, ronnie, i wouldn't if i were you. you know how your father feels about water. he took me rowing in west lake park once, and he wouldn't get into the boat until he took out extra life insurance.
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- well, just kiss me goodbye twice, and i'll see that he gets one. - that's hardly a way out, but i'm glad you thought of it. - well, here's some more food boys. - [ronnie] thank you, mrs. morton. - [ralph] thanks a lot. - this clears out my pantry. say, what kind of a trip are you boys planning? you've got enough food here to go all the way to tahiti. - [ralph & ronnie] that's where we're going. - i've never seen so much -- tahiti! - sure. - in a 22-foot cabin cruiser? - well, why not? the count and countess tiki did it on a raft. - gracie, you know about this and you're not worried? - what's there to worry about? they're taking along a mailbox. - where's george? - up in the den. - well, i'm sure he doesn't know about this - mrs. morton, please. - and i'm going to tell him. i am certainly going to tell him, and no one's going to stop me. - who's trying to stop you? go ahead. - what? - well, it was his idea.
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- george? - well, sure. look at this map. who do you think stopped off at the gas station and got it for them? - i don't understand this. - i'm watching this with you, quite an interesting little situation. - those boys go to tahiti. well, sometimes i think george is wackier than i am. - oh, that george burns. - mother, you handled that perfectly. - well, sure, you don't think i'm going to let a vicua with a 28-inch sleeve go running around loose in the mountains. - ronnie is going to tahiti in a 22-foot cabin cruiser. that trip is impossible even if he makes it. i'll admit that i told him at last a dozen times to see that his money goes a long way,
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to make a trip like that, you have to know navigation. this boy's had the boat out twice, and got lost twice. once on his way to catalina, and once on the freeway when he had his boat on the trailer and was taking it down to the harbor. i don't want ronnie to make this trip. he'd be gone for two or three months and i'd miss him. i'd be lost without him. he's my son and i love him. besides, i'd have to get another actor to take his place on the show, and him i'd have to pay. but all young boys have big dreams. look at columbus. when he was a young man, he dreamed of sailing to america. i'd have gone with him, but i was a kid at the time and my mother wouldn't let me stay out late. i never did any dreaming. when i was a kid, i didn't even dream that someday i'd be president of the united states. i knew it wouldn't work. women got their vote that year, and my mother had already promised the presidency to my older sister, goldie.
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certainly not from me. when i was his age, the only boat trip i ever took was with a girl through the tunnel of love. i was a bad sailor then. her boat came in 10 minutes ahead of mine. i still can't stand the sight of rough water. do you know that we have the only house in town with a curtain over the little window in the washing machine? the only adventurous thing that i did when i was a kid, i decided to run away from home. my mother found out about it and it took her three hours to talk me out of it which was an hour more than it took my father to talk me into it. (audience laughing) tahiti. well, young kids love to dream, and even people a little slightly older like myself. the other night i had a dream that i was marooned on an island with kim novak and marilyn monroe. sounds great doesn't it? it was nothing. in fact, it was awful.
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(audience laughing)
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- [joy & june] hello, mrs. burns.@ - [gracie] well, two of the jantzen sisters. - hi, girls. - hi, girls, we'll be right down. - [joy & june] hi, ronnie and ralph. - now, don't tell me, you're jean and you're joan. - no, i'm june. - and i'm joy. - well, i'll never get your names straight. oh, i wish you were boys. - why? - well, who could forget two boys named june and joy? (audience laughing) - how is your father girls? is he keeping busy with his plumbing shop? - yes, business is very good. he's been installing the plumbing in a new apartment house. - oh, wonderful. - tomorrow he starts connecting all the bathtubs. - oh, i hope the people who move in to that apartment house are good friends. - good friends. - but if they're not now, they will be.
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- hi, girls. - hi. - [joy & june] hi. just upstairs checking our navigation instruments. - ronnie, we heard that you have a new boat. - and that you're keeping it down at balboa. - yeah, that's right, it's a 22-foot cabin cruiser. - oh, we'll have loads of fun. we four sisters and several of the other girls that we model with are spending a couple weeks down at balboa. - oh, if we'd known that -- - well, i'm afraid you won't see ronnie and ralph at balboa. they're going to tahiti. they'll be on the boat for two or three months. - tahiti, on a little boat like that? - isn't it thrilling? we'll, i'll go in and get you girls some coffee. - but you might run into some man-eating sharks. - so what if they do? ronnie and ralph are not men yet so if they fall overboard, they'll be perfectly safe. - are there really sharks? - i guess so. - you think the sharks will know we're not 21 yet? - if they don't, they'll be eating us out of season. - oh, how i envy you boys. what a wonderful adventure just the two of you
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under the broiling sun, fighting the storms, beating off the sharks with your oars, standing watch 24 hours a day. - oh, yes, while we just go through the usual dull vacation. moonlight swimming, and dancing, and wienie roasts at the beach, and having to wear these silly little old bathing suits. - but what a time you'll have. why you fellas probably won't see a human being for three months. - oh, no, you'll be way out in the ocean, and the waves will be bouncing your little boat up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down, up and down. - but girls, girls, would you mind turning the ocean off? - ocean (mumbling) we'll see you girls in balboa. the way i feel now, we might even walk there. mother, i've been thinking it over.
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but i'd be away for a long time, and you'd get worried. i don't want you to make that sacrifice. i'm not going. - you'd do that for me? - any boy would for the mother he loves even if he did have his heart set on tahiti. - [gracie] well, any mother would do the same thing for the boy she loves. go to tahiti. (audience laughing) - no, no, no, no, mother. - forget about me. that's what mothers are born for. supposing columbus's mother, isabella, had stopped him, we wouldn't have been discovered. - no, no, no, mother, what i was trying -- - and suppose marco's mother hadn't let him discover polo. what would their old dance be doing today? - no, mother. - and don't forget mabel todd the greatest mother of them all. - forget? how could i forget? i mean when you mention mothers how could you leave her out? who is she? - who is mabel todd? - huh, who is mabel todd. if she hadn't let her son, mike, go around it in 80 days,
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(audience laughing) - in other words, you want me to pack my mailbox and go to tahiti, huh? - yes. and if those mothers could do it, so can i. and their sons didn't even bring them back a vicua coat. - the way ronnie handled that, maybe i better put him back in the trunk. he acted like he was new around here. guess the old pro will have to step in on the problem. or better yet, i'll just stay here and wait and let the young problem walk in on the old me.
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he should be ready to make his entranlot of times, being a teenager means living with labels. you know, like the ones other people give you. and the ones you give yourself. but what happens when you're labeled as someone you're t? "stop!" wearing a label you don't want... or find yourself labeling other people? it can be so frustrating... sad...lonely. if you're feeling overwhelmed by problems at school... "watch it!" at home, or anywhere else, you don't need labels. you need people who will listen. who can help you take control, help you heal, help you win. you need to call the girls and boys town national hotline. (tdd# 1-800-448-1433) 24/7, they're here with help and hope when you need it most.
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change your label. change your life. help is just a phone call away. guy: hey, sara. oh my gosh. he's so cute. how do y know him? c'mon donovan, do it like i taught ya. love the new tattoo, sara. let's go! dude. what? dude, that's sara. who's sara? the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about.
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theater two on your left. hey sara, what color underwear today? hey sara. so, when you gonna post something new? announcer: anything you post online, anyone can see. family, friends... see ya later, sara. even not-so-friendly people. - dad, i've got a -- - a problem? - yeah. - come in, i know, i've been expecting you. sit down. - well, dad, about this trip that ralph and i are taking to tahiti in my boat. - i didn't know you were going to tahiti.
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- well, frankly i didn't. i was going to, but i didn't. the reason i didn't was because -- - did you change your mind and you're not going? - when did i tell you that? - well, frankly you didn't, but you were going to. but as long as you got the boat loaded with food, why don't you go to balboa? - balboa? - yeah. - how did you happen to mention balboa? - well, this time of the year, everybody goes to balboa. - well, it may be a little early, april and may is pretty cool in balboa. - well, forget april and may. how about june and joy? - june, june and joy? how did you happen to mention them? - i saw them get out of the car as i was looking through the window. - well, they're cool anywhere. - yeah, they're the reason you don't want to go to tahiti. - yeah. - well, i've got the perfect solution. - oh? - tell your mother you don't want to go. - dad, you act like you're new around here. - ronnie, you don't have to go to tahiti. i know how to handle your mother. i'll get you out of it. - oh, thanks, dad. i think you're real swell.
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- pretty sharp exit. you know, if he keeps hitting me with lines like that, i'm liable to wind up in the trunk. - mm, this coffee is delicious. - well, thank you. - may i have another cup? - oh, sure. (audience laughing) - gracie, can i speak -- oh, hello, girls. - [girls] hello, mr. burns. - gracie, can i speak to you for a minute? - oh, sure. - ad day, i'm ounting cay on ou yay. - oh, isn't that wonderful. no wonder he wants to go to tahiti. he already speaks the language. - yeah, he speaks it like a ative nay. gracie, i've got some bad news for you. i found out about ronnie's trip to tahiti. - oh, that is bad news. you see, you weren't supposed to find out about that until i kissed you goodbye. - no, no, no, that's not the bad news. it's that he can't go. i want him to go, and you want him to go, but he can't. - why not?
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you've got to have a captain's license and those are coast guard regulations. - oh, all right, i'll send him down to get one. which coast do they have their office on? - to be a captain, you've got to be 21, and ronnie won't be that for two months. - well, he'll be out in the ocean longer than that. why don't they send it to him? he's carrying a mailbox with him. - no, gracie, it won't work. i'm sorry, but ronnie will just have to settle for balboa. - balboa. oh, what can you get there? seashells? who can wear those? - well, i solved ronnie's problem. i think. - look, what are we doing in a coast guard station anyway? why did you phone me to come over here? - because you're over 21. you are, aren't you? - by a few years, yes. - good, then you can help me get a captain's license and i'll give it to ronnie. - i knew it, i knew it. no, no, no, no, now gracie, i have to put my foot down.
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or your lawyer, or doctor, or indian chief, nothing. i'm harry von zell sitting in the corner trying not to get fired. - i'm sorry i kept you folks waiting, but i just received a report from our weather station, and i had to issue a small craft warning. they're expecting a heavy swell tonight. - oh, that's a good idea. if a fellow like that steps into a small craft, he's liable to overturn it. (audience laughing) - well, now what can i do for you? -oh, well, we're here to get a license. i'd like you to meet harry von zell. - how do you do? - how do you do? - he's an old norwegian sea captain. - now, i, i -- - aye, aye, sir, very nice. - you're an old norwegian sea captain? - why not? - ay bane used to bout best sea captain in all norwegian fishing fleet. - greatest captain in the world. - what happened to your old license? - it sank with the ship. - i thought it was a tradition of the sea
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- oh, ay, vent down vith the boat, and den i come back up again to get my decoration for seamanship. - yes, and you deserved it. - yah. - what kind of fishing did you do in norway? - do you eat sardines? - [officer] yes. - well, you can thank him for that. - oh, you fish for sardines? - yah. - how do you do it? - how? well, ay tie dee empty cans on da line, and den i drop it overboard - and that's all. - well, sure, the sardines do the rest. see, the first row swims in forwards, and then the top row backs in. - and den day pull up da cans. - well, so far, you've passed everything 100 percent. do you know anything about celestial navigation? - oh, sure, ay do. - can you read a sextant?
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- that's enough. it's been a lot of fun, and no license, and in a couple of weeks the coast guard is going to put on a show. if you two people just come over here, and do this same routine with me, i'm sure we'd be the hit of the evening. - no license? - i'm sorry, no license. - oh, all right, no license, no more sardines for you. - ay, bane coming. how did you like my accent? - it sounded like my brother. - was he norwegian? - no, he's a screwball. -oh, ronnie, i have terrible news. the coast guard wouldn't give you a license so you can't go to tahiti. - oh, that's okay, mother. i'd much rather go to balboa. - oh, good. - the only thing i'm sorry about is i can't bring you back a vicua coat. - well, i wouldn't know what to do with two of them. - two? - yeah, feel this. - oh, gracie, that's beautiful. - isn't it?
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i had to get something out of your trip. - you just stopped off and bought it? - yes. you see, i was lucky the store had caught a vicua with a 28-inch sleeve. - honey, they're very expensive. - yeah, i know, and when george finds out, he'll kill me. - i've got an idea. george, thinks you're the only one who wants ronnie to go because of this coat. so i'll go up, and work him into giving you the money for the coat, and ronnie can stay here. - but isn't that kind of a mean trick to play on george? - what do you think, ronnie? - [ronnie] what do you think, mother? (laughing)
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- oh, george. look, george, could i talk to you in private? - in a minute. - no, but it's important. - in a minute. that's a beautiful new coat you're wearing. isn't that vicua? (gracie stutters) - [george] i'm glad you got it. i've always wanted you to have one. -oh, thank you, dear. - thank you, sweetheart. you wanted to see me in private, huh? - yeah. - private, very private. now, blanche, before i ask you this question, don't get hysterical and run out. now, what was the thing you wanted to ask me in private? - uh -- - yes? (blanche crying loudly) (applause) hi, i'm leeza gibons with an amazing story about how philips lifeline gives betty white peace of mind and gave my father a second chance at life. daddy is invincible. that's how we want to think about our parents.
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- well, gracie, anything exciting happen in your family? - oh, the usual dull routine. my sister hazel has a cold, and last week my uncle harvey had a birthday, and cousin arthur is recovering from the skin diver's harpoon wound in his chest, and aunt clara discovered -- - hold it, hold it. stop right there. your cousin arthur is recovering from a harpoon wound to his chest. is he a skin diver? - oh, no, nothing as exciting as that. he's just a process server, and he got harpooned by a skin diver who had missed a few payments on some of his equipment. - and he was harpooned? - yes, well, you see the man was diving, and cousin arthur jumped in after him to serve him a summons. - summons, yes. - and arthur was wearing a sharkskin suit at the time so it was a natural mistake. - oh, sure, wearing a sharkskin suit, and he served him a summons.
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you see, the summons was to repossess the harpoon, and cousin arthur brought it back in him. - oh, in him. well, cousin arthur sounds like he leads a very adventurous life. - oh, not all the time. those long stretches in the hospital are pretty dull. - oh, well i never thought of that. - and once he wanted to serve a man who loved dogs a summons so he rented a costume, a dog's costume. - a dog's costume. - and he disguised himself as a st. bernard. - he looked like a st. bernard. - yes, and he stood outside the man's house, and he whined, and sure enough, the man let him into the house. - and he served the man the paper. - oh, george, how could you serve a summons to a man while he's patting you on the head? - yeah, i guess (mumbling) well, anyway, this time he didn't wind up in the hospital. - yes, he did. - oh, he did? - the man's dog got jealous, and bit arthur in the leg. - what's some of the other tricks he used? - well, once he put on a santa claus suit and slid down the chimney, and he said, "ho, ho, ho, merry christmas," and tried to hand a man a summons. - and the man wouldn't take it?
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because it was the middle of july. - but look, wasn't it kind of hot in that santa claus suit in the middle of july? - no, underneath he was wearing bermuda shorts. -well, this arthur is beginning to sound smarter every minute. - sure. and another time he had to serve a summons to a wife whose husband was very jealous because he knew she was running around with somebody else. - i see. so what? - so, to get into the house, cousin arthur disguised himself as a delivery man from the meat market. - meat market, yeah. - but he got beat up. - he got beat up. the wife beat him up. - no, no, the husband. - the husband. you see, my cousin arthur didn't know that she was running around with the deliveryman from the meat market. -from the meat market. gracie, there's one thing i'd like to know. what did arthur get for serving these papers? - two dollars each. - well, with his hospital bill, and then with his disguises, he must have lost money. - well, he did every week. - then why did he do it?
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he knew how to make a living.
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