tv Today NBC February 11, 2016 2:07am-3:00am PST
but it was worth it. bye, dad. - he's waiting outside the door. ronnie? - yes, dad? - here's 20. - thanks, dad. - i usually give your mother only 10 dollars for that trick, but daring to make an exit before you got the money, i thought was worth another 10. (laughing) - [george] thanks, dad? - [ronnie] thanks, dad, yeah. - that's a nice tie. i ought to know, i gave it to him last christmas. (laughing) in fact, it's so nice, he's getting it again this christmas. (laughing) - come in and sit down, brian and bonnie sue. ronnie'll be right down. oh ronnie? - isn't it exciting that brian's finally graduating after nine years? - yes ma'am. - well, your father must be proud of you. you know, some boys hate to study so much, they rush through college in four years. (laughing) - bonnie sue!
- well, ronnie, why are you throwing your arms around bonnie sue? brian is the one who's graduating. - oh yeah, i got mixed up. brian! - don't you dare. (laughing) - congratulations anyway. bonnie sue, you ready to go to lunch? - i certainly am. - brian, would you like to go with us? - well, no thank you, ronnie, i think i better stay here. i'd kinda like to talk to your mother. - oh, alright, come on bonnie sue. - [gracie] uh, ronnie? did your father like the tie, or are you going dutch? - well, let me put it this way. he liked the tie, but loved my exit. (laughing) - now what is it, brian? - well, i got a real bad problem. you see, i ain't gonna graduate at all. - you're not? - i thought i was. i studied hard for all the exams. i had me all the right answers, but they didn't ask me the questions to fit 'em. (laughing) - oh, this is terrible. - [brian] it sure is, especially since
there he is over at the hotel, he's phoning all his friends on the long distance, and he's bragging to each one for at least a half a hour. - there must be some way to solve this problem. - well, that's why i came to you, mrs. burns. you're the smartest woman i know. - don't worry about a thing. but you come back in about an hour. - thank you, mrs. burns. - you know, there's nothing i enjoy more than solving problems for my friends. - why, they must be very appreciative. - oh, they are. in fact, some of them think i do too much for them. - they do? - umm hmm, they get so embarrassed they hide when they see me coming. (laughing) - well, i'll be back in a hour. - [gracie] but we must keep this from my husband. he doesn't like me to get mixed up in other people's business. - well then, maybe i shouldn't ought to bother ya'. - oh no, no, no, what george doesn't know won't hurt him. you know, sometimes i don't hurt him five or six times a day. - well that's very thoughty of ya'. thanks a lot mrs. burns.
- there's a happy little twosome. he thinks gracie is smarter than he is. and if he takes her advice, she is. (laughing) and after nine years in college, poor brian isn't gonna graduate again, hmm? wouldn't you think that he'd buckle down and study, so that he could finish college and grow old gracefully? he'll be riding hot rods and going to proms and necking with co-eds until he's 85 or 90 years old. (laughing) come to think of it, if you're gonna grow old, that's a graceful way to do it. (laughing) that's even nice until you're 70. but i don't think brian should try to fool his father. although, all boys try. ronnie did when he was 16. he was supposed to be in bed by 11:00. he used to climb out the window, slide down the drainpipe, and go out on dates. then he'd come back, and climb up the pipe and go to bed. so i finally decided to put a stop to it. one night, i was standing at the bottom of the drainpipe waiting for him, and sure enough,
but he did some quick thinking. gave me a wink, and he says, "okay dad, you sneak in first, and i won't tell mother." (laughing) imagine, brian being in college for nine years. that's a year longer than i was in the sixth grade. (laughing) you know, during all those years in that class, i had the same teacher, and she liked me very much. in fact, when the promotion to the seventh grade finally came through, she cried because she couldn't take me along with her. (laughing) i cried, too. tears ran down my cheeks, and off my chin, and dropped into my breast pocket, which kept my cigars nice and moist. (laughing) but, i got over it. then i got a man teacher, which was wonderful, because by that time i was a man, and she certainly taught me a lot of things. (laughing) you know, that last joke was written by one of my writers who was offered the better job, and he's trying to break his contract. (laughing) i think i'll let him win.
- won't you come in? - thank you, professor clinton. - sit down. - thank you. um, i have a problem. oh, in case you don't remember me, i'm ronnie burns' mother. - of course. - of course, being ronnie's mother is not the problem i'm here for. - no. - see, i've always been his mother, at least i have ever since he's been my son. - of course. i think i understand. but ronald graduated, so you've nothing to fear. many times during the term, i worked with ronald as faculty adviser, which resulted in surprisingly good grades. - ronnie was your faculty adviser? you know, i thought it was the other way around, but i'm glad you got good grades. (laughing) - uh, perhaps i can restate it more clearly. more simply. - why not? while you're doing that, i'll tell you why i'm here. - please do. (laughing) well, you see, there's a friend of ronnie's
but now he finds out he isn't, and he's heartbroken. - well, i'm sorry, mrs. burns, but here at usc, all the boys must take examinations, and if a boy fails his examination, there's nothing we can do about it. - oh, well couldn't you give him a diploma if he promised to say he graduated from ucla? (laughing) - but that's practically unheard of. - not in san francisco. (laughing) - you aroused my curiosity. who is this boy? - oh, i can't tell you his name, you see, he's so ashamed, he doesn't even want his father to know who he is. - well, i'm sorry, mrs. burns, but i'm afraid there's nothing i can do about it. - oh, well if you're that hard-hearted, i guess there's only one thing to make you change your mind. - mrs. burns, you're not planning to offer me a bribe? - oh no, no, i thought it might soften your heart if i cried a little. (laughing) but your suggestion about a bribe is much better. now, how much did you have in mind? - how much did i have in mind?
- then it's hardly worth your while of being so dishonest. (laughter drowns out professor clinton's words) - as always, the more we talk, the more confused i get. let me say this much. even if i knew the name of this student, it would not alter the fact that he is not graduating. (hand slams on desk) - well, it's a mean way to treat a student like brian mcafee, who's been in this college for the last nine years, and his books are practically brand new. how about if you gave stamford credit for him? - i'm sorry, no. - oooh, if you weren't so tall. - if my retirement doesn't come soon, i-- brian mcafee? but he is going to graduate. he just barely made it, but he did!
so would you please tell the boy he is graduating? - i certainly will. and that's good news. amazing, but good. - yes. - i told my wife to stay out of this, and she always listens to me, so she went right over to see you. - [professor clinton] i don't like to get personal, mr. burns, but your wife must keep you constantly in hot water. - oh yes, hot water, and hot food, and a nice warm car, and a steam-heated swimming pool. (laughing) - and, uh, i had to marry a phd. - oh come now, we're over 21, you don't have to spell it, what does your wife do for a living? (laughing) - uh, right, mr. burns. - have a nice day. well, if gracie picked up the ball, she's still running with it. i better take a look. (laughing) maybe she's at blanche's. - here we are.
- well, that's a breaded viennese cutlet. i got it out of the cookbook. - you forgot to remove the cover. (laughing) - you and your constant complaints. what happened to the warm, kind, romantic man i married? - practically everything. (laughing) - let me tell you, you are the most-- - i feel like a cad, spying on their love life. (laughing) maybe gracie's with ronnie. (laughing) - george, have you got me on that silly television set of yours? - that's right, jack. - but, i'm not on tonight, i'm on sunday night. - i know, but my set is a day slow. - oh, well, as long as i'm here. my fee for a guest appearance is-- now cut that out!
i can't afford it. gracie must be at blanche's now. - but don't you understand, brian's father is here from texas, and if the poor boy doesn't graduate, it'll be awful. - but what can you do? - well, i know i've got a wonderful idea, but i can't think of it. (laughing) - well, maybe i can help you think of something. you know what they say, two heads are better than one. - in this particular case, i don't believe they are even the equivalent of one. (laughing) - well, why don't you help us? with four heads, we can't miss. (laughing) - blanche, dear, your sense of humor is like your figure. even when it reaches a point, it is never in the right place. (laughing) - why, you-- - oh, please, i know you two enjoy fighting, but couldn't you help me with brian, and then go back to it? - gracie, i have no sympathy for a poor student. at dear old dartmouth, i graduated with honors. in fact, i finished a six-year course in just four years.
play hooky for two years, and still graduate. - gracie, as a matter of record, i did not miss one day of college, with the exception of the day of my graduation. - you didn't graduate? - of course i did. however, due to an unfortunate accident, i was unable to attend. you see, the night before my graduation, i was practicing walking with my cap and gown. however, the gown happened to be a trifle too long, and i tripped over the hem and broke my leg. (blanche laughs heartily) i fail to see anything humorous in that. - you know, every time i see that cap and gown in the attic, i have to laugh. (blanche laughs) - but i did not miss my graduation. the dean was so impressed with my scholastic achievements, that he presented me with my diploma at a private graduation ceremony at my bedside, with just the immediate family in attendance. - oh, you were in bed with a broken leg, but the dean gave you your diploma in front of your family? - that is correct.
you know, i knew i had a wonderful idea, and i knew you'd think of it. (laughing) - well, it looks like we're gonna have another bedside graduation. i'll let the story keep rolling along, and when i think it's time to lock up the show, i'll walk in with professor clinton, and let him hand the boy the diploma. - [harry] there, that about does that. - oh, thanks, harry, you're a real friend. - oh, that's all right gracie. you know, when you phoned and told me to rent a hospital bed, i was afraid it was one of your tricks that would get me in trouble with george. but poor brian, here, gosh, how are you, fella? - i never felt better in my life. - great boy. oh, hey, i brought you this little bell, here, so if you need any help, (bell rings) ring. - alrighty. - and gracie, by golly, i owe you an apology. i really thought it was one of your fantastic schemes. - well, you certainly do, and it's not fantastic at all. it's going to work.
- yeah, what, wait, what? - well, everyone will think brian's leg is really broken. just like you did. (laughing) - brian, do you mean to say that-- - that's right, sir, it isn't really broke. (bell rings) - help. (laughing) - and get here as quickly as you can, mr. mcafee. goodbye. - gracie, listen, this is awful. get that boy out of there. if george ever walks in and sees him lying there with that fake cast on, and then finds out that i was the one who brought that bed over, it'll be the end of me. - well, i'll need a diploma, so i'll get harry morton. - gracie? - [gracie] and then i'll need a dean to present the diploma, so i'll get harry morton to put on his cap and gown. - look, now hear, what about me? - well, if it's too long for harry morton, it'll never fit you. - gracie, if george ever finds out-- - finds out what?
oh, how, george, where did you, i was talking to gracie, and i didn't, who said, i said to her, if i find george out, i said, then i won't stay, because if he's not in, there's no sense in my being in. - well, we're both in, but you're going out. are you mixed up in one of gracie's schemes again? - oh, george, no, now, i came over to see you. (bell rings) - there's somebody ringing a bell upstairs. - no, no, no, it's the phone, the phone. - well, answer it. - i will, i will. - answer the phone. - hello, burns residence. who? would you repeat that please. (bell rings) - uh, you better finish that call, there's another one waiting for you. (laughing) (bell rings) - it was the door. - [george] the door? answer the door. - i will, i'll answer it. - okay, you answer it, harry, i won't touch it. - oh brushes, no we don't want any. (bell rings) - [george] oh, he's persistent. - [harry] i'll get it. - [george] get rid of him. - [harry] look, i said we don't want any, and stop ringing that bell! (laughing) - [brian] i wanted a glass of water.
this is the happiest moment of my life. - now daddy, don't start bawling now, you won't have anything left for later, when you'll need it. (laughing) - may i present this diploma, and get out of here? - well, what's your hurry, professor? we have the bed for another hour. (laughing) - on with the ceremony. - this is more than i can bear. - this graduation ceremony is certainly affecting you, mr. mcafee. - well, i'm not crying because brian is graduating. - well, then why are you crying? - well, to think the boy finally can go out and go to work, and he's got a broken leg! that's more than i can bear. (laughing) - and now, the famous dean of usc will make the formal presentation of the diploma. go ahead, professor dean. (applause) - brian mcafee, it is-- - professor clinton has a very good surprise for brian.
i don't know how you ever did it, but you finally passed. and here's your diploma. congratulations. - [everyone] congratulations, congratulations. - [gracie] well, let's all go downstairs and have coffee and sandwiches. (laughing) - mr. mcafee? - mr. burns, what about my boy's broken leg? - mr. mcafee, on this show, the actors have to mend very fast. if not, i gotta pay them for an extra week. - what? (laughter drowns out george's words) (applause) - thank you, thank you. - thank you. - thank you very much. - oh gracie, what relative will it be tonight? - well, how about my cousin the lifeguard, chesty allen? - chesty allen, the lifeguard? - oh yes, everybody on the beach knows him. - oh? - you see, it's supposed to be good luck to be saved by him. - well, it's good luck to be saved by anybody. - oh, especially by chesty.
when he goes into the water. - what happens to his luck if he runs into a shark? - oh, it can't catch him. - you mean a shark won't catch a man who's carrying a rabbit's foot? - not if he carries it fast enough. - yeah, well, i asked a stupid question. - well, luckily, i'm the one who can answer them. - well, true. (laughing) - cousin chesty is a great believer in keeping himself in good condition. - oh, he doesn't drink or smoke? - no, well, the strongest thing he drinks is tea, - tea. and then he makes it with salt water. - salt water with his tea. - well, you see, he swallowed so much of the ocean, that regular water makes him sick. - yeah, well then he's in the right business. this kid really leads an exciting life. - yeah, last sunday he gave a diving exhibition, and he dove off a 50-foot steel pier head-first into two feet of water. - only two feet of water? - umm hmm, well, he just bought a new pair of trunks, and he didn't want to get 'em wet. - say goodnight. (applause)
- oh, mother, i won't be home for lunch, i've got a -- what are you doing? - oh, ronnie, sometimes i think you and i are the only sensible ones in the family. - well that leaves dad. - well, right! he and his ideas. you know, i was just up in his den, and he says he would like to have softer lights to read by. - what? - well, look, try them. i've been through a dozen of them, and they all feel the same to me. - well i'll try to find you one later, but i'm not gonna be home for lunch. - oh. another date, huh? - with the only girl in the world. - june! joy? cathy? uh, mildred? bonnie sue? gloria? - no. - well, you're right, whoever is left must be the only girl in the world.
- oh, french exchange, you know that sounds like an interesting thing subject to study. do you take it too? - oh, i'd love to. you see, it's a cultural exchange between countries. now, a college in paris sends marie to usc and we sent them one of our boys. so it all comes out even. - oh, you'll never fool the french people that way, they'll spot the difference between a boy and girl in no time. - yeah, i can see. but, boy, is marie a knockout. here's my first date with her. sure hope she likes hot dogs for lunch. i spent all my allowance. - ronnie, you can't take a girl to lunch and give her hot dogs. there's something so unromantic about holding hands with mustard on them. - then you'll give me -- - oh, no, i can't, i'm over my budget. - oh. i wonder if the french go dutch? - i know where we can get some money. george, can i see you a minute? - from dad?
who's silly enough to think lightbulbs are soft, why not take advantage of him? (audience laughs) - you've got a plan! - i've always got a plan. i'll tell him about the doctor and the -- oh no, i used that monday. well, i'll use the one about -- no, i used that tuesday. i've got it. i'll use the one i was saving for friday. - gracie, did you call me? - just a second. ronnie, you're making the same mistake the girls at the club made. they insisted george washington's picture was on the 20 dollar bill and i told them it wasn't. give me a 20 dollar bill and i'll show you. - oh, i haven't got one. - [gracie] oh. - well, here's a 20 dollar bill. and your mother is right. - well, you see ronnie, i am right. it's andrew jackson. - good, now that the argument's over i'll take the 20. - oh, no, no, i've got to show it to the girls at the club to prove how wrong they were. - when is the next meeting? - [gracie] in about two months. - thought so. - oh, hi everybody!
- at this meeting, you thought it was george washington too? - what? did gracie say so? - [george] yeah. - well then he was there. (audience laughs) - did your husband leave for phoenix this morning? - mmhm, for a week on business. - [george] fine. i'm going up to work, so you can give ronnie the 20 now. (audience laughs) - [gracie] george, if i try the same trick friday, will it work again? - no, for 20 dollars, i expect new material. (audience laughs) - thanks, mother, i'm gonna go get dressed. - well, gracie, i'm so happy. you know how my mother and harry never got along? well, when i found out that he was going out of town, i wired mom in seattle, and in an hour she'll be here to spend a whole week with me!
the last time i met her, we had such fun together. she's so peppy and young for her age. you know, it's hard to believe she's got such an old daughter. (audience laughs) - yes, she is, and i am. - blanche? blanche? (door closes) - oh, no. stupid forgot his hat. (audience laughs) his coat! hah! (audience laughs) hi. - blanche? - oh, sweetheart, i'm so glad you're here! you forgot your hat and coat, didn't you?
better still, i'll take you to the airport. - [harry] blanche, stop your ceaseless prattling. i am not catching the plane, the trip has been called off. - well, that's terrible. - regardless of your disappointment, the trip has been cancelled, and stupid did not forget his hat. - oh, well, i uh -- - that hot water and electric blanket, who are they for? (blanche stammering) - for me. - why blanche, my dear, are you turning to these artificial devices because old age has cooled your natural heating processes? - no. - or is it because you knew you would surely miss the glowing warmth of my presence? - yeah, that's it. well, when you go, the house seems so cold and empty without you. - hmm, well, nevertheless, now that i know how you feel about me, i shall remain right here where i am needed. - that's final? - absolutely. - [blanche] i have to take these things back to gracie. - but my dear, just the fact that you missed me has made me very happy.
this time i won't. (audience laughs) - who are you and andrew jackson taking to lunch? - marie bardot, she's an exchange student from france, and boy, is she gorgeous. - well you don't speak french, how will you make out with her? - oh, good i hope. - ronnie, i want to give you a little tip. you see, i've been to paris a few times, and if you happen to get marie into a romantic spot, put your arm around her and whisper -- (speaking french) - what does that mean? - how about a little kiss? (speaking french together) - oh, gee, thanks for the tip, dad. - oh, sure, as long as it cost me 20 dollars, i want you and andy jackson to have a little fun! (ronnie speaking french) - now, you won't get a kick out of
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shows that i'm smart enough to take care of my self. innovation and you. with philips lifeline medical alert service you get fast, easy access to help 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. call today or visit www.philipslifeline.com don't wait! i mean why don't take the chance call philips lifeline now! in that last scene, but i was setting up something. that french phrase i told ronnie doesn't mean, "how about a little kiss?" it means, "isn't it a nice day?" and later on, when ronnie tries it on marie, you'll see what happens. (audience laughs) you must admit, i'm a wonderful man. now, what other father would sacrifice his own laughs so his son could get them later in the show? (audience laughs) how did you like the way i spoke french? surprises a lot of people.
and to make an impression, i ordered the entire meal in french. it surprised them. and it surprised the waiter too, it was a chinese restaurant. (audience laughs) of course, there's a lot of ways to learn to speak french. friend of mine bought a set of records, and you put 'em on before you go to bed, and they play all night and these french phrases enter your subconscious. and in no time, he learned french. of course, he had one little problem when he got to paris. every time anyone spoke to him in french, he fell asleep! (audience laughs) i feel sorry for those people that learn french in school. what do they teach you there? i've got a red pencil box, you've got a red pencil box, he's got a red pencil box. then they go to paris while everybody's having fun, they're out buying red pencil boxes. (audience laughs) when gracie and i went to paris, the first time we were there, gracie went out shopping, the day we arrived, and she came back with an arm full of packages. i said, "how could you buy all this stuff "when you don't speak the language?"
"i spoke in english, but i must have pointed in french!" (audience laughs) she points in very expensive french. (audience laughs) while we were there, we rented a car and we drove all through europe, and we had a lot of trouble because we don't speak the language, and we couldn't read the road signs. all we could read were the numbers. so we always knew how far, but never where to, or where from. (audience laughs) oh, when ronnie tries that french phrase on that girl, if he gets a laugh, he takes after his mother, and if he doesnt, he'd better start smoking cigars. (audience laughs) - blanche, my lunch! - [blanche] i'll be right there! gracie, would you pick up my mother at the airport, she's getting in at 1:15. - [gracie] well, of course! - oh, gracie, you know, i'm so lucky to have a friend like you! you're the dearest, sweetest, most wonderful person in the whole world. - oh, blanche, what are friends for if not to get compliments like that?
- i'd better turn on my television set and see if that little trick i pulled on ronnie is working. he and that french girl must have had their lunch, and if i know ronnie, by now, he has found a romantic spot. i not only know ronnie, but i also know his spots. (audience laughs) - what are you trying to tell me ronnie? - well, i know we just met, but i feel like i've known you practically all my life. and well, i can say this better in french. - here it comes. (ronnie speaking french) - oh, honey! (audience laughs) - say, dad was right. (ronnie speaking french) - honest, it means, "isn't it a nice day." (audience laughs) it's turning out that way for ronnie. (audience laughs) (ronnie speaking french)
- well, yes, because of the question i asked. - that's right, most boys don't ask that question, they ask for a kiss. - holy smoke, what did i ask, what did i say? - you said, "isn't it a nice day?" - oh, i thought i was asking for a kiss. - so that's what americans think that means? - i guess so. - oh. (marie speaking french) - oui. (audience laughs) - i thought he'd get a laugh, i think his way is better. (audience laughs) - here we are mrs. baker, let me help you with your bags! - i don't need any help and don't call me mrs. baker. now, i'm not going to step foot in this house, until you call me natalie! - come in, natalie. - ah, yes. oh, my, this is a lovely place.
- now, of course you understand why you're staying here, natalie. - oh, sure i understand, blanche couldn't get egg head out of town. (phone rings) - hello? - get off the phone! i want to talk to my daughter! (audience laughs) - blanche! it's your mother. - oh, she must be calling from seattle. hello, mother! - hello, blanche baby! i'm at gracie's, come right over! - yes, mother, it's raining in seattle, huh? good for the roses, yes. harry? yes, i'll tell him right now. yeah, goodbye, mother! mother sends her love. - impossible, she doesn't know the meaning of that word.
- oh, i can't help it. why couldn't my daughter marry a man instead of what she got? - oh, you shouldn't say that about harry. he admires you, in fact, he thinks you're too good for him. - he does? - i've heard him say over and over again, "what have i ever done to deserve "a mother-in-law like that?" (audience laughs) - why, that good for nothing. he does too deserve me, and worse than me, he -- what was i saying? - mom! - baby! (audience laughs) - i'm so glad you're here, you look wonderful! - [natalie] so do you, baby! - now, sit down, i have something to tell you. - [gracie] sit here, natalie. - now, mom, the reason that you're staying here is because when harry and i heard you were coming,
the guest room, but the paint didn't dry and i know that you can't stand the smell of fresh paint, so that's why you're staying here. - and besides, egg head double crossed you and wouldn't leave town. (audience laughs) - well, i'm going over and talk to him. oh, gracie, remember, until i get this straightened out, george mustn't know my mother is staying here. - oh, don't worry, he won't even know it's your mother. (audience laughs) - [natalie] what is all this? - well, blanche would be embarrased if my husband knew that her husband wouldn't go to the friar's club, like my mother made him when she was here, and you can't blame her, so that's why you have to be somebody else. - oh, well i'm glad you added those last few words. those i understood, i got to be somebody else. - [gracie] right. - this sounds like fun! who will i be? - oh, it's more fun than you think,
- i see we have a guest, huh? - oh, yes, george, i'd like you to meet ronnie's friend marie bardot, the french exchange student that goes to sc. - so, you're from france, huh? - me? - me, that's french for yes. - i thought french for yes was, "oui?" - well, how could it be "we?" there's only one of her. (audience laughs) - my mistake, how long have you been in this country, marie? - she just got here. - oh, i'd expect an exchange student to be a little younger. - well, you don't understand the rate of exchange. you see it's three to one. we send three 20-year-old students to france, and we they sent us marie. - i think we still owe them a student. (audience laughs) why doesn't she speak for herself? - well she can't speak english. right, marie? - that's right, i don't speak a word of it, but i hope to learn while i'm here. - she will too, she's very smart.
i got involved. young volunteers have a winning spirit that we think is worth celebrating. middle and high school students: ask your school principal about applying for a prudential spirit of community award. volunteer! - oh, how do you do? - oh, hello. (laughs) george, where's marie? - you just said hello to her. these flowers are for you. - for me?! oh!! - george, where is marie? - you just gave her the flowers. - oh, i certainly didn't expect this! (giggles) oh, he's cute! - [george] he's single. - really? (giggles) well, thank you! - oh, you're welcome, ma'am. - [natalie] oh, don't call me ma'am. (giggles) call me natalie! (giggles) don't you go away.
- hold it, so it happens to be blanche's mother and we had a little fun and we spent a few dollars on roses. - no, no, i didn't. - [george] you didn't? - no, i got them out of the vase in your living room. (audience laughs) - [ronnie] oh, dad, i want you to come in and meet marie, the french student i told you about. - then there really is one! - [george] well, of course! - oh, well then i can use my french! (both speaking french) - ronnie. - [ronnie] oh, dad, i want you to meet marie. this is my father. - hello, marie. - how do you do, mr. burns? - and this is mr. von zell. - bonjour, monsieur. - bonjour, mademoiselle. (audience laughs) (marie speaking french) (harry speaking french) - pardon? (harry speaking french) - i know what you americans think that means, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself, you're much too old for that! - look, marie, how about you and i go out in the garden?
(audience laughs) - i am too old to say it's a nice day? - i think so. (audience laughs) - george, i may have a confession to make. did you just meet the girl with ronnie? - i certainly did. - oh, well, then i have a confession to make. - [gracie] natalie isn't the exchange student -- - she's blanche's mother? - [gracie] no, no, this is blanche's mother. - the other one is the exchange student. - these are such lovely flowers. (giggles) - and from the way things are going, von zell might turn out to be blanche's father! (audience laughs) - mom, harry has something to say to you. harry, i'm waiting. - mrs. baker, mother!
- i will, on one condition, that you stop calling me mother in front of this charming gentleman. call me natalie! (audience laughs) - i'll go get your room ready. - [natalie] can you come up and help me with my bags, egg head? - and i'll help! oh, george, make a reservation for dinner for two at romanoffs. - are we eating out? - no, for harry von zell and natalie. (audience laughs) - harry, be here at eight o'clock sharp. - what if i don't take her to dinner? - harry, i like you and i don't know what i'd do without you on the show, but i'll certainly find out. (audience laughs) - well, i have my pride and i won't be here at eight o'clock. - i wonder what don wilson is doing next season? - i'll be here at a quarter of eight. (audience laughs) - you're getting a raise. - can you pay for the dinner?
(applause) thank you very much. gracie, have you got another relative we can talk about tonight? - of course! - you never run short of relatives, do you? - no, just as fast as we can talk about them, my family can turn them out. - well, good, which one will we talk about? - well, let me see now, how about my cousin, oscar, the counselor at the boys' camp? - good, let's talk about him. - oh, he was wonderful. he was wonderful at teaching young people.
except for two things. - two things? - yeah, he couldn't read or write. - read or write. i can see why that would slow him down a little, so he became a camp counselor. - yes, and he has a wonderful set up. - good set up, huh. - you see, his boys' camp is on one side of the lake. - one side, yeah. - and then across the lake, there's a girls' camp. - a girls' camp, and that makes it a wonderful set up? - oh, sure, his boys learned to swim in no time! - yeah, i can understand that, that would do it. - yes, oh, what a counselor. - if anything is gonna do it, that would be it. did he ever teach the kids anything? - oh, sure, now for instance he taught them archery. - oh, archery. - yes, he showed them how to use a bow and arrow. - bow and arrow, yeah. - he'd put an apple on his head, and the first boy who shot him would get the apple as a prize. - shot him? you mean shot the apple off his head? - oh, no, what kind of a prize is an apple with a hole in it? (audience laughs) - why didn't i think of that? - well, if you had you'd be an allen and we'd be talking about your family. - true, true. - cousin oscar taught the boys
- safety rules? - yes, he put on a red hat and walked out into the woods to show them that hunters wouldn't shoot at him. - and then the hunters didn't hit him? - not in the hat, but the next time he wore red pants too. - was he ever hit between the hat and the belt? - no, no, he never went there. - well it's too bad, he really should have. - he also taught the boys -- - if he mentioned my name, that'd give him a very good table. - he also taught the boys what to do if they're lost in the woods. - like what? - well, now, the first thing they're supposed to do is climb a tree. - well, that makes sense. - yes, and then if they see more trees, they know they're lost in the woods. - they'd know that right away, then uncle oscar would come out and find them. - oh, no, no, he's their leader, they'd never get lost without him. (audience laughs) (applause) - [voiceover] appearing on tonight's show - a little vermouth.