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tv   Today  NBC  February 13, 2016 2:07am-3:00am PST

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- blanche, you h but this time you've gone too far. - stop pacing up and down, you look like a cocker spaniel picking in the dog show. (audience laughing) - why didn't you ask that rude bar villain up to my fishing cabin? i go up there to catch big mouth beast, not to live with them. - go over and ask. - [harry] blanche, i have work to do. - [blanche] i said, go over and ask george. - i will not, and that is final. - alright, then i'll go to the cabin with you. - what?! what? i thought you detested fishing. - well, i won't fish, but i was thinking it could be sort of like a second honeymoon for us, dear.
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and i can sit in your lap and we can cuddle by the fire. (audience laughing) - blanche, i surrender. i will go over and ask that other big mouth beast. (audience laughing) (joyful instrumental music) - george, although i am-- - [george] good morning, harry. - george, although i am the-- - [george] harry, is sort of rude to come into somebody's house without saying good morning. - [harry] good morning, george. - okay, start now, you see. - [harry] although i am the raddison type, i trust you realize the full measure and extent of my feelings towards you. - well, harry, blanche and gracie are such great pals, we ought to try to be friends anyway. (audience laughing) - george, will you never cease jesting? after all friendship is no laughing matter. - you're right, i was just pathetic. (audience laughing) - look, anyway. i am here for a purpose. - [george] so? - to extend an invitation to you. as you know i am a devotee of the piscatorial art. - [george] oh, i didn't know you painted. (audience laughing) - what?
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- maybe a second honeymoon would be better. (audience laughs) nevermind, i couldn't stand that cuddling by the fire. (audience laughing) george, old man, would you like to spend a weekend at my cabin fishing? - harry, would you like me to spend a weekend at your cabin fishing? - absolutely not. - you took the last sentence right out of my mouth. - then, how do we explicate our socialness insupportable clundery? - oh, that means you want me to go? (audience laughing) - [harry] oh, no, no. - [george] you don't want me to go. why don't you tell blanche that i've got a pain on my back? - good! well, i've taken care of my part of the bargain, i've invited you. oh, george, thank you, thank you very much. (joyful instrumental music) - i've got a little tiny suspicion that harry doesn't like me. but we have the same opinion of each other, except he uses ten dollar wines to tell me that he wouldn't give two cents for me and when i tell him the same thing i saved a fortune. (audience laughs) but he knows i don't have a pain on my back, it's...
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like when tony martin and his wife said "you're a escape to a party" and i thought i'd livened things up before dinner so i got up and sing a few songs and i was in the middle of "tiger girl" which is one of the numbers i made famous. (audience laughing) and them said game over, and said "george, why don't you finish this after the dinner, "the food is getting cold?" i know it was little white lie because the food wasn't even on the table but, you see, her husband tony martin seems tuned, she didn't want me to take the edge of him. (audience laughing) and i sing one tone higher. (audience laughs) and while we're reading the people at the table said, "are you really gonna finish 'tiger girl' after dinner?" and i said, "of course! and then i'm going to sing time to leave so they won't fall down, in the hub of a cherry, it causes jane a can, as an empic married man and then i'm gonna do a few of my own numbers." (audience laughing) then the people left in the middle of dinner. (audience laughs) i thought they were rude, alright, so maybe the food wasn't so good.
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you've got to know the difference between a little white lie and the great big "whoppa". you know, take me, if i didn't known that the thousands of letters i've been getting the little white lies, i wouldn't be doing this monologue. (audience laughing) (joyful instrumental music) - so ronnie is going to the calypso party, uh? sounds exciting. - oh, yeah, and calypso himself is gonna be there. - [george] calyp, calypso..? - [gracie] aha, he's all the rage now. he and the kids will have a wonderful time dancing the belafonte. (audience laughing) - ronnie is dancing the belafonte? i thought he was a singer. - well, he sang for me this afternoon but he's not as good as george. - well, he's made some wonderful records. - don't be silly! if ronnie made a record i'd certainly know about it. - gracie, belafonte... - well, alright, but you have to teach it to me. - oh, no, no. - gracie.
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- [blanche] oh, gracie is too bad about george's back. - what's the matter with george's back? - well, he had to refuse harry's invitation to go fishing. harry said george's back is in terrible condition, he could hardly move. - oh, i should have realized it when i heard him sing this morning. you know, i though he was in pain. (audience laughing) - well, didn't he mention it? - no, no, but that's george for you. he doesn't want to worry me. he never complains when he's sick. you know, it's hard to tell because he looks the same as when he's well. (audience laughs) - well, it's no wonder george is in that condition, he never gets any exercise. - you should be the last one to criticize him, my poor husband is sick, and you want a belafonte with me. - gracie, maybe you should call a doctor. - a doctor? why? friend of mine had a sprained back and he called this tony montenaro, fixed him up right away. during the season montenaro was the trainer for the rams. - but you know, it's hard enough to get george to a regular doctor,
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- no, gracie, the rams... that's a professional football team. - sure. and if he can help all those football players he certainly can help george. - oh, yeah, i'll call him get him over here right away. i know, gonna get george on that table and gives him a workout he'll feel much better. - well, i have to think about a way to get george on the table. i hope he doesn't sprain his back again while that man is working on him. - how could he? - well, george is very ticklish you know. and the minute he laughs, he'll jump off
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- [ronnie] gonna take off, mom. - [kathy guy: hey, sara. oh my gosh. he's so cute. how do you know him? c'mon donovan, do it like i taught ya. love the new tattoo, sara. let's go! dude. what? dude, that's sara. who's sara? the girl in the pink shirt. that's the girl i was telling you about. oh, that's sara. theater two on your left. hey sara, what color underwear today? hey sara. so, when you gonna post something new? announcer: anything you post online, anyone can see. family, friends... see ya later, sara.
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but you look like you've been closed and walked on from altona. (audience laughing) - [ralph] mr. burns, you're the bravest man i've ever seen. being able to stand there and make jokes, we had so much agony with your bad back. - oh, i got a bad back. oh, sure. - what courage! your body aching, wrapped with pain. - the next two lines, it told that badge and left that bail, i wanted my key. (audience laughing) - [ronnie] mother told us about your bad back.
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i won't go to the party. - [george] really? - [ronnie] but i can see you're alright 'cause you're standing up so straight. - [ralph] well, naturally he's standing up straight. it's too much a pain for him to bend over. - and if ronnie stays home you'll take kathy. - yeah. (audience laughs) - gotcha. well, look, let me see how bad my back is. come in, kathy. one, two, three, four. yeah, my back is killing me. you can go to the party, i'll stay with kathy. (audience laughing) - [ronnie] bye, dad. - [kathy] bye. - [ralph] but mr. burns, mr. burns, if your back-- - [george] have fun, have fun. (audience laughs) - [ralph] to me, mr burns-- - [george] out. (audience laughing) (joyful instrumental music) - this desk will do fine, mrs. burns. - [gracie] oh, thanks, mr. montenaro. - oh, hello. - oh, this is mr. von zell, he's the gentleman that was sent for you. - i can see why, but don't worry bud, if you workout some students they're gonna fly after you. - no, no, what? - [gracie] no, no. - and build up the chest, too. (audience laughs) - he doesn't need any building, he looks fine, he's got more chest below his belt than most men have above it. (audience laughing) - oh, thank you gracie, but look,
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- oh, no, it's my husband, his back is very soft. - oh, maybe threw out a muscle. - george wouldn't that, he hasn't got any to stare. (audience laughing) - well, i'll straight him out. i'll give him the treatment i give the guys on the rams. - oh yeah, gracie, he keeps those fellows in great condition all season. - oh, wonderful. - i don't have much trouble on loins, but i have to work pretty hard those backs and ends. - well, you won't have to work so hard today, with my husband it's just his back. (audience laughing) - this is fun, is like talking to the guys on the team. (audience laughs) - thank you. now i'm going to call my husband, but it won't be easy to get him on the desk, so let me handle it. george! (humming joyfully) my wife calls me, she wants me so i have to come down cowardly what she wants, i'll see, we'll see gracie and ronnie are my family (audience laughing) - oh, such a brave man.
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- oh, anybody could. (audience laughing) - what's, what's going on here? - well, nothing. this is mr. montenaro. - [george] oh, hello, mr. montenaro. - how are you doing? how are you doing - now, get on the table, he's gonna measure you for a suit. - on the table? i'm gonna be measured for a suit? - yes, he's your new tailor. right, mr. montenaro? - right. - why do i have to get on the table? - [gracie] well, he... cuts the cloths on the table and, so, if he measures there he saves time. right, mr. montenaro? (audience laughs) - right. - he looks to me like he's ready to take some weight off me. - [gracie] well, he is. - he is? - yes, you see, that's to save you money. - save me money? - aha, the smaller you are, the less material he'll have to use. - [george] the less material... yes. - [gracie] right, mr. montenaro? - right. (audience laughing) - [george] yeah, but why does he has a shirt on that says rams? why is that? - [gracie] right, mr. montenaro? - [montenaro] right. (audience laughing) - [george] that's right, you're both right, but why does it say rams? there must be a reason for it to say rams. - [gracie] alright, alright.
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- wool. - [gracie] aha, and where does the wool come from? - sheep. - and who marries sheep? - the rams, so... (audience laughing) - right, mr. montenaro? - right. - [george] so i must get on the table? - [gracie] yes, you get on the table. - [george] before i do it i'd like to ask you one thing, what's the lemonade doing there? if you answer that i'll get on the table. - oh, well, i've answered all the questions so far, and since this was your idea, harry you take it. - so, it was your idea. (audience laughing) - well, not exactly. the idea, about the wool, if it gets stiff, then he'll be able to soften it. right, mr. montenaro? - no. (audience laughs) - [von zell] no? - i like the way to live it on, it's much better. (audience laughs) - [gracie] well, thank you. now, george get on the desk. - while before i do you go over and get the mortons and bring them over here, i got something important to tell him. - oh, fine. - look, i know you're a trainer, there's nothing wrong with my back, so let's forget it, eh? - okay. - [george] good. - [von zell] oh, no, hold it a second, tony. look now, george, you're only saying that because you're afraid of a little workout on the table.
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- oh, i know, it's like when you got to the dentist, your teeth stop hurting. (audience laughing) - no, no, no, i told that, harry... - george, this is nothing to worry about. now, i asked this man to come here, he's not going to hurt you-- - [george] you get on top, you do it, you do it. - [von zell] you want me to show you? - [george] yeah, yeah, get on the table. - okay, buddy. - [von zell] of course, this is ive me a little workout. george, this is the greatest thing in the world for you. gently relaxes all the muscles. - and, tony, get him the same treatment you give the rams. (audience laughing) (bone cracking) (bone cracking) (audience laughing) i'm glad he's not measuring me for that suit. (audience laughing) (bone cracking) (bone cracking) (bone cracking) (audience laughing) the rams, must go to the exit. (audience laughing)
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- [tony] i bet you're feeling nice from this stuff, bud. (audience laughs) - [von zell] i don't think i have a bone in my body. (audience laughs) - [george] there it was, right down there. this is your idea, you know. (audience laughing) attaboy. - you wanted to see us-- - [george] harry, i've got some wonderful news. my back is all better and i'm going up to your cabin to spend the weekend fishing. - that's marvelous! and blanche wants to go there for a second honeymoon so i hope you to will be very happy. (audience laughs) (joyful instrumental music)
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thank you very much. gracie, anything new? - well, i just got a postcard from my aunt clara. of course i don't what she says because i haven't opened it yet. - you got to open a postcard? - well, you see, the postman in the town where she lives is very nosy, so when aunt clara writes me she always puts it in an envelope, yes. - [george] in an envelope? (audience laughs) there, well, no news, we've got nothing to talk about. - well, i can guess what the postcard says. - oh, good, good, we got a routine. (audience laughs) - sure. it must be an invitation to the annual family picnic. this is the time of year we always hold it. - oh, you and alan having an annual picnic every year. - yes. and i remember i used to always fix the sandwiches, i used to put the mustard on the outside of every slice, so the people who like mustard didn't have to open the sandwich to see what was there. (audience laughs) - the mustard was on the outside, but what was inside the sandwich? - nothing. - [george] nothing, nothing. - [gracie] if you like mustard that was enough. (audience laughing) if you don't like it then you wouldn't need it anyway. (audience laughing) - yeah, whether if that's true, the sight for no food sounds like you had a nice time.
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but we had to save that for the eating contest. - the eating contest? - [gracie] well, sure. - [george] really went for the whole work, uh? - [gracie] one year my uncle hubie broke the family record. he ate 62 fried burgers???, and four blueberry pies, and all watermelon, and he won the first prize. - what did he get? - [gracie] a five-pound box of candies. (audience laughing) - [george] a five-pound box of candies, that was a nice prize. - yes, but he gave it to me because he's on a diet. (audience laughing) - he seems generous, he was always generous. - oh, yes, that's why he had to watch it. (audience laughs) the only one who gave us-- - had to watch it? - [gracie] yes. - but he's generous. - [gracie] yes. the only one who ever spoil the family picnic was my cousin mildred. oh, she's such a big showup. - really? - [gracie] yes, yes, always acting like she's better than the rest of us. one year she came to the picnic in a mink coat. - in a mink coat to a picnic? - yeah, well, at least we thought it was mink until some baby rabbits came out of the woods and tried to nurse on the buttons. (audience laughing) - well, they had a better lunch than the people who didn't like mustard.
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- oh, you know that three-leg racing. - yeah, although we don't talk about that. - why not? - well, one year my sister hazel didn't have a partner, so he teamed up with the fellow who drove the picnic bus. - oh, and they tied both their inside legs together. - yeah, and they won the race, but we couldn't get them untied. - well, that was bad. - [gracie] oh, bad. on the way home every time he puts the foot on the brakes he nearly pull hazel's zip out. (audience laughing) - it must have been awful. - it was even worse. hazel's zip was on the other side of the aisle. (audience laughing) - well, we didn't she sit in the same seat by him. - because he was married, and she didn't want anyone to know she was with them. (audience applauding) (joyful instrumental music) - hello! anybody home! - you are and i am. (audience laughs) - gracie (laughs) -(laughs) - gee, after that wonderful birthday party
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you look fresh as a daisy. - oh why shouldn't i, i didn't get a year older, ronnie did. (audience laughs) oh, got to get him up. - no what i meant was you didn't miss a dance and you don't look a bit tired. - well how could i get tired? it's the men who do the leading. - that's true the one who does the leading gets tired. i ought to know i danced with my harry all last night and i'm bushed. i can't get over the fact that ronnie's 21 now. - yeah he's a man now and we'll have to treat him as one. - well as i was telling harry, ronnie seems like the same sweet little boy he always was, but harry disagrees. - oh? - yeah he feels he's more mature, that any day now, he'll be swept away by some pretty face and fly the coop. - oh yeah well i know how you feel dear but some day i expect ronnie to do the same thing. - what? - well i wouldn't worry if harry got tired of you he could also get tired of a pretty face too. (audience laughs) - no honey you didn't understand i meant ronnie. - oh blanche why would ronnie get tired of you?
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and he loves us just as all of us do. (audience laughs) - sure. i'm gonna quit while i'm ahead. - [gracie] hmm? (audience laughs) - nothing. speaking of old men, chasing pretty faces, how about that harry von zell and that young girl barbara he brought? - mhmm. - the way he cavorted around in that paper hat and tried to dance every dance with her, i thought he was the one who was just over 21! - yeah and don't forget how he explained it he said, "you're only young once." - yeah. what a shame it didn't happen to him when he was young enough to enjoy it. (audience laughs) - hi mrs. morton. - hello ronnie. - ronnie. today you're 21 and you're a man. you don't say hi to people you say, "how do you do" and shake hands. - oh! how do you do mrs. morton? - how do you do mr. burn. - now isn't that better? come have breakfast. (trumpet music) - after you mrs. morton. - oh thank you mr. burns. (audience laughs) - blanche, a cup of coffee?
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- alright. here you are. - thank you mother. - sugar? - oh yes please. - alright. - mother you know i only take two lumps. - that was when you were a boy. (audience laughs) - yeah you're a four lump man now. (audience laughs) - mother what are you staring at? - oh i'm just admiring the wonderful work i turned out. (audience laughs) you know i can remember when you were just a boy. i had faith in you. i knew you'd be a man someday. - well i had good start in that direction. - and your father wanted a girl. you know i'm glad i disappointed him instead of you. (audience laughs) - well certainly you can't please everybody. - good morning blanche. good morning george. - well how do you do mr. burns? - how do you do mr. burns? oh man now huh? - yeah! - takes four lumps of sugar. - boy what a man.
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only two lumps? i'm a man too you know. - oh yes but you've been one so long sometimes i forget. (audience laughs) - that was quite a sociable last night it broke up pretty late. - oh yes, everybody enjoyed themselves, but you topped the evening when you got up to sing. you know i could see people nudging each other and whispering, "well here it comes." and you certainly let them have it. (audience laughs) - i know it was a pretty good voice. - good voice? well they can talk about singers like sinatra, crosby, or como but when you sing you make them all ashamed of their profession. (audience laughs) - you're no peggy lee too you know. (audience laughs) i noticed you didn't wash my car this morning, what happened? - well i got up a little late but as soon as i'm through with breakfast i will. - george, aren't you ashamed of yourself? asking ronnie to wash your car? your son's a man now! well he can put four cakes of soap in the water. (audience laughs)
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a man washes his own car. or his father washes it for him, depending on which is older. (audience laughs) - the only reason i asked ronnie to wash the car is that he's using it over the weekend. by the way where you going? - don't tell him ronnie. - why not? - well from now on he doesn't have to tell us anything. he can go where he wants, do what he pleases, come home when he likes, and we have no right tosk him where he was or even count the mileage on his speedometer anymore. (audience laughs) - gracie won't you worry if you don't know where ronnie is? - of course i'll worry. but, that's life. time passes and the baby bird must leave it's nest. the butterfly it's cocoon, and the little sardine it's can. (audience laughs) all we mothers can do is stand by the shore and wave goodbye. - to the bird, the butterfly, or the sardine? (audience laughs) - oh george. now don't forget from now on, ronnie leads his own life.
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- now, where are you going for the weekend ronnie? - what? - oh look you're not talking to your father, where're you going? - well, ralph's folks invited us up to malibu for the weekend. i'm taking marie bourdeau, that french exchange student you met. - oh, malibu. how far is that? - well 25 miles. - you'll see that you phone me every day. (audience laughs) - oh mother. - now look let me see how you look, you're going to be out in company and i don't want you to embarrass me. - mother what about the four lumps of sugar you put in my coffee? - oh ronnie stop whining you're a man now.
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- i didn't have a fancy birthday party like @ in fact my cake was so small there was only room on it for one candle. (audience laughs) but my mother let me blow it out 21 times. (audience laughs) although we were poor my father was very sharp. every six months he would say happy birthday george and it worked out real good. when i was 10 and a half i thought i was 21 and i went to work. (audience laughs) that's why i look so old today, it worried me. (audience laughs) imagine how i felt when i was 32 and my voice was just starting to change. (audience laughs) anyway i finally found out i was nearly 16 and that's a tough age to be when you're a kid. if i wanted to see a burlesque show i had to convince the manager i was 18 so i could get in. to get there i had to get on a street car and then i had to convince the conductor i was 12
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my mother fixed a pair of pants that did the trick. i used to roll them up like knickers when i got on the street car and roll 'em down like long pants when i got to the theater. (audience laughs) it worked real nice until one saturday when i got confused. i rolled them down when i got on the street car and rolled them up when i got to the theater. turned out alright. i paid full fare on the street car and got in to see the burlesque show for half price. (audience laughs) ronnie is 21 it, feels kind of strange. i don't have to support that boy anymore. now i have to support a man. (audience laughs) (doorbell rings) - oh hello harry. - good morning gracie. - oh good morning blanche. - [blanche] good morning! - say that was a wonderful party last night. my date barbara said she had a wonderful time. is george around? - yeah he's outside washing his car. - oh. (both women laugh)
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barbara is 25. alright there's ten years difference in our ages. (both women laugh) - alright 15. (audience laughs) 20? (both women laugh) oh well now will you stop it? you're laughing me into my right age. (audience laughs) - oh we don't mean it. she's a lovely girl. (both women laugh) (audience laughs) - george! george! (hurried music) - out here harry! - oh good morning boss. - oh good morning harry. hey that was quite a party last night, wasn't it? - oh yeah i was just telling the the uh... (audience laughs) what are you doing? - washing the car. you left kind of early didn't you? - well barbara had to-- you're washing the car? - yeah after you left i got up and sang a few songs. i was singing in the heart of a-- - are you washing the car with a glass of water and a handkerchief?
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the car's too dusty just to use the handkerchief. anyway i was in the middle of the heart of a cher-- - i don't believe it. - what? - i don't believe it. - well run your hand over the car you'll see how dusty it is. (audience laughs) - well you're supposed to use a hose! - a hose? you would flood the glass, harry what's the matter with you. (audience laughs) - hey look you're making me nervous. would you move over and let me show you how it should be done. - where are the rags? - you're gonna use a rag and then hose to wash a car? - well of course. - look harry you know nothing about washing a car when you go about your business-- - do me a favor george. - what? - go away and come back when it's all finished. - ok but you're forcing me. (audience laughs) - oh what a silly man. (laughs) (doorbell rings) - hello marie. - mr. burns. i thought i'd stop by to see ronnie. - ronnie, marie bordeaux is here. - i was shopping for a new bathing suit for this weekend in malibu. - malibu, did you get a pretty suit? - oh yes. of course i have many others
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- oh those little french bikinis. - yes but i wouldn't wear them here. - i should say you wouldn't you wouldn't dare. - no they're much too modest for your beaches. (audience laughs) - i've been spending too much time in laguna. (audience laughs) - hey! - oh ronnie. oh ronnie, you shouldn't kiss me like that before your father. - well i'm too old to kiss my father. (audience laughs) - ronnie, you're 21 and that joke is 22. (audience laughs) - goodbye marie. - [marie] goodbye mr. burns. - bonjour. (audience laughs) - bonjour. - [marie] (laughs) - oh ronnie, i stopped by to talk to you. you know this is my last week in this country, my student visa has expired. and i must go back to france. - gee that's too bad. i wish you could stay here. look if there's anything i can do, just say the word. - well there is something you could do, but it would take two words. - well say them! - marry me. - oh marry you?
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- why not you're 21, there is nothing to stop you. - well no look it's too fast marie, we've only had three dates. - but when we are married we can have more. (audience laughs) - give me a few days to think it over. - but in six days i'll be on the boat. - well then give me a week to think it over. (audience laughs) - then the answer is no? - no. - wonderful then you'll marry me, no? - no. - oh ronnie! (audience laughs) - no, no no marie no-- - darling, i'll see you in malibu. - no! - goodbye! - no! - wondeful! - no! (audience laughs) - i've got to see dad. (hurried flute music) - dad? - oh! how do you do mr. burns? - please dad not now i've gotta have my allowance. i'm getting out of town. - i know i know you're going to malibu. - no no i'm going to san diego or mexico or
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- go to brazil let's find our marks and stand on them you're making me nervous. - now what's the trouble? - now that i'm 21 marie wants to marry me. - well say no. - i did say no but it meant yes. - well say yes. - i said and it meant yes. (audience laughs) - you're not doing well are you? - no. i guess there's no way to say no in french. - that's what i heard too. (audience laughs) there you are that ought to do it. - thanks dad. ten dollars? - phone me from pasadena. (audience laughs) - oh dad - goodbye mr. burns. (audience laughs) - oh mother am i glad you're here. - oh how do you do mr. burns? - please mrs. morton no more. - i just found out i don't want to be 21 anymore. - but what else can you be at your age. - look mother i just came over to tell you that i'm gonna pack and you won't hear from me for a few days. - yeah well i know you're going to malibu. - no i'm pointing the car in another direction. - oh you can go that way but if you want to get to malibu you'll have to drive backwards. (audience laughs) - ever since i became 21 all my troubles have started.
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or 19. or 18.
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- yes ladies i'm mr. syms, i' - gracie you will never get this mr. syms to change the age on ronnie's birth certificate. what kind of story are you gonna tell him? - well i don't know yet. - you don't know yet! - well of course not if i give him some silly prepared story he'll be able to tell by the expression on my face that i'm lying. (audience laughs) - right. - but if even i don't know what i'm gonna tell him how could he possibly know i'm lying? (audience laughs) - now ladies, what can i do for you? - well i'm mrs. burns and this is mrs. morton. - hi. - how do you do? - i want to talk to you about my son's age. that's your department isn't it? - yes certainly. as the porter on the pullman train says,
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i always like to start business off with a little joke. - well go ahead why don't you. (audience laughs) - that was the joke. - oh, it was? blanche what was funny about go ahead why don't you? (audience laughs) - i meant, i'm in charge of the births. - oh well if you want to skip the joke and get right down to business it's alright with me. (audience laughs) - yes. what can i do for you? - well this is my son's birth certificate, and i want you to change his age from 21 to 20. - change it? - mhm. - is there anything wrong? - oh there certainly is. see if he was 20 he wouldn't have to drive backwards to malibu. (audience laughs) - if uh, i ask her to repeat that, it wouldn't help would it? no i guess not. (audience laughs) i'm afraid we can't change a birth certificate
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and this seems perfectly in order, the boy is 21. - oh well there was an error made, by the doctor who filled it out. - what kind of error? - well um... he registered ronnie on daylight savings time and the poor boy has been getting an hour a day for the last 20 years. (audience laughs) - you won't help me will you? (audience laughs) - i'm afraid it won't do. in order to make a change in a birth certificate we'll have to have an affidavit from the doctor in attendance or the nurse. - oh, well that's why i brought along nurse martin. - you're nurse martin? (audience laughs) - yes i am i forgot for a minute because i didn't have my uniform on. (audience laughs) - you were the nurse attendance at the birth of ronnie burns? - oh yes yes i helped the doctor he held up the baby and i slapped him.. - well you see he didn't get out of the way fast enough, she meant to slap the baby. (audience laughs) - nurse martin, are you prepared to state that the
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- state, yes, swear, no. - if i change it, will you ladies promise not to come back and i'll have this nice quiet office all to myself? - until next year when ronnie is 21 again. - well suppose we make it 14. that'll give me seven years and when you come back i'll be retired. - oh wonderful! (audience laughs) oh come on blanche. you see i told you if i didn't know what i was saying it would work. (audience laughs) - well today ronnie is a man, i wish i was so i could finish mowing this lawn. (audience laughs) - george! - here comes the beverly hills trout. (audience laughs) - say george. - yeah? - listen, i want you to-- what are you doing? - cutting the grass, what do you think i'm doing?
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- i did, to sharpen the scissors on. - no, no no get up let me show you. - alright. - here, now. - oh no, no no no. not twice in the same day. - i knew i couldn't fool you again. what is it that you want harry? - look you can help me with barbara. - alright. - i can get another date with her if you'll invite her to dinner tonight. - sure. - now wait, oh here where's her-- yeah phone number. - i'll go right in and phone her. - that's it. - as soon as i get through cutting the grass. - oh george wait a minute that won't work. barbara's a very popular girl, if we stall around somebody else will date her. - well i've got this short it'll only take a few hours harry. - go call her, i'm hooked again. (audience laughs) (doorbell rings) - hello mr. burns. - oh marie you're back again!
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- yes. - i tell you i heard from roger that he isn't coming to malibu. and it must because of a little joke i played telling him that i wanted to get married. - oh? ronnie! oh you were only kidding, huh? - oh of course yes. - ronnie. - i'll be right with you marie. - look dad i've got to get out of town 'til her boat leaves. (audience laughs) - ronnie, marie was only having a little fun she was just making a joke. she doesn't want to get married. - oh really? - of course not i was just teasing you. - oh, what a relief. i knew it all the time. - of course. - [marie] laughs. so we are friends again? - sure. - now would you like to kiss me, no? - no. (audience laughs) - oh thanks blanche i'll see you later! - oh hello marie. - hello mrs. burns. - oh ronnie i got some wonderful news for you. - oh wait 'til you hear my news. marie and i have a gang going to malibu this weekend. everything's been straightened out! - oh, well then i'll have to go along as a chaperone. - chaperone? - chaperone? - well look, you're only 14 look at your birth certificate.
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c'mon children we'll have a wonderful time oh won't we george? - bye! - george, finished mowing the lawn. did you call barbara? - oh i'll do it right now. - oh sure. - do a good job out there harry? - oh you bet, it's hot too out there. - hello barbara, yeah. this is george burns, and harry von zell would like to have dinner with you. how 'bout both of you being my guest? sure he's only 36. of course it's possible. ronnie was 21 yesterday and he's 14 today. (audience laughs) barbara. barbara? barbara. harry, how 'bout two old friends having dinner at the friar's club. - how 'bout it. - and as long as you mowed the lawn and washed the car, it's only fair that you pay for the dinner. (audience laughs)
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- thank you, thank you very much. well gracie, who'll we talk about tonight? - well um, how about my cousin jeeves the butler. - oh i didn't know you had a butler in the family. - oh we haven't, he works for other people. - oh i mean does he like doing that kind of work? - well yes but sometimes people are so unreasonable like, the man who hired him and said, "in this house "we all have breakfast in bed." - and jeeves resented that? - well no but the next morning when he was having his breakfast the man came in and pulled him out of bed and fired him. (audience laughs) - well then that man was unreasonable. - well he wasn't the only one. you see there was this wealthy couple who told him that everybody who came in the house had to be announced. - and that got jeeves in trouble?
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the man tried to slip into the house and jeeves heard him, so he got up and announced, "the master is sneaking in." (audience laughs) - so he was thrown out of the house? - oh yes he certainly was, and so was cousin jeeves. (audience laughs) - oh i remember jeeves, he lacked personality but then again he had no brains so that made up for it. (audience laughs) where did he go from there? - well his next job was with a mr. wilbur. he was a peculiar man. - who wilbur? - yeah he was too. - no i mean what was peculiar about him? - well he found fault with jeeves when he played the minute waltz during breakfast. - during breakfast he played the minute waltz huh? - yeah three times! - three times. - yeah so he'd know when mr. wilbur's eggs were boiled enough. - boiled enough. and why didn't mr. wilbur like that? - well because jeeves played it on the trombone. - played the minute on the trombone? - yes and by time the eggs were done the wind from the trombone cooled the coffee. (audience laughs) - yeah well he should have played it on the harp, then he'd have hard boiled eggs and he could slice them at the same time. (audience laughs)
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- oh about that size, but let's go ahead. oh you say a butler has problems? - oh yes and especially the time his boss was murdered. - jeeves' boss? - yes and he confessed to it. - he murdered his boss, huh? - oh no no he didn't have anything to do with it, but he loves the movies and when anybody is murdered it's always the butler who does it, so jeeves said he did it because he wanted the crime to look believable. - what about the police? - well when they came to the door he wouldn't let them in. - he wouldn't? - oh no, he just looked them in the eye and said, "gentlemen "the master is dead and he doesn't want to be disturbed." (audience laughs) - goodnight.
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-hello. -oh, hello rochester. say, there was too much mail to put in the box, so i thought i'd bring it in. -thank you. -here are the letters, here are mr. benny's magazines. lonely hearts, woman's home companion, muscle and body development, and the wall street journal. -oh, that's for me. -oh, yes it is for you, rochester. tell me, do you own stock? -i've got two shares of mr. benny, he incorporated himself. i bought at 39 and it's been there for ten years. -i see. well, i gotta be running along. -is this all the mail there is for mr. benny? -no, i'm still carrying that letter around with the postage due on it. but i guess there's no use going through that again.


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