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tv   Today  NBC  February 16, 2016 2:07am-3:00am PST

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- come on in, tina.@ you look wonderful! tina! - yeah, you look fine. - ms. burns, ma'am, i'll never get away with this. what do you think, ms. martin? - you look fine! - you won't have any trouble. all you've gotta do is remember the three words in italian that mario the hairdresser taught you. hello, goodbye, and thank you. now, how do you say "thank you" in italian? - gratzi, ma'am. - ah, you can fool anybody. - what's she gonna do in between those three words? - yeah, what? well... what every famous italian actress does! come with me.
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what do they do? - eat grapes! - eat grapes? - well of course. you see, when somebody asks you a question, you put a grape in your mouth and then they don't expect an answer because it's very impolite to talk with your mouth full. - gratzi, ma'am. - oh, terrific! you know, she may not even need those two other words. - she looks fine. - oh, blanche, this was your idea. and when she becomes a great star, everybody will congratulate you. now, let me hear you say "hello" in italian. - bonjourno, ma'am. - oh, good. now turn around and say it to george. - bonjourno, ma -- i mean, sir. - congratulations, blanche. - no, no, no, i was -- - that was a fine idea, really, fine. i haven't had the pleasure of meeting this lovely young lady. - well, how could you?
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she's the famous italian star, tina cacciatori. - tina cacciatori? what pictures did you make in italy? - well, you see, she can't answer. it's not polite to talk with your mouth full. - tina cacciatori, it's familiar. is she related to the raviolis? - well, her father is a cacciatori, but she's a ravioli on -- - on her mother's side? all you gotta do is sprinkle a little greta cheese on her and she'd be a hit in every italian restaurant in town. - right. oh, well we have a lot to do, tina. say goodbye to mr. burns. - arrivederci, sir. - arrivederci, ma'am. how'd you like that disguise? even on that show "the masquerade party", she'd have to sit with the audience. and when she starts to talk, that texas accent
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just about the same way some of those italian movie stars come through their clothes. but i can see gracie's reason for this. there's a big demand for foreign stars who can't speak one word of english. in fact, if they can read their contract, they can't get the job. now, this sounds like a joke, but it's really true. a producer came back from europe and told the head man of the studio that the most exciting thing he saw in italy was vasubbias. and the head man said "sign her "before sam golden grabs her." well, come to think of it, it's not true. but, then again, it's not much of a joke, either. take this new star sophia lauren. the produ -- do you notice that every time you see a picture of her, she's always wearing wet clothes? they must do nothing but pour water on her. i heard the other day she went out with dry clothes on and she caught cold. anyway, when she first came to this country,
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you see, when she's on the screen, there isn't room for anybody else. they found a solution. they put her in the same picture with frank sinatra. but i can see why the americans are crazy about those cute little italian actresses. they interviewed one the other day and they asked her what she liked best about america. and she said that "i love your baseball games because "they make me feel like i want a man's arms around me." and the newspaper men said "that doesn't make any sense." she says "it does to me, because everything "makes me feel like i want a man's arms around me." you know, this country has become so far under it's hard to realize that it was first discovered by that great american christopher columbus? - harry, for the seventh time, i'm sorry i wasn't here to fix your lunch. but i was with gracie. - it is inexcusable. while you two were busy gossiping, i had to assuage my hunger with cold meatballs out of the can.
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- of course, it tasted better than anything you ever cooked, but that is beside the point. - (mumbles) insult. you don't love me and you never did. - that is not true, blanche. i did. (dishes breaking) - what? - i love you, blanche, i love you. it is just that i cannot tolerate your neglect of your wifely duties. you are becoming a willing tool for the preposterous schemes hatched by gracie's microscopic brain. - maybe some of gracie's schemes are preposterous. and maybe this one is, i don't know. but she only does it because she's trying to be nice to people and that's exactly why i helped her change bonnie sue mcafee into the italian actress tina cacciatori. - tina catch-a-what? oh, this association with gracie has gone too far! blanche, i am afraid that now you, too, are a point off center. - of all the fish in the matrimonial sea, i had to hook a boston cod.
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i'll be up in george's den informing him of this current folly. - oh, you're going to be a tattletale again, huh? - yes. since our marriage, it is the only pleasure i have left in life. - now, walk around the grass a little. i want you to get used to going barefoot. - gladly. - oh, you look fine. but your feet don't look italian enough. - my feet? - oh, i know. i'll order a barrel of grapes and have you stamp on them. and then they'll look like you come from the wine country. - oh, gracie. - yes? - is george upstairs? - oh, yes... harry, i want you to meet the famous new italian actress, tina cacciatori. - bonjourno, sir. - well, it's nice of you to laugh at her, but you're giving her the wrong kind of confidence. you see, she's a dramatic actress.
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- well do me a favor. laugh at him, he hasn't heard many since akron. - come in, harry. - george, i have something i feel you should know. - well have a stool, pigeon. i mean, take a chair. - george, this time your wife and mine have outdone themselves in the concoction of fantastic schemes. do you know who that girl is down there? - of course. that's that famous italian star, tina cacciatori. - george, that is bonnie sue mcafee. - harry, you better lay off that blackberry cordial in the daytime. - george, really. i thought surely you would penetrate this transparent disguise. - harry, not only is that girl pure italian, but on her mother's side, she's a ravioli. - good day! - harry, aren't you going to laugh at me?
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- howdy, ms. burns! - mr. mcafee, come on in. my goodness, what are you doing here? - well, i got lonesome from my daughter, so i flew in from houston to see her and they told me at her place that i'd find her here. - well, she is. bonnie sue, your father's here. - [bonnie sue] daddy! i'll be right down. - i can hardly wait till i take her in my arms and kiss that sweet little old texas face. - well, be careful of her sweet little old texas feet, she hadn't any shoes on! - no shoes? - oh, daddy. - bonnie sue, what are you doing in that outfit? and, tell me daughter, what are you limping for? - well, the grapes haven't arrived yet, so mrs. burns had me practicing on some walnuts. - some what? - we may as well tell him. you see, mr. mcafee, this is an italian costume to get her in the movies.
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still hankering to go on the stage. well i'm going to put a stop to that. - you don't approve? - i do not. it's back to texas for her. - oh, but you misunderstood, mr. mcafee. when i said it was a costume to get her in the movies, i didn't mean she was going to act in one, i meant she was going to see one. - to see one? - well, yeah. that's the fad in hollywood now. you see, you dress according to the kind of movie you're going to see. and tonight, she's going to see an italian movie. - i don't believe it, not even about hollywood. - well, it's true. we had to stop going to a hawaiian movies because george was allergic to grass. - mrs. burns, that's a nice story. but you're looking at a man who can tell a few tall ones himself. (doorbell rings) - oh, well then you better tell one to bonnie sue while i see who's at the door.
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- harry. - gracie, is george in? - yes, he's up in the den. - i've got to make him do that western television show. i've learned to do some fancy shooting. - oh? - i go see him. - yeah. - oh, hello. - [mr. mcafee] hello. - [bonnie sue] how are you? - fine. - mrs. burns, i owe you an apology. you're right about hollywood. mr. vonzell, i guess you're going to see a roy rogers picture tonight? - who, me? - and bring along your swimming trunks because the second feature is esther williams. - george! george! boss, wait till you see what i've got. - we're not doing the western.
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george, i've been practicing fancy shooting. you see those cans? gonna shoot them right off the wall. - we're not doing the western. - you haven't seen my draw. watch this. fast. - it's liable to go off in your holster and it'll blow your brains out. - that's not nice. and don't worry about me, i'll... - oh, you got it out, huh? - sure, i got it out. wait till you see some shooting. - do you shoot backwards looking through a mirror? - uh-huh. - you're going to shoot backwards looking through the mirror? - sure, been up all night reading a book on how to do this. (glass shatters) - you knocked out one of harry martin's windows. give me the gun before you kill somebody. - george, it was an accident. my eyes are weak from reading. - i told you once, i told you a million times. we're not doing the western. - george, i should have known it was you!
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- look, harry -- - did you see... he thought it was you who shot out his window! you have to admit, that's kind of funny. well say something. - i will. out! - out? oh, as long as you have my gun, you might as well -- - out! - we heard some shots, what happened? - oh, it's nothing. vonzell tried to knock some of those cans off the wall and knocked out one of harry martin's windows. - well that doesn't look like a hard shot.
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- oh, that looks like fun. let me try. - look, look, gracie, i wouldn't -- (glass shatters) - yeah, woo, i did, it hit something! - i don't want it! - assure you, mr. robert, this girl's gonna be absolutely great. she must be with my mother somewhere. mother! - well, as i told you ronnie, the part is not particularly difficult. but there's one thing i insist on: realism. now i want an authentic texas accent. - yes, ronnie? - oh, mother, this is mr. roberts, the movie director. i brought him over to meet bonnie sue. bonnie sue? - oh, she's upstairs, i'll call her. bonnie sue, ronnie's here! but in the meantime, i want you to meet the new italian actress, tina cacciatori. - italian?
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- how do you do, ms. cacciatori? - bonjourno, sir. - you're a very pretty girl. - gratzi, sir. - oh, when you're leaving, be sure and say goodbye. she also knows arrivederci. - as a matter fact, i speak a little bit of italian. (speaks italian) - i don't think i can answer that, sir. i wish i had a mouthful of grapes. - oh, so do i! - ms. cacciatori, as it happens, there's a part in my picture that calls for a texas girl. i just have the feeling that you might be able to play it. - i know i can! - oh, hello art! - [mr. roberts] hello, george! - mr. burns, i got it! - well good, good. - daddy, i got a part in the motion pictures. - oh no you don't. no daughter of mine is going to be in motion pictures. you're coming home with me. - aw, that's too bad. well, i'll just have to find another girl to play davy crockett's wife. - davy crockett's wife?
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like i said, no daughter of mine would dare to turn it down. - oh, thank you, daddy. - mr. roberts, are there any love scenes in this picture? - well, of course. - well then bonnie sue and i have a little rehearsing to do. - well, who's going to take me back to the studio? - why, i'd be happy to! goodbye. - goodbye. - now, sir, do you know that davy crockett's father was a man about my size? now i've never made it into motion pictures, but with good direction... and they tell me you're a fine director. and even if you're not, i'm willing to take the gamble. - well, gracie, you got bonnie sue a job. - well, i knew i could do it. that's because i understand hollywood. right now, italians are in demand and the minute he thought she was one, he hired her. - yeah, you did it again. and i'm sure you'll be able to think of something for next week. - you know you can count on me!
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- yes. george and gracie will be right back and do one of their (mumbling) routines. - [voiceover] and now, carnation's contended couple, george and gracie! - thank you, thank you, thank you very much. well, gracie, any news from home? - well, my cousin's in the hospital with a broken leg. - which one? - oh, i don't know. whether it's the right or the left, he didn't say. - i mean, which cousin? - oh, the bus driver, rush allen. - rush allen, the bus driver, and he got into an accident? - well it wasn't his fault. - oh? - you see, he was driving the bus and he couldn't see where he was going. - why not?
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of them that he pasted them all over the windshield. - what does he drive? a transcontinental bus or a local one? - well that depends on how much gas he has. - i guess i asked a simple question. - that's all right, dear. we've been married so many years, i'm used to it. - oh yeah, well thank you. is he a good driver? - oh, there's no driving problem my cousin couldn't solve. like the time his bus was going from san francisco to sacramento. well, he was halfway there when he hit such a big bump in the road that it knocked his rear vision mirror off. - well, what did he do? - well, he knew it was dangerous to drive when he couldn't see the cars behind him, so he turned around, went back to san francisco. - well, what good did that do? - well, now the cars that were behind him were in front of him. - well, i guess when you're a bus driver, all kinds of things happen. - [gracie] they certainly do. like, once he signaled for a left turn -- - a left turn, yeah. - and he accidentally stuck his
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and the cop bit him. - i bet. - yes. - i'll bet that taught him a lesson. - oh, rush is no fool. now when he puts his hand out to make a left turn, he always holds his sandwich in it. - a man that smart wouldn't make the same mistake twice. - well, people like to ride in his bus. - they do, huh? - yeah, cause he always goes out of his way to take the most scenic route. - like what? - well, now, he was the only person ever to drive a bus down to the bottom of the grand canyon. - gracie, that's impossible. - well, it was easy for him. the hard part was getting it back up again. - how did he do that? - well, each of the passengers carried a piece of it. - each passenger carried a piece of it? - yes, but rush carried up the steering wheel. you see, he wouldn't trust anybody else to drive -- gracie, say goodnight. - [voiceover] appearing on tonight's show
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ms. meredith appeared through the courtesy of universal international pictures. ralph dunphy as mr. mcafee, and booth coleman as art roberts. accessories and perfume by arpege. (applause) brought to you by general mills, home of betty crocker and these perfect betty crocker mixes. the mix is guaranteed by betty crocker
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- ronnie, why did you have to ring, did you forget your key? - oh yes mother, i'm sorry to bother you. i want you to meet pamela crawford.
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- shame on you ronnie, meeting her isn't any bother. i've been dying to meet you, pamela. - thank you, i've been quite anxious to meet you too. - well, thank you. - no mother, i didn't mean that meeting pamela was a bother, i meant about having to let us in. - oh, well that was no bother either, as long as i had to go to the door to see who was ringing it, i might as well let somebody in. won't you come inside. (laughter) - well anyway mother, this is the english girl i was telling you about. - ronnie while pamela and i get acquainted, why don't you bring in some coffee. it's already out in the kitchen. - oh, good idea! - i hope you don't mind my wearing a tennis outfit. - [gracie] on the contrary, i insist on it. - [pamela] what? - i don't know what your customs are in england, but please, our windows are open. - [pamela] oh, you're wonderful. - [gracie] well, thank you. i promised not to mention this but ronnie said loads of nice things about you. - [pamela] really? - yes, but i know this, you're even more beautiful and charming than he said.
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- so ronnie has also been talking about me? - [pamela] yes. - well, if he's gonna say such flattering things about both of us, neither of us will be able to believe him. - oh, here's your coffee. - oh ronnie, why didn't you bring a tray? - i couldn't get it on my chin. (laughter) - oh, girls, i wish he'd save his flattery for you. you know i'm almost old enough to be his mother. (laughter) - yeah, that's right. - oh i didn't know you had company, or i wouldn't be wearing this robe. - well, please keep it on. i didn't know he had english blood in him. (laughter) - (unclear) i had it thrown in by the bbc. - dad, this is pamela crawford. pamela, suppose i show you the rest of the house? - [george] hello pamela. - [gracie] oh no, no, no, i'll do it. then we can get better acquainted. now pamela, this is the entrance hallway see, and this is our stairway, that either goes up or down. but from here, it's better to go up.
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- some times i wish mother weren't so hard to understand. - ronnie isn't this a nice house we're living in? - yeah. - we're both driving nice cars. - well sure. - well let's try-- - to keep it that way? - stop beating me to my lines. - well, what do you think of pamela? - oh, shes's pretty, pretty girl. - well you know dad, you won't believe this but this is the only girl in the world for me. - why shouldn't i believe it? you told me the same thing about her seven days ago. - seven days ago? no, that was cathy. - cathy, well that means you told me about her 10 days ago. - no, no, that was bonnie sue. - oh, oh well how long have you known this only girl in the world? - [ronnie] four days. - [george] four days, huh? - ralph and i were out playing tennis and she was over on the other court and by accident, i hit my ball over in her court. [ronnie] and-- - [george] how many courts away was she? - [ronnie] three. - [george] well that was quite an accident. (laughter) anyway? - oh, anyway. - anyway, yeah. - we started to talk. - every thing starts with anyway, yeah? - and we found out that we had a lot in common. so we started playing tennis. - that was four days ago? - mm-hmm. - what happened to ralph? - ralph? - the fella you went out with in the blue suit four days ago?
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- but this girl is the real thing though? - oh yes dad, yeah, and you know, she comes from the most wonderful family. and you won't believe this but her mother is the most charming-- - is this bonnie sue you're talking about? - no, pamela, yeah. - [george] oh pamela, pamela. - her mother is the most charming woman you're ever met. - and this is ronnie's room and here are the souvenirs of all his hobbies, baseball, and fishing and skiing, golf, archery, you know there isn't a day that he doesn't come home with a new hobby and those are his three sisters. (laughter) - sisters? ronnie never mentioned having sisters. - oh yes, this is my daughter cathy, and bonnie sue and well i can't remember her name because she didn't sign the picture. (laughter) (unclear) i'd like to meet them, are they here at home? - oh no, no, they don't even live here. - they don't? - no, they're away.
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- oh, where are they? - [gracie] well i don't know. you see, this one is supposed to write me and let me know where they are, but if she's too lazy to sign her name to a picture then she's certainly too lazy to write a letter home. (laughter) - i understand perfectly. - oh good. then you remember because if i have to explain it later, i'll need your help, come on. (laughter) - so pamela comes from a very distinguished family! well, i'm glad you finally found the right girl. - oh, i am too dad, you know all this looking around is really tiring me out. (laughter) - oh ronnie, you have a lovely home. i saw all the souvenirs in your bedroom and the pictures of your three sisters. - my three sisters? mother i don't understand. - oh, well pamela understands perfectly. she'll explain it to you. (laughter) - those girls in the silver frames, cathy, bonnie sue and? - edna. - oh yes, that's the name of my lazy daughter. (laughter) - ronnie, don't look so surprised.
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(laughter) - well pamela, i'll drive you home. - good-bye. [gracie and george] good-bye. - now, let me explain about-- - ronnie, there is nothing to explain. i know you've had other girlfriends. any boy that can hit a tennis ball three courts away must have. (laughter) - oh, that ronnie is lucky to have a mother like me. you know, there isn't a day that i don't get that boy out of trouble? - oh yes, you do a nice job. (laughter) - aw, thank you dear. - you're welcome. ronnie was telling me the that they invited pamela's mother over to tea and she's gonna be here at three o'clock. and he wants us to make a very good impression. - oh, i'm sure we will. - now, gracie, i'm gonna tell you something but you got to promise that you're not gonna run right over and tell it to blanche. - well, i promise, i won't. - well, pamela's mother has a title, she's lady crawford. (laughter) gracie, you promised! - i just want to get a glass of water! - isn't it funny how a piece of news
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(laughter) so, ronnie's got another girl! you know that saying, "in the spring, a young man's fancy turns to love"? well, this kid is a four season man. it's autumn and the leaves change colors, and so does ronnie, he goes from blondes, to brunettes, to redheads. (laughter) but i'm glad that pamela saw the photos of those three gorgeous girls that ronnie is running around with. now it gives her an idea of the kind of american cooking she's got to compete with. (laughter) i better warn ronnie about saving souvenirs of the past. someday, he might get married and a husband can't hang on to things he had before he was married, especially old girlfriends. (laughter) and take that little black book with the phone numbers, that you got to burn immediately. of course the way ronnie is building his up, it should be able to heat his apartment for the first five years. now, keeping a diary isn't as dangerous. of course any young man, who has time enough to
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isn't really living one. (laughter) now, take old love letters, they can cause a lot of trouble for a married man. although, not as much as new love letters. i always thought it was women who saved mementos. i heard about a girl in france who wouldn't kiss anybody unless he was a french general and she had a very good reason. you see, from force of habit if a french general kissed you, he would pin a medal on you. and this gal would come home with 20 or 30 medals on her every night. (laughter) and finally, one of the french generals wanted to marry her but she couldn't, because she was already married to the fellow who was selling the medals to the french army and they were making a fortune! (laughter) you know, come to think of it, when i was a young fella, i had a little black book. of course, they didn't have any phones then, but i had some wonderful smoke signals written down. (laughter) let's see, there was pocahontas and minnehaha and ...
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very popular and her smoke signal was always busy. (laughter) - gracie, everybody that meets you loves you. i don't see why you're so nervous and excited. i'm sure you'll make a good impression on lady crawford. - [harry] perhaps, but what about george? - well, i must have made a good impression on george or he never would have married me. (laughter) - what i mean is, this cultured noble woman will surely want to speak of art and literature. and george contributes nothing to any intelligent conversation but cigar smoke. (laughter) - you mean, that she won't like him? - gracie, don't pay any attention to harry. george is a perfect gentleman. why when i walk into the room, he always ... no, he has yet to do that. (laughter) but, when he drives you home in his car, and when you get there, he gets out first, he walks around and-- keeps right on walking into the house and leaves you sitting there. (laughter)
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so that's the place to keep him: under lock and key while lady crawford's there. (laughter) - but, it's important to ronnie to make a good impression. - i'm afraid it won't be easy. a person like lady crawford is used to different surroundings. now, she probably lives in a huge manor house with portraits of her ancestors, maids, butlers-- - oh, oh, well if her ancestors are maids and butlers, i might as well let george out of the den. - no, no gracie, i am speaking of fine paintings. - oh! - look, i've got an idea. lady crawford's coming over at three, huh? now harry, you know all about art and literature. why don't you go over there and for once, you can get somebody to listen to you. (laughter) - say no more, i shall be there to lend an intellectual sparkle to the conversation. - oh, thank you, harry! - incidentally gracie, will the tea be formal? - oh no, orange pekoe like i always use.
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- no, no gracie, i meant, should i dress for the occasion? - oh, i should say, you're an american, leave that other stuff for the english. (laughter) - somebody locked me in! you must know something that i don't. i think i'll turn on my television set and catch up with you. (knocking) - [harry v.] george, are you in there? - yeah, but i can't get out! - well, the key is on the outside! - well, unlock it and come in. - now, wait a minute george, i know what you're gonna say. but look, i got a whole new angle. (harry stutters) - harry, for the last three weeks i told you, we're not doing the western. - you didn't hear what i said. - yes, i did. - i said we got a new angle on the whole-- - i heard you. - and you're gonna go for this george. - no, no, no i'm not. - come in chief. (laughter) - terrific, huh? george? - please, i'm not still looking.
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- the name is crazy moose. - i know, but what's his name? (laughter) - now, cut it out, listen! the chief and i did a complete rewrite on the script, and it's really exciting, right chief? - ug. (laughter) - he helped you write the script? - and it's great, you know the scene where i'm leading the wagon train? - yeah. - we have this big battle with the indians? - yeah. - well, finally i'm the only pale face left alive and crazy moose is the only indian. all of his arrows are gone and all of my bullets are gone. - now if you two will go, we'll have a happy ending. (laughter) - george please, listen to this, i catch him at the top of a cliff. we start fighting hand to hand. it's his tomahawk against my trusty bowie knife. - harry, harry, will ya' ... put that away before you cut yourself! - oh, i can't, this is a rubber knife, george. - oh, i see, a rubber knife against a rubber tomahawk, that, that ... (thuds) (laughter) a real tomahawk?
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- i couldn't talk him out of that george. he's strong for realism. (laughter) - harry, you're gonna get yourself murdered. but even that won't make me do the western. - you'll do it when you see this fight on the cliff, george. - i'd love to watch it but my cliff is gone, the mortons borrowed it. (laughter) - oh look george, please, let us do the fight for you in the garden. - fine, in the garden. - will ya? come on chief. - moose, come on. - [harry] oh boy george, when you see this fight, you'll know i'm right (unclear) george. george? george, what happened to you? - [george] i'm locked in again and this time from the inside.
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- oh, i'm all finished misses burns. - oh, thank you mister clark. - it's a little unusual though for a private home to rent these paintings from us. ordinarily, we just rent these to the movie studios. - well you see, lady crawford is coming to tea and her house in england has portraits of her ancestors hanging on the wall so, i thought i'd like to have some too. (laughter) - ancestors? - yes! - oh misses burns, she'll never believe that story. - well why not? she never met my relatives. (laughter) - well, you have a point. (doorbell rings) - oh, that must be lady crawford now, would you mind going out through the garden? - oh, of course not and thank you misses burns. now when my wife asks me if anything interesting happened today, at last i'll have something to tell her.
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- misses burns? - [gracie] yes. - i'm pamela crawford's mother. - [gracie] oh i know who you are, lady crawford, come in. you know, i didn't know whether to bow to you and then ask you in, or whether i should ask you in and then do the bowing inside. - misses burns, you are not expected to bow at all. but, it's a delightful compliment. - may i help you off with your things? - no thank you, i think i'll keep them on. - oh, what a relief! (laughter) you (unclear) our customs very quickly! - oh yes, you have a charming home. - oh, thank you! (laughter) - uh, i like your paintings. - well, thank you but i didn't paint them myself. - well no, of course not. (laughter) - (mumbles) these are just some that i had done of my ancestors. - your ancestors! (laughter)
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isn't that the mona lisa? - oh no, that's my grandmother, mona lisa's the girl nat king cole sings about. (laughter) - i guess i haven't been here long enough, or perhaps i have! (laughter) - and this is my grandfather when he was a little boy. - he looks very familiar. - oh, he was. and he even got worse when he grew up. (laughter) - i envy your collection of family portraits. - well, i hear they are nothing compared to the ones hanging in your magnificent estate. oh, won't you have some tea? - thank you, good heavens, i wonder what pamela's has been telling these people? isn't mister burns going to have some tea with us? - oh, not unless he can pick that lock. (laughter) - what?! - i mean, he's temporarily detained. - oh, that's too bad, now that i've met you i'm really anxious to see him. - you are? - oh, quite!
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- here i am, three o'clock! - [gracie] oh, come in, i want you to meet lady crawford. - why, it would be a pleasure. - lady crawford, may i present my husband george? - i'm delighted to meet you mister burns. - (whispers) george? - yes dear, george. oh, we don't have to be formal with lady crawford. you may call me gracie. (laughter) - no, i'm not-- - have some tea dear. - lady crawford we- - [lady crawford] your wife has been telling me all about your paintings. - paintings? (laughter) oh! - now that my husband is here, the conversation will really sparkle. no one knows more about art and culture than he does. - that's true. (laughter) - i'm most interested in those paintings. - well, they are splendid examples of various schools of painting although granted, they are only reproductions. - well, someday i would like to see
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(laughter) - what?! - yes, she ran into grandpa somewhere because she knows how familiar he is. (laughter) - i better finish my tea. (laughter) - he's nervous. (laughter) well, that's a nice normal little situation downstairs. you know if pay television ever comes in, it'll cost me a fortune to keep up with gracie? (laughter) the burns look very happily married. i think i'll go over and pick up my wife, blanche morton and join them. - and as far as poetry is concerned, my favorite quotation is from the pen of the immortal john keats, "a thing of beauty is a joy forever, "it's loveliness increases, "it will never pass into nothingness." but i needn't go on, i'm sure you know keats' works. - keats works? i thought he was laid off! - what?! (laughter) - we're the next door neighbors, mister and misses morton. - oh, hello blanche, hello harry. - hello, gracie. - [gracie] this is lady crawford.
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but, i'm afraid we won't have anything in common. you see, we're vaudeville entertainers. - [lady crawford] vaudeville? - yes, let's show the lady the dance we used to do. - what dance? - you know. (scats) let's do it. - i can't do that. - let's do it. - i can't do that. - well, of course you can, you taught it to me. - oh sure, look, one, two. - oh you see, she's a wonderful dancer. (laughter) - this time i need a little tea. (laughter) - hello everybody, hello mother. - hello mother, hi dad. - i'm not your father, that's your father. (laughter) - harry morton here. - oh, hi dad. - would somebody please clear this up? - well, i'm mister burns and this is misses burns and this here is mister and misses harry morton. - what was the reason for this deception? - well you see, culture is not in my racket
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they thought that you wouldn't enjoy talking to anybody who didn't know anything about art and literature. - what an odd misconception. of course, we have some strange ideas about america too, there are people in my country who think that the united states is still overrun by the indians. (laughter) - well, i'm glad it's cleared up. - yes, well so am i. (doorbell rings) - come in, the door is open. - george, you have to see this! - harry, if i told you once, i told you 50 times. - come on chief! (laughter) i'll head him off at the top of the cliff and carve him to bits with my bowie knife. (crazed laughter) (laughter)
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- what is this? - orange pekoe tea. you've been drinking it for a half hour. (laughter) - well, it's been a delightful afternoon, come pamela. - i'll drive you home. - i'd never thought i'd say this, but i'm glad we lost the colonies. (laughter) - and i'm glad this is over, come blanche! - [blanche] but-- - [gracie] oh wait blanche! i want to teach you that dance in case she comes back. - von zell? crazy moose, will you throw von zell down?
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(laughter) we're not gonna do the western. (laughter) (applause) - yes, george and gracie will be right back
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- [voiceover] and now for general mills, home of betty crocker, george and gracie. (applause) - thank you very much. oh gracie, who should we talk about? - well, how about my cousin noah, the zookeeper? - noah? i'd knew you'd have one in your family. - oh sure, my cousin always loved animals. ever since he was a baby, all he would play with was animals. - animals? - in fact, he was very disappointed when he grew up and found out he wasn't one. - so he became a zookeeper. - yes. - well, that's the next best thing. - yes. - he does a wonderful job. - mm. - they're still talking about some of the theories he had for feeding them. - like what? - well, for instance, he was the first zookeeper who ever fed the snakes spaghetti so they wouldn't lose their shape. (laughter) - that was good, sound thinking. - yeah, oh well he knows almost everything about animals. - he does, huh? - in fact,
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his system for telling the difference between camels with two humps and camels with only one hump. - well, what is the difference? - well he counts the humps. - he counts the humps. (laughter) on his fingers, no doubt. - no, on their backs. - on their backs. - well then i'm wrong, i'm wrong, i've made mistakes before. - and he has a great system for telling the difference between a male bear and a female bear. - i knew he'd have a system for that. - well yes, you see gets in the cages and dances with them. - and dances with the bears. - yes and if he has to dance backwards, he knows it's a male. - it's a male. yeah, i would (unclear) for you. well your cousin noah is brilliant but sort of in an idiotic way. - well, if he could answer any questions about animals. - well, i knew that he could. - a lot of people want to know if it's true giraffes have no vocal cords. - well, i've often wondered about that myself. - well, it's true. - it is true? - yes, yes but noah points out that it's lucky they haven't got vocal cords. - oh, he points that out? - yes, you see with their mouths way up that high you couldn't hear them if they did say anything.
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- now, i can stop wondering about it. - well, now once, my cousin noah had a funny experience with a very smart chimpanzee. - oh? - while he was cleaning the cage. - cleaning the cage, yes! - and the chimp stole his keys and he got out and locked my cousin in. - he locked noah in? well, he must have felt pretty silly. - yes, especially because it was a week before they realized he was in and the chimp was out. (laughter) - a full week? - yes, but it worked out fine. while he was in the cage, the chimp did his work so much better that when my cousin came out, they gave him a raise. (unclear) he deserved anything. - oh, he did huh? - yes, look what he did for the tigers! - more than he did for the camel and the for the bears? - oh sure, well sure, when he found out that they were man-eaters, that's what he gave them for their sunday dinner. - [george] gave them that for sunday? now wait a minute gracie, that, i don't believe.
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he built the men out of hamburger. you know the way you make a snowman? - and did the tigers like that as well as eating the real man? - oh, much better, - oh? - how many men are all hamburger and no bones? (laughter) (applause) - [voiceover] appearing on tonight's show were - [crowd cheering] - what a life. - throw me another pineapple, huh? - this is the best luau we've had yet, chief. - remind me to send my draft board a thank you note. - could y'all get a little closer together?
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- ah, come on. sending this home to mother, ya know. - if binghamton finds out we sneaked out to a luau, she'll see our pictures at the post office. - hey, chuck, snap it up. we've got to be getting back. - ok, skip. ok, now, everybody watch the birdy and say cheese. oh, and nobody blink. this flash powder's pretty potent stuff. - hey, skip, there's a zero coming in at 3:00. - it's hit-and-run harry. come on, take cover. let's go, come on. let's go. - [screaming] - i guess i used tomuch powder. - hey, chuck, run for it. - what?

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