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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  February 18, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST

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i got good news. i fixed the garbage disposal in 207. you want to call the l.a. times or shall i? you know what was wrong with the garbage disposal? they never use it. they eat out all the time. so, some people like to enjoy themselves. it's not against the rules-- except around this apartment. nothing works well if you don't use it enough. that's so true. of course, it would take a miracle to get some things to work right around here. a miracle! what are you doing? i'm praying. another one of your little digs, huh, helen? ( chuckles ) oh, stanley remember when we used to go dancing? come on. come on. not now, helen.
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stanley, here you pretend you're the man. just for a couple of minutes then i got to do the toilet in 306. ( humming ) aah, aah, ow, ow! wha-wha-what's the matter? my back just went out. oh! see, stanley... oh... when you don't use something enough... ow! ooh! ( doorbell chimes ) well, do something! hi, mrs. roper. you got a hammer? hey, that's a good idea. i don't know what it is. whenever my father's around i feel just like i did when i was a little girl. how's that? like i'm just getting ready to show him my report card. chrissy, come on, honey. you're not a little girl. you're a grown-up woman. don't feel that way. yeah, you're right. i won't.
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i'd say about a c-plus. ( doorbell chimes ) that's jack. he's always locking himself out. ( chuckling ) chrissy! daddy! oh, daddy, you weren't supposed to be here until this afternoon. well, i caught an earlier plane so we could spend a little more time together. oh, how nice. isn't that nice, janet? you remember janet? why, yes, of course. how nice to see you again, janet. thank you. hi. and i seem to remember another girl, um... eleanor. great girl. yeah, great. she doesn't live with us anymore. no. no more. oh, that's too bad. she was a very nice girl. how do you... how do you manage with the rent? uh...
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yeah, we do. good. yes, we just manage right along. it sure is a beautiful day. i hope it doesn't rain this weekend. that always keeps the sinners at home. ( nervous laughter ) all right, chrissy where's the picture? fooling around. i get it. sorry. wrong pew. no, no, don't go. don't go. stay, stay my boy. well, chrissy, aren't you going to introduce me to your friend? what? oh, yeah. oh, uh... daddy, this is jack tripper. very pleased to meet you, jack. reverend snow... oop! i'm sorry. i'm just doing a little work. there is no need to apologize. if it hadn't been for a carpenter i wouldn't have a job. ( forced laugh ) too bad mother couldn't come with you to visit.
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you know, chrissy everybody back home talks about you all the time. they really miss you. oh, i miss them, too. i really do. what did you mean that i'll be seeing mother soon enough? well, i'd like to take you back home with me. "home"? i figure you've had your little fling and with your mother missing you so much... oh, daddy... oh, i really like it here. all right, chrissy, i'm a fair man. just give me some time to see for myself just how... good it is all right? ( chuckles ) so, jack... yes, sir? oh. i got the hammer. i have it. uh, do you live nearby? "nearby"? uh.... yeah. you could call it that. it's not far. it's fairly close. daddy, would you like some coffee? no. thank you. how close, jack?
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i'm going to help him. ( shrieks ) tell me, chrissy does jack always act so strangely? like what? jack: ow! like that. jack burned his hand. oh, where's the burn ointment? i think it's still in my bedroom. i'll get it. your bedroom? well... it-it's a bedroom in the sense that there's a room with a bed in it. just like the kitchen's a room with a kitchen in it. but, uh... see, uh... when you say... how-how long have you been living here, jack? you mean, like... is that a rheto...? well, uh, see... all right, well, okay... ever since we got married. married?! honey.
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but of course i should have guessed. anyone can tell just by looking at you. they could? where were you married? we, uh, it was, uh... city hall, i think. city hall? you mean you didn't get married by a man of the cloth? oh, well, it-it wasn't my idea was it, dumpling? you know, there are still a few old-fashioned ministers around who would say that, uh... you aren't really married. i suppose there are. and i happen to be one of them. oh, well, reverend... see, reverend snow, one of these days we are... planning... to make it more religious. now, i'm happy to hear you say that, janet. in that case, there's no need to wait. what do you mean?
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all we need is another witness and we can get on with it. uh, a witness? there are no witnesses at this hour. at 11:30 in the morning? that's the worst possible time. there is absolutely nobody around. ( knocking at door ) i didn't hear that. no. i'm just going to see who's not there. jack... hmm? you and i had better have a little talk. all right? sure. i mean... now, it isn't as though you're getting married for the first time. too true. i just want to see how jack was making out. yeah, okay. he seems to be making out just fine. hello. oh, oh, reverend uh, this is, uh...
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mr. roper, i'm... it's my pleasure. give me your hand. chrissy, let's do it in the kitchen. janet, come help hold me down, please. yes, yes. you, uh... a friend of jack's? well, i hope jack thinks so. but right at this moment, he's not too sure. how come? i think i shook him up when i offered to marry him. oh, my god. oh, i'm sorry. yes, i'm afraid jack thinks i'm rushing him. how long have you known jack? i just met him today. but i can tell he's a fine boy. and i'd like to get this marriage over with. i don't believe in putting things off. you sure don't. of course, we'll need you as a witness. i mean, if you wouldn't mind.
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thank you. oh, boy. this is really a mess. chrissy, honey, i would do just about anything for you but the last thing in the world i want to do is marry jack. janet's right, chrissy. this has gone too far... what do you mean the last thing in the world you'd want to do is marry me? what? what's wrong with me? nothing, honey. then why did you say the last thing in the world...? jack, please. we don't have time. i suppose you think you're miss perfect. this won't help us get out of this mess. well, it was your big mouth that got us into this mess. jack, janet, please stop. it's bad luck to fight on your wedding day. ( doorbell rings ) uh... excuse me. oh, stanley... come in, helen. you got to see this. uh, this is my wife, uh, padre. oh! how do you do, mrs. roper?
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we could use another witness. witness? to what? there's going to be a wedding. a wedding? well, who's getting married? you'll never guess. jack and janet. what? jack and janet! oh, that's wonderful! wait a minute-- are you crazy? janet can't marry jack. congratulations! oh! there isn't going to be any wedding! what? i beg your pardon? that's right, daddy. you're chrissy's father? yes, i am. stanley, why didn't you tell me that was chrissy's father? oh, i-i-i-i-i... i thought you knew. chrissy's, what's all this nonsense about no wedding? daddy, could you go in the kitchen and talk to me, please? can i stay? 'cause i don't know what's going on around here.
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let's go. and, jack, janet-- look, whatever your problems are i'm sure you can work them out. look at me and stanley. chrissy... you said you had something to tell me. yes... i do. um... would you mind? no. sure. jack... sit down, daddy. please? daddy... remember when i was a little girl and you told me say nothing but the truth? i remember. second chronicles 18:15. and you said the truth shall set you free?
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father, i cannot tell a lie. george washington? no! me! chrissy, just what is it you're trying to tell me? they were never married. then you mean that jack is just living here with her? oh, no. he's not? no. he's living here with both of us. both of you?! it's absolutely innocent, daddy. innocent?! why, chrissy this is absolutely scandalous. this is immoral! it's sodom and gomorrah! that's what it is! oh, daddy, you make it sound like all we're doing is having fun. jack is here for practical reasons. practical reasons? well, i'll tell you what's practical.
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and come home with me. oh...! this is my home. this is not a home. this is a den of vipers. this is a playground for the devil. can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned? can a man walk upon hot coals and his feet not be burned? can a man say something? no! and you stay away from my daughter! oh, daddy, jack is my friend! just like janet is my friend. to me, jack is no different from janet. i'm not? no, i'm not, i'm not. young man, please! reverend snow, it's bugging you. so i'm packing my things and leaving right now. where will you go? back to the y.m.c.a. you didn't like it there. you were so lonely. chrissy, it's the only place i can afford. no! you're not leaving!
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i'll leave. chrissy... then, i'll have to leave. why? i can't stay with jack. my father wouldn't like it. why? your father's not a minister. no, but he's half italian. well, don't worry, janet. i'm the one who's leaving. chrissy, you're staying. no, she is not! chrissy, you are coming home with me! excuse me. isn't there a commandment that says "thou shalt not push thy daughter around"? now, look here, young man... wait a minute! chrissy, stay out of it. how can i stay out of it when i'm the only it that's in it? daddy, you say you know what's best for me. aren't you interested in hearing what i think is best for me? of course i am. i'm a reasonable man. well... excuse me-- i think maybe i hear something burning. well, daddy, i'm not a little girl anymore. and i'm just trying to make a life for myself here
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i don't know how long i'm going to stay here. i may pack up my bags and leave tomorrow... or next week... or... or never. but i think the decision has to be mine. and... i don't want to hurt you and i don't want to hurt my friends but it seems like i'm damned if i do and i'm damned if i don't. oh...
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janet? yeah.
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it's all right. no, i just called you 'cause i want to say good-bye. what? mm? say good-bye to chrissy for me. i'm taking off right now. what? i just cannot stand seeing chrissy being torn apart like this. so i'll send for my things. no, jack... look, just remember one thing. when chrissy works late you make sure she calls home so you can go meet her at the bus stop like i always did. jack, wait. you're being very hasty... you stay right here, jack. no, reverend snow. it'd be better... stay, jack, stay! chrissy... i'd like to talk to you. no. why not? well, i'm afraid you'll be right. you're always right about everything. well, i'm wrong this time. see? you're right again. did you say you were wrong?
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you and jack were willing to make a sacrifice just so the other could be happy. now, i wanted you home because... there, you would be surrounded by people who love you. well, chrissy... you don't have to come home. you are home. oh, daddy. oh, janet. hey... oh, jack. [doorbell rings]
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yeah, yeah, all right. o.k. where the hell have you been? i didn't think you were coming. is that any way to talk to a friend? a dear friend, who saved you a fortune on a round-trip ticket to honolulu? i can't get over how cheap this ticket is. that's because it's my introductory offer, john. for one week and one week only, 99 bucks round-trip to the land of wahines who wear topless bikinis. next week, when my new business really gets rolling, the price will go up. i'm really looking forward to this. i have never been to hawaii. obviously, john. you don't wear coats around hawaii. you look like a tourist. i am a tourist. besides, it's freezing outside. but you're going to be in a warm cab, then on a cozy plane,
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while a sweet young thing from kapalua toys with your puka shells. yeah, yeah, right, i'll leave the coat here. i don't want to cover up my puka shells. dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on right or wrong now it's all been said and done dear john so long seems we've sung love's last song dear john seems we've sung love's last song poor john
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dear john
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oh, oh, $99? yeah. round-trip to hawaii? are you sure those tickets are legitimate? i got 200 from the cousin of this dude who waxes the floors in the frequent flyer department at trans-universal airlines. what could be more legit than that? [telephone rings] hello. kirk, it's john. how does a week in hawaii sound to you? no, thanks, i'm already tan all over. i'll take your word for it. john, you lucky dog. how are things in unbelievably sunny waikiki?
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i'm in unbelievably freezing buffalo. would fred thomas report to gate 5? you want to know why i'm in buffalo? i was bumped for a passenger who paid full fare. why didn't you tell me that the ticket was a stand-by? would herb gardner report to gate 6? there's a flight to hawaii tonight, but they haven't called my name. i'll have to stay in buffalo without my coat. [baby cries] what? what? i can't hear you. would stand-by passenger john lacey report to gate 5? i can't hear you. stand-by passenger john lacey to gate 5. i'm not leaving until you tell me how i'm getting out of here. last call for john lacey. what? what? just hop on any plane that's headed west
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don't ask me how, john. what am i, your travel agent? hey, guys. i just got off the phone with john. john called from hawaii? how did he sound? clear as a bell. you'd think he was calling from buffalo. alejandro... i'm sorry to interrupt. alejandro, how are you? haven't seen you in ages. i was in argentina visiting my parents at our cattle ranch. kate. i, uh... i wonder if i might have a word with you in private. well, uh...sure. if you want to be alone, why don't you use the storeroom?
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i have missed you so much the past two months. why did you break up with me? it hurt so deeply, i went to argentina. i didn't want to look sad in front of americans. look, alejandro, don't take this the wrong way. i think you're a terrific guy. i really do, but... we're just so... different. that's why i adore you. i'm flattered, but-- i love to adore you. i adore to love you. i told my father about you. he says i am single too long. my father has lived for the day that i would produce for him a hair. heir. yes, it's a little stuffy in here, huh? oh, god. look.
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this isn't the place to talk about this. um, we'll talk later. give me a ring at clancy's around 9:30. thank you, katarina. thank you. sure. i don't know what your problem is, kate. o.k., maybe alejandro is not the brightest man in the world. not the brightest man? o.k., he's dumb. dumb and rich. but think about it. that combination is almost impossible to come by. i don't know what i'm going to do. the man doesn't know the meaning of the word no. and he also doesn't know the meaning of the word cat.
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what? kirk, telephone. oh, thanks, harry. ahem. ahem. hello. john, you got to stop calling me like this. i'm with people. kirk, when i get my hands on you, you're going to be with blood donors! no, i'm not basking on the beach. i'm freezing my buns off here in fairbanks, alaska! [playing guitars] ol\! i am a simple millionaire from argentina who is hopelessly in love with katarina so i have come to this beautiful cantina
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if i make a scene ah for the woman i love to love. alejandro, what in the world? uh... i--i don't understand. you told me to give you a ring at clancy's around 9:30. this is the happiest night of my happy-go-lucky life. chi chi, coco, wait in the limo. champagne for everybody! kate, this ring must be worth a fortune.
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wow, a 6-carat flawless diamond in a 24-karat gold setting. off the top of my head, i'd say it's worth $51,600. you hang around jewelry stores, you learn. oh, my god. keep the champagne flowing. o.k., kirk, now... kirk? kirk? kirk! [mumbling and yelling] i don't think i need any plane tickets. no, listen. um, if you buy all 200 of them, i'll give them to you for 199 bucks each. no. no. o.k., well, listen, listen. because you're a friend of kate's, i'm going to practically give these things away.
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and i repeat, not, have all 200 of them. all or nothing. deal. my father thinks i am too naive to be a good businessman. i feel like a matador who has gone in for the kill. and you, my friend, are the bull. you have no idea. alejandro, may i have a word with you? of course. poor kate. i don't envy her trying to make alejandro understand it's over. i think she's out of her mind for dumping him. out of her mind? look, now he's down on his knees begging. oh, god, i hate when men do that. i'm always afraid i'm wearing the wrong shoes. i don't believe it. the man had actually planned our wedding.
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the nerve. what did you say? i said it was absolutely out of the question. i'm going to be a june bride or nothing.
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oh, kate, you look smashing. well, thank you, louise. i just love your outfit. it looks so...so... expensive. i splurged, but it's worth it. alejandro loves me in it. listen, kate, you and i haven't had a chance to chat recently. why don't we go to lunch tomorrow?
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alejandro and i are going to work on our vows. he thought it would be special if we wrote our own. let me help you. um... i, kate mccarron, promise to take you, alejandro braceros, for every dime you got. kirk, john's on the phone. he wants to talk to you. again? jeez, you believe this guy? i send him to paradise, and he still can't get a life. kate. i--i've been thinking. i don't want you to take this the wrong way. i know alejandro's a terrific catch. i--i just don't understand how your feelings for him could have changed so drastically in one week.
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well, last week you were trashing him, and this week, you're, um... recycling him. a $50,000 ring is hard to resist. kate, are--are you sure about this marriage? o.k., so he's rich. i don't deny that alejandro's money is one of the reasons i'm attracted to him. who wouldn't be? people fall in love for many stupid reasons. "oh, he's so good-looking. "he's so smart, he's so funny, "he's so nice, he's so sensitive, he's so rich." so what? people fall in love because people fall in love. do you love him? that's a stupid question. do you? listen, louise, i'm a woman, i'm divorced,
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do i love him? oh, you bet i do. where are you going? i'm meeting alejandro. i'm sorry if i-- do me a favor. stay out of my life. well, if she wants me to stay out of her life, good. i'll stay out of everybody's life. to our long life together. sit down, my darling. ale, why do you love me so much? because you are you, and you love me for just being me.
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of course there is more. i love you for loving me while i'm just being me who's loving you who's being you while loving me who's being me with you. i'll tell you that every night of our lives. alejandro, uh... where do you think we'd be if you lost all your money? i know exactly where we'd be. on the phone sucking up to my father. no, no. no, what i mean is, you must have dated women who you felt were... with you for your money. but that's why i love you, katarina. you would never marry me for my money. you're too good a person. oh, alejandro.
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but i--i can't marry you. please... please take back your ring. your... flawless, humongous diamond ring. but, katarina, why? oh, god, i've tried. i want to be, i would kill to be, but i'm not in love with you. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. it's not there for me, and it never will be. if i married you, it would be for the wrong rings-- reasons. i see. i hope that someday you find someone who loves you, and that you have a wonderful life together. i really do.
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oh, damn. goodbye, ale. katarina, wait. i want you to know that there will always be a special place in my heart for you. i want you to have something to remember me by. oh, no, no, i couldn't. it wouldn't be-- oh, no, no, i couldn't. i insist. well... if it will make you happy... here.
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shall we call it a night? hi, guys. hi, kate. what happened to your ring? i, uh, i gave it back to alejandro. i called off the wedding. oh, that's a shame. well, look, i wouldn't worry about it. he's a millionaire. he'll find somebody else. louise... i'm really sorry for all those things i said to you before. forget about it. you really hate me, don't you? louise. louise!
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ow. forgive me? of course. in fact, a lot of what you said made sense. people do get married for all kinds of silly reasons. and some of those marriages are very successful. now she tells me. mmm! john. hi. how was hawaii? hawaii? what's hawaii? i was in buffalo, fairbanks, st. louis, omaha, chicago, idaho falls... idaho falls?
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cincinnati... john, uh... jackson hole, detroit... open this door! i'm not leaving until one of us is unconscious. open the door! huh? huh? get a grip. i--i, uh... now, get that huge vein in your head to stop pounding, and tell us what happened. oh, it was horrible. kirk never told me that that stupid ticket he sold me was a stand-by. they bump you off every flight. i've been taking sponge baths in every airport in north america. kate. kate. this is not funny. oh, yes, it is. last week, kirk sold alejandro 200 of those tickets. what does that got to do with anything?
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oh? and he gave kirk all the credit for it. now, that's good. that's very good. very-- come on, red. don't kid around about that. i'm not. alejandro wanted to make sure that all those big, hard-working, cranky policemen could take their families for a week in the sun. ha. yeah, like that's supposed to scare me. kirk, there's a captain broderick from the s.w.a.t. team on the phone. he wants to know what time you'll be home. captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.
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hey, kirk, do me a favor--drop dead. hey, hey, come on. let's not let a little nudity be a deal breaker here. gee. ye-ye-ye-ye. pete, how's it going? not so good, actually. i got laid off. i've got to get rid of my brand new porsche, and we'll probably lose the house. i guess my mom will have to cancel her eye operation. oh... damn, that really stinks. yeah. so... what are you asking for the porsche? i just need somebody to take over the payments so they don't repossess it, screw up my credit. it's $600 a month. interested? $600? that's what i pay for rent. i can't give up my apartment for some stupid car.
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for $600 a month, you're getting a porsche. wow! you're getting a porsche? sold. dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on right or wrong now it's all been said and done dear john so long seems we've sung love's last song dear john seems we've sung love's last song poor john
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dear john
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oh, ben! thank god. oh, hi. so the center finally got us a new air conditioner. actually, it's not new. it's slightly used. who am i kidding? this thing's a relic, but it's got this really nice wood. hmm. that's not true either. it's some kind of brown plastic.
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catching fire when it overheats, unless you turn it on. hi, louise. hello, mrs. philbert. we drove to see his new yacht-- the s.s. mary beth. he named a yacht after you? i never thought of that. do you think? ah... i got to call him. that knucklehead. oh, hey, ben. they finally broke down and gave us an air conditioner. may i say something? of course, ben. well, i just want to say that you women look absolutely beautiful tonight. ben, that's so sweet. and i'm saying it because i mean it, not because i think this will never work.
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you'd think a man my age would have learned. there's one rule you never break if you want to hold on to sanity-- never buy your mother a margarita. what happened, john? i spent the afternoon in this charming mexican restaurant listening to this old lady with a salt moustache. after two margaritas and a 1/2 pound of guacamole, she breaks the news that my father had an affair. your father had an affair? good for him. i thought he was dead. yes, mrs. philbert, he is. the affair happened when i was a kid. who was she? she was a waitress. who cares who she was? the main thing is it broke up their marriage. i was only 15 when they got divorced. i was robbed of having a father when i needed one.
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break up their marriage over some silly affair? you see, you people don't understand. i was only 15 years old. hey, ben, ben. do you mind? uh, sorry. i'm almost finished. if i could get someone to hold this... all right, i'll hold it. holding it? yeah. john, all this happened such a long time ago. i know that. don't you think you should just let go? it's not that easy. you stopped holding it, didn't you? wait until you need a favor someday. hi, kirk. hi, ben. ben! ben, my main man. you live alone, right?

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