tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC February 20, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST
you're not the type. oh, really, jack? and just what type am i? oh, you know-- you're solid... reliable... dependable... you make me sound like a used car. janet! i'm complimenting you! and by the way, i love your dashboard. oh, jack! i could... wait, wait, wait. listen, you, i do a lot of crazy things. oh, yeah? like what? well, like... ( laughing ): like last night. uh-huh? yeah, uh... you should have seen what i did to roy last night. oh, yeah? what'd you do? well, first, i grabbed him... mercy. yeah, and then i brought him back, and i bent him deep... oh, yeah? yeah? and then, jack... yes? i stared deeply into his eyes... yeah? yeah? and then i'll tell you. yeah? i could have done anything i wanted to. so, what'd you do? nothing. why?! well, he was foaming at the mouth just the way you are.
i love it when you're physical. hi, stanley. hi, helen. where you been all morning? walking on the beach. really? we've lived here 20 years, you never walk on the beach. well, it's time i started. you see my binoculars anyplace? they're in the desk drawer. why? oh, i saw some things out there that... i never saw before. what kind of things? uh, uh... shells. uh... seashells. oh, i love looking at seashells. oh, so do i.
oh, i know... oh, here they are. so where you going now? to look at some more shells. with binoculars? well, sure. see, this way you can look at them without disturbing them. what? it's a... it's a... ecology, helen... you know, "save our seashells"? thank you. sure. check and mate. aahhh! ( doorbell rings ) i'll get it.
oh, hi, lar. janet... hello, larry. how are you? i'm just terrific. hi, larry! i thought you'd be spending all day at the beach. aw, come on, jack. that's the minor leagues. a bunch of naked chicks standing around is no challenge for a guy like me. they all turned you down, huh? every one of them. how about a game of chess with the champ? oh, no, thanks. i just dropped by to invite you lovely people to brunch. well, it is my turn, remember? how can we forget? it's been your turn for months! it's taken me this long because i've been searching for the perfect place to take all of you. what place is that? one to match my style. a cheap dump, huh? that's unkind, tripper. it happens to be a great greek restaurant that just opened down on the beach. greek? come on-- great atmosphere. wait, larry-- we can't go. the telephone. oh, yeah, she's right. see, larry, our phone's out of order.
it only takes one person to open the door. yeah, but who wants to do it? well, janet'll take care of it. you can always count on janet. oh, thank you! we'll bring you back something to eat! hey, jack? are you sure you don't mind? mind? she loves doing things like this. good old reliable janet. uh... love you. uh...! ( gasping softly ) "good old reliable janet"? ( knock at door ) it's open. come on in. hi. oh, hi, janet. mrs. roper, could i please ask you a question? oh, sure, honey. what is it? ( clears throat ) uh, am i...
of course you are. that's a terrible thing to say. what? don't you see, mrs. roper? "reliable" is dull. and dull is boring. and boring's no fun. what-- do you like people who are dull and boring and no fun? i must. i married one. i'm tired of being taken for granted. oh, i know what you mean. i don't want to sit around and wait for the telephone man. i want to go out and do something that's wild and crazy. me, too! i just don't know what it is yet. i do. but it doesn't help. oh, hi, janet. oh, hi. where are the other girls? they are down at the beach. they went down there to try out that new greek restaurant. oh, speaking of beaches--
oh, fine, fine. i saw some beauties today. oh, stanley's been out all day, looking for seashells. oh, yeah? he got tired of the nude beach? shh! "nude beach"? uh-uh-uh-uh... didn't mr. roper tell you? hey, our beach has gone nude. really? i didn't notice anything. so you've been out looking for shells, huh? what kind of shells, stanley-- blonde bombshells? i'm a married man, helen. i mean, what am i going to do with a beach full of naked women? good lord, he's even forgotten that. will you listen to me? no, you listen to me, stanley. now, don't you go near that beach. i find one grain of sand in your shoes and you're going to get it.
i'm going to go take a nap. oh... you think you're being taken for granted... i know. it's awful. i have everything those women on the beach have. oh, of course you do. and he doesn't need binoculars to see it, either. oh, mrs. roper... mrs. roper, i think you've hit on the answer for both of us. i have? yes. remember, we were talking we said we want to do something wild and crazy? yeah...? all right, let's go down to that nude beach and let's join the demonstration. come on, mrs. roper-- let's go down and prove that we're people, too! oh! janet, that's a terrific idea! is it? oh, yeah-- absolutely. all right. oh... what are you doing? i'm writing a note to stanley. why? if i'm going to do something behind his back, i want him
can i come in? ( sputtering ) thanks. wait a minute... i just want to use your phone. helen! i just want to call for a ride home. i was on the beach when the cops raided us. you were a demonstrator? uh-huh. in the... nude. shh. why do they always hassle us? all we want to do is just live our life without hang-ups just be open and truthful. i know what you mean. i'm the same way. hello, tom? can you pick me up? it's a long story.
okay. bye. he'll only be a few minutes. can i get you anything? coffee... a raincoat? no, thanks. what a day. it was just incredible on that beach. it sure was... i mean, was it? you know, some weirdos actually came down there just to stare at us. you're kidding. some of them even had binoculars. ( gasping ) you know... you look familiar. haven't i seen you someplace? no, i've never been there. didn't i see you earlier today? you might have. were you in church? you're cute. hey, listen, it's a little hot in here.
oh, no, no! please don't do that. don't do that. is something the matter? no, nothing. wait a minute. wait a minute. did you say the police arrested everybody at nude beach today? oh, yeah, mostly the women. my wife was there. she's a woman. did you see her-- tall, redhead looks like her stockings are hanging down but she's not wearing any? no. she's probably in jail right now. come on, let's go. oh, excuse me. what am i going to tell my guy? just don't tell him you were ever in here. oh, excuse me.
hey, this is fun. did i tell you this place had atmosphere? sure, but what about the food? to tell you the truth, jack, i've been here five times i don't know if they even serve food. you mean, this is brunch? for some people, yes. am i doing it right? you are if you're trying to clean off the chair. jack, they say that every movement has meaning. they talk with their bodies. i think she's stuttering. huh? huh? oh, she likes you, larry. hey, look at this. jack: real classy. i cannot take him anywhere. thanks a lot. no, thanks. no. oh, jack. come on, jack.
go ahead, jack. go ahead, jack. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do. ow! i'll be over here if you need me. hey, you were good. why did you stop? she shoots from the hip. huge strawberry... chrissy, larry, am i glad to see you. hi, mr. roper. something happened today at the nude beach. what was that? what is going on? she wants you to dance with her. who? oh, my god! i don't think you understand. see, i'm just visiting. i don't work here. chrissy: i think you'd better dance with her, mr. roper. but you'd better let her lead.
jack: don't hold back. all right. ( cheering ) shake those booties! be happy! bravo! not bad, huh? what did you want to tell us, mr. roper? oh, they raided the nude beach today. they did? what? that's not the worst part. helen and janet were there. they saw it? they were it. they're probably in jail now. come on, we got to go get them out. hey, wait for me. here, thank you very much. i appreciate it. let's keep in touch. boy, that police station sure was crowded with nudists. i know. every time they sat down it sounded like a round of applause.
to cover themselves. yeah, but did you notice the great-looking girls got all the moth-eaten blankets. you would. but why weren't helen and janet there? maybe they didn't go to the beach after all. well, then where are they? psst. what was that? what was what? that "psst"? psst! fantastic. how did you do that? stanley, over here! helen, how did you get over... don't come any closer! i'm not decent. i know that. i'm your husband. what am i going to see that i haven't seen before? me. chrissy: janet? hello, everyone. could someone get us something to cover up with, please? i'll get you something. you've got no clothes on? what are you doing back there anyway?
where are your clothes? we left them on the beach. when the police came, we just took off. that's three blocks away. how did you get here from the beach? faster than you can imagine. why didn't you go right in the house? the door's locked! you don't have a key? where would i carry it, stanley? boy, i really admire you, janet. you do? yeah. here i was the one who was talking about stripping for a good cause and you're the one who went out and did something about it. you bared your soul... among other things. guess i'm just a talker and you're a doer. hey, it's not too late, little chrissy. it's not? no. you want me to hold your clothes for you? i'm sorry. jack, come on, it's no joke. i'm sorry... no, jack!
oh, look here. there's leia and lana-- the two hawaiian pineapples. ( imitating hawaiian music ) boy, i wish i had the nerve to do crazy, wild things like that. oh, wow, chrissy. you know, it was really nothing. i just decided that from now on nothing is going to phase me. boy, that larry should get some new towels. either that, or sew up those gaping holes...
in the back of this one... jack! all right, helen, let's go. next time you want to take your clothes off and run around make sure it's in our apartment. oh, stanley, do you mean it? just warn me ahead of time. i'll go to the movies or something. three's company was videotaped in front of a studio aud screwdriver, please. right-e-ho. thanks. and if you could hold this right here? there? yeah. good. and, uh, over here, too, please. go ahead. mind your arm.
go ahead. thanks. yeah. you've got a great smile. why, thank you. except for that caraway seed there. o.k. that ought to do it. well, thank you, louise. i couldn't have done it without you. we certainly make a ripping jolly good team. took the words right out of my mouth, except for "ripping" and "jolly." ben, you do terrific work. oh, thanks. a job worth doing is worth doing right. screwdriver, please. dear john dear john
kirk, i'm not getting involved in another harebrained scheme. you haven't even heard my offer. all i have to hear is your voice. please. listen. hundreds of japanese tourists come to the city, right? yeah? so they need somebody to show them the sights. who are they going to call? "kirkamoto tours"? oh, come on, please. come on, john. you would make a great tour guide. forget it. show these people around yourself. me? john, i'm the president of the company. that's like asking fannie farmer to dip her own bonbons. guys, guys! i've got great news. wait till everyone hears! you guys, wait till you hear this. now, take off your coats. hurry up. what is it, huh? o.k.
at my job lately. i was supposed to be an assistant, but my boss treats me like an ornament-- answer the telephone, make coffee. i've got lots of ideas, but when i tell him one, he pats my head and says, "aren't you cute?" i know that feeling. anyway... i marched right into his office, and i told him i quit. good for you! mary beth! what are you going to do now? i don't know, but i'll go someplace i'm appreciated. i know lots of people here. i could ask around. i'll get you a meeting with my personnel manager. i really want to try this on my own. you're interested in writing. i'll help you. i know you mean well, but i don't want anybody's help. come on!
cut the chick some slack here? mary beth, i think it's becoming increasingly clear that i, more than anyone else here, understand what you're going through, and that's why you have to do what god put you on earth to do. be a guide for kirkamoto tours. come on, kirk. all she has to do is point out the empire state building and wear a kimono. if the kimono's tight enough, she won't even have to point. you see? that's exactly what i'm talking about. nobody takes me seriously. that's how i've been treated my whole life. to daddy, i was sunshine girl. to my ex-husband, i was his honey babe. well, this time, i'll show everybody i've got what it takes-- brains, talent, and enough great outfits for interviews
john, i want to ask you something. i'm putting together some background information for kirkamoto tours. i want to show respect for their japanese culture, you know. and i read somewhere that they consider it extremely rude to say no. well, actually, that's true. fascinating. yeah. fascinating. now, this "no" thing-- does that also hold true for japanese women? well... they might not say no, but they can get it across that they mean no. the thing about japanese culture-- yeah, yeah, yeah. like i care. congratulations! thank you! that is wonderful! what is wonderful? i am! mary beth got a new job. mary beth!
wow. in only a week. that's terrific. i'm very happy for you. it's like a dream come true! i'm a real writer. writer? how about that? i'm writing for a soap opera. soap opera? the divided heart. y'all know it? sure. i've seen that show. sorry, dear, but i've never understood the fascination with all that mindless drivel. oh, but this one's sensational. the main character is bret davenport. he's this handsome doctor. he's married to a lawyer--victoria. i thought he married ashley. he left that slut months ago. your babysitter's on the phone. she's panicky. oh, i hope nigel hasn't smacked her with the cat again. mary beth, fill us in.
oh, it's been great. i've already started my first script. i'd read some of it, but that's not why we're here. mary beth-- o.k. all right. this is a scene i just finished between samantha-- "a beautiful, intelligent redhead--" a lot like you, kate. oh. "and tyler--a rugged, good-looking hunk--" a lot like-- well, use your imagination. o.k. "samantha enters, sees tyler. their eyes lock." ooh. samantha says, "oh, tyler, i want you. "i need you.
see, they love when you throw in a tumor every now and then. then samantha says, "i cannot go on denying my feelings for you. "every time i see you, i want to touch you. "come to me tonight. i won't tell a soul." mrs. philbert, do you mind? you're breathing a little heavy on my mohair. blast! the flipping faucet thing under my kitchen sink's sprung a leak. i'll never find a bloody plumber on a friday night. how about ben? i bet he could fix it. oh, yeah. he fixed that sink last month. splendid idea. i've got to get home and turn the water off. i'll write down my address. here. here you go. would you give it to ben when you see him?
don't worry. i'll make sure we continue. thank you, john. you're in charge. you can count on me, louise. "you can count on me, louise"? heh heh. what a suck-up. [kissing sounds] all right, very funny. very funny! i am so excited about this job! perhaps you'd like to share your feelings. i just did. mary beth, how did you manage to get this job so quickly? i was going to ask. well, i just sent some writing samples in to the producer. next thing i know, he called, said he loved them, asked when i could start. i said immediately. he said, "welcome aboard, and say hello to your father for me." he knows him? your father works in television? oh, no. far from it. daddy runs the sunshine baby food company.
only for the past 22 years. uh, mary beth, you're saying your father is the president of the company that sponsors the show that hired you? don't be silly. he's the chairman of the board. uncle dave is the president. oh, no... no, no, no. i got this job on my own. my daddy had nothing to do with it. did he? oh, my god. i feel like such a fool. here i am thinking, for the first time in my life i got a job because of my talent. but of course not.
when am i going to learn? sorry, thought you were done. uh, ben, listen. louise wants you to go over to her apartment. she does? she hoped you'd look at a leaky faucet. she left you this. o.k. thanks. [louise] i cannot go on denying my feelings for you. every time i see you, i want to touch you. come to me tonight.
[muttering] aah! later, mrs. mercer. nigel's like totally crashed. i'm bookin'. bookin'? oh, you mean going home. catch you on the bounce back. [doorbell rings] that's probably ben. would you let him in? tell him i'm here. no prob. and tell him in english. louise! in here, ben. i've got a bit of a problem i'm sure it's nothing roses and a little dry white-- plumber couldn't fix. oh, dear. you did get a message about a leaky pipe, didn't you? sure. i always like to bring flowers and wine
you'd be surprised how many referrals it gets me. ben, what is all this? well, the group... gave me your note. i didn't write this. oh, god. this must be something mary beth was writing for her soap opera. all i wrote was my address. the hot part wasn't you? sorry. oh, no, no, uh... i mean, it's my own... dumb mistake. how about i have a look at that leak? i really appreciate this, ben. tools. oh. nice tools. i'm impressed. they were an anniversary present.
ow! oh, oh! are you all right? i--i just banged my head. i probably deserve it for thinking someone like you could be attracted to someone like me. oh, ben. i'm terribly, terribly flattered. to think that a good-looking young chap like yourself could be attracted to a... let's say mature person like me. how old are you? 28, 29? i'm 24. ouch. that ought to be o.k. it was a loose collar. thank you, ben. well, i better get going. oh! oh! how much do i owe you? oh, no. nothing. it was my pleasure.
oh. if it's o.k., i'd just as soon leave them here. thank you, ben. that's very sweet. good night. good night. is there any way to forget this happened? oh, of course. what was i thinking? you weren't thinking alone. but you and me... would be absolutely out of the question. oh, yeah. totally. how could i explain it to my friends? good night. good night. i mean... no matter how attracted we are to each other... there could never be anything between us. you're right. good night. good night.
i'll get the glasses. i'll get the wine. i know you've worked on this new flavor for months. yes, i know. it tastes exactly like real liver. that's why i'm firing you. morning, daddy. thank you, aunt nell. there's my little sunshine. give us a hug. i didn't come to hug, but to talk. before we do, sunshine, look what i picked up for you at cartier. you like it? that is so typical. really? i thought it was rather unique. not the brooch. you. i said i had something important to talk about, and you think jewelry can take care of everything. wait a second, young lady.
what job? ahh! the writing job on the divided heart. you told them to hire me. you don't think i can do anything on my own. you are so wrong, sunshine. well, i've always known you were going to make it as a writer. remember this? what's that? a father's day card you wrote for me in the fourth grade. go ahead, read it. "you know why my daddy is so special? he put my picture on his baby food--" i asked you to take it down. will you look at my hair? go on. read, read. ahh... "and he named his company after me. "so when babies eat sunshine baby food, "they grow up strong and healthy because in every jar is a father's love for his little girl."
hmm! even back then. so... you had nothing to do with my getting that job? they hired me 'cause they liked my writing? oh, my god! i quit. i got that job on my own, and now i don't have it anymore. what will i do? well, what you-- don't you dare tell me. i'll figure out something on my own. daddy... i'm sorry i got so mad. hey, hey. i'm proud of you. you showed you could make it without help at all from the old man. thanks. i'm glad you came by. to show there's no hard feelings.
says a man has got to be a man and before i let your steam drill beat me down i'll die with a hammer in my hand lord, lord-- evening, ladies. a hammer in my hand... well, somebody's in a good mood. how long has she been like this? about 18 choruses. oohhhh.... you know what this means, don't you? what? john, the woman is singing a completely ridiculous, inane song about a man and a hammer. so? what else? she's getting hammered. o.k., o.k., louise. tell us about this guy you're seeing. a guy?
he died with a hammer in his hand lord, lord he died with a hammer in his hand... aw... darn. i was looking forward to some good dirt tonight. aw. well... since i'm desperate, how's your love life? o.k., john. o.k. you laughed at me? you scoffed at me? you ridiculed me? and still he comes back for more. you wanted no part of kirkamoto tours. you thought it was a big waste of time. well, you blew it! i just booked eight japanese fat cats for a tour of the city tomorrow night. hee hee hee hmmm. and listen to this fast one i am pulling on these--
guess what those suckers are shelling out for this trip around town. what? 3,000 a piece. heh heh heh heh! $3,000? better! 3,000 yen! wow. wow. in american dollars that's almost 20 bucks. what? it's not funny! captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc. kirk, good luck with your apartment. thank you. i'll see you all over there tomorrow. when should i be there to help you move? i don't know. 9:00, 9:15.
excuse me, john. opportunity knockers. hey, i just got a new apartment. i am going to give you the address. don't tell any other women here where i'll be living because i don't want a thousand broads coming over there. here. read it, memorize it, and then destroy it. she's obviously a speed reader. dear john dear john by the time you read these lines i'll be gone life goes on right or wrong
thanks for helping me move. you're a good friend. good friend with a hernia. what's in this damn bag? my barbells. you have me carrying your barbells? hey, i work out. i don't need the exercise. here it is. 306. please let it look like the guy told me it would. you sublet an apartment sight unseen? i got a great deal because this guy had to leave town suddenly. please. oh! it's perfect! oh... yeah, it's nice. the chicks will love this place. the furniture's great. i got a cd player. oh, what's up here? oh! two bedrooms! two bedrooms! i can have an extra babe warming up in the bullpen. oh, yeah, that's perfect,
once they hear about this, i'm going to have broads flocking to this place. finally i've got a broad-flocking place. ooh! aah! whoa! i got one already! you get away from me. very sorry. out! out! enormous mistake. could we be in the wrong apartment? if it's the wrong apartment, the key wouldn't fit. miss? miss? can you hear me? if you can hear me, just knock once. [bang] she can hear us. o.k., o.k., o.k., o.k., o.k. i'm warning you, this is hairspray. don't make me use it. look, lady... move it! move it! out of my apartment! out! now! go! out! now! go! i'm not going anywhere. surprise! surprise! there's more?
don't look like that. she was here when i moved in. boy, when they say furnished... all i ever get is free gas and electric. i don't know why you people are here, but this is my apartment. and the only person who is supposed to be here is me. listen, lady, i'll have you know i rented this apartment from a guy named freddie walker. freddie wouldn't rent our apartment. are you his wife? no, we live together. if you want to keep living together, get a bus for denver. that's where he'll be for six months. wouldn't i know if he moved to denver? his clothes would be gone. his clothes are gone. wasn't man enough to dump me to my face. aw, you poor thing.
now i can wear my retainer to bed again. i've got to give you credit. you're handling this well. thank you. now, if you don't mind, i'd like to not look at any of you. what? what? o.k., o.k. uh, look... i know it hurts. it hurts bad. but you got to stop crying, you know? you got to pull yourself together and get out of here. have a little sympathy. a little sympathy. i'm sure there's been some kind of misunderstanding. i'm louise mercer. and i'm john lacey.