tv Today NBC February 20, 2016 2:07am-3:00am PST
as a rule, gracie is a wonderful audience for my jokes. sometimes she laughs so hard that she even forgets to ask me to explain them. (audience laughs) i always try to find out if my jokes are funny or not. but it's hard to get an honest opinion until i get in front of an audience. and by then, i'm always too late. (audience laughs) getting laughs is a tricky business. things that are funny to a certain class of people aren't funny to others. like this judge who was trying a man for robbery. he said, "is it true that aside from you stealing 10,000 dollars in cash, you also took jewelry and furs?" and the man said, "yes, your honor. "my mother always taught me that money "alone won't bring happiness." (audience laughs) the judge gave him 10 years. five for stealing the jewelry, money, and furs. and the other five years for stealing that old joke. (audience laughs) you never know what'll make an audience laugh. it happened to me when i first started to sing. and there are certain words that are funnier than others.
like, pumpernickel is a funny word. except for people who make white bread. and freeway is a funny word, which is a good thing to know. in case you're stuck on one for seven or eight hours, you can sit there and laugh. (audience laughs) another comedy word is mother-in-law and hot-rod. and of course, smog and brooklyn. my writers once wrote me a surefire gag. it went something like this. a man driving a pumpernickel truck got lost in the smog on the freeway. and hit a hot-rod driven by a mother-in-law. (audience laughs) it didn't get a laugh. forgot to use the word brooklyn. (audience laughs) see, it's foolproof. when gracie and i first started in vaudeville, i was supposed to tell all the jokes. and our opening was supposed to be where we did that real old classic. i'd say my family were in the iron and steel business. and gracie was supposed to say really? and i'd say, yeah, my mother irons and my father steals. we walked on the stage that night.
in the iron and steel business. and she started to laugh. i said what are you laughing at? she says, george, if your father steals and your mother irons, why are you doing this for a living? (audience laughs) so that's how a straight man was formed. (audience laughs) (upbeat music) - mary, you see, all you have to do is make a play for this football captain. and he'll forget all about imogene. - and ralph will get her back. - i'm afraid you're overestimating my ability to charm this mr. monoghan. after all, i'm more of the intellectual type. - well, that's the kind men go for. and believe me, i know from sad experience. (audience laughs) - well... - i had so many men around me, i lost all my girlfriends. - oh, that happens to all you intellectuals. - i'm still not sure this is the right thing to do. if i start flirting with mr. monoghan, how would ronnie feel about it? - [gracie] well, i asked him. and he said it was perfectly all right. (audience laughs) - hi, mary.
- well, we're just up to the point where mary is agreeing to flirt with mr. monoghan. - huh? - well, this whole idea was blanche's. (audience laughs) - mrs. morton, this was your idea? - excuse me, i forgot something in my kitchen. and i think it was me. (audience laughs) - look, we're just trying to help ralph. - well, i don't like the idea. - you're not worried about losing me to this monaghan? - are you kidding? why should i be? but i am. - he's probably some big brute with a low forehead, a broken nose and a conversation as limited to three kinds of grunts. you wouldn't call that quite my type, would you? - oh, i guess not. (doorbell rings) - oh, that must be he now. it's all right to let him in, isn't it, ronnie? - [ronnie] okay. my brain tells me there's nothing to worry about. but i got a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach there is. - oh, ronnie, don't be silly. - how do you do? i'm jim monoghan.
should listen to his stomach. (audience laughs) won't you come in? - you're mrs. burns, aren't you? i've admired you for a long time on television. but you're even more attractive in person. - oh, poor ronnie. - you told me on the phone there was a young lady who was anxious to meet me. - yes, she's in there with the young man who used to be her boyfriend. (audience laughs) - mr. monoghan, this is mary rogers. - how do you do? - hello. - and this is my son, ronnie. - hello, there. boy, have i got a stomachache. (audience laughs - i better go over and help blanche look for herself in the kitchen. (audience laughs) - ms. rogers, you can't possibly go to sc. i'm sure i would have noticed such a pretty girl as you around the campus. - thank you. as a matter of fact, i don't. i attend the pasadena school of music. - oh, interesting. i'm majoring in music myself. - why don't we all sit down? - fine.
- that's exactly the way i feel. - listening to music could brighten an entire day for me. - same with me. - i have a record player. - mozart, bach, brahms. i could listen to their music forever. - beethoven, wagner, they're magnificent. - i have a collector's item by fats waller. - some day i hope to make my living from music. i play the violin. - i'm studying to be a concert pianist. - i have a sapphire needle that plays over a 100 records. - well, my car's outside. perhaps i can drop you off. - thank you. - you like to ride with the top down? - oh, i adore it. - i have a bongo drum i can hardly lift. - you mind if we take the long way through the park? - oh, i insist on it. - remember, you're doing this for ralph. - of course. - well, nice meeting you. so long. - bye, mary. - bye, ralph. (audience laughs)
- i don't know. - do what? - and he looks the part. he's such a gentleman and so dignified. - yes, he certainly is. he's very intelligent. will he do it? - do what? - i know one thing, i know i couldn't do it, because i've had no education. - well, that's true, george. you couldn't do it, but i'm sure i could. - oh, i know. and he's dressed just right in that conservative suit and everything. - he has beautiful taste. - oh, yes, he has beautiful taste. - but i couldn't. - i couldn't either. - well, ask me, please. i'm most anxious to do it. - we'll get somebody else to do it. - oh, yeah, let's get somebody else, let's forget about it. - no, no, no, please, stop, stop. i insist, ask me to do it. i insist on doing it. - okay, gracie, we'll let him do it. - oh, all right, come on, harry. - thank you. oh, gracie, just one question. what is it i'm supposed to do? - well, i'll tell you when we get there. but don't worry, harry. you'll be able to do it. - you will, harry. - thank you. (audience laughs) - the lobster not only walked in the pot, but he turned on the fire and cooked himself. (audience laughs)
- gracie, you still haven't told me what i'm supposed to talk to this mr. monaghan about. - well, i'll explain that when he gets here, harry. after all, i want him to know what you're talking about too. hey, not to change the subject, but this must bring back your own college days, harry. did you have a malt shop like this at dartmouth? - oh, yes, yes. everything is very much the same. except the students. these boys and girls seem so much younger than they were when i went to college. - oh, harry, no, they must be older. in fact, when you were in college, these students weren't even born. (audience laughs) - gracie, i still don't know what i'm going to do. - hello, mrs. burns. - oh, won't you join us? - i'll be glad to. - oh, by the way, mr. monaghan, this is mr. rogers, mary's father from pasadena, and now you know. - how do you do, mr. rogers? - i still don't know what's going on. - well, this is the young man who was
- what a horrible situation. - all i did was drive her through the park. - what a terrible trick. - mr. rogers, i acted like a perfect gentleman with your daughter. - i have no daughter. - oh, now, please, don't disown your daughter just because she went out once with this young man. - that's right. - and i'm sure he's willing to give her up and never see her again. - yeah, of course. - oh, hello, mrs. burns. - oh, hello, mary. - [jim] mary, i'm glad you're here. would you please tell your father i was a perfect gentleman? - my father? he's not my father. - oh, now, mary, just because he disowned you, that's no reason for you to disown him. - let me resolve this. my name is harry hugh morton, jr. i am a graduate of dartmouth, a resident of beverly hills and a certified public accountant. and henceforth, if anybody asks me if i can do it, my answer'll be, no, i can't. (audience laughs) - mrs. burns, would you please explain this? - well, ronnie was very upset
and i was trying to get you back. - and i'm coming back. i found out this gentleman has a lot of other girls. and he's not really interested in music. come, mrs. burns. - goodbye, honey, i still think you're very pretty. - [gracie] well, thank you. and i think you're very handsome. (audience laughs) (upbeat music) - well, mary has gone back to ronnie. and i just got a call from ralph that imogene has gone back to him. which makes for a perfectly happy ending except for one thing. we need more show. (audience laughs) what can i do that would fill in a little time? let's see what they've got on the other channel. (suspenseful music)
guess they're filling in time too. (audience laughs) i'll make about four or five phone calls. that ought to be good for a new complication. - so i got your phone call, mr. burns. and i rushed right over. - i know. now, mary, you wait right here. i've got somebody waiting for me in the den. (upbeat music) hello, imogene. - hello, mr. burns. i got your phone call and i rushed right over. - good, ronnie's waiting for you in the garden. and he's absolutely mad about you. - ronnie! but i thought he was going with mary. - oh, no, mary's going with jim monaghan. - well, i was thinking of going back to ralph. - but you can have ronnie. - it's a deal. - good. (audience laughs) - how much cash do i have to pay on this trade-in? - ronnie's waiting. (audience laughs) - oh, hello, mary. - hello, imogene. i didn't expect to see you here. - well, i didn't expect to see you either.
oh, i understand you've been dating jim monoghan. i couldn't be happier. now i can have a clear field with ronnie. - ronnie? - uh-huh, he's crazy about me. i just found about it. - you did? - hello, girls. i just got a call from mr. burns. imogene, how 'bout a big kiss now that we made up? - you're wasting your time, ralph. she's ronnie's girl now. - you're kidding. - no, it's quite true, ralph. ronnie and i love each other dearly. - dearly? why that two-timing sneak. - ralph, i know how you feel. why, i'm heartbroken too. - oh, my car's right outside. and i know a perfect spot on mulholland drive. it's great for curing broken hearts. - you do? - how 'bout it? - oh, i'd love to. - oh, hi, everybody. my dad just phoned me. oh, hi, imogene. (audience laughs) - let's not even wait for mulholland. - i was just gonna say...
i better talk to dad. - you don't have to. i know what it's all about. (audience laughs) - yes, you do know what it's all about. not that i care, but what about you and ralph? - well, you saw what happened. he went off with mary. but doesn't matter as long as you love me. - i do? - well, your father told me so. - oh, well, father knows best. (audience laughs) - well, what are we waiting for? let's take a drive. - yeah, we can go up to mulholland drive and park in back of them and watch them. (audience laughs) well, on second thought, we'll park in front of them. and they can watch us? - mm-hmm. (audience laughs) - well, i've created two new romances that are bound to last. for about an hour. don't leave. i made a few more phone calls.
that must be one of them. come in! - mr. burns? - [george] yeah? - i'm jim monoghan. i got your phone call and rushed right over. - i hear you had a little hard luck with your last two girlfriends. - so i lost five yards. i'll gain 10 tomorrow. (knocking on door) - you might not have to wait that long. come in! - boss, i got your call and rushed right over with sylvia. she's the young lady who wants the job on your television show. - hello, sylvia. - hello, mr. burns. - this is jim monoghan. - hello. - how are you? - mr. von zell. - excuse me. - are you an actress? - yes. - well, i'm majoring in dramatic arts at sc. - [harry] i'm excited to see this girl. not only because i'm fond of her but she's fond of me. she's great. - [george] but harry, harry, go with the lemon, she's listening. - [jim] would you like to go for a ride? - [harry] now, george, as i say, you have to give this girl a part on the show. i personally insist on it. - [sylvia] i'd love to. - and i don't mean a small part. i want you to give her four or five big scenes. 'course, i'll be glad to go over to her house and help her rehearse so you know she's-- - okay, harry, i'm giving sylvia a contract.
sylvia, i'll take you home-- where is sylvia? - she left with a boy 25 years younger than you are who is still older than sylvia. (audience laughs) - how can you do these things? - harry, look-- - george-- - harry, i made a call, and there's a beautiful and talented actress coming over who likes you very much. and wants you to take her to dinner. - oh, well, that's better. - dear, did you call me? - yes, harry would like to take you and your husband to dinner. - oh, wonderful! (audience laughs) - well, there you are. isn't that a nice finish for a show? i gave you four and a half happy endings.
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- there better be or we won't have a routine. - well, i just got a letter from my uncle quentin allen, the famous prison warden. - prison warden? well, how did he get a job like that? - well, he had to start at the bottom and work his way up. - oh, started as an ordinary guard, huh? - no, as ordinary prisoner. - how did he get to be a warden? - well, why not? he had the best qualifications. he served three terms. - oh, that's a warden with a lot of experience. - oh, yes, uncle quentin lives in the prison. and some of the convicts take care of him. they make very good servants, except for certain little things. - such as what? - well, now, the man who cooks for him - yeah. - is fine with everything except roast turkey. - he can't handle that. - no. - no. - because of his past, you see-- - his past? - mm-hmm, he'd been a pickpocket. and after he roasts the turkey, from force of habit, he can't help stealing the stuffings out of it. - out of the turkey? well, i'd fire a fellow like that. - oh, he did for a while. but then the next cook was even worse. - what did he do? - well, he was a safe-cracker.
- sounds like a nice little group of boys he's got there. - of course, he's very strict with visitors when they come. they have to be searched from head to foot. - for weapons. - for luggage. - for luggage? - so they won't sneak in and stay there. - oh, he must have a very popular place. - mm-hmm, but he doesn't believe in coddling the prisoners. - i bet he doesn't. - if a man acts bad, uncle quentin throws him right into solitary. - well, solitary can be pretty rough. - and with eight or nine other men in the same cell, it can even be worse. - eight or nine men together? - if they deserve solitary, they get it. he plays no favorites. - gracie, say goodnight. - goodnight. (audience claps) (upbeat music) - oh, more eggs, ronnie? - no thank you mother, four are enough this morning. - well since you're working
you need your strength and eggs are very healthy. - i know they are. - there's one thing i don't understand. if they're so healthy, why are chickens so anxious to get rid of them? - well, i just think they help people. - oh. - good morning. - hello, dear. - hello, dear. - [ronnie] morning, dad. - how's your job at the store? - it's not much of a job. see, i'm a wrapper. it's good pay, i get a dollar an hour. - oh, speaking of money, dear ... - it shows here that you're married to a very handsome man who's going to turn you down. what happened to the money i gave you yesterday? - well, the very handsome man's beautiful wife spent it. - all the money? - well i was helping ronnie. - doing what? - well it was his first day on the job and i wanted to make sure he had packages to wrap. - i could handle the drapes and the piano stool, but i had a little trouble when mother bought four dozen pencils and insisted on having
- oh, i had a little accident in the store yesterday. i was carrying so many packages i tripped and fell. - well i hope you didn't hurt yourself. - oh no no, i just tore my nylons, it was nothing. - well i'd better be going. goodbye, mother. bye, dad. - goodbye, ronnie! - wait ronnie, i'll help you on with your coat. goodbye, dear. - but you're not leaving. - oh i know, but we've been married so long i only get to kiss you on hello and goodbye. - well some people-- (phone rings) excuse me. hello. - is this the burns residence? - yeah, this is mr. burns. - mr. burns, this is mr. conners, claims adjustor for the wilshire department store. - claims adjuster? anything wrong? - oh no, of course not. your wife was involved in a very minor accident at the store and we're just checking. may i speak to mrs. burns please?
- connors, why didn't you try to settle the claim with mr. burns? - mr. forbes, when you hired me as your adjustor, you got a man who knows the business inside out. men are too cagey; women are easier to handle. - more, uh... - reasonable, yes. now she tripped over a hole in the carpet and that was the store's fault. that was the store's fault and she can sue us for plenty. you just watch me wrap her around my little finger. - gracie, the phone. - oh you're right dear, it's off the hook. i'm just making some pancakes for myself, would you like some? - hello? hello? he hung up on me. i told you men are cagey. - this is bad. - i've got to get through to mrs. burns. - then that phone call was for me. - yes, it was a mr. connors. - hello, mr. connors? were you trying to call me? - mrs. burns?
- mrs. burns, according to a report i have, you had a slight accident in our store yesterday. - yes mr. connors, i fell down. - well we were wondering if you'd mind coming back in today. - oh no thanks, falling down once was enough for awhile. - well let's see if i have the facts correctly. apparently you fell and ruined a pair of nylons, now that was all the damage you suffered, right? right? right? playing it as cagey as her husband, she's not answering. hello? hello? - hello? - mrs. burns, let us concede that you did suffer some injury -- slight injury. would you say that your fall was due to our carpet having a hole in it, or due to it being loose? - well ...
in good condition, that there was no hole in it? this woman is tough. she's not answering again. i have to make her an offer. - hello? - admitting everything, mrs. burns, there's not use letting a case like this run into a lawsuit, now is there? - of course not. - well then so shall we settle for the pair of nylons and a hundred dollars? - couldn't we talk about it later? look, they're getting cold and the butter won't melt on them. - uh, yes mrs. burns, thank you. we'll be over to see you personally in half an hour. we're playing in fast company. - [interior monologue] if i tore a hole in their carpet, i certainly didn't notice it. where am i going to get a hundred dollars to pay them?
- george, i'm desperate, i need some money. - for what? - well that phone call was from the wilshire department store. when i tripped, i made a hole in the carpet, and now they want me to pay for it. - gracie, i'm sure you haven't got that straight. you see what really-- - do i ever get anything wrong? - how big a hole?
a hundred dollar hole be? - well i don't know, (mumbling) for almost a week now. - can i have the money? - i've love to give it to you, but i have all my money tied up in four dozen pencils. - well i'll get it somewhere else. to think i married you and turned down ted montague. - ted montague? i've never heard of him. - how could you? i only met him yesterday. - well you saw what happened. the store wants to pay gracie, but she thinks she has to pay them. you really can't blame gracie for getting things upside down. when she was born the doctor held her right side up. i'm not complaining. i live in a nice house, drive an expensive car, i smoke good cigars. oh yeah, i still send that doctor $25 a week. i'm not worried, supposing the store sues us. i've got a certain kind of policy where i'm covered for everything. do you know that i get $100 a week
i get 200 if i get hit by a car driven by a buffalo. i don't know if that's possible or not. with all those westerns on television, the buffaloes never had it so good. but insurance brings up some unusual cases like this married man who came home late one night and found this strange man's hat on the table in the hall. then he heard the man's voice in another room and he hollered, "come out and fight!" the stranger came out, beat him up, and threw him down the flight of stairs. this poor guy is not going to collect any insurance due to his own carelessness. he was in the wrong apartment. when i was a kid, people didn't take out any health insurance. hundred years ago there wasn't so many things to be sick with. not that i was a kid 100 years ago, but i was still very young. in those days a man could live and grow old and finally die without anything serious ever happening to him.
i once showed gracie a headline in the paper that said man buys $250,000 policy and wife murders him. gracie said, "i don't blame her. "she probably murdered him because "she thought he was too extravagant." oh yes, i also carry insurance against old jokes. trouble is i think my writers are insured against new ones. think i'll turn on my television set. it'll be interesting to see how gracie gets that hundred dollars. - oh blanche, i'm desperate, i need a hundred dollars and george won't give it to me. the reason i need it is because-- - gracie, you don't have to tell me why you need it. you just go on home and i'll bring you the money, i'll get it from harry the way i always do. - oh, by going through his pants pockets. - yeah. (giggles) - blanche, i'm (mumbling)-- oh, good morning, gracie. - good morning, harry. blanche, oh what a disappointment,
- well maybe i can get him to take them off. - oh please! - what were you and gracie putting your 1 1/2 heads together about? - just a minute, you ... you look nice this morning, dear. - blanche, how much are you leading up to? - did you like the waffle i fixed for your breakfast? - it was a triumph. - oh thank you! - i mean a triumph for me to be able to rise from the table after having absorb that lead mass was a notable achievement. - why you ... have a delightful sense of humor, dear. - how much do you want? - you know something else about yourself? - how much? - a hundred dollars? - you've got quite a sense of humor yourself. - oh, but harry it's for gracie! - don't be absurd, my dear, if gracie wants money, she can get it from george. his vaudevillian antics have made him quite wealthy. a sad commentary on popular taste. - look, i know he's loaded, and gracie did ask him for the money, but instead of the hundred dollars
- i have an idea! i will get the money from george. - oooh, he'd never give it to you. - wait until you hear the clever ruse i have in mind. george is extremely avaricious. - why shouldn't i be? my suits are tailor made. - i will tell him of a secret stock on which i have inside information, and he will be eager to let me have a hundred dollars to invest for him. - terrific! what's the stock? - oooh, i'll invent one. let's say amalgamated cuban sugar cane. - oh harry, that's wonderful! you know something, he really deserves this. - yes, to defraud that mercenary scoundrel is only an act of justice. (knocking) - come in! - george, i have a marvelous opportunity for you.
yes, mr. hutchinson. you think that i should buy 200 shares of amalgamated cuban sugar cane? well that's more than i planned on, but my neighbor just got here and i'm sure he'd be willing to get in on this marvelous-- (door slams) he's gone, mr. hutchinson. harry got home faster than he got here. if that's possible. - george knew my plan in advance! shhh! keep your voice down. with that monster next door, it isn't safe to speak above a whisper. - oh i don't believe it! - it's true. (phone rings) i can't imagine how he does it, but he knows everything that's going on in this house.
- mrs. burns? [daughter] sometimes the hallways felt like a giant maze. [mother] jenny didn't feel like going to school, and she slept during the day and was up at night. she seemed irritable all the time. [daughter] it felt like there was a weight on my shoulders. and the weight was really hard to hold up. [mother] one day my daughter was crying, that's when jenny told us she thought about hurting herself. [daughter] then my parents got me treatment.
- yes? - this is mr. forbes over at the wilshire department store and i'm mr. connors, the adjustor. - oh yes, how do you do? my goodns, it's not going to be easy to find nylons your size, come on in. - what was that? - she's trying to knock us off balance. - would you gentlemen like to sit down? - before we start, we'd like you to know that you son is no longer wrapping packages. we've made him a full fledged salesman. - oh, you didn't give him a fair chance. in a few more days he would have been a wonderful wrapper. - always just a step ahead of us. mrs. burns, we hope we can settle this without any legal problems. have you thought about settling for a hundred dollars? - oh please, i can't even discuss that until blanche gets here. - blanche? who is blanche? - she's my friend, and it's not her fault she's late. she didn't expect her husband to come down
but if anybody can get money out of someone, blanche can. - of course. - would you please excuse me? i'll call and see what's delaying her. - look, i'm not supposed to be the expert here, but let's just up the offer and get out of here. - i'm the expert, and you're right. mrs. burns ... - blanche's line is busy. - we've been talking this over and we've decided that a hundred dollars isn't enough. - oh? - what would you say to $300? - 300? that's ridiculous. - i knew it. alright, we'll settle for $500. - oh, you must be joking. - mrs. burns, i -- - please, i can't discuss this any further until blanche gets here. - mrs. burns, you're making this very difficult for us. we'd like to send our doctor, dr. bancroft over to see you for an examination. we want to know whether there are any
- oh, well alright, send him over, but if the poor man is worried about fractures and injuries, he'd be better off having another doctor examine him. - i love this program, i never miss it. - gracie! gracie! listen honey, i still haven't got the hundred, but i'm trying. - oh i'm glad you didn't get it. now you can go back and try for 500. - 500? i'll see what i can do, but that's going to be a real problem. - oh, you think you've got a problem? where am i going to find a pair of nylons size 14? - hello, blanche. - hello, harry. - on my way up to see george. - say harry, listen.
can you help her? - sure, how much? - $500. - blanche, i've got $43 in here. i was going to use it to get my car out of the repair shop. of course gracie's welcome to it, i still got twenty cents for bus fare. - no harry, it's not enough. - blanche, there's only one guy around here with that kind of money, george. - that's wonderful of you were to do this, harry! good luck! - von zell is up trying to borrow the money from george. - i hope he does better than i. - i'm sure he will. (phone rings)
- von zell is on his way up here. now you're in for a real dramatic treat. (knocking) come in. - oh, i wasn't expecting anybody. - george, what's the matter? - oh, it's nothing. what is it, harry? - well i came up here about money. - money? oh, then it's no use pretending. you heard it, huh? - i heard what, george? - well (mumbling) before christmas and i'm ... broke. - broke? you? - thought nobody knew and gracie's been running all over trying to borrow $500 to tide us over. - george, i did know about that, that's why--
i don't know how to thank you. the $500 you're giving me will be able to buy a few christmas presents and have a little tiny tree and a few little silver bells and of course try to keep (a roast) chicken isn't bad. have a few of my close friends, and naturally you'll be one of them, harry, because you made my christmas merry. - george, all i've got is $43. - it's in your hip pocket. - oh, yeah. look, i'll get the rest for you. - thanks. what about the twenty cents you got for fare? - oh yeah. - goodbye, pal. - george. - harry. - boy, there's a man for you.
and yet he's willing to share his miserable little christmas chicken ... with me. wait a minute, how'd he know that was in my hip pocket? (mumbling) bus fare, why that stinker! (knocking) george! you swindled me! hi, i'm leeza gibons with an amazing story about how philips lifeline gives betty white peace of mind and gave my father a second chance at life. daddy is invincible. that's how we want to think about our parents. knowing that dad lives alone, we worry. that's why was so hard for all of us when he had his heart attack. i wasn't feeling well that day. the heart attack hit me, i fell to the floor, and i was trying to crawl back to the bed. of course in excruciating pain. i'm alive today because of philips lifeline.
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- well ronald, how are you getting along with your new job as salesman? - you just gave me my salesbook. - excellent, excellent, you are now promoted to floor walker. - two promotions in one hour? i can't wait to get home and tell my father about this. - never mind your father, tell your mother! -tell your mother! - [ronnie] my mother. - doctor bancroft, i've been expecting you. - good, and now i'd like to get along with the examination. - alright, of course i'm a little new at this, but if you'll take your shirt off i'll do the best i can. - mrs. burns, i'm giving you the examination. - oooh. - according to this report, you tripped as you were leaving the building. how far did you actually fall? - just a floor, how far can you go?
did you hurt your back? - no. - your shoulder? - no. - your head? - of course not, the stockings only came up to here. - let me put it this way. after this happened, did you faint? - why should i faint? i've got lots of stockings. in fact i buy two or three pairs almost every day. - almost every day. - yes, so i won't forget what size i wear. - may i use your phone to make a private call? - of course. there it is with the little numbers around it. (phone rings) hello, connors speaking. - i've just been talking to mrs. burns. - well? - if you can settle for $10,000
- $10,000?! - when she fell, she obviously injured her head. - this time, i have a trick up my sleeve. - look gracie, if you'll let me i can explain-- (doorbell rings) - george, i've just got to have the $500! - gracie, if you let me i can explain this whole thing to you. - oh it's you again. couldn't you come back a little later? - now first i think you should talk with our new claims adjustor. - that's a claims adjustor? - mother, i got three promotions in two hours today. there's another thing i can't understand. what's this about a $10,000 claim? i think it's absurd. - i do too. - so do i. - so do i. - what do you think a fair settlement would be? - well i think a hole in a carpet is worth about $5. - $5!
- oh no no no! i'm supposed to pay you. - why don't we just call the whole thing off? - good, i'll be glad too. - me too! - me too. - aw, isn't my son a wonderful claims adjustor? - the greatest! - oh ronnie, i'm proud of you. well i better go over and tell blanche it's all settled. - well i'd better get back to work. what department am i in, sir? - keep adjusting! - yes, sir! - goodbye, mr. forbes. - goodbye, i hope i haven't caused you too much trouble. - not at all, in fact you gave us a show. - what? - you gave us a show. - i beg your pardon? - you gave us a show! - what? - you ga-- it's over, goodbye, mr. forbes. - goodbye. - goodbye. - [voiceover] appearing on tonight's show - [voiceover] the jack benny program. (applause)
- yes, miss livingstone? - have you seen my emery boards? - oh yes, i put them here in this drawer. here's one. - thank you. - [pauline] you know miss livingstone, it's funny, isn't it? years ago you and i used to work side by side at the may company. now you're in television, working for a big star like jack benny, and i'm your maid. - yeah. can you lend me five dollars till payday? (laughter) - [pauline] here, that's 10 you owe me. (laughter) - oh by the way, pauline, i'm going out so you can have the rest of the day off. - [pauline] oh good! then i can spend the afternoon with my boyfriend sidney. you met him. - yes, but pauline you know this is none of my business, but isn't sidney a little too old for you? - well, he is a little old, but he's very nice. i feel for sorry for him.