tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC November 1, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am PDT
lalah hathaway, and the gendary roots crew. >> questlove: 562, south beach! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh! welcome, welcome, everybody. welcome. please, please -- hot crowd tonight. this is it right here! welcome, everybody. welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." this is it. you're here. you made it. [ cheers and applause ] enjoy the show.
about. of course, everyone is recovering from halloween yesterday. man, oh, man. i haven't seen so many hungover people in costumes since, well, every day in times square. [ cheers and applause ] but this is a lot. but this is nice. i saw that while hosting their final white house halloween party yesterday, first lady michelle obama actually told the kids, hey, candy for everybody. then barack was like, okay, who's that in the michelle obama costume? [ laughter and applause ] candy? meanwhile, republican donor charles koch tweeted a photo of himself dressed up as darth vader for halloween, and bernie sanders responded with a a photo of himself holding a a light saber. [ laughter ] people were like, damn, yoda got old. [ cheers and applause ] no, that's not -- sorry. i meant -- [ yoda impression ] damn, old he got.
yo-duh. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i can't do yo -- i can't do yoda. that's a impression i cannot even come close. >> questlove: damn, old he got. >> jimmy: old -- can you do it? >> questlove: damn, old he -- no, i can't do it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: can you do it, higgins? >> steve: damn. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that sounded like gomer pyle. >> steve: damn, old he got! >> jimmy: damn, man. >> steve: golly! >> jimmy: tariq is the only person that can do it. you can do yoda, right? >> steve: with that lid he can do anything. >> tariq: the only person who can do yoda, tariq is. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's pretty good, actually. >> tariq: damn, old he got. >> jimmy: i don't know. >> steve: whatever. >> jimmy: the big story, you guys, is that the election is just one week from today. i know. i know. i know, i know, i know. so i guess in one week, we'll know if donald trump is our next president or if hillary clinton rigged the election.
[ cheers and applause ] did you see there's a memo from a veteran spy that says vladimir putin has been supporting donald trump for five years. after hearing this, trump said -- [ trump impression ] oh my god, i forgot it was our anniversary. [ laughter ] what do you get for five? is it crystal? i hope it's not china. [ laughter and applause ] let't right now, all eyes are on cleveland for the indians and the cubs in the world series. [ cheers and applause ] how exciting. how exciting is that? but there's another notable team in town, the cleveland browns. they're the only team in the nfl that hasn't won a single game all season. after eight straight losses, they decided to shake up their playbook, yeah. and we got a hold of it. >> steve: are you serious? >> jimmy: some of the new plays, yeah. check these out. first, there's the, everybody
[ laughter and applause ] that could work. >> steve: that works. >> jimmy: just keep going. >> steve: get in your car. >> jimmy: just go get a burger. >> steve: drive home. >> jimmy: yeah, get something to eat. next, there's the, go around the country claiming the games are rigged. oh, that's interesting. [ applause ] then there's the, play from the end of every football movie that always works. [ laughter and applause ] you can't give it to him. he'll never do it! >> steve: it's the 20 yard line! >> jimmy: next up, there's the, pull a tim tebow and try playing baseball. [ applause ] you have to try. try, try and try again. and finally the play, have fbi director james comey publish a a letter vaguely insinuating something was off about the score but never actually say what it is. [ cheers and applause ] could be something. i don't know. guys, listen to this. last night, ryan lochte was eliminated from "dancing with the stars." [ audience aws ] but it sounds like he learned a a lot from his experience on the show.
>> ryan, you said last night that one of the things you learned here is no matter how hard you get knocked down, you get right back up. >> yeah. >> so what did you learn from dancing? >> yeah, definitely that, you know, no matter how hard i get knocked down, i can still get up and keep fighting. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: wait, what? >> jimmy: what did i just say? [ laughter ] if you get knocked down, you get back up. get back up." [ laughter ] that's what i just said. sounds like before they interviewed him, he may have had a whiskey drink, a vodka drink, and a lager drink. [ cheers and applause ] ? i get knocked down but i get up again you're never gonna keep me down ? >> steve: chumbawamba. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: some international news, there are rumors that kim jong-un's wife is pregnant with their second child and you'll know the child is
of looks like a baby. [ laughter and applause ] this is pretty amazing. i read that this month the world's oldest person will turn 117. and she says she eats two raw eggs every day. when asked what she wants for her birthday, she said, a a skillet. [ laughter and applause ] you don't have a -- doesn't have a frying pan. >> steve: no. >> jimmy: she's been asking for a pan since 1916. >> steve: not this year? all right. >> jimmy: listen to this. i read that there's been a a sharp increase in pets accidentally getting high across the country as more states sell legal edibles. so pets are getting high. they're being exposed to marijuana. let's see what a few of them had to say about this. this first pet said, oh my god, this feels like you have a a million fingers right now. [ laughter and applause ]
you and me are going to amsterdam. [ cheers and applause ] this next pet said, dude, my hands look so tiny right now. they're like -- [ laughter and applause ] and finally, this last pet said, am i smiling? i feel like i'm smiling. is my face smiling? [ laughter and applause ] we have a great show tonight! [ cheers and applause ] give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ?? ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow! fantastic! thank you very much! what a great crowd. oh, my gosh. we -- what a fun show we got tonight. [ cheers and applause ] whoa, thank you very much. a great week of shows ahead. tomorrow night, vince vaughn will be here tomorrow night.
are you guys standing? what's going on? that was weird. >> we love you! >> steve: they get knocked down, they get back up again. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: ryan lochte. in honor of ryan lochte. yeah. very excited. that's never happened before. they were like, yeah, the monologue's over! [ cheers and applause ] that's it. yeah. that's the show. >> steve: yeah, we did it. >> jimmy: doesn't get better than that. love you guys. later this week, benedict cumberbatch will be here. [ cheers and applause ] dana carvey, and alicia keys will all be joining us. [ cheers and applause ] but first we have a fantastic show tonight. we love it when she stops by. she is a good friend of the show, the one and only whoopi goldberg is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] always has something cool going on. >> steve: love whoopi. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, love her. plus he's one of the stars of the very funny show, "life in pieces," zoe lister-jones is dropping in.
and we have music from lecrae, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] fantastic. guys, we love netflix here on the show. well, everyone here loves netflix, right? what i especially love is their recommendations section. you know, this is a suggested movie or tv show based on things that you've already watched. it's a great way to check out some more obscure titles that you may not have heard of. i'll show you what i mean in a a segment we call, "tonight show netflix picks." ? tonight show netflix picks ? >> jimmy: first up, if you like the movie "cellular" and the movie "great balls of fire" netflix says you might also like the samsung galaxy note 7. [ laughter and applause ] you see what i'm saying? >> steve: i see, they see you like one thing -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> steve: you like another thing, you might like -- >> jimmy: let me give you another example, if you like the movie "up in the air" -- >> steve: sure. >> jimmy: and the movie "misery," netflix says you might also like flying southwest airlines. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: that's not even a
it's not even a movie, no. it's an experience, yeah. >> steve: start branching out. >> jimmy: yeah, technology's unbelievable. >> steve: it's nuts. >> jimmy: check out this next one, if you like the show "drunk history" and the show "the voice," netflix says you might like karaoke. >> steve: wow. [ cheers and applause ] they're branching out. >> jimmy: it's fun. get out there. next if you like the movie "swept away" and the movie "fantastic beasts and where to find them," netflix says you might also like donald trump's hair. [ applause ] i have the most fantastic beasts. and trust me, i know where to find them. [ laughter ] trust me! next, if you like the movie "swingers" and the movie "gravity," netflix says you may also like going to a nude beach. wait a second. that's not -- >> steve: hold it. >> jimmy: i don't know. >> steve: you might like it. >> jimmy: well, if i like both the other ones. >> steve: yeah. nude it up. >> jimmy: and finally, if you like the movie "friday" and the show "saturday night live" and
netflix says you might also like the weeknd. well, there you go. i do. i like the weeknd. that's all for "tonight show netflix picks." we'll be right back with "audience suggestion box." really fun. [ cheers and applause ] ?? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? (announcer vo) the new pixel phone by google. only on verizon. okay, google, show me korean restaurants in boulder.
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i'm catherine cortez masto and i approve this message. i don't know what i said, ahh, i don't remember. narrator: and joe heck says i have "high hopes we'll see donald trump become president." trump: you know, you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever. narrator: heck says he "completely supports" trump. i love war in a certain way. narrator: and heck? reporter: do you trust him having his finger
heck: i do. reporter: why do you say
that? heck: why wouldn't i? narrator: donald trump and joe heck. wrong for nevada. narrator: the target... seniors. danny tarkanian set up thirteen fake charities that preyed on vulnerable seniors... fronts for telemarketing schemes. seniors lost millions from the scams danny tarkanian helped set up. jacky rosen has always led with integrity. in congress, jacky rosen will
jacky rosen: i'm jacky rosen and i approved this message. ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh. thank you, roots. welcome back, everybody. guys, as you already know, we are always striving to get better here at "the tonight show." ?? ? harder better faster stronger ? [ cheers and applause ] but before every show, we put out a suggestion box right outside the doors up there. yep. yeah, exactly. yeah. and we want the audience to put in the suggestions, things that you, give us feedback about the show, things that you guys want to see us do, things like that so tonight, let's look inside the audience suggestion box. ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and i appreciate
>> jimmy: it's really nice of the audience to do that. >> steve: part of the system. >> jimmy: yeah, this is cool. >> steve: what's in there? >> jimmy: some suggestions. [ laughter ] >> steve: what's the first one? >> jimmy: the first one -- thank you. thank you for your help. >> steve: you got it? you got it? you sure? thank you, buddy. >> steve: what's that? you got it? you got that first suggestion. outstanding. yeah, i'm good. >> jimmy: first one is from greg hunter. greg here? perfect. [ light laughter ] >> steve: real people in the audience. >> jimmy: at one time were here. not tonight's audience but eventually, at one point, they were an audience. greg hunter says, "hey, jimmy, do you ever snap your fingers to make something change?" yeah, i do that all the time. it's pretty fun. i'll show you. let me change my mug here. ?? yeah. see? it's fun. you want to give it a try, quest? >> questlove: yeah, sure, i'll try it. okay.
[ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeha, cool. anyone can do it. how about you, higgins? >> steve: sure. ?? [ applause ] [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: what is going on? this is a great suggestion. hey, jimmy, pandas were just taken off the endangered species list, the nba season just started, and the election is coming up. is there any way you can combine those three things? in fact, i think we can. here to dunk a basketball over life size cutouts of hillary clinton and donald trump is our very own hashtag the panda, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ??
hashtag! are you very excited about this? yeah, yeah, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] okay. hashtag, when you're ready. go for it! [ drumroll ] be careful. [ cheers and applause ] ?? oh, my gosh. oh! ?? [ laughter ] ?? ?? ?? [ cheers and applause ] dunk a basketball. he must be -- he looked like he was injured or something. he fell down.
?? can't do anymore. [ cheers and applause ] he's doing stanky leg. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: he's doing the stanky leg. ? do the stanky leg do the stanky leg do the stanky leg do the stanky leg ? what is he doing? no, he -- he doesn't want to do it anymore. he's exhausted. >> steve: he's running out of oxygen. >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: he's running out of oxygen. >> jimmy: no, sorry, sorry. all right. ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. that's enough. that's good. poor guy. this one's from russ altman. >> steve: oh, my gosh, russ. >> jimmy: you know him? >> steve: old buddy of mine. old buddy of mine. >> jimmy: jimmy, i love so many things about the fall. it's hard to keep track of them. could you put them all into one song? well, i don't think i can do that, but i know someone who can. tariq, you want to give it a
?? ? last summer was a scorcher it went on forever it was torture but autumn is the time to ? ? support your local farms by going apple picking at the orchard we can pose for ? ? the holiday portraits with the scarecrows hangin' at the doorstep getting chilly out ? ? keep your door shut tight wear a sweater and boot when you go outside wife thirsty for ? ? something nice i say lattes with the pumpkin spice i'd rather do that than ? ? look all lame with muddle oue i mean it's almost ? ? thanksgiving again word side dish stuffing in a ? ? dead bird pull it from the oven and it gets served if i take a nap ? ? don't get scared because -- [ unintelligble ] it was halloween then i wake up in the ? ? morning it was all a dream and jimmy making fun of me i'm human and it's ? ? only one of me ? now i say hold up yo ? ??
>> jimmy: oh, that's how you do it. that's how you do it. human. he's only human. yeah. yeah. >> there's only one of me. >> jimmy: unbelievable. i don't know how you do that, man. tariq trotter right there from the roots. [ cheers and applause ] amazing. absolutely amazing. >> you're welcome. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. this one's from corey pullman. hey, jimmy, we never really get to see your socks on the show. what kind of socks are you wearing today? that's a good question. today, actually, i'm wearing some plain black socks. [ laughter and applause ] just normal -- normal variety that you just probably get at the store or whatever. [ light laughter ] >> steve: a lot of production value. >> jimmy: last summer was
>> steve: who's this one from? >> jimmy: it's from mike ronaldo. hey, jimmy, i heard don francisco from "sabado gigante" is now on telemundo doing a show on sunday nights titled, "don francisco te invita." you should have him on your show. i mean i love don francisco. he's a legend. i'd love to have him on, yeah. [ cheers and applause ] but unfortunately, there's no way to get him here right now. [ audience aws ] i'm sorry. well, there is one way. song. i can give it a try. [ cheers and applause ] ?? ? to all the girls i've loved before who travel in an out my door
? i dedicate this song to all the girls i've loved before ? >> jimmy: ladies and gentlemen, don francisco. [ cheers and applause ] ? to all the girls i once caressed may i say i've blessed the best ? [ cheers ] for helping me to grow owe a lot i know ? ? to all gi before the winds of change are blowing every time i try to say ? ? the winds of change continue blowing and they just
? to all the girls we loved before ? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: give it up, don francisco, everyone! >> thank you, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is all the time we have for audience suggestion box. stick around. we'll be right back with whoopi goldberg! [ cheers and applause ] ?? ? ? what? is he gone?? finally, i thought he'd never leave... tv character: why are you texting my man at 2 a.m.? no... if you want someone to leave you alone, you pretend like you're sleeping. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more
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[cricket sound] richard. didn't think you were going to make it. hey sorry about last weekend, i don't know what got into me. well forgive and forget... kind of. i don't think so! do you like nuts? i'm hillary clinton and i approve this message. i could stand in the middle of 5th avenue and shoot somebody and i wouldn't lose
any voters, okay? and you can tell them to go f**? themselves. you know you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever. you gotta see this, i don't know, i don't remember.
?? ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, welcome back! >> that's right! >> jimmy: we love you. welcome back. >> thank you. >> jimmy: they love you. i love your sweater! >> thank you. thank you! [ cheers and applause ] i brought you a plateful of brown men. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what? you always bring something delicious. i can smell them. >> these are, for me, the best gingerbread men anywhere. i love a gingerbread man. >> jimmy: i got try.
>> jimmy: it'd be, like, soft. >> yeah. this is like the right kind of gingerbread. >> jimmy: yeah, i always grew up, i had, like, hard as a a rock. >> yeah, no. [ laughter ] >> this is -- >> jimmy: ginger brittle. >> this is ginger -- yeah! yeah, yeah! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: like, ginger brittle cookie. >> now, this is the gingerbread man that's like, "hey, baby." [ laughter ] you like that? >> jimmy: i like that. >> "come on. dunk me in some tea." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: mmm. >> yeah, baby. >> jimmy: oh, that's delicious. >> uh-huh. hey, roots. >> jimmy: and what is this? >> you want some men? yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: come here. come here. some for the roots. >> ginger bread -- oh, yeah. >> jimmy: now, these are delicious. ?? >> mm-hmm. ?? >> jimmy: oh, yeah. cookies, cookies. get your cookie, uh. get your cookie. uh, uh. uh, uh, uh. >> mmm. >> jimmy: oh, man. [ cheers and applause ] get your cookie on. did we say where -- where'd you get them from? >> these are from wonderland bakery in los angeles. >> jimmy: are they really? >> and i've been working with them for a while because i -- i like gingerbread cookie that takes the way it's supposed to taste, not too sweet, not too
>> jimmy: no. >> it's just right. >> jimmy: oh, these are delicious. >> i mean, i love these guys. i've been doing them for a a long -- not all of them. [ cheers ] but i've been doing them for a a while. you got to be careful. >> jimmy: yeah, i know you got to be a little careful. yeah, yeah, yeah. >> because sometimes, it sounds like you're bragging, you know? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but it's a good way to kick off the holiday season. >> yes, well, it is early, baby. it is early. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you know, i don't really like doing all of this before thanksgiving because thanksgiving -- i mean, halloween, and then into the thanksgiving, and then the thanksgiving day parade, and then santa comes, and that's the beginninof i don't want to hear the music. i don't want to -- but -- >> jimmy: it's too soon. >> it's too soon, but i'm -- you know, i'm hear selling my sweaters. >> jimmy: yeah, you -- [ laughter ] you got to do what you have to do. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> you got to do what you got to do. >> jimmy: i love that you got a a little jingle going on. >> oh yeah. you know. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> they made me take the tassels off. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i love these sweaters.
>> yes. >> jimmy: look at this. i like this one. [ audience aws ] >> this is a christmas tree skirt sweater. >> jimmy: are you kidding me? how fun is this? >> and so, i just -- because i love a christmas tree skirt down at the bottom, so, i created one with arms. [ laughter ] so, you can wear it. >> jimmy: but it's genius. [ cheers and applause ] >> so, these -- this is my ugly christmas sweater. >> jimmy: everyone's wearing them around the office, and they're super cute. >> they're cute, and they're comfortable, and they're nice. >> jimmy: but they're good quality. >> and they're good quality. >> jimmy: because, you know, i like a good, crazy holiday sweater. >> yeah! >> jimmy: but they make them so much now, they l >> jimmy: they're kind of just -- they're just painted on. >> yeah, i have to be able to wear it myself. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i have to be able to feel myself up, so -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you know? a lot of us have different religions and all, our world. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i just felt like, i never see a good hanukkah sweater. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you don't see one. >> no, you don't see good hanukkah sweaters. >> jimmy: you don't see a good hanukkah sweater. >> so that's my -- >> jimmy: now you got one. >> so that's my hanukkah sweater. [ cheers and applause ]
mean what things have you designed in the past? have you ever designed -- >> i did a bedding line. i did sheets because i love -- i love all that stuff. >> jimmy: yeah, i hear you. >> i love really interesting stuff, and i don't like to be bored, not in bed, not on my feet, nowhere. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so, i just wanted something that would make people smile because, you know, this has been a couple of hard years. it's been a couple of hard years. >> jimmy: yeah. >> all kinds of stuff happening and stuff, but i just feel like somewhere there should be a a smile. >> jimmy: yeah. >> somewhere, somebody should just go, "damn, yeah, it's the holidays. come on, fool." >> jimmy: "let's just laugh." >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, let's just laugh. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: have a good time. >> yeah, we need it. >> jimmy: bring joy and make each other laugh, things that should happen. >> yeah. i'm tired of people yelling and screaming and being nasty, and i just think it's time for just some smiles. so, this is one of my favorites. this might be my favorite -- >> jimmy: i want to try -- i'll try this one on. >> because i have -- [ cheers and applause ] uh oh. let me turn away. [ cheers and applause ] let me turn away.
[ cheers and applause ] i know you -- i know you didn't want a a stripper for -- i -- i couldn't strip. >> wow. >> jimmy: i'm just so embarrassed. [ laughter ] it's your birthday. i don't even know if they say that. i just -- [ laughter ] >> well -- >> jimmy: do they say any of that? >> it's two weeks away. i don't know. >> jimmy: i don't know. >> nobody ever sent me a a stripper. i think it's not a good thing. >> jimmy: no. you don't want me to be sent. you'd be so disappointed, disgusted. >> what i'm not -- [ laughter ] it doesn't matter. >> jimmy: you'd be, "hey, like, put it back on." >> yeah, i'd just be like, "put that up and put it over there!" [ laughter ] you know, "roll it up. do whatever you need to do. tuck it in your pocket." anyway -- [ laughter ] yeah. [ laughter ] yeah. >> now, this is -- this is a -- this is a charlie brown sweater. [ cheers and applause ] and i love it because -- [ cheers and applause ] so, now, you see on the -- on the back -- >> jimmy: i feel like one of the models on "price is right." [ laughter ] >> it's frightening. it's frightening how well you do this. >> jimmy: thank you. >> turn around. so, on the back is the tree
that's the tree we all see, but the way the tree sees itself is like this. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: can we dim the lights a little bit? get the full effect? [ cheers and applause ] come on. let's have a gingerbread cookie and think about it. whoopi goldberg, everybody! go pick up a holiday sweater -- [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: at lord and taylor and hudson's bay. >> that's right. >> jimmy: zoe lister-jones joins us after the break. sticou [ cheers and applause ]
[burke] at farmers, we've seen almost everything, so we know how to cover almost anything. even a rodent ride-along. [dad] alright, buddy, don't forget anything! [kid] i won't, dad... [captain rod] happy tuesday morning! captain rod here. it's pretty hairy out on the interstate.traffic is literally crawling, but there is some movement on the eastside overpass. getting word of another collision. talk to farmers. we know a thing or two because we've seen a thing or two.
?? one smart choice leads to the next. ?? the new 2017 ford fusion is here. it's the beauty of a well-made choice. ?? "she's a slob." "she ate like a pig." , and "fat pigs." but congressman crescent hardy said he'd support donald trump 100%. nevada, there's a better choice: ruben kihuen. kihuen pushed to crack down on employers who pay women less than men. and kihuen will always protect a woman's right to choose. ruben kihuen for nevada.
with all of the shenanigans danny tarkanian's pulled in nevada -- helping set up fake charities used to scam nevada seniors, failing to pay thousands in property taxes, losing $17 million in a failed development scheme, then sticking taxpayers with the bill -- imagine the shenanigans tarkanian would pull it's why we can't afford tarkanian
in congress, ever.
?? [ cheers and applause ] oh, zoe! welcome back to the show. thank you so much for coming back. >> thank you for having me. >> jimmy: i love having you. you're a new york city girl, right? aren't you? >> i am. i was raised the brooklyn. >> jimmy: brooklyn? absolutely. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah! >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] yeah, thank you, yeah. we're brooklyn. >> jimmy: do you go back to brooklhe both my parents are still there. it's funny, though, coming back to brooklyn now. like, brooklyn now is very different than the brooklyn i grew up in. like, you know, brooklyn in the '80s was, like, it was legit scary. like, there's no, there was no, like, beating around the bush. it was pretty rough and tumble. brooklyn now is fancy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's -- >> fancy. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> it feels to me a little bit like -- you know what it feels like? it feels like hipster "westworld." [ laughter ]
it's like a theme park where, like, lena dunhamm is just, like, pooping out hipsters on to bedford avenue. [ laughter ] um, you know, but my parents were the og hipsters. >> jimmy: they were, yeah. >> yeah. >> jimmy: they've just been there forever. >> they've been there forever. >> jimmy: yeah. >> they've just been -- yeah. >> jimmy: what kind of kid were you? >> you know, i walked to the beat of my own drum, for sure. i shaved my head when i was 12. >> jimmy: did you really? >> i did. i didn't shave it, actually. my mom took me to, like, a a japanese hair artist. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and what is a hair artist? i've never even heard of this. >> um, you know, he just takes >> jimmy: yeah. >> and so, instead of, like, using a buzzer to shave my head, he meticulously used scissors for the whole thing. it took, like, 17 hours. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i ended just looking like i lost a dare. i didn't really look -- >> jimmy: you have a photo of you as a kid. [ cheers ] >> okay. yeah. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. >> jimmy: no, that's cute. >> yeah. so, that's hair artistry. >> jimmy: that's hair artistry, yeah, at its best, yeah. >> that's hair artistry at work. and i would wear, i would,
suits. >> jimmy: that's, that's cute. are you kidding me? >> my mom took me to mexico, and everyone would be like, "oh, nino." like, "cute little boy." and my mom would be like, "no, no, no, nina." and they'd be like, "no, no, nino." [ laughter ] they thought we didn't speak spanish. >> jimmy: you don't know how to speak spanish. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: that's genius. that's brilliant. but now, you live in l.a., though. this is right? >> i do. >> jimmy: you have to for the tv show. >> i do. i have to live in l.a. now. i've become an l.a.-vangelist. but, it is ironic because, like, my mom used to take me to the country growing up. to, like, show me what grass looks like. and, like, so i could, like, smell air that wasn't just, like, full of garbage. [ laughter ] but, but, now i, like, kind of live in the suburbs, and growing up, i found the suburbs and the country very scary. >> jimmy: have you gotten scared just living in the suburbs? >> oh, i'm terrified. >> jimmy: yeah. >> but i'm terrified in general just because i'm a jewish new yorker by blood. [ laughter ] but, i'm more terrified now that i live in suburbs, and i
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, wait. don't say that. >> it is. well, i don't mean to, i don't mean to invite that, but it's all glass. [ laughter ] it's all glass. >> jimmy: i've seen this movie, yeah. >> yeah, i know. we've all seen this movie, yeah. >> jimmy: all glass, yeah. >> so, yeah, it's all glass, and so, of course, like, the second we moved in, i was like, "we need an alarm system." >> jimmy: yes. >> and i made my husband get a a baseball bat to keep next to the bed because you can take the girl out of brooklyn. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: everyone's got a a baseball bat. >> but you can't take brooklyn out of the girl. >> jimmy: exactly. >> so, he's got the bat, and, like, one of our first nig middle of the night was like, "front door open. front door open." it sounds so gentle, too, when it's like you're about to be murdered. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: speaking of the alarms, that's crazy. >> they speak to you, and they're very gentle, lovely women. [ laughter ] and, so she told me the front door was open, and so, i, like, of course, like, fully peed myself. [ laughter ] i mean -- >> jimmy: "get the bat, honey!" >> i did. i was like, "get the bat and go downstairs." which is such a douche move in retrospect as a wife, like, to
so, he, like -- he takes the bat. he does. he's a good husband. he takes the bat, and he goes, he starts, like, creeping down the stairs. and i stood at the top of the stairs, and of course, like, i saw our lives flash before my eyes. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i was, like, so panicked, and then suddenly, i figured out what i needed to do to save us. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> like, my brooklyn survival instinct kicked in, and i said out loud -- hold on, i feel like, will you close your eyes for this? i want you to, like, be there with me. >> jimmy: okay, i -- >> just, like, i want to immerse you in my experience. >> jimmy: so, what you did, you yelled and -- >> so, i'm at the -- >> jimmy: you yell and just make sure we hear it, yeah. >> okay, okay. >> jimmy: yeah, and i'll close my eyes. >> okay, okay. >> jimmy: i'm an intruder. >> okay, ready? so, so, my husband's creeping down the stairs, has the baseball bat. i'm at the top of the stairs. i figure out what i need to say to save our lives, and i say, "do you want to come upstairs and play with me?" [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: what? it sounds like an old chain-smoking lady. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: "would you like to come upstairs and play with me?" [ laughter and applause ] "i need you to come back upstairs, and it's time to go play now, honey." [ laughter ] i'm so happy you have an alarm system. i want to say about your show, congrats, season two. >> thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: "life in pieces" is on thursdays at 9:30. >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: moved nights, and our pal, colan >> love, love. >> jimmy: and you watched the season premier with him in brooklyn? >> yes, we watched it in brooklyn, him and our other costar, angelique cabral, i inveted them to my mom's house in brooklyn. >> jimmy: that's cool. >> they came. my mom gave them scotch in heros of the torah glassware, which is every glass has a a rabbi, a different rabbi and you can trade them for fun if you want. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i love these glasses. >> yeah, they're pretty outrageous, and we watched -- and, yeah, it was super fun. >> jimmy: is it fun to watch it with your mom?
mom, yeah. she has a lot of what they call, "naches." it means, like, pride. it's so jewish tonight, you guys. i'm usually not this jewish. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: come on. you've got to be proud of this little kid right here. c'mon. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: zoe lister-jones, "life in pieces," airs thursdays at 9:30 p.m. on cbs. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with music from lecrae. stick around, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ?? i struggle with bipolar depression, and it's tough. it leaves me feeling sad and empty. it makes it hard to be there for the people i love. so i talked to my doctor and she prescribed latuda. there are many forms of depression. latuda is fda approved to treat bipolar depression which is different from other types of depression. in clinical studies,
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? hopeless i just wanted it to end people stealing money from me man ? ? i swear i thought that we was friends and i was so depressed i was such a mess ? ? i couldn't shake it off another murder on the television man somebody go ? ? turn it off i spoke my mind i got attacked for it thought these people had ? ? my backboard then they telling me i asked for it i guess i'm just another ? ? black boy and then they killed tamir rice and they just go on with ? ? they life they telling me shut up talking about it like i should just talk ? ? about christ but the truth is i started to doubt god i started to question ? ? my purpose i started to act out i ain't wanna sign another autograph ? ? or give a fake smile doctors told me that my man died i almost had a breakdown ? ? so tell depression it can fly away tell my doubts that they can die today ? ? imma catch me a wave sail away can't stop me now tell depression it can ? ? fly away tell my doubts that they can die today imma catch me a wave ?
hey all those feelings of ? ? depression and doubt you gotta tell them go away you've gotta say ? ? get out the way and let them know you can't stop me now and you throw up both ? ? hands wave bye and then you sail away you've gotta ride away let them know ? ? you can't stop me now and recently i found a peace to be everything that i was ? ? meant to be this my identity this what he give to me this what i'm made to be ? ? my daddy still on that crack and he might never come back but i still love the man ? ? i don't judge the man i could be on that track i'm glad that jesus ain't american ? ? and that's the reason why i care again people started praying for me and homies telling me ? ? i was being arrogant i quit popping them pills
for the death and blood that we spill so tell depression ? ? it can fly away tell my doubts that they can die today imma catch me a wave ? ? sail away can't stop me now tell depression it can fly away ? ? tell my doubts that they can die today imma catch me a wave sail away ? ? can't stop me now you gotta tell them go away you gotta say get out the way and let them kno ? can't stop me now you grow up on past ways and then you run away got away ? ? got away got away got away man you can't stop me now ? ? you can't stop me now you can't stop me now no no you can't stop me now yu can't stop me now ? ? you can't stop me now no you can't stop me now you can't stop me now
?? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to whoopi goldberg, zoe lister-jones, don francisco, lecrae, lalah hathaway. [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, guys. thank you. [ cheers and applause ]
?? [ cheers and applause ] ?? >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- common, star of "better things", actress pamela adlon, music from john prine with iris dement, featuring the 8g band with hannah welton. ?? [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. the 2016 presidential election is in exactly one week. one weak republican and one weak democrat.