tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC January 1, 2016 1:33am-2:33am CST
pharmaceutical ceo who once tried to raise the price of an hiv medication by 5,000%, has been arrested on security fraud charges. it's also the first time the fbi has used someone's face as evidence. [ laughter ] oh, yeah. that dude's guilty. [ laughter ] shkreli's bail was set at $100,000, then raised to $50 million. [ laughter ] the bernie sanders campaign announced today that it has received more than 2 million individual contributions. to a guy named bernie is finally okay again. [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] we're back. the bernies are back! warren buffett, yesterday, joined hillary clinton at a rally and tried to drum up support for a tax increase on people making over $1 million a year. chris christie also showed up and reportedly said, "oh,
[ laughter and applause ] no, i'm gonna go. i'm gonna go. [ laughter ] the new spending bill in congress includes a provision that would lift the current ban on people from sledding in front of the capitol building during winter. the provision is being referred to as joe's law. [ laughter ] i just think people wanna get out there! [ applause ] rapper azealia banks was arrested last night after attacking a female security guard at a manhattan club and reportedly biting the woman's breast. onlookers say the situation went from badado worse to slightly better -- [ laughter ] and then super, super bad. [ light laughter ] congress, this weekend, ended the federal government's ban on medical marijuana. good news for people with glaucoma, as well as people with "glaucoma." [ laughter ]
circulated online,e,kea has been forced to shoot down rumors that one of their tables contains swastika imagery. it didn't help that their latest catalog is titled "mein couch." [ laughter and applause ] this is a weird -- a company has developed a new line of earthquake-p-pof beds that have collapsible mattresses that automatically drops people into a fortified box in the event of an emergency. that way you'll be perfectly safe trapped inside a box screaming your balls off. [ laughter and applause ] the rock 'n roll hall of fame has announced that the rap group nwa is one of its 2016 inductees. for those of you who don't know, nwa stands for [ bleep ] tude.
"chichi," which aims to help women shop for bras by having them place their smartphone between their breasts and let the software determine the proper cup size. there's also a male equivalent. 's called snapchat. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and finally, according to a new study, yonkers, new york, is the worst place in the country to be single. so if you're single in yonkers, you'll just have to keep yonkin' it. [ laughter ] we have a grgrt show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] yonkin' it? how dare me. they are two of my dear friends. they are hosting "saturday night live" this weekend. they're also starring together in "sisters," a film which opens friday. tina fey and amy poehler -- [ cheers and applause ] are on the show tonight! and they will be joined bybyhe cast o o"sisters" which cludes, maya rudolph,
and ike barinholtz! [ cheers and applause ] it's gonna be a fantastic night with those six. now, before we get to that, these days, slang terms are evolving so fast, that sometimes it is hard to keep up. so we here at "late night" decided to givivyou a little primer in a segment we're calling "seth explains teen slang." [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our first slang term is "squad." some of you may have heard the term "squad" at a party or on taylor swift's instagram. so what does it mean? well, it's actually a noun meaning, a group of people you always hang out with. for example, christie is one of mono and we had to kick her out of the squad. [ light laughter ] now that's a term you've probably heard before, but there are some new terms that are just starting to become popular. this one comes just in time for christmas. it's "mistle-ho." and let's see what it means. someone at a holiday party who tries to make out with you when they're standing underneath anythingng
let's use e in a sentence. look who's making out underneath the exit sign again. shayla is such a mistle-ho. [ lit laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] moving on, it's "fedora the explorer." let's see what it means. a hipster from brooklyn who is lost in manhattan. [ laughter ] let's use it in a seseence. i saw some dude on an antique bicycle in times square selling home-made pickles. #fedoratheexplorer. [ laughter and applause ] very helpful. very good one to have in your back pocket. next up, it's "cvs receipt." let's see the definition. it means, one of your friends' stories that goes on way too long. for example,e,aylee told me after 15 minutes, because her story was a total cvs receipt. [ light laughter ] moving on, it's "santa." this is a guy you swear you hooked up with last night, but now the only evidence he was
cookies are gone. [ laughter ] let's see it in a sentence. dave is a total santa, and t t only present he leftfte was in the toilet. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] all right. that was a unanimous. [ laughter ] now the new "star wars" movie comes out this weekend, and because of that a lot of teens are starting to use "star wars" related slang term. we all know "gay-dar," which is the ability to tell if someone's gay.y. ll, this is "vay-dar." it's the term fofothe ability to tell if someone is evil. for example, my vay-dar went off the minute cindy walked into the party and then later i saw her choking beth in the kitchen. [ laughter ] moving on, it's "c-3po." and let's see the definition. when you can't tell if someone is gay or just british. [ laughter ] [ apapause ] let's use it in a sentence. yo, benedict cumberbatch just got married to a woman? dude is c-3po.
next, it's "the force awakens." this is when you finally meet a good guy after a trilogy of duds. let's see it in a sentence. my last three boyfriends were a c-3po, a santa and a fedora the explorer.. thank god i met steve. #theforceawakens. [ cheers and applause ] and now let's see our final term. it's "char jar binks." and let's see what it means. it's someone who annoys people at a party by constantly looking for a charger. let's see it in a sentence. connor keeps asking people if they have ananphone 4. #charjarbinks. #he'sagottacheckhise-mail. that is "seth explains teen slang." we'll be right back with tina fey and amy poehler. [ cheers and applause ] olay regenerist renews from within, plumumng surface cells
our research shows that people really like how with directv you could put tvs anywhere and not see cable wires and boxes s every room. why n't we get people to just say cables, schmables? hold on, hold on, i really like what you're doing there because if we just add "schma" in front of something, it just doesn't seem like a big deal. boxes, schmoxes. there you go. cold sore, cold schmore. yes! scotch, schmotch! what? i'll take some of that schmotch! alright. schmank you! (vo) g g rid of cable and upgrade to directv.
[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. give it up for the 8g band over there! [ cheers and applause ] lovely to see you guys. also, he's been here all week sitting in with the 8g band on drums, from nine inch nails, ilan rubin is in the house. [ cheers and applause ] and be sure to check out the latest release from ilan's band, the new regime. it's called "exhibit b" and it's out now. thank you so much for being here, ilan. >> thank you. >> seth: and also, welcome back, fred. it's so lovely to have you back at the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] a lot of our friends are here
>> seth: a lot of our old friends. >> fred: yeah. >> seth: do you stay in touch with any them? >> fred: i do. >> seth: okay, that's good. all of them? >> fred: yes. >> seth: all right. [ laughter ] you know our first two guests from "30 rock" and "parks & recreation", as well as their work together on "saturday night live", which they're co-hosting this weekend with musical guest bruce springsteen. they're also starring in the very funny new movie "sisters", which opens december 18th. let's take a look. >> what do you think, brayla? >> that looks amazing on you. >> i never met a brayla before. >> i know like three. >> oh, so you're trending. god bless. you know, it's a lot of underteet, but i think i'm getting away with it. >> also, it's, um, on backwards. [ laughter ] >> you think? how's it going in there? >> i don't get this dress. one of my apples keeps rolling out of the bag.
with the fringe. >> you're gonna have to rock a thong with this. >> oh, no, i don't wear thongs. i have a very fussy taint. >> you have to build up a callus, right brayla? >> tt looks amazing on you. [ laughter ] >> seth: please welcome to the show, my very good friends, tina fey and amy poehler. [ cheers and applause ] >> hi! >> seth: so happy to have you guys here. >> thank you, seth. >> seth: it's so good to have you in the building hosting "snl." you guys have each hosted on your own. first time hosting together. how is it going so far? >> it's good! >> swimmingly. >> grere. >> we're talking at the same time. >> we do things together. [ light laughter ] >> seth: oh, wow.
>> it's double the fun. >> seth: is it double the fun? >> yeah, it's really fun so far. we're at a point now where we have the show about 9 to 10% ready. [ laughter ] >> seth: that's great. it's late on thursday, so it's really right around the corner. >> it's good. >> seth: but, now having done "snl", you know not to have e y panic or stress. [ laughter ] you know that just everything happens. it's like elves do it. >> the elves come and do it. >> it's going to be so great! [ laughter ] >> seth: now before we talk about "sisters," i feel like this might have been one of the inspirations. because you played the bush sisters -- you played the bush girls in 2005. >> yes, twins. [ laughter ] >> we kind of did look like them, too. >> yeah. >> i think. >> seth: yeah. >> and they don't look like each other. >> seth: no, that's perfect. because this is actually like the two single beds. this is actually in the film "sisters," because you -- tell us about the movie real quick. >> we sleep in two single beds. >> seth: oh, keep going. [ laughter ] >> no, it's a movie about -- we're grown women who are kind of disconnected and not very content in our lives, ananour adult parents decide to sell our
and we come back to throw one last rager, the party that we never had in high school. and in doing so, learn stuff about ourselves. >> we learn things about ourselves and we grow! [ laughter ] >> seth: oh, that's good. >> can't hear myself! >> seth: because audiences want to see that. grow and change! >> you're talking too loud. [ laughter ] >> i don't think so! >> seth: you p py -- you're sort of the buttoned up sister. >> yep. >> seth: you're kind of the party animal sister. >> yes, i play sort of the wrecking ball sister, who is the single mom, always out of work, always causing trouble. and it's fun for me, because i never get to play that even for one second of my real life. >> seth: right. [ laughter ] did you channel -- >> anyone who knows me knows that i'm not fun at all. [ laughter ] like not -- >> seth: you're like a half a glass of red wine of being a total disaster at every party i've been at with you. [ laughter ] >> i did go out to dinner with you guys one time right before the golden globes and didn't eat really that much that day. and just got hammered.
>> seth: and it's really funny, because for as long as i have known you, i can't clock it, it was like a aotal -- all of a sudden the cloududent by a full moon and then you were immediately a werewolf. [ laughter ] you were like -- like asking for things from the wrong waiter. it was fantastic. >> yeah. >> seth: did you -- you partied it up. house parties back in the day? >> hey, dude. [ laughter ] don't point to me and say "you partrtd it up." [ laughter ] >> are you mad that it's past tense? >> yeah, i party still. [ laughter ] i did, but, you know, kind of tame. suburban nonsense. but certainly had a few parties in my day. and, you know, things like -- had the towel racks pulled down in my bathroom or people hid beers in my washing machine. just -- white girl stuff. >> seth: gotcha. [ laughter ] now you each have brothers. >> yeah. >> right. >> seth: you have two girls. >> yes. >> seth: you have two boys. >> yes.
now, 10 and 4, 8 and 5, is that right? >> yes. well played. yes. >> seth: can you clock now how they might party when the house parties start? >> ooh. >> yeah. my littltlone is trou-ble. [ laughter ] >> she's going to bring it? >> she's'srouble, yeah. >>t's gonna be hard. i have a friend who told her 10-year-old son that he was allergic to marijuana, and if he tried it he would throw up. and he just accepted it. and then when he was 17, his friends were like, "who told you that?" [ laughter ] and he went home and said, "did you lie to me?" and she was like, "yeah!" [ laughtht ] and i think that -- i might do that. >> seth: you might take that step? you might go full lying. >> top to bottom lies. of course! >> seth: i like that style. >> i think people don't lie to their children enough. >> no, yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: you refer to each other as -- you guys are like wives, like work wives. >> yeah, common law. >> we are common law comedy wives at this point. we have workededong enough that we could -- i feel like i own
[ laughter ] i don't know if she does. >> seth: would you say you have a shorthand? >> yeah, i think we -- it's not all the way twin speak, but i think if we're like in a crowded place and it would be like the >> mm, right. >> 'cause, yeah. got it. [ laughter ] >> seth: it's terrifying to >> we can talk about people in front of them and they don't really understand. >> seth: gotcha. >> you know what fred's doing? hey, fred! >> hey. [ laughter ] >> because you remember the thing with -- >> yeah, it's good. and then at the end of the day -- [ laughter ] >> seth: what do you guys say we bring out all your cast mates? >> yeah, yay! finally, this is exciting that you're doing this. >> seth: it's so much fun. look, we got a new couch! this is a new couch, everybody that does not usually live here. we had to build a riser to put it on and everything. >> it's made out of paper,
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>> oh, hell no! >> are you serious, because i am straight-up baffled. >> i'm sorry? >> i believe you called this party a sad and desperate event? >> well, i just figured i'd pop in and say hello to everyone. i mean, we're all adults now, right? >> nice try. on your bi, bitch. get your peanut butter out of my sister's chocolate. >> wow. >> i respect your jumpsuit but not its contents. hit it. >> well this is luu-dicrous. >> g-g-g-g-g-g-get out. >> fine. i have another function to attend anyway. besides, a flushed a tampon down yoyo toilet. >> you're pads all the way, and everyone knows it. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back,
we're here with tina fey and amy poehler. and we mentioned, of course, fred armisen is here tonight, as well. and we were just talking during the commercial break, there is so much tv right now. >> yeah. >> seth: it's like peak tv. >> yeah. >> seth: there's so many shows. it's hard to watch every episode of every show. i don't know if you guys know this.. fred claims that he's s en every episode of every television show that was on tv this year. >> hmmm. >> no, impossible. >> fred: absolutely, yes. >> seth: absolutely, okay. well that means it's time once again for "fred armisen's extremely accurate tv recaps." [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: amy, do you want to name a show and fred can tell us what happened on the last episode. >> okay, let me think of a show that has a lot of episodes. i'm going to say "criminal minds." >> f fd: oh, "criminal minds"? >> yeah. >> fred: do you watch it? >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> fred: it's so good. seth, do you know it? >> s%th: i don't know it, i haven't seen it. >> fred: "criminal minds" is incredible. so, last night, okay, they had a -- they had this huge meeting, right? with every -- everyone and their, their families, like they got all their parents, and they
and they were like, "hey, guys, we want you to know that we go to work every single day and we work really hard." [ light laughter ] to break these, you know, to, like, break these stories and get in there, and like, solve these crimes. so the parents are like, "yeah, we know what you do. why are you doing this?" and they're like, "we feel like you don't appreciate us." so, so they leave the room. >> seth: so, there's not -- - crime hasn't been committed yet. fred: not yet. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] >> fred: they leave the room, right? and so the main characters are like, "why did we just do that? that was so expensive to fly them in and have them here." [ laughter ] and they're like, "maybe it's because we want something to do." and they're like that's a really good point. so a call comes in, they're like, "hey, there has been a huge crime." they're like, "what town." they're like, "chicago." they're like, "we don't do chicago." [ laughter ] ] but they keep the phone up to their faces, like, why are we doing this. they hang up. and they're like we should call chicago. so they call chicago and get the, you know, the investigators there, the detectives, to go take care of the crimes there. >> seth: wow, so the whole
their parents about their job and then basically taking a call for a crime and it's, in a jurisdiction they don't do. [ laughter ] >> fred: yes. because it's the responsible thing to do, to be like, we have to call chicago so they know -- [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, no, i understand why they did it. it just doesn't seem like it makes for good television. >> fred: it's incredible, it's incredible, the episode was heart-breaking. >> seth: who are your favorite -- >> fred: it was heartbreaking. >> seth: who are your favorite -- >> fred: you see the real people. u're like, oh, that't'really them. >> seth: whohore your favorite two charactete on the show? >> fred: david and david smith. >> seth: okay. [ laughter ] that's really great. >> fred: thank you. >> seth: thank you so much, fred. >> two davids. >> seth: two davids. [ cheers and applause ] we are excited to now be joined by some of the other stars in the film "sisters." please welcome to the show, ike barinholtz, rachel dratch, maya rudolph, and the writer of "sisters," paula pell!
[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so good to have you all here! look at this. look at this. >> in your dream, left leg crossover, right? >> left leg. >> seth: left leg. oh, well done. >> i can't, i can'n'paula. >> oh, okay, sorry. >> seth: paula, this is, this childhood. >> it is. sister. >> yes. not, not really accurate, but >> seth: gotcha. because if it was really based really your sister in this movie, you're saying your sister is a woman of loose morals. >> my sister is yeah, a loose, loose party animal. >> setet yeah. >> and i was actually the party y animal and the caretaker, so i had all the dysfunction all in
my sister was the '70s fox who got a lot of dates was shy, sweet, beautiful, had like very natural, beautiful hair and really flat stomach. and i looked like a '50s farm wife. [ laughter ] and so, this is inspired by that. d inspired just by all the sisters that, you know, one gets laid and the other doesn't. [ laughter ] >> seth: now, you kept a journal, you used to bring your childhood journal to "snl" -- >> i did. >> seth: and read it out loud. tina, do you remember any of the highlights? >> oh my god. i remember there was a lot of cut-out pasted-in photos of sylvester stallone. [ light laughter ] >> a lot of sylvester stallone. >> i remember there was the phrase "black guy appeal to me a lot." >es. [ laughter ] >> they appeal to me a lot! [ light laughter ] >> mornings are my most thinking time. >> yeah, mornings, no, between 10:30 p.m. and 2:30 a.m. are my most thinking times. >> seth: wow. >> and little did i know i would be at "snl" -- >> yeah. >> where that's, that's when we were just getting started at 10:30 p.m. >> yep. >> seth: one of the fun things about this movie, you guys get
there's a lot of dicks being drawn on walls. dratch, wereou on set for the drawing of the ds? >> uh -- >> the double ds? >> i saw the -- well, it was funny, because there was this, and there was this giant mess, but it's a very sort of curated mess, 'cause there's all these art directors. so, there was like, there were, you know, there's a dick on the wawa, but then there are like, fifi dicks on deck. [ laughter ] and even, you picture someone like, you know -- >> cause we have seven dicks on deck. >> so having to get the dick perfecy drawn every time to match the other ones. >> yeah, someone was like i went to the rhode island school of design. [ laughter ] and i drew bobby moynihan's dick in "sisters." [ laughter ] >> really good job. >> i minored in [ bleep ]. oh, i can't say [ bleep ]. >> you can say [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] >> big close-up. real tight on me. [ applause ] you can't say [ bleep ]. >> seth: this is a hard r. >> yes. >> hard r. >> seth: as you might have guessed. you have said, poehler, classy r. >> very classy r.
film that you don't want tina and i to do that we do. you know? like meaning, like, there are a ton of, there's no butts and boobs. >> seth: okay. >> sorry, america. [ laughter ] that's what this is for tonight. >> but it was really fun to get to just kind of let loose and say whatever we wanted. and do all the things. i think it's a film for the whole family, except for anyone under 17. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] it this is a movie about families and and a movie about siblings. and maya, you play glynda. we can tell you're a bit -- >> brinda. >> seth: brinda, sorry. >> brinda. >> seth: with an i? >> with an i, that's correct. >> seth: okay. >> because that's a common name in nowhere. [ laughter ] >> seth: and but yet, you were drawn -- because one of the things about paula's sketches at snl was everybody, great character names. >> yeah. >> seth: were you drawn to being a brinda. >> i was -- it was so very clear to me that when i heard my character's name was brinda, i had her whole idea in mind.
where she went to college. >> the i in the middle just -- >> the i in the middle says everything. >> really tightens it up. >> already real estate agent, and just a total pain in the ass. >> seth: gotcha. well you nail it. it was very well done. >> it was not hard. [ laughter ] >> the couple that buys the house is, are called the geernts. and we do a lot of jokes on the couple, the geernts, that they're like their nemesis because they buy their childhood home. and that is inspired by one of your writers, john lutz who did my favorite character name ever on a sketch, kane pyuntze. [ laughter ] which is about the hardest i've ever laughed at a name. >> kane pyuntze? >> kane pyuntze! >> seth: dratch, you made a comment that got picked up. >> i'm up. yes, what? >> seth: you got picked up. that you said you had an idea for a sequel. >> oh, god. oh, my gosh. so, you know, you're on these -- like the press line, like, the red carpet. and sometimes the person asking questions has a funny idea of their own. and so t ty said, so they're like, "who would be your sister?" and i was like, "tina and amy."
now. [ laughter ] so, then they're like, "how about, what would the sequel be? you could be the third sister." and i was like, "sure, i could be living in the basement, you know?" [ laughter ] and so that gets picked up. and it's like i see like dratch has a funny idea for a sequel. [ laughter ] she's kept down in the basement! [ laughter ] >> seth: we'll be right back with more from the cast of "sisters."
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night." we're here with the cast of the new movie "sisters." now, you -- your film is opening on the same day as "star wars." >> what? >> seth: yes. [ light laughter ] i don't know how to -- but it's fine, because a lot of people see multiple movies, or they choose one movie or the other. i thought i would give you guys a chance to sell "sisters," but using "star wars" characters to make the sales pitch. so you all have action figures, and, ike, why don't we start with you. >> this is the sith lord who is played by adam driver. >> seth: okay. >> why would you see a movie with the guy from "girls" when you see a movie with the guy from "the mindy project!" >> nice. [ cheers and applause ] >> that's a good adam driver. >> thank you.
>> my turn? >> yeah. >> i think this guy is pz-4zo? >> seth: yeah that sounds about right. >> some nonsense! >> he's italian. [ laughter ] [ italian accent ] >> i am a creature. i don't have any relatives, but if i did, i wish i would have two sisters! [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: very believable. >> very italian. >> okay. i've read this guy's name three times. i don't remember it. i don't care. i don't care about "star wars"! [ laughter ] i never [ bleep ] did! [ cheers and applause ] i'm sorry! i'm tired of pretending. i'm tired of pretending. i don't care about it! this guy's facacis covered up, because he's so embarrassed that he -- he's got to go see "star wars."
so he's going -- he's like, hey, man. i don't know, just -- who gives a [ bleep ] [ laughter ] i'm so sick of it. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: dratch? >> sorry, dratch. >> where's my guy? [ light laughter ] >> commit, dratch. you can do it. >> excuse me. [ laughter ] >> can i get in on this? [ grunting ] >> that was my time? >> seth: no, what are you doing? [ grunting ] >> go see sisters! sisters! [ grunting ] [ applause ] >> seth: really, really good wookie. this is the hot new droid. >> that wookiee got some nooky.
what is this guy's name? >> i think bb-8. >> okay. i think -- >> i think. >> first of all, you know. [ light laughter ] >> i'm going to dedicate this performance to amy poehler. >> yeah? [ babbling ] >> wooga, wooga. ribbie, ribbie. i will never know the touch of a real woman. [ laughter ] please go see "sisters." i don't have feet. >> seth: really good. [ applause ] really good. >> oh. ooh. >> oh. >> this guy is good. thinks he's a person. >> he's a human. >> give a job to an actor every once in a while. >> oh, girl. [ laughter ] "sisters" is good. i heard "sisters" is good. i'm going down in the space cave now. [ cheers and applause ] >> space cave?
>> still talking. still going. still talking. >> oh, girl, there's a big wookie down here. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> seth: you guys are great. >> actually, it's a snow wookie. >> seth: snow wookie? >> i thought they smelled bad on the outside. >> still warm. [ laughter ] >> seth: maya, one of my favorite things on writing night, because we would all stay very late. and around 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, the fire marshall would make an announcement in the building. >> that's correct. because we would be there so late that the regular elevators that we took would stop running. >> seth: yes, they would make an announcement. >> right. >> seth: and you would always put a postscript on the announcement. >> that's correct. so -- >> are we going here? are we going -- >> i think we are. >> this is on cable, right? >> seth: yeah. we're doing far too much -- we're going to have to edit plenty, you guys. >> so every night will be a
local sounding guy going, "this is the fire marshall. the night elevators are no longer in service. please use the west wing elevators. also rachel dratch's [ bleep ] got rabies." [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: ike, you worked in chicago at second city. i was a bus boy. >> seth: a bus boy. >> yes. >> seth: so you remember all these three ladies here. >> yes. >> seth: and you -- do any of you remember ike the bus boy? >> yeah. >> yes, for sure. >> are you guys saying that now because we have done a movie together? >> no. >> yeah, yeah. >> i remember you. >> no, we knew ike. >> ike was like the doogie howser of the improv community. >> only because i was a brilliant surgeon. [ laughter ] but i made money on the side cleaning vomit at second city. >> seth: did you see talent in ike at an early age? >> yeah. >> i don't even think of you as -- you're not that much younger than me.
>> oh. [ laughter ] and, no, i remember them. they were all like these amazing hilarious people and i said, "one day i'm going to do a movie with you." and they were like, "get out of the dressing room. you don't belong here. go get me a coke. get out of here. " >> that sounds like the beginning of "boogie nights." >> it was. but only because i showed them my penis. >> you mean your special gift. >> my gift. >> other than me, did you bang any of them? [ laughter ] >> um, that was me. >> seth: ike, sorry, paula, i heard a story about you when you were growing up, you were very good at quarters. >> yes, i just remembered this. i don't know if i've ever told this to any of you. >> no. >> when you're -- living in florida, which i did from 15 on, when you graduate from high school, everyone goes and gets a beach house for graduation. and, like -- 2,000 people -- >> in these ratty beach house in smyrna beach. so we all went for grad week and it was just a blur of alcohol
and i was a quarters champion. i could beat any guy in quarters, i could down a beer in, like, one second. >> wow. >> and so i played quarters the first day and swallowed the quarter. [ laughter ] and then i called my mom a little concerned and she was like, "oh, i guess it will come out, whatever. i don't know." [ laughter ] and then i spent the entire week walking around parties going, do you notice any change in me? [ laughter ] >> oh, my god. >> is there -- is there an addendum to the story? >> it came out last year. [ laughter ] and it was $100. >> seth: we'll be right back with more from these guys.
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i'm giving you a chance now as somebody who asks probably questions that people get asked a lot, having a talk show. what are the questions that you are now officially exhausted that people have asked you? >> we got a weird one this time. amy and i did a lot of press together. and people would come in -- like, person after person would come in and say, "you guys have known each other so long and worked together so much. what do you fight about?" [ light laughter ] we don't fight. but they're like, "what do you fight about?" and we're like, "we don't fight." it was the weirdest question. >> yeah, it was a weird question. frankly, seth, let's get in. you know what, let's get in it. this is the kind of show you have. it's sexist. it's a sexist question, because men are not asked what they fight about. >> like, no one's asking like, will ferrell and mark wahlberg, "what do you guys fight about?" [ laughter ] what i -- you know what i wish? >> seth: what? >> i wish just one day, just one day, when i was doing press, that one reporter would ask me what it's like to be a woman in comedy. >> oh, god, yes, yes. >> seth: just once? oh, no. tina died. [ laughter ] >> she died. >> tina died.
>> she died and grew a beard. >> i can't wait until somebody asks me that question. >> seth: john cena's very funny >> so funny. >> seth: he's a super funny guy. >> can i say something about him? >> yeah. >> when i saw him, i had feelings that i'd never felt before. [ laughter ] >> seth: really? >> and that's not my usual type. >> right. >> i like a skinny, weird-looking nerd. >> seth: yeah. >> and you wanted to maybe be like held in like his two hands like a tea cup poodle. dog. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: and ike you're a big guy, but you must have felt like a tiny little -- >> oh, my god, no. i felt like emma stone next to him. hey, john! tell me about tampa! >> seth: really, really good emma stone. >> thank you. >> seth: really good. >> where is "snl"? is it that way? [ laughter ] >> keep walk -- just keep walking. >> over there? >> make a left and keep walking. >> got it. >> between ike and john cena, my straight went up about 10% on this.
to? >> it's about 20. >> seth: oh, wow. >> yeah. because he's just -- he's like a wall of man. ike comes and hugs you and you're just like that's -- you just wanna climb in that. >> i hug you so hard that if you say stop i can't hear you. >> seth: oh, wow, that's nice. paula, i feel like a nice way to finish this, i wanna give you -- we actually have -- this is the journal. >> this is the journal. >> seth: this is the childhood journal. and if you could just give us a few dramatic readings from passages. >> okay, i'll just read a couple -- i'll read one -- >> show them the rocky. >> and if somebody else wants to read one -- this is rocky. >> seth: wow, look at that. you really were into sylvester stallone. and so when did you officially stop being into sylvester stallone? >> still into sylvester stallone. >> seth: okay, gotcha. >> no, i will tell you that a couple weeks ago i went to see "creed." and it had an unexpected effect on me, because it's so -- he's so, like, sick in it. and everything. and all of a sudden i was like -- [ laughter ]
this is the full circle. this is the full circle of life. i just walked home and did a lot of face-down crying. [ light laughter ] i'll just -- i'll just read one little quick blurb and if anyone else wants to read one. hi, this is a sort of diary, but i won't write every day. i think i'll write when i have something on my mind that should go on paper. this is an intro to my writing. first a description of myself. i'm 13, i have bluish-greenish eyes, and i have a heavy build, unfortunately. [ laughter ] in may, i'll be getting my braces off. i'm very outgoing, and i have a very strong sense of humor! [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: fantastic! maya, would you like to read a passage? >> oh, my gosh, i love that. >> that so sweet. >> well, i have a new love. compared to t, he's an absolute positively complete super fantastic fox. his name is sylvester stallone,
he is the star of all stars in the movie, "rocky" in quotes, which is an excellent flick. laura berke is sleeping over, and i think we are having fun. [ laughter ] >> seth: so, wait -- >> and then right after that, i say, "well, we did have fun and now i have a cold." sorry, laura. she's real. >> seth: i would think you weren't having fun if you had time to make a diary entry. >> i don't know if we have -- >> oh, we might not have time? >> if we have time. >> we have all the time in the world. >> we have all the time in the world. >> oh, just read a little of that one. >> okay, i'm gonna read a little of march 25th, 1977. >> just keep going. just keep going. >> well, here i am, an adult christian. [ laughter ] >> i got confirmed. >> oh! ready to take on the world, i think. last night, i was confirmed by bishop vanish, a very nice man. the ceremony was very nice and enjoyable. i don't feel any physical difference much. [ laughter ] but i really have never enjoyed my life more. my friends are my backbone. they keep me out of deep depression.
thank god for my friends. >> oh, my god! it's so good! >> seth: how nice it is, that all of your friends are here with us tonight. >> i still love all of my friends. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: everybody, go see the movie that that lovely 13-year-old wrote. [ cheers and applause ] the cast of "sisters," everybody! there it is, ike barinholtz, tina fey, amy poehler, rachel dratch, maya rudolph and paula pell. "sisters" is in theaters december 18th. we'll be right back.