tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 9, 2016 11:40pm-12:42am PST
so, ariel. what's the deal with this new c.d.c. warning that women shouldn't drink, even if they're not pregnant? >> well, they released this graphic. jim, can we put that up? according to the c.d.c., any woman who drinks is at risk for sexually transmitted diseases and/or unintended pregnancy. >> stephen: wow. so that means kathie lee and hoda are really living on the edge every day. i assume the c.d.c. has a similar warning for men? >> stephen: no, they do not. >> stephen: maybe we don't need it because they have that p.s.a. about the risks of drinking and then having an ice cold train come through and cool off the whole bikini volleyball team. there is a serious risk of carpel tunnel from high-fiving your bros. >> oh, this warning was long overdue. any time we drink, we could get pregnant. let's say you're home alone, catching up on "empire." whatever you do, do not crack open that chardonnay. you'll be in a cab to your
cookie can say, "you messing with the wrong bitch looshus." >> stephen: that's good to know. what if you're not in a relationship, what if you don't like men? what about the ladies who date ladies? should they drink? >> they're not safe, either. you and your girlfriend might think it's just miller time, but one sip, and you're running downstairs to the guy in 3b with a turkey baster. ( laughter ) he'll think it's fun until you capture his seed, enslave him, and raise the child to sacrifice at your coven! >> stephen: all right, that happens far too often. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: thank you, ariel. thank you, ariel. ariel dumas, thank you so much. i know you have to get back to your lumberjacking. thank you so much for being official woman. actual woman. well, i've got a warning of my own right now.
for you tonight. first i'll be sitting down with olivia wilde. ( cheers and applause ) that's what i say. that's what i said. she stars in "vinyl" on hbo, a show based on the music industry of the 70s, which itself was based on the cocaine industry of the 70s. then i'll talk to the legendary cnn foreign correspondent, christiane amanpour. ( cheers and applause ) christiane-- she covers stories anywhere it's too cold for anderson cooper to appear in a t-shirt. and for mardi gras, we have a very special performance by none other than my musical director, jon batiste, everybody. ( band playing ) speaking of which, that sound you hear is stay human with the jon batiste i was just talking about before. say hi, everyody. jon's getting warmed up for his solo performance later tonight, you have a guest joining us
>> stephen: in honor of mardi gras, we brought our own kermin ruffins on the trombone. >> stephen: before they king things off, one more thing: throwing a live alligator through the window of a wendy's drive-through. he has been arrested because wendy's in florida only accepts snakes. >> tonight, stephen welcomes olivia wilde. and christiane amanpour. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, thanks so much. do you feel it? >> jon: i'm filin it, yeah. woe. whoa. >> stephen: folks, thanks so much. as we speak right now, the new hampshire primaries are rolling in, and the excitement is palpable. in fact, i think i may have reached peak palp, because this is the big one. the winners survive and move onto the next primary, while the north woods to be hunted by their donors. as is traditional with new extremely early returns. >> the first votes are already in. ohio governor john kasich and vermont senator bernie sanders got an early boost this morning.
that's the new hampshire hamlet that is home to the first vote and the first-in-the-nation primary. >> stephen: yes, at 12:01 this morning, bernie sanders and john kasich won the town that votes earliest, dixville notch. still waiting for results from the nearby hamlets of crotchville groin, jockstrap hump, and sack hollow. ( laughter ) good people in sack hollow. now, in 2008 hillary clinton beat barack obama in new hampshire, even though he eventually went on to win the nomination. this time, bernie sanders is leading hillary by a large margin. so he could be our next openly resentful resentful secretary of state. and i'm not surprised bernie is leading, since he hails from neighboring vermont, and a large percentage of new hampshirites can't tell the difference on a map. but the real race is on the
candidate is desperate to prove they're the one who can make barack obama a two-term president. now, a traditional part of campaigning in new hampshire is politicians inflicting themselves on every voter at every location at every hour of the day, which is how we got this amazing photograph from a carly fiorina event yesterday at a diner in manchester. there's fiorina in a scrum of reporters, while this woman in the middle just tries to finish ther coffee and eggs. "excuse me, um, i asked for a booth away from the ( bleep )?" i love her. i love you. i love it. but i don't know how this woman is able to ignore the political circus swirling around her. it might be because she knows that pepper shaker right down in front has a better chance of being president than carly fiorina. and folks online have been having fun with this picture.
( cheers and applause ) so you're obviously not interested in carly fiorina. is there another candidate that you like more? ( laughter ) that was quite a struggle for that egg just now. ( laughter ) or is the problem you would just rather that everybody, including me, just stop talking about politics? ( laughter ) okay, then. we'll be right back with olivia
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our life is enough for you. yeah. >> no. >> no, it's not enough. you need this. >> no. >> yeah, here you go. >> no. >> take that. our life isn't enough for you. this is what you need. >> no, no. >> come here. come on. take it, take it. have some. come on. there you go! >> please welcome olivia wilde. olivia olivia, olivia wilde. olivia olivia wilde ( cheers and applause ). >> nice. >> stephen: welcome, nice to see you. >> nice to see you. such a pleasure to be here. >> stephen: such a talented, interesting, and intelligent person. >> who! >> stephen: you. >> thank you, that's really nice. >> stephen: you're welcome.
>> i do, i follow the politic s. >> stephen: i'm not surprised. your dad is a journalist and your mom is a "60 minutes" producer. >> i was raised by two journalists, my aunts and uncles. >> stephen: was it hard coming out to them and telling them you were going to be an actor? did you have to sit them down and say, "mom, dad"-- >> listen, i'm not going to save the world with such integrity as you. you know, they were very cool from the beginning. what was hard was to lie to them because investigative journalists are really hard to lie to. >> stephen: uh-huh. and just where was this party, olivia? >> exactly. there was nothing -- >> so if barbara's parents are in town, how come there are no cars in their driveway. >> exactly. >> stephen: how about book reports, or something like that? was it, "though, this first photograph is fat. you're just clearing your throat here. this is accurate but not fair. we're not going to print this. we're not going to print this." >> they were very cool. they were fiercely passionate about defending my creative instinct s.
supportive of you being an actress, no worries at all? it's really tough. 95% of actors and actresses don't work. >> i know. i think they knew if it didn't work i would stop after a while and try something else. like i was supposed to go to college. i was going to bard college in upstate new york. >> stephen: sure. that's super crunchy. >> super. >> stephen: super crunchy. maybe you'll take classes, maybe you won't kind of college. >> see how i feel. >> stephen: make your own major kind of college. >> orgies in the water fall. >> stephen: i went to the wrong college. >> it was great. but i never actually went. i must have been the most popular roommate to sign up for every year because i never showed up. >> stephen: you were off acting or something? >> yeah, i kept deferring because i started working. >> stephen: the show "vinyl" is about a wild time in rock 'n' roll, back when there was enough money in music to be wild. >> yeah. >> stephen: these were young people with a lot of money living crazy lives. >> yeah. although it's interesting in the
show is the record labels were stealing from the artists. which is why mick jagger, our producer, wanted to tell the story because labelwere taking advantage of the artist and charging them for production of the album s. >> stephen: he was went to the london school of economics. so he knew he was being ripped off. honest to god, he did. >> he took control of the stones' finances and they became a very tough band to rip off. >> stephen: now, there's a lot in this-- we had bobby cannavale on here the other night. >> the best. >> stephen: amazing. and there's a lot of cocaine. >> so much cocaine. >> stephen: cotain taken in this. now, does your character do cocaine? >> no, no luck there. >> stephen: no. it's not real cocaine. they're not doing really cocaine. i mean, it is hbo. >> we don't know. >> we don't know. >> stephen: they do excellent productions. >> exactly. it's not baby laxative. it's milk powder. >> stephen: still, i would not want to snort milk powder. what if your lungs turned out to be lactose intolerant?
that could be bad. >> it's funny. there are mountains of it everywhere. it's a hilarious set. >> stephen: you're a director, too, right? >> i am. i did a music album in new orleans. edward sharp and the magnetic zeros. >> stephen: they opened for bernie sanders a couple of nights okay. are you feeling the bern? >> i love the berp. i have a lot of respect for the bern and everything he's done for young voters. >> stephen: but? >> but i am with her. >> stephen: you're headed for the hills. you're headed for the hills. >> i have my personal relationships, but i support the discourse. i think these debates are fantastic. i love how many people are engaged. it's great. >> stephen: you also executive produced a short film. >> yes. >> stephen: that has been nominated for an oscar? >> yes! >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you! it's so great. >> stephen: it's an incredible story. >> yes. >> stephen: it's a team of people working in liberia, right. >> yes.
>> it's called body team 12 and they during the ebola epidemic were responsible for collecting the bodies of those who died from the virus. that was essential because the only reason it didn't spread in a much bigger way is because of people like them who were containing the virus which was spread by contact with the dead. it's an incredible story of heroism. >> stephen: these are people who went into what you might call the hot zone. >> yes. >> stephen: where the disease was spreading. >> yes. and they were local members of that community, so they were community health workers -- >> who is shooting this? who is the cameraman? >> david dard, our director? an extraordinary guy. and he was working as an aid worker there and was a film maker and started filming from within. so the access is just kind of incredible because you would never be able to see that just as a filmmaker. >> stephen: is he an american? >> he's an american. >> stephen: he went over and did this. was he one of those people quarantined when he came back? >> he was quarantine forward 45 days and i'm only lawchg because, clearly, it's the way to get the best movie out of your director is quarantine them
>> stephen: he edited while he was in quarantine. >> he edited the film while he was in quarantine. >> stephen: you almost literally chained him to the editing machine. >> you know what? he's nominated for an oscar. >> stephen: he's an executive producer. that's what he's supposed to be doing. you sent this to me. the last time we were together was at the old gig and we had an act-off and you sent me my favorite award. i have been very lucky to win a lot of awards. can we get a close-up of this. this is an award you sent to me, "acted the hardest." >> you acted so hard. >> stephen: this is the greatest. and i put this on so everyone would know, "presented to stephen colbert by olivia wilde." >> i was so excited about this. >> stephen: thank you so much. this is a treasured possession of mine. olivia, thank you for coming. say hi to jason for me. >> i will, of course. >> stephen: "vinyl" premiers february 14 at 9:00 p.m. on hbo. olivia wilde everybody!
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everybody. my next guest is the chief international correspondent at cnn and the anchor the "amanpour." please welcome christiane amanpor. how is everything in the world of international news? >> everything in the world of international news is very bad. >> stephen: yeah. >> very, very bad indeed. >> stephen: you have said whatever the medium, one of your goals is to make foreign news less foreign. >> yes.
because they got the accents and everything. >> they have the accents and sometimes they have their own language, which is kind of extraordinary. >> stephen: how to you make someone here in america care. >> often, particularly now, it's coming here to america. >> stephen: not if trump has his way. not if trump has his way. he's going to build a war between the united states and syria. ( laughter ). >> and that will help that's how we try to make the news less foreign, telling those kinds of stories. >> stephen: is there a story happening internationally right now that we americans don't know enough about, something that's happening that other countries are carrying about that we haven't heard about yet? >> well, look, you pretty much know about everything. but the big story that we have to get fixed is syria and all these poor refugees who are, you know, really, really in terrible hardship. and i think being really misrepresented and their hardship and their humanity just being completely sort of denied is pretty sad.
>> stephen: it seems like it got to some point-- at a certain
their hands. why trump's message is appealing is because he says, "just keep
them all out" because there is so much fear associated with it. how do you think that situation got so bad? >> i'm pretty strong, have very strong feelings about this. i think, you know, the west didn't do what it could have done early enough. >> stephen: by "west" you mean america? >> well... perhaps. >> stephen: everybody else is kind of like-- >> being the most important country in the world. >> stephen: everybody else is like gladys knight and the. is. everyone else is the. is. >> everyone says, "we couldn't have done anything." and i actually think we could have done something because very early on you could have intervened in any number of ways that would have been a whole lot less painful than they are now. and it wouldn't have been an invasion, and it wouldn't have been boots on the ground, and it could have really contained and stopped this before we had hundreds of thousands of people dead, before we had millions of refugees, and before we now have
united states, and, you know, i do believe, unfortunately, a very important chance was missed in that regard. >> stephen: you've interviewed every major world leader. who has impressed you more than you thought? >> well, going all the way back now several decades, somebody was an amazing, amazing interview. he was king hussein of jordan, a very strong ally of the united states. he made peace with israel, a really brave, brave man who had these incredible policies and had the courage to enact them. and making peace with israel, if you're an arab leader, is not very popular, as you can imagine. and he was amazing. and he actually treated us journalists as if he kind of really wanted to talk to us and as if we weren't dumb. >> stephen: is that unusual for a world leader? >> yes, because many people like to do the whole spin cycle and, you know, have their talking points. and he talked to you as if you
that was quite refreshing. >> stephen: anybody disappointed you? anybody give you, like, a really weak handshake? >> oh, the handshakes. >> stephen: give you a fish or something like that. >> there have been dead fish. there have been rotten fish. there have been sweaty fish. >> stephen: give me a hint. who is the worst handshake? somebody dead. >> i can't-- he's a dead fish. he's with the fishes. ( laughter ) but the worst for me was when i would interview, let's say the iranian leaders. like i get this amazing scoop, and i'm psyched and i stick my hand out and the happened is here because, no, they cannot shake hands with a woman. >> stephen: but you have to know they're going to do, that right? why can that surprise you? >> it's their religion, well, you forget. >> stephen: that shocks you? >> you forget. >> stephen: you forget? >> yes, it didn't happen before the revolution. >> stephen: before the revolution that wasn't there? >> no, i remember shaking a lot of hands in rawp before the revolution. that's probably why we had a revolution. oh, you have a good, good, good handshake. >> stephen: thank you.
>> stephen: can you stick around? >> yes. >> we'll be right back with 029chrisb. sfx: cell phone vibrates. yeah? (sigh) you're okay... he's okay, he made it! jason.. what do you mean? we were very bad boys. alexa what's in the news? alexa: here's the news, "alecbaldwin and jason schwartzman were seen mooning paparazzi.baldwin threw his shoe at photographers before making arun for it". my poor cashmere socks... alexa, will you order another pair of brescianis. reordering bresciani socks. okay listen... can you send some lawyers or something? (moaning) ...alec? (music) woman: i'll never remember all the projects, presentations, or meetings i gave up my nights for. (music's drums intensify) but days like this, i'll never forget.
be unstoppable. this is my fight song take back my life song (music) yeah, i'm married. does it matter? you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. jake from state farm, at three in the morning? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm?
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we're back with christiane amanpour. christiane, i understand-- i heard this from my little research package here, while you're a well-known journalist now, you say you're an accidental journalist, what does that mean? >> well, after the revolution in iran, we didn't have any money and we didn't know what to do. in any event, my parent were stuck there and we were in england glpped and my sister decided to sign herself up to a journalist college in london. after a couple of months she decided this was not for her. so i went back and said can we have our money back, please, because we cannot afford to throw it away. they said no, and i said i can take the course instead? and that's what i did and that's how i became a journalist. ( applause ). >> stephen: wow. and you got hooked. >> i got hooked. >> stephen: you got totally hooked. >> i got totally hooked. and then i came here, the great united states of america, and joined cnn and sort of, you know, scrambled my way. >> stephen: are you reporting all the time.
looking for the story. >> always, even right now. >> stephen: right now. >> right now. >> stephen: even this second, today? >> in fact today i found some incredible scoops right here in the united states. >> stephen: really? >> i did. >> stephen: a crisis? >> a bit of a crisis. you could call it that. >> stephen: i'd love to see it. >> i brought some tapes. i brought some reports. jim? dawn has broken and in a constant stream they come, here, to the 11th floor kitchenet, the beleaguered "late show" production staff escape from their toil, however briefly, to rifle through these drawers and cabinets in a desperate search for carbohydrates. and, sadly, for those hoping for cinnamon toast crunch, it is already too late. what does remain is this fruit cup and, apparently, healthy snack, but in reality, processed peach cubes drowning in heavy syrup, dooming these lost souls
trapped in a heartbreaking cycle of sugar crash and sugar craving, from which they will never break free. anderson. as you can see, the "late show" graphics department is a veritable wasteland of unwashed hair and snack ref use. the stale odor of cheetos, red bull, and sadness fill the air. sleep deprived, they dutifully carry out their superior's orders, graphically adding donald trump's hair to any animal you can think of it. ( laughter ) never thinking to ask the question, "why?" wolf. >> stephen: okay, christiane amanpour, what's her deal? she's impressive, like? she's got, line, nine emmys, right? >> i think it's nine gli have interviewed her before but i can't remember, is she from england or london. >> born in london, she started
1973, and covered the revolution in romania in '89, the first gulf war and the war in bosnia. >> stephen: you're going to have to go right now. >> anderson? >> stephen: okay. >> i have 11 emmys. ( applause ) >> stephen: beautiful work. >> thank you. >> stephen: beautiful work. >> thank you. >> stephen: tragig situation. hopefully something can be done. it>> it was hard. but i was glad to pring that news to the world. >> stephen: stay safe out there. christiane, thank you. christiane amanpour, everybody, we'll be right back. ( applause )op me off right here. oh no, i'll take you up to the front of the school. that's where your friends are. seriously, it's, it's really fine.
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...securing a massive reduction in nuclear weapons... ...standing up against the abuse of women... ...protecting social security... ...expanding benefits for the national guard... ...and winning health care for 8 million children... the presidency is the toughest job in the world and she's the one who'll make a real difference for you. i'm hillary clinton and i approved this message. >> stephen: welcome back, everyone. let's hear it for jon batiste and stay human. jon, thanks for being here. jon, this is a big day for you and the band. these guys have just released a new album of music they play here on the show called "the late show e.p."
>> jon: the theme song is here "humanism." the intro, your opening music. >> stephen: okay. >> jon: and we have four other songs and a bonus track. >> stephen: you guys are in luck, because you're finally going to hear and enjoy what i get to hear every night. it's incredible. go get this. it's available for download now. >> jon: yeah! ( applause ) >> stephen: how is your mardi gras going so far? >> it's killing. >> stephen: have you found the baby? have you found the baby yet. >> jon: not yet. after the show. >> stephen: you also have taught me a little bit about jazz since i have been here listening to you, and also because early or in the year you and i went down to new orleans, and i met this man when i was down there. what's his name. >> jon: that's that's michael polera. he was my high school jazz ipstruck ther. >> stephen: what is n.o.c.a.c.a.
the creative arts. >> stephen: this is where you learned to jazz it up. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: and i asked him when i was down there to explain you and to explain jazz and to explain you and jazz. >> jon: yeah, i remember that. >> stephen: we brought a camera, and let's take a look, jimmy jazz. mr. polera. >> yes, stephen, you can call me mike. >> stephen: thanks for talking to us today. >> my pleasure. nice to have you here. >> stephen: what i do need to know about jon? what kind of student was he? >> anything you showed him, he would master it and say, "what's next?" i think at the end of his two years, maybe i didn't have anything that was next. >> stephen: i want to know, in high school, did he do, like, the, "hey, yeah, that's deep, you know, mike." or was it, "mr. polera, i was wondering if that is the proper modal scale to do that?" >> modal scale, i'm impressed.
i'm jon batiste and you have nothing to teach me anywhere. was he like that or like this? >> he's become a bit of a hipster. >> stephen: give me the variation on yeah. give me the yeah, you don't really want to do something. >> jon: yeah...... >> stephen: yeah, that you enjoy what was said to you. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: give me yeah confused.
>> jon: yeah? >> stephen: what is jazz? >> in its most basic sense i would say it's improvised music. >> jon: luis armstrong said if know. >> stephen: could it be that he didn't know what jazz was and he was trying to hide it by way. >> no. something? jazz movie ma-tazz? no, did it change its name when it came to the united states. was it jazzenberg and became jazz later? >> no.
jon jazz hands. >> what is jazz hands? >> stephen: that's it. pop the hip. come omake it sexy right there. yeah. and then ah! ah! you're very good. >> thank you. >> stephen: he's got it. can it be taught? can jazz be taught? or do you have to be born with, like, a special, like, spark? >> yes, you can teach it. >> stephen: let's do it. ( applause ). >> jon: that was nice, man. we had a good time. >> stephen: so y'all taught me a little bit about jazz. >> jon: right. >> stephen: and after that, i tempted-- i got a trumpet. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: and-- ( laughter ) it wasn't that funny. i tried. i tried my best, all right. >> jon: yeah, you put a good effort in. >> stephen: "a" for effort. and i attempted my first
available on itunes. we'll be back with a performance by mr. jon batiste, everybody.ld.now, a bull rider on a plane... ...is bolder than bold. and if he jumps from that plane... ...that's bolder than bolder than bold! and if he jumps while eating... ...a butterfinger bar... ...in all its crispety-crunchety, ...peanut-buttery glory... ...that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! and if he eats it... honey! ...even when his mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...that's... ...bolder than bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! bolder than bold. crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery! butterfinger. honey, do you know where my beige socks are? check the walk-in closet. richard! there are two types of people in the world. those who are content to blend in- these people walk through life like beige socks. then there are those who expect more. they're exciting.
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because it's rigged by wall street. and that's the problem. as long as washington is bought and paid for, we can't build an economy that works for people. sanders: i'm bernie sanders, and i approve this message. e.p." is available for download now. that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be ben stiller,
gentlemen, all the way from kensington, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden! (cheers and applause) >>james: good evening. welcome to the "the late late show"! thanks for being here! i appreciate it! good evening, everybody! you all look so happy to be here! some more than others. (cheers and applause) i think i know why. it was in the news this week that two behavioral scientists at a research institute in the netherlands have conducted a study proving the existence of the phenomenon we know as "resting bitch face." (laughter)
bitch face is, it's when your looks like you just got a parking ticket. (laughter) it's sort of... (laughter) the researchers have discovered that "resting bitch face" can be traced to two different things. it's either: a: something in a person's face is relaying greater-than-usual amounts of contempt or b: that person is a bitch. that's right, resting bitch face. is real, and men do it, too. the difference is when women do it, we say it's "resting bitch face," and when men do it it's just every movie poster.
and me, look at that! double-o bitch! but there are ways to avoid resting bitch face. your resting face should be happy and inviting. take this stock photo of a random guy we found on the internet: look how nice that guy looks. his teeth are showing, his cheeks are raised. he looks like a friend to everyone. we should all try to look more like
that. he's who? ohhh. right. okay. i've got to do more research. under a lot of scrutiny lately is presidential candidate ted cruz. writing in "psychology today," a neurologist at george washington university said that ted cruz's face is notably unsettling and exhibits atypical expressions. i mean, come on. what's not to like about this face? (laughter) it's like a bad high school
like, "chin up just a bit. ok, now look extremely constipated. perfect." i mean, he looks like a balloon two weeks after a party. the neurologist who conducted this study has said that he's never actually seen a conventional smile out of ted cruz. to be fair, the neurologist who did this study was ben carson. i mean, you have to be really weird looking to be the weird looking guy in a presidential race that also includes this face. actually, let's see how donald trump described ted cruz in a recent msnbc interview where he was given candidates' names and asked to give a one-word response. >> ted cruz. i was going to say n.s.a.y,