tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC January 27, 2016 11:37pm-12:37am CST
let's get to the news. donald trump's campaign released a statement announcing he will boycott tomorr's debate saying roger ailes and fox news think they can toy with him. but, mr. trump doesn't play games. a statement that would carry a lot more weight if trump hadn't literally hosted a game show. [ laughter ] that was a game. no one there was an actual apprentice. following donald trump's decision to boycott tomorrow's debate. ted cruz says trumumis afraid to face moderator megyn kelly, because if she asks him mean questions, his hair might stand on end. [ laughter ] and that's a sight no one wants to see. only swirled, stacked not on end. after donald trump's decision to boycott tomorrow's debate jeb bush told trump to stop whining.
to say was, stop winning. just stop winning. my brother was president, mymyad was prprident. stop winning. dr. ben carson said today that although donald trump has announced he will boycott the debate carson wouldn't be surprised if he did show up. then again it's ben carson, he wouldn't be surprised if he was licked awake in the morning by a unicorn. [ laughter ] oh, hello friend. hello, mythical buddy. bernie sanders had a private meeting with president obama earlier today. well, as private as a meeting with bernie sanders can be. [ shouting ] hello, mr. president. i'm ready to discuss the sensitive issues. keep it down, bernie, keep it down -- gotta keep it down -- mr. president -- keep it downwn [ laughter ] it's a one man show i'm doing. a recent poll found that donald trump and hillary clinton
of the 2016 campaign. while mike huckabee and chris christie just have the most face. [ laughter and applause ] the advocacy group one million moms has called for a boycott of the new fox show "lucifer" because they believe the series glorifies satan. and is complaining to the shows main sponsor olive garden. wait, olive garden sponsors "lucifer?" i always thought it was the other way around. [ laughter ] that's right one million moms wants to boycott the new fox show "lucifer" because they say it glorifies satan. to which i say, have you not seen "the bachelor?" [ laughter ] wildlife officials in tanzan announced this week that they found a rare, all white giraffe, here's a photo. [ laughter ]
german too. [ laughter ] and finally a brooklyn artist is planning an exhibition this weekend where she will sit naked on a toilet for ten hours in the middle of a gallery. and will invite patrons to sit on a second toilet across frfr her. the exhibition is called "my worst nightmare." [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen we have a great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] we'll be talking to the upcoming 2016 election with republican senator john mccain. [ cheers and applause ] also from the msg network, "four cocoses with j.b. smooveve comedian j.b. smoove joins us. [ cheers and applause ] and we'll have music from a great danish band, singer/songwriter lukas graham. [ cheers and applause ] now as some of you might know, i used to work on "saturday night live" and i was an anchor on "weekend updat" i did it with amy poehler. and one of the favorite things we got to do in that time was something called "really with seth and amy."
me to do. and i was very excited to read this in bloomberg politics yesterday. eliott engle, a democratic congressman from new york. he has introduced a bill@about fle throwers. bill hr 4009 recently introduced by engle called the flame thrower's really act. and so i thought, well that can't have anything to do with our really, because really is a word a lot of people use. but, it turns out it is. he even goes on and say, "i'm a big snl fan," said engle. "i have ve confident people we thought, gee, it'serfect, let's just do it. thus w wh the flame thrower's really act christened. we thought really would make the point, "said engle i was incredibly honored and feeling pretty good about myself. to the very next line the bill hasn't exactly rocketed out of committee. [ laughter ] now, what the flame thrower act is about, is it's about making it harder for people to be able touy flame throwers. it turns out, there's only two states in the nation that have any restrictions on flame throwers whatsoever.
they bring them to your house. and obviously it's a big deal to engle. and he even said at the end of the article, maybe i could appear on his show, he says hopefully we could do it before the primaries, the show is on very, very late, but it's pretty good. [ laughter ] let me just say if you want to appear on the show. maybe say it's on pretty late, but it's very, very good. and obviously i respect what eliott engle is doing, but the only thing i'll say is, the reason i can't have you on the show, i believe it's every americic's right to own an operate flame throwers. [ laughter ] and i know people say, but flame throwers throw flames. no, people throw flames. and i have the right to feel safe at night with a flame thrower by my bed because you never know when a japanese world war ii soldier is going to kick
you're going to want a flame thrower. i agree, gun control, but not flame throwers. george washington wanted me to have a flame thrower. but again, i do want to thank congressman eliott engle for havivi a really bill, realal happy about that. thank you so much congressmen. [ cheers and applause ] now, republican strong runner, donald trump has announced that he will sit out thursday night's gop debate on fox news after complaining that fox anchor megyn kelly has been unfair to him. for more on this, it's time for "a couple things." [ applause ] >> seth: first thing, trump has been complainini for months about kelly. but, of course as you saw this week a trump complaint is also a trump brag. >> i don't like her. she doesn't treat me fairly. i'm not a big fan of hers at all, i don't care. she probably was -- i might be the best thing that ever happened to her. [ laughter ] >> seth: that's donald trump crcricizing someone and d en throrong in a compliment f f himself.
[ laughter ] second thing, fox news release a statement mocking trump which trump said looks like it was quote "written by a child." and take it from trump, a guy who knows how to write like a child. this is the actual sdatement he issued announcing his decision to skip the debate. as someone who h h a personal net worth of many billions of dollars, mr. trump knows a bad deal when he sees one. unlike the very stupid highly incompetent people running our country into the ground, mr. trump doesn't play games. now, did trump actually sit down and write that statement or dictate it to siri while power walking on a treadmill. that sounds like a 12-year-old's interpretation of the movie "wall street." no, more playing games. i'm a big important business man. and i have a lot of billions of dollars. now trump's rivals like jeb bush have been attacking him over this, hoping it will hurt him with some of his supporters, which brings us to a third thing. this isn't going to hurt him with his sporters. they've stood by him through
and you think this is the straw that's going to break the camel's back? how dare you, sir. you can attack mexicans and muslims, and black people, disabled people and veterans but skipping the 7th of a 13th scheduled republican debate is a bridge too far. final thing, hate trump all you want. but, you have to admit this is a brilliant move. all anyone is going to do for the next day is wait to see if trump will show up. it's like waiting for goudeau but spelled like this. [ laughter ] this has been "a couple of things." we'll be back with more "late night."
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night", everybody. as many of you know, the iowa caucus is on monday and every day it seemsike there's a bunch of new polls coming out of iowa about the election. and i figured maybe we should get into the act. so, i called a bunun of iowa voters and tried to try to ask them some poll questions about the upcoming iowa caucus. let's take a look.
these are some iowa phone numbers. we're about to do some polling. [ phone ringing ] hi, , m seth meyers from nbc's ate night with seth meyers" and we're conducting a poll about the iowa caucus. i was wondering if i could record this call? >> no, thank you, i'm not interested. >> seth: okay, thanks. [ light laughter ] hi, i was calling to conduct a poll about the iowa caucus. are you a registered voter? [ dial tone ] hello? [ dial tone ] >> no, thank you, i'm not interested. [ dial tone ] >> seth:h:re you a registered voter? >> yes, sir. >> seth: are you a republican or a democrat? >> republican. >> seth: who's your least favorite candidate on the democratic side? >> hillary. >> seth: i'm going to name somebody, and you tell me if you would vote for that person over hillary clinton, okay? >> yep. >> seth: vladimir putin? >> no. [ buzzer ] >> seth: hannibal lecter? >> no. [ buzzer ] >> seth: cruella de vil? >> maybe. [ ding ] [ laughter ] >> seth: why do you think jeb bush looks so sad all the time? >> that's a good question.
>> i think 'cause he's getting his ass kicked, i think. [ laughter ] >> seth: i think that's probably fair. >> just sayin'. >> seth: on a one to ten, how sexy do you think bernie sanders is? >> oh, my god. yuck. >> i'm not interested. >> no thank you, i'm not interested. >> seth: okay. [ phone ringing ] >> hello, please leave a message after the tone. [ beep ] >> seth: cruz, bush, kasich, trump, paul, fiorina, rubio, christie, carson, or huckabee? get back to us. [ laughter ] [ phone dialing ] hi, mom, it's me, do you mind if i record this phone call? >> no, it's fine. >> seth: okay, thanks. we've been calling people in iowa trying to get them to answer polls for us. >> yeah, but nobody does answer a poll. >> seth: nobody answers any polls. >> no. >> seth: do you get called a lot? >> i d d but i never answer them. [ light laughter ] >> seth: why do you still have a land line? >> that's a good question. >> seth: can i tell you the answer?
>> seth: yeah, it's because you don't know how your cell phone works. [ light laughter ] >> exactly. >> seth: would you have a beer with bernie sanders? >> oh, sure. >> seth: would you do cross fit with martin o'mallll? >> uh, yeah, i guess so. >> seth: would you eat a honey baked ham with chris christie? >> i might not get much of it, i tell you. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, that would be the fear. if i told you hillary clinton would pay for lunch, would you have lunch with her? >> no. >> seth: what if she paid for lunch and was at the resurant, but at a different table? >> no. [ light lalahter ] >> seth: okay, what if she's outside the restaurant, she still pays, you can bring a friend? >> no. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, last one. >> she's a crook. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay. well, guess what? the end thing was while you were at the restaurant she was robbing your house. [ laughter ] so, you are very good that you decided not to go. >> the number you have reached has been disconnected or is no
>> seth: well which is it? [ dial-up tone ] don't put your fax number in the phone book. hello, aol? i'm calling from the future. i wanted to know how 1995 was. [ laughter ] hi, can i record this call? >> you can record this call, but i'm in the middle of training.g. but that's okay. >> seth: what do you mean middle of training? what are you doing? >> my trainer's here? >> seth: a guy? >> yeah. >> seth: all right. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> seth: handsome? >> yes. >> seth: he is? >> he is handsome, yes. >> seth: okay. good shape? >> good shape? of course he's in good shape. [ laughter ] >> seth: better shape than dad? >> better shape than dad? oh, yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: all right, have fun with aaron. >> okay, bye. >> seth: can't wait to meet him next christmas. [ laughter ] [ phone riing ] >> hello? >> seth: hi, this is seth meyers from nbc's "late night with seth meyers." we're conducting a poll about the iowa caucus. would you mind if i recorded this call? >> sure, that'okay. [ laughter ] >> seth: that felt awesome.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our first guest tonight was the 2008 republican presidential nominee and is currently serving his fifth term as united states senator for arizona. please welcome back to the show, senator hn mccain. [ applplse ] >> seth: how are you? >> living the dream. >> seth: living the dream. here you are on late night. >> t ting to do the lord's'sork in t t city of satan. [ light laughtht ] >> seth: well, you're off to a good start. you're off to a good start. >> and with the snowstorm -- >>
seth: yeah. >>hey were out of session. >> setet yeah, i'm so sorry.y. >> it was will rogers said, no man's property is safe while the legislature is in session.
>> he also said, suppose you're a congressman, suppose your an idiot, but then i repeat myself. [ laughter ] >> seth: there you go. well it's nice to have a good sense of humor about your profession. >> i'm glad to see you. i have not recovered, i have not recovered. >> seth: i wanted to ask about
this. you obviously are from arizona. you'rere cardinals fan. tough game. >> thousands of people. we gave them a send off in 73 degree weather in phoenix. >> seth: very nice. >> i'm like that's for thehe omomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomomom just, just, we can be proud of the season, we can be proud of the players, you and i both know larry fitzgerald. >> seth: a fine gugu >> one o othe really fine athletes and the fine men that i have ever known. [ applause ] >> seth: do you, how do you watch sports? are you somebody that gets vocally angry or do you get sad and quiet? >> i did not sit down the whole game. >> seth: there you go. yeah. i'm sort of that was as well. >> pacing aroundyelling. peterson, our bebe, arguably one of the best defensive backs in football, muffed a punt at the
>> seth: yeah. >> but. >> seth: well it was a great season, i agree. >> great season. we got a great coach, arians. we got a areat owner, mike bidwill. and the fans we have just tremendous support and so, wait til next year. >> seth: but here's the good news, football is over. there's another incredible competition that's going on, that's going to go until next november, and it's fascinating. [ light laughter ] >> is it? >> seth: it is fascinatiti. i have to ask. you obvioulsy went -- >> it's not a contact sport it's collision sport. >> seth: it's a collision sport. [ light laughter ] 2008, does this just feel like a whole different world, in 2016? >> different planet. >> seth: yeah. >> everything's different. >> seth: what, how do you think -- >> is that of me? is that white hair, that little doll? >> seth: this? no, that's stefon. >> who is that? stefon. >> seth: that's a stefon. i'm very surprised. [ cheers and applause ] i guess from the back stefon could be john mccain. >> with that hair. >> seth: but very different when he turns around.
>> seth: so how do you think you would be doing if you were running the sort of campaign you ran in 2008? >> not so good. >> seth: not so good, yeah. >> i just think it's so hard for these e n and one woman to break through because trump takes all the oxygen out of the room. so, i think it's very difficult. very difficult. >> seth: how would you, cause it seems like everyrye has tried different tactics through the debates. at the beginning it was everyone piled on trump and then it was everybody tried to make friends with trump and now it seems like people are pulling their hair out trying to come up with a strategy to dent his poll numbers. how would you advise people? i'm glad i'm not doing that. there's not much left. i think -- it's impossible for me to tell them what to do because i've never seen anything like this.s. i know in new hampshire the standard knowledge, the accepted wisdom was you gotta go shake their hands. you gotta meet them. there's an old joke, there was a guy y om arizona that ran,n,e got a bunch of losers from arizona, you know? and he said, a guy from manchester said to the other guy what do you think about moe udall fopresident?
him twice." and d at's funny because i is true. people in wisconsin are conventional wisdom, excuse me, new hampshire, the conventional wisdom was that you had to really let them get to know you. that's beauty of new hampshire. you can't buy new hampshire. well, trump's winning by whatever it is in new hampshire. >> seth: are there too many -- >> by the way, m m udall, nobody ever remembers him, i loved him. he walked into a barbershop in manchester, new hampshire and said hi, "i'm morris udall from arizona and i'm running for presidenenof the united stateses and the barber said yeah we were just laughing about that this morning." [ laughter ] >> seth: good people. good people. that's my hometown right there you're talking about. so i know very well. >> so all i'm saying is its totally unpredictable. anybody that says he can shoot somebody and still get elected, that's beyond any frfre work of politics that i've ever seen. >> seth: well the crazy thing is that somebody can say that, it's
numbers. >> right. you can say anything but it doesn't seem no matter what he says. build a wall, make mexicans pay for it. >> seth: there were, i feel like 20, 20 flubs back he said about u, he disparaged you as a p.o.w. >> mm-hmm. >> seth: everyone said this is the end of the trump express, and it wasn't even close. when someone like your old running mate like sarah palin suppppts trump what is your view on something like that? >> i respect sarah's view and obviously it gave "saturday night live" another boost. [ laughter and applause ] i do think there are slow weeks where lorne calls her up and says, "have you thought about endorsing trump?" [ light laughter ] i think it would be good if you did. now the other person who is closest to trump is senator ted cruz. you also have a history with him. you have once referred to him as a wackckbird, at least once.e. how do you feel about the party
and a wacko bird. >> well,l,enator cruz will not be voted miss congeniality again this year in the united states senate, i can assure you of that. >> seth: that's seems to be what we're hearing. >> he hahastruck a chord. all of these p pple struck a chord. both trump, cruz and sanders, oaky? and that is that there's dissatisfaction with washington. millions of americans, for a moment of seriousness, millions of americans have stopped looking for work. the middle class is shrinking at what we define as the middle class. people have not seen any improvement in their lives. they haven't, this strikes sanders, theheery wealthy and have gotten a lot wealthier. so, you see a frustration and anger out there which then rejects the quote, establishment or elected people. trump, excuse me, cruz has tapped into that. sanders has tapped into it and of course trump has, you know, and one thing good bernie now brushes his hair. so that's good. >> seth: yes. [ light laughter ] >> so that's good.
day and he said, "i said, who i'm for trump. he tells it like it is. hehe going to make america great i said, good, i said, well who's your second choice? he said sanders. you know. [ light laughter ] i mean, it's, it's both ends of the spectrum of dissatisfaction. >> seth: he just escaped, the escaped from an insane asylum right, yeah? he was being chased down the street. >> listen, bernie sanders came to tucson, arizona a couple of months ago and 13,000 people showed up, okay. i think i have a degree of acceptance in arizona. i couldn't draw 13,000 people to a rally in tucson, arizona and look at how he's doing in the polls in new hampshire now. and it isn't just because he's fromom neighboring state. he has tapped into that vein of dissatisfaction that's on the other end. and so we're in for the most interesting political campaign. and my dear friends if you care,
it's going to matter. [ applause ] >> seth: now your friend senator the race. you, i would have endorsed him, you endorsed him. now we cannot expect an correct? >> no, it's better for me to look, i've got a challenger in my own race. >> seth: mm-hmm. >> so, i'm working hard for re-election, so. you support trump? of the party. look, the world isn fire and we h he attacks on the uninid states of america. i think i have some knowledge and expertise on national security. i've got to work with the next president of the united states. we have a group out there, of radical islamic terrorists that are trying to harm america and i have to work wititwhoever it is. that's my obligation. >> seth: now, when, be honest, when you watch republican debates do you ever laugh and say i'm so glad i'm not up there? >> yes. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter and applause ] i don't blame you. i don't blame you.
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the person who lives here... has to solve problems as big as the world... and as small as your kitchch table. that's the job. everyday. and now, the first lady who helped get healthcare for eight million kids... the senator who helped a city rise again... the secretararof state who ststd up for america, and stared down hostile leaders around the world... is the one candidate for president who has everything it takes to do every part of the job... she'e' never let anyone privatize social security and medicare... or shut down planned parenthood... she'll take on the gun lobby... finally get equal pay for women... and stop the republicans from ripping all our progogss away. so on february first, stand up for hillary. because if you want a president who knows how to keep america safe... and build a strongererconomy... hillary's the choice... i'm listening to you, i'm fighting for you, and with your support, i'm going to deliver. i'm hillary clinton
congress doesn't regulate wall street... wall street regulates congress. it's a rigged economy that sends most new wealth to the top 1%. and it's held in p pce by a corrupt political system where wall street banks and billionaires buy elections. my campaign is funded by over two and a half million small contributions. people who know you can't level the playing field by taking more money from wall street. i'm bernie sanders, and i approve this message. join the
fight to take back our government. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody, please give it up for the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] also, she's been on drums all week. from sleater-kinney, janet weiss, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] be sure to check out sleater-kinney's latest record, the critically acclaimed "no city's to love," available now. thank you for a great week, janet and please come back any time. >> t tnk you.
[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: also fred, very nice work on bass this week. lovely to have you back as well. >> fred: thanks, seth. >> seth: and one of the great things about having fred here, is i get a chance to talk to my friend who i don't see enough. and one of the things we've been talking about is, there's so much good television right now, portlandia season six just started. congratulations on that. [ cheeee and applause ] >red: thank you. >> seth: and, my problem is, i don't have time to watch
all the shows on television, all the good tv shows. fred, on the other hand, says that he manages to build his schedule so he sees every episode of every television show. [ light laughter ] >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: you stand by that? >> fred: oh, absolutely, everything. >> seth: all right, that means it's time for "fred armisen's extremely accurate recap." [ applause ] >> seth: all right, so i'm going to give you the title of the show and i want you to tell me what happened, according to "tv guide," what happens, what happens on this show, okay? >> fred: of course, yeah. >> seth: so, it's "mercy street" on pbs. >> fred: oh, yeah, "mercy street." [ light laughter ] that's this old king, this swedish king, and it olden times.
bricks and old streets and an old castle. clothes are very, sort of ornate. [ light laughter ] and the king is there, and he's, so he's got this kingdom and nothing is going on. so, he reads about all these other kingdoms. he's like, oh, my god, there are wars everywhere, there's so much going on. there is nothing going on in this kingdom. so all, the people who work for him are like, what do you want us to do? and he's like, i don't want you to do anything, you know. [ light laughter ] i'm just commenting on the other kingdom. [ light laughter ] why can't i just say something. there doesn't have to be an ending to it. and they were like, they were like, oh we couldn't tell if you wanted us, like, usually when you say something. that's your command to have a go, you know, do whatever. and he's like, well this is not one of those times. [ light laughter ] and they're like, so they go, you know what, we're gonna leave you, we're gonna leave you for a little while. you need some time alone obviously. and he's like, i'd appreciate that.
yeah. >> seth: that's "mercy street." >> that's "mercy street." >> seth: now, according to "tv guide", "mercy street" is a show set in the civil war mansion hospital in virginia. >> fred: that happens. [ laughter ] >> seth: that also happens? >> fred: that happens, but no. but, yes. >> seth: all right. well, thank you, so much, fred armisen. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >eth: you guys our nene guest tonight is a very funny comedian, one of the funniest. he was best known for his role of leon black on hbo's "curb your enthusiasm." you can currently see new episodes of his series "four courses with jb smoove" on msg network. he'll also be heading carolines on broadway this thursday through saturday. please welcome to the show, one of our favorites, jb smoove.
>> seth: you look good. >> hey, man, you look good, brother. i watch you every night, man. you are doing an amazing job. >> seth: thank you, buddy. >> you are still the man, and fred's okay too. >> seth: fred's okay too? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: but now, you, you look like this, and you just had a big birthday, you just turned 50. >> seth: your party's still going. >> it's still going on. you know what, it's carrying over. >> seth: it's carrying over. >> i had a classic man -- >> seth: yeah, tell me a little bit about what your plan was. >> i planned to have a throw back party. >> seth: uh-huh. >> my party was a classic man's burlesque casino party. >> seth: okay. >> it was amazing. >> seth: this is what you actually wore, this is your actual outfit? >hat's my, that's my y tfit. custom made, velvet leather, not leather, velvet red jacket. my wife and i saw -- >> seth: you and your beautiful wife, she's fantastic. >> saw it, looked beautiful. we were very throw back. see that car right there? >> seth: yeah. >> that's an old car. it leaks oil.
>> seth: it leaked oil? >> oh man, oil everywhere. >> seth: it was, is that oil? >> we almost fell four times, man. [ light laughter ] but, the car was beautifululan, and everythihi was flawless, man. my entrance was amazing. larry david shows up at my party. >> seth: larry david, "curb your enthusiasm." >> larry showed up at my party, man. >> seth: larry david, jb smoove one of the great comedy tandems of the last two decades. and tell me, what is it like when larry comes to your party. >> when larry comes to your party, he comes early. he came before the hors d'oeuvres, man. he was like -- >> seth: early, did he come too early? >> he came so early, he could have put the finishing touches on the, on the hors d'oeuvres. sprinkle a little oregano on them, or something like that. he came really early. and i was upstairs in the hotel because, you know, my party until it's full. >> seth: gotcha. >> so larry's walking around, gettin mad, because i'm not there yet. he, it's in the paper, said i'm fashionably late for my own party. >> come on, larry! >> seth: were your other friends there, or was it just larry? >> a lot of people were there, but not everybody. >> seth: okay. >> you understand? so, when i got, when came down,
stage, larry's right on my tail said, "hey, where you been at, man, you know, i've been here, i've been here for a long time. i got things to do." i go, larry, "it's a black party this is what time black people show up." [ laughter ] and he said, "okay, well, jews leave early, see you later." [ laughter ] thank you, larry! >> seth: and here's proof that the two of you were hanging out there. >> we were there, hanging out. it was amaz -- we did 10 minutes on stage of banter about me coming down late. >> seth: too late, now, we worked together at "saturday night live." >> we did. >> seth: we were on the writing staff at the same time. and you were legendary, fred you can attest to this, jb's monday pitches -- >> ah, man. >> seth: we would pitch to the host, you had some of the greatest pitches of all time. i want to read some of my highlights and you just tell us what the idea is. the guy who works at subway who used to be a bank teller. >> oh, this guy is funny. cause, you know why? cause he w wks at the bank for a long time, he makes great sandwiches, but he can't get the bank teller out of him -- every time he asks if you want cheese on your sandwich, he licks his
[ laughter ] >> salami? salami? >> seth: the apimptice? >> the apimptice was about, you know what, it was a take on the apprentice with snoop dogg was, snoop dogg. >> seth: was the host. >> he was the apimptice. and he sent everyone on a castout to sell their ass. [ light laughter ] the one who sold the most ass was the champion apimptice. >> seth: right. >> it's simple. >> seth: yep. >> it should have made air. >> seth: infomercial for a face -- you had a great way for people to have a cheap face lift. >> so what you do is this, okay, you take your hands, both hands, right? you grab the side of your face and pull back. you pull back, right? now, here's the trick. you pull back, of course you're saying, why? your hands are showing, everyone looks at your hands.
wig that covers your hands up, so -- [ light laughter ] they don't, they don't see you pulling your face back. >> you do have to keep the hand there's all day? >> yeah. you get some fake arms to hang down. [ light laughter ] >> i forgot about the fake arms. >> it's simple. >> seth: helicopter family. >> the helicopter family was brilliant! it was about a couple that met in the military, right? they met, they were both helicopter pilots. >> seth: mm-hmm. >> and they both got out of the military, started a family, but they can't get the helicopter out of their system, because they was around a helicopter so much. so, you go to thanksgiving dinner, they're all slumped over like this, talk very loud. pass the cranberry, pass the cranberry, come on, pass the cranberry. [ light laughter ] so they just like, they just still in the helicopter in their minds. >> seth: they're still in the helicopter. tom brady, i remember this, for tom brady you wrote a thing from the 1950s, he was the first football player, famous for this, the fifit football player to slap another man's ass. >> imma tell you something, last year i did media day for the nfl, and i brought it up to him
>> he remembered it too. >> seth: that's great. >> so, this guy's name was nick butkowski. >> seth: okay. >> butkowski. he was the first player ever, in the heyday of the nfl, to smack another man on the ass. >> seth: yeah. >> after a good play. but nobody understood why a man would touch another man on the ass in the 1950s. [ light laughter ] >> seth: right. >> he was the only nfl player to be traded to every team, because nobody understood why another man would do that? [ laughter ] when it really hits it? hey, this is when, he got, he got traded so many times. but one particular time, is when he smacked a man's ass in the shower, that's when he went too far! >> yeah, that's too far. too far. >> that's too far. >> seth: now, this is, you were obviously a lot more, and don't, this is a compliment. you're a lot more refined than you were in those days. and now you host a show called "four courses." you are. you sit down, you have a meal with people. are you, do you have manners? cause it must be weird doing a talk show while everybody's eating. >> let me tell you something, there's a reason why madison square garden picked jb smoove to be ---- >> seth: okay. >> to host an amazing show
not only do i love food, i'm very, i like etiquette. see my legs crossed right here? see this here? are you here yet? are you here yet? >> i'm not quite there yet, no. >> ooh, you're going to be here soon. >> seth: okay. >> right over left, or left over right? >> seth: okay. >> so. >> seth: what other option would i choose? [ light laughter ] >> some people have both legs backwards. [ light laughter ] >> seth: oh that's not, yeah. >> which is very uncomfortable. my show -- i like etiquette, i'm very decadent. you know what decadent is? >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> mm. i don't know why, but, i'm from north carolina originally, raised in new york city since i was three years old. but, i consider myself very european. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> i'm very, like, black european minded. very much so. my leg is crossed, i eat delicate little food_. know what i eat? >> seth: what do you eat? >> i order a plate, a morsel, a, little morsels of food. do you know what a morsel is? >> seth: you order a morsel? >> little morsel, a sample of food. >> seth: okay. >> i don't eat heavy any more. i'd ask like, give me a plate full of little morsels. [ light t ughter ] >> seth: and that'll, that works at a restaurant?
just a little morsel, a sample plate. little morsels of food. people love morsels. people don't use the word morsel enough. >> seth: no. [ light laughter ] >> am i right? >> seth: no. >> when is the last time you heard morsel? >> it's been a while, yeah. >> just now? >> seth: well just now and then a second before it and a second before, and a second before. >> little delicate bites of food. a little morsel, a little taste of food, be putting your tongue on. >> seth: if you keep doing that, i'm never going to use morsel. you love morsels, and now, you're so european, there's been a lot of talk who's going to be the next james bond. you want to throw your hat into the ring. >> i'm throwing my hat into the ring, the presidential ring, the james bond ring, i'm throwing my hat everywhere. my hat is in every circle right now. >> seth: okay. >> especially the james bond one. because, see, i like to chase people. >> seth: you like to chase people? >> oh, i'm a good chaser, man. [ light laughter ] and know what, and i'm very good at getting the enemy secrets out of you. the code to the nuclear weapon or whatever it is. >> seth: you're good at that? >> oh, i'm a good torturer, i like to torture people. [ light laughter ] here's my thing about torturing. i had to prove to them how tough i am.
torture myself at the same time. [ light laughter ] you understand? so, i'm torturing you. to show you how committed i am to my job, how tough my ass is. i'm going to torture the hell out of myself, just to prove a point. and i do weird stuff to people. weird, weird tortures, like. >> seth: what are your tortures? [ talking over each other ] >> i would take youruringers f. cut all your fingers off, all your toes off, then i'll put the fingers on the toes and toes on your fingers. >> seth: oh that wouldn't be, yeah. >> aha! >> seth: you know why, cause toes, you know what they can't do with toes, eat morsels. >> you can't eat morsels. [ light laughter ] i do that, and then i send your ass back. i let you go, back to your people. >> seth: right. >> so they can see what the hell happened to you. >> seth: there you go. >> see there? >> seth: i think you would be a very good james bond. >> damn good james b bd. >> s sh: and you're going to be at carolines this weekend. that's fantastic. >> gonna be great. >> seth: everybody in new york city should come check you out. >> i got some amazing shows. two shows, two big shows on thursday, two friday, two saturday. it don't stop. >> it doesn't stop for jb smoove. >> oh, it don't stop for jb smoove. >> seth: thank you so much, thank you so much for finding the time to come here. >> anytime. you are my guy, man. >> seth: you're my guy.
>> seth:h:b smoove, everybody.y. check out new episodes of "four courses" on msg network, we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] this is henry's hard orange. it's a delicious, refreshing and easy to drink hard soda. but not too hard- you've got stuff to do tomorrow. henry's hard soda.
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once i was seven years old my momma told me go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely once i was seven years old it was a big, big world but we thought we were bigger pushing each other to the limits we were learning quicker by eleven smoking herb and drinking burning liquor never rich so we were out to make that steady figure once
i was eleven years old my daddy told me go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely once i was eleven years old i always had that dream like my daddy before me so i started writing songs i started writing stories something about this glory just always seemed to bore me
i really love will ever really know me once i was 20 years old my story got told before the morning sun when life was lonely once i was 20 years old i only see my goals i don't believe in failure 'cause i know the smallest voices they can make it major i got my boys with me at least those in favor and if we don't meet before i leave i hope i'll see you later once i was 20 years old my story got told i was writing about everything i saw before me once i was 20 years old soon we'll be 30 years old our songs have been sold we've traveled around the world and we're still roaming
30 years old i'm still learning about life my woman brought children for me so i can sing them all my songs and i can tell them stories most of my boys are with me some are still out seeking glory some i had to leave behind my brother i'm still sorry soon i'll be 60 years old my daddy got 61 remember life and then your life becomes a better one i made a man so happy when i wrote a letter once i hope my children come and visit once or twice a month soon i'll be 60 years old will i think the world is cold or will i have a lot of children who can warm me soon i'll be 60 years old >> come on, kasper! come on, bring it! soon i'll be 60 years old will i think the world is cold
a lot of children who can warm me soon i'll be 60 years old once i was seven years old my momma told me go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely once i was seven years old once i was seven years old [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: thank you very much. lukas graham, everyone! their u.s. self-titled debut album is out march 26th.
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