tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC January 29, 2016 11:38pm-12:38am CST
week that donald trump is the most unelectable republican he's seen in his lifetime. then he walked by a mirror and said, "whoops, never mind! [ laughter ] i forgot about that fellow named me." former alaska governor sarah palin yesterday endorsed republican frontrunner donald truru. let's take a look. she's clearly enjoying herself, but look at trump. he is not having a good time. [ laughter ] that's a face you make when your mom is telling your girlfriend how you used to wet the bed. [ laughter ] a recent study found that people who use aol e-mail give the most money to political campaigns because, you know, you can't take it with you. [ laughter and applause ] might as well. according to a new report, by 2050, the world's oceans will contain more plastic trash than fish. so the next time you get dumped, rememberthere's plenty of trash in the sea. [ lighghlaughter ]
[ laughter ] we usually don't lose an audience member to a heart attack this early in the show. [ laughter ] a florida man has been arrested for stealing a $1,500 dog from a pet store and trading et for crack. [ light laughter ] on the plus side, we finally have the answer to the question, "how much is that doggie in the window?" [ laughter ] a lile bummed out. fast f fd chain white castlele announced this week that they will be offering dinner reservations for valentine's day. it's the perfect way to tell the person you love that you don't. [ laughtht ] that's right, white e stle for valentine's day, because there's mathematicians have discovered a new 22 million digit prime number.. though after trying it a few times, the mathematicians are beginning to suspect that the woman gave them a fake number. [ light laughter ] so surprised our prime number joke didn't kill.
such a juicy comedy prememe. you know, when you're a comedy writer and you're reading the news, you're like, "oh, a new prime number? jokes gonna come." [ light laughter ] and firefighters in italy recently helped a woman break out of her chastity belt after she locked it and lost the keys. that's nice. it's always so heartwarming when you hear those stories about firefighters rescuing g kitty. [ audience oohs ] oh, what? it's fine. we're all going to be okay. you guys. [ cheers and applause ] we have a great show for you tonight. he is one of the funniest people on earth. he's one of the stars of the 11th seasosoof "it's always sunny in philadelphia" on fxx. danny devito is with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] how about that? a legend. also, e's a fantastic comedian. she has a new comedy special "i'm your girlfriend" on hbo. our friend, whitney cummings is back on "late night" tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and we will have music from a great new jersey band, the front
and this is very cool. [ cheers and applause ] they used a fan-voted twitter votes in 24 hours for the song show. so i'm looking fororrd to that. we're gonna have a great show for you guys tonight. you're here on an excellent evening. [ cheers and applause ] now, i know it's wednesday. i know this happened a few days ago, but i'm finally in a place where i can talk about it. the nfl playoffs are going on right now. i'm a pittsburgh steelers fan. they lost last weekend, and it s a bummer. that is a bummer for me. and i watched it alone in my apartment with mi wife, and she could care less about foball was very sweet, though, she started watching the game on the couch with me to support. but then she got bored and started watching a documentary on her ipad on the couch. and it was the documentary "amy," which is a wonderful film
story about amy winehouse. and it's really mean to watch a sad documentary when the other person in the room is watching a football game, because it completely takes away my ability to get upset about what's happening on my thing. [ light laughter ] like she has her headphones in and i'm screaming, "no, no!" and she's like, "what happened?" and i said, "he fumbled." and then she asks, "but everybody's ay, right? [ laughter ] like nobody died?" i said, "no, everybody's fine." she's like, "okay, i'm going to go back to my super tragic real life thing." [ laughter ] so then her brother r mes over and the two of them are in the kitchen, and they're having a lovely time because neither of them care about what's going on. so they're happy because their happiness isied to a human interaction that they have ntrol over, whereas i've tied happiness to events that are completely beyond my control and i'm irrationally passionate about. so, game ends, steelers lose, i turn off the tv, and then
kitchen into their conversation to go get a glass of water. and i just walk in and alexi's brother, my brother-in-law, tolya, who's lovely, said, "did they win, buddy?" instead of saying, "no," i do this. i turn and i snap, "am i acting like they won? [ laughter ] does this look like somebody who is celebrating big victory? [ laughter ] what kind of social cues are taking from me?" [ applause ] and this is the kind of thing my wife and her family have t tput up with me all the time. i'm such an ass [ bleep ] that a bad thing happened to me and then i immediately walked into the kitchen to become a victim. and i'm like, "it was bad enough they lost, b b then you asking me. you now have ruined my evening." so then i went in the other room and i'm sitting there, and my wife and i are expecting our first child, which is very exciting, and -- thank you. [ cheers and applause ] and i started thinking, you know, am i going to do this to my kid?
about sports the wayayy dad made me ce about sports? is this going to be a thing that i put in their life, and they'll have to always know that on any given week they'll be upset or happy based on something completely impractical? [ light laughter ] then almost immediately i started thinking, "oh, i should buy a steelers onesie. so that the first day the baby will be in it." [ laughter ] also the other thing i do, which is the worst -- because i think like a lot of football fans, i'm a complete hypocrite, which is the minute my team gets eliminated, i start saying, "you know, concussions are a serious issue. and the owners in sports are billionaires who use public money to build their stadiums, so i don't know how anybody can follow it. enjoy everybody whose teams are still in it." [ light laughter ] so anyway, thankou to my wife and thank you to her family for tting up with me. i'm an i iot and i'm looking forward to the steelers winning the super bowl next year. [ light laughter ] now, we here at "late night" have a team of loy
pollsters. all of whom worked very hard to bring you a little segment we like to call "this week in numbers." [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: let's get started. 12 the number of days left until the iowa caucus. also 12, the number ofays left until jeb bush walks into an iowa cornfie and disappears. [ laughter ] zero, the number of black nominees at this year's oscars. also zero, the number of blart nominees at this yeaeas oscars. [ laughter ] it's a snub. [ laughter ] it's a blart snub. 10 million, the number of paid bscribers to apple music. 9 million, the number of them who said, "wait, i'm subscribed to what now?" [ light laughter ] 12, the number of astrological signs. 25 t t percent that are eaeah signs. 20th, today's date which falls under the sign of capricorn, which is an interesting sign, because while capricorns are strong and loyal friends, their
seem cold and aloof. 100, the percent you don't want to be in this conversation at a party. [ cheers and applause ] six, the number of abs the singer seal has. [ light laughter ] 600,000, the number of times he's referred to them as "seal team 6." [ laughter and applause ] my stomach killed bin laden. 5 million, the number of people whose jobs could be taken over by robots in the next five years, according to a new report. two, the number of people who may have been robots all along. [ laughter and applause ] 62, the number of ultra rich individuals who hold the same amount of wealth as the bottom half of the global population. three, the number we should all rush them on. [ laughter ] three, as in we go on n ree or do we go "one, two, three, go" and go on go? 200, the number of times i've
your heads out of your asses, we're never gonna a t our money back. [ laughter and applause ] 269, the number of stores wal-mart says they will close in 2016. two, the number ofofheckout lanes wal-mart says they will open in 2016. [ light laughter ] that one went good. [ light laughter ] three -- oh just sometimes -- oh, no, i'm behind. the number of months left until the season premier of "game of thrones." [ cheers and applause ] three, the number of months george r. r. martin n s left to release his next book. [ audience oohs ] one, the number of advance copies of george r. r. mtin's new book that i have right here that if i'm being honest, seems to be a little rushed. chapter 23. and then the dragons blew fire and the people died, and the big war happened. and jaime lannister did something and so did his sister. and then one of them maybe died or had sex, it's unclear which.
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pleaea give it up for the e band.. [ cheers and applause ] so good to see you guys. also we've been so lucky this week. he's back with us again tonight, one of the most respected drummers in the business, josh freese here. [ [ eers and applause josh has worked with eveveone from milely cyrus to 9 inch nails and has been a member of such iconic bands as sublime with rome and the replacements. thank you so much for being here josh. very happy to have y. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our first guest tonight is a beloved actor, director and producer who throughout his career has earned an emmy and golden globe as well as an academy award nomination. you can currently see him starring as frank reynolds in the comedy series "its always sunny in philadelphia," which airs wednesday nights on fxx. let's take a look. >> the fountain is ours, frank. [ laughter ] >> uh,h,ot exactly. actually the whole snow pallet thing was off the show. i needed to distract a local environmentalist group while i fracked the mountain. >> what?
>> yeah, the banquet, the race, it was all set up. it was just a diversion, it was a distraction because i wanted to get into this hill and suck out its natural resources. >> so all this here was just one big set-up? >> yeah.h. i hired the hookers so you could rip their tops off. >> that makes sense. >> seth: please welcome the one, the only, danny vito! [ cheers and applause e >> seth: so happy to have you here. >> oh, it's so nice to be here. >> seth: frank reynolds -- i feel like that clip does a aood job of showing us who frank reynolds is. is he a bad guy or is he misunderstood? >> he's a greedy -- he's misunderstood. >> seth: he's misunderstood. >> no, he's a bad guy. no, he's a good guy. no, he's misunderstood. he just wants everything. >> seth: he wants everything.
>> yeah, he's greedy. >> seth: is amazing -- we were talking backstage, 11 seasons of this show now. that's fantastic. it's so huge. [ cheers and applalae ] >> thank you. we have wonderful fans. it's really, seriouslyike what makes the show go, and we do it for them. >> seth: that's great. >> and we do it to have a lot of fun. >> seth: you have a fantastic cast. >> and we are sick individuals. yes, that's right. >> seth: you are very lucky because, to work with one great cast on television would be enough for most actors. you, of course, were in one of the great casts of all time in "taxi." >> yes. >> seth: a fantastic show. [ cheers and applause ] a show i love. you started on abc and yiu moved to nbc. how does a hit show w ve? like what happened? >> well what happened was the show was doing really well. we started out behind a show called "thres company." >> seth: sure. >> so we had these amazing ratings. thatatas when there were o oy three networks. and it was just, like,
this crazy, wild, wild recognition in one night. one day you were like -- you're walking around on the street, the next day you couldn't go anywhere because 35% of the audience was watching the show. >> seth: super bowl numbers. that is amazing. >> amazing numbers. okay, now, four years go by and there is a change -- three and a ange at abc, and thehekind of art losing interest t our show. not the audience, the network. bah! i mean, they're snakes, you know what i mean? [ laughter so they moved us around, which is like one of those things where the audience forgets what -- you're on tuesday night, then you're on a wednesday a then thursday, blah, blah, blah. anyway, they canceled us after four years, which was terrible, but this great guy, brandon tartikoff, was at nbc, he took us to the fifth year which was important for everybody. >> seth: right.
get syndicated. then your -- you have 114 shows. we used to do 22 a aear. that's why we had 20, 222225 -- math is not my strong suit. [ light laughter ] but with "sunny," we do 10 shows a year. so we are catching up -- we may have passed "taxi" now in the amount of shows. >> seth: do you stilget checks fo"taxi"? >> oh,eah. >>eth: thas fantasc. >> oh, yeah. >> seth:hat is fantastic. >> thank you guys. [ laughter ] >> seth: i remember -- i remeer as a kid not quite being aware that you hosted "snl" which of course an nbc show after the show had moved to nbc. >> yeah, that was the year we got canceled. >> seth: right. >> everybody won emmys that year. the show won an emmy. we7all won little statuettes, you know, and we got canceled. so lorne michaels, he puts us -- he's says, "you wanna --" i said, "i'm gonna -- can i come on and do the --?" "bring on n e cast." so we brought everybody on the
we had a great time. we all came out. the first words i said, i think, were, "so they canceled 'taxi.'" i might have said "abc canceled 'taxi.'" [ light laughter ] >> seth: got to get it out there. [ laughter ] and yoyoguys -- you're stillll close as a cast? >> oh, yeah. we see each other all the time. >> seth: that's really wonderful. >> oh, we're great. all the people who are still alive see each other. >> seth: that's nice. >> and we think k out the other people. >> seth: there is a very famous story about how you auditioned for "taxi." i wouldn't say to young actors to do this necessarily -- >> the thing about that is i always felt like you needed to ke an impression. and so when i went to do the show -- to audition, i really wanted the part but i wanted to make an impression, so i walked into their office, i had a script in my hand. i toto one step, i threw it on the coffee table and i said, "one thing i want to know before we start, who wrote this
[ applause ] you gotta -- you know, you gotta -- >> seth: yeah. they remember you. >> you know, they remember you. it was a good louie character. >> seth: louie depalma who i believe "tv guide's" named the best character of all time across all television. just a fantastic character. >> it was a good character. >> seth: did you ever mis-audition making people remember you, did d u ever try one that backfired? >> oh, yeah. oh yeah -- you know, this was my thing from the very beginning. if you notice, if you're an actor, and you want to go in -- i usually look and i'm a lot different than most of the people who've auditioned for the part. you know they walk in and they usually go "huh? he's going to audition for this? yeah, okay."." there was a director that i really liked who was a very surreal director. his name is riard foreman. >> seth: okay. >> he did "elephant steps" and really surreal plays, and he was really good. i really liked him.
public theater and i was going to audititn. this was way before "taxi." nobody -- you know, i was just an actor going in for an audition. and i said to the casting director, "look, before i go in, i know this guy's work. he's really -- just open the door and stand back." >> seth: okay. >> and she was really sweet and she goes, "all right, danny." ] light laughter ] and she opened the door, i laid down on the ground, and i rolled into the audition. [ laughter and applause ] so i roll into the audition. the guy is, like, say, here. i roll in right there and i start my monologue. [ laughter ] and i do the monologue that i learned. and it's done. and i thought i was looking at abraham lincoln. he was going -- stone, nothing. heheid not move. >> seth: that didn't go good? >> i didn't get the part.
[ laughter ] >> i did not get the parar in fact, i nevererever heard from the guy since. >> seth: wow. he never needed a guy who could roll? >> but i think after i do this show, i'm going to hear from him. >> seth: i think that would be nice. i want you guyto reconnect. >> i hope e . i'd like to.o. >> seth: you went and saw "hamilton." i've seen "hamilton" on broadway. >> oh, boy. >> seth: an incredible show. >> absolutely fantastic. >> seth: as good as everybody says it is, itittill blows you away when you see it. >> it knocks you out. it's just amazing, smart, funny. everything about it just -- everything clis. i actualal was fortunate enougug to go before they opened. i went to a preview on broadway. so i didn't have to get scalped like you like you guys are gonna have to do. [ light laughter ] >eth: you say so manyny beautiful things about the show, and everything you said is true. >> i loved it. >> seth: but there -- backstage -- you can go backstage and say hi to the cast afterwards -- >> i didid
and they ask people to sign it. and there was just an article in new york magazine about what some of the celebrities have written. what did you -- you obviously thought this play was beautiful and intelligent -- >> i thought it was really terrific and very moving. it was fun and really great. and i -- >> seth: here's the poster -- >> i was one of the first people to sign it. >eth: so where did yoyosign itit >> on his balls. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, so went right -- you went right down there, that's you. >> yeah. >> seth: and i might not be able to read it, so what does it say? >> what's it say? >> seth: do you forget what you wrote? >> no, of course. oh, something like, "great bitches"? >> seth: no. >> no. >> seth: no. >> what'd i write? >> seth: you did not write anything that nice. >> what did i write? >> seth: you wrote "[ bleep ] bitches." >> oh "[ ble ] bitches." [ laughter ] >> seth: why -- >> i donon have a good handwriting. [ applause ] i got a very bad handwriting. but i wanted -- >> seth: why that you see a beautiful play about -- >> it's term of endearment. [ laughter ] >> seth: who do you use that term of endearment with?
[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: after everything alexander hamilton did for us, you haha to go and write "[ bleep ] ]itches" on his balls. [ laughter ] >> those bitches worked hard for it. [ laughter ] >> seth: it's so wderful having you here. thank you so much. >> thanknkou. >> seth: congratulations on the show. [ cheers and applause ] wonderful. danny devito, everybody. check out "it's always sunny in philadedphia" wednesday nights on fxx. we'll be right back with whitney cummings.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. our next guest is a very funny actress and comedian who starred ln the nbs sitcom "whitney" and co-created the hit show "2 broke girls." her new hour-long standup special, "whitney cummings: i'm your girlfriend," premieres saturday night on hbo.
our friend, whitney cummings. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how are you? >> yououad to bring up my canceled show. >> seth: i'm so sorry. >> how dare -- i just found out it was canceled just now. >> seth: oh, my goodness. well, they canceled "taxi" and it moved to nbc. so may -- >> well, he's still getting residual checks, i hear. >> seth: yeah. >> i'm not. >> seth: you do not get -- you never got any. >> no, i pay them every year. >> seth: oh really? this -- so, you obviously -- you filmed this special a while ago, you edited it. it's finally ready. >> yeah. >> seth: are you excited for people to see it? >> nope. >> seth: you're not? >> no. here's the thing, because when you finally put something out, you put your blood, sweat and tears, then you have to get people's feedback. >> seth: oh, right.. >nd i feel like there's this ing where, for whatever reason -- maybe it's just in comedy -- that you always get like, backhanded compliments. like, has this ever happened to you? when you get on stage, when you do standup and perform, u come ofo stage and someone's like, "hey, god, you are so brave." [ light laughter ] you're like, "what does that even mean," you know? or you'll like, come off stage
and someone's like, "weird crowd." [ light laughter ] like, "i thought it was fine. what do you mean?" it's always like, "you really look like you were having fun up there." >> seth: i once had one where i walked off stage at college show, and i walked off and someone said, "it's been a really tough winter." [ laughter ] like, it's been a hard winter and there is not a lot to laugh about. >> what does that have to do with anything? >> seth: i don't know. i've thought about it -- i've only been thinking about it r >> i had onehat al threw me one time. i came upstairs and this guy goes, "great job, dude." [ light laughter ] i walike, something about my comedy that makes me seem like i'm not a woman anymore? >> setet there you go, greatatob dude. >> great job, dude. >> seth: dude, you killed it. >> what? >> seth: i also want to ask about -- talking about weird interactions. you live in los angeles. >> yeah, i do. >> seth: you're an east coaster. >> yes. >> seth: how is it going? how's the transition? >> it's odd. i don't know, people in l.a. all they wanna do is talk about l.a. like, people in hollywood. >> seth: yeah. >> you know, you go to parties and it's l le one giant like,
like, people are like, "what are you working on?" i just, i don't want to do that. cause then i'm like, "i'm working on this." and they're like, "oh, what else are you working on?" it's like, "okay, that's it." like, nothing is never enough for them? you know? >> seth: right. >> and youounow, i'm like, "oh, i just did a special." they're like, "oh, but what are you up to?" special." i refuse to like, give in, so enever someone tries to ask "what are you up to?" i'm like, "i'm just really working on myself." [ light laughter ] >> really trying to find balance. and they -- it drives them nuts. >> seth: that is not an answer people want. >> because they can't do -- thty can't do business, you kno >> seth: no. >> so i just, i just block them from it. >> seth: t tt's a very, very good block. well done. >> yeah, thank you. >> seth: there is a lot of schmoozing in l.a. >> i can't do it. >> seth: you're not a good schmoozer? >> no i can't do it. i can't smalltalk. i don't do smalltalk. i gotta go strght to the big talk. people a a like, "how are you?" i'm like, "well, the lexapro is really kicking in. [ light laughter ] turns out wellbutrin, not such a good match for me. and i'm pretty sure the bumpas just an ingrown hair, so we're good." [ light laughter ] >> seth: perfect. we -- i know we've had -- i'm jealous of you because we share a best friend. >> okay. >> seth: neal brennan. >> so, we have a best frifnd,
listen to his freaking podcast. >> seth: yes, "the champs." >> please. it gives him something to do. okay, so we love neal. i'm his west coast best friend. >> seth: yah. >> you're his east coast best friend. >> seth: but he lives on the west coast now, so i'm jealous. >> yeah, s she's my best friend. >> seth: yeah. i barely see him anymore. >> no. >> seth: you get him full-time. how's he doing? how are you guys, how's your friendship? >> he's doing well. okay, so neais a friend of ours, who we have both decided that we're going to be in comedy but also like, try to get healthy, like, get better. like, we're going to therapy. >> seth: great. >> we went on like a trip to miraval and did color therapy. >> seth: oh my goodness. >> and like, hanging from yoga doing ropes and all this stuff. but i'm worried that comedians can't be funny and messed up. like, the healthier i get mentally, the less funnier i am. >> seth: oh, you're leaving your funny on t t yoga ropes? >> like, look, i'm b bbing. no one's laughing. >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] >> so it's, my theory -- my theory is obviously true, because the more healthy you get, the more desperate you get to make people laugh. you guys aren't lamghing at me and i don't care. that's a problem. >> seth: that is. [ light lauguger ] >> this is going to ruin m m entire c cedy career. >> seth: you have another friend that i want to talk to you about. which is, you have a new dog.
>> seth: and yur dog is -- did you know yououere getting a dog this size? what happened? >> okay, i see on instagram that this guy has a dog, that was thrown out of a car. >> seth: okay. >> and it s out in carson. i was like, i'll just go get it and i'll find a home. and then i fell in lovovwith him. i thought he was a six-month-old pit bull. i take him to the vet and they say he's a two-month-old great dane. so, i've got -- [ audience aws ] >> seth: that is massive. >> i've got this donkey growing in my house. [ light laughter ] and his balls are enormous. >> seth: oh, we can see his balls. those are like -- [ [ ght laughter ] and i will -- for the photo, i feel like he was like, let me just scoot over here, because i want you to get the full balls. >> they drag on the ground. >> seth: yeah. >> i mean, they come on with like dirt, and i had to -- one time, whenever -- this is -- we did not prepare for this, but whenever he has diarrhea, i have to wrap them in saran wrap. [ light laughter ] >> seth: his balls? >> because his poop hits his balls. >> seth: oh my god. that happens enough that you a way of going about it? [ light laughter ]
>> i was like, should i like, put like a condom on it? likeke wasn't sure what to do, and i finally decide to saran wrap it. >> seth: gotcha. by the way, both of those might be wrong. [ light laughter ] i do want to compare our dogs. how much does your weigh right now? >> mine is about 110 pounds. >> seth: okay, mine is still rocking 7. [ light laughter ] no balls -- no balls on my little girl and she has a bow tie. >> oh h at a sweetie. maybe she shouldld- well mine still has his balls, so -- >> seth: no, no. i have no interest in that. i have no interest in them reproducing. >> what's her name? >> seth: frisbee. >> frisbee! >> seth: yeah. >> how sweet is that? has it brought you and your wife together? >> seth: yeah, very muchcho. >> oh, that's so cool. >> seth: yeah, it's good. i think frisbee's been, like when we have fights, frisbee kind of mediates. >> always, and i find that i tend to fight with boyfriend rough my dogs and i'm like, "well, he really wants to go for a walk, but i guess if you just want to be on your phone the whole time --" like, i always use the dog as a pawn. >> seth: yeah, we've had a lot of arguments where i'm like, "oh, the dog wants to go apple picking?" [ light laughter ] really? how has the dog made this clear to you? >> yeah. i just feel like frisbee really
but i don't know, whatever. >> s sh: what? now, speaking of reproduction, you -- >> great segue way! >> seth: thank you. [ laughter ] no, you're gonna love this segue way. >> that is a pro. >> seth: that is a pro. >> that is a 100% the most pro thing i've ever seen. >> seth: really? [ talking over each other ] >> that is unbelievable. >> seth: cause right now, they don't even -- they're like, well, what are you going to ask? >> y don't even know how good this segue way is. >> seth: let's see how good. speaking of reproductiti, you just froze your eggs. >> yes, i did. [ laughter and applause ] that is a pro! i did. i just froze my eggs, which i love looking at the reaction of people when i say that. >> seth: sure. >> because the guys immediately think i'm mad at them or they did something wrong in general. which, do you know, i feel like guys don't know what -- do you know what egg freezing is? >> seth: i mean, i know why you do it. >> but you don't know the process. >> seth: right, it's like you do it on hot days, you do it to bring your body temperature down. >> cold winters, yeah. [ light laughter ] >> seth: sl this is just -- >> youo it so that like, i don't want to have kids right now, which also means no one wants to have kids with me right now, either. it's consensual.
all the men in the world. so, i've just postponed it, just so that i have time. 'cause i haven't m m -- there's too much pressure.e. as a womananthere's so much pressure on you. i feel like i've been dating the wrong guys. i feel like i'm in traffic and i'm like, you guys, let's move, i'm rotting from the inside. [ light laughter ] like, i'm just constantly -- and then ever since i've frozen my eggs, it's like i'm chilling, i'm cool. >> seth: got it. >> my agent call me, they're like, where's that script? i'm like, "i don't know, i am so high right now." [ light laughter ] call sarah silverman to handle it.. i'm m t available. like, i'm chillin. it's great. but i do find that guys have no idea what it is. >> seth: yes. >> i was doing a gig. i d to cancel it because i was on bed rest from egg freezing, and i came in the next day and the club owner came up to me and he's like, "are you okay? i heard you had your ovaries removed." >> seth: oh no. [ light laughter ] >> i was like, no, we gotta talk about this. so i end up talking al lot about it on my special. >> seth: got it. >> and try to take the shame off of it. >> seth: and are guys excited whwh they hear it? >> no, no, guys think it's weird. i thought, that it'd be really cool, like an aphrodisiac. that guys would think that i'm like the cool girl that doesn't want to get pregmant right now. but they're not into it. you can't be hooking up with a guy and he's l le, "hey, do you have a condom?" i'm like, "don't worry, boo.
airport." [ light laughter ] it's not a sexy bedroom -- >> seth: you are -- you date a fair amount, yes? >> i do. >> seth: how is that going? >> it's going okay. i've notice though, that there is this thing happing. whererguys -- do you remember like " "e game," there was that book called "the game"? >> seth: yeah. >> and there's the "pick up artist." >> seth: "the pick up artist." >> yes, exactly. so, guys are mean now. i feel like there's this residual effect. like, every time i go out, guys are wewedly -- 'cause guys t tnk they have to be mean to you, to make you like them. >> seth: yes. >> i was at this bar and this guy's like, "you're wearing jeans, you're wearing jeans to a bar?" i was like, what is this, a "yo mama" contest? it's so mean. and what i, you guys, here's the problem with beingngean to girls to make you like them, is that you guys will never be as mean to us as we already are to ourselves. like, there is nothing you can say about me that i haven't already thought of. >> seth: right? [ light laughter ] >> like, this guy came up to me, he's like, "you're so pale." i was like, i'll do you one better. "i also look older than i am, i have cellulite on my butt and i'm gonna die alone, yo mama." [ laughter and applause ]
>> i'm going to win this. >> seth: you are the winner. >> yeah. i am to him. our friend neal. >> yes. >> seth: thank you so much for being back on the show. >> i love you, seth. time. special. whitney cummings, everybody. check out, "whitney cummings: i'm your girlfriend" this saturday night on hbo. we'll be back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] we brought you here today to get your honest opinionabout this new car. to keep p ings unbiased, removed all the logog. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at t tnty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology. that's a game changer.
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which is why they live hard [crying baby] -ish. with henry's hard soda, an adult beverage that helps them go buckild. henry's hard soda. live hard- ish. here in the city, parking is hard to find. seems like everyone drives. and those who do should switch to geico because you could save hundreds on car insurance. ah, perfect. valet parking. hello! here's t t keys. and, uh, go easy on my ride, mate.
to see how much you could save on car insurance, go to geico.com. ah! (car alarm sounds) it's ok! the american people can't afford to wait for ideas that sound good on paper... but will never make it in the real world. the grandmother who has to choose between paying for medicine and paying rent... can't wait. the single mom who desperately needs a raise... can't wait. the student with a mountain of debt can't wait. we can make real progress, right now. i'm caucusing... i'm caucususg... i'i'caucusing for hihiary clinton.
[ cheers and applalae ] >> seth: welcome back to "late night," everybody. so
as i mentioned earlier tonight, my wife and i have a baby on the way. and d i take stock of my life, i realize that i am now officially a fully matured adult. i'm married, i have a dog, i have a car, a mortgage, we're expecting. but you know all of this doesn't mean that i don't know how to be cool. [ light laughter ] just because i weaeaa suit every day and sit behindnd desk don't mean that i can't be ice cold, baby. for me, being cool is less about being up on the latest hip trends. no way, jose. being cool is about taking the sunroof down on my buick enclave, blasting steely dan's greatest hits on my cd player as
grill that will serve a cheeseburger in paradise. i got six different credit cards and one of them is a visa signgnure marriot rewards premier
card so yeah, ladies, i'm taken. [ light laughter ] speaking of taken,n,hen i take my wife out to dinner for a nice steak down at ruth's chris, i put on my tight black t-shirt, my pinstriped suit, distressed jeans, no socks and tassel loafers. oh, and another thing, when i open the restaurant door for my wife, i touch the small of her back as she walks past me. you're welco, bae. [ laughter ] i love nothing more than hanging with my remax agent brian on my weather proof back deck as we throw back a few tecates. [ lauguger ] i've spent hundreds of hours of my life talking to best buy employees about how i can optimize the speaker system in my man cave.
i fly economy plus. oh, yeah, i like to party, you know what i mean? go out to my garage, smoke a quarter of a joint, fall asleep watching "hardrdll." golf channel. [ light laughter ] i want to get tan, like super tan, to the point where people look at me and say, "that guy looks gross and his hair looks fake." that is my goal. that is my dream. i love vegas, but not as much as i love orlando. [ light laughter ] when it comes to furniture, all i got to say i ileather. white leather. top three all-time babes, here you go -- one, rene russo,@deuce, goldie hawn, three, condi rice. [ laughter ] hey, while we got this over the shoulder graphic going how about we show a video of a "sandals"
oh, nice. now show the part with the swim-up bar. ooh, that looks like a great time. i'm going to book that vacay right now on my travelocity app. booked. oh, i almost forgot. my biggest turn on, the missionary position. or as i call it, the mish posish. [ laughter ] picture it. all right, i think i proved i'm a cool guy. we'll be right back with music from the front bottoms. [ cheers and applause ] this is a cell tower from one of those major carriers. straight talk wireless uses the same cell towers they do. but we don't build or maintain them. so we can offer you the same great, nationwide coverage for half the cost! ououhere... ...and here...
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from postal workers to nurses... he's been endorsed for real change: bernie sanders. endorsed by friends of the earth action as "a bold, , arless voice for the planet." the nation endorses bernie saying, "you can trust sanders because he doesn't owe his political career to the finanal overlords." the des moines register calls m, "a man of courage and principle." endorsed by council bluffs daily nonpareil because "he would build on obama's legacy and challenge the establishment." i'm bernie sanders and i approve this message. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: tonight's musical guest are a rock and roll band from
[ cheers ] performing their song "west virginia", which was hand-picked by their fans for this performance, please welcome to the show the front bottoms. [ cheers and applause ] is it raining whereryou are the only thing i could think to ask but nothing ever hurt so bad as the no that you said back but ain't that the truth man those are just facts the farther you go
the harder it is to get back love of my life gone forever love of my life gone for good >> this is for all my friends in west virginia. the good stuff comes the good stuff goes the good stuff seems so hard to hold hope it slides slowly down your throat so the taste of it may linger right now i'm just a volcano on the brink of eruption right now i'm just
a psycho hell bent on self-destruction hell bent on self-destruction hell bent on self-destruction
self-destruction love of my life gone forever love of my life gone for good i wish i may i wish i iight one day live life like a
person in paradise right now i'm just a volcano on the brink of eruption right now i'm just a psycho he bent on lfestruction hell bent on self-destruction hell bent on self-destruction hell bent on self-destruction ride or die brothers for life darkest ys coldest nights ride or die brothers fororife
coldest nights there aint no doctor on earth there ain't no lord up above who knows a strong enough medicine or a lifesaving love like i said i thought i was focused i thought i had it figured out how to organize my words good before they fall right out my mouth but i have learned that the direction i was walking was so wrong and i just need a little help here man to find the path i should be on love of my life gone f fever love of my life
there are those who say weweannot defeat a corrupt political system and fix a rigged economy. but i believe we need to lift our vision above the obstacles in place and look to the american horizon. to a natioiowhere every child can not only dream of going to college, but attend one. where quality healthcare will be a birthright of every citizen. where a good job is not a wish, but a reality. where women receive equal pay and a living wage is paid to all. an america where after a lifetime of lar, there is time for rest and g gndchildren. a nation that defends our people and our values, but no longer carries so much of that burden alone. i know we can create at america if we listen to our hearts. and that journey begins here in iowa. i'm bern sanders. i apapove this message, and i ask you to join with us at the caucuses on monday night.
one of the are that i've been particularly interested in is the area of children.n. we intend to be sure that everybody in this room and every child in this state noatter to whom th are born. i want to o ke sure that everyryhild has a chance to live up to his or her god-given poteial. i've spent my life fighting for children, and i'm not stopping now.. i'm hillary clinton, and i have always approved this message. now you can create your own tour of italy at olive garden, starting at $12.99. choose 3 of 10 favorites to enjoy on one plate. plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. the best tour of itaty is the one you create. at olive garden. covering is caring. because covering heals faster. to seal out water, dirt and germs, cover with a water block clear bandage
[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to danny devito, whitney cummings, the front bottoms, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] josh freese and of course the 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheeee and applause ] >> carson: hey, what's up everybody. i'm carson daly. this is "lascall" coming to you from 97.1 amp radio. i do a little morning show here. tonight, goldroom will perform from the fyf festival. we got phoebe robinson, she's appearing in our comic spotlight. but
first, terry gilliam is a writer, director, animator and comedian best known, of course,