Skip to main content

tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  April 8, 2016 11:50pm-12:53am EDT

11:50 pm
>> jon: welcome stephen colbert! captioning sponsored by cbs ( band playing intro music ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you so much! thanks, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) how are you! hi there! hey, how are you? please! thanks so much, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) that's awfully nice. welcome to "the late show." ( cheers and applause ) that's my mark, i'll stand here. welcome to "the late show," everybody, i'm stephen colbert.
11:51 pm
how's everybody doing tonight? ( cheers and applause ) don't lie to me. ( laughter ) we're all feeling a little off today. and we know why! we know why. >> jon: oh, we know. >> stephen: it's daylight saving time. yeah, it's my least favorite holiday. for one thing, the parade is horrible. at least i assume it is-- i always miss it because i'm an hour late for everything now. ( laughter ) and it's so unfair. it's the least fair thing in the entire year. americans work hard. we are working longer hours than ever, and the only break most of us get is a little extra sleep on the weekends. which i use to stress-dream about work! ( laughter ) then one day a year, the government comes in under cover of darkness and steals a precious hour of sleep from us. the next day, i wake up thinking i'm going to have a nice, relaxing sunday, then i check my phone, i see the real time, and i turn into a crazy person yelling at his phone. "you betrayed me! now i won't feel guilty when i drop you in a toilet."
11:52 pm
( laughter ) so i'm over it. especially the phrase "spring forward." nuh-uh. don't try to make it sound fun. i'm not leaping into the future-- i'm barely hoisting myself out of bed. and it's dangerous-- this is absolutely true-- studies have shown that there's an increase in auto accidents the monday after daylight savings. even our cars are tired. ( laughter ) my question is-- and i think this is a reasonable question-- why does it have to happen on a weekend? why can't they do it on a wednesday at 4:00? "hey look, now it's wednesday at 5:00, time to go home." ( cheers and applause ) mwah! mwah! republican candidates, if you want to stop trump, make that your platform. ( laughter ) i mean, it's just totally arbitrary anyway. time's just a construct! it used to be 2:00 a.m., now it's 3:00 a.m. we all agree to live by these rules, but where do they even come from?
11:53 pm
everyone says you have to wear clothes, you can't just go to work in your underwear, except if you're a life guard. ( laughter ) and we're allowed to eat some animals, but not the kind of animals you keep as pets; and you're never allowed to eat humans, but you also can't keep them as pets! what are you supposed to do with them? ( laughter ) also, at this point, i feel like i should tell you that i'm on a lot of cold medication. i caught-- i might be hallucinating-- i caught something bad over the weekend. and you know what would have helped? an extra hour of sleep on sunday. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) that would have been great! ( cheers and applause ) but you know what'll make me feel better? >> jon: what's that? >> stephen: an extra hour of great show tonight. >> jon: uh-huh, yeah! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: first... magic! ( laughter ) first, i'll be sitting down with the host of hbo's "last week
11:54 pm
tonight," our old friend john oliver, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's nice. then, i'll be talking with the number one ranked golfer in the world, the defending masters champion, jordan spieth. ( cheers and applause ) and we'll have music by new order. ( cheers and applause ) and oh, speaking of music-- ( band playing ) that's our friend jon batiste and stay human. say hi, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) they are about to get us started right, but before they do, one more thing: millions of digiorno pizzas have been recalled after customers found pieces of glass in their food. it's not delivery, it's a lawsuit. ( laughter ) ( band playing ) >> announcer: tonight... stephen welcomes john oliver!
11:55 pm
world number one golfer jordan spieth! and a musical performance by new order! featuring jon batiste and stay human! and now it's time for "the late show" with stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks, everybody! all right. nice. whoo! thank you! thank you so much! ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: i'll take it!
11:56 pm
i'll take it! ( audience chanting stephen ) thank you very much. i'll take that. i don't always-- i don't always need the chanting anymore, but i need a little energy tonight because as i mentioned, i mentioned a little bit earlier when i mmn-nnm-thr ( mumbles )-- and as you can tell from my deep, deep, sexy voice that-- and my corpse-like pallor-- i got real sick this weekend. i'm not sure why i got sick all of a sudden. i try to take care of myself. i don't think it's allergies, because i never go outside. i wonder what happened... ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) i'm not going to say who's to blame, but i will say jeff daniels tasted like chicken soup and dayquil. ( applause ) purell a little bit, even just thinking about that. ( laughter ) now, i have spent the last 48 hours in and out of consciousness. i caught some parts of some great shows this weekend.
11:57 pm
i watched a bit of "mr. robot," i have foggy recollections of watching little parts of "kimmy schmidt." my weekend was basically "netflix and chills." ( laughter ) but, of course, we all know from when we were kids, the one good thing about being sick is curling up on the couch, maybe with some toast and ginger ale and watching "the price is right," right? ( cheers and applause ) we all remember. ( cheers and applause ) and then asking your mom what "spay and neuter" means. ( laughter ) "never you mind, it's just something not very nice that maybe your cousin doris should think about." ( laughter ) and i think one of the reasons that we like that show so much is that, when you're sick, the theme song just makes you feel so peppy, you know? it makes you feel better. you guys remember the theme song? ♪ ba-bap-ba-daa come on! ♪ ba-bap-ba-daa ( humming song )
11:58 pm
you've all engaged in copyright infringement now. ( laughter ) i have a theory. i bet "the price is right" theme song can make anything better. you can take any footage, no matter how sad or how disturbing, and the "price is right" theme song will improve it. here, i'll show you. jim, let's show them. >> brother, help me! >> long live the king! ( "price is right" theme playing as he falls ) >> stephen: see! ( cheers and applause ) that wasn't tragic at all. i'm sure mufasa crowd-surfed those buffalo. perfectly fine. hey meredith, did you--
11:59 pm
this is meredith, one of our producers, say hey, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) when you were-- when you were a little girl, did you watch "the price is right?" were you allowed to watch that when you were home sick? >> yeah, i stayed home sick a lot, because i was the youngest. and no one cares-- >> stephen: oh, me too! >> no one cares what you do when you're the youngest! >> stephen: exactly! and when you go, you know-- the baby is gone, so they want you to stay home, when you're the youngest. >> yeah, and i used to watch "the price is right" all the time, it was my favorite show ever, and i watched it so much. and i had a theory-- i didn't even know until i was way older-- that the "barkers' beauties," the models, i thought they were all mutes. ( laughter ) i thought they couldn't talk, because they never said anything, so i thought they were-- they had a problem. >> stephen: do you think-- did you think they were hired because they were mute, or do you think that bob barker had their vocal chords cut? ( laughter ) is that what "spay and neuter" meant to you? ( laughter ) >> i actually thought it was just like a wonderful outreach program-- >> stephen: oh, that's nice! >> find beautiful, beautiful women, who couldn't speak--
12:00 am
>> stephen: who just sadly could not talk at all! >> --but who could really show off a refrigerator. >> stephen: did you ever think of that as a career choice? >> no, because my voice-- i thought it'd just completely, you know, negate my-- >> stephen: oh, of course. >> i wanted to be a contestant, but, never happened. >> stephen: sorry about that. do you know what might make you feel better? some "price is right" theme song. >> ooh! >> stephen: because, again, as i said before, i believe it works for anything. jimmy, hit us again with a little taste. >> ahhh! aaahh! ( cracking ) ( screaming ) ( "price is right" theme playing as alien emerges ) ( laughing and coughing ) >> stephen: it's like, he didn't die from a creature bursting out of his chest, it's like he won a free alien!
12:01 am
and the alien was made by kenmore. ( laughter ) anyway, speaking of things that make you sick, donald trump. ( cheers and applause ) up 'til now, he's been the funny guy with the weird hair, and we've all had our fun poking at the big orange garfield who hates mexicans instead of mondays. ( laughter ) but recently, trump's rallies have gotten ugly. first, in north carolina, a trump supporter sucker-punched a non-violent protestor. on friday, there were so many angry protesters at trump's rally in chicago that he canceled it. which is strange, because usually a mob of angry people is a trump rally. and on saturday, during trump's rally in dayton, ohio, a protestor tried to rush the stage. he was either trying to disrupt the rally, or just saw trump's head from a distance and thought
12:02 am
they were giving out free hams. ( laughter ) the protester-- the protester has been charged with disorderly conduct and inducing panic, which means he could be the next republican frontrunner. ( applause ) but donald trump-- donald trump has his own theory as to who this guy might be, tweeting, "he has ties to isis. should be in jail!" and then linked to this video, proving the man's ties to terror. look at it, it checks all the terror boxes: isis flag, arabic writing, man dragging u.s. flag, and scary middle eastern music. that is damning evidence. and with a beard like that, he's either in isis, or mumford and sons. a fake. someone on youtube doctored the footage of the protester from 2015. but donald trump had a good explanation. >> there's no ties to isis for
12:03 am
this man, no law enforcement official, and this video that you linked to appears to be a hoax. >> what do i know about it? all i know is what's on the internet. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i want to let this sink in for a second. the likely republican nominee for president of the united states said "all he knows is what's on the internet." trump is america's gullible uncle, just forwarding anything he sees online. obviously, his first state dinner will be honoring that imprisoned nigerian prince! ( laughter ) and it won't cost us anything, because the prince promises to send us a check! well, i want to alert donald trump that there is other scary stuff on the internet, too. like this thing i just found because i made it. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
12:04 am
clearly, that checks all the terrorist boxes too: middle- eastern music, wearing a turban, a lot of facial hair. donald trump, feel free to retweet this. oh my god, that cat is going to give me nightmares. jimmy, tell you what-- jimmy, make it better! ( "price is right" theme playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ah, that is so much better. we'll be right back with john oliver! ( cheers and applause ) ♪
12:05 am
with intuitive all-wheel drive. take on the unexpected. with 100 million food andme is cash prizes.s 100 million prizes? that's more prizes than all the scottish terriers in the us! hey, i just won $50 bucks! 100 million prizes! 1 in 4 wins! you could be the one! unlimited data from at&t means you can stream it all. like that anthony michael hall movie where he fights with the girl. the one where he gets rejected by the girl. even stream the one where he creates the girl. with unlimited data, you can stream all the anthony michael hall movies you want. i wonder what he's up to these days maybe he's shopping in an at&t store? get unlimited data and your fourth line free when you have at&t wireless and directv. plus, get up to $650 in credits to help you switch.
12:06 am
an oven-baked digiorno? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno.
12:07 am
in the last eight years, the fracking industry has spent over $40 million dollars on lobbying in pennsylvania. so it's no surprise that even though they've had over 4,000 violations, all they've ever gotten is just a slap on the wrist it's time for that change. i'm josh shapiro, and i'll hold the oil and gas companies
12:08 am
criminally liable for poisoning our air and our drinking water. i'll be an attorney general who always works for you. democrat josh shapiro. he'll stand up for us. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. my first guest is the emmy and peabody award-winning host of "last week tonight" on hbo. please welcome john oliver. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: let me just slather that across there. there you go. >> that definitely works, right?
12:09 am
>> stephen: mm-hmm. >> good evening. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome. >> you sound great. >> stephen: i feel great. >> you sound great. >> stephen: i feel good, too. >> up close, you look even better. >> stephen: well, thank you very much. ( laughter ) well, this is nice. all that purell, that's a cheap high. that's really nice. >> if you're completely honest, how close are we to a "weekend at bernie's" situation? ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, i'm willing to ask you one question and let you talk for 12 minutes. ( laughter ) i doo-- one thing i do want to talk to you about is that the last time you were here in the fall, you said that you don't give a damn about donald trump. >> i didn't. >> stephen: you did not give a damn about donald trump. >> i did not. we were not in the election year at that point. >> stephen: but we were already still-- we were still-- we-- >> we were in the process-- let me handle-- let me handle this for you. ( laughter ) "were we in the process, john?" yes, we were. yes we were in the process. >> stephen: we were in the primary process. >> still not at that point, no. >> stephen: well, the primary "pro-cess," or "pros-ess" as we say on this side of the pond-- ( laughter ) >> we invented the words, we'll tell you how they're supposed to
12:10 am
sound. ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, but they were still, still campaigning, for the primaries. >> they were campaigning, yes. >> stephen: that's a reasonable time to talk about it. >> yes. i didn't care, and i didn't think i would have to care. and then, it turned out, i did. >> stephen: well, no one thought they would have to care! >> that's right, none of us thought we were going to be here, but we are. yeah. >> stephen: now you care a lot. >> well, now, no, we did-- >> stephen: you did a wonderful 20-minute piece two weeks ago-- ( voice cracking ) two weeks ago. ( cheers and applause ) >> two weeks ago, yeah. yeah, that's right. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: this hat: "make donald drumpf again." ( cheers and applause ) tell the people about the hat. >> so, here's what we did on our piece, if you didn't see it. we were trying to separate the kind of, mascot of donald trump from the man, so we wanted to-- the trump name is very powerful, what he embodies is powerful. >> stephen: very large on buildings. >> it could barely be larger while being safe. and so we wanted to separate that, to find a division so you
12:11 am
could look at him with fresh eyes, and his ancestors were called drumpf. i'll just keep talking; take a nap. >> stephen: over in germany, they were called the drumpf's? >> take a nap. >> stephen: they were drumpf's? >> oh, oh, in germany, yeah-- >> if i take a nap they don't pay me. i'm just going to keep my eyes open. is that enough? >> a long time ago, they were drumpf's. and so, yeah, we came up with "make donald drumpf again." >> stephen: why would you change your name from drumpf? it's such a beautiful name. >> the german language is so sonorous, isn't it? beautiful language, a language of poetry, angry, angry poetry. so we made hats and we sold 35,000 of these. ( applause ) >> stephen: now, where does that money go, john oliver? >> well, we sold it at cost, which you might imagine hbo found hilarious. ( laughter ) what's funnier than not making any money on an unexpected, inexplicable hit? but guess what? >> stephen: what? >> apparently, jay-z's people called hbo asking for a hat. >> stephen: wow! did they-- did they-- >> i'll tell you this for starts, buy the hat, jay-z.
12:12 am
( laughter ) >> stephen: oh, he wanted one for free? >> jay-z wanted one for free. and he's done very well, buy a hat-- spring for a hat, let it trickle down. ( laughter ) that's how economics works, right? >> stephen: ebay, i'll bet you can get these on ebay. >> yeah, but, hbo said, okay, send him one. and they were already running out, and i did say, be careful, because if he puts that on his head in public, you're going to need more hats. and if his wife puts it on in public, we are no longer a tv show, we're a hat manufacturing company. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's true. you had to bring that. we couldn't get one. you brought that with you. >> this is the first-- i haven't seen one. this is the first time i've seen one. now, you and i putting this on our heads-- >> stephen: does nothing. >> nothing. >> stephen: put it on. ( laughter ) >> i will put it on and watch the sales go down. look. it's over. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that really lowers your intelligence. very nice.
12:13 am
>> you're telling me kids don't want this now? ( laughter ) >> stephen: could trump happen in england? >> could he happen-- >> stephen: like, this kind of candidacy in england-- or is your parliamentary system sort of break that-- >> it's not that it could happen, it has happened. we had many kings in the past-- ( laughter ) look through british history and you see lots of drumpfs wearing gold on their-- there is an equivalent love of gold between 18th century kings and current presidential candidates. >> stephen: but donald trump himself is getting 35% of primary voters of the republican party. say 40% of americans identify as republican, less than half of those people vote in the primaries, so he's getting 35%, so it's, like, 12% of the electorate is voting for him. >> unfortunately, that's an incredibly meaningful 12%, though. >> stephen: but in the american system, that 12%, if he captures the nomination, then gets 50% of the campaign psy-ops, come november, to get you to vote for him. >> yeah. >> stephen: so it's not an
12:14 am
impossible idea that he's the next president of the united states. >> i feel like we were in a poli-sci class just now. >> stephen: but that wouldn't happen in a parliamentary system, because he would get 12% of parliament, that would be it. >> that is why our crazy leaders, so to speak, were kings, because your only qualifications were you had to come out of a queen's vagina. ( laughter ) the crazy thing is, i don't know if you have to bleep that, but you probably should. >> stephen: we will find out. we'll take a little commercial break now. >> sure, do it. >> stephen: and then if we're still on tv when we come back, everything's fine. ( laughter ) we'll be right back with more john oliver, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) i drive a golf ball. i drive to the hoop. i drive a racecar. i have a driver. his name is carl. but that's not what we all have in common. we talked to our doctors about treatment with xarelto®. xarelto® is proven to treat and help reduce
12:15 am
the risk of dvt and pe blood clots. xarelto® is also proven to reduce the risk of stroke in people with afib, not caused by a heart valve problem. for people with afib currently well managed on warfarin, there is limited information on how xarelto® and warfarin compare in reducing the risk of stroke. you know, taking warfarin, i had to deal with that blood testing routine. i couldn't have a healthy salad whenever i wanted. i found another way. yeah, treatment with xarelto®. hey, safety first. like all blood thinners, don't stop taking xarelto® without talking to your doctor, as this may increase your risk of a blood clot or stroke. while taking, you may bruise more easily and it may take longer for bleeding to stop. xarelto® may increase your risk of bleeding if you take certain medicines. xarelto® can cause serious and in rare cases, fatal bleeding. get help right away for unexpected bleeding, unusual bruising, or tingling. if you have had spinal anesthesia while on xarelto®, watch for back pain or any nerve or muscle related signs or symptoms. do not take xarelto® if you have an artificial heart valve or abnormal bleeding. tell your doctor before all planned medical or dental procedures. before starting xarelto®, tell your doctor about any kidney, liver, or bleeding problems.
12:16 am
xarelto® is the number one prescribed blood thinner in its class. well that calls for a round of kevin nealons. make mine an arnold palmer. same here. with xarelto® there is no regular blood monitoring and no known dietary restrictions. treatment with xarelto® was the right move for us. ask your doctor about xarelto®. mmm. baclet's instabrag.d. honey, jalapeño boom boom, h-how is there no bacon emoji? denny's new honey jalapeño bacon, part of the red white and bacon menu. denny's. welcome to america's diner.
12:17 am
katie mcginty for u.s. senate, calling her "a champion for working families." the 9th of 10 kids, her dad's union pension and social security made all the difference. in pennsylvania, mcginty helped implement
12:18 am
obamacare and expand coverage. trump and toomey have attacked obamacare and social security. to fight back, president obama wants mcginty in the senate to protect women, families and seniors. vote in the democratic primary, april 26th. mcginty: i'm katie mcginty and i approve this message. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, hey, everybody. we're back.
12:19 am
we're doing hot shots of purell here, at "the late show" with stephen colbert. my friend john oliver is still here. john, i want to ask you something about the piece you did last night, on "last week tonight," about the iphones and encryption. >> about encryption. >> stephen: where do you fall down on it? because we had loretta lynch on the show last week, and she made the-- >> which side was she on, i wonder? >> stephen: she-- >> which side is the attorney general on? >> stephen: the attorney general of the united states believed that the justice department should get what they want, which was for apple to write new code to open up a phone and then give them the keys. >> yes. it's a little more complicated than that. yeah, so encryption is incredibly complicated. i only know that we spent a couple of weeks looking at it, and i fully understood it for about 12 hours yesterday. unfortunately-- >> stephen: because you jammed it down until you vomited it up on camera. >> it's now today, yeah. ( laughter ) but yeah, there's two things at work, really, because this particular f.b.i. case with sayeed farouk's phone is tangentially connected to encryption; there's a broader case which is, the f.b.i. want
12:20 am
apple and all other tech companies to keep encryption just low enough that they can hurdle over it. the problem is they won't be the only one hurdling. and if you do not-- if you side with apple in this, you have to allow for the fact that this phone will remain locked and will-- as will others-- and there are terrible things that come with encryption, but there are also incredibly important things-- >> stephen: like what? >> --that come with encryption. like, basically, we owe the internet to encryption. we have been through this before. >> stephen: but everybody-- i kind of assume that the government sees everything i do, at this point. don't you? i feel like, "ah, they know." ( laughter ) how many people-- show of hands-- no, give me a clap. how many people think, "they know?" ( applause ) you see? my audience-- >> that's not how democracy works-- it's not even democracy! it's how dictatorships work! isn't that right? say it! clap now! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: no! that's not it!
12:21 am
that's not it at all. i'm not forcing them to. i'm not forcing them to, it' just, my audience has given up all hope. ( laughter ) >> i think the government just has to acknowledge the hard truth on their side which is that it is a risk. if apple does this, technically, it is a big risk, because it could jeopardize a lot of information. >> stephen: so it's risk against risk, though. it's risk against-- >> yes. >> stephen: it's a risk not to know, and a risk to know. >> yes, that's what i'm trying-- >> stephen: well, i guess that's the question that oedipus had to answer-- is it better to know or not to know? ( laughter ) which is it? >> sure, and i guess it just depends on if you wanted to ( bleep ) your mother or not. ( laughter ) >> stephen: but he didn't want to. he didn't want to. if somebody had somehow cracked the encryption on the oracle, then he would have known not to kill that man on the chariot, that was his dad. and then he would have married his mother and wouldn't have had to pluck out his eyes. don't you understand? you're writing a tragedy. >> what i'm saying is, there are payoffs to both sides. like i say, there is not an easy side to be on. each side has to accept, you
12:22 am
have to own the tough consequences to being on that side. nothing about this is easy. and, isn't that level of nuance satisfying? ( laughter ) >> stephen: so you came down on the side of encryption? >> i'm on the side-- personally, i'm on the side of-- >> stephen: what are you hiding? what are you hiding? that's the question you have to answer. what are you hiding, john oliver? >> now you sound like the stasi. >> stephen: i'm not the stasi. >> no, i'm not hiding anything. >> stephen: well, we'll never know now. we'll never know whether you're hiding anything because you won't let me look at your phone. >> you can look at it. >> stephen: really? >> oh, no, i don't have it. this is a microphone pack. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm sure that will hold up in court. >> here, here you go. the code is 4873. >> stephen: okay, 4873. is that really the code to your phone, 4873? >> not anymore, it isn't! ( applause ) >> stephen: you can't say that! >> security is difficult because you make mistakes like reading out your phone's passcode-- >> stephen: on air. >> --on tv.
12:23 am
that's the point. it's hard to keep things secure, in a sense, i've won the argument through incompetence. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's true. what's next? what-- the amazing thing about your show is you take these deep dives into very difficult-- ( voice cracking ) --very difficult subjects, people don't generally want to pay attention. ( laughs ) put that back in your pocket! ( laughter ) >> yes. >> stephen: you look like you're on qvc selling mic packs right now. ( laughter ) >> "it's just crystal clear sound." ( laughter ) >> stephen: what's the next thing you're going to get me to care about, that i-- >> i feel like on "joy" but mop- less. yes, what's the next thing-- ? >> stephen: what's the next thing you're going to get me to care about, that i didn't know i cared about? >> i don't know! like, every week-- >> stephen: you don't know now? >> every week we have-- >> stephen: it's monday. you don't know what you're doing sunday? >> don't sound like the inside of my panicked conscience! ( laughter ) we have a couple of ideas, but it is a rollercoaster ride to terror every week. >> stephen: mm-hmm. i call it the flaming toboggan run. ( laughter ) >> i prefer yours. >> stephen: well, whatever it's going to be-- you won't even give me a hint? well, give me some ideas.
12:24 am
give me some ideas of what it is. >> i don't know. i don't know what we're going to do. it is monday-- >> stephen: do you not know till you sit down on sunday night, and they take the blindfold off and point you-- ? >> that's right! "welcome to the show! encryption, how am i going to make this funny? come on, guys!" ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, i look forward to it. thank you for being here. >> it's been an honor to be on this flaming toboggan with you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i hope you don't get sick. >> well, it's almost inevitable now, isn't it? thanks very much. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, "last week tonight" airs every sunday at 11:00 p.m. on hbo. the man is john oliver. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
12:25 am
the newest addition to olive garden's lunch duos menu paired with your choice of unlimited soup or salad starting at just $6.99 think of it as a quesadilla that speaks fluent italian olive garden let's go. what? you didn't even move your hands! another game! i've got a table ready at 6:00 o'clock. alexa, how's the traffic?
12:26 am
female voice: the fastest route is 45 minutes to downtown. jason, get in the sidecar. (engine rumbling) [liquid dribbling] do you sell high-end champagne? in the back. [beep, beep] [cork pop] have a good night. the new water-resistant galaxy s7 edge.
12:27 am
eighty six million americans have prediabetes a serious condition that increases the risk for type 2 diabetes. you could be one of them. small lifestyle changes can help you avoid diabetes-related problems like heart attack, stroke, blindness, and kidney failure. ask your doctor about a simple blood test for prediabetes. sponsored by nacdd with support from the centers for disease control and prevention. visit
12:28 am
( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is only 22 years old, but he's currently the number one golfer in the world. please welcome jordan spieth! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! please have a seat. wow! >> all right! >> stephen: so that's the real deal-- that's the masters jacket. can i touch it? i promise-- >> most certainly. >> stephen: that's nice. that's amazing. >> except you're sick, so... ( laughter ) >> stephen: do they make that custom for you? is it ready for you when you win? because you won last year.
12:29 am
congratulations. >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) so what they do is they normally have a members jacket that's of similar size to the champion, that they give you at the time, and then you can either take that one in and they just replace the member's, and you can get it tailored, or-- >> stephen: so, they have like a rack of all different sizes? >> pretty much. and i didn't want anybody ever touching mine so mine's just the exact same one that i got-- that was put on at the green. >> stephen: have you had it even dry cleaned, or anything like that? >> nuh-uh, no way, no. does it smell? ( laughter ) >> stephen: not even any stains, or anything like that. >> well, you know, your team did a great job back there. >> stephen: oh, good, good. now, 2015, year of spieth, you won masters, u.s. open, the fedex cup, p.g.a. player of the year, you're the number one ranked player in the world and you made $22 million. and you're 22 years old. ( cheers and applause ) congratulations. ( applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: you realize, this
12:30 am
coming year, if you don't make $23 million, you're kind of-- you're falling behind. >> yeah, is that right? i hope the purses go up, then. but, it was a fantastic year. >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you. yeah, it was a "dream come true" year. the masters was our breakthrough. in 2014, i was close and fell just short to bubba watson who won second, and this year, kind of got revenge there, and was able to hold it the whole way through, and then just kind of kept the momentum the rest of the year. it was fantastic, and-- >> stephen: anything cool come with the jacket, other than the jacket? like, do you have any duties this year? >> shoot, yeah, i get to come on your show. i mean, what an honor. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's good for us! i mean, do you have any special ceremonial role at the masters of being the defending champion? do you get to do anything cool? >> well, you go and you-- there's a champions dinner tuesday nights where past champions gather around. and so this year i get to pick the menu. you pick the menu, the wine, whatever it is. >> stephen: so, last year's winner gets to pick what you eat this year? >> exactly.
12:31 am
and so we're going to do, probably some barbecue. i'm from texas. >> stephen: from texas, that makes sense. now the masters starts april 7, right? >> yes. >> stephen: and then starts broadcasting on cbs on april 9. ( laughter ) what's it like down at augusta national? because, when you look on tv, it just looks so green, so perfect, it looks like it was drawn by disney. >> yes. >> stephen: do bambi and thumper come out of the woods? what's it like down there? >> it used to be a tree nursery, and it's just a beautiful piece of land. and i mean, it's almost like you're walking on, you know, like a video game when you're actually playing the tournament. it doesn't feel like real grass, you don't believe it is, you never see it anywhere else. it's my favorite place in the world to be, to play golf and obviously with some great memories there now, it's even more special. >> stephen: now, you're going back as the defending champion. is there an advantage? are you more likely to repeat at augusta because it's in the same place every year and you know
12:32 am
the course? do you feel you've got an advantage? >> yeah, i think there, i would have an advantage over other places. i think it's so unique. each time you play it, you learn something new. you see a new pin position. the whole play is different lay than the year before. and the experience down the stretch, everyone, at least that i've talked to, it's their favorite tournament that they ever dream of winning, and, so, the pressure is there. if you've already been there, you can kind of look back, you know, i will be talking to my caddy saying, "like, you know what? we have been here before, maybe these guys haven't been." >> stephen: you will be talking to your balls, too. >> i'll be talking to my golf balls as well. >> stephen: we have a clip here. you like, you are well known-- a lot of people like to tell their balls, "get up on the green." you have a real conversation with your balls. take a look at this. >> wonderful.
12:33 am
( applause ) >> well played. well played. >> stephen: yes. now, i assume your balls are watching tonight. is there anything you'd like to say to your balls before the tournament? >> stay hot and stay dry. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: stay hot and stay dry? >> stay dry. >> stephen: now, you also support something called-- let me get this right-- drive, chip and putt. what is that? >> it's a new initiative created by a few of the governing bodies of golf and what it is, is it allows, really any kid from seven to, i think, 15 to have a chance to go to one of hundreds of qualifying sites and eventually if you keep on qualifying through just driving the ball, chipping and putting-- three different sections, you can eventually make it to the finals, and the finals take place this sunday and kick off masters week. the sunday prior--
12:34 am
>> stephen: at augusta national? >> at augusta national. >> stephen: kids can play there? >> and there's 80 participants for this year. 40 boys, and 40 girls. and you hit a drive, on the driving range there, you go to the chipping ring, and then you go to the 18th green on the sunday pin location and these kids get to hit a putt with the greens playing at the same speed as the tournament. i mean, it's just really cool. i was at the inaugural event two years ago and the passion they're showing inspires you. >> stephen: so this is for seven to 15-year-olds? you're only 22. you're not exactly a senior, playing with these kids. >> i wish they had established it just a few years earlier. it's really cool. >> stephen: yeah, you would be doing much better now. ( laughter ) >> it's completely free. yeah. >> stephen: i tell you what, i play a little bit of golf. i'm very bad at golf, but i do enjoy it, and the masters, of course, is one of the best weekends of the year because i love the signal that spring is coming and might be able to get out there and play this summer. but i have a terrible swing. would you give me help with my swing? >> i can certainly try. >> stephen: come on over.
12:35 am
all right. ( applause ) who's up first? >> stephen: i don't know. what do you think? there you go. >> all right. >> stephen: shall i show you? >> yes, you shall show me. >> stephen: okay. why don't i try to hit one and you show me how it's done. how about that? >> that's perfect. >> stephen: great. >> this is the exact driver that i use. >> stephen: okay, here we go. >> oh, boy, where should i stand? >> stephen: i take so long-- ( laughter ) i take so long to set up my shots my friends back home call me coma-colbert. >> that's fantastic. >> stephen: all right. here we go. ( breathing... ) >> oh! ( cheers and applause ) but you had your jacket on. >> stephen: true. >> actually, i should take mine off, too. here, would you hold this for
12:36 am
me? >> stephen: sure! ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: holy ( bleep )! jordan spieth, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) tired of working for peanuts? well what if i told you that peanuts can work for you? that's right. i'm talking full time delivery of 7 grams of protein and 6 essential nutrients. ever see a peanut take a day off? i don't think so. harness the hardworking power of the peanut.
12:37 am
if you have allergy congestion muddling through your morning is nothing new. introducing rhinocort® allergy spray from the makers of zyrtec®. powerful relief from nasal allergy symptoms, all day and all night. try new rhinocort® allergy spray. all day and all night. i think the first step in being able to create a helpful solution is just to be able to recognize problems in the world around you. don't you dare change the rules. don't you dare play with your food. don't you dare get any big ideas. ignore what people say you can't do. don't you dare take that apart. don't you dare stay up all night on the computer. don't you dare raise your voice. ♪ ♪ you've got a 1 in 4 chance ofame winningnald's, from over 100 million food and cash prizes. it's hard to find better odds. the odds of winning from items like this big mac?
12:38 am
sfx: ding! the odds of scoring a hole-in-one? sfx: clank! the odds of winning from items like these chicken mcnuggets? sfx: ding! the odds of your taxes being audited? sfx: clank! the odds of your auditor winning from delicious items like these. sfx: ding! there's a 1 in 4 chance of winning with all these items. so hurry in to mcdonald's and play today! ♪
12:39 am
( band playing )
12:40 am
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. you know, folks, i like to be a full service host. i don't do just a great show for you-- i also want to be the one to tell you to watch that great show. which is why we made the following ad just for ourselves. watch me, won't you? >> you've reached the age where you know what you want... to watch on tv. but sometimes you can't stay up that long. why let a problem like premature bedtime get in the way of your late night satisfaction? ( engine revving ) when 11:35 rolls around, will you be ready? millions are switching to the "late show" with stephen colbert and finding they stay up longer, laugh harder and go to sleep satisfied-er. "the late show" is proven to increase entertainment flow when you need it most.
12:41 am
ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for television. side effects of the "late show" include agitation, bleeding gums, diarrhea, body spasms, cataracts, nausea, rash, upper respiratory failure, lower respiratory failure, respiratory failure, clogged bowels, confusion, delirium, flank pain, fungal infections, hair loss, hostility, lack of heart beat, muscle pain, weakness, faulty ejaculation, ringing in the ears, rolling of the eyeballs, weight gain, white spots in the mouth and arm, cholera, typhus, the king's evil, yellow fever, distemper, bloody flux, st. anthony's fire, scribner's palsy, cooper's droop, biliousness, grocer's itch, bladder in the throat, canine madness, lumbago, impetigo and scurvy. dustbowl, hogwarts, varicose brains, charlie rosacea, eyebrawls, whooping couch, bonus spleen, pander mouth, jazz shins, purple burps, brain tube and explosive ennui. if your "late show" lasts more than one hour, you're watching james corden.
12:42 am
the "late show" with stephen colbert-- stay up longer than nature intended. an oven-baked d? or waiting for delivery? did you have that beard when we ordered? a hot, fresh-baked crust? or? did we order extra soggy? don't settle for delivery. rise to the occasion. it's not delivery. it's digiorno. not yet, i'm... folding the laundry! can you? no... cleaning the windows! well, the living room's a disaster! you should see the bathroom! (vo) most insurance companies give you every reason to avoid them. i'm looking for my keys! plants need planting! well the leaves aren't going to rake themselves! (vo) nationwide is different. hon, did you call nationwide to check on our claim? (vo) we put members first. actually, they called me. ♪ nationwide is on your side t-mobile does data differently. while the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use..., t-mobile lets you stream all the video and music
12:43 am
that you want from your favorite services... free! without using one bit of your lte data. plus, you can roll your unused data forward. nobody does data like t-mobile. get four lines... ...with ten gigs of 4g lte data each ..for just thirty-five bucks per line... ...from t-mobile. the bud light party believes in change. that's why bud light has a new look... and we want to share it with everyone... from our national parks... to our furthest shores... jackpot! to your living room. look under your seats! [squeals of delight] still the same refreshing bud light. with a new look. ♪ mmm. baclet's instabrag.d. honey, jalapeño boom boom, h-how is there no bacon emoji?
12:44 am
denny's new honey jalapeño bacon, part of the red white and bacon menu. denny's. welcome to america's diner.
12:45 am
>> stephen: my next guests are here to perform "singularity" from their first new album in over 10 years. please welcome new order! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ winter came so soon, like summer never happened ♪ we're players on a stage,
12:46 am
with roles already scripted ♪ we're working for a wage, we're living for today ♪ on a giant piece of dirt, spinning in the universe ♪ but i can't hear your cry out there ♪ and i can't feel you close to me ♪ one day at a time, inch by inch ♪ for every kiss, on lover's lips ♪ four lost souls, drink and come home ♪ friend's not here, we shed our tears
12:47 am
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ all i want to do, is make the right impression ♪ instrument of truth, soldier with no weapons ♪ i care so much for you, i'd crawl a thousand miles ♪ through deserts full of sand, my love in every land ♪ i can't hear your cry out there, ♪ and i can't feel you everywhere ♪ one day at a time, inch by inch
12:48 am
♪ for every kiss, on lover's lips ♪ four lost souls, who can't come home ♪ my friend's not here, we shed our tears ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ one day at a time, inch by inch ♪ for every kiss, on lover's lips
12:49 am
♪ four lost souls, who can't come home ♪ their friend's not here, we shed our tears ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: new order's album, "music complete" is available now! we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause )
12:50 am
12:51 am
12:52 am
>> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be steve martin and edie brickell, shirley maclaine and conducting the l.a. philharmonic, gustavo dudamel. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> reggie: ♪ are you ready all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight many things about to occur ♪ just keep it tight ♪ it's "the late, late show!" ladies and gentlemen, all the way from athens, georgia, give it up for your host, the one,


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on